Ever since I become friend with The Black Widow, I enjoy late night chats and lepaks. Although I normally reserve my lepak time with just close friends, I have to admit that this time I quite like it even though we didn't know each other prior to this.
In my opinion, we are quite similar in some ways yet very different in many other ways. That's what make it all the more interesting. Being amicable, friendly and full of good-natured traits, we found ourselves fast becoming close friends.
For the second time since I come to the UK, I feel that there is someone genuine who share similarities and that there is someone who would listen to my rants and nonsense, other than the people who read my blog. This is a real person whom I can talk to without reservation, and someone who won't hesitate in telling me what is on her mind.
She let me be me, and doesn't judge what I did in my past life. I dunno, as a rule, I just don't like talking about me or my problems or my shortfalls or my worry. With our chatting sessions, I gradually open up more than I realised. She listened and commented here and there, but one thing she never did was criticising my behaviours. I never felt that she looks down at me or at what I do for a living or at my lack of agama or wealth. Amazing enough, she told me what she did is praying for me to change to become a better person than I am now.
I choked when I hear that. Here is a person who knows little about me and that I am not a good Muslim. The daily praying ritual is not the top priority in my to do lists. I drink when I feel like it. I'm ashamed to say I pretty much did everything that is forbidden that I might be the first to go to hell. I admit all that.
Yet, she makes me feel that there's still something out there for me to reach out. There's still God watching over me. Tonight, without shame, I asked about the qiblat. And I am grateful that she didn't point her finger at me or give that disapproving look. To learn that she has that much faith makes me dizzy in a good way.
Simultaneously, I enjoy listening to her tales of her children and I try to be someone she can confide in when she's in dilemma over the many issues she encounters. She, in her own way, is coping with her loss and heartache of being away from loved ones. I noticed that we both need this emotional bonding due to the fact that our best friends are so far away. We have no one else to turn to who could understand our sensitivity and emotional disability.
It's quite rare to find a person who share the same principles and understand the need to be one own self. We refuse to meddle into other people's businesses and in return all we ask is for the others not to pry into our precious lives.
I won't hesitate to give my heart if she asked for it because I think she feels the same. She needs someone to be there, yet leaves her be when she feels suffocated. Tonight, I listened to her ranting about the harrasment she gets from the men who lust after her and expect her to give back something in return for their attention or so called kindness that they bestowed upon her. I pity her when I hear about the emotional blackmail people used on her to get what they want.
On most days I look forward to having our late night session. I was used to being so independent and rely on myself that when I first met her I feel a little awkward letting her take charge, and vice versa. Little by little, we have established an understanding that one of us would be the stronger one and keep the other one in line whenever needed. She made an effort to learn about the things I like and dislike and that warms my heart. I never knew what it feels like to manja, but she let me manja with her whenever I feel like it and when she wants to manja with me, I let her. It's funny though, cause both of us are not the giggly, girly girl kinda person.
On the other hand, I think that this bond between us has make others slightly uneasy. I know sometimes this relationship, if I may call it a relationship, is viewed with suspicion or even envy. I know it's still at an early stage but I hope it is strong enough to withstand all obstacles. I am beginning to love this woman just like I love my best friends.
Tuesday, 5 September 2006
Monday, 4 September 2006
Sunday, 3 September 2006
Ah, bosan aku dengan penat
Dalam masa kita melepasi hari-hari yang tidak pernah berhenti walau sesaat, aku seperti terpegun melihat kebanyakan anak-anak muda zaman sekarang yang tidak pandai membawa diri.
Masing-masing mengaku bahawa mereka adalah dari generasi moden dan semua adat sopan dan tatasusila adalah kolot dan ketinggalan zaman. Mereka lebih cepat melatah, tidak berfikiran panjang dan lebih kebaratan daripada orang barat sendiri.
Pada aku mereka semua tidak tahu menilai erti kebudayaan timur. Aku tahu walaupun aku ni tidak arif dan tidak mempraktikkan sangat nilai-nilai ketimuran, tapi aku masih sedar dari mana datangnya akar umbiku. Walaupun aku tinggal di negara yang kurang mengambil berat tentang adat, aku tidak mudah lupa sama sekali.
Aku masih lagi cuba menjaga hati dan menghormati orang. Takkan sekalipun aku kasari dengan bahasa kasar atau tindak tanduk yang boleh mengguris perasaan seseorang. Aku bukanlah seorang manusia yang sempurna tetapi aku tetap mahu mencuba.
Pada aku, sekiranya seseorang itu telah cuba memberitahu yang dia tidak mahu and tidak rela meminjamkan sesuatu kepada seseorang yang lain, maka orang itu tidak berhak mempertikaikan keputusan dia. Jangan pula di belakang nanti, diheboh-hebohkan cerita yang kurang enak didengar. It yang aku betul-betul tidak gemar tetapi itulah yang selalu terjadi.
Kita sebagai manusia, mesti juga harus cepat berfikir dan jangan mengharap bulan itu akan jatuh ke riba. Kalau boleh taik bintang pun jangan diharapkan sangat. Dalam hidup ini kita mesti berani. Kerana jika kita takut, bermakna kita tidak akan dapat meneruskan perjalanan kita dan kita akan terus hidup dalam keadaan yang sentiasa gusar. Apakah itu yang kita mahu?
Aku perhatikan dari sini seorang anak gadis yang dihantar mamanya untuk mendalami ilmu dunia, namun dia resah dan enggan membaiki hidupnya sendiri sebaliknya dia lebih suka berseronokan. Bila ditanya kenapa ilmu pengetahuan ditolak ke tepi katanya dia rindu mama dan kawan-kawan di sana. Dia telah gagal sebelum dia bermula. Sayang sekali, mama itu turuti sahaja kehendak dia. Mahu wang, nah sudah kumasukkan ke dalam akaunmu! Mahu kereta, nah sudah kubelikan Honda City yang baru lagi berkilat. Di mana salah mereka? Salahkah cara mereka menunjukkan kasih sayang?
Ah, bosan aku mendengar cerita yang sama. Anak itu salahkan ibunya. Aku pasti si ibu itu ada perasaan marah pada anaknya. Aku terasa semacam mahu ku pecahkan kepala anak gadis itu. Bangun dari tidurmu! Kau bukan lagi anak kecil. Sudah 24 tahun! Sudah bisa punya wang sendiri. Setidak-tidaknya kau sudah selesai dengan ilmu dunia yang pertama.
Anak yang manis, hidup ini masih panjang. Jangan terlalu mengharapkan pada orang tuanya. Mereka juga perlukan masa untuk kehidupan mereka sendiri setelah penat mereka besarkan kamu. Biarlah mereka merasa nikmat hidup and berbakti dengan cara yang lain pula sebelum mereka pergi. Di kala itu, di bahu siapa kamu mahu menangis?
Mungkin kamu semua merasakan bahawa aku tidak adil dalam membicarakan isu ini kerana aku sudah tidak punya orang tua. Mungkin benar juga fikiran kamu itu. Tetapi aku mahu kamu semua melihat isu ini dari pandangan aku pula. Dengan tiadanya bimbingan dari orang tuaku, aku seharusnya lebih hanyut dari jalan-jalan yang benar. Aku sepatutnya lebih rosak dan tidak menghiraukan adab dan budayaku. Siapa yang ada untuk menegurku ketika aku melalui saat kegelapan? Siapa yang peduli?
Tiada siapa yang menarik ku ke atas semula. Aku bangkit sendiri. Walaupun aku tidak dicurahkan dengan kekayaan harta benda tetapi aku masih terasa kasih yang ibu taburi. Aku masih teringat-ingat pesanan ibu supaya sentiasa berbudi. Sesungguhnya aku bersyukur walaupun aku tidak sebaik yang disangka, tetapi aku masih ingat bahawa aku ini anak ibuku yang sedang menanti ku di pintu syurga.
ps: Telah terlalu lama saya mengabaikan bahasa ibunda saya, jadi hari ini saya ingin mencuba. Kekok rasanya dan mungkin tidak sedap dibaca tetapi ini sahaja yang saya mampu ikhtiarkan.
Masing-masing mengaku bahawa mereka adalah dari generasi moden dan semua adat sopan dan tatasusila adalah kolot dan ketinggalan zaman. Mereka lebih cepat melatah, tidak berfikiran panjang dan lebih kebaratan daripada orang barat sendiri.
Pada aku mereka semua tidak tahu menilai erti kebudayaan timur. Aku tahu walaupun aku ni tidak arif dan tidak mempraktikkan sangat nilai-nilai ketimuran, tapi aku masih sedar dari mana datangnya akar umbiku. Walaupun aku tinggal di negara yang kurang mengambil berat tentang adat, aku tidak mudah lupa sama sekali.
Aku masih lagi cuba menjaga hati dan menghormati orang. Takkan sekalipun aku kasari dengan bahasa kasar atau tindak tanduk yang boleh mengguris perasaan seseorang. Aku bukanlah seorang manusia yang sempurna tetapi aku tetap mahu mencuba.
Pada aku, sekiranya seseorang itu telah cuba memberitahu yang dia tidak mahu and tidak rela meminjamkan sesuatu kepada seseorang yang lain, maka orang itu tidak berhak mempertikaikan keputusan dia. Jangan pula di belakang nanti, diheboh-hebohkan cerita yang kurang enak didengar. It yang aku betul-betul tidak gemar tetapi itulah yang selalu terjadi.
Kita sebagai manusia, mesti juga harus cepat berfikir dan jangan mengharap bulan itu akan jatuh ke riba. Kalau boleh taik bintang pun jangan diharapkan sangat. Dalam hidup ini kita mesti berani. Kerana jika kita takut, bermakna kita tidak akan dapat meneruskan perjalanan kita dan kita akan terus hidup dalam keadaan yang sentiasa gusar. Apakah itu yang kita mahu?
Aku perhatikan dari sini seorang anak gadis yang dihantar mamanya untuk mendalami ilmu dunia, namun dia resah dan enggan membaiki hidupnya sendiri sebaliknya dia lebih suka berseronokan. Bila ditanya kenapa ilmu pengetahuan ditolak ke tepi katanya dia rindu mama dan kawan-kawan di sana. Dia telah gagal sebelum dia bermula. Sayang sekali, mama itu turuti sahaja kehendak dia. Mahu wang, nah sudah kumasukkan ke dalam akaunmu! Mahu kereta, nah sudah kubelikan Honda City yang baru lagi berkilat. Di mana salah mereka? Salahkah cara mereka menunjukkan kasih sayang?
Ah, bosan aku mendengar cerita yang sama. Anak itu salahkan ibunya. Aku pasti si ibu itu ada perasaan marah pada anaknya. Aku terasa semacam mahu ku pecahkan kepala anak gadis itu. Bangun dari tidurmu! Kau bukan lagi anak kecil. Sudah 24 tahun! Sudah bisa punya wang sendiri. Setidak-tidaknya kau sudah selesai dengan ilmu dunia yang pertama.
Anak yang manis, hidup ini masih panjang. Jangan terlalu mengharapkan pada orang tuanya. Mereka juga perlukan masa untuk kehidupan mereka sendiri setelah penat mereka besarkan kamu. Biarlah mereka merasa nikmat hidup and berbakti dengan cara yang lain pula sebelum mereka pergi. Di kala itu, di bahu siapa kamu mahu menangis?
Mungkin kamu semua merasakan bahawa aku tidak adil dalam membicarakan isu ini kerana aku sudah tidak punya orang tua. Mungkin benar juga fikiran kamu itu. Tetapi aku mahu kamu semua melihat isu ini dari pandangan aku pula. Dengan tiadanya bimbingan dari orang tuaku, aku seharusnya lebih hanyut dari jalan-jalan yang benar. Aku sepatutnya lebih rosak dan tidak menghiraukan adab dan budayaku. Siapa yang ada untuk menegurku ketika aku melalui saat kegelapan? Siapa yang peduli?
Tiada siapa yang menarik ku ke atas semula. Aku bangkit sendiri. Walaupun aku tidak dicurahkan dengan kekayaan harta benda tetapi aku masih terasa kasih yang ibu taburi. Aku masih teringat-ingat pesanan ibu supaya sentiasa berbudi. Sesungguhnya aku bersyukur walaupun aku tidak sebaik yang disangka, tetapi aku masih ingat bahawa aku ini anak ibuku yang sedang menanti ku di pintu syurga.
ps: Telah terlalu lama saya mengabaikan bahasa ibunda saya, jadi hari ini saya ingin mencuba. Kekok rasanya dan mungkin tidak sedap dibaca tetapi ini sahaja yang saya mampu ikhtiarkan.
Friday, 1 September 2006
of lust and kawin
It is quite funny to see an old man merajuk. It's even worse when he think that it's cute to merajuk with the woman he is wooing.
Wait a minute, wooing is not the correct word here. He doesn't know how to court a woman, nor does he know how to be smooth and subtle with his moves. He hasn't got a clue how to tambat hati the woman he lust after. It is indeed more about lust than love.
He is just one of the many Malay men who don't give enough attention and thoughts to the little things that matter to women.
Does he expect The Black Widow to fall for him by saying that he will buy her a house? There are some women out there who would jump at the offer, no doubt about it. But there are still women with enough dignity, yet men like The Pervert wouldn't care for it. Dignity? What dignity? Kawin dengan saya cukuplah. Habis cerita.
Dia ingat kawin ni cerita senang ke? Geli betul when I hear him likening the hair on her arms to her pubic hair. Is that what he calls wooing? Eeee... geli geli.
Marriage is not all about sex. It's about companionship, friendship, understanding and tolerance. Maybe that's why I haven't met my match who would be my companion, my friend, understands my needs and tolerate my nonsense.
Kalau nak kawin setakat nak halalkan sex but abaikan the other needs, I'd say forget about it. I'm sure the poor Black Widow can see beyond that, and I don't think that is all she wants in a marriage.
Is it any wonder why many of us lose faith in our own men and love to bash them?
Wait a minute, wooing is not the correct word here. He doesn't know how to court a woman, nor does he know how to be smooth and subtle with his moves. He hasn't got a clue how to tambat hati the woman he lust after. It is indeed more about lust than love.
He is just one of the many Malay men who don't give enough attention and thoughts to the little things that matter to women.
Does he expect The Black Widow to fall for him by saying that he will buy her a house? There are some women out there who would jump at the offer, no doubt about it. But there are still women with enough dignity, yet men like The Pervert wouldn't care for it. Dignity? What dignity? Kawin dengan saya cukuplah. Habis cerita.
Dia ingat kawin ni cerita senang ke? Geli betul when I hear him likening the hair on her arms to her pubic hair. Is that what he calls wooing? Eeee... geli geli.
Marriage is not all about sex. It's about companionship, friendship, understanding and tolerance. Maybe that's why I haven't met my match who would be my companion, my friend, understands my needs and tolerate my nonsense.
Kalau nak kawin setakat nak halalkan sex but abaikan the other needs, I'd say forget about it. I'm sure the poor Black Widow can see beyond that, and I don't think that is all she wants in a marriage.
Is it any wonder why many of us lose faith in our own men and love to bash them?
Wednesday, 30 August 2006
growing pains
Once there's a story of men and women, of life and love and of happiness and sorrow.
Sometimes when we are too happy, we forget that one day we might be at the bottom of the wheel. We may think that tragedy would never strike us, but how so wrong we can be. Many things can happen in the blink of an eye. One day we are laughing, the next day we are crying.
When we are vulnerable many people will try to take advantage. Old friends we never met for ten years, or long lost realtives suddenly resurfaced. They become ruthless in their pursue, offering help and advices, pretending to be the ones that care when in fact they have their own agendas.
We probably didn't share similar stories or tragedies. Nor do we have the same approach to cope with our losses. Yet, we have the same destination. We left to find happiness on this isle we now call home.
I heard it so many times now that I am where I am today. The people here, I pity them because they have nothing better to do than talk nonsense.
Sometimes I wonder about people. I know that they may be worried or care about us, the gullible young women, but honest to God, I believe we are able to fend for ourselves. Personally, I think that it is good that they genuinely care but there will be times when we want to be by ourselves. Except that the less genuine ones won't leave us alone.
It doesn't matter what we do with our time. If I want to drown in my sorrow, or sleep the whole day or if I want to reflect on my life, they don't need to know unless I want them to know. It is in fact my private moments.
What I do in my own time is my business. If I want to be friend with one person but not the other, it's my business. The thing about being at this place is that whatever comments being made by someone will spread around so fast like an epidemic.
"Pegi Tinseltown tak ajak I pun", "eh sekarang sultanlingga rapat dengan ewok yea?", "mana menghilang diri tak nampak for a few days?"
I don't want to risk sounding like an arrogant bitch but I can't understand why.
Why do you care that I went out for dinner with someone and not invited you? Have you invited me to any of your outings? Do you need to keep tab on everybody's movement? Where does it hurt, your ego?
Maybe it's time we all grow up even if some of them are old enough to be gramps.
Sometimes when we are too happy, we forget that one day we might be at the bottom of the wheel. We may think that tragedy would never strike us, but how so wrong we can be. Many things can happen in the blink of an eye. One day we are laughing, the next day we are crying.
When we are vulnerable many people will try to take advantage. Old friends we never met for ten years, or long lost realtives suddenly resurfaced. They become ruthless in their pursue, offering help and advices, pretending to be the ones that care when in fact they have their own agendas.
We probably didn't share similar stories or tragedies. Nor do we have the same approach to cope with our losses. Yet, we have the same destination. We left to find happiness on this isle we now call home.
I heard it so many times now that I am where I am today. The people here, I pity them because they have nothing better to do than talk nonsense.
Sometimes I wonder about people. I know that they may be worried or care about us, the gullible young women, but honest to God, I believe we are able to fend for ourselves. Personally, I think that it is good that they genuinely care but there will be times when we want to be by ourselves. Except that the less genuine ones won't leave us alone.
It doesn't matter what we do with our time. If I want to drown in my sorrow, or sleep the whole day or if I want to reflect on my life, they don't need to know unless I want them to know. It is in fact my private moments.
What I do in my own time is my business. If I want to be friend with one person but not the other, it's my business. The thing about being at this place is that whatever comments being made by someone will spread around so fast like an epidemic.
"Pegi Tinseltown tak ajak I pun", "eh sekarang sultanlingga rapat dengan ewok yea?", "mana menghilang diri tak nampak for a few days?"
I don't want to risk sounding like an arrogant bitch but I can't understand why.
Why do you care that I went out for dinner with someone and not invited you? Have you invited me to any of your outings? Do you need to keep tab on everybody's movement? Where does it hurt, your ego?
Maybe it's time we all grow up even if some of them are old enough to be gramps.
m3m3
I can't remember when was the last I did a meme. It has been a while and to be honest, I'm not a meme kinda girl. Yet, when I saw this at one blog, I just can't help myself.
1. Three things that scare me:
1. Three things that scare me:
- Being pregnant and giving birth
- Thrown in jail
- My life is short lived
2. Three people that make me laugh:
- JackJack
- Faith and Hope (the sitcom)
- I can't think as I hardly laugh these days
3. Three things I hate the most:
- Racism, classicism, cronyism, ah hell, any kind of discrimination
- Liars and people who likes to take advantage
- Spoilt rich kids
4. Three things I don’t understand:
- Why people like to mind other people business
- Why can't Muslims be united
- Chemistry, Physics, all sort of sciences
5. Three things I’m doing right now:
- Listening to The HITS
- Thinking about dinner
- Yawning
6. Three things I want to do before I die:
- Travel a lot more…for example, see the Mayan ruins, the Incan ruins, take TranSiberia Train Journey and go to beautiful islands ie Bora Bora...
- Work on a cruise ship
- Fly a plane
7. Three things I can do:
- Cook
- DIY at home
- Read maps and navigate a foreign city
8. Three ways to describe my personality:
- Very caring (once you get to know me)
- Highly sensitive and emotional
- Fiercely loyal
9. Three things I can’t do:
- Be bitchy
- Curl my tongue
- Pretend that I like someone when I can't stand him or her
10. Three things I think you should listen to:
- Srikandi Cintaku
- Your intuition
- Your heart (if different from your intuition)
11. Three things you should never listen to:
- Emotional blackmail
- Unfounded rumors
- George Bush
12. Three things I’d like to learn:
- How to shake my hips and dance like Shakira
- How not to cry at the drop of a hat
- How be a good talker and listener
13. Three favourite foods:
- Mee Rebus/Kari
- Nasi Goreng with ayam goreng
- Chocolate ice cream
14. Three beverages I drink regularly:
- Water
- Teh ais
- Iced tea (Hehehe)
15. Three shows I watched as a kid:
- Land of the Giants
- 3-2-1 Contact
- McGruder and Loud
Tuesday, 29 August 2006
It's the end of August but not the end of me
It feels so good after a long break from blogging. Of course I miss my friends and their stories, but I am glad that I had taken some times to be alone and be completely free of writing or reading blogs.
I hope that that break actually rejuvenates me.
As I wrote before, I had to move and now I am closer to the centre. Right smack in the middle of Malaysian community. Dulu I tak suka bercampur gaul dengan Malaysians disebabkan beberapa incidents that happened to me. Sorry lah beb! I don't like their attitudes so I kept well away from them. I'm not saying that all of them are similar and have bad attitude, but I wasn't interested anymore. I was happy to be on my own.
Now, padan muka saya! After I moved, I met a few Malaysians and I started hearing many stories about some people I don't even know. The politics, MasyaAllah! The mulut, MasyaAllah!
Pening dah saya ni. I go down to the cafe, tengah makan kalu, ada saja yang datang melepak kat meja I nak bercerita about this and that. Eh.. tolonglah! I may know your name ok but I dunno you well enough for you to start your gossips.
I just moved here and I'm not interested and I don't really give a shit, so give me some space. Sometimes when I was reading newspaper I had to block my mind just because I didn't want to listen.
Funny enough this place also gives me some new insight and taught me about the various characters in people. I learn about the value of making new friends, the art of manipulating people (I'm rubbish at it!), the danger of gatal-ed men and the anguish and obstacles one had to face to be where one is today.
If you stay long enough at this place, you will make make friends and foes. You will hear rumours and unfounded accusations. Mulut orang, betul atau tidak, kita tak boleh nak tutup.
Soon there will be a drama swasta.
Like it or not, I'm here but I wish I was somewhere else.
I hope that that break actually rejuvenates me.
As I wrote before, I had to move and now I am closer to the centre. Right smack in the middle of Malaysian community. Dulu I tak suka bercampur gaul dengan Malaysians disebabkan beberapa incidents that happened to me. Sorry lah beb! I don't like their attitudes so I kept well away from them. I'm not saying that all of them are similar and have bad attitude, but I wasn't interested anymore. I was happy to be on my own.
Now, padan muka saya! After I moved, I met a few Malaysians and I started hearing many stories about some people I don't even know. The politics, MasyaAllah! The mulut, MasyaAllah!
Pening dah saya ni. I go down to the cafe, tengah makan kalu, ada saja yang datang melepak kat meja I nak bercerita about this and that. Eh.. tolonglah! I may know your name ok but I dunno you well enough for you to start your gossips.
I just moved here and I'm not interested and I don't really give a shit, so give me some space. Sometimes when I was reading newspaper I had to block my mind just because I didn't want to listen.
Funny enough this place also gives me some new insight and taught me about the various characters in people. I learn about the value of making new friends, the art of manipulating people (I'm rubbish at it!), the danger of gatal-ed men and the anguish and obstacles one had to face to be where one is today.
If you stay long enough at this place, you will make make friends and foes. You will hear rumours and unfounded accusations. Mulut orang, betul atau tidak, kita tak boleh nak tutup.
Soon there will be a drama swasta.
Like it or not, I'm here but I wish I was somewhere else.
Saturday, 29 July 2006
Sunday, 16 July 2006
of swoon and scar
After 4 seasons with them, I think I had it up till here (see me choking my throat!?) I used to be enthusiastic about the shows plus etc etc. It has been great but that's it, no more.
There's no motivation and top it up with bad management, I'll blow them a kiss at the end of the year. I'm giving myself till at least February and not a day longer.
The only thing that may make me sad to leave is a very nice bloke who behave like a perfect gentleman and could still make me blush. He made me swoon just by doing little things for me i.e opening the door, carrying a box etc etc. Silly girl! The bad thing is that I had the security and warehouse people asking me about the gossip that has been spreading around. Come on guys, leave us alone. We have yet to go for our first date. Hmmmm...
The Mentor has also decided to leave and will give her notice in Aug, but since her contract says she had to give 6 months notice she will still be around until early next year. She had a fit last Tuesday and screamed at the MD for all the problems that the office and production managers have been ignoring.
My analysis is that the new directors (except for The Mentor) are ruining the hard work of their predecessors. They had created an awareness to our brand name and we are known as the premium (aka posh) ice cream, but these ignorant Americans think that they know everything. It is true what people say about Americans, they are just ... damned ignorant and selfish.
Anyway, I'm excited about my future. Weird isn't it? I don't even know what I'd be doing or whether I'm gonna have a job or not come next year. It scares the hell out of me but I'm still excited! Cuckoo me :)
As I was driving at Bayswater, I imagine myself having less pressured weeks ahead. Just relax if you know what I mean. I fancy going to a hairdresser and trim my hair. It's gone from bad to worse.
This heat is getting to me. I am darker and burned, and now I wish for a cooler normal British weather. Please God help me! Rain pun rain lah, I don't mind.
And being the klutz that I am, I hit my face with the car door when I was trying to load my boxes this morning. It hurts like hell. If people saw me they might think that I was abused, and honestly, I felt like lepas kena tempeleng ngan laki je, not that I know what it's like though. I'm scarred for life!
There's no motivation and top it up with bad management, I'll blow them a kiss at the end of the year. I'm giving myself till at least February and not a day longer.
The only thing that may make me sad to leave is a very nice bloke who behave like a perfect gentleman and could still make me blush. He made me swoon just by doing little things for me i.e opening the door, carrying a box etc etc. Silly girl! The bad thing is that I had the security and warehouse people asking me about the gossip that has been spreading around. Come on guys, leave us alone. We have yet to go for our first date. Hmmmm...
The Mentor has also decided to leave and will give her notice in Aug, but since her contract says she had to give 6 months notice she will still be around until early next year. She had a fit last Tuesday and screamed at the MD for all the problems that the office and production managers have been ignoring.
My analysis is that the new directors (except for The Mentor) are ruining the hard work of their predecessors. They had created an awareness to our brand name and we are known as the premium (aka posh) ice cream, but these ignorant Americans think that they know everything. It is true what people say about Americans, they are just ... damned ignorant and selfish.
Anyway, I'm excited about my future. Weird isn't it? I don't even know what I'd be doing or whether I'm gonna have a job or not come next year. It scares the hell out of me but I'm still excited! Cuckoo me :)
As I was driving at Bayswater, I imagine myself having less pressured weeks ahead. Just relax if you know what I mean. I fancy going to a hairdresser and trim my hair. It's gone from bad to worse.
This heat is getting to me. I am darker and burned, and now I wish for a cooler normal British weather. Please God help me! Rain pun rain lah, I don't mind.
And being the klutz that I am, I hit my face with the car door when I was trying to load my boxes this morning. It hurts like hell. If people saw me they might think that I was abused, and honestly, I felt like lepas kena tempeleng ngan laki je, not that I know what it's like though. I'm scarred for life!
Thursday, 13 July 2006
updates
Raihan will be performing at Holiday Villa on the 18th of this month. Please come and enjoy the best nasyid band ever. Honestly.
I never really paid attention to their music before but I saw them for the first time at Islam Expo last week. I had tears in my eyes just listening to their words. Made me feel humble and brought me back down to earth.
-----
I'd be moving this Saturday. Closer to central London where Oxford Street is just 10 minutes away and Hyde Park is near my doorstep. I'm sorta excited and scared too.
A few things happened on the 15th of July. It's CJ and Irfan's birthday. Then it's my father's 7th Death Anniversary. It seems hard when you see the word death, but how else would I say it, right?
-----
PS, here's another song for you.
Takkan Melupakanmu - Radja
I never really paid attention to their music before but I saw them for the first time at Islam Expo last week. I had tears in my eyes just listening to their words. Made me feel humble and brought me back down to earth.
-----
I'd be moving this Saturday. Closer to central London where Oxford Street is just 10 minutes away and Hyde Park is near my doorstep. I'm sorta excited and scared too.
A few things happened on the 15th of July. It's CJ and Irfan's birthday. Then it's my father's 7th Death Anniversary. It seems hard when you see the word death, but how else would I say it, right?
-----
PS, here's another song for you.
Takkan Melupakanmu - Radja
Friday, 7 July 2006
song for the lovebirds
Dear my darling PS,
here's the first song for err... ahemm. Sorry it took me awhile to get started. You know lah kan. To others who listen, tell PS if you like what you hear. You can rate it too if you want (1-5 star).
Buat Aku Tersenyum - Sheila on 7
here's the first song for err... ahemm. Sorry it took me awhile to get started. You know lah kan. To others who listen, tell PS if you like what you hear. You can rate it too if you want (1-5 star).
Buat Aku Tersenyum - Sheila on 7
Monday, 26 June 2006
A few firsts
Thank you for all of you who wished me well on my birthday. Today really mean something for me because this is the first time in 4 years I didn't have to work on my birthday.
It has been a really good weekend I have to say.
It started on Friday evening when The Mentor and I were chatting and she asked what I wanted for my birthday. I jokingly said a ride on a hot air balloon, and without hesitating, she asked me to book it. That made me a little emotional because I could not believe what I heard and it shows that she does really care and though I work for her, she always treats me like family. I couldn't ask for a better boss.
The balloon ride, if I ever went on it, would probably be one of the best gifts I ever received and it could be my first and only experience.
Plus I got to enter the Buckingham Palace Garden. Even though it was for work, but hey, how many of us get that kind of chance?
Then it was the lunch organised by Kakteh, Jane & co. The tomyam steamboat was out of this world. This was the first time in my life having a steamboat and I like it a lot. It was a feast fit for a princess! Hehehe.
And later a surprised cake, obviously the boy on the cake is Becks scoring for England, which he did today!
This morning I didn't have any breakfast simply because nak simpan perut for Kakteh's special mee bandung. At least I managed to jaga my manner and not slurp the gravy like one really hungry woman. Kalau boleh tu sampai nak hirup kuah lah! :)
Later, I went out to Leicester Square to meet up Kfiatek and Agata, and was greeted with a celebration by the England fans as we win against Ecuador. Those who said to leave the skipper out, you must be joking me!
K & A said they had a surprise for me. Apparently, there was another first for me, again, as we went up the London Eye a while later and had nice views of all of London.
To top it all, we had a nice dinner at a Mexican restaurant with fantastic food, good music and great company. Ahhhh...
Thank you everyone but you have to excuse me now, as I have to take a break and give my stomach a little rest. Thank God birthday only comes once a year!
It has been a really good weekend I have to say.
It started on Friday evening when The Mentor and I were chatting and she asked what I wanted for my birthday. I jokingly said a ride on a hot air balloon, and without hesitating, she asked me to book it. That made me a little emotional because I could not believe what I heard and it shows that she does really care and though I work for her, she always treats me like family. I couldn't ask for a better boss.The balloon ride, if I ever went on it, would probably be one of the best gifts I ever received and it could be my first and only experience.
Plus I got to enter the Buckingham Palace Garden. Even though it was for work, but hey, how many of us get that kind of chance?
Then it was the lunch organised by Kakteh, Jane & co. The tomyam steamboat was out of this world. This was the first time in my life having a steamboat and I like it a lot. It was a feast fit for a princess! Hehehe.
And later a surprised cake, obviously the boy on the cake is Becks scoring for England, which he did today!This morning I didn't have any breakfast simply because nak simpan perut for Kakteh's special mee bandung. At least I managed to jaga my manner and not slurp the gravy like one really hungry woman. Kalau boleh tu sampai nak hirup kuah lah! :)
Later, I went out to Leicester Square to meet up Kfiatek and Agata, and was greeted with a celebration by the England fans as we win against Ecuador. Those who said to leave the skipper out, you must be joking me!
K & A said they had a surprise for me. Apparently, there was another first for me, again, as we went up the London Eye a while later and had nice views of all of London.
To top it all, we had a nice dinner at a Mexican restaurant with fantastic food, good music and great company. Ahhhh...
Thank you everyone but you have to excuse me now, as I have to take a break and give my stomach a little rest. Thank God birthday only comes once a year!
Wednesday, 21 June 2006
unlucky star
How much more unlucky I have to be? Why does this happened to me every six months?
What sucks is that I had no control over the things that forced me to move, again. Yes, you heard me right.
Dammit.I.dowan.to.move.but.I.have.to. :( Nak marah pun tak guna
I am now a certified nomad.
What sucks is that I had no control over the things that forced me to move, again. Yes, you heard me right.
Dammit.I.dowan.to.move.but.I.have.to. :( Nak marah pun tak guna
I am now a certified nomad.
Friday, 16 June 2006
of HRC
On Wednesday, Hard Rock Cafe London celebrated their 35th anniversary, and as always, we were asked to be there to give away samples.
Every year, on June 14th, prices at HRC are reduced to when it first started in 1971. Burgers for 55p, float for 20p etc etc. Plus you get free ice cream from us! Giler kan?
But the best part is that if we were lucky, we get to meet celebrities. Muahahahaa...
Last year, W & G met and mingled with the likes of Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon. I like Sharon, she's cool.
This time, I was so busy giving away freebies to people, I didn't realise Elton John was having a treat of our ice cream. He came back for his second tub and lingered outside talking to the people in the queue.
He was very nice and hang out with us. He was trying to be funny and wore balloon glasses made by the clown. A few minutes later he came to put them on me! We talked about a couple of things and he looked at the pictures on my phone. Nyeh nyeh nyeh...
What sucks was I didn't have my camera with me, so I have to make do with my phone. Unfortunately, I don't even have a cable to upload photos from my phone to laptop so you guys can't see the photos.
I heard there were a few more celebrities but we didn't see them. Chantelle from the Big Brother was there, but I don't fancy taking her photo. She's just another Paris Hilton.
Anyway, we had quite a nice time at HRC. We finished early and were treated to some good food from the manager. I don't know who we'll meet next year. That is if I'm still around.
Every year, on June 14th, prices at HRC are reduced to when it first started in 1971. Burgers for 55p, float for 20p etc etc. Plus you get free ice cream from us! Giler kan?
But the best part is that if we were lucky, we get to meet celebrities. Muahahahaa...
Last year, W & G met and mingled with the likes of Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon. I like Sharon, she's cool.
This time, I was so busy giving away freebies to people, I didn't realise Elton John was having a treat of our ice cream. He came back for his second tub and lingered outside talking to the people in the queue.
He was very nice and hang out with us. He was trying to be funny and wore balloon glasses made by the clown. A few minutes later he came to put them on me! We talked about a couple of things and he looked at the pictures on my phone. Nyeh nyeh nyeh...
What sucks was I didn't have my camera with me, so I have to make do with my phone. Unfortunately, I don't even have a cable to upload photos from my phone to laptop so you guys can't see the photos.
I heard there were a few more celebrities but we didn't see them. Chantelle from the Big Brother was there, but I don't fancy taking her photo. She's just another Paris Hilton.
Anyway, we had quite a nice time at HRC. We finished early and were treated to some good food from the manager. I don't know who we'll meet next year. That is if I'm still around.
Tuesday, 13 June 2006
footie talk
You may not be interested but this is what I found. Do you know that:
1. there's a Malay guy from Singapore who is one of the referees in World Cup 2006. His name is Shamsul Maidin and he refereed Sweden & Trinidad&Tobago's match(T&T)?
2. T&T is the smallest country in WC with only 1.07 million and they managed to qualify? Where is Malaysia that has all the supposedly world class facilities?
3. I am rooting for Czech Rep., Japan & South Korea too, and when Japan lost, my dislike for Australia has increase by ten fold?
4. the Degen twins of the Swiss team are rather cute?
5. the Cambodian monks were ordered to remain passive and not to cheer when watching matches or else they will lose their monkhoods?
6. the celebrity referee has retired and football has lost the best referee ever? Pierluigi Collina, the baldy guy, is now the face of Opel.
1. there's a Malay guy from Singapore who is one of the referees in World Cup 2006. His name is Shamsul Maidin and he refereed Sweden & Trinidad&Tobago's match(T&T)?
2. T&T is the smallest country in WC with only 1.07 million and they managed to qualify? Where is Malaysia that has all the supposedly world class facilities?
3. I am rooting for Czech Rep., Japan & South Korea too, and when Japan lost, my dislike for Australia has increase by ten fold?
4. the Degen twins of the Swiss team are rather cute?
5. the Cambodian monks were ordered to remain passive and not to cheer when watching matches or else they will lose their monkhoods?
6. the celebrity referee has retired and football has lost the best referee ever? Pierluigi Collina, the baldy guy, is now the face of Opel.
Monday, 12 June 2006
of the man who was my father
A few days ago, a man came to the flat looking for someone who used to live here. I do not know why but things like these always happened to me. People love coming to my place trying to locate… err anything.
It spooks me up, you know.
Things like these always triggered my memory to an incident that happened some times ago. You know when a stranger came knocking at your door, it is like a phone call in the middle of the night. You’d be on guard and constantly worrying.
At that time, mobile phones were huge and ugly. Only the rich kids and well-paid working adults could afford one. With my salary, I could only dream of owning an analog Motorola. Besaq gedabak. Berat plak tu, baling anjing pun boleh mati one.
I was at a stage where I did not like family gathering and I stayed away as far as I can. They knew where I lived and Aci came to see me a few times when she came down to KL. Raya time, I spent the first day at home, and the second morning I couldn’t wait to leave to be with CJ’s family. I distanced myself and I would only call home maybe twice a year.
Yes. I was that bad. I was thinking I had nothing to worry about. No more sick mother. My father had his new wife and my siblings have their own family. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, but I just didn’t want to spend my time with them. It must be all that angst. It was my choice and I wanted to be left alone.
One night in 1999, PS, CJ and I were watching marathon of films at home. I remember feeling so bored and I think when I went to bed, I tido mati. Didn’t even stir a little. It was early morning when the knock came. Mind you, I didn’t hear any knocks, but PS came to our room and woke me up because there was two policemen outside looking for me.
Gulp! That really spooked me up. Maybe they were to arrest me since I fucked up my credit card in the States. (Everyone did it, so spare me the lecture)
I couldn’t find my voice when I faced them. I didn’t know what to say, so I nodded and hmmp-ed. My way of telling them I’m the one they were looking for. It must have been 5 am but everyone in the flat was fully awake by now.
It seemed that my family was trying to contact me urgently, and because I didn’t have a mobile, and I wasn’t in touch with my cousins, Aci decided to ring Sentul Police to help find me. My father passed away in his sleep.
I remember leaning on the wall and sliding down to the floor. I was thinking that finally I didn’t have to put up with him again. I didn’t cry, just that the news was finally sinking in.
CJ and PS made all the arrangements for me to fly home and sent me to the airport, for which PS got a ticket for illegal parking. Yes, I remember that too.
When I reached his wife’s kampong, I didn’t feel any sadness. I felt that my family was treated like strangers in their house. He was our father, but we were unable to arrange for his funeral. They have taken over everything and left us in limbo. We were not allowed to take him back to our house where he lived all his life. Na was furious, and insisted that at least father be buried near mom.
I recall sitting inside and looking at the people whom I didn’t know, and I resented my father for that. Why does he have to die in a stranger’s house?
Many questions popped out in my head. Was my father there for me when I needed him? Was he affectionate and loving? Was he a good dad? Did her ever hugged me?
For me, he was just… a father. He played no important roles in my life. I resented the way he treated my mother. I resented the way he carried his role as a father. I was mad at him for reasons I couldn’t even explain. For many years, I carried on thinking that he was responsible for many unhappiness. To me, he looked like he was not interested in his family, in us.
When mom was alive, I used her as a mediator to ask money or anything from him. I never asked him myself. When I called home, it was mom whom I talked to. When I went home, the longest time we talked was when we argued over which tv channel to watch. We never had any deep conversations like some father and daughter. I didn’t like talking to him, so I usually cut it short. We liked to belittle his many failed enterprises. When he got married again, Aci and I quarrelled with him and were not on the speaking term.
After all these years, I realised that he was just human. How would he know how to be a good father when there was no manuals for fathers? He just went head on following his instinct. He tried to do his best. Somewhere along the line, I wonder if he was hurt by my dismissal of him. By our treatments.
The year before he died, I noticed that he was aging and he wanted to be around the family, but we didn’t really grasp the point. Or maybe it was me who didn’t get it. I thought, wait a minute, he had his wife!
I know he was proud of me. Of his children, considering that everyone of us menjadi, according to orang kampung. Yet, I didn’t do anything to reconnect with him.
I am not mad at him anymore. That feeling is just in the past. Honestly, I thought I didn't have any love for him but after putting my anger aside and thinking as a mature adult, I do love him. For all the flaws that he had, he is still my father and sometimes I can see that there are things that I take after him.
These days, I am sad for I didn’t have the chance to treat him differently. Two years ago, I was still having problems understanding him. That was why I wrote the letter to the grave. I have changed and now I regret that I didn’t make an effort to get to know him., or talk to him, or just spend more time with him. If only he was still alive today, I would be a different daughter.
Father’s day is coming soon. I have always said that I am my mother’s daughter, but sometimes I wish that I was my father’s little girl. I have never ever cried for my father but tonight I did. For all the ups and downs in his life, he wasn’t so bad after all. If only he knew.
Al-Fatihah.
It spooks me up, you know.
Things like these always triggered my memory to an incident that happened some times ago. You know when a stranger came knocking at your door, it is like a phone call in the middle of the night. You’d be on guard and constantly worrying.
At that time, mobile phones were huge and ugly. Only the rich kids and well-paid working adults could afford one. With my salary, I could only dream of owning an analog Motorola. Besaq gedabak. Berat plak tu, baling anjing pun boleh mati one.
I was at a stage where I did not like family gathering and I stayed away as far as I can. They knew where I lived and Aci came to see me a few times when she came down to KL. Raya time, I spent the first day at home, and the second morning I couldn’t wait to leave to be with CJ’s family. I distanced myself and I would only call home maybe twice a year.
Yes. I was that bad. I was thinking I had nothing to worry about. No more sick mother. My father had his new wife and my siblings have their own family. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, but I just didn’t want to spend my time with them. It must be all that angst. It was my choice and I wanted to be left alone.
One night in 1999, PS, CJ and I were watching marathon of films at home. I remember feeling so bored and I think when I went to bed, I tido mati. Didn’t even stir a little. It was early morning when the knock came. Mind you, I didn’t hear any knocks, but PS came to our room and woke me up because there was two policemen outside looking for me.
Gulp! That really spooked me up. Maybe they were to arrest me since I fucked up my credit card in the States. (Everyone did it, so spare me the lecture)
I couldn’t find my voice when I faced them. I didn’t know what to say, so I nodded and hmmp-ed. My way of telling them I’m the one they were looking for. It must have been 5 am but everyone in the flat was fully awake by now.
It seemed that my family was trying to contact me urgently, and because I didn’t have a mobile, and I wasn’t in touch with my cousins, Aci decided to ring Sentul Police to help find me. My father passed away in his sleep.
I remember leaning on the wall and sliding down to the floor. I was thinking that finally I didn’t have to put up with him again. I didn’t cry, just that the news was finally sinking in.
CJ and PS made all the arrangements for me to fly home and sent me to the airport, for which PS got a ticket for illegal parking. Yes, I remember that too.
When I reached his wife’s kampong, I didn’t feel any sadness. I felt that my family was treated like strangers in their house. He was our father, but we were unable to arrange for his funeral. They have taken over everything and left us in limbo. We were not allowed to take him back to our house where he lived all his life. Na was furious, and insisted that at least father be buried near mom.
I recall sitting inside and looking at the people whom I didn’t know, and I resented my father for that. Why does he have to die in a stranger’s house?
Many questions popped out in my head. Was my father there for me when I needed him? Was he affectionate and loving? Was he a good dad? Did her ever hugged me?
For me, he was just… a father. He played no important roles in my life. I resented the way he treated my mother. I resented the way he carried his role as a father. I was mad at him for reasons I couldn’t even explain. For many years, I carried on thinking that he was responsible for many unhappiness. To me, he looked like he was not interested in his family, in us.
When mom was alive, I used her as a mediator to ask money or anything from him. I never asked him myself. When I called home, it was mom whom I talked to. When I went home, the longest time we talked was when we argued over which tv channel to watch. We never had any deep conversations like some father and daughter. I didn’t like talking to him, so I usually cut it short. We liked to belittle his many failed enterprises. When he got married again, Aci and I quarrelled with him and were not on the speaking term.
After all these years, I realised that he was just human. How would he know how to be a good father when there was no manuals for fathers? He just went head on following his instinct. He tried to do his best. Somewhere along the line, I wonder if he was hurt by my dismissal of him. By our treatments.
The year before he died, I noticed that he was aging and he wanted to be around the family, but we didn’t really grasp the point. Or maybe it was me who didn’t get it. I thought, wait a minute, he had his wife!
I know he was proud of me. Of his children, considering that everyone of us menjadi, according to orang kampung. Yet, I didn’t do anything to reconnect with him.
I am not mad at him anymore. That feeling is just in the past. Honestly, I thought I didn't have any love for him but after putting my anger aside and thinking as a mature adult, I do love him. For all the flaws that he had, he is still my father and sometimes I can see that there are things that I take after him.
These days, I am sad for I didn’t have the chance to treat him differently. Two years ago, I was still having problems understanding him. That was why I wrote the letter to the grave. I have changed and now I regret that I didn’t make an effort to get to know him., or talk to him, or just spend more time with him. If only he was still alive today, I would be a different daughter.
Father’s day is coming soon. I have always said that I am my mother’s daughter, but sometimes I wish that I was my father’s little girl. I have never ever cried for my father but tonight I did. For all the ups and downs in his life, he wasn’t so bad after all. If only he knew.
Al-Fatihah.
Saturday, 10 June 2006
I got it back!
To CarlBryant at http://carlstinybrain.blogspot.com , thank you for your help. The blog is now back to normal. Fuuuuhh!
Friday, 9 June 2006
WTF!!!!!
what the hell happened to my blog????? Everything got deleted after maintenance. To think that I have spent time customising all the little details. They're all gone! Dang!!!!!
minat (or minah) bola
So, World Cup is now upon us. Everywhere I go, I will see that famous St. George’s flag. In cars, on the doors, on the roof (I kid you not), on the windows, and basically anywhere I turn my head lah. I have one next to my mirror, plus I have my gnome!
It’s good that I’m cheering for Becks and gang. But since I’m a freak, I will try to watch other interesting matches. I could be the worst football commentator alive, for I know nought about it. I just love watching men sepaking the bola around. Ain't it beautiful? Ahakss.
But aiyo this Saturday I work maaaaah… how lor? Boss, can give time off ah?
My favourites would be, of course England, Brasil (cos ada mamat jongang cute tu), and Netherlands. I love the spirit of the Oranje!
Today we see a couple of Group A clashes with the hosts Germany taking on Costa Rica, and Poland squaring off against Ecuador. Here’s my predictions of the outcome of these two games.
Germany 2 Costa Rica 0 Ger 4 CR 2 (betul la tu 2 gol diff :)
Poland 2 Ecuador 1 Pol 0 Ecu 2 (aik! pedah jadi?)
Group B predictions:
England 2 Paraguay 1 Eng 1 Par 0
Sweden 2 Trinidad & Tobago 0 Swe 0 T&T 0
It’s good that I’m cheering for Becks and gang. But since I’m a freak, I will try to watch other interesting matches. I could be the worst football commentator alive, for I know nought about it. I just love watching men sepaking the bola around. Ain't it beautiful? Ahakss.
But aiyo this Saturday I work maaaaah… how lor? Boss, can give time off ah?
My favourites would be, of course England, Brasil (cos ada mamat jongang cute tu), and Netherlands. I love the spirit of the Oranje!
Today we see a couple of Group A clashes with the hosts Germany taking on Costa Rica, and Poland squaring off against Ecuador. Here’s my predictions of the outcome of these two games.
Germany 2 Costa Rica 0 Ger 4 CR 2 (betul la tu 2 gol diff :)
Poland 2 Ecuador 1 Pol 0 Ecu 2 (aik! pedah jadi?)
Group B predictions:
England 2 Paraguay 1 Eng 1 Par 0
Sweden 2 Trinidad & Tobago 0 Swe 0 T&T 0
Thursday, 8 June 2006
of being an extra
Last year, out of the blue Kfiatek and I went to an audition at King's Cross. At the end of the audition, Kfiatek backed off but I decided to register with the casting agency.
They promised that all new faces that were featured in their candidate catalogues would at least get one assignment in a year. Imagine my anticipation.
But nothing happened. Cheh! Spoil sungguh.
I didn't bother anymore, but lately, I have been getting lotsa emails about me being shortlisted for potential extra. For HSBC ads, insurance ads, oh and also George Michael new music video!
Hahahahaaa... As if I would be selected. Must be their tactics to get me to pay and register again.
Berhenti berharap la. Hehehehe
They promised that all new faces that were featured in their candidate catalogues would at least get one assignment in a year. Imagine my anticipation.
But nothing happened. Cheh! Spoil sungguh.
I didn't bother anymore, but lately, I have been getting lotsa emails about me being shortlisted for potential extra. For HSBC ads, insurance ads, oh and also George Michael new music video!
Hahahahaaa... As if I would be selected. Must be their tactics to get me to pay and register again.
Berhenti berharap la. Hehehehe
Sorry...
If you accidently read my previous entry, please pardon my French. And the heat got to my head.
I seriously thought about slashing the tires, and smashing the windows, but takuttt... kena tangkap kang naya je. Terus kena deport balik. Heh
I seriously thought about slashing the tires, and smashing the windows, but takuttt... kena tangkap kang naya je. Terus kena deport balik. Heh
Tuesday, 6 June 2006
bila madu menjadi bitter
I'm in the mood to write and relate stuff with peribahasa.
Some peribahasa can be used in a broad manner and nowadays, anything goes what!
A good friend of mine told me that I have been too soft hearted and too nice to people. It's time, she said, to be selfish and think more about myself.
Quote. Tapi satu je hang kena ingat, buat baik berpada-pada. You have done quite a lot for X. But X has not proven his/her worth to you yet (except making you laugh la...). Of course kalau kita tolong orang tu, kita kena ikhlas, tapi kena ingat jugak, bila hari kita sampai nanti, adakah dia akan buat the same thing for us. It's ok to be a bit more selfish. Unquote.
My friend forced me to see it from her point of view, and The Mentor has been saying the same thing to me over and over again. I agree with them. Totally. Dah ramai orang dok pijak kepala ni. Yet, I cannot turn away when people ask me, can I? It would be rude.
I am a very emotional lass, and I came fully loaded with goodness ie macam cream and butter (ni masuk bakul naik lif) I may act tough, acuh tak acuh and independent, but I still remember my manner. My mother's school of thought.
Last night, as I was dozzing off I had some flashings in my head. My brain was telling me that I have been discarded from someone's life. After getting all one wanted from me, I'm no longer of any use to that person. You know, like the saying, habis madu sepah dibuang.
Fine. I wish the person a good life.
Some peribahasa can be used in a broad manner and nowadays, anything goes what!
A good friend of mine told me that I have been too soft hearted and too nice to people. It's time, she said, to be selfish and think more about myself.
Quote. Tapi satu je hang kena ingat, buat baik berpada-pada. You have done quite a lot for X. But X has not proven his/her worth to you yet (except making you laugh la...). Of course kalau kita tolong orang tu, kita kena ikhlas, tapi kena ingat jugak, bila hari kita sampai nanti, adakah dia akan buat the same thing for us. It's ok to be a bit more selfish. Unquote.
My friend forced me to see it from her point of view, and The Mentor has been saying the same thing to me over and over again. I agree with them. Totally. Dah ramai orang dok pijak kepala ni. Yet, I cannot turn away when people ask me, can I? It would be rude.
I am a very emotional lass, and I came fully loaded with goodness ie macam cream and butter (ni masuk bakul naik lif) I may act tough, acuh tak acuh and independent, but I still remember my manner. My mother's school of thought.
Last night, as I was dozzing off I had some flashings in my head. My brain was telling me that I have been discarded from someone's life. After getting all one wanted from me, I'm no longer of any use to that person. You know, like the saying, habis madu sepah dibuang.
Fine. I wish the person a good life.
Thursday, 1 June 2006
of cinta and sin
aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat
tak ada cinta ku dapat
-SO7-
Lately I haven't been reading any news at all because busy jadi Tom Tom but last night I managed to catch up on dz's blog. Tup tup ada cerita Misyar. Apa kebendenya tu? I thought ramai orang nak kawin with Misha Omar. Huh? Makcik blur...
Whatever lah. Malaysians have weird sense of humor, eh? Dunia dah tunggang terbalik pun Malaysian politicians and artists still dok citer pasal kawin. There must be something wrong somewhere when man made law is being hailed greater than God's. Terlampau pandai sangat dah.
Sedar tak sedar we all live in sin, but semua tak mengaku. Bodohlah sapa yang mengaku tu, kan? Heh. Most of us try to be as sinless as possible, but some just like to close one eye.
Ni kawin misyar ni nak consider them doing a favor to womenfolks ke? Baik tak payah lah bang oi. I believe many single and successful women are not too bothered anymore with a husband. Such nuisance unless kalau dah betul betul cinta. But where got one? Ada la dua tiga kerat yang really found love, the rest... hummmp. If the man says kawin misyar ni doing the woman a favor, he can jolly well sod-off.
I prefer having a boyfriend to a husband. If it's easy to leave then I think you work harder, but at least you won't be tied down and feel trapped. As soon as you have a ring on your finger, you start taking the other person for granted, and the love goes out the bloody window, and I don't like that. I'm quite a romantic lass and I do like love and all the business that goes with it. But marriage? Errr... prove yourself worthy first for me to pass through hell on the way to heaven.
Blimey! My sister would choke if she reads this. But as long as it makes sense to me, who are you to say anything, right? =)
We live in sin, folks!
dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat
tak ada cinta ku dapat
-SO7-
Lately I haven't been reading any news at all because busy jadi Tom Tom but last night I managed to catch up on dz's blog. Tup tup ada cerita Misyar. Apa kebendenya tu? I thought ramai orang nak kawin with Misha Omar. Huh? Makcik blur...
Whatever lah. Malaysians have weird sense of humor, eh? Dunia dah tunggang terbalik pun Malaysian politicians and artists still dok citer pasal kawin. There must be something wrong somewhere when man made law is being hailed greater than God's. Terlampau pandai sangat dah.
Sedar tak sedar we all live in sin, but semua tak mengaku. Bodohlah sapa yang mengaku tu, kan? Heh. Most of us try to be as sinless as possible, but some just like to close one eye.
Ni kawin misyar ni nak consider them doing a favor to womenfolks ke? Baik tak payah lah bang oi. I believe many single and successful women are not too bothered anymore with a husband. Such nuisance unless kalau dah betul betul cinta. But where got one? Ada la dua tiga kerat yang really found love, the rest... hummmp. If the man says kawin misyar ni doing the woman a favor, he can jolly well sod-off.
I prefer having a boyfriend to a husband. If it's easy to leave then I think you work harder, but at least you won't be tied down and feel trapped. As soon as you have a ring on your finger, you start taking the other person for granted, and the love goes out the bloody window, and I don't like that. I'm quite a romantic lass and I do like love and all the business that goes with it. But marriage? Errr... prove yourself worthy first for me to pass through hell on the way to heaven.
Blimey! My sister would choke if she reads this. But as long as it makes sense to me, who are you to say anything, right? =)
We live in sin, folks!
Thursday, 25 May 2006
of changes and glamour
Funny eh? I got so many things I want to write about and when I'm in front of the computer, they all puff into the air. There's something in the water :)
I've never received so many text messages in my life before like I did a few days ago. Perasan glemer sekejap. Ahakkksss.
Anyway, back to real life. I'm going to whine about the lack of my social life. Honestly, it has gone from bad to worse. Work is taking up most of my time, working till late hours. It may sound good or exciting on papers, but the down side of it is that I hardly had time to even go out for a coffee with a friend anymore.
When was the last time I went out for a walk? 6 weeks ago maybe.
I was away last friday and only got home on monday, and I'm going away again this friday only to come home next tuesday. If I managed to stay alive, that is.
Ok, now I remember what I want to write.
What I want to say is that people change.
Heh... tetiba je masuk bab ni. Someone made a comment to me which I feel memang kena kat batang hidung I. But the thing is that komen kena to the former me, before I started to go through another transformation.
I have gone through phases, which I believe everyone does too. When I was young, I was a bully, loud and naughty. I did some of the unthinkable, but I was brave and foolish at the same time.
Then I became the nice person, who wouldn't even break a rule. Always jovial and helpful, but I didn't know much about everything else. I thought the world belongs to me.
At some point, I changed to become someone who rebel and hate other people's company. I wanted to do things on my own, wanted to be different, didn't care if I'm accepted or not, and I was a loner. I had that 'who cares' attitude.
In recent time, I broke a few laws, became restless, heartbroken, lost my confidence, had low self-esteem, didn't think much of the consequences, didn't like talking to people and was still a loner.
However, things are changing, yet again. I think I have become a deep thinker and listen a lot. Still brave but dah ada perasaan takut tu. My heart still stay the same, but my common sense is telling me that some things need to be done differently. I may break a few more laws, do foolish stunts, but I am thinking about the right things to do for the future.
Believe it or not, without me realising it, I'm opening up to people now. Slowly. Through blog and other venues. I'm trying to rid my shyness. heh
The point is some things that I said years ago may not valid today. One cannot hold that against me. I may have a good reason for saying it at that time but it could have been irrelevant at this point. I cannot help myself but to go along with the changes if I think it's best for me.
Deep down, I am still me. I still have the same characters I had when I was young. The only thing that is changing are the way I think and the way I do things.
And there're some good people left in the world. I'm one of them. Hehehe...
I've never received so many text messages in my life before like I did a few days ago. Perasan glemer sekejap. Ahakkksss.
Anyway, back to real life. I'm going to whine about the lack of my social life. Honestly, it has gone from bad to worse. Work is taking up most of my time, working till late hours. It may sound good or exciting on papers, but the down side of it is that I hardly had time to even go out for a coffee with a friend anymore.
When was the last time I went out for a walk? 6 weeks ago maybe.
I was away last friday and only got home on monday, and I'm going away again this friday only to come home next tuesday. If I managed to stay alive, that is.
Ok, now I remember what I want to write.
What I want to say is that people change.
Heh... tetiba je masuk bab ni. Someone made a comment to me which I feel memang kena kat batang hidung I. But the thing is that komen kena to the former me, before I started to go through another transformation.
I have gone through phases, which I believe everyone does too. When I was young, I was a bully, loud and naughty. I did some of the unthinkable, but I was brave and foolish at the same time.
Then I became the nice person, who wouldn't even break a rule. Always jovial and helpful, but I didn't know much about everything else. I thought the world belongs to me.
At some point, I changed to become someone who rebel and hate other people's company. I wanted to do things on my own, wanted to be different, didn't care if I'm accepted or not, and I was a loner. I had that 'who cares' attitude.
In recent time, I broke a few laws, became restless, heartbroken, lost my confidence, had low self-esteem, didn't think much of the consequences, didn't like talking to people and was still a loner.
However, things are changing, yet again. I think I have become a deep thinker and listen a lot. Still brave but dah ada perasaan takut tu. My heart still stay the same, but my common sense is telling me that some things need to be done differently. I may break a few more laws, do foolish stunts, but I am thinking about the right things to do for the future.
Believe it or not, without me realising it, I'm opening up to people now. Slowly. Through blog and other venues. I'm trying to rid my shyness. heh
The point is some things that I said years ago may not valid today. One cannot hold that against me. I may have a good reason for saying it at that time but it could have been irrelevant at this point. I cannot help myself but to go along with the changes if I think it's best for me.
Deep down, I am still me. I still have the same characters I had when I was young. The only thing that is changing are the way I think and the way I do things.
And there're some good people left in the world. I'm one of them. Hehehe...
Wednesday, 17 May 2006
a friend with benefit
Today I received a new friend from a friend.
Meet my garden gnome, George. Unfortunate for him, I haven't got a garden but a semak samun kat belakang rumah, so for the rest of his life, he's going to be locked up inside. When the World Cup starts, we are going to camp in front of the telly and sing World at Your Feet.
Honestly, I am quite light hearted today.
Everything seems to form right in front of my eyes. Or maybe I am looking at the path I'm supposed to take? Could be.
Or maybe I have to create new challenges for myself? Could be.
Or maybe I finally see what I haven't seen before? Could be.
Great. Now I have to get down to business and plan.
Sometimes I confused myself. I think I have too many plans that I do not know which one is the best to follow.
Yesterday, I thought to myself, 'what you read is not what you see/get'. Not a 100%. There are things that should be kept hidden, but sometimes truth need to be told.
Dear God, please tunjukkan hamba mu yang hina ini jalan yang baik untuk diikuti. Jalan yang diredhai oleh Mu. Yang membahagiakan and boleh menenangkan hati, kalau yang memberikan kemewahan pun boleh jugak. Amin.
PS, mana ko ni? ingat tak 4 years ago, aku kat sini tengah busy jual aiskrim and you were there and you updated me with scores between England and Argentina? This year I'd wake you up and kita sesama tengok, from 2 continents jurang jauh cemana pun tak leh memisahkan kita. cewah.. heheheh
Meet my garden gnome, George. Unfortunate for him, I haven't got a garden but a semak samun kat belakang rumah, so for the rest of his life, he's going to be locked up inside. When the World Cup starts, we are going to camp in front of the telly and sing World at Your Feet.Honestly, I am quite light hearted today.
Everything seems to form right in front of my eyes. Or maybe I am looking at the path I'm supposed to take? Could be.
Or maybe I have to create new challenges for myself? Could be.
Or maybe I finally see what I haven't seen before? Could be.
Great. Now I have to get down to business and plan.
Sometimes I confused myself. I think I have too many plans that I do not know which one is the best to follow.
Yesterday, I thought to myself, 'what you read is not what you see/get'. Not a 100%. There are things that should be kept hidden, but sometimes truth need to be told.
Dear God, please tunjukkan hamba mu yang hina ini jalan yang baik untuk diikuti. Jalan yang diredhai oleh Mu. Yang membahagiakan and boleh menenangkan hati, kalau yang memberikan kemewahan pun boleh jugak. Amin.
PS, mana ko ni? ingat tak 4 years ago, aku kat sini tengah busy jual aiskrim and you were there and you updated me with scores between England and Argentina? This year I'd wake you up and kita sesama tengok, from 2 continents jurang jauh cemana pun tak leh memisahkan kita. cewah.. heheheh
Wednesday, 10 May 2006
Hola! Espana
Hola!
What a very tiring but satisfying day so far in Barca.
The flight from Gatwick was a little too much because there were too many loud English girls onboard. From the moment we took off until we touched down, I didn´t have any quiet time to nap. They even clapped and cheered when the plane landed on the runway. Hmmm...
The view from up above was phenomenal with the Spanish mountains and sea caling out to me.
From the aeroport I figured out it might be faster to take the train, but unfortunately I had to make too many changes that I wasted one hour trying to figure it out.
Once I came out from Plaza Catalunya into the streets, I was taken aback by Barcelona´s beauty. Her wonderful architectures and cultural aspects are unbelievable. Wonderful.
I stopped a policeman for direction to La Rambla while I was looking for the hostel and trust me, La Rambla is the place you want to be.
I amazed myself with my Spanish. No habla mucho espanyal, but I get by with a few words. Ahaks. I guess everyone does too.
Fortunate for me that my hostel is right in the middle of La Rambla itself. I left my bag and went down hunting for whatever. The cafes are just as luring as her architectures. Sipping the second sangria in my life ever, I sat quietly watching passers by, and for awhile there my worries seem to vanish.
What a very tiring but satisfying day so far in Barca.
The flight from Gatwick was a little too much because there were too many loud English girls onboard. From the moment we took off until we touched down, I didn´t have any quiet time to nap. They even clapped and cheered when the plane landed on the runway. Hmmm...
The view from up above was phenomenal with the Spanish mountains and sea caling out to me.
From the aeroport I figured out it might be faster to take the train, but unfortunately I had to make too many changes that I wasted one hour trying to figure it out.
Once I came out from Plaza Catalunya into the streets, I was taken aback by Barcelona´s beauty. Her wonderful architectures and cultural aspects are unbelievable. Wonderful.
I stopped a policeman for direction to La Rambla while I was looking for the hostel and trust me, La Rambla is the place you want to be.
I amazed myself with my Spanish. No habla mucho espanyal, but I get by with a few words. Ahaks. I guess everyone does too.
Fortunate for me that my hostel is right in the middle of La Rambla itself. I left my bag and went down hunting for whatever. The cafes are just as luring as her architectures. Sipping the second sangria in my life ever, I sat quietly watching passers by, and for awhile there my worries seem to vanish.
Tuesday, 9 May 2006
gulp!
Cancer - June 21 - July 22
Hard work usually pays off, but not in your case. Luckily for the rest of us you carry on regardless because you're a sucker and fearful of confrontation. These character flaws actually make you a winner in the survival of the thickest, and you'll live long and prosper - as long as you remember to do the washing up, buy bog roll, etc. Remember, the urge to protect and nurture loved ones is valid even if they don't notice, so keep up the good (house) work.
May I live long and prosper. Amin.
Hard work usually pays off, but not in your case. Luckily for the rest of us you carry on regardless because you're a sucker and fearful of confrontation. These character flaws actually make you a winner in the survival of the thickest, and you'll live long and prosper - as long as you remember to do the washing up, buy bog roll, etc. Remember, the urge to protect and nurture loved ones is valid even if they don't notice, so keep up the good (house) work.
May I live long and prosper. Amin.
Monday, 8 May 2006
The Office and Tom Tom
I had to write this before I become more cranky. At this moment I letih semacam je.
I had a frustrating morning that lead me to think I don't want to do this anymore. I am serious. I know I have been thinking about it since last year and I may leave at the end of this year, but today is the final straw. I finally felt that this is it.
I am so tired of the fiascos I had to face at the office. With the customers, the suppliers, the drivers, the people in the freezer, the people at Eng*lish Heri*tage and with driving around the country.
I have seen enough, I think. I have been to almost every nook and cranny of England that I might vomit maps now. I might as well be Tom Tom the satellite navigator too. For once, I want to take the bus or even ride my bike to work.
Today is The Mentor's first day at work after 2 weeks of holiday in Karachi. I told her what I felt and I knew she would understand because sometimes she feels the same. All she gets are phone calls about problem after problem, but without that much support from others.
What I need to do now is to find someone to train and take with me for events, and in one or two months let him takes over. It could be sooner. Who knows?
She said she's going to miss me. Mmmm... I know she will, and I will miss her too.
It's good that I'm off to Barca even though it is just for 2 nights. When I come back, I need to take more risks with my life and maybe pursue things that I dream of doing.
I had a frustrating morning that lead me to think I don't want to do this anymore. I am serious. I know I have been thinking about it since last year and I may leave at the end of this year, but today is the final straw. I finally felt that this is it.
I am so tired of the fiascos I had to face at the office. With the customers, the suppliers, the drivers, the people in the freezer, the people at Eng*lish Heri*tage and with driving around the country.
I have seen enough, I think. I have been to almost every nook and cranny of England that I might vomit maps now. I might as well be Tom Tom the satellite navigator too. For once, I want to take the bus or even ride my bike to work.
Today is The Mentor's first day at work after 2 weeks of holiday in Karachi. I told her what I felt and I knew she would understand because sometimes she feels the same. All she gets are phone calls about problem after problem, but without that much support from others.
What I need to do now is to find someone to train and take with me for events, and in one or two months let him takes over. It could be sooner. Who knows?
She said she's going to miss me. Mmmm... I know she will, and I will miss her too.
It's good that I'm off to Barca even though it is just for 2 nights. When I come back, I need to take more risks with my life and maybe pursue things that I dream of doing.
of compassion and alter ego
I have been in a limbo, and as I get older I worry too much.
Many moons ago I planted an idea into someone's head, thinking that it was a good idea for that person to explore and begin an adventure. I did this all the time. I mean giving people these kind of ideas i.e. going to work in Dubai, on a cruise ship, going backpacking in Europe etc etc.
I like my comfort zone but at the same time I do like exploring and trying out things. If it didn't work out, well hey, at least I gave it a go. Btw, I'm going to Barcelona on Tuesday. Woohoo!
Right. Some people don't take me seriously, some sneered at me, a few dared taking up the chances but the rest just didn't give a damn. Hehe. But I do things my way. I believe most people are like that, or they think that they want to do things their way, but circumstances don't allow them so they do it the way they think society approves. Oh man! I don't make sense, do I?
Anyway, when you planted an idea into someone's head, and helped nurtured it, indirectly, it's like bringing something new to your world. There will be a point when you feel responsible for it. It doesn't matter if that someone is capable of handling oneself, because the point is that you were there to assist in almost every way possible.
I guess when unexpected bittersweet things happened, wiping up your existense and leaving your heart with a little hole, it's natural that you'd feel like you're in a turmoil. It's not even your life, but the question is why should you care?
Because as human being, I believe we have to have compassion. Be a little humane. Not to the point of being paranoia, but enough to show that you care and to know that your heart is still beating. There are too many nastiness and cruelty and I don't want the people around me to be added to the statistics.
I need to believe that there are still some people who will go out of their way to be good samaritans. I'm not a saint and we can't help the whole world, but I know we can help the person next to us.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately for the next few days I won't be around. Barcelona is waiting for my arrival. But if you need me, just touch your nose because my alter ego Superwok will jump to the rescue (in her seat).
Many moons ago I planted an idea into someone's head, thinking that it was a good idea for that person to explore and begin an adventure. I did this all the time. I mean giving people these kind of ideas i.e. going to work in Dubai, on a cruise ship, going backpacking in Europe etc etc.
I like my comfort zone but at the same time I do like exploring and trying out things. If it didn't work out, well hey, at least I gave it a go. Btw, I'm going to Barcelona on Tuesday. Woohoo!
Right. Some people don't take me seriously, some sneered at me, a few dared taking up the chances but the rest just didn't give a damn. Hehe. But I do things my way. I believe most people are like that, or they think that they want to do things their way, but circumstances don't allow them so they do it the way they think society approves. Oh man! I don't make sense, do I?
Anyway, when you planted an idea into someone's head, and helped nurtured it, indirectly, it's like bringing something new to your world. There will be a point when you feel responsible for it. It doesn't matter if that someone is capable of handling oneself, because the point is that you were there to assist in almost every way possible.
I guess when unexpected bittersweet things happened, wiping up your existense and leaving your heart with a little hole, it's natural that you'd feel like you're in a turmoil. It's not even your life, but the question is why should you care?
Because as human being, I believe we have to have compassion. Be a little humane. Not to the point of being paranoia, but enough to show that you care and to know that your heart is still beating. There are too many nastiness and cruelty and I don't want the people around me to be added to the statistics.
I need to believe that there are still some people who will go out of their way to be good samaritans. I'm not a saint and we can't help the whole world, but I know we can help the person next to us.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately for the next few days I won't be around. Barcelona is waiting for my arrival. But if you need me, just touch your nose because my alter ego Superwok will jump to the rescue (in her seat).
Friday, 5 May 2006
of weddings and losing weight
I have two weddings at the end of this year. Did I tell you I actually don't like this kind of gathering? or in fact, any kind of gatherings with too many crowd. Well, yeah. So I have these weddings, one in September in Poland, and another in December in Malaysia.
My right hand man at work has invited me, and since we have gotten very close over the last 3 years, I said I'd go. It will be kinda different because I've never been to a Polish wedding before. The Mentor was also invited, and we have already make plans to hire a car and drive around in the country. She warned me not to get too drunk like them Poles since they are well known for being heavy vodka drinkers. Heh, as if la boss.
I was told that the bride's mother is so excited that I'm coming, it seems like she is so eager to meet me after hearing all about me. I hope she didn't hear anything bad though. I told the bride that we would be just like cats and dogs since I wouldn't be able to understand her at all because she doesn't know a word of English. I can get by with a few Polish phrases especially the cursing words, but I don't think they will be pleased to hear that.
Another wedding is in Muar. I called it My Best Friend's Wedding. Not too worry, I won't do a Julia Roberts to you guys. Hehe. I don't know yet whether I can make it or not. I feel it's not fair to her if I didn't go because how could a person do that to her best friend, right? If I'm not thinking straight, I would just go on impulse and buy the ticket and fly home, but I have many issues to consider before I could make a decision. I honestly want to be there but my desire cannot rule my reality. For that, I, your humble friend, would like to apologise for it.
It would be great to be back even if it's just for a week. Just to touch base. And probably surprise people with me losing more weight. Hehe. Of course, that is one of the things people must do to attend weddings. I have to find the right dresses, the right shoes, the right gifts bla bla bla. I promise not to buy a toaster or a set of juice glasses. No photo album and not another kettle either. Ahaks.
So yeah, it has been an uphill struggle to lose weight. I have a diet buddy and for the last few months it seemed like it was working fine. Unfortunately for both of us, we have taken a break at the same time and now my weight has shoot up again. I think it's time to get back in the game.
Though I think I was doing fine actually. In the last few days, I have forgotten to eat. Ok ok, it's not good for the body but when I am happy, I would be eating all the time and that didn't help either. But the things is when I have many things in my head, the body automatically switched to no food zone. Yesterday, I only managed to grab a bite of tasteless tuna sandwich for lunch and nothing for dinner. And the day before that I don't remember eating at all. If I go on like this, I'd be pencil thin by next month. Ahaks, wishful thinking ewok, wishful thinking.
Tonight, however, it's makan time! We are celebrating AG's birthday. I wish you have a long life ahead, sifu. It has been a pleasure knowing you.
My right hand man at work has invited me, and since we have gotten very close over the last 3 years, I said I'd go. It will be kinda different because I've never been to a Polish wedding before. The Mentor was also invited, and we have already make plans to hire a car and drive around in the country. She warned me not to get too drunk like them Poles since they are well known for being heavy vodka drinkers. Heh, as if la boss.
I was told that the bride's mother is so excited that I'm coming, it seems like she is so eager to meet me after hearing all about me. I hope she didn't hear anything bad though. I told the bride that we would be just like cats and dogs since I wouldn't be able to understand her at all because she doesn't know a word of English. I can get by with a few Polish phrases especially the cursing words, but I don't think they will be pleased to hear that.
Another wedding is in Muar. I called it My Best Friend's Wedding. Not too worry, I won't do a Julia Roberts to you guys. Hehe. I don't know yet whether I can make it or not. I feel it's not fair to her if I didn't go because how could a person do that to her best friend, right? If I'm not thinking straight, I would just go on impulse and buy the ticket and fly home, but I have many issues to consider before I could make a decision. I honestly want to be there but my desire cannot rule my reality. For that, I, your humble friend, would like to apologise for it.
It would be great to be back even if it's just for a week. Just to touch base. And probably surprise people with me losing more weight. Hehe. Of course, that is one of the things people must do to attend weddings. I have to find the right dresses, the right shoes, the right gifts bla bla bla. I promise not to buy a toaster or a set of juice glasses. No photo album and not another kettle either. Ahaks.
So yeah, it has been an uphill struggle to lose weight. I have a diet buddy and for the last few months it seemed like it was working fine. Unfortunately for both of us, we have taken a break at the same time and now my weight has shoot up again. I think it's time to get back in the game.
Though I think I was doing fine actually. In the last few days, I have forgotten to eat. Ok ok, it's not good for the body but when I am happy, I would be eating all the time and that didn't help either. But the things is when I have many things in my head, the body automatically switched to no food zone. Yesterday, I only managed to grab a bite of tasteless tuna sandwich for lunch and nothing for dinner. And the day before that I don't remember eating at all. If I go on like this, I'd be pencil thin by next month. Ahaks, wishful thinking ewok, wishful thinking.
Tonight, however, it's makan time! We are celebrating AG's birthday. I wish you have a long life ahead, sifu. It has been a pleasure knowing you.
Thursday, 4 May 2006
of being ice cube
My darling PS said I'm like an ice cube. Tuang air je senang cair and I'm easy to become another cube when needed. Hummmppp... I thought I'm more like a bird, but you have been with me during my ups and downs and you know me well, inside and out.
You could be right babe, but you know what? I didn't ask to be built this way. And after all these years, I don't think I can change. I might be an ice cube but definitely not an ice queen. Heh.
More than often I wonder how to be one, but in the end my conscience will hold me back. So, I guess there's nothing else to do then except walk away, again.
One thing for sure is that my life here is not done.
I miss you, CJ and JackJack. So much.
You could be right babe, but you know what? I didn't ask to be built this way. And after all these years, I don't think I can change. I might be an ice cube but definitely not an ice queen. Heh.
More than often I wonder how to be one, but in the end my conscience will hold me back. So, I guess there's nothing else to do then except walk away, again.
One thing for sure is that my life here is not done.
I miss you, CJ and JackJack. So much.
Saturday, 29 April 2006
of being scared
Last night before I went to sleep, I asked a friend about dreams and nightmare. A very bad mistake! I shouldn't have asked.
I had not one but 3 nightmares.
One, as I remember vaguely, I was looking at a car crash in the making in slow motion. Two women suddenly crashed into a wall and blood was all over the place. The car was beyond repair and one woman came out with one eye popped out.
Two, there was a girl in a red car. The rear door was opened and I can see her struggling on the back seat, fighting off an evil plant that was trying to kill her.
Three, this is the scariest because it seemed real. A figure in black hooded cloak walked into the room through the back door and was walking toward me. I saw it and I wanted to ask for help but I was unable to scream. It was like my lips are sealed. I think I was really trashing in my sleep that I might have disturbed the whole neighborhood. When I finally woke up, I went to shut that door straight away.
Damn door! If it's shut then I will feel like I'm in a desert in Afrika, and now I can't have it open because I am scared that some stranger may actually walk in during the night.
I won't be able to sleep either way now. But that would probably make someone happy because I won't be throwing my arms and legs all over the bed and disturb her sleep.
I have never been scared like this before. I had dreams where I cried in my sleep but not this. I'm awake but I'm just too scared to go back to sleep.
Bloody hell! I die a thousand death la. A cat just walked pass the window and scared the hell out of me. Mmmm... I just can't win, can I? Even a cat can scare me now. Eh, I ain't got 9 lives ya know. Aiyaa.. I think I'd just go back under the duvet and try to close my eyes again.
I had not one but 3 nightmares.
One, as I remember vaguely, I was looking at a car crash in the making in slow motion. Two women suddenly crashed into a wall and blood was all over the place. The car was beyond repair and one woman came out with one eye popped out.
Two, there was a girl in a red car. The rear door was opened and I can see her struggling on the back seat, fighting off an evil plant that was trying to kill her.
Three, this is the scariest because it seemed real. A figure in black hooded cloak walked into the room through the back door and was walking toward me. I saw it and I wanted to ask for help but I was unable to scream. It was like my lips are sealed. I think I was really trashing in my sleep that I might have disturbed the whole neighborhood. When I finally woke up, I went to shut that door straight away.
Damn door! If it's shut then I will feel like I'm in a desert in Afrika, and now I can't have it open because I am scared that some stranger may actually walk in during the night.
I won't be able to sleep either way now. But that would probably make someone happy because I won't be throwing my arms and legs all over the bed and disturb her sleep.
I have never been scared like this before. I had dreams where I cried in my sleep but not this. I'm awake but I'm just too scared to go back to sleep.
Bloody hell! I die a thousand death la. A cat just walked pass the window and scared the hell out of me. Mmmm... I just can't win, can I? Even a cat can scare me now. Eh, I ain't got 9 lives ya know. Aiyaa.. I think I'd just go back under the duvet and try to close my eyes again.
Wednesday, 26 April 2006
a promise to myself
As I was sitting in the tube last night, suddenly there was a rush of feelings running havoc inside of me. I've been busy maintaining dignity and being peaceful, it's tempting to think that I'm detached and there's no place for big feelings.
Well, it doesn't work that way. I know it's ok to feel angry when someone really hacks me off. It's ok to feel huge sadness and grief when I lose a loved one. And it's ok to feel tremendous joy. Sitting on my feelings isn't a good idea. They just get squashed that way.
Sometimes I grieve silently when people talked about their parents. Just listening to them talking about summer holidays and spending time with their families makes me envy them. Technically, I am an orphan, but after so many years of trying to maintain dignity and appearance by not showing that I am weak or out of control, I know it didn't do me any good, even though I was trying to get over the difficult times.
I brought these feelings with me but I just have to learn to walk away. I know we all hate to fail, hate to give up, hate to give in. Sometimes things are simply not going to happen the way we want and when shit happens, we have to learn to shrug and walk away with our pride intact.
In recent times, there were moments when I feel that I want to get even but being slightly older and wiser, it's just a total waste of time. Yeah, I do think that I am a little wiser now and I would walk away from such stupid feeling.
There is no one else. No matter how much I want to remain as a child (sometimes I act like one too), I am all grown-up and I'm on my own now. That's a fact. It does sound scary and believe me it is terrifying because whether I like it or not, all I got is myself. But I'm not going to let the situation controls me. I choose how to make my bed with every action and every decision.
It's like an instant karma. It is my bed and I am going to lie in it. Everything I do will dictate whether my life is going to run happily or badly. And whatever I do and how I do it will come back to me in spades.
However rushed and fraught I am, I'm making a promise to myself that I should always make the effort to do the right thing and remember good manners. At least I want to try because they cost nothing and yet can generate goodwill and make everyone's life (including mine) much better and pleasant. A simple thank you, a little politeness and being hospitable go a long long way.
We all lead increasingly busy, frantic lives. We all get caught up in chaotic lives to such extent that we lose sight of where we were going and what we were going to achieve. It's time to take a little break, look back, touch base and move on.
A man with an impressive name, Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi said, 'The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles.'
I can vouch that what he said is true. Now it's my turn to listen.
Well, it doesn't work that way. I know it's ok to feel angry when someone really hacks me off. It's ok to feel huge sadness and grief when I lose a loved one. And it's ok to feel tremendous joy. Sitting on my feelings isn't a good idea. They just get squashed that way.
Sometimes I grieve silently when people talked about their parents. Just listening to them talking about summer holidays and spending time with their families makes me envy them. Technically, I am an orphan, but after so many years of trying to maintain dignity and appearance by not showing that I am weak or out of control, I know it didn't do me any good, even though I was trying to get over the difficult times.
I brought these feelings with me but I just have to learn to walk away. I know we all hate to fail, hate to give up, hate to give in. Sometimes things are simply not going to happen the way we want and when shit happens, we have to learn to shrug and walk away with our pride intact.
In recent times, there were moments when I feel that I want to get even but being slightly older and wiser, it's just a total waste of time. Yeah, I do think that I am a little wiser now and I would walk away from such stupid feeling.
There is no one else. No matter how much I want to remain as a child (sometimes I act like one too), I am all grown-up and I'm on my own now. That's a fact. It does sound scary and believe me it is terrifying because whether I like it or not, all I got is myself. But I'm not going to let the situation controls me. I choose how to make my bed with every action and every decision.
It's like an instant karma. It is my bed and I am going to lie in it. Everything I do will dictate whether my life is going to run happily or badly. And whatever I do and how I do it will come back to me in spades.
However rushed and fraught I am, I'm making a promise to myself that I should always make the effort to do the right thing and remember good manners. At least I want to try because they cost nothing and yet can generate goodwill and make everyone's life (including mine) much better and pleasant. A simple thank you, a little politeness and being hospitable go a long long way.
We all lead increasingly busy, frantic lives. We all get caught up in chaotic lives to such extent that we lose sight of where we were going and what we were going to achieve. It's time to take a little break, look back, touch base and move on.
A man with an impressive name, Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi said, 'The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles.'
I can vouch that what he said is true. Now it's my turn to listen.
Friday, 14 April 2006
kwik fit
These last few days, I sakit pinggang. If at KL, sure I zoom to zen soul for their heavenly massage. Oh how I miss the city and the good people. Sigh.
Semalam my friend came back happy. She met Colin Firth. Gila best! She even served him. Waahhhhhhh... Why I tak jumpa famous people this year ek? Bad luck ke apa..
Semalam my friend came back happy. She met Colin Firth. Gila best! She even served him. Waahhhhhhh... Why I tak jumpa famous people this year ek? Bad luck ke apa..
Sunday, 9 April 2006
bodoh..
Americans are Idiot! Ade ke patut they voted Mandisa out...
tak puas hati siot! this can't be right. telinga they all tersumbat ke apa? Cissss..
tak puas hati siot! this can't be right. telinga they all tersumbat ke apa? Cissss..
Friday, 7 April 2006
of mirror image
It's very tiring driving around the country in the heat. Yes, it's getting very warm in the last few days. In fact, just being in the flat makes me feel like I am in Africa. It doesn't help that the rest of the occupants actually like the warmth. I would love to sleep in the nude, but since it's not possible, I resort to opening the door at night.
On Tuesday, I was in Whitby Abbey near Scarborough and spent the night in Peterlee. The next day, I was sent running around in Yorkshire meeting a few people. I was about to drive to Nottingham when I got a call from The Mentor telling me to go home because the office has messed up thing.
Ah well. I was quite happy to go home.
Yesterday, I met The Mentor at the office, discussing about our events for this season. Starting from next weekend until the end of August, I will be working almost every weekend. It's too bad that even on my birthday I have to work. Sigh.
Last night, after I left the office, she rang me and asked to stop at services for dinner with her. It has been awhile since I last had a long chat so I agreed to it. I kinda miss talking to her. She can really boost my spirit. Not many people can have a good relationship with their boss, but to me, she is also a friend.
Sometimes I think that she is the older version of me. She led a double lives, trying to fit herself in two worlds. But on the other hand, she doesn't give a damn about what people think, and she believes that one should have the freedom to do as what one pleases. That's what I like about her and I guess that's why we bonded.
It's quite spooky knowing people who actually echo my path. I have spoken to her about what she's been through and there were times I felt like we were of mirror image in terms of our experience, except she didn't have the freedom that I have. And it's even spookier (ada ke word ni) when I see someone younger trailling behind, taking almost the same path that I took.
Many a times I thought about the life and the people back home. Somehow, it's affecting the choices I have, making life more confusing. Will I be able to fit into the life I think I want to have?
Mary J. Blige, in an interview at Radio 1, said 'Life is not about holding yourself in a storm, but running around in the rain'.
On Tuesday, I was in Whitby Abbey near Scarborough and spent the night in Peterlee. The next day, I was sent running around in Yorkshire meeting a few people. I was about to drive to Nottingham when I got a call from The Mentor telling me to go home because the office has messed up thing.
Ah well. I was quite happy to go home.
Yesterday, I met The Mentor at the office, discussing about our events for this season. Starting from next weekend until the end of August, I will be working almost every weekend. It's too bad that even on my birthday I have to work. Sigh.
Last night, after I left the office, she rang me and asked to stop at services for dinner with her. It has been awhile since I last had a long chat so I agreed to it. I kinda miss talking to her. She can really boost my spirit. Not many people can have a good relationship with their boss, but to me, she is also a friend.
Sometimes I think that she is the older version of me. She led a double lives, trying to fit herself in two worlds. But on the other hand, she doesn't give a damn about what people think, and she believes that one should have the freedom to do as what one pleases. That's what I like about her and I guess that's why we bonded.
It's quite spooky knowing people who actually echo my path. I have spoken to her about what she's been through and there were times I felt like we were of mirror image in terms of our experience, except she didn't have the freedom that I have. And it's even spookier (ada ke word ni) when I see someone younger trailling behind, taking almost the same path that I took.
Many a times I thought about the life and the people back home. Somehow, it's affecting the choices I have, making life more confusing. Will I be able to fit into the life I think I want to have?
Mary J. Blige, in an interview at Radio 1, said 'Life is not about holding yourself in a storm, but running around in the rain'.
Sunday, 2 April 2006
of super duper and food
She has been in the limelight for quite some time. Fighting for her own cause, defending her beloved. I guess behind a fallen man, stood a woman.
I have never been interested in politics, unlike my parents who were pro gomen. Even my sister, at one point, was a ketua wanita before she became a rebel. No sire, not me. I know how to fight and I know how to work hard, but I dunno how to kiss arse. So, there goes my political career down the drain.
When one man came to town for an annual lecture, I figured I'd just go to hear what he has to say. Who knows whether he actually changed? The hard years he spent in the prison was actually showing on his face. Old age is catching up quite fast. He looks tired, and lack sparks. While he was on stage, I, on the other hand, started to stare blankly into the space. And just like me, some people began daydreaming and ogling one cute guy (one reason to stay put) :)
The only thing that pulled me back to reality was the news that his wife is my super super duper senior at SNC. Oh wow! I didn't know that. Where have I been all this time when she started her political career?
I made a promise there and then, one way or the other, I will introduce myself or get someone to introduce me as her junior. Hey, no harms what. I am no one's crony. Once that was done and out of the way, it was time for feasting.
Give me just about anything and I would clean up the plates. So, we all headed down to the ever faithful old dutch for pancakes again. I especially recommend the creamy spinach & cheese, banana with choc sauce & ice cream, and err... all lah! abis citer.
---
It's like having fresh pair of eyes and adding new adventures to a boring routine. Imagine after all these years of not having a melayu speaking friend in London, I was suddenly being bombarded with a few. Not entirely bad though. It feels like home a little.
I admit that I have been avoiding any kind of interaction because, if you really want to know, melayus here are sombong. Ok, maybe not all and they are prolly not sombong, it's just that they won't tegur you or they act as if they are not interested to know you. The ones I met the first year I was here and in Manchester confirmed my 'accusation' and strengthen my principle to avoid these people. They are so much different from the friendly malaysians in the States.
This last few weeks, however, I speak melayu everyday and makan at mawar twice a week. Ahakss... old age is catching up on me too! But one fact remains true, you won't see me mingling with snobs or smile to that rude waitress. Get a life, kiddo!
Oh! I suddenly remember that my roommate said I am not a kampong girl. Aiyaa... I seriously can't remember what we were talking about but I would like to stress that I am still one. Betul, tak tipu lah.
I don't think that just because I live here, all that will change. And the fact that I started to feel a deep love for London doesn't change that either. On the contrary, the longing for everything malaysian is getting bigger than ever.
I have never been interested in politics, unlike my parents who were pro gomen. Even my sister, at one point, was a ketua wanita before she became a rebel. No sire, not me. I know how to fight and I know how to work hard, but I dunno how to kiss arse. So, there goes my political career down the drain.
When one man came to town for an annual lecture, I figured I'd just go to hear what he has to say. Who knows whether he actually changed? The hard years he spent in the prison was actually showing on his face. Old age is catching up quite fast. He looks tired, and lack sparks. While he was on stage, I, on the other hand, started to stare blankly into the space. And just like me, some people began daydreaming and ogling one cute guy (one reason to stay put) :)
The only thing that pulled me back to reality was the news that his wife is my super super duper senior at SNC. Oh wow! I didn't know that. Where have I been all this time when she started her political career?
I made a promise there and then, one way or the other, I will introduce myself or get someone to introduce me as her junior. Hey, no harms what. I am no one's crony. Once that was done and out of the way, it was time for feasting.
Give me just about anything and I would clean up the plates. So, we all headed down to the ever faithful old dutch for pancakes again. I especially recommend the creamy spinach & cheese, banana with choc sauce & ice cream, and err... all lah! abis citer.
---
It's like having fresh pair of eyes and adding new adventures to a boring routine. Imagine after all these years of not having a melayu speaking friend in London, I was suddenly being bombarded with a few. Not entirely bad though. It feels like home a little.
I admit that I have been avoiding any kind of interaction because, if you really want to know, melayus here are sombong. Ok, maybe not all and they are prolly not sombong, it's just that they won't tegur you or they act as if they are not interested to know you. The ones I met the first year I was here and in Manchester confirmed my 'accusation' and strengthen my principle to avoid these people. They are so much different from the friendly malaysians in the States.
This last few weeks, however, I speak melayu everyday and makan at mawar twice a week. Ahakss... old age is catching up on me too! But one fact remains true, you won't see me mingling with snobs or smile to that rude waitress. Get a life, kiddo!
Oh! I suddenly remember that my roommate said I am not a kampong girl. Aiyaa... I seriously can't remember what we were talking about but I would like to stress that I am still one. Betul, tak tipu lah.I don't think that just because I live here, all that will change. And the fact that I started to feel a deep love for London doesn't change that either. On the contrary, the longing for everything malaysian is getting bigger than ever.
Monday, 27 March 2006
sunday outing
Pehal lak haloscan buat hal ni? Essshh... tak kuasa!
---
In my attempt to lose weight, semalam I went jalan2 again in the centre with one minah arab ni. (she's well in case her friends are wondering. oh except dia ni tak mau makan la)
Well, I found out that the science museum is having an exhibition of Iceland, so I thought it's probably good to go and see. I always whine about London being cold, so if I go and compare how much colder Iceland is, I can stop whining.
Once we got there, the security asked to check my bag. Errr... hello? I was with an arab girl, and you checked my bag not hers? Cehh! Muka I muka terrorist ke? And minah ni siap buat lawak pulak saying that it's obvious they won't find bomb in her bag, so they would check the accomplice. Hhehehe... very funny, girl.
At the entrance hall of the exhibition, I was blown away by one of the most breathtaking pictures I have ever seen. I was feeling exactly like what I felt on the bridge on Friday.
It is quite informative but too little stuff. The demo guy did say that Iceland actually sits on 5 err.. volcanoes?(tak berapa ingat what he said) thus making the water around the country warm all year round.
Ah well, there goes my chance to compare. Nothing beats London. I can still whine about it being too cold.
After that we went towards Piccadilly Circus, and later stopped at Covent Garden for tea and scones. Kekonon nak ajar budak arab ni makan scone macam orang Inggeris. Ahaksss.
So much so for losing weight, I walloped all the jam and cream. Aiyaaaa. First I finished mine, then I got hers as well. The girl behind the counter didn't give enough la.
We stopped to watch street theatre for a while before heading back. Aaahhh... sedapnya dapat duduk in tube. Penat arrrr.
---
In my attempt to lose weight, semalam I went jalan2 again in the centre with one minah arab ni. (she's well in case her friends are wondering. oh except dia ni tak mau makan la)
Well, I found out that the science museum is having an exhibition of Iceland, so I thought it's probably good to go and see. I always whine about London being cold, so if I go and compare how much colder Iceland is, I can stop whining.
Once we got there, the security asked to check my bag. Errr... hello? I was with an arab girl, and you checked my bag not hers? Cehh! Muka I muka terrorist ke? And minah ni siap buat lawak pulak saying that it's obvious they won't find bomb in her bag, so they would check the accomplice. Hhehehe... very funny, girl.
At the entrance hall of the exhibition, I was blown away by one of the most breathtaking pictures I have ever seen. I was feeling exactly like what I felt on the bridge on Friday.
It is quite informative but too little stuff. The demo guy did say that Iceland actually sits on 5 err.. volcanoes?(tak berapa ingat what he said) thus making the water around the country warm all year round.
Ah well, there goes my chance to compare. Nothing beats London. I can still whine about it being too cold.
After that we went towards Piccadilly Circus, and later stopped at Covent Garden for tea and scones. Kekonon nak ajar budak arab ni makan scone macam orang Inggeris. Ahaksss.
So much so for losing weight, I walloped all the jam and cream. Aiyaaaa. First I finished mine, then I got hers as well. The girl behind the counter didn't give enough la.
We stopped to watch street theatre for a while before heading back. Aaahhh... sedapnya dapat duduk in tube. Penat arrrr.
Saturday, 25 March 2006
playing tourist guide
After a stressful mid week, and a bad back after my red haired cousin came to visit, having an afternoon off on Friday was much welcomed.
Off I went to the central, playing a tourist guide to a friend. The best way to see London is on foot, only then you can see everything, get lost and later find your way around. I think I was being a very bad guide. Tak pandai... hehe.
We met another friend and went to see Jimmy Choo's picture at the National Portrait Gallery, then had excellent 2 pieces of pancakes at My Old Dutch. Pancakes with chocolate sauce, what more can one ask?
After all that devilish pancakes, I know I had to burn all that calories. We sent a friend off for her to take the tube to go to her birthday dinner at the Holiday Villa.
From Holborn, I wasn't sure where we were heading to. The two of us just walked to wherever our feet took us. At the end of the road, I realised that we were at The Strand. So, I said that we should cross the bridge and just walk along the Thames.
It was a beautiful night. Just magnificent!
I wonder with all that views and solitude, how a person could give up this city. When we stopped at the bridge and looked across at the Big Ben and London Eye, I felt like I was destined to be here. Like no one could ever take this away from me (except myself). Though it was cold with the wind hitting my face, it was very peaceful and soothing to the soul. I could stand there for hours and just... enjoy.
We went walking towards the buck palace, passing St. James' Park. Unfortunately, the Queen wasn't home to invite us for a bowl of mee curry so we head down to Hyde Park instead. I spotted a few chaps skating and I suddenly remembered that it was Friday Night Skate. Usually, on a friday night, hundreds of Londoners go ballistic with skating. I thought we could sit around and watch them but I was disappointed when one of them told us that it was cancelled due to the wet weather.
Finally we decided to cut across Hyde Park and walk to Mawar for our teh tariks. It was quite a long cut, I tell ya. Berpeluh sakan. Got there in less than 30 minutes, but it was packed with Msians. It could be either because it was a friday nite or they just got their wages. Ahakss.
So, no teh tarik for us and we ended up at Deep Pan Pizza instead. So bloody tired after all that walk, but it was a damn good one. I had to find out how far we had walked, so I googled journey planner. I can't believe it was almost 10 kms. It was like walking from Alor Setar to home. Weeehoooo... I got a new record for walking!
Off I went to the central, playing a tourist guide to a friend. The best way to see London is on foot, only then you can see everything, get lost and later find your way around. I think I was being a very bad guide. Tak pandai... hehe.
We met another friend and went to see Jimmy Choo's picture at the National Portrait Gallery, then had excellent 2 pieces of pancakes at My Old Dutch. Pancakes with chocolate sauce, what more can one ask?After all that devilish pancakes, I know I had to burn all that calories. We sent a friend off for her to take the tube to go to her birthday dinner at the Holiday Villa.
From Holborn, I wasn't sure where we were heading to. The two of us just walked to wherever our feet took us. At the end of the road, I realised that we were at The Strand. So, I said that we should cross the bridge and just walk along the Thames.
It was a beautiful night. Just magnificent!
I wonder with all that views and solitude, how a person could give up this city. When we stopped at the bridge and looked across at the Big Ben and London Eye, I felt like I was destined to be here. Like no one could ever take this away from me (except myself). Though it was cold with the wind hitting my face, it was very peaceful and soothing to the soul. I could stand there for hours and just... enjoy.
We went walking towards the buck palace, passing St. James' Park. Unfortunately, the Queen wasn't home to invite us for a bowl of mee curry so we head down to Hyde Park instead. I spotted a few chaps skating and I suddenly remembered that it was Friday Night Skate. Usually, on a friday night, hundreds of Londoners go ballistic with skating. I thought we could sit around and watch them but I was disappointed when one of them told us that it was cancelled due to the wet weather.
Finally we decided to cut across Hyde Park and walk to Mawar for our teh tariks. It was quite a long cut, I tell ya. Berpeluh sakan. Got there in less than 30 minutes, but it was packed with Msians. It could be either because it was a friday nite or they just got their wages. Ahakss.
So, no teh tarik for us and we ended up at Deep Pan Pizza instead. So bloody tired after all that walk, but it was a damn good one. I had to find out how far we had walked, so I googled journey planner. I can't believe it was almost 10 kms. It was like walking from Alor Setar to home. Weeehoooo... I got a new record for walking!
Thursday, 23 March 2006
a bad day
Often people tell me that they were puzzled by my ability to keep smiling all day, no matter what situation I was in. Yeah that puzzles me too. I wonder how I can be cheerful on command. And most of the times, I put on a smiley mask.
I do not like people to know that I was unhappy. I do not fancy them asking how I was coping. I'm reserved, and hate to discuss my feelings or things in my head. I do not feel the need to justify anything and I am sure they do not really want to listen. So, why bother?
When I faced dodgy situations, being grumpy won't help ease me. Lagi tension.
However, today at the office, I am so monyok. I had quite about enough with one guy. He acts as if he does all the work, talk cock and likes ordering me around.
When he saw me across the hallway, he raised his voice, 'E, tell me what we have to do with Victoria Apollo?'
we? We? WE?
Shithead! He does this to me all the time! We this. We that. Bloody hell! It was all me, ok!
me. me. me. ME.
He is loud when he's with me, showing off lah tu. Kekonon dia yang plan semua benda and macam lah we are a team. I asked him to help (I never asked for help and believe me when I ask, mesti because I kenot do it myself), instead he keeps talking nonsense, giving me suggestions la, suruh ikut cam ni lah, round and round and round. In the end, aku jugak yang buat semua bende. I felt like crying. Itu yang keluar poem bodoh tu.
Penat lah aku dengan selfish people like him.
The Mentor once said she was amazed that I always do favours to people but never asked anything in return. Tah la. That's me. Biar aku susah sendiri, senang together. Errr...
Anyway, when I leave the company at the end of this year (I plan to, hopefully), I am not going to tell them anything about my work. Let them find out and hang themselves. Let them figure out all about events, and how difficult it is to manage the vans all over the country.
Today she devised a plan for us when we leave. I was told not to leave any forms or traces of paperworks other than the important spreadsheets. Hahaaha... Biar padan muka. Bagus betul mentor aku ni.
I do not like people to know that I was unhappy. I do not fancy them asking how I was coping. I'm reserved, and hate to discuss my feelings or things in my head. I do not feel the need to justify anything and I am sure they do not really want to listen. So, why bother?
When I faced dodgy situations, being grumpy won't help ease me. Lagi tension.
However, today at the office, I am so monyok. I had quite about enough with one guy. He acts as if he does all the work, talk cock and likes ordering me around.
When he saw me across the hallway, he raised his voice, 'E, tell me what we have to do with Victoria Apollo?'
we? We? WE?
Shithead! He does this to me all the time! We this. We that. Bloody hell! It was all me, ok!
me. me. me. ME.
He is loud when he's with me, showing off lah tu. Kekonon dia yang plan semua benda and macam lah we are a team. I asked him to help (I never asked for help and believe me when I ask, mesti because I kenot do it myself), instead he keeps talking nonsense, giving me suggestions la, suruh ikut cam ni lah, round and round and round. In the end, aku jugak yang buat semua bende. I felt like crying. Itu yang keluar poem bodoh tu.
Penat lah aku dengan selfish people like him.
The Mentor once said she was amazed that I always do favours to people but never asked anything in return. Tah la. That's me. Biar aku susah sendiri, senang together. Errr...
Anyway, when I leave the company at the end of this year (I plan to, hopefully), I am not going to tell them anything about my work. Let them find out and hang themselves. Let them figure out all about events, and how difficult it is to manage the vans all over the country.
Today she devised a plan for us when we leave. I was told not to leave any forms or traces of paperworks other than the important spreadsheets. Hahaaha... Biar padan muka. Bagus betul mentor aku ni.
If I die tomorrow
If I die tomorrow,
allow me to say I love you always,
permit me to see last bit of sunshine,
let me know that you care, today.
Forgive me if you see my dirty side,
remember me for my heart,
give me a butterfly kiss for me to keep.
Please bring lilies to my funeral,
bring your own mug for a cuppa,
don't forget to bring a smile,
for I have lived and known you.
If I die tomorrow.
allow me to say I love you always,
permit me to see last bit of sunshine,
let me know that you care, today.
Forgive me if you see my dirty side,
remember me for my heart,
give me a butterfly kiss for me to keep.
Please bring lilies to my funeral,
bring your own mug for a cuppa,
don't forget to bring a smile,
for I have lived and known you.
If I die tomorrow.
Wednesday, 22 March 2006
pay me back asap!
I have been very patient. I told Marc that I was going to send a bitchy email to her, but this is all I can came up with. Why can't I be nasty to people? Sigh. I'm too soft.
Dear M & L,
I hope you are ok. I know this is going to sound harsh because you're expecting a baby, but I haven't heard from you regarding the payment that you said you were going to bank in early this month. It has been almost 3 months since I came back and I haven't received a single penny. The total you owe me is £xxx. I have been very patient, but you know what? Just like you, I have to live and eat too plus all the expenses I have to pay. I am broke.
If I were a bank or debt collector, you would have find the money to pay me back fast. I can't wait anymore.
Please pay ASAP.
Bank in money into my account here.
HSBC Bank
Account name is: Miss S R B R
Account no: xxxxxxxx
Sort code: xx-xx-xx
Branch: S
Dear M & L,
I hope you are ok. I know this is going to sound harsh because you're expecting a baby, but I haven't heard from you regarding the payment that you said you were going to bank in early this month. It has been almost 3 months since I came back and I haven't received a single penny. The total you owe me is £xxx. I have been very patient, but you know what? Just like you, I have to live and eat too plus all the expenses I have to pay. I am broke.
If I were a bank or debt collector, you would have find the money to pay me back fast. I can't wait anymore.
Please pay ASAP.
Bank in money into my account here.
HSBC Bank
Account name is: Miss S R B R
Account no: xxxxxxxx
Sort code: xx-xx-xx
Branch: S
Tuesday, 21 March 2006
nuts!
On Friday, a friend of mine went back home after spending 3 months in the UK. He misses kids and wife. He's a good man.
We had a little chat the night before he left. I told him that I'm quite bored living here and he said maybe it's time for me to find a partner.
Huh??
I tell you what, mate. I'm giving up hope and I don't really care anymore if I have a partner or not for two reasons.
One, I have a commitment phobia after observing other relationships that didn't work, including the ones in the family. Two, Malay men do not want someone like me. They are scared of independent women because all in all they just want to be dominant, and with us they can't.
CJ's brother admitted to me when we were drinking our teh tariks not too long ago. He doesn't want a woman like his sister. He said she is too opinionated and too much to handle.
That got my blood boiling. Why do you want to handle us, you bloody nutter!? And don't you start talking about IFL. If I can blow up the rest of the psychomen, I would!
We had a little chat the night before he left. I told him that I'm quite bored living here and he said maybe it's time for me to find a partner.
Huh??
I tell you what, mate. I'm giving up hope and I don't really care anymore if I have a partner or not for two reasons.
One, I have a commitment phobia after observing other relationships that didn't work, including the ones in the family. Two, Malay men do not want someone like me. They are scared of independent women because all in all they just want to be dominant, and with us they can't.
CJ's brother admitted to me when we were drinking our teh tariks not too long ago. He doesn't want a woman like his sister. He said she is too opinionated and too much to handle.
That got my blood boiling. Why do you want to handle us, you bloody nutter!? And don't you start talking about IFL. If I can blow up the rest of the psychomen, I would!
Monday, 20 March 2006
my wasted free time
For the last few weeks, I'm enjoying quite a number of tv shows.
1) American Idol - Chris and Mendisa have great voice!
2) Shipwrecked 2006- I know it looks kinda stupid, but hey, I just wanna relax my mind and not do any thing. Besides, the 2 tribes are quite entertaining albeit they hardly do any challenges like Survivor.
3) The Apprentice - I just love the way Sir Alan Sugar say, 'you're bloody nutter!' And Jo is so funny to watch and Syed is a cheeky one. Jo is quite emotional and transparent just like a colleague of mine. She cries easily in the office and walks around without shoes.
4) Planet Earth - you can't miss this as it has some of the most beautiful shots and locations in the world. Places that we could never ever dream of going. Breathtaking! Am watching piranhas now!
5) CSI - Ahh... Grissom.
1) American Idol - Chris and Mendisa have great voice!
2) Shipwrecked 2006- I know it looks kinda stupid, but hey, I just wanna relax my mind and not do any thing. Besides, the 2 tribes are quite entertaining albeit they hardly do any challenges like Survivor.
3) The Apprentice - I just love the way Sir Alan Sugar say, 'you're bloody nutter!' And Jo is so funny to watch and Syed is a cheeky one. Jo is quite emotional and transparent just like a colleague of mine. She cries easily in the office and walks around without shoes.
4) Planet Earth - you can't miss this as it has some of the most beautiful shots and locations in the world. Places that we could never ever dream of going. Breathtaking! Am watching piranhas now!
5) CSI - Ahh... Grissom.
Sunday, 19 March 2006
the show must go on
Today, supposedly, is the last day I can stay in this country. It was stamped in my passport. However, since my passport is with the Home Office, I can't seem to go anywhere.
I received a message from a friend asking me to take them around to Rome and Venice for a few days. I would love to, if I can, but as it is, I can't. Then I received a wedding invitation ( another one), and what do you know? It's in Poland and I can't go.
I dunno what's with these Poles lately. Many of them at the factory are getting hitched and since basically I was resposible for bringing them over here, I was invited to every single wedding. I wish I can go. I heard that their weddings go on for 3 days of partying and drinking non-stop. There's another wedding in Sept., which I don't think I can go (again!) because I'd be busy with events. Sigh.
It sucks!
I used to like doing events, especially when I get to go to old castles and medieval festivals. It's quite interesting the first time, but it gets bored as they're always the same. Nothing changes.
The most memorable event I had done is the Bristol Balloon Festival 3 years ago. It was the craziest and the busiest event ever, and the truth was I could not do another like it. It was the most tiring of them all. Over 4 days, they had free concert in the park and I think we had over 12 vans and trailers.
Gaz, my old boss, was on his feet all day and night long, and the runners had to keep restocking all vans every 30 minutes. And since the park was full with people sitting everywhere, there was no way they could get through easily.
On the first morning, when the boss parked all vans (some in the middle of empty park) I thought to myself, who the heck is going to buy? By mid-morning, I had my answer. We were so fucking busy and didn't even have time to go to the loo. Basically, we were opened from 9am till 11pm. Even after we were closed, a few of us (me included) had to replenish every van and that took a few more hours to finish.
On the third day, I was asked to get some more stocks from a local distributor. Considering it was on a Saturday, and no one here work on that day, I had to go through hell to find one. Gila!
By the end of the last day, Gaz, Jim and Andrew had blisters on their feet from too much walking and carrying stocks all over the place. All of us were dead tired as we had just a few hours of sleep everyday.
I wondered whether it was worth all the efforts, but when I heard the boss raked up more than 90K in that 4 days, it was definitely worth it for him, though he said he would never bid for that kind of event again. Memang gila!
As for me, I'm just quite happy to handle small events. The most I had is just 4 vans and it had me going crazy because I had no support from the office. I'm all one woman show!
I received a message from a friend asking me to take them around to Rome and Venice for a few days. I would love to, if I can, but as it is, I can't. Then I received a wedding invitation ( another one), and what do you know? It's in Poland and I can't go.
I dunno what's with these Poles lately. Many of them at the factory are getting hitched and since basically I was resposible for bringing them over here, I was invited to every single wedding. I wish I can go. I heard that their weddings go on for 3 days of partying and drinking non-stop. There's another wedding in Sept., which I don't think I can go (again!) because I'd be busy with events. Sigh.
It sucks!
I used to like doing events, especially when I get to go to old castles and medieval festivals. It's quite interesting the first time, but it gets bored as they're always the same. Nothing changes.
The most memorable event I had done is the Bristol Balloon Festival 3 years ago. It was the craziest and the busiest event ever, and the truth was I could not do another like it. It was the most tiring of them all. Over 4 days, they had free concert in the park and I think we had over 12 vans and trailers.
Gaz, my old boss, was on his feet all day and night long, and the runners had to keep restocking all vans every 30 minutes. And since the park was full with people sitting everywhere, there was no way they could get through easily.
On the first morning, when the boss parked all vans (some in the middle of empty park) I thought to myself, who the heck is going to buy? By mid-morning, I had my answer. We were so fucking busy and didn't even have time to go to the loo. Basically, we were opened from 9am till 11pm. Even after we were closed, a few of us (me included) had to replenish every van and that took a few more hours to finish.
On the third day, I was asked to get some more stocks from a local distributor. Considering it was on a Saturday, and no one here work on that day, I had to go through hell to find one. Gila!
By the end of the last day, Gaz, Jim and Andrew had blisters on their feet from too much walking and carrying stocks all over the place. All of us were dead tired as we had just a few hours of sleep everyday.
I wondered whether it was worth all the efforts, but when I heard the boss raked up more than 90K in that 4 days, it was definitely worth it for him, though he said he would never bid for that kind of event again. Memang gila!
As for me, I'm just quite happy to handle small events. The most I had is just 4 vans and it had me going crazy because I had no support from the office. I'm all one woman show!
Saturday, 18 March 2006
Leech
She saw them swimming. All three of them. Naked. Maybe there were a few more nearby but she didn't want to know about the rest. She was only interested in them.
She stood on the steps and looked at them with a smile on her face. They looked happy and carefree like the world belongs to them. When they emerged from under the water, their dark skins glistening from the heat of the sun.
From where she can see them, she figured they were still young. They still have so much to learn. There’s no denying that they are not too big in size either. Given time, they would make up on that. Yet, she was fascinated by the way they swim.
They looked like they were actually dancing in the water. They glided effortlessly and moved gracefully. When they came up for some air, it was as if they were kissing each other’s cheeks. When they sensed that someone was looking, they dived underneath. As if they were shy and embarrassed that she saw a private moment.
She wanted to know what they were thinking. Or what it was like to be them. Yet, when she yelled the questions, they pretended they didn’t hear her. They turned their backs and swam further.
She had to stop them. She wasn’t ready for them to leave and she knew she had to do something about it so she put one foot in the murky water. Enticing them with what she has. She has learnt of thing they like most so she used that knowledge to get them to come to her.
They didn’t hear her, but they felt her stirring the water. They sensed her need and they got a whiff of her smell and her blood.
They knew she was teasing them. They knew that the moment they reached her, she would pull her foot out of the water, but they cannot help but swimming closer.
She was that kind of a woman. A teaser. One who would do anything just so she could get her way. One who would give a sultry glance and flaunt her beauty. The gestures had come naturally. Perhaps, in her past life, she had been a bit of a temptress. She liked the idea. It felt just about right. Their personalities were so strong that she needed something to help keep them in line.
Yet, she wasn’t solely to blame.
They were part of this game. This was how they were brought up. If they were happy, they would not go looking for excitement out of their boundaries. The truth was that they were hungry for more. Common things at home were no longer exciting for them. They want a red blooded one.
She was still there.
They wanted to kiss her feet, rub her knees and move up to her thighs. When they find the right moment, they would sink their little fangs into her flesh.
She would not even scream.
12 Dec 2003
She stood on the steps and looked at them with a smile on her face. They looked happy and carefree like the world belongs to them. When they emerged from under the water, their dark skins glistening from the heat of the sun.
From where she can see them, she figured they were still young. They still have so much to learn. There’s no denying that they are not too big in size either. Given time, they would make up on that. Yet, she was fascinated by the way they swim.
They looked like they were actually dancing in the water. They glided effortlessly and moved gracefully. When they came up for some air, it was as if they were kissing each other’s cheeks. When they sensed that someone was looking, they dived underneath. As if they were shy and embarrassed that she saw a private moment.
She wanted to know what they were thinking. Or what it was like to be them. Yet, when she yelled the questions, they pretended they didn’t hear her. They turned their backs and swam further.
She had to stop them. She wasn’t ready for them to leave and she knew she had to do something about it so she put one foot in the murky water. Enticing them with what she has. She has learnt of thing they like most so she used that knowledge to get them to come to her.
They didn’t hear her, but they felt her stirring the water. They sensed her need and they got a whiff of her smell and her blood.
They knew she was teasing them. They knew that the moment they reached her, she would pull her foot out of the water, but they cannot help but swimming closer.
She was that kind of a woman. A teaser. One who would do anything just so she could get her way. One who would give a sultry glance and flaunt her beauty. The gestures had come naturally. Perhaps, in her past life, she had been a bit of a temptress. She liked the idea. It felt just about right. Their personalities were so strong that she needed something to help keep them in line.
Yet, she wasn’t solely to blame.
They were part of this game. This was how they were brought up. If they were happy, they would not go looking for excitement out of their boundaries. The truth was that they were hungry for more. Common things at home were no longer exciting for them. They want a red blooded one.
She was still there.
They wanted to kiss her feet, rub her knees and move up to her thighs. When they find the right moment, they would sink their little fangs into her flesh.
She would not even scream.
12 Dec 2003
Thursday, 16 March 2006
of things
The weather is so unpredictable. On Monday, I was caught in a storm in Manchester. Then today, as I was driving back from Newport, it was heavy rain all the way but when I got to Chelsea, the sun was out and smilling at all of us.
I had a quiet but an ok time walking in town. Been in and out of every Boots, Superdrug, Debenhams etc etc, looking for stuffs for friends.
Some jumpa, some tak jumpa and since I don't have enough time (they need to be in hand by tomorrow), I am sorry to disappoint you if you don't get what you asked for.
It's been a long and weird week. Up and down all over the country. Since Jan it's been quiet but everything is picking up and all geared for Easter. I'm quite pleased that my time is filled up to the neck, yet, there's still unclear air about me.
I don't think there's enough appeal anymore for me to stick with this job. I keep thinking about moving on for some times, but I'm not sure I can leave.
To be honest, I'm scared of new environment, new people and new place.
I am tired of not talking.
I am tired of thinking.
I am tired of not doing.
I am just tired. Period.
I had a quiet but an ok time walking in town. Been in and out of every Boots, Superdrug, Debenhams etc etc, looking for stuffs for friends.
Some jumpa, some tak jumpa and since I don't have enough time (they need to be in hand by tomorrow), I am sorry to disappoint you if you don't get what you asked for.
It's been a long and weird week. Up and down all over the country. Since Jan it's been quiet but everything is picking up and all geared for Easter. I'm quite pleased that my time is filled up to the neck, yet, there's still unclear air about me.
I don't think there's enough appeal anymore for me to stick with this job. I keep thinking about moving on for some times, but I'm not sure I can leave.
To be honest, I'm scared of new environment, new people and new place.
I am tired of not talking.
I am tired of thinking.
I am tired of not doing.
I am just tired. Period.
Tuesday, 14 March 2006
is this life?
Some people seem to be just good at life. They glide effortlessly onwards and upwards, always know the right things to say and do, in every situation.
They are happy (for most part) and they know how to roll with life's punches. They have time for everybody and always seem to know what's important (and how to deal with what's not).
Though they are not many of these people, but most generally live happier and fulfilled lives.
Is there something they know and do that I don't? Is it something I could learn?
I often wonder whether this is the end of the road for me. Would I ever be destined to greatness? Was I going to be a spectator only?
Sometimes I think this is all I can have. I know I don't ask a lot, but it seems like 'a lot' is translated as nothing at all. How much more can a person push to get what one wants, only to get disappointed over and over again?
They are happy (for most part) and they know how to roll with life's punches. They have time for everybody and always seem to know what's important (and how to deal with what's not).
Though they are not many of these people, but most generally live happier and fulfilled lives.
Is there something they know and do that I don't? Is it something I could learn?
I often wonder whether this is the end of the road for me. Would I ever be destined to greatness? Was I going to be a spectator only?
Sometimes I think this is all I can have. I know I don't ask a lot, but it seems like 'a lot' is translated as nothing at all. How much more can a person push to get what one wants, only to get disappointed over and over again?
Monday, 13 March 2006
a world without men
There seems to be a trend. One of a kind. The extinction of men.
Are the male species really in danger of extinction? The average person might laugh at this ridiculous suggestion. Aren't men at the top of the world in politics and business? Don't they run the world? In the past, this was true, but not now. And you know what, a number of serious scientists believe that we may be facing the most significant extinction, the end of men.
Oh wow!
1. Siegfried Meryn, M.D. - Women can perform (and on most occasions outperform) pretty much all the tasks traditionally reserved for men.
2. Devra Davis - Serious decline in male reproductive viability that seems to be caused by our destruction of the environment.
3. Dr. Bryan Sykes - Y chromosome is suffering from increasing decay which is affecting fertility. He estimates that guys have another 125,000 years. (ah well, not soon enough, eh?)
4. Dr. Gerald Lincoln - Men are experiencing Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS). Men deny they have problems because they are supposed to "be strong." I believe men often express depression through irritability, anger, alcohol, and acting out. (which in the end irritates women to no end)
Do we really need men? For all the heartaches and lousy relationships, (does it matter whether the women are nice or nasty?), men are still losing out on both fronts.
Are the male species really in danger of extinction? The average person might laugh at this ridiculous suggestion. Aren't men at the top of the world in politics and business? Don't they run the world? In the past, this was true, but not now. And you know what, a number of serious scientists believe that we may be facing the most significant extinction, the end of men.
Oh wow!
1. Siegfried Meryn, M.D. - Women can perform (and on most occasions outperform) pretty much all the tasks traditionally reserved for men.
2. Devra Davis - Serious decline in male reproductive viability that seems to be caused by our destruction of the environment.
3. Dr. Bryan Sykes - Y chromosome is suffering from increasing decay which is affecting fertility. He estimates that guys have another 125,000 years. (ah well, not soon enough, eh?)
4. Dr. Gerald Lincoln - Men are experiencing Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS). Men deny they have problems because they are supposed to "be strong." I believe men often express depression through irritability, anger, alcohol, and acting out. (which in the end irritates women to no end)
Do we really need men? For all the heartaches and lousy relationships, (does it matter whether the women are nice or nasty?), men are still losing out on both fronts.
mimpi yang sempurna
Mungkinkah bila ku bertanya pada bintang-bintang dan bila ku mulai merasa bahasa kesunyian sedarkah aku yang berjalan dalam kehampaan terdiam, terpana, terbata
Semua dalam keraguan, aku dan semua yang terluka kerana kita, aku kan menghilang dalam pekat malam
Lepas ku melayang biarlah ku bertanya pada bintang-bintang tentang arti kita dalam mimpi yang sempurna…
PP
Semua dalam keraguan, aku dan semua yang terluka kerana kita, aku kan menghilang dalam pekat malam
Lepas ku melayang biarlah ku bertanya pada bintang-bintang tentang arti kita dalam mimpi yang sempurna…
PP
Sunday, 12 March 2006
In his arms
Hahaha... did I get your attention?
Yes... I was, in fact, in his arms. I was going to get bottled water from the vending machine for KT, and while I was counting my coins, I didn't see who was coming towards me. I walked straight into him. The stupid thing was I didn't realise it was him because I didn't look at his face, just saw his jacket. Malu kononnya. Dah jauh sikit, I glanced back and saw it was Nicholas. I missed my chance to squeeze him. Dang!
At least, we had another day ogling at him. And I can't stop looking at his lips. So very kissable. Geramnya. I know I know I'm sick, but I can dream, can't I?
Note: He said he looks more cold than cool in this pic. Well, you're still kissable, I say.
Yes... I was, in fact, in his arms. I was going to get bottled water from the vending machine for KT, and while I was counting my coins, I didn't see who was coming towards me. I walked straight into him. The stupid thing was I didn't realise it was him because I didn't look at his face, just saw his jacket. Malu kononnya. Dah jauh sikit, I glanced back and saw it was Nicholas. I missed my chance to squeeze him. Dang!
At least, we had another day ogling at him. And I can't stop looking at his lips. So very kissable. Geramnya. I know I know I'm sick, but I can dream, can't I?
Note: He said he looks more cold than cool in this pic. Well, you're still kissable, I say.
Friday, 10 March 2006
Siapa dia disisi Rangga?
Thursday, 9 March 2006
Bintang di Surga
My dear friend,
It's unfortunate that you were there in front of my firing squad. I am sorry for using you as a punching bag. I didn't mean to, and I regret that. I have never been involved in a fight or quarrel because I always walk away. I didn't know what got into me. To tell you the truth, I feel really bad after I sent you that email.
I know it sounds horrible like I'm making a judgment on your character, but I don't, really. I really care for you and appreciate what you are doing to help me. I mean, look at you, with your own problems you still have time to listen and go crazy thinking about me. I know you worry about me. Thank you for being there, and for not being mad at me for my neuroses.
Heh... it could be that I'm having midlife crisis? I just have doubts about myself and my self worth, but I promise that I will try to be positive from now on.
Please, from the bottom of my heart, accept my apologies.
I wish you were here. But since you're not, this song you'll hear is for you.
It's unfortunate that you were there in front of my firing squad. I am sorry for using you as a punching bag. I didn't mean to, and I regret that. I have never been involved in a fight or quarrel because I always walk away. I didn't know what got into me. To tell you the truth, I feel really bad after I sent you that email.
I know it sounds horrible like I'm making a judgment on your character, but I don't, really. I really care for you and appreciate what you are doing to help me. I mean, look at you, with your own problems you still have time to listen and go crazy thinking about me. I know you worry about me. Thank you for being there, and for not being mad at me for my neuroses.
Heh... it could be that I'm having midlife crisis? I just have doubts about myself and my self worth, but I promise that I will try to be positive from now on.
Please, from the bottom of my heart, accept my apologies.
I wish you were here. But since you're not, this song you'll hear is for you.
Wednesday, 8 March 2006
off the pitch!
Ronaldinho strikes!
The English fans sent Chelsea off to the Champions League with a hope that they will lose to Barcelona. And they did.
Barcelona 3 - Chelsea 2
Sorry ps, but I have to say that your team is the most hated team here. They hated Jose so much so that they wish for Chelsea's downfall. It doesn't matter even if the Blues are the only English team in the league.
Hooligans!
ManU, where are you?
The English fans sent Chelsea off to the Champions League with a hope that they will lose to Barcelona. And they did.
Barcelona 3 - Chelsea 2
Sorry ps, but I have to say that your team is the most hated team here. They hated Jose so much so that they wish for Chelsea's downfall. It doesn't matter even if the Blues are the only English team in the league.
Hooligans!
ManU, where are you?
of confession and personality split
I was going to write a confession, but I thought to myself it's too much.
There are certain things that need to be kept away from the danger blogging. Once I write them down, it won't be an easy task to swallow them back. I may be slaughtered for writing them for public viewing.
So, I'm keeping my confessions somewhere else, in another one of me. More like talking to a priest in a safe zone, and once I'm out of the box, they will not be discussed again. Or so I hope.
I have many skeletons, many weird ideas, many neurotic thoughts. And I certainly lack many many things that lead me to be uncomfortable in general. Dina said I have too much time on my own, that's why I beat myself up. I guess we are always hard on ourselves because no one else would.
I was a different person back then, now I don't know who I'm supposed to be. The person that I am now or then? Don't tell me to be myself, because then I will have to ask, who am I? And I do not have the answer.
Now, or then? Or a little bit of both. How?
There are certain things that need to be kept away from the danger blogging. Once I write them down, it won't be an easy task to swallow them back. I may be slaughtered for writing them for public viewing.
So, I'm keeping my confessions somewhere else, in another one of me. More like talking to a priest in a safe zone, and once I'm out of the box, they will not be discussed again. Or so I hope.
I have many skeletons, many weird ideas, many neurotic thoughts. And I certainly lack many many things that lead me to be uncomfortable in general. Dina said I have too much time on my own, that's why I beat myself up. I guess we are always hard on ourselves because no one else would.
I was a different person back then, now I don't know who I'm supposed to be. The person that I am now or then? Don't tell me to be myself, because then I will have to ask, who am I? And I do not have the answer.
Now, or then? Or a little bit of both. How?
You
Don't you feel sometimes the world is being so unfair to you? Like, it sets you up at a corner, forcing you to stand still, while the rest of them people continue walking past you.
The world didn't stop for you to catch up. It won't wait. If you're left behind, in a different time zone, then you have to push yourself.
You're 31 but you still think of the times when you were in your 20s. How you wish you could turn back time. How you wish you should have gone places. How you wish you could have a bigger car, bigger house and bigger pockets. How you wish you could have done this instead of that. How you wish things were easy for you. How you wish you could ease into conversations and be more extrovert and friendly.
You have diseases we called regret and envy. Curable only if you put your mind to it. If being envious makes you stronger and work harder, by all mean, go for it. It's only when it deters you from doing something worthwhile, you should let it go. It's destructive.
It will destroy the friendship you built and the people you love. It's unhealthy. You are a gone case.
So the world is being unfair, life is not fair either, but are you being fair to yourself? Give yourself a chance. You have so much going for you. You just lack confidence. Cry if you want to, but baby, look at your life differently.
You are courageous when others won't even leave their nests.
You are kind in a crazy world where people backstab each other.
You are fascinating while some are just vain and plain dull.
You have life experiences when others have money.
You smile when others frown.
You love when other people have hatred.
You care when others are busy being selfish.
Does it matter what people think of you? Well, maybe a little, but hey, this is who you are. You may not be beautiful or smart, but you've been given all these great qualities to be proud of. Let's be brave and face this.
You matter, darling, you matter.
The world didn't stop for you to catch up. It won't wait. If you're left behind, in a different time zone, then you have to push yourself.
You're 31 but you still think of the times when you were in your 20s. How you wish you could turn back time. How you wish you should have gone places. How you wish you could have a bigger car, bigger house and bigger pockets. How you wish you could have done this instead of that. How you wish things were easy for you. How you wish you could ease into conversations and be more extrovert and friendly.
You have diseases we called regret and envy. Curable only if you put your mind to it. If being envious makes you stronger and work harder, by all mean, go for it. It's only when it deters you from doing something worthwhile, you should let it go. It's destructive.
It will destroy the friendship you built and the people you love. It's unhealthy. You are a gone case.
So the world is being unfair, life is not fair either, but are you being fair to yourself? Give yourself a chance. You have so much going for you. You just lack confidence. Cry if you want to, but baby, look at your life differently.
You are courageous when others won't even leave their nests.
You are kind in a crazy world where people backstab each other.
You are fascinating while some are just vain and plain dull.
You have life experiences when others have money.
You smile when others frown.
You love when other people have hatred.
You care when others are busy being selfish.
Does it matter what people think of you? Well, maybe a little, but hey, this is who you are. You may not be beautiful or smart, but you've been given all these great qualities to be proud of. Let's be brave and face this.
You matter, darling, you matter.
Sunday, 5 March 2006
sejuukknye...
Isabeeellaaaa aaadaaalah kisah cinta duaaa duniaaaaa
mengapaa kita berjumpaaa
namun akhirrnyaaa terpisahhh...
bla bla bla...
blaaaaa
Diaaaaaaaaaa Isabellaaaaaa..
lambang cintaaaaa yang laraaaaa
terpiiiiisah keranaa
adat yannngggg berbezaaaaa
Cinta guuuuugur bersamaaaaaa
daun-daunnnn kekeringaaan
haluann hidupkuu
terpisah dengannn Isabella
kini aku terpaksaaa
demi cintakuu Isabellaaa
mooga dibukakannn
pintuuu hatimu untuuukkuuuu
agar terbentang jalannnn
andainya kau setiaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
oh Isabellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Buuuuuuuuulan madu diiiii awan biruuu
tiada yang mengganggu
jeng jeng jeng jeng
buuuuuuuuuulan madu di atas pelangiiii
hanya kitaa berduaaaa
mengecap nikmat cintaa
yang putih tak terbanddingg
sesuci embun pagii
andaiiii terpisah langiiiit dan bumi
musnaaaaahh lah ilham
hilanggg pedoman
andaiiiiii terpisah cahya dan bulaann
gelapppp gelitaaaaa
punaahhh asmaraaa
tengah tunggu tube tadi sejuk sangat. kena jalan2 loncat2 gedik2 to warm up. tetiba I saw ada cctv kat depan tu, hehehe... hentam saja lah labuuuuu.. rock kapak.. bukan depa dengaq pun. nyeh nyeh nyeh..
mengapaa kita berjumpaaa
namun akhirrnyaaa terpisahhh...
bla bla bla...
blaaaaa
Diaaaaaaaaaa Isabellaaaaaa..
lambang cintaaaaa yang laraaaaa
terpiiiiisah keranaa
adat yannngggg berbezaaaaa
Cinta guuuuugur bersamaaaaaa
daun-daunnnn kekeringaaan
haluann hidupkuu
terpisah dengannn Isabella
kini aku terpaksaaa
demi cintakuu Isabellaaa
mooga dibukakannn
pintuuu hatimu untuuukkuuuu
agar terbentang jalannnn
andainya kau setiaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
oh Isabellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Buuuuuuuuulan madu diiiii awan biruuu
tiada yang mengganggu
jeng jeng jeng jeng
buuuuuuuuuulan madu di atas pelangiiii
hanya kitaa berduaaaa
mengecap nikmat cintaa
yang putih tak terbanddingg
sesuci embun pagii
andaiiii terpisah langiiiit dan bumi
musnaaaaahh lah ilham
hilanggg pedoman
andaiiiiii terpisah cahya dan bulaann
gelapppp gelitaaaaa
punaahhh asmaraaa
tengah tunggu tube tadi sejuk sangat. kena jalan2 loncat2 gedik2 to warm up. tetiba I saw ada cctv kat depan tu, hehehe... hentam saja lah labuuuuu.. rock kapak.. bukan depa dengaq pun. nyeh nyeh nyeh..
Saturday, 4 March 2006
phewwww...
they finally found Nick.
Yeah.. yeah... you probably watched it already but man! It was so intense. Poor guy, I love him and Warrick, but hey, Grissom the one that gets my juice going :)
Yeah.. yeah... you probably watched it already but man! It was so intense. Poor guy, I love him and Warrick, but hey, Grissom the one that gets my juice going :)
Thursday, 2 March 2006
last night
I felt like I want to scream from the top of my lung. Sampai burst! Last night I refused to switch on the pc because I didn't want to write down what I was feeling.
Because they're all ugly. Because I'm losing it.
I don't even know what's it?
There are many other people who suffer greater challenges but here I am wallowing and pitying my self.
I am never going to get out of this shell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel trapped, I don't know where to move, what to do, how to begin or what to say. What is wrong with me?
Things sure are going to catch up with me, and when they do, I won't know how to deal with it. Like now.
And before you tell me kind words, please, there's so much one can say but I do walk alone. You don't know what's bugging me either, and nobody can help me except me. I am not mad at anybody, really, just at myself.
I feel like I want to cry but there's no tear. I don't even know why I want to cry. Just huge bubble of frustration. Seems like it's stuck with me, or I'm stuck with it. Huh?
btw, I am not a liverpool fan.
Because they're all ugly. Because I'm losing it.
I don't even know what's it?
There are many other people who suffer greater challenges but here I am wallowing and pitying my self.
I am never going to get out of this shell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel trapped, I don't know where to move, what to do, how to begin or what to say. What is wrong with me?
Things sure are going to catch up with me, and when they do, I won't know how to deal with it. Like now.
And before you tell me kind words, please, there's so much one can say but I do walk alone. You don't know what's bugging me either, and nobody can help me except me. I am not mad at anybody, really, just at myself.
I feel like I want to cry but there's no tear. I don't even know why I want to cry. Just huge bubble of frustration. Seems like it's stuck with me, or I'm stuck with it. Huh?
btw, I am not a liverpool fan.
Sunday, 26 February 2006
moody
I have no mood, zilch, nothing whatsoever to blog for the next few days or maybe weeks.
It could be because I have no ideas, work pressure, depression, self-imposed personal problems or low confidence, I don't know. I just don't feel the vibes nor the motivation to motivate myself.
Til I find it back.
It could be because I have no ideas, work pressure, depression, self-imposed personal problems or low confidence, I don't know. I just don't feel the vibes nor the motivation to motivate myself.
Til I find it back.
Monday, 20 February 2006
WO
Brian Gumbel of HBO Realsports says there's not much interest in Winter Olympics. He is probably right. Who cares about the luge, skeleton, bobsleigh and slalom eh? and curling? Except for people in Europe especially the Nordic countries, the rest of the world just don't care, do we? Out of the many Asian nations, only 16 dare to send contigents. Mmmm...
Anyway, being a fan of sports-watch, I like to keep myself up to date with the news. Did anybody watch the ice dance today? My god! Some of the men looked totally unattractive just because they wear shocking pink costumes. Yikes! Not macho! Sometimes I see some who wear pink ties and that's ok cos it's pastel and didn't outshine their suits, but please not shocking pink shirts. Totally disgusting!
Team GB finally won a medal in skeleton. Weird name for an event and even scarier if you're on the sled, head tucked down with face only a few inches away from ice track and moving at 140km an hour. Ngeri!
It's a relatively new event. Hey... maybe I should try this event and get myself trained to do some longest track in the world, then I might get a datukship. Or speed skating maybe, if I can beat the Koreans.
Huh? Naaaaaaaahh
I know. I can go for tryout for ice hockey. Join any teams and be the first Malaysian to compete in WO. Heheheee
Michelle Kwan, you past your prime! Too bad. Oh and what happen to that girl Tara whatshername-ski? Turned pro huh? And Katarina Witt, Ekaterina G, Kristi Yamaguchi, Scott Hamilton, Oksana Bayul, Brian Boitano.
Whoaaaa... time warp!
£%&$^$"*((*^&%$^&*£"!
Oooo... the drugs are working overtime.
Anyway, being a fan of sports-watch, I like to keep myself up to date with the news. Did anybody watch the ice dance today? My god! Some of the men looked totally unattractive just because they wear shocking pink costumes. Yikes! Not macho! Sometimes I see some who wear pink ties and that's ok cos it's pastel and didn't outshine their suits, but please not shocking pink shirts. Totally disgusting!
Team GB finally won a medal in skeleton. Weird name for an event and even scarier if you're on the sled, head tucked down with face only a few inches away from ice track and moving at 140km an hour. Ngeri!
It's a relatively new event. Hey... maybe I should try this event and get myself trained to do some longest track in the world, then I might get a datukship. Or speed skating maybe, if I can beat the Koreans.
Huh? Naaaaaaaahh
I know. I can go for tryout for ice hockey. Join any teams and be the first Malaysian to compete in WO. Heheheee
Michelle Kwan, you past your prime! Too bad. Oh and what happen to that girl Tara whatshername-ski? Turned pro huh? And Katarina Witt, Ekaterina G, Kristi Yamaguchi, Scott Hamilton, Oksana Bayul, Brian Boitano.
Whoaaaa... time warp!
£%&$^$"*((*^&%$^&*£"!
Oooo... the drugs are working overtime.
Friday, 17 February 2006
hmmmm
At the store today.
4 small manggis = £1.39
5 ulas nangka = £1.39
nasib baik I had a fair share of manggis already, if not sure kempunan.
4 small manggis = £1.39
5 ulas nangka = £1.39
nasib baik I had a fair share of manggis already, if not sure kempunan.
Thursday, 16 February 2006
uurrgghhh
Adddooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii sakit laaa.
Can't sleep, can't eat, can't talk.
gigi sakit, gusi bengkak. What did I do to deserve this? The pain.... :(
Can't sleep, can't eat, can't talk.
gigi sakit, gusi bengkak. What did I do to deserve this? The pain.... :(
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