Last night, two people couldn't sleep, so they hang out in the living room. One was so engrossed with her computer while the other was just staring into the empty space.
"You said you were lonely," the person broke the ice.
"I was," she said.
"But don't you think you made yourself feel that way? Why don't you go out? Join a class or something." The person was judging her.
"I was busy, but I was also lonely."
"You were busy then, but now you can do something. All I see was you sitting in front of the computer."
"You wouldn't understand. I kept myself busy with work but, sometimes, that didn't cure my loneliness. I found friends through my computer when you weren't around. Now that you're here, don't expect me to leave my computer and entertain you. You know, dance or swimming classes require commitment, something I don't have during this limited time I have left."
Both of them remained quiet. The person, then, retired to bed.
She couldn't - wouldn't- be pressured by people she hardly knew to make decision that involved her life. She knows she's lost. She's lazy, perhaps. But no one can tell her what to do, not until she's ready to push herself.
No, there was only one person she could completely trust and depend on, and that was herself. Even if others meant well, she has to learn from her own mistakes.
She realized that years ago when she'd known the pain of loss, the fear of desertion and failure.It's foolish to worry about it. This feeling. It appeals as much as it frightens. It tempted her to daydream, and she'd almost given up on fantasies.
Not yet.
Wednesday 28 September 2005
Sunday 25 September 2005
labu on a sunday
Hari ni, labu penat dan sakit badan. Bangun tidorq pun matahari dah tegak. Lepaih tu, dok melangut tak tau nak buat apa.
Semalam, apa mimpi tah, manusia2 yang buat labu sakit hati tu masak and served dinner untuk labu. Hmmm... nak ambik hati lah tu. Peeeraaahh!
Depa ajak labu pi mengedik kat The Sports Cafe. Ohhh... labu kalau pasai bab bab menari ni ok saja. The last time labu pi sana dj dia main lagu bukan main best lagi, so tu lah tak lepaih chan kali ni.
Dari pukui 12 sampai pukui 3 pagi. Lembek kaki. Bas nak balik ghumah pulak on diversion, jenuh berjalan kaki. Last last taxi jugak lah jawabnya.
Tapi labu rasa berbangga dengan diri sendiri. Sebab all the time dok berdisko, labu minum oren jus saja without vodka and tak isap rokok pon. In fact dah dekat 6 bulan dah tak buat benda benda tu. Alhamdulillah.
La ni, kena pi cari makan. Laparq nya bukan main lagi. Mawar, tunggu labu nak pi makan kat sana nooo.
Semalam, apa mimpi tah, manusia2 yang buat labu sakit hati tu masak and served dinner untuk labu. Hmmm... nak ambik hati lah tu. Peeeraaahh!
Depa ajak labu pi mengedik kat The Sports Cafe. Ohhh... labu kalau pasai bab bab menari ni ok saja. The last time labu pi sana dj dia main lagu bukan main best lagi, so tu lah tak lepaih chan kali ni.
Dari pukui 12 sampai pukui 3 pagi. Lembek kaki. Bas nak balik ghumah pulak on diversion, jenuh berjalan kaki. Last last taxi jugak lah jawabnya.
Tapi labu rasa berbangga dengan diri sendiri. Sebab all the time dok berdisko, labu minum oren jus saja without vodka and tak isap rokok pon. In fact dah dekat 6 bulan dah tak buat benda benda tu. Alhamdulillah.
La ni, kena pi cari makan. Laparq nya bukan main lagi. Mawar, tunggu labu nak pi makan kat sana nooo.
Friday 23 September 2005
kisah si labu
Hari ni aku nak lepas geram.
Semalam bila aku balik keje, aku tengok ada orang kat rumah ni guna laptop aku lagi. Dah la tu, siap masuk baca blog aku and tinggal komen pulak tu. Ceh... tah tah dia ada baca bout beberapa entries aku dok mengutuk dia sebelum ni.
Nasib ko lah labu.Tapi, ni lah satu bende yang aku tak gemar. Harta aku dah dibuat macam harta sendiri pulak. Banyak cantik?!!!
Aku ni consider tak kedekut lah, sebab bila depa nak guna or pinjam apa-apa barang, aku mesti bagi punya. Dengan syarat, tanya lah dulu kan.
Sejak dua menjak ni, ada lah sorang kawan si Kfiatek ni mai dok menumpang kat rumah kami. Aku kenal minah ni, so bila dia mintak nak guna laptop sebab nak hantar cv, aku bagi lah. Aku offer jugak kalau nak guna hp aku sebab talk plan aku tu free to mana mana networks pun.
Pompuan ni kan, bagi betis dia nak paha pulak. Eessh.. tak boleh nak buat baik sikit, mesti adeee je orang nak pijak kepala. Ni yang aku tak tahan ni.
Aku paling geram betul lah time aku dok guna lappy, dia mai menempek kat sebelah aku dok tengok apa aku buat. Aku pelempang sekali kang baru tau! Aku punya suka lah nak buat apa pun, chat ka blog ka. Harta aku!
Tah apa tah depa buat dengan lappy aku ni, semalam tak leh nak open satu hapa ke benda program pun. Nak switch off pun tak boleh. Kalau ikutkan hati aku yg tengah hangat time tu, aku maki depa, tapi aku ni tak reti. Bodoh! Tu lah pasal aku jugak yang kena pomen sendiri after bergayut berjam-jam dengan mamat kat pc helpline.
Satu hal lagi ni pasai blog and bloggers' attitude.Kalau nak ikutkan, blog is tempat nak melepas geram, nak merapu, nak buat biskut, nak mandi bogel. Ikut suka hati hang lah apa hang nak tulis. Broken english, manglish, bob marley-ish, lantak ler. After all, masa aku dan hang beranak dulu lidah mak kita bukan lidah omputih pun.
Tapi yang tak syoknya, bila ada pulak bloggers yang jeles dengan other bloggers. Apahal? Ada orang tanya aku, pehal dina blog kat sini. Awat? Tak boleh ka? Aku nak tulis apa pun, aku nak invite sesapa pun, aku punya blog, hangpa peduli apa! Kadang-kadang tu pasai link mengelink pun boleh jadi hal (sigh)
Tengok gaya, bloggers ni ramai jugak yang 3 suku, macam aku jugak lah kan. Nak buat cam mana, semuanya repressed. Perangai kat luarq tu lain, kat blog lain. Yang macam hantu pun ada, yang macam jemuan pun ada.
Entah lah labu, apa nak jadi pun aku tak tau.
Aku ni dah duduk serumah dengan bermacam macam jenis org dah. Italian, Hungarian, Brazillian, Polish, Eritrean, Portugese etc etc. Dari permerhatian aku lah, antara depa ramai-ramai, orang yang mai dari poland ni aku consider paling kedekut.
Sebenarnya aku rasa depa tak lah teruk sangat. Depa ni rajin and memang kuat keje cuma kadang-kadang tu aku rasa meyampah sebab depa ni berkira sangat sampai ke last penny. Kalau boleh semuanya nak free je. Malas dah aku nak bersocialise dengan depa ni.
Lebih baik hidup sendiri. Alaa... nanti mati pun sorang jugak.Sigh.
Apa la hang merapu, labu?
Semalam bila aku balik keje, aku tengok ada orang kat rumah ni guna laptop aku lagi. Dah la tu, siap masuk baca blog aku and tinggal komen pulak tu. Ceh... tah tah dia ada baca bout beberapa entries aku dok mengutuk dia sebelum ni.
Nasib ko lah labu.Tapi, ni lah satu bende yang aku tak gemar. Harta aku dah dibuat macam harta sendiri pulak. Banyak cantik?!!!
Aku ni consider tak kedekut lah, sebab bila depa nak guna or pinjam apa-apa barang, aku mesti bagi punya. Dengan syarat, tanya lah dulu kan.
Sejak dua menjak ni, ada lah sorang kawan si Kfiatek ni mai dok menumpang kat rumah kami. Aku kenal minah ni, so bila dia mintak nak guna laptop sebab nak hantar cv, aku bagi lah. Aku offer jugak kalau nak guna hp aku sebab talk plan aku tu free to mana mana networks pun.
Pompuan ni kan, bagi betis dia nak paha pulak. Eessh.. tak boleh nak buat baik sikit, mesti adeee je orang nak pijak kepala. Ni yang aku tak tahan ni.
Aku paling geram betul lah time aku dok guna lappy, dia mai menempek kat sebelah aku dok tengok apa aku buat. Aku pelempang sekali kang baru tau! Aku punya suka lah nak buat apa pun, chat ka blog ka. Harta aku!
Tah apa tah depa buat dengan lappy aku ni, semalam tak leh nak open satu hapa ke benda program pun. Nak switch off pun tak boleh. Kalau ikutkan hati aku yg tengah hangat time tu, aku maki depa, tapi aku ni tak reti. Bodoh! Tu lah pasal aku jugak yang kena pomen sendiri after bergayut berjam-jam dengan mamat kat pc helpline.
Satu hal lagi ni pasai blog and bloggers' attitude.Kalau nak ikutkan, blog is tempat nak melepas geram, nak merapu, nak buat biskut, nak mandi bogel. Ikut suka hati hang lah apa hang nak tulis. Broken english, manglish, bob marley-ish, lantak ler. After all, masa aku dan hang beranak dulu lidah mak kita bukan lidah omputih pun.
Tapi yang tak syoknya, bila ada pulak bloggers yang jeles dengan other bloggers. Apahal? Ada orang tanya aku, pehal dina blog kat sini. Awat? Tak boleh ka? Aku nak tulis apa pun, aku nak invite sesapa pun, aku punya blog, hangpa peduli apa! Kadang-kadang tu pasai link mengelink pun boleh jadi hal (sigh)
Tengok gaya, bloggers ni ramai jugak yang 3 suku, macam aku jugak lah kan. Nak buat cam mana, semuanya repressed. Perangai kat luarq tu lain, kat blog lain. Yang macam hantu pun ada, yang macam jemuan pun ada.
Entah lah labu, apa nak jadi pun aku tak tau.
Aku ni dah duduk serumah dengan bermacam macam jenis org dah. Italian, Hungarian, Brazillian, Polish, Eritrean, Portugese etc etc. Dari permerhatian aku lah, antara depa ramai-ramai, orang yang mai dari poland ni aku consider paling kedekut.
Sebenarnya aku rasa depa tak lah teruk sangat. Depa ni rajin and memang kuat keje cuma kadang-kadang tu aku rasa meyampah sebab depa ni berkira sangat sampai ke last penny. Kalau boleh semuanya nak free je. Malas dah aku nak bersocialise dengan depa ni.
Lebih baik hidup sendiri. Alaa... nanti mati pun sorang jugak.Sigh.
Apa la hang merapu, labu?
Wednesday 21 September 2005
Sometimes, I don't get it.
Malaysians are obsessed with branded things. Ok I admit I was guilty of the same crime long time ago. I remember my time in the States. We bought DKNY, Nine West and errr... honestly that's all I remember. Opss.. there's more. My cousins told me to buy Correlle, Mikasa bla bla bla. I was influenced.
When I look back, I feel sooo stupid.In April, when my sister was here, we went to meet a few of her friends scattered in the UK. What tickles me was that every one of them wants to bring back a beemer or merc. They work like mad, because that's their aim. Driving a beemer shows the kind of status one acquired.
Once in a while, someone whispered to me, 'cari duit banyak-banyak and then bila balik bawak la mercedes satu.' Hello? You think I'm like you izzit? I only want Toyota RAV4, hehe, but living the life of a pauper, there's no way I can pay road tax and insurance. But sometimes orang ni hold on to the pepatah, biar papa asal bergaya.
It's the same with shoes. I wear Nike because it's comfortable, pasar malam punya pun I tibai je, but I recalled a few incidents where I heard 'it's Nike, babe, NIKE.'
So what? Bapak ko punya kilang ke?
The one thing I dread is when I go home people will ask about my job. 'Keje apa?' Eksekutip ke? Tak. Keje kutip sampah je. Huurrghhh..Ok.
Now that I got that out of my system, I can go back to my rubbish truck.
When I look back, I feel sooo stupid.In April, when my sister was here, we went to meet a few of her friends scattered in the UK. What tickles me was that every one of them wants to bring back a beemer or merc. They work like mad, because that's their aim. Driving a beemer shows the kind of status one acquired.
Once in a while, someone whispered to me, 'cari duit banyak-banyak and then bila balik bawak la mercedes satu.' Hello? You think I'm like you izzit? I only want Toyota RAV4, hehe, but living the life of a pauper, there's no way I can pay road tax and insurance. But sometimes orang ni hold on to the pepatah, biar papa asal bergaya.
It's the same with shoes. I wear Nike because it's comfortable, pasar malam punya pun I tibai je, but I recalled a few incidents where I heard 'it's Nike, babe, NIKE.'
So what? Bapak ko punya kilang ke?
The one thing I dread is when I go home people will ask about my job. 'Keje apa?' Eksekutip ke? Tak. Keje kutip sampah je. Huurrghhh..Ok.
Now that I got that out of my system, I can go back to my rubbish truck.
Monday 19 September 2005
end of blog life
I’ve been thinking of shutting the blog down for quite some times now. I know, I know, some of you who occasionally read it might care.
I started the blog because I was lonely. How, you might ask, with all the things happening in London? Well, you wouldn't understand it. I came here looking for something that weren't there. And I felt lonely during the process because that's the truth. I am here all alone. Thanks to OJ, I found blog and the rest is history.
In the last few weeks, I don’t feel inspired, anymore. I don’t feel like I want to write, anymore. Ah well. I’ve run out of things to say. It’s kinda funny because I hardly have a lot of things to begin with. I was feeling frustrated with my writing, as you know I'm not really a writer, a blogger yes, but a real writer no, and so I was feeling like I was running out of ideas, and I was putting a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to be more witty and lighthearted with my posts, but to be honest, everything I wrote felt forced and insincere.
As you get to know me, I feel that sometimes I have to censor myself from writing an honest entry. Also, I think I had revealed many stories about my family more than I realized. I guess it’s time to take a back seat and be quiet.
I haven’t had this site for long. In fact, on Oct 21st, it’s going to be one year old. I will be home for my long holidays and probably won't have enough time for this site. Initially, I didn’t think I would last this long. The thing is blogging has taken so much of my time. Precious time that I could have spent doing something else. It’s like sleep blog, eat blog, everything blog.
It’s great while it lasts but I think I had enough.From blogging alone to having a guest blogger, I had enjoy this so much. It’s kinda sad too because through this blog, I made new friends and met wonderful people. I have also found family connection and long lost friends who stumbled upon my blog.
I have voiced my frustration to Lil Ms D a lot of times and we both agreed that this blog will cease to exist on its birthday. It's just a matter of finding the right time. Dinsy, you are a great source of inspirations. Love you to bits. But what has to be done has to be done. Thank you for coming on board and sharing this space with me. Your friendship is something I treasure. Never in a million years had I thought this could happen. You have the heart of an angel and I am honoured, you know.
Truthfully, I am grateful for the friendships offered and created over the months. I can never thank you enough for all comments. You guys have enough patience to read awful lots of stupid rants and have helped me during my darkest moods. To some of you, I apologize for not visiting your blogs often in the last few weeks. There are too many blogs to read but too little time.
Maybe one day, you may accidently find my new blog as I embark on another adventure, which is what I am trying to do. I am not giving any hints but who knows, kan? In the meantime, all I want to say is, so long, farewell.
I started the blog because I was lonely. How, you might ask, with all the things happening in London? Well, you wouldn't understand it. I came here looking for something that weren't there. And I felt lonely during the process because that's the truth. I am here all alone. Thanks to OJ, I found blog and the rest is history.
In the last few weeks, I don’t feel inspired, anymore. I don’t feel like I want to write, anymore. Ah well. I’ve run out of things to say. It’s kinda funny because I hardly have a lot of things to begin with. I was feeling frustrated with my writing, as you know I'm not really a writer, a blogger yes, but a real writer no, and so I was feeling like I was running out of ideas, and I was putting a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to be more witty and lighthearted with my posts, but to be honest, everything I wrote felt forced and insincere.
As you get to know me, I feel that sometimes I have to censor myself from writing an honest entry. Also, I think I had revealed many stories about my family more than I realized. I guess it’s time to take a back seat and be quiet.
I haven’t had this site for long. In fact, on Oct 21st, it’s going to be one year old. I will be home for my long holidays and probably won't have enough time for this site. Initially, I didn’t think I would last this long. The thing is blogging has taken so much of my time. Precious time that I could have spent doing something else. It’s like sleep blog, eat blog, everything blog.
It’s great while it lasts but I think I had enough.From blogging alone to having a guest blogger, I had enjoy this so much. It’s kinda sad too because through this blog, I made new friends and met wonderful people. I have also found family connection and long lost friends who stumbled upon my blog.
I have voiced my frustration to Lil Ms D a lot of times and we both agreed that this blog will cease to exist on its birthday. It's just a matter of finding the right time. Dinsy, you are a great source of inspirations. Love you to bits. But what has to be done has to be done. Thank you for coming on board and sharing this space with me. Your friendship is something I treasure. Never in a million years had I thought this could happen. You have the heart of an angel and I am honoured, you know.
Truthfully, I am grateful for the friendships offered and created over the months. I can never thank you enough for all comments. You guys have enough patience to read awful lots of stupid rants and have helped me during my darkest moods. To some of you, I apologize for not visiting your blogs often in the last few weeks. There are too many blogs to read but too little time.
Maybe one day, you may accidently find my new blog as I embark on another adventure, which is what I am trying to do. I am not giving any hints but who knows, kan? In the meantime, all I want to say is, so long, farewell.
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