a promise to myself

As I was sitting in the tube last night, suddenly there was a rush of feelings running havoc inside of me. I've been busy maintaining dignity and being peaceful, it's tempting to think that I'm detached and there's no place for big feelings.

Well, it doesn't work that way. I know it's ok to feel angry when someone really hacks me off. It's ok to feel huge sadness and grief when I lose a loved one. And it's ok to feel tremendous joy. Sitting on my feelings isn't a good idea. They just get squashed that way.

Sometimes I grieve silently when people talked about their parents. Just listening to them talking about summer holidays and spending time with their families makes me envy them. Technically, I am an orphan, but after so many years of trying to maintain dignity and appearance by not showing that I am weak or out of control, I know it didn't do me any good, even though I was trying to get over the difficult times.

I brought these feelings with me but I just have to learn to walk away. I know we all hate to fail, hate to give up, hate to give in. Sometimes things are simply not going to happen the way we want and when shit happens, we have to learn to shrug and walk away with our pride intact.

In recent times, there were moments when I feel that I want to get even but being slightly older and wiser, it's just a total waste of time. Yeah, I do think that I am a little wiser now and I would walk away from such stupid feeling.

There is no one else. No matter how much I want to remain as a child (sometimes I act like one too), I am all grown-up and I'm on my own now. That's a fact. It does sound scary and believe me it is terrifying because whether I like it or not, all I got is myself. But I'm not going to let the situation controls me. I choose how to make my bed with every action and every decision.

It's like an instant karma. It is my bed and I am going to lie in it. Everything I do will dictate whether my life is going to run happily or badly. And whatever I do and how I do it will come back to me in spades.

However rushed and fraught I am, I'm making a promise to myself that I should always make the effort to do the right thing and remember good manners. At least I want to try because they cost nothing and yet can generate goodwill and make everyone's life (including mine) much better and pleasant. A simple thank you, a little politeness and being hospitable go a long long way.

We all lead increasingly busy, frantic lives. We all get caught up in chaotic lives to such extent that we lose sight of where we were going and what we were going to achieve. It's time to take a little break, look back, touch base and move on.

A man with an impressive name, Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi said, 'The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles.'

I can vouch that what he said is true. Now it's my turn to listen.