Wednesday 29 June 2005

Don't talk to me, I'm not in the mood

For the last few weeks, Luca has an assistant working with him. This guy normally would spend at last 4 nights in our flat, and he sleeps in the living room. I have nothing against people coming to the flat and stay overnight. I, myself used to accommodate lotsa friends too.

However, this guy irritates me to no end. He probably is a nice guy, but for some reason I can't stand whatever he did or said.

First, when he speaks his voice was really slow and he kinda drags his voice like a girl. I had to strain my ears to listen to him. Most of the time, I can only hear his mumbles and I get frustrated because I had to ask him to repeat himself several times. When I told him to speak up, instead of raising his voice, he would come next to me shoving his face in mine. Urrgh! Now, I just don't pay attention anymore.

Second, whenever I was engrossed in something, be it watching the telly or most of the time I was reading blogs, he will try to engage in meaningless conversation. Hello?! Can't you see I was doing something else? Can't you tell I didn't want to speak to you? I was ignoring you so please just leave me alone. I am content with just sitting there and not talking at all.

Third, his remarks and comments irk me most of the time. For example, he asked about Ahui everytime he came to the house. I dunno how many times I have to tell him that Ahui has gone home for good. . He irritates me when he said he missed her. How, for goodness sake, can you miss someone you just met twice? She didn’t have conversation long enough to be his friend. Acquaintance yes, but friend no. I ended up having a debate with him. Haah!

Today, I bought a 3m gazebo for the garden and all afternoon I was putting that up. By the time Luca and Maury came home, I finished doing everything. Then, he came in and asked me whether I did it myself. Of course lah mangkuk ayun! Do you think there's an angel helping me? He praised me saying that I was a strong woman bla bla bla…

Oh please! Save it for someone else. Any woman could do it, if they didn’t pretend to be so helpless like a damsel need rescuing.

Me, I just hate waiting for someone else to do it for me. If I want something, I have to do it myself cos most of the time it will never get done or take a looooong time to even start. Well, unless you're a pretty woman with a gedik attitude to match.

“Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man and work like a dog.” Caroline K. Simon

Saturday 25 June 2005

It's finally here

It has arrived!

But first, I am sad to say that I have to work today. This is an early morning posting from the office as I am about to leave with ice cream van.

At 7:07 am on this day in one Tiger year, I was born. It wasn't so long ago, when I was playing polis sentri and galah panjang. It felt like yesterday, I just climbed the pokok jambu in the compound and had eaten the jambu together with its seeds.

Sometimes, I feel that I am still a child, trapped in an adult's body. Eager to see everything like a toddler let loose. So many toys to play with, and when I have grown to the current size, there are so many ceruk rantau I want to go. People always say that curiosity kills the cat. In this instance, I hope not.

Mmm... I was born restless. Mak once told me that I didn't even wait for the bidan to come. She felt the pain and me kicking, so Bapak went to get the bidan only to come back and find I was out and busy crying. Uwuaaaa...

The time has passed so fast that when I woke up this morning, it feels weird. The truth is it has been a while since I last celebrate it. Nothing fantastic about 25 June, just a nice date I think (good numbers to bet), but I did received two 'electrocakes' (my nephew's word) and ada candles and balloons lagi.

Yesterday, when I met The Mentor, I mentioned to her about it. She asked what my plan is for Saturday, you know, whether I will treat myself with fancy stuffs or go for a nice dinner. You have to look at her face when I told her I'd be working. Heh!

crestfallen. disappointed. pity.

Aiyo... I told you already lah boss 2 months ago that I wanted off, and you said ok to me since you'd do the job with Si and Am. But you never remembered also. Takkan lah I have to remind you all the time and me being myself, I hate to nag or ask for something like this. Tapi takpe lah, at least I got extra money. Boleh save and balik can belanja kekawan kat Msia, kan?

Err... you know what? The unthinkable thing that I did was buying flowers. No. Let me rephrase. I sent myself flowers. After a considerable amount of time wasted thinking about it, I decided I deserved it. And guess what? I am happy that I did that, cos the flowers make me smile and they remind me of the beautiful life I have.

Friday 24 June 2005

of values and success

Unfortunate day for some people.Both of French Open champions are out. Justine Henin-Hardenne knocked out in first round and Rafael Nadal succumbed to the heat in Londyn. And Henman? hampeh!

Dah banyak hari dah panas macam ni. Even I also feel so belengaih today. If you dunno what belengaih means, pi tanya atenah. Dia ada kamuih org utagha. I even stayed in the cold warehouse for several minutes before finally running out of there. Gilos. Kang sakit pulak badan, kejap sejuk kejap panas. Ala, esok hujan lah tu.

The best thing is aiskrim laku macam goreng pisang panas. The not so best thing is that I have to be there again at 8:00am tomorrow. Penatlah jalan ulang alik kat dlm sana, bukannya dekat all the kiosks. Lagi satu tu lagi best tengok the game on telly.

This week I did something unthinkable. No, actually thinkable by me, but probably not by others. Kfiatek and The Hotelier laughed so hard when I told them on Monday what I did, and jokingly they said it was pathetic. I didn't know why I told them. Should have kept quiet about the whole thing. Mmm... if it's pathetic then it's pathetic lah. I don't care. I do whatever I want to please myself. If you don't like it, tough!

Sometimes, I just want to tell them to stop pretending that they are nice friends, because they are not. I mean, they are good people but when it comes to certain things, I can see the real them. They become selfish and everything must be centred around them.

Maybe I dunno how to choose friends. I feel cheated sometimes. I think I do have differently values and taste than most people. The way I look at life is somewhat weird or unexpected. Ahui was surprised when she found out about some of my views during our late night discussions.

Sometimes I get frustrated when something fall short of my expectation. Well, I do not expect them to be like me or to have the similar values but once in a while I do want people to acknowledge them.

Like Kfiatek for instance. I have known him since 2002. He knows about the no pork rules in my meal or anywhere near my food. He is nice sometimes when he offered to make dinner for the 2 of us, but he never remember the rule. He once invited me to dinner with his friends and prepared pork chop. Enough said bout that.

Yesterday, he was being selfish again. I dunno what's with him? Doesn't he listen to himself when he's talking? I do that most of the time. When I talk, I listened to what I was saying because I don't want the wrong things to come out. And that's the reason why I hardly talk these days. I prefer to listen and nod or geleng. But I guess people don't care anymore.

Bill Cosby once said 'I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try please everyone'

I guess I am doomed.

Wednesday 15 June 2005

white as canvas, but not as pure

I was trying to get my bike out of the house when I got a phone call from Kfiatek at 7:30pm. He sounded desperate and soon I found out that his friend, The Hotelier got thrown out of her flat tonight.

Dunno what really happened and I wasn't going to ask anyway. All I knew was that they needed help to move all her stuffs out there asap. I jenis malas nak tau sangat, simple explanation pun dah enough, unless you're my good friend then I will drill everything out of you.

Hehehe...Wheeled the bike in again and zoomed the van to Notting Hill. One thing I don't understand is that The Hotelier always complain that she hasn't got enough money for savings, but she never made any effort to move out even though the flat is milking her dry. Some people. Dah berbuih mulut suruh dia cari flat lain, tak jugak pindah. Now she hasn't got anywhere to stay so she's just gonna bunk with Kfiatek in the flat above mine.

The thing about life here is that you don't have family to help out during times like this. Friends are all we have to see us through good and bad times. Sometimes I'm scared of the unknown.

What if some things happened to me and no one would know?

I may have some good friends I can rely on, but then there will be a point where friends can't help out at all. What then? Should I be worried?

Well, mmm... not going to think about it for now.

Had a long distance chat with an old friend today and she asked when I'm going home for good. Oookayy... another question I prefer not to answer, just yet.

My life is like a white canvas, I'm painting the picture daily as I wake up from sleep. I don't even know what is waiting for me in the next 10 months. What I know is that I'm going home for raya, and that's enough for now.

Monday 13 June 2005

beauty talk

When you live with someone who studies to be a beautician, most of the things she talks about are, of course, facial treatments, haircuts, cosmetics bla bla bla. The best thing out of this is that I have my own personal beautician at home. Bila bila nak facial also boleh and I’ve booked her for massage sessions, but she got fed up with me coz I kept cancelling, takde masa lah.

Mmm… I’m not cultured and so into being beautiful lah, I’m all plain jane maahh. So I can dengar only but I let her do the talking. But these last few days, Ahui has been nagging me to have a change of image. She said she wanted to try her hands at being Trinny and Susannah. Whatever lah budak ni!

Told me to get a haircut, buy new tops and trousers, color my hair. Haiyaa… dia ingat aku ni cap duit ke apa? And when she met Maury, I’m amazed at the things they talk, maklumlah bila pompuan berjumpa kan, one simple topic pun boleh jadi panjang berjela. Like this:

Ahui: Oh! You got a haircut! It looks so chic!

Maury: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Ahui: Oh, no! It’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut and done like that, but I think my face is too wide and round. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Maury: Are you serious? I think your face is lovely. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look great. I was going to do that except I was afraid it would make my neck look too long.

Ahui: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Maury: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Ahui: No way, you look so nice especially on that party night. You could wear anything and still look pretty.

Ok, so maybe I exaggerate a little bit lah about their conversation, but really, women can get drawn into these kinds of lengthy talks for hours. However, swap the women with men, and you’ll find a different set of err… interesting chat?

Let’s get DG to meet goslow (Boys, jangan marah yek. Pinjam nama you kejap. Contoh je ni)

DG: Haircut?
Goslow: Yeah!

Hahahahahha… Senang hidup diorang ni kan?

Friday 10 June 2005

taking a chance

These last few days have been quite emotional for me. Maybe more than I can handle at one time. Penat sebenarnya bila teringat all the things that happened years ago, and they drained out all my energy. Still tak abis lagi

Arkk..akk.. PS! Don't say I'm going through the big D again. For those yang dok garu kepala tu, big D is for Depression. Boring yes, malas pun yes, scared of course lah yes, but depression tu kat tinggal hujung hujung je. Life is looking good and the sun is sunnier.

This blog has become like the sessions some people had with their shrink in a lounge with a nice comfy sofa, trying to settle some unfinished business with the ghosts from the past. It helps. It helps a lot.

I have never expected that blog can be so therapeutic, and the readers are the bonus that came with it. I know I didn't really bloghop that much due to heavy workloads and too many trips and traveling to make so I dunno much what's happening or who's with whom in bloglife but I do make a point to visit them when I have the time. Kakteh can keep me updated with the gossips, kan kan?

When I write the stories about Mak, I didn't mean to reveal every single thing. There are things that should be left unsaid. And I'm not expecting people to say that I'm a good daughter either. I have my fair share of kejahatan and kekurangan. I ni very nakal one. Selalu kena sebat dengan tali pinggang masa kecik dulu. These days I tend to be shy, of people. Pasal apa jadi cam ni pun tak tau lah. Honest to God, I dunno how to handle all these comments either. Reading some of your comments also dah boleh buat I sebak semula, and lost for words, let alone to reply them.

What I want to say here is, thank you. There are many of you here who left comments, tak kisah lah +ve or -ve, or those yang nak share similar sentiments. I appreciate them all. Thank you for your kind words, for your encouragements, for your guidance and critics, for your advice and for your jokes. I rambles a lot, but you guys are still here listening or more like reading what my head told me to write.

Some people even made extra efforts to extend this blogging relationship to a real life friendship. I am touched with their generosity and kind hearts. It's like being in a different world altogether where love is just about sharing and giving, and hasad dengki is not in the dictionary.

The truth is I lost interest in making new friends because I find the process of getting know a person is tedious and requires a lot of energy. But without friends, we are nobody, so I'm willing to give myself a chance to get to know the friendly people, and a cat too.

To ps, ju, dina, honeytar, DG, raf, stell, kakteh, TJ, TK, Aces, min, poncho, goslow, shell, nenn, zaireen, joe, maine, sooz, leez, tenah, AuntyN, AA, OJ and ramai lagi lah rasanya. Sori lah.. tak dapat nak ingat semua org kat sini. Especially to ray and Haji Malim, thank you for sharing your thoughts and always making me laugh with your antiques.

Thank You.

"Life is to be enjoyed. For once forget your sorrows and take a chance. "-Ewok-

Thursday 9 June 2005

This is my story II

I woke up on Sunday with swollen eyes and headache as big as telur unta.Some years ago, I used to wake up in the middle of the night with wet eyes. Crying in sleep is not my favourite thing to do but it just happened. Sometimes I think I ni macam Ning Yatimah pulak, ratu airmata zaman dulu dulu tu.

You might think that I’m drowning in self-pity and wallowing of the past. Think what you like. I don’t need to justify. Only now I realized it’s time to talk about it.

*****

Mak was coming home. You know orang tua, they don’t like to stay in a hospital and they would rather be in a familiar surrounding. Before she came home, I had to make sure that the house was in perfect order. Didn’t want her to come home to a house behaving badly.

Doc gave a green light to take her home but her whole body was like half paralysed. But lucky for her, the stroke was just mild. She still couldn’t move and she had to depend on us, but we were told that if she eat right and exercise regularly, she'd be back on her feet in no time at all.

Dah kemas bilik and all, but Mak bersungut dowan to stay in the bedroom. Rimas agaknya. Even though Mak tak boleh bercakap sangat tapi kalau letak telinga dekat dekat, boleh paham lah apa dia nak bagitau tu.

Because Mak taknak stay in the room, we prepared the bed in the living room. Masa tu tak kisah lah sebab the most important was Mak’s comfort. Lagipun the area is big, senang nak care for her.

Sebenarnya, I can’t remember whether the bros and sis balik kampong to see Mak when this happened. I think Aci balik pun for a few days only.

The other night when I suddenly remembered all these, I thought to myself Aci must have had the second shock of her life in the same year. In Feb, she gave birth to a baby girl in her eighth month, but Hidayah stopped breathing 30 minutes after delivery. Aci was heartbroken, hati mana tak sedih bila anak dikandung meninggal and every time she saw my bro’s daughter, she had this really sad look on her face. Tak pernah sekali dia merungut tapi sometimes she’d cry non-stop thinking about her baby. I am not a mother yet but mothers out there must know the feelings Aci had gone through. And Mak being a mother would understand her daughter’s heartache. Mak was there, taking care of her. Not a minute she spent apart from Aci. When Aci menangis malam malam, Mak was there to comfort and hug her. And then 5 months later Mak was bedridden. It must have been really hard on Aci.

Ateh and I were the ones at home all the time. I slept next to Mak, just in case she needed something during the night and Ateh would normally sleep on the sofa behind us. Bapak was just being bapak. (I had issues with Bapak but I blogged about it previously)

Every morning, I’d use wet cloth to wipe and wash up Mak, and when I did this I often saw traces of airmata. It was hard to maintain my own calmness but I can’t let her see me looking so sedih. Bila bergenang airmata tu, I quickly turned away so that she didn’t see me and I always try to cover up my sebakness by coughing.

While I was changing her baju and kain, Ateh would siang ikan, cut the chicken or potong sayur or whatever I asked him to do. He may be slow but he remembers every details of the things you told him, so cannot tell him lies. But what I hate most is because people know he’s like that, they took advantage of him. He once worked at a local factory not far from home and every time he came back with his wages, Mak would have to count for him. They thought they could get away by cheating him a few ringgit here and there, but Mak would always make sure he knew his right and stand up for it. Rasa macam nak terajang these people for cheating him.

For Mak’s meal, I used to make her all kinds of porridge and soup since she can’t take solid food. My first attempt to make porridge was very teruk, it didn’t taste like Mak normally buat.

Thank goodness for me, Mama (my sedara who wanted to match me with her son Aki) came to house with some food. I was ashamed that I couldn’t cook properly, I am my mother’s daughter, and I should know these things.

All the while when I was in the kitchen, Ateh would stay with Mak, and talk to her. Sometimes I could hear him ‘mak..nak picit tang mana mak?’

He would tell her about his chickens and burung puyuh. ‘Hari ni ayam bertelurq 6 bijik saja. Ayam jantan tu dok ligan yang betina. Tak tau pasai apa.’

Ateh also would wait nearby bila I feed Mak. Kekadang, Mak didn’t want to finish her food. She would geleng her kepala if she can’t take it anymore, and I had to persuade her to eat up because dia makan sikit sangat. Takut kalau tak makan nanti lagi teruk pulak. Lama jugak dok suap Mak, tapi masa ni lah aku rasakan sedih bila tengok Mak makan. Sebelum ni she was sihat and kuat and always the go-getter but now terbaring and terpaksa depend on anak-anak for everything.

For a man, Ateh is caring even if he looks selebet and rough. He has soft heart and gentle touch. He showed this when we both had to take Mak for a bath. There was no wheelchair in the house, so we came up with an idea to carry Mak on a normal chair. When I said carry, I meant we lifted the chair and carried Mak to the bathroom with our own hands. Often, we had to stop a couple of times because my arms were not as strong as Ateh. But Ateh was ever so patient.

Mak had waist-length hair, and I once asked her if we could cut them because they sometimes become kusut and berserabut that I had to wash and brush them carefully. Takut Mak sakit kepala jugak. Mak refused because she said Bapak suka rambut panjang. Tarik nafas panjang aku masa tu.

‘Malam ni mak nak makan apa? Sup ayam nak tak?

‘Petang ni Ateh nak tangkap pastu sembelih ayam sekorq’

Selalu bila dalam bilik ayarq tu, kena sembang with Mak, just to make sure that she felt included in everyday life. Sometimes I told her some funny stories that happened to Ateh and she would smile. I took it as a good sign.

Bila habis aku mandikan Mak, Ateh would come in and we carried her back to the bed. And bila selesai aku pakaikan Mak her nice baju Kedah, I would put some bedak on her face and then dropped long kissess on both of her cheeks. For almost two months, this was the routine. We made sure she was always cared for by none other than flesh and blood, and we helped with her exercise, with hope that she would be well and back on her feet again.

Tuesday 7 June 2005

behind my armour

I wasn’t sure why I was doing this. Why was I here, looking, opening myself to emotions I had locked out most of my life? They needed to stay locked out, I told myself. That was survival.

‘Whom are you going to run from?’ You might ask.

No one. Everyone.

The strange moment had passed. And it had been nerves, not needs.We’re just strangers; we’d pass each other on the street. You don’t know anything about my feelings. But I felt everything slip out of focus.

I wasn’t going to cry, not in front of you or anyone, but it came out anyway. There was nothing, absolutely nothing to cry about.

I felt empty inside. Everyone else had left, and I lived with the daily fear that I would be left again and again.

So, I learned to control my emotions that had become my most successful defence against criticisms and my own insecurity.

If there were moments when I had longed for something more, something… exciting, unfathomable, I’d suppressed the needs. I’d come to believe that if I played by the rules, if I followed the steps carefully laid out for me, I’d win in the end. So my rebellions had been very discreet and my dreams meticulously subdued.

I left too, before they came back. Before they can leave me again.

You don’t know how easily I could slip into my armour. It’s never easy to know anyone unless I want to. So, I do what I know best. I run, steel myself. If I don’t look at you in the eyes, please forgive me.

Sunday 5 June 2005

hikmah Tuhan

Last night I cried again.This time I saw, in my mind, the images of Mak and her worst nightmare.

1995
I just started my semester break. Life in Shah Alam was boring, and it turned out that there was no survival camp arranged for this break. So, I went home to Alor Setar.

Mak was so happy I would be home that she made my favourite mee kari, but she didn’t know that I wasn’t that thrilled. I wanted to go somewhere or do something rather than stay at home. But there was nowhere to go.

I wasn’t happy. I was selfish. I kept thinking about all of my friends who would be leaving to the States soon. I thought about life being unfair and I deserved to be on the same plane with them. It was just not my time but do you think I care? I wanted to go now, not 4 months later.

It was all about me me me. I rebelled by sleeping late at night and waking up in the afternoon. Long after Bapak and Ateh finished their routines. Did Mak say anything? No. She woke me up for subuh and she let me sleep again till I was ready to face the day. She didn’t even know why I was behaving like that, but she let me be.

Once or twice a day, Bapak would come shaking me up but I just went further inside my blanket. The rest of the day, I just watched telly. You can say that I became a lazy bitch.

But just like Ray said, God is All Merciful; He delivered something on our door, unexpectedly.

It was 3 in the morning, when Ateh banged on my door. My room was at the back of the house near the old bathroom in the kitchen and his room was in front, closer to the hall.

He yelled at me and scolded me for tidur mati. And shocked for the first time in my life, I was confused. He stuttered to tell me that something happened.

You see, Ateh is 7 years older than me, and he has a special place in our hearts. Mak kata masa dia dilahirkan, uri dia ditanam deeper than Bapak normally did. Superstitious but God dah nak duga Mak and Bapak.

Ateh has had problem with his speech and brain. Simple things for us but for him, it has to be dealt with great difficulty. He takes some time to comprehend things and his mind works at a crawling speed. But he is not stupid. That’s the misunderstanding people had and still have about him. He’s just mentally challenged but we love him nonetheless. He’s my flesh and blood!

I could see that he was mad at me but all he said was Mak! Mak! And yelling at me at the same time, Bangun! Bangun!

I jumped from the bed and ran outside. I found Mak was lying on the floor next to the dinner table. She didn’t move and she was sobbing… sakit… mak sakit… I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Bapak was out on his tabligh night. It was just me and Ateh.

I was shaking so badly looking at my mother helpless on the floor.

I said to her ‘mak…mak boleh bangun tak?’ She sobbed and geleng her kepala.

‘mak..cek angkat mak ya?’

‘saaakit….siti... sakit’

Ateh was stumped that all he could do was kneeling next to Mak. I could see in his eyes, he was hoping I or rather we could do something to help Mak. And he was looking at me for the answer.

What was I to do? We tried to lift her, but she was so kaku that it was impossible. And every time we tried to move her, she muttered …sakit….sakit…adooi..

I cried because I was useless. There she was, moaning and sobbing and I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even think about calling the hospital, that’s how useless I was.

Her speech was impaired and I could see bubbles coming out of her mouth. Time and again I wiped them, but they continued flowing. I touched her face and chanted Mak…mak… mak mak…

I was rocking her and hugging her. I whispered my imperfect Yassin in her ears. In front of me, Ateh continue to urut her.

It was getting colder by the minutes, I ran around the house frantically looking for blankets to cover her up. We managed to bundle her up in selimut and with all the kudrat we had, Ateh and I carried her to the car.At 5 a.m. we drove off with hope to see a doctor. Tears were like waterfall on my cheeks because for every bump and jolt I felt, Mak had it ten times worse. She couldn’t even open her eyes because the motion hurt her whole body.

When they transferred her on the wheelchair, I prayed that they would not make her feel the pain. She was holding my hands until they wheeled her away from us. We waited for a long long time. Pacing the corridor and not knowing what was happening. At 9 a.m. Bapak finally came. We wanted to call him but we didn’t now how to reach the tabligh group. Mobile phone was only available to the rich.

It was an hour later when the doctor called both me and Bapak into his room. Bapak was an old man, so Dr. thought I should know too. Honestly, Aci or Na was the one he should talk to, not me. I was only 20 and I was about to spread my wings. I did not know the meaning of responsibility. But, grow up I must. Overnight.

He told us what to expect from a person who just had stroke. Stroke? What’s stroke? Mak got diabetes and sakit jantung but not stroke! I was confused and scared. Then I found out.

After a couple of days, she was allowed to go home but with condition she must exercise her movement and flex her muscle. She had to be cared 24/7. From then on I stopped whining about me. Instead, I said syukur to Allah for given me the chance to take care of her. I didn’t know that my delay to the States rupanya ada hikmah tersembunyi.

Saturday 4 June 2005

exorcise the demons

In my previous post, I wrote about how I feel it’s time to reconcile with the memories I had with my mother and family. And last night, as I was lying on the bed trying to will myself to sleep, it dawn to me that as a reflection of who I am, I should begin writing about myself.It’s ironic.

When I named the blog, I didn’t really know what kind of battles I’m facing. I thought they will be just ordinary life obstacles. But now I know better. To move on with my life, I have to exorcise the invisible demons in my head. There are two sides of me. The good in me wanted to feel that I belong somewhere and experience the love I once had. The evil side of me are the ones that are holding back. They’re the one who refused to remember the things I had with my family, be it good or bad.

Deep in my heart, I know that I am still in denial. It’s not easy to come to term with it because denial was the only way I know how to survive. Even after all these years. I never told anyone my fears and my anguish. Everyone thought that I was always happy because all they saw was the smile plastered on my face.

When I first started this blog, it wasn’t because of the need to spill all the beans. It was just a trend, then it became a place I can write without having to censor anything. I started writing about my family, but I found that I wasn’t able to express myself properly. However, I realized it’s therapeutic to get it out of my system or to speak to someone. To tell someone of our insecurities and fears and to share good times and love and happiness. It feels good to let the emotion in you runs free and to let go of the darkest thought. I just don’t know how.

I never had someone to listen to me, maybe because I always held back. I was afraid that if they know my thoughts, I will lose their friendships. Just as I lost my parents. How naïve of me to think that. So, I showed them the other side of me, who wasn’t affected by the incidents that happened in my life. I portrayed myself as the strong person who cannot be touched emotionally.

I distanced myself from friends and family. I didn’t want to see them for a lot of reasons. Friends, because I don’t want to tell them what was happening in my life or my job. Family, because I don’t want them to know what I was up to or nag at me. I kept the social life apart, and I avoided going home.

As far as I can remember, I only broke down in tears once. Weird considering that I am a very sensitive person. I can easily cry when I listen to a song, or when I saw an ad. Dammit! I even cry watching Extreme Home Makeover and those two ladies Trinny and Susannah. Yet, I am unable to feel anything about my own life. How pathetic am I?

Maybe I was ashamed of who I am. Maybe I was just stupid. Or maybe I was still dealing with my loss. There’re so many maybes. Was I ashamed because I was just a kampong girl? Was I ashamed because I didn’t score 3.8 GPA? And for how long do I have to deal with the loss before I come to my senses?

I won’t promise anything. This will be a long journey. I want to remember everything. I want to write about my family. I want to tell the whole world that I do have a family even though I hardly went home or included them in my life before. I want to write about a few selective wonderful friends I have, who became more than just friends. Two entities who love me for who I am and accept me with all my excess baggage. I want to remind myself that I should be grateful that I still have them with me and thankful with what I have.

I shall be true to myself and I shall use this to heal the pains in my heart. This is my story. And today, I don’t want to forget anymore.

Thursday 2 June 2005

secret recipes

Since I was a kid, I have always been passionate about food. Maybe it's in my gene, you know, like mother like daughter. Mom was very much into recipes, be it baking or cooking. She used to drag me to some of her cooking classes and competitions.

Once when I was 12, she competed in two categories; traditional kueh and puddings, and she came second in both. After she received her prizes, we wallup all the food and didn't leave anything behind. I was quite proud of her but too bad I didn't let her know about it.

She didn't really teach me anything but she made sure I was in the kitchen helping her whenever she tried new recipes. I guess because of that, I eventually fell in love with the art of cooking. Aci and I inherited her passion for food. And for as long as I can remember, I like feeding people and I like making my food look pretty too.

When nobody was home, I would pretend that I was dining at a restaurant and served myself lunch. Sometimes, I ate at a Japanese restaurant, so I dig out her Jap dining sets and chopsticks. At other times, I drank juice in her flute and had lunch with fork and knife. Perasan dining at a continental restoran lah tuu..

When she was still alive, I didn't really care or take notes about all these. Acuh tak acuh saja belajar from her.

After she passed away, I just didn't want to remember our time together. It hurt so bad that I locked them away and thrown out the key to a place I didn't want to go back to. I was not bothered with her recipe books, but now I garu kepala cari them. They're the link I had with my mother. When I think about the memories with her, I want to treasure them most but I'm unable to do so because they're somehow have been lost in time. Almost 10 years later, maybe it's time to reconcile.

I am not normally kedekut ilmu. Whatever I know, I love to share with people. However, to tell you the truth, when it comes to recipes, I guarded them so closely. Especially the family recipes. Once, when Na first got married, his wife wanted to make our special cornflake biscuits and she asked for the recipes.

Of course I didn't tell her our secret ingredients, instead I made extra for them just because I didn't want her to know how to do it. You think I'd give aah? Say lah I'm so jahat one for doing that to my own sis-in-law. I don't care. The recipe stays in the family. But now she's part of the family so ok lah.

My point is, the cream crackers baked murtabak recipe has been in the family for so long, I don't know whether I want to share them with you readers. See? Jahatkan I ni?

But, because some of you have been drooling just by looking at the pic, and you asked me nicely, I will share the recipe in the blog. I buat cincai je so recipe pun cincai cara I jugaklah. It will only be displayed for 2 days and after that, it will disappear. So sapa cepat dia dapat lah. Copyright reserved. No distribution allowed, ok.

Updates: Sorry folks, recipe has been removed.