Monday, 20 February 2017

of trauma and determination

When I was discharged from the hospital, I was on wheelchair because my right side was so weak I couldn't stand. And my beautiful long hair was a mess. I decided to cut it because who's gonna take care of it when I can't move my hand. I love my hair but then I was a vegetable.

The first few days at home was so traumatized. Everything I do I have to ask for help. I'm the kind of person who hate to ask for help unless I cannot do it myself. I hated myself and the situation! I cried buckets.

Then my brother told me a story about somebody he knew. This person also had a stroke but she was determined she wanted to get well. She exercised and did a lot of physiotherapy. Now, she is fully recovered.

The story gave me a new hope that I can get better. It inspires me to get up and do something. And my nephew encouraged me that I could try to walk 10 steps a day. I asked my sister to buy a cane and little by little I started walking with it. First, it was only in the house, but the few steps that I took were tiring. I was exhausted, but I kept going and pushed myself. I needed to do better than 10 steps!

I am determined and committed to get well, fast. I know I could do better.

Saturday, 18 February 2017

Start with a Bang!

In 2016 I wanted to turn a new leaf, right? For the better? Yeah, right! It was okay, but guess what? 2017 is the worst for me. At the end of last year, on Christmas Day, I had stroke.

Say what? I know, I couldn't believe it myself. I'm still young to have one, I'm only 42. Life was supposed to begin at 40s. But I have no one to blame but myself. That day my blood pressure hit the sky and burst into tiny little meteors. And when they fallen to the ground, they left me half-paralysed. My right side lost its function. I couldn't walk or use my right hand.

There have been so many nights (and days) I cried myself to sleep. Every time someone came to visit, my waterworks burst. I was depressed and I couldn't accept it. I still don't. This wasn't supposed to happen to me! Lying on the hospital bed, I kept asking how it could happen to me. Why, why, why?

So, I begin my new year feeling scared, sad, angry, ashamed, and emotional. What's in store for me next? I don't know and to be honest, I'm actually terrified of the future.

Thursday, 14 April 2016

New Year New Leaf

It is always at the back of my mind to write again, one day. To be a prolific writer like I used to. Water under the bridge now, isn't it?

I have had my heart broken time and again, that my heart is now plastered with a bandage just to keep it intact. Nothing new there. 2 MH planes are gone, jobs changes all the time, wine bottles are already in the bin and I can feel that some parts of my life have changed for the better.

My outlook on life has changed. My patient has run thin.

Sunday, 29 December 2013


I felt like I aged so much the last few years. And in the blink of an eye, the year is changing again. I started writing a decade ago, and started the blog in Oct 2004, also almost a decade ago. Who in their right mind could have believed this?

The blog has helped tremendously, in terms of emotional and mental strength. I believe I grew wiser and have changed to become a better person.

In 2014, a new chapter will be created. I will live my life the way I see fit. It is time to make changes.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Feeling better...

Yup, I'm feeling good after writing that down yesterday. I may be able to go through life after all. Of course, I know this feeling maybe temporary but at least I think I may be back on track. I need to keep going because no one is going to do it for me. It's only myself and I.

Monday, 16 December 2013

of walking alone

The only thing worse than going through life is going through it alone. All on your own. I'm not having a lot of faith in my own decisions at the moment so I'm doing my worst. I can't seem to find what I want to do. Well, I know roughly what I want to do most of the time, but I just don't have the strength to pull myself together, especially when I know I have to do it alone.

I hate being alone. I abhor it. I detest it. I can't shake it off.

"If you're out there trying to find the woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you're going to fail".

Although I still believe in love, I am going to stop looking. Because love doesn't agree with me. Because I may be not lovable enough. Because this is a punishment for me. Because I am unlucky. Because I am hideous. Because I am a sad person. Because.

As It Is

It seems that I may have quite a few things in my head these last few months. Heck! Last couple of years is more like it!

Every night I lay on bed thinking I should continue writing my thoughts just so I can heal. I may have lost all of the angst I bottled up during my teens and young adult life. But, I guess I may have accumulated a few new ones that have been bothering me ever since I hooked up with another married woman. Damn! I am a glutton for punishment, aren't I?

The chapter with this one has officially ended and I should just leave her be. But something always brings me back to her. We maintained the friendship and I was brought into her world again and again. Trust me, if I had a choice I would have stopped a long time ago. So I guess I do what most people might have done, and I listen and look out for her because I know she needs a friend.

I have passed that stage where I wanted her back. I have gone through the stage where I was mad at her. I have skipped that part where I was attracted to her. But what's left is just a feeling of pity. For her to live her life where she has to be the strong one, for her to be ridiculed, spat on, and emotionally abused. I hate seeing her being implied she's not good enough up to a point where she actually believed it herself.

I wish she could just be herself. She's like a flower trapped in a deserted garden. I wish I could water her so she could grow to be the beautiful flower that she is. I wish I could help her find her way. I wish she could just be strong enough to get out of the garden. But my wishes are just useless wishes when she herself stops believing.

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

What's the deal?

I have been confused for the last few days.

There was this woman whom I adored and loved in the last couple of years, and I believed I have not fully gotten over her yet. We were in some sort of a relationship for some times until she felt too much pressure and told me she wanted out. To make things more complicated, I see and work with her almost every day of my life.

It was hard, as always, to get back to the old life and carry on as if nothing had happened between us. She said she loves me as a friend and enjoys spending time with me. I was fun, that's what she said.
We had a deal that we would be together until one of us decided to quit.

I knew that somehow this is the life I am destined for. I needed to move forward and stop thinking of her as my beloved. I had to force myself to stop calling her with endearments everytime I speak to her. It was damn hard! I slipped once in a while, I can't help it but I believed I was making a very good progress for the last few months.

I told myself I can only do this if I put a distance between us, and lessen the time we spend together. And that's what I did. It really helped when I was told I had to go abroad for a week. It was great! It will help me heal. When I was away, I didn't call nor do I text her for the first two days. Only on the third day, I texted her. 

The following day, after work, she made a video call and we talked for a few minutes. And the same thing again on the fifth day she video-called me. I thought nothing of these two incidents because it was normal for her to call.

It's been a week since I've been back. The day before yesterday, she asked if she could come to my place and hang out. I was buffled for a while because she hasn't come to my place since last Jan. I told her to come anyway, and yesterday she asked if I could cook something for her. She knows  I like to cook so I told her yes I would cook for her.

She came around 3 and we had late lunch at my apartment. We were supposed to go out for an appointment at 5:30 so I thought nothing of that too. Somehow, things got a bit intimate between us and the rest is history.

Now I am confused. What am I to her?

2 years ago she told me she loved me. We had to be discreet because she has other commitment in life. Then, last year she told me there's nothing more between us. And now this? She was very firm and adamant when she broke my heart, but what happened yesterday was a complete reversal. She initiated it and pursued it.

I laid down at night, alone, and thought what's the deal?

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

To write or not to write?

Wow... It has been almost 3 long years since the previous entry. I didn't know I can last that long. Someone told me that I should keep the blog just in case I feel the need to write again, and I am quite pleased that I followed the advice.

Sometimes I felt that there were so much things in my head and I wanted to write the bits and pieces, but things never materialised due to time constraints. When a person go through rough patches, then the miseries and troubled thoughts needed an outlet. It has been proven, to me anyway, that this blog has helped during those times.

Here's a fact. I write when I am miserable. Then hope to heal.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

of bogus degree

Right, this is the hottest piece of news since early today. It seems that the University of Wales has suspended its involvement with Fazley International College since they found that its Executive Director, 'Dr.' Fazley Yaakob has bogus qualifications. He claims his masters and doctorate qualifications are from European Business School (Cambridge), an offshoot of the Irish International University, which was exposed as a sham by the BBC in 2008.

Wow! I knew it when he declared to the local media he obtained a doctorate some time ago that something wasn't quite right. I questioned it, but at that time my sister said it was rather possible to fast track and get a doctorate and his was only Doctor of Business Administration. I guess my sister knows better, she's a Dr. herself, albeit a real one unlike Fazley. The reason I questioned it was because to me it seems like he didn't spend enough time on thesis and research. He was an artist, too, so where did he find the time?

To earn a PhD, one has to go through a gruesome, mind-boggling, excruciating and time-consuming periods of their life. Some made it in 4 years if they are lucky and intelligent enough, but some have to juggle families and other commitments before they earned the title. And how do I know this, you asked? I've seen my sister went through it. Between research, husband and kids she was exhausted. It was the longest 4 and half years of her life but at the end of it, she deserved every single benefit and title that comes with it.

Guess what? There's more to this drama. In 2004, when he claimed he graduated from IIU the local media published photos of his graduation day. One of the photos showed Fazley with the Mayor of London and a few others. To my knowledge, and believe me I should know this since I was a Londoner during that time, Mayor of London was Ken Livingstone and dear Ken does not look like the 'Mayor' in Fazley's photo! Another bogus one, eh? See for yourself, google Ken or read in wikipedia. He was Mayor of London for 2 terms from 2000 to 2008.

Fazley is, afterall, an entrepreneur and a businessman. He does not need to have a PhD to run his college, unless he was one of the teaching force behind it, which he wasn't. What annoys me is the lies that have been told to gullible people. He built an image of himself as a motivator and model to the young generation in Malaysia especially to the Malays. Some even paid good money to hear him talk at one of the motivational bootcamps or whatever it is that he calls them. Knowing all of these, he still shamelessly use his bogus title for personal and financial benefits, and in doing such has disgrace the nation and the rest of the PhD holders who sweat blood and tears for their hard earned title.

Some are saying that BBC is out to get him and to tarnish his good name as up and coming Malay entrepreneur. How come everything here always comes down to a matter of race? Well, to me, he brought it onto himself, and the BBC coincidently stumbled upon his piece when they went looking for the University of Wales news. Unlucky for him it was his secrets they uncovered but in the end, the truth always prevails.

promises, we break them; and memories, they break us

I thought I was doing better in getting over her. In a way I guess I am a lot better than early this year, but I can’t just bury the feeling and be totally numb, can I?

Last night I came back from meeting a friend and I felt sad and melancholic. It was as if the progress I made at trying to forget that she was ever in my life was halted. It felt like it was only yesterday everything happened and that my world collapsed.

My friend told me of his current love life with some women, and I found that he was in exactly the same situation I was with The One Who Thinks I Was Better Off With A Single Woman. Phew!(TOWTIWBOWASW). I told him that he should be prepared with the obstacles that will come his way and that he knows what to expect from them. I also admitted to him that even though my relationship with TOWTIWBOWASW was the most complicated one, I had such good memories of us together and I loved her with everything that I have.

And it didn’t help that today I decided to give her a call because believe it or not I needed to talk to her. She was my friend first and foremost, then lover and now an ex. I always stand by my word that I couldn’t stay friends with exes but she insisted that she wants to continue our friendship. Who am I to say no to her? Even though it hurts I could never deny her anything. She is my best friend and soul mate, and I knew that I can’t live without her.

So, here I was trying to be indifference to her and continued talking as if we didn’t have a bad break up. She knew what she had done to me and admitted that she feels bad and punishes herself for hurting me. Ah well, what can one say to that? Water under the bridge. And at the end of the day, she is now happy and has gone and got herself a new girlfriend. I want to be above all of that and I am tired of being angry with myself and with her. What’s left of me? Nothing, I guess. They’re all gone.

The sad thing is that I pretended to be cool and cheerful and not affected by her actions. Yet, deep down I am still hurting. I didn’t want to cry but it was a helpless situation. Alone on my bed and accompanied by silence and darkness, my tears started falling on my cheeks after I put the phone down. I thought about her and about the memories I had with her. And I thought oh how cruel life and love have treated me. Nevertheless, when the time comes I know I will forgive her.

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Lesbos vs Lesbian

You know when I first heard that some islanders from Lesbos, an island in Greece, filed a lawsuit against an LGBT group to prevent them from using the term "lesbian", I find it quite funny. Not funny ha ha, but weird kinda funny. Some people just take things too seriously. Chill out mate!

I guess the Greek court was on the same wavelength as I did, eh. They dismissed the lawsuit accusing an LGBT rights group of demeaning the people of the Aegean island of Lesbos by purloining the word Lesbian, a term islanders have used to name themselves for centuries.

You see, they don't have to waste time going to the court. I could have told them they don't stand a chance. The word has been used and adopted into the dictionary worldwide. It's just common sense that the islanders did not have sole claim to the name. Nevertheless, they insist that they may appeal to the European Court. Whatever!

It's a well known fact that Lesbos was the home of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised love between women and often wrote passionate love poems to women. The island is a popular holiday destination for gay women. It's true! Just ask a few of my friends who loved going there in the summer. Ah! Bliss, they say.

Sappho lived from the late 7th to the early 6th century B.C. and is considered one of the greatest poets of antiquity. Very little is known of her life. According to some ancient accounts, she was an aristocrat who married a rich merchant and had a daughter with him. One tradition says that she killed herself by jumping off a cliff over an unhappy love affair.

Dimitris Lambrou one of the litigants in the case said Sappho was not gay. “But even if we assume she was, how can 250,000 people of Lesbian descent – including women – be considered homosexual?”

Tsk tsk... I didn't realise that Lesbians (I mean the people of Lesbos) are lacking intelligence. A lot, and I mean A LOT, of ancient lesbians were married and had children and still managed to have same sex relationship. It's something that is widely practised even today. Ever heard of closeted lesbians? Or double lives?

Lambrou also denied the suit was homophobic. “The word lesbian has been associated with gay women for the past few decades but we have been Lesbians for thousands of years,” he said.

Hahaha... now, that is funny!

the third sex

"Lesbian" derives from the name of the island of Lesbos which was famous for the poetess Sappho, who wrote love poetry to female lovers. Not much of Sappho's poetry remains, but that which does reflects the topics she wrote about: women's daily lives, their relationships, and rituals. She focused on the beauty of women and proclaimed her love for girls. Before the late 19th century, the word lesbian referred to any derivative or aspect of Lesbos, including a type of wine.

Lesbians in western cultures in particular often classify themselves as having an identity that defines their individual sexuality, as well as their membership to a group that shares common traits. Some women who engage in homosexual behavior may reject the lesbian identity entirely, refusing to identify themselves as lesbian or biseuxual.

For some women, the realization that they participated in behavior or relationships that could be categorized as lesbian caused them to deny or conceal it. Other women, however, embraced the distinction and used their uniqueness to set themselves apart from heterosexual women and gay men.
The varied meanings of lesbian since the early 20th century has prompted some historians to revisit historic relationships between women before the wide usage of the word was defined by erotic proclivities. Discussion from historians caused further questioning of what qualifies as a lesbian relationship.
Female homosexuality has not received the same negative response from religious or criminal authorities as male homosexuality or adultery has throughout history. Whereas sodomy between men, men and women, and men and animals was punishable by death in Britain, acknowledgment of sexual contact between women was nonexistent in medical and legal texts. The earliest law against female homosexuality appeared in France in 1270
During the 17th through 19th centuries, a woman expressing passionate love for another woman was fashionable, accepted, and encouraged. These relationships were termed romantic friendships, Boston marriages, or "sentimental friends", and were common in the U.S., Europe, and especially in England.
Documentation of these relationships is possible by a large volume of letters written between women. Whether the relationship included any genital component was not a matter for public discourse, but women could form strong and exclusive bonds with each other and still be considered virtuous, innocent, and chaste; a similar relationship with a man would have destroyed a woman's reputation. In fact, these relationships were promoted as alternatives to and practice for a woman's marriage to a man.
One such relationship was between Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, who wrote to Anne Wortley in 1709: "Nobody was so entirely, so faithfully yours ... I put in your lovers, for I don't allow it possible for a man to be so sincere as I am."
Similarly, English poet Anna Seward had a devoted friendship to Honora Sneyd, who was the subject of many of Seward's sonnets and poems. When Sneyd married despite Seward's protest, Seward's poems became angry. However, Seward continued to write about Sneyd long after her death, extolling Sneyd's beauty and their affection and friendship.
Perhaps the most famous of these romantic friendships was between Eleanor Butler and Sarah Ponsonby, nicknamed the Ladies of Llangollen. Butler and Ponsonby eloped in 1778, to the relief of Ponsonby's family (concerned about their reputation had she run away with a man) to live together in Wales for 51 years and be thought of as eccentrics. Their story was considered "the epitome of virtuous romantic friendship" .
Romantic friendships were also popular in the U.S. Enigmatic poet Emily Dickinson wrote over 300 letters and poems to Susan Gilbert, who later became her sister-in-law, and engaged in another romantic correspondence with Kate Scott Anthon. Anthon broke off their relationship the same month Dickinson entered self-imposed lifelong seclusion.
Nearby in Hartford, Connecticut, African American freeborn women Addie Brown and Rebecca Primus left evidence of their passion in letters: "No kisses is like yours". In Georgia, Alice Baldy wrote to Josie Varner in 1870, "Do you know that if you touch me, or speak to me there is not a nerve of fibre in my body that does not respond with a thrill of delight?"
Around the turn of the 20th century the development of higher education provided opportunities for women. In all-female surroundings, a culture of romantic pursuit was fostered in women's colleges. Older students mentored younger ones, called on them socially, took them to all-women dances, and sent them flowers, cards, and poems that declared their undying love for each other.
Women who had the option of a career instead of marriage labeled themselves New Women, and took their new opportunities very seriously. This period was labelld as "the last breath of innocence" before 1920 when characterizations of female affection were connected to sexuality, marking lesbians as a unique and often unflattering group. 
** Excerpts from Wikipedia