Wednesday 10 November 2010

of bogus degree

Right, this is the hottest piece of news since early today. It seems that the University of Wales has suspended its involvement with Fazley International College since they found that its Executive Director, 'Dr.' Fazley Yaakob has bogus qualifications. He claims his masters and doctorate qualifications are from European Business School (Cambridge), an offshoot of the Irish International University, which was exposed as a sham by the BBC in 2008.

Wow! I knew it when he declared to the local media he obtained a doctorate some time ago that something wasn't quite right. I questioned it, but at that time my sister said it was rather possible to fast track and get a doctorate and his was only Doctor of Business Administration. I guess my sister knows better, she's a Dr. herself, albeit a real one unlike Fazley. The reason I questioned it was because to me it seems like he didn't spend enough time on thesis and research. He was an artist, too, so where did he find the time?

To earn a PhD, one has to go through a gruesome, mind-boggling, excruciating and time-consuming periods of their life. Some made it in 4 years if they are lucky and intelligent enough, but some have to juggle families and other commitments before they earned the title. And how do I know this, you asked? I've seen my sister went through it. Between research, husband and kids she was exhausted. It was the longest 4 and half years of her life but at the end of it, she deserved every single benefit and title that comes with it.

Guess what? There's more to this drama. In 2004, when he claimed he graduated from IIU the local media published photos of his graduation day. One of the photos showed Fazley with the Mayor of London and a few others. To my knowledge, and believe me I should know this since I was a Londoner during that time, Mayor of London was Ken Livingstone and dear Ken does not look like the 'Mayor' in Fazley's photo! Another bogus one, eh? See for yourself, google Ken or read in wikipedia. He was Mayor of London for 2 terms from 2000 to 2008.

Fazley is, afterall, an entrepreneur and a businessman. He does not need to have a PhD to run his college, unless he was one of the teaching force behind it, which he wasn't. What annoys me is the lies that have been told to gullible people. He built an image of himself as a motivator and model to the young generation in Malaysia especially to the Malays. Some even paid good money to hear him talk at one of the motivational bootcamps or whatever it is that he calls them. Knowing all of these, he still shamelessly use his bogus title for personal and financial benefits, and in doing such has disgrace the nation and the rest of the PhD holders who sweat blood and tears for their hard earned title.

Some are saying that BBC is out to get him and to tarnish his good name as up and coming Malay entrepreneur. How come everything here always comes down to a matter of race? Well, to me, he brought it onto himself, and the BBC coincidently stumbled upon his piece when they went looking for the University of Wales news. Unlucky for him it was his secrets they uncovered but in the end, the truth always prevails.

promises, we break them; and memories, they break us

I thought I was doing better in getting over her. In a way I guess I am a lot better than early this year, but I can’t just bury the feeling and be totally numb, can I?


Last night I came back from meeting a friend and I felt sad and melancholic. It was as if the progress I made at trying to forget that she was ever in my life was halted. It felt like it was only yesterday everything happened and that my world collapsed.

My friend told me of his current love life with some women, and I found that he was in exactly the same situation I was with The One Who Thinks I Was Better Off With A Single Woman. Phew!(TOWTIWBOWASW). I told him that he should be prepared with the obstacles that will come his way and that he knows what to expect from them. I also admitted to him that even though my relationship with TOWTIWBOWASW was the most complicated one, I had such good memories of us together and I loved her with everything that I have.

And it didn’t help that today I decided to give her a call because believe it or not I needed to talk to her. She was my friend first and foremost, then lover and now an ex. I always stand by my word that I couldn’t stay friends with exes but she insisted that she wants to continue our friendship. Who am I to say no to her? Even though it hurts I could never deny her anything. She is my best friend and soul mate, and I knew that I can’t live without her.

So, here I was trying to be indifference to her and continued talking as if we didn’t have a bad break up. She knew what she had done to me and admitted that she feels bad and punishes herself for hurting me. Ah well, what can one say to that? Water under the bridge. And at the end of the day, she is now happy and has gone and got herself a new girlfriend. I want to be above all of that and I am tired of being angry with myself and with her. What’s left of me? Nothing, I guess. They’re all gone.

The sad thing is that I pretended to be cool and cheerful and not affected by her actions. Yet, deep down I am still hurting. I didn’t want to cry but it was a helpless situation. Alone on my bed and accompanied by silence and darkness, my tears started falling on my cheeks after I put the phone down. I thought about her and about the memories I had with her. And I thought oh how cruel life and love have treated me. Nevertheless, when the time comes I know I will forgive her.

Saturday 30 October 2010

Lesbos vs Lesbian

You know when I first heard that some islanders from Lesbos, an island in Greece, filed a lawsuit against an LGBT group to prevent them from using the term "lesbian", I find it quite funny. Not funny ha ha, but weird kinda funny. Some people just take things too seriously. Chill out mate!


I guess the Greek court was on the same wavelength as I did, eh. They dismissed the lawsuit accusing an LGBT rights group of demeaning the people of the Aegean island of Lesbos by purloining the word Lesbian, a term islanders have used to name themselves for centuries.


You see, they don't have to waste time going to the court. I could have told them they don't stand a chance. The word has been used and adopted into the dictionary worldwide. It's just common sense that the islanders did not have sole claim to the name. Nevertheless, they insist that they may appeal to the European Court. Whatever!

It's a well known fact that Lesbos was the home of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised love between women and often wrote passionate love poems to women. The island is a popular holiday destination for gay women. It's true! Just ask a few of my friends who loved going there in the summer. Ah! Bliss, they say.

Sappho lived from the late 7th to the early 6th century B.C. and is considered one of the greatest poets of antiquity. Very little is known of her life. According to some ancient accounts, she was an aristocrat who married a rich merchant and had a daughter with him. One tradition says that she killed herself by jumping off a cliff over an unhappy love affair.


Dimitris Lambrou one of the litigants in the case said Sappho was not gay. “But even if we assume she was, how can 250,000 people of Lesbian descent – including women – be considered homosexual?”


Tsk tsk... I didn't realise that Lesbians (I mean the people of Lesbos) are lacking intelligence. A lot, and I mean A LOT, of ancient lesbians were married and had children and still managed to have same sex relationship. It's something that is widely practised even today. Ever heard of closeted lesbians? Or double lives?


Lambrou also denied the suit was homophobic. “The word lesbian has been associated with gay women for the past few decades but we have been Lesbians for thousands of years,” he said.


Hahaha... now, that is funny!

the third sex

"Lesbian" derives from the name of the island of Lesbos which was famous for the poetess Sappho, who wrote love poetry to female lovers. Not much of Sappho's poetry remains, but that which does reflects the topics she wrote about: women's daily lives, their relationships, and rituals. She focused on the beauty of women and proclaimed her love for girls. Before the late 19th century, the word lesbian referred to any derivative or aspect of Lesbos, including a type of wine.

Lesbians in western cultures in particular often classify themselves as having an identity that defines their individual sexuality, as well as their membership to a group that shares common traits. Some women who engage in homosexual behavior may reject the lesbian identity entirely, refusing to identify themselves as lesbian or biseuxual.

For some women, the realization that they participated in behavior or relationships that could be categorized as lesbian caused them to deny or conceal it. Other women, however, embraced the distinction and used their uniqueness to set themselves apart from heterosexual women and gay men.
The varied meanings of lesbian since the early 20th century has prompted some historians to revisit historic relationships between women before the wide usage of the word was defined by erotic proclivities. Discussion from historians caused further questioning of what qualifies as a lesbian relationship.
 
Female homosexuality has not received the same negative response from religious or criminal authorities as male homosexuality or adultery has throughout history. Whereas sodomy between men, men and women, and men and animals was punishable by death in Britain, acknowledgment of sexual contact between women was nonexistent in medical and legal texts. The earliest law against female homosexuality appeared in France in 1270
 
During the 17th through 19th centuries, a woman expressing passionate love for another woman was fashionable, accepted, and encouraged. These relationships were termed romantic friendships, Boston marriages, or "sentimental friends", and were common in the U.S., Europe, and especially in England.
 
Documentation of these relationships is possible by a large volume of letters written between women. Whether the relationship included any genital component was not a matter for public discourse, but women could form strong and exclusive bonds with each other and still be considered virtuous, innocent, and chaste; a similar relationship with a man would have destroyed a woman's reputation. In fact, these relationships were promoted as alternatives to and practice for a woman's marriage to a man.
 
One such relationship was between Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, who wrote to Anne Wortley in 1709: "Nobody was so entirely, so faithfully yours ... I put in your lovers, for I don't allow it possible for a man to be so sincere as I am."
 
Similarly, English poet Anna Seward had a devoted friendship to Honora Sneyd, who was the subject of many of Seward's sonnets and poems. When Sneyd married despite Seward's protest, Seward's poems became angry. However, Seward continued to write about Sneyd long after her death, extolling Sneyd's beauty and their affection and friendship.
 
Perhaps the most famous of these romantic friendships was between Eleanor Butler and Sarah Ponsonby, nicknamed the Ladies of Llangollen. Butler and Ponsonby eloped in 1778, to the relief of Ponsonby's family (concerned about their reputation had she run away with a man) to live together in Wales for 51 years and be thought of as eccentrics. Their story was considered "the epitome of virtuous romantic friendship" .
 
Romantic friendships were also popular in the U.S. Enigmatic poet Emily Dickinson wrote over 300 letters and poems to Susan Gilbert, who later became her sister-in-law, and engaged in another romantic correspondence with Kate Scott Anthon. Anthon broke off their relationship the same month Dickinson entered self-imposed lifelong seclusion.
 
Nearby in Hartford, Connecticut, African American freeborn women Addie Brown and Rebecca Primus left evidence of their passion in letters: "No kisses is like yours". In Georgia, Alice Baldy wrote to Josie Varner in 1870, "Do you know that if you touch me, or speak to me there is not a nerve of fibre in my body that does not respond with a thrill of delight?"
 
Around the turn of the 20th century the development of higher education provided opportunities for women. In all-female surroundings, a culture of romantic pursuit was fostered in women's colleges. Older students mentored younger ones, called on them socially, took them to all-women dances, and sent them flowers, cards, and poems that declared their undying love for each other.
 
Women who had the option of a career instead of marriage labeled themselves New Women, and took their new opportunities very seriously. This period was labelld as "the last breath of innocence" before 1920 when characterizations of female affection were connected to sexuality, marking lesbians as a unique and often unflattering group. 
 
 
** Excerpts from Wikipedia

Thursday 28 October 2010

femme vs butch

% of each type in general population

SOFT ANDROGYNE

Your score placed you in the category of Soft Androgyne. This is the "steel magnolia" type. You may also wish to review Strong Femme and Androgyne, the two categories surrounding you. In a ranking across the femme/butch gamut, if 1 is femme and 100 is butch, you fall between 41 and 47 on the scale. For a review of where you fall in the overall population in numbers, refer to this chart. Your group is a large part of the 35-45 age group for the most part and has a wide mix of genders and orientations.

*mmmm... some of them are true but others are touch and go.

--------------------------------------------


For most of your life and social interaction, you don't really see yourself as either butch or femme, but if pressed into a corner, you react more femme than butch. You prefer to seek aid rather than solve your problems on your own, and prefer to give aid rather than to encourage someone to stand on their own feet. You're fairly well balanced over all, with the occasional weakness you haven't quite yet conquered.

Education is important to you, as you see knowledge as a key to independence and freedom, and you tend to have a higher educational level than your peers, either formally or by self-teaching. You read a lot, and a varied assortment of genres, enjoying cartoons as much as heavy psych drama. Biography, however, bores you. You like historical anecdotes but are not very good at memorizing dates, having a more general sense of time.

Your home is a roof for you and not a showplace. Order is optional. You cook if you have to and are efficient at it but really don't like to bother. You prefer to be fed. You like small dogs or big cats and the occasional hamster.

You enjoy a fairly strong butch for a partner, along the lines of a Feminist or Classic Butch, and take on other Androgynes as friends. Family is not terribly important to you, and odds are good you came from a home where that was not the primary issue. You may have a good, but distant relation with your family, or may not be in touch at all, but it's pretty certain you don't live with them unless you have to, or in the same city.

Wednesday 27 October 2010

of lost love

I want to understand how it is you can say you love someone so much and then walk right out of her life?

I want you to know that there hasn’t been a moment that you weren’t on her mind.

I want to know why you left her?

Her chest tighten from hurting so much and her eyes red from crying for you. Was it too late to fix it?

You would always have her heart. You're the other half of her soul.

How could you?

Friday 15 October 2010

not new but kinda new

I know I can run yet I can't hide forever. These were my random thoughts and feelings of my alter-ego that was kept away.

I love reading fan-fictions and hurt/comfort themes so here are my versions. Am I pathetic? A freak? Fucked up? Well, maybe.

These are the things that makes me me. Geddit?

taste of fire and hell

I died and thought I’ve gone to Heaven. Alas, I had a taste of Hell and now I am alive, once again. What curse bequeathed to me for I shall be burnt whilst I breathe?

Friday 27 August 2010

from a daughter to parents

When I was growing up, I never heard about gays and lesbians. My parents were clueless too, I think. I always felt different. I knew from an early age that I would never marry a man.

During primary school, at my young age, I developed crushes on many of the girls. I thought nothing of them. It wasn't until college when I finally learned what "gay" was. You may think that I grew up in some long ago decade, but surprisingly, I grew up in the late 1980s and 1990s. I was in the dark. I didn't accept myself until I was in my 30s, but by then a lot of damages have been done to the state of my mind.

My parents, however, have both long gone when I finally acknowledged myself so in a way I consider myself lucky. But there are too many youth and young women out there who are not so lucky.

I learned the harsh truth that love is not unconditional, there's always a "but" at the end of a sentence. Parents may claim to love us, but they love the person they think we were and the person they hope we will be.

Sunday 15 August 2010

silenced screams

A look from you is as blinding as the sun,
As stunning as your eyes I lose myself in.
A look from you is as pure as the clear blue sky,
As isolating and binding as the ties I'm in,
When I'm with you.

Every minute I'm not around you,
I feel like I left something behind.
Every time I'm not looking at you,
I feel like I am blind.

A smile from you is as electrifying as the moon,
As beautiful as the moonlight that shimmers off your skin.
A smile from you is as calming as the stars in the sky,
As cruelly wonderful as the world I'm in,
When I'm with you.

For you are the star in my life
An angel in the sky
What do I have to sacrifice?
For you, I would die.

I've tried, but I can't fly
No use, just hurting me more
You're my angel in the sky
Here I am, tied to the floor.

You leave me here, standing in the rain
You leave me here, staring at the sky
You leave me here, in darkness and pain
You leave me here, all alone to die.

I'm soaked in blood of shattered dreams
I'm drenched in tears of silenced screams
Looking at the stars in the sky
They're like scars, making me cry.

For you are the star in my life
You fell from the sky
What do I have to sacrifice?
For you, I die.

Thursday 5 August 2010

dearest

I sincerely hope that you are well and truly happy. I know you are such a vibrant, caring and positive person who loves your life. However I cannot say the same for myself.

I don’t know who I was anymore. You told me that you want me to find someone single and be happy. I don't have the yearning to find that person. You tell me now, what is the point of all that when I lost my anchor? I lost direction when you told me you don’t want me anymore. But still, I kept searching for your astonishingly beautiful eyes, your soft hands and your soothing voice so that you can guide me back to where I belong and get back all that I have lost. I still want the same.

You know me better than I know myself, so how can one let one’s soul mate getting lost without direction? I don’t know what happiness is anymore. I don’t laugh, I don’t joke and I don’t enjoy life like I did with you. You took away everything with you when you left me broken. I miss you terribly. I never stopped thinking about you every day, but knowing that you don’t want me and that you have someone new hurt even more. It was as if it just happened yesterday.

I still have the same intensity of feelings when I looked at you. You are the most attractive woman and surprisingly my body started shaking when I look at your photo. Silly me, I thought time will help. It might have helped you but it didn’t do one bit for me. I know. You don’t want to hear all these.

I was angry at you for giving up on me, for giving up on us. You’re my rock and you’re supposed to believe in me. But deep down I know it’s not your fault. I had all I ever wanted but things were against me. Not a single day has passed without me blaming myself for my own stupidity. On contrary to what you think, I don't have the desire to bring you down or ruin your life. I would rather bleed for you than see you go through it.

So, you told me you're in love. I am happy for you. No, I lie. I am miserable and I don't think it's fair that I suffer. But then again, you know that I will always do everything for you. Well, remember the phrase 'no problem'? I can only hope she appreciates you more than I do.

I guess I will continue my journey alone. I hope that I will never experience heartbreak ever again because I don't think I'll survive next time. At least I have myself and that's for forever. Now all I want is to find solace so that I can carry on living.

Tuesday 3 August 2010

ironic

No more laughter. No more smiles. Since you left me.

Soul mates aren't we, but you casted me aside? And now you have another. Ironic isn't it?

In the beginning you kept saying that one day I would be the first to leave. Ironic, again, eh?

Help me God. I don't want to hurt anymore. I am tired. I wish I can tell my heart to stop feeling, but I can't. I can only continue living, hidden behind empty smiles.

I know you're happy, and I'm happy for you. I wish you no harms. I would rather bleed than hurt you. So, the knife twisted deeper.

Saturday 31 July 2010

the arms of sorrow

Imprisoned
Inside this mind
Hiding behind the empty smiles
So simple (the anguish)
As it mocks me
Crawling back into the dark
Running, always running into the distance
Stop me before I bleed, again
The echoes on my voice follow me down
The shadows I cast, follow me down

Deeper I am falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

There must be serenity
The echoes of my voice
Follow me down
The shadows I cast
Follow me down

Deeper I am falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

The demons of my own demise
This horror must not remain

Deeper I am falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow
There must be serenity
I will live this life!

W.Shakespeare

Saturday 26 June 2010

infinite sadness

I die on the day I was born.

My heart breaks in tiny million pieces. It never stopped. My shattered life and my broken dreams. I don't know who I am anymore.

Forever. Soulmate. Hah! Not mine. Everyone leaves. Let me be. So leave! Forget about me. Who fucking care? Not him, not her and definitely not you!

Kick me while I'm down, why don't you? Go on, be happy!

Friday 9 April 2010

if

if lips are made for kissing,
why can't I kiss you?
If arms are made for holding,
why can't I hold you?
If voice are made for talking,
why can't I say my feelings?
If ears are made for listening,
why can't you listen to my heart?

Sunday 7 February 2010

crash and burn

I never thought that one day my heart would go through it again. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. You gave me heart and took me higher, then you crashed me and left me wounded.

How can I still love you? How can I never be mad at you? How can I still want you?

Please, please God save me.

Thursday 7 January 2010

go away

The pain is so great that I have no words for it. Days and nights I just wish for it to go.

I am not worth anything.

Pain. Just go away and leave me alone