Googlism for: ewok

ewok is 16 inches tall and is made exactly like paploo/latara
ewok is great
ewok is cool and esher
ewok is sweet only she doesn't always want to be petted
ewok is nothing but mush
ewok is frightened
ewok is not once spoken in the film
ewok is going bi
ewok is best with adults and kids above 9 years old
ewok is very currious about the parties past
ewok is force sensitive
ewok is one of a kind
ewok is a sweet and very cute girl
ewok is alive and kicking
ewok is awesome

serak but not basah

The day we went to dinner up the tree house at Naili's, I sang like a baffoon. Ahakssss... I know myself so I won't say I have suara emas. Don't bother betting on me.

Dinner was good and the conversation was even better. It's a place where you can just be you, with all the flaws out in the open. You see, I don't see myself as near perfect (because no one is perfect anyway). I am so insecured that I don't even care to admit it. I just live on.

I have a problem being in a group of strangers. I do not know how to.. errm.. talk. I find it hard to make small talk. I don' think that I am unfriendly but some would see me that way because I dislike talking to people about myself. I see no point of opening up to those I hardly know and I do not know how to 'menyampuk' in a conversation as PS put it. She has been my coach since I've been back. Sometimes I follow her advice, but most of the times I'm just not bothered.

There were times when I think that my communication problem will have a major impact on my jodoh. Tu lah, I know I sewel. Deep down I was afraid that I would not meet someone or when I met him, I would be too scared to open my mouth. Either way I might lose out. He could be right in front of me but how would I know? Sigh.

When Mak passed away exactly 10 years ago today, it was unexpected, on my side anyway. I wasn't ready. Fast forward to now, I think I know what to expect. I know that even the most able-bodied may be dead the next day, but the truth is I am still scared to lose people I care for. To grief till my heart bleeds. Tak sanggup, but my heart doesn't know that. I am weak and too soft, and when I love, I love.

That, however, leads me to another insecurity. How would you know that you're loved by those whom you love? Am I worth everything for them to fight my battle with me, or at least hold my hands when I'm down? Do I show or tell I love them in return for the reassurance that they feel the same? One look at me, people used to assume that I was serious and tough, that I do not know how to love. Well, ok, maybe I do not know how to show my affection but that doesn't mean I do not care.

You know what intrigues me is the way some people are intimidated by physical look, which in my case is my eyes. Yes, they're so big that they could pop out any time. However, it has been 31 years and they're still there. When I listen attentively, I was told that my eyes become even bigger, though I don't feel any difference. I have to tolerate myself for having my eyes, what else can I do, right? I just wish sometimes people stop saying 'waaa mata you niii.....' Hah! Mata I ni apa?

I should add singing as one of my many flaws. I can't sing to save myself. But do you think I care? Of course not. Once, I entered a competition for Zone Alor Setar many light years ago. Mak aii... the judges must be deaf to let me thru to the semis. I sang lagu rock kapak. I think it was Sentuhan Kecundang or was it Pusara di Lebuhraya? I admit I cannot get enough of these songs. I'm such an otai that I can still remember the lyrics. Girls... so sorry to torture you that night with my rendition of rock ballards. Hancus!

These last few weeks, however, have been really good. I am able to see a bigger picture of myself. I may not be clever but I listen a lot and I observe more. I accept my fears and I acknowledge that there will be times when my self-esteem at the lowest. All I have is my strength and heart to help pull me back. Things that are out of my control I will leave them to God. Jodoh dan ajal are not for me to fret. With the new family law, I say run fast before they catch you for prey.

I have just one more day. I shall miss you. A lot.

tergigit lidah

Masik = masak nasik

Lojong Taib = Lorong Haji Taib

Terah = terang & cerah

Hasam = hari semalam

flood in the house

Everyone must have known about the flood in the north and east coast. Last night I spoke to Aci. She lives near Jitra, one of the worst affected areas but her new house was spared from the disaster. Unfortunately, our family house in AS is among the many thousand houses affected.

No one lives in that house nor we have lotsa stuffs in it. Since Aci and family moved out almost a year ago, nobody wants to occupy it. The bros now have their own place and I, well, I don't come back too often anyway. Even when Aci was there, that place was in a serious condition, to put it mildly.

A complete makeover or renovation won't be worth it. We have discussed among us that the best way is to tear down the whole structure and build a new one. It's heavily infected by termites, cockroaches and rats. And when I heard about the flood, I knew that our house would suffer the worst in the kampong.

Over the years, people around us has been renovating their houses, yet, we have done nothing. In a way, this has affected the level of the soil as they lifted the house to a higher ground leaving ours on the same level as before. It is so bad that everytime there was a heavy rain, ours would be the only one that have flash flood.

To say that I am sad is an understatement. I am gutted. That's the place where I grew up and spent half my life. That's the place where I first learned how to ride a bike. A homely place where I learned things from my mum. I had my first crush with Abang M and spent time daydreaming after seeing him walked pass the house. It's a place where I played all the childhood games like tengteng, tuju kasut etc. And we always had constant supplies of mangos and jambus from around the house. I always have fond memories of it.

Now, it's nothing more than a rundown house that is ready to collapse any time. Old cupboards have been eaten up by termites, windows and doors on top have fallen apart and the ceiling on the lower level has too many holes to count. Bird nests and cobwebs are everywhere. And now the flood water up above my knees has filled the house.

Once a upon a time, it was a glorious house.

I am embarassed. For leaving the house that way. For not doing anything. For not feeling connected anymore. For staying away.

I know what we have to do. I have a vision for that land. What I don't have is money. For now, it will have to stay as it is even though my heart cries every time I think of it.

kampongku syurgaku

Masa saya balik kampong baru baru ni, saya rasa syok betoi. Memanglah saya balik sat saja tapi saya rasa, silaturrahim antara kami sekeluarga makin erat dan kuat.

Time ghaya dulu, saya lepak kat ghumah kakak saya tapi kali ni saya tidoq kat ghumah abang saya, Na, pulak. Na dah plan awai2 lagi nak bawak kami pi mengai ikan kat kampong dekat rumah abang2 saya Acik and Ateh. Budak2 tu apa lagi, memang syok habih la sebab dapat terjun bendang.

Ye lah. Orang la ni tak bagi anak main selut sebab jenuh nak kena cuci nanti, tapi kali ni depa bagi green light plak. Maybe sebab saya ada kot, and dah lama tak main kotorq and rasa hidup kampong ni kan. Anak2 menakan saya semuanya excited gila and semua sebok cari mata kai and umpan cacing.

Kami anak beranak, tak kira pompuan ka laki semua turun bendang and aloq tu. Masa nak bubuh umpan cacing tu..... Eeeewwww saya geli gila tengok cacing ngan ulat yang depa korek tu.
Tak sanggup saya nak cucuk kat pancing saya. Last skali, saya suruh anak menakan saya Hakeem tulung bubuh kan. Hakeem ni baru darjah 1. Hahahaaaa... buat malu saja. depa semua gelak kat saya. eesssh tak kisah lah kan. Janji we had fun.

Ada la anak menakan saya yang pompuan2 tu menjerit-jerit sebab geli, boy cousins bukan nak tulung sangat sampai saya pulak yang terpaksa bubuh umpan ulat kat kail depa ni.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... geli siot! tapi saya pejam mata sajalah. Ulat tu siap kodek kodek plak masa saya tengah pegang. Urrrggghhhhhhhhh...

Bila dah senja baru kami balik rumah. Between 8 of us, kami dapat 20 ekoq ikan puyu, 5 ikan ghuan and 2 ekoq sepat. Waaahhh!!! saya syok giler lah sebab saya memang suka makan puyu ni. Favorite tu. Abang2 and kakak saya tak makan ikan darat ni. Pasai apa pun saya tak tau. Depa syok tangkap saja. Saya lah yang untung. Hehehehe...

Dlm gelap lah saya siang ikan2 tu. Dah la gelap, pastu nyamuk pun banyak. Habis kena ketit kiri kanan ataih bawah. Nasib baik lah anak menakan saya ada dok suluh toslet. Suruh depa tulung pun depa kata tak tau nak besiang ikan. Amboiiii budak2 ni. Dok kat kampong tapi siang ikan pun tak tau. Macam mana ni? Saya dulu umoq 12 tahun dah tau masak gulai ikan dah. Habih la depa kena kitai ngan saya. Basuh cukup cukup. Jgn nak harap mak pak buat semua benda. Kecik2 lah kena belajaq. Aparaaaa.

Acik pulak masa tu tengah sebok dok bakaq ikan temenung sampai 40 ekoq. Dinner malam tu memang saya rasa the best lah I had with my family. Ada ulam pucuk kadok, daun ubi, sambai belacan, gulai ikan bendi, ikan bakaq and puyu goreng. Adoiiii...simple yet very the sedap one. Rasa macam tak puaih saja. Tak tau bila buleh buat cam tu lagi. Tahun depan saya rasa macam tak balik saja. Memang lah tak sure lagi, tapi kalau ikut kiraan poket saya, macam tak mampu. Tengok lah nanti. Insyaallah, ada rezeki nanti nampaklah batang idung saya yang kemek ni.

when we were young...

I went home to see the family for the last time.

Sis in law, Ky picked me up from the airport, and my nieces and nephews, as always, were ecstatic to see me home. I have no shame to say that I am their favorite aunt. Hehehe... The one and only who manja all 13 of them.

However, Saturday nite was spent with friends. Initially, we plan to go to Padang Besar in the morning. I don't really have anything I want to get and because my flight was delayed, they left without me. Over dinner, Derk and Kec were telling me about the sceneries near ladang tebu in Chuping.

"Betul Wok, lawa giler. Aku tak sangka Perlis ada gak tempat cam ni"

"Tak yah gi overseas. Macam kat Queensland, and you have to see the oasis," according to Kec.

They showed a few pictures taken with their phones, and I have to admit that that pique me more. Obviously, I had to see this place so I pursuaded them to take me there.

Unlike me, my friends cannot go out so freely, be it during the day or night. They have inquisitive mothers who would screen every movement even though they're already married, especially Kec. Sometimes we laughed over this because she feels like she's still a kid instead of a woman in her 30s. Her mom wanted to see me but I avoided her because I know she would ask me to come home and be a teacher, just like her 3 daughters. No, thank you mam! And Derk's mom would always say "Tu nak pi tang mana? Nak pi perabih duit lagi lah tu."

Anyway, we managed to arrange for the trip since they kelentong their moms. Hehe.. that's my friends!

We left early Sunday morning and had breakfast on the go. The views are not too bad, but really, the weather didn't help. It was too bright. It would be excellent if we had dark cloud as in pre-rain. However, it was quite a good view at the viewing deck overlooking the sugarcane plantation.

The best thing about the trip is, however, not the sceneries. It is the quality time that we spent together. More like we reconnect all over again and it was so good to laugh ourselves silly. Just like all the fun times we had when we were young and adventurous. Mind you, I am still young and adventurous! But the things we did, we only have the memories to hold on to. Like the time when all 3 of us decided to shave our head, the all-girl fishing trips, the driving classes in the middle of the night and the cycling trips down Katy Trail. Aahhhhh...

It was so good that we decided to drive all the way to Padang Besar and I ended up shopping for the things I don't need. No regrets though. On the way home, I told them we should have a girlie trip every time I come home. It'd be fun, girls!

Lesson # 241: Next time, don't assume. Listen and be heard.

Tomorrow, I am off balik kampung again until the 13th. My flight back to the UK is confirmed on the 30th Dec, but I told my family that this will be the last time I'd be back. I simply don't have the strength to go back and forth frequently. And I do feel I want to spend more time here in KL.

Oh! I have yet to write about the first time I saw the whole clan after I came back, without my tudung. Though my sister has seen me without one last April, I didn't know whether she told the bros. I seriously didn't know what to expect.

I can't say that the bros are alim, but they are good practising Muslims. Na, especially, carries out his life ikut sunnah, if he can. He talks about hadis and wears lebai somemore. Initially I thought that he would be the one to strike against me. Or at least he would advise me to reconsider putting it back on. He did neither. He didn't even ask me the reason.

All these while I felt like I couldn't face them. I assume that they would be mad at me, therefore I isolated myself and zipped my lips on this matter. Now I realised it was a wasted effort. They are more understanding, more accommodating and more relaxed than I thought.

beautiful pontianak

A few of my friends have been telling me that I should watch Pontianak HSM II (No. 2), but I had to refrain myself because I hadn't watch the first one. I didn't want to be clueless. Btw, I found out from minamona's blog that HSM is a flower. Oh wow! That's new to me.

Yesterday, I finally found a copy of PHSM (No. 1) among the dusty vcds kept in the drawer. Three quarter into the first cd, suddenly there was a blackout. I wouldn't go into details of this problem, but obviously I got a little bit frustrated. I had to wait until today before I finished the whole movie, and by that I time, I was due to meet PS and Aces at Midvalley for the second installment.

I am impressed with No. 1. Not many Malay films offer interesting outlook in a new dimension and elaborate the depth to such details. I am sure there are flaws but I hardly noticed any (I'm bias when I like something).

In No. 2, a lot of the flashbacks may be a little bit confusing to those who tried to recall No. 1, but lucky me, they're still fresh in my memory. Everything looks very promising until halfway into the movie. The plot is, in my opinion, weak and a little bit off. Too much information to digest. As I watched more, I feel that there is no need for the producer/director to explain the scenes i.e. Meriam's Revenge, The Awakening. To me, it looks like as if they doubt the intelligence of the audience by trying to explain things in writing. If you get it, you get it. If you don't, tough!

I especially like the kuda kepang dances. Beautifully done. It does look real and in fact, I was told that these actually happened during performances. Kena rasuk they say.

All in all, hats off to the director. It's unfair to compare with other movies because different directors have their own ways and interpretation, yet I have to say that PHSM (No 1) has all the right ingredients for best film, even better than Sepet. No 2, however, is slightly behind.

These are good Malay films that I enjoy. I, as always, found that my cheeks are wet from the very beginning. Sad what... I kesian the pontianak. I would seek for revenge too if I were in her position. No way I'm gonna let them loose. I dendam sampai mati. Anyone violate my trust, hurt and betray me, you have been warned!

the devil temptation

Some people have been asking me about my previous blog and the reason I deleted it. You see, I only shifted the url and left it floating on the internet, but I wanted to think it over about the future of it (I often wonder whether blogs have future).

After almost two months, I decided to put it back up where it used to be, but apparently blogspot had a different idea. I couldn't use the old url and after a few hours of trying, I got really fed up and mad. It was spur of a moment. This morning, I felt sad because it's no longer there. I put such an effort in it and I loved every single thing I did to it. Ah well.

Lately, I am tempted to smoke. It all started when I went to dinner with Honeytar and Peanut. We reminisced about the crazy things we did in our younger years when suddenly I felt the urge. I haven't had one since April 2005. I didn't want to succumb to my urges so I managed to fight the nafsu. It wasn't so difficult.

I thought that the need for a smoke is just temporarily, yet I had the same urge for the last 3 days. It didn't help that I have a zippo lookalike in my bag. Today, I reckon the temptation was so much bigger and I long for the tabacco smell on my fingers. I gave in to the devil's temptation at 7-E and bought a 20pk Marlboro Menthol Lights.

I tried just one to see whether I like it or not, but I didn't even finish half of it. Rugi besar! I have to get used to the taste again.

Sunday bloody sunday....

Sunday was not exactly bloody. It was just to catch your attention. Gotcha!

It was just another fun (?) but certainly interesting day. I had a wedding at noon, tea at 3pm and trip to Singapore at 6pm. See, am I not a good planner?

This wedding will go down as the easiest and the most awkward one I ever attended. Because my friends had hiccups in the morning, I went alone. Also, because of tea I had to go later, I decided not to wear baju kurung and when I mentioned that to a friend, she blasted me for being insensitive. Ya Allah! Itu pun kena aah? I swear to God that wasn't what I had in mind. I guess I wanted to feel comfortable and wearing baju kurung was never a comfortable thing to me what with sweats dripping down my legs. eeeeyyeewwwwwww... Besides I warned the bride about my attire and she said it's fine for her. I took her word just as it is (as I always do), now you know so don't say that you haven't been told.

The little tea party was, errrmm... let's just say you never had one like that before. You know, I had never been asked to be a bodyguard in either in my current or previous life, but last sunday I was one. Yay for me!

As we got there earlier than her date, I can't help but find it funny when dz set up our sitting arrangements. She wanted to be between me and gs, without any space in between for the old gatal man to squeeze in. Hahaha...

The minute the guy walked in, we had bahasa isyarat going, with knowing eyes and smiles. Gs was trying to tell me something but I was blur so most of the times I couldn't read his lips. Saya blur la.

I don't think I was of any helps. While she was drilling the grandpa, I was giggling though I tried very hard to suppress my sengih and to look like I was interested. Especially when she made a comment he was very prolific, thank goodness he didn't quite catch it. Gila ke apa? 10 kids! Eh hello? You talking to a bunch of youngsters (we young what), I am seriously not interested in listening about you and your missing children. Ok lah I should be a little bit compassionate but I guess I was not feeling hospitable towards him. We had enough troubles of our own, thank you.

I noticed he has some kind of air or arrogance in him, maybe because he strike out on his own and is proud of his achievements, but he sure looked gatal with a capital G. Aiyyaaa gelilahh. The way he tucked his shirt, so very old fashioned one. SLK or not, he's definitely out thru the window faster than you can say 'bye'.

Gs, you dare say he fancied me, I kill you!

There were several times when we had awkward silences. I sure dunno what to talk with grandpa. We had nothing in common, hah! But I tell you, he said he was in Kolej Sultan Abdul Hamid. These kolej boys are notorious spoil brats! especially my batch.

After a moment, we ran out of things to say and I needed to be somewhere else, which I think turned out to be a good parting excuse. Dz, my advice to you is never ever reply to anything he send after this. Just ignore him. The grandpa is not worth your time, not even as friend. You're young, carefree and funny, shallow man be him young or old is not for you.

When we walked to the car, I think he did try to catch up with us. Mana tau, kot kot dia ingat he get to be alone with her. Bleeeaaghh!

Luckily the drive down to JB was fine. I don't think I can stand another drama. If everyday like this, I die ooooh.

what a pretty good week!

Since I been back, I've been keeping quite a busy social life. I am not complaining, in fact I am glad to meet friends.

If you know me before, you'd be surprised at this change of personality. I haven't ditch everything. I am still the same Ewok but there's an obvious change. I go out a lot more, I meet more people and make new friends which is good and for the better. Yet, I still believe that I am socially inept.

I go out but I hardly talk. I shy away from attention and I dislike finding out that people read me before though I admit it was very flattering in the beginning. Some of the things that I thought were private, should stay private. I am not ashamed but just... uncomfortable, I would say. Unlike some who like to boost about being pretty or having this and that kind of businesses or thirst for life, I like to remain under the surface. One has to know me in order to get to know me. Geddit?

Anyway, the last few days I have been tagging dz (poor her. she must be bored stiff having the quiet me around) to parties. Aiya.. no shame lah me. On thursday we had dinner at Rasta with Haji Malim and Ms Gymnast. If Haji reads this, I have to say that I still tak puas hati lah Aji. I have to take you out further than TTDI and Bangsar. If I have to drive you, I will. Hehehe...

Before sending me back to my car, Hj and I stopped at her workplace and waaalllaaaa.. I got a free tour of the studios. Thanks ye aji. I hope you got home safely and not sesat after that. Btw, Haji Malim the cat does exist and not just an imagination of the owner.

Since Friday lunch is always longer than usual, I decided to meet old friends at Putrajaya. All of them had something worth complaining. Their bosses, the workload, the unfairness, the cold treatment, their longing and frustrations. I knew it all for I had them once, not too long ago. The massage session I had later turned out to be real good as stress reliever since my back pain has now totally disappeared. Thank goodness for zen.

You know, for a lone ranger like me, having to go to 3 parties on a Saturday is, well, a bit too much. The bbq at Ju's was a success if we judge by how fast the chickens and kebabs were consumed. My dear friend is a good cook. She especially made her famous mee kari for me. Other than that we had pulut kuning, rendang, nasi himpit, cakes and lotsa puddings. All homemade.

With my hair smelling like I just lepas kena salai, I zoomed to dz's for two more parties. For the first time, I met Sharon Bakar and she turned out to be a lovely bubbly woman. I admit I was blur as I sat at a table mostly dominated by either writer or editor.

It's kinda funny when someone thought that dz and I are sisters. (Ewok geleng kepala) Look at me, I'm like a sore thumb whereas she's pretty and slim. Two different looks and we're sisters?! Haha!

The last party was cool. Though my tummy was full, food were absolutely brilliant. I was more the observer (told you I dunno how to talk) and listening to them gays, I find that they are real fun to be with. Hilarious! But hmmm... looking at the gay mags proved to be a waste of time. Where are the men for us, I ask?


Sunday: to be continued..

why i would die for my friends?

Sometimes I wonder how does it feel to live the life of a socialite. What time do they wake up? What they do since they're not busting their arses working. When their night ends? What's in their minds?

My guess is probably thinking about ways to spend more money. Outdo each other.

What to wear? Ohhhh... Gucci izzit?

Where to dine? To see and to be seen.

Gossip, scandal and bitching. They know it all.

Tak penat ke?

Do they really have friends in the circle? Friends who will stand by you by hook or by crook.

1. I have a friend whom I had known since I was 5. We went to the same schools, college and uni. We lived together for a while. Though we seldom see each other, but I know she's there. My mum was her mum's good friend. Our fathers bonded like brothers. And when my mum died, her's did her best to help me leave the country. I went to see them few weeks ago. Her father is now half deaf but her mum is still beautiful. They still treat me like a child they knew back then and for a while, I felt I was loved again.

2. There was a friend who had been my back bone for the last few years for without her, I wouldn't survive. A friend, who crossed every boundary, any obstacles; who would help no matter what situation I was in. Whose family accepted and love me like their own. She is a sister and a friend rolled into one. There's no other like her.

3. One good friend's wise advice is a sooth to the ears, and that's what make me realised I had a gem in my circle. What I love about her is that she doesn't care what others think. She is honest to the point of being brutal. She will poke at logic and rationale and make you eat your words, but deep down I know she cares and loves me enough to see that I don't do myself any harms.

4. Then, there were new friends whom I met in the past few months. Sometimes, just by listening and reading, you know what kind of person they are and whether they are worth your time. Every time you find out something about them, you broaden your horizon. New friends who share your likes and dislikes, suffer the same loss, hold the same values and dream for almost heaven. Every single moment spent with them I consider a pool of wealth. I am lucky to have discovered great, smart and beautiful people. If I could, I want to frame them for I am scared they will leave so soon.

I am a peasant. I only have friends and not pots of gold.

blimey tummy!

Thru out the night, I had a very disturbing night. My diarrhea had become worst. So this morning, I head straight to the clinic after I got a car.

No one was around so it was really quick. Dr. Norliza was pleasant but soft spoken. Half the time I couldn't hear the things she said. Weird though since I had lost a lot of water and mineral, I expect to be given some kind of salt or some sort like that. In the end, I came back with some antibiotic, pills and nothing else. The good doctor must have thought that I am just a lazy bitch trying to feign sickness to get an mc. Ohh! And I had a spliting headache just looking at the lists on her wall!

so many things to write....

but nothing comes out.

The last few weeks saw me running back and forth KL-Kedah-KL. Damn tired! It's kinda weird because seems like I've been having a lot of health problems ever since. Been coughing non-stop since after raya. After the family trip to Langkawi, I had fever and terrible (I mean really horrible) cough. And yesterday, I started having back pain and it's killing me at night. To make matter worst, today, my tummy is acting up with diarrhea.

Arrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When it's ever gonna stop!!!?

I promise myself I will write about everything I've been through this holiday. Had some great memories as well as bad. Be patient. Words don't come easily.

I swear if someone asked me to teman her watch Harry Potter, I'd cast a spell and turn her into turnip! Last night, I went to teman another friend and I realized I must be crazy. I know I have time in my hands but watching HP for the 3rd time is plain cuckoo. Movie is not bad but maaannn... lama siot, and the ads are just the same ol boring stuff!

btw, Viktor Krum is yummy. the strong and silent type. aaaaahhhhhhhhhh...

Old entries

Felt like posting entries from former blog just to recollect old memories.

Stories begin again

For me to start another blog just as I closed the first one is a wonder. How the heck am I gonna do it? Nevertheless, I believe that I was born a blogger.

This blog is just a place to tell stories and rants of any kinds, in reality or fantasy. After all, we are just actors playing our parts.

Kenapa? Tak percaya ke?

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri

In about 30 minutes, taxi will be here to pick me up for Heathrow. I'm going home! Time for a well deserved break.

I had a great time here, making new friends and sharing life experiences. I couldn't ask for more. Though it's kinda hard to leave but it's time to take a step back.

Hopefully, when I come back to the blog world, everything will be fresh and better than before.

To all, I wish you enjoy life. Be good. Thank you for the wonderful year and please forgive me for any wrongdoings or comments that may have hurt you directly or indirectly.

Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin.

See you when I see you.

road to victory

8 months ago, I made a pact with myself. I had to do something about my ever disturbing battle with willpower.

It was nowhere near I want it to be. And the problem I had kept getting worse and it went up to... here (choking my neck) So, a drastic measure had to be taken.

It was really hard in the beginning, I kept postponing and making excuses even though I'd set the dateline on 15 Oct. In a few days, I will run out of time. The months have passed quite fast and I'm sad to say that I'm not even close to my target.

It was not impossible to do it in time I'd given myself, yet I didn't manage to achieve it. Mmmmm.. Looks like procrastination is still my big problem.

Though I haven't got what I aim for, I cannot say that I have failed. No. It would be wrong to say that. Instead of starting in Feb, I only started getting serious about it after my birthday. Ok, so I was a few months late, but I did do it and there's no turning back now.

Along the way, I am happy that I had push myself. It wasn't a perfect journey. Over and over again I keep losing willpower but somehow manage to regain it after pep talking myself. I had never gone this far before or felt any better. I cannot ruin what little victories I got.

I may not get what I want immediately, but I'm on the road to my destination. Hey... I'm actually halfway there, and that should be a good indication, isn't it?

No worries, Ewok. You will get there somehow.

friendship like ours

It is rare that you meet someone
who with that first smile
becomes your friend

Someone who knows nothing
about you one day
and all your secret thoughts the next

Someone who asks for nothing
in return for friendship
but friendship itself

Someone who makes it just as easy
to share sadness
as it is to share joy

I found that rare someone
when I found you.
And like a precious memory
a friendship like ours is forever

Dawn M.Miller

Untukmu Ibu

Warning: Long and winding entry. Avoid if you don't want to get bored.

This Ramadhan is just going to be like the previous ones. Life has become quiet and less lively. Last puasa, I spent time in London and went walking down River Thames on first day of raya. I didn’t know anybody here and I wasn’t ready to get to know anybody.

When Mak was around, bulan puasa was the most anticipated time of the year. I enjoyed going home although I was only away from home 3 Ramadhans before she passed away.

Usually, one month before puasa, she would always go to a place called Tandop or Seberang Perak, looking for chicks. She would buy 30 ekor anak ayam for Ateh to bela and jaga in time for Ramadhan. As we start puasa, Bapak and Ateh would sembelih the ayams every other day. Sometimes, Ateh and I went running around the backyard chasing and trying to catch the chickens. Everyday was a feast. I remember everytime we were having ayam percik, I was entrusted as the tukang panggang. Oh how I loved it especially when I cannot puasa. Mak has a special recipe for marinating them, which I am now trying to master the way she did it with the right amount of the ingredients.

In our house, we never buy any food from the bazaar. Mak always cooked. She has a passion for food. Mak liked to get everything ready quite early. By 3 p.m., she would start mixing ingredients, be it cucurq udang, karipap, sfera, cucurq keria etc etc. If I feel like eating something, I need only to say it and she would make them for me. She knew I loved mee rebus, (not to be confused with mee bandung or mee kari, mee rebus is different and normally known to DKK) and when I come home from college, she would make sure I had my favorites on the table the first day I was home.

Throughout Ramadhan, I became her ever faithful assistant. I remember sometimes there were days when I sulked because the day was hot and all I wanted to do was lying around and doing nothing. Now, I realized that that were the quality times I spent with her. Nothing could ever take the memories away from me as they are so precious and close to my heart. I spent so much times with her at home that there were so much of her knowledge passed down to me, of which I need to carefully recall as I had subconsciously buried them.

She used to make cendul from scratch. I don’t know what she put in the mixture but I remember she mixed flour with air daun pandan to get the color green. She had this periuk that had lots of lubang. I think it was Bapak who punched the lubang with his nails and hammer. Once the thick mixture was ready, she would pour into the periuk. Underneath the periuk was a bucket of cold water. She would use batang anak pokok pisang to stir and press in the periuk. The mixture that plopped down through the lubang was hardened by the cold water to become isi cendul that was far better than the ones sold at the bazaar.

We are lucky because I think we were spoilt food-wise. Mak always preferred to prepare homemade food rather than buying. We had the best, all natural and free of any artificials. Gone were those days.

In the late afternoon, after all the food was ready, Mak would fill several plates to give away to the neighbors. She always made extra. I liked it when I bring them over to each house. The anticipation to find out what the neighbors would give back. It wasn’t that we expect them to return our gestures but it was just a matter of courtesy. The waiting and game guessing of who made what was fun for me and Ateh. I hardly came home empty handed.

When we break fast, we never ever eat rice first. In fact we hardly had rice. Normally, it would be meehoon, mee etc. Nasi was only for soq (sahur) only. We would only have drink, a few bites of the cucurq and dates and off we go for a prayer. After prayer, we would then resume dinner. The first Ramadhan I was away from home, I cried buckets on the phone to Mak. I missed home terribly, yet I was only in Shah Alam and already 18!

I loved the time when it was getting close to raya. She always had people ordering baulu from her. She made the best baulu in the kampung, only RM10 for 100 pieces. When I was very little, I liked eating the burned baulu so she kept them for me. At least, they were not wasted. As I grew up, I became quite picky and I didn’t want them anymore. I went for the golden fluffy, which are supposed to be sold to the customers. So, she told me off and made me make my own baulu. At 6 a.m., she would prepare ingredients ie eggs and sugar using her Moulinex. This would go on forever until she finished all 30 or 50 eggs for the day.

In the meantime, as the first batch of eggs and sugar was well beaten, she would add the flour and mix them slowly. I had to learn how much to put in the acuan, too much it would balloon up, too little it would look like my hidung penyek. The baulu was baked not in an oven but in a primitive way with dapur minyak tanah, claypot and bara sabut. I learnt that in the claypot, sands and wet papers were used as a shield or barrier to prevent the api from baking the bottom part of baulu faster that the upper part. Oh, I am confusing myself, but as long as I can visualize this, I think I am still ok.

2 weeks before raya, we would start our cookies sessions. Mak and I loved baking cakes and cookies and we liked to try many new recipes. This reminds me that I will have to do a thorough search for her thick recipe books. We never buy biskut raya when Mak was still alive. No way Jose! The must have biskut raya were samperit, biskut makmur, cornflakes (our own style – I’ve never seen it at any other house except at Wa’s) and baulu. The rest of the biskut raya were trial and error. At one raya, between the two of us, we made about 20 odd types of biskut and 6 different cakes. Excuse me, but we all had different tastes and not willing to sacrifice our cakes. Moist choc cake for me, fruit cake for Bapak, marble cake for Mak, kek lapis for Aci, orange for Na and kek batik for Ateh. Phewww!

As we get closer to raya, there were the ketupat to do. Mak made the ketupat palas as well as ketupat nasi because Javaman is orang Johor. I was forced to learn menganyam daun kelapa, but I do enjoy making ketupat palas. It’s one of the skills I haven’t forgotten.

In a way, I guess I am anak Mak. I will always try to cook or imitate her style. Nothing else is better than Mak’s.Sometimes, the child in me felt like protesting. I wanted to play mercun with Ateh. One night, many Ramadhan ago, I defied arahan Mak and went out to play. As I was coming home, I tripped over a big batu on the road and injured my leg. Until today, I still bear the huge scar on my right knee. It is ugly and there’s nothing I can do about it but it is also served as a reminder to me.

Gosh! There’s so much to recall and write about home. Words don’t come as easily to me. And some things made me really sad and I weep as I remember them.

Oh ibu,
Kau disiram bayu pagi
Kehilangan terasa kini
Dan kesepian
Dan aku bagai purnama gerhana
Di ibarat lautan kering
Tiada tempat kulayarkan
Hasratku ini
Masih belum sempat
Ku buktikannya kepadamu
Ibu tersayang
Ku curahkan rahsia hati
Ku tatapi potret mu berulang kali
Ku renungkan kalimah yg diberi
Tuhan yang Esa
Ampuni dosa ibu
Tempatkan mereka
Di antara kekasih-kekasih mu
Oh ibu
Kau kasih sejati
Ku taburkan doa
Untukmu ibu
Ampunilah dosa ku
Sejak ku dilahirkan
Hingga akhir hayatmu
Di saat ini ku teruskan hidup
Tanpa bersama mu ibu
Kini aku
Hilang tempat mengadu
Oh ibu
Damailah engkau di sana
Kutaburi doa mewangi
Hanya dari anakmu
Ibu

The Boy will sit for his PMR this week. I think dah berbuih mulut Aci and Javaman bising at him, suruh study.

If he failed his Arab, they will kick him out of the maktab.

Boys... why are they just lazy? Bila tanya, dia buat buat bz study. Konon.

Good luck, boy. Many more tests coming your way soon. A sign that you are now growing up and becoming a man.

May you be a good one.

It's October. The countdown to a closure.

You know you're addicted to blogging if:

• If you can’t access the site, you have a minor freak out - and a major case of hitting reload.
• You found yourself composing journal entries during dates, movies, driving, dinner, etc.
  When you’re out, you suddenly think of a witty reply to a comment somebody made to you… several days ago.
• You’ve downloaded some sort of program which has only the purpose of making entries easier to write without going on the site manually.
• You consider it a great offense if someone deletes you off their friend’s list.
• The first thing you do every day when you go online is check your friends journals - even before checking your email.
• When your friends ask what’s new, you get mad at them because you already wrote it in your blog and they didn’t check it yet.
• You can’t seem to call your friends by their real names.
• You have written posts to notify people you’re going to sleep.
• You talk about your blog friends to your real life friends all the time… like they’re a part of your group.
• You’ve created a blog community, and people actually post in it.
• You’ve been recognized in real life by fellow bloggers.
• Instead of doing research, you post difficult questions on your blog.
• You’ve stopped being friends with someone in real life because of something they’ve said on their blog.
• You have consoled yourself after a horrible day thinking “At least this will make a great post”
• You’re jealous of people who have more friends and/or comments than you.
• You have written a really great, solid post - only to be disappointed by the lack of good comments.
• You’re guilty of commenting excessively to get more traffic to your blog.
• You give shout outs to all your blog friends on their birthdays.
• You have an additional, secret journal that hardly anyone knows about.
• You have gotten mean anonymous comments and you can figure out who it was via their IP.
• You have more blog friends than real life friends.
• You're blogging in your head before you fall asleep.
• Your out of town husband and you converse in your blog's comments.
• You tell your friends and family things like, "I'll ping you and you ping me back," or "Okay, I want to trackback on your last comment..."
• You blog in your head an event that's happening at that very moment!
• You actually take the time to figure out how to set up Active Desktop in Windows just so that you can make your Bloglines MyBlogs page your Windows background.
• And then you actually leave it that way because you like it... and you make that your browser home page.
• You check your journal more than 10 times a day, or even 10 times an hour.
• You have more Journal Comment Alerts in your mailbox than spam.
• Your best friends have screen names and URLs instead of real names and street addresses.
• You log down the number on your hit counter before you sign off at night and check it first thing in the morning. You record these numbers for future reference.
• You have actually been late for work because you were reading your favorite journals.
• You family has to leave a comment on your journal to get your attention.
• You turn the volume up when you walk away from the computer so you can hear when the alert alarm sounds.
• Being the #1 Editor's Pick is more important to you then winning a Pulitzer Prize.
• You do the blog quizzes and post the results for everyone to see.
• You have been tagged for a meme, played along and later on you tag other bloggers.
• You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are blog addicts.

Not til she's ready

Last night, two people couldn't sleep, so they hang out in the living room. One was so engrossed with her computer while the other was just staring into the empty space.

"You said you were lonely," the person broke the ice.

"I was," she said.

"But don't you think you made yourself feel that way? Why don't you go out? Join a class or something." The person was judging her.

"I was busy, but I was also lonely."

"You were busy then, but now you can do something. All I see was you sitting in front of the computer."

"You wouldn't understand. I kept myself busy with work but, sometimes, that didn't cure my loneliness. I found friends through my computer when you weren't around. Now that you're here, don't expect me to leave my computer and entertain you. You know, dance or swimming classes require commitment, something I don't have during this limited time I have left."

Both of them remained quiet. The person, then, retired to bed.

She couldn't - wouldn't- be pressured by people she hardly knew to make decision that involved her life. She knows she's lost. She's lazy, perhaps. But no one can tell her what to do, not until she's ready to push herself.

No, there was only one person she could completely trust and depend on, and that was herself. Even if others meant well, she has to learn from her own mistakes.

She realized that years ago when she'd known the pain of loss, the fear of desertion and failure.It's foolish to worry about it. This feeling. It appeals as much as it frightens. It tempted her to daydream, and she'd almost given up on fantasies.

Not yet.

labu on a sunday

Hari ni, labu penat dan sakit badan. Bangun tidorq pun matahari dah tegak. Lepaih tu, dok melangut tak tau nak buat apa.

Semalam, apa mimpi tah, manusia2 yang buat labu sakit hati tu masak and served dinner untuk labu. Hmmm... nak ambik hati lah tu. Peeeraaahh!

Depa ajak labu pi mengedik kat The Sports Cafe. Ohhh... labu kalau pasai bab bab menari ni ok saja. The last time labu pi sana dj dia main lagu bukan main best lagi, so tu lah tak lepaih chan kali ni.

Dari pukui 12 sampai pukui 3 pagi. Lembek kaki. Bas nak balik ghumah pulak on diversion, jenuh berjalan kaki. Last last taxi jugak lah jawabnya.

Tapi labu rasa berbangga dengan diri sendiri. Sebab all the time dok berdisko, labu minum oren jus saja without vodka and tak isap rokok pon. In fact dah dekat 6 bulan dah tak buat benda benda tu. Alhamdulillah.

La ni, kena pi cari makan. Laparq nya bukan main lagi. Mawar, tunggu labu nak pi makan kat sana nooo.

kisah si labu

Hari ni aku nak lepas geram.

Semalam bila aku balik keje, aku tengok ada orang kat rumah ni guna laptop aku lagi. Dah la tu, siap masuk baca blog aku and tinggal komen pulak tu. Ceh... tah tah dia ada baca bout beberapa entries aku dok mengutuk dia sebelum ni.

Nasib ko lah labu.Tapi, ni lah satu bende yang aku tak gemar. Harta aku dah dibuat macam harta sendiri pulak. Banyak cantik?!!!

Aku ni consider tak kedekut lah, sebab bila depa nak guna or pinjam apa-apa barang, aku mesti bagi punya. Dengan syarat, tanya lah dulu kan.

Sejak dua menjak ni, ada lah sorang kawan si Kfiatek ni mai dok menumpang kat rumah kami. Aku kenal minah ni, so bila dia mintak nak guna laptop sebab nak hantar cv, aku bagi lah. Aku offer jugak kalau nak guna hp aku sebab talk plan aku tu free to mana mana networks pun.

Pompuan ni kan, bagi betis dia nak paha pulak. Eessh.. tak boleh nak buat baik sikit, mesti adeee je orang nak pijak kepala. Ni yang aku tak tahan ni.

Aku paling geram betul lah time aku dok guna lappy, dia mai menempek kat sebelah aku dok tengok apa aku buat. Aku pelempang sekali kang baru tau! Aku punya suka lah nak buat apa pun, chat ka blog ka. Harta aku!

Tah apa tah depa buat dengan lappy aku ni, semalam tak leh nak open satu hapa ke benda program pun. Nak switch off pun tak boleh. Kalau ikutkan hati aku yg tengah hangat time tu, aku maki depa, tapi aku ni tak reti. Bodoh! Tu lah pasal aku jugak yang kena pomen sendiri after bergayut berjam-jam dengan mamat kat pc helpline.

Satu hal lagi ni pasai blog and bloggers' attitude.Kalau nak ikutkan, blog is tempat nak melepas geram, nak merapu, nak buat biskut, nak mandi bogel. Ikut suka hati hang lah apa hang nak tulis. Broken english, manglish, bob marley-ish, lantak ler. After all, masa aku dan hang beranak dulu lidah mak kita bukan lidah omputih pun.

Tapi yang tak syoknya, bila ada pulak bloggers yang jeles dengan other bloggers. Apahal? Ada orang tanya aku, pehal dina blog kat sini. Awat? Tak boleh ka? Aku nak tulis apa pun, aku nak invite sesapa pun, aku punya blog, hangpa peduli apa! Kadang-kadang tu pasai link mengelink pun boleh jadi hal (sigh)

Tengok gaya, bloggers ni ramai jugak yang 3 suku, macam aku jugak lah kan. Nak buat cam mana, semuanya repressed. Perangai kat luarq tu lain, kat blog lain. Yang macam hantu pun ada, yang macam jemuan pun ada.

Entah lah labu, apa nak jadi pun aku tak tau.

Aku ni dah duduk serumah dengan bermacam macam jenis org dah. Italian, Hungarian, Brazillian, Polish, Eritrean, Portugese etc etc. Dari permerhatian aku lah, antara depa ramai-ramai, orang yang mai dari poland ni aku consider paling kedekut.

Sebenarnya aku rasa depa tak lah teruk sangat. Depa ni rajin and memang kuat keje cuma kadang-kadang tu aku rasa meyampah sebab depa ni berkira sangat sampai ke last penny. Kalau boleh semuanya nak free je. Malas dah aku nak bersocialise dengan depa ni.

Lebih baik hidup sendiri. Alaa... nanti mati pun sorang jugak.Sigh.

Apa la hang merapu, labu?

Sometimes, I don't get it.

Malaysians are obsessed with branded things. Ok I admit I was guilty of the same crime long time ago. I remember my time in the States. We bought DKNY, Nine West and errr... honestly that's all I remember. Opss.. there's more. My cousins told me to buy Correlle, Mikasa bla bla bla. I was influenced.

When I look back, I feel sooo stupid.In April, when my sister was here, we went to meet a few of her friends scattered in the UK. What tickles me was that every one of them wants to bring back a beemer or merc. They work like mad, because that's their aim. Driving a beemer shows the kind of status one acquired.

Once in a while, someone whispered to me, 'cari duit banyak-banyak and then bila balik bawak la mercedes satu.' Hello? You think I'm like you izzit? I only want Toyota RAV4, hehe, but living the life of a pauper, there's no way I can pay road tax and insurance. But sometimes orang ni hold on to the pepatah, biar papa asal bergaya.

It's the same with shoes. I wear Nike because it's comfortable, pasar malam punya pun I tibai je, but I recalled a few incidents where I heard 'it's Nike, babe, NIKE.'

So what? Bapak ko punya kilang ke?

The one thing I dread is when I go home people will ask about my job. 'Keje apa?' Eksekutip ke? Tak. Keje kutip sampah je. Huurrghhh..Ok.

Now that I got that out of my system, I can go back to my rubbish truck.

end of blog life

I’ve been thinking of shutting the blog down for quite some times now. I know, I know, some of you who occasionally read it might care.

I started the blog because I was lonely. How, you might ask, with all the things happening in London? Well, you wouldn't understand it. I came here looking for something that weren't there. And I felt lonely during the process because that's the truth. I am here all alone. Thanks to OJ, I found blog and the rest is history.

In the last few weeks, I don’t feel inspired, anymore. I don’t feel like I want to write, anymore. Ah well. I’ve run out of things to say. It’s kinda funny because I hardly have a lot of things to begin with. I was feeling frustrated with my writing, as you know I'm not really a writer, a blogger yes, but a real writer no, and so I was feeling like I was running out of ideas, and I was putting a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to be more witty and lighthearted with my posts, but to be honest, everything I wrote felt forced and insincere.

As you get to know me, I feel that sometimes I have to censor myself from writing an honest entry. Also, I think I had revealed many stories about my family more than I realized. I guess it’s time to take a back seat and be quiet.

I haven’t had this site for long. In fact, on Oct 21st, it’s going to be one year old. I will be home for my long holidays and probably won't have enough time for this site. Initially, I didn’t think I would last this long. The thing is blogging has taken so much of my time. Precious time that I could have spent doing something else. It’s like sleep blog, eat blog, everything blog.

It’s great while it lasts but I think I had enough.From blogging alone to having a guest blogger, I had enjoy this so much. It’s kinda sad too because through this blog, I made new friends and met wonderful people. I have also found family connection and long lost friends who stumbled upon my blog.

I have voiced my frustration to Lil Ms D a lot of times and we both agreed that this blog will cease to exist on its birthday. It's just a matter of finding the right time. Dinsy, you are a great source of inspirations. Love you to bits. But what has to be done has to be done. Thank you for coming on board and sharing this space with me. Your friendship is something I treasure. Never in a million years had I thought this could happen. You have the heart of an angel and I am honoured, you know.

Truthfully, I am grateful for the friendships offered and created over the months. I can never thank you enough for all comments. You guys have enough patience to read awful lots of stupid rants and have helped me during my darkest moods. To some of you, I apologize for not visiting your blogs often in the last few weeks. There are too many blogs to read but too little time.

Maybe one day, you may accidently find my new blog as I embark on another adventure, which is what I am trying to do. I am not giving any hints but who knows, kan? In the meantime, all I want to say is, so long, farewell.

Notting Hill Carnival

I'm dead tired. Went with Maury and spent 5 hours wiggling and jiggling with the crowd, and I tried some of the Carribean food. There were loads of other food stalls and I even found M'sians selling karipap, satay, murtabak and pergedil. Not really tempted, sowwee.The song Nookie, proves to be the favorite to be played over and over by every group that took part.Huaaaarghh... soooo penat. Hafta sleep now. Just gonna let the pictures do the talking.

not for the underage

Words on the street: Textual Intercourse

You know what can work wonders for burgeoning realtionships? Of course, a well-formed, sexy text message now known as textual intercourse.

It's the bawdy banter that buzzes from your mobile to his or hers and back again after the first date. I'm sure you're creative enough to write saucy messages, which can go from 'had a gr8 nite wen can i c u agn?' to 'hv to mk passionate luv 2 u nw.'

A good text sex can bring you as close to orgasm as the real thing, although it does help if you have your phone on vibrate ;) Think of it as sex without the awkwardness or troublesome logistics of actual bodies.

You might be wondering what to write and what should be omitted in textual intercourse. I'd say anything goes, and you'll find yourself texting much dirtier words than you dare talking when you meet face to face.

For an added thrill, if I may suggest as most of mobile users are on pay-as-you-go or prepaid, make it to the climatic final message before your credit runs out. See whether it is as orgasmic as you think.

Two things you need to remember in textual intercourse. First, be sure to remove your mum's or dad's mobile number from speed dial. Fingers can slip in the heat of the moment. Second, take your phone off predictive text, or your randy recipient will wonder why you want to kick her puppy.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

childhood mischief

Do you remember our childhood times when we ruled the neighborhood? You taught me how to main laga ayam, though you were always on the other side of the ring.You took me with you looking for some ikan laga. After we found them, you'd find two empty balang Nescafe, put water and each ikan in a different balang and let them fight.

Do you remember our fun moments in the bendang? When it was time for air pasang, we would prepare our fishing rods. You made them from bamboo and always have extra kail for me just in case I lost mine. Under the heated sun, we just ignored mak's advice and went fishing in the sawah. I loved it when we caught ikan sepat, puyu, keli and haruan. Do you know that I loved puyu goreng?

Before the menuai padi time, you would take me along to catch belalang kuning. To grill and eat them, you said. I can't remember how it tasted like but I remember munching them. They were very crunchy.

Almost every evening, you and mother would teach me how to make and blow the seruling made from batang pokok padi. And after the padi has been harvested, we would play wau in the field. You taught me how to make kites from bamboo and papers. Everyone would be jealous of me for flying the highest wau because you put extra long string to mine.

Do you remember the time when mother used to tell father to take pictures of us together? We would sit next to each other, with a clip in my hair and you and me donning a similar Donnie and Marie t-shirts. Me in white and you in blue. There was a time when we were dressed up wearing a kimono because pakcik just came back from Japan. I felt like I was a real Japanese, only with big eyes.

Do you remember how you made me a senapang from wood when you and friends were playing tembak-tembak? I didn't want to be left out so you carved me one and went looking for batang pokok bemban to use as bullets.

What about that time when our house and the rest of the state had the worst flood? First you went looking for pokok pisang to make a rakit, but the two of us were too heavy for the small rakit. Then, you found tongs and tied them to a piece of wood to make a floating bridge. We look so cool on it because no one else had one like that. We went fishing, I think.

The bendang looked just like a sea and I fell into the water. Remember how I screamed and woke the neighbors when I saw 3 ekor lintah on my thighs? You came rushing to my rescue and squashed them dead while laughing at me.

When we came back from school, you would carry me on basikal mini to go to the madrasah for our mengaji time. You used to tease that you would let me to walk home, but you never did.You always have a soft spot for ayams and duckies. I came back from school to find that my little duckie had died, but you provided comfort in making sure that it had a proper burial place.

During raya, you were the culprit to buy all sorts of mercun. You and I would sit for hours in your room fixing things up and making them more exciting. Remember the time when a mercun katak jumped into bapak's kain pelekat and he had to londeh his kain? It was funny, innit? I loved the fact that our house was so bright and cheerful because you made the effort to prepare the pelita and more.

Hey, what about the time musim buah pelam? We had so many different pokok pelam all around the house. We had pelam epal, pelam isi putih, kuinin and a few others that I do not remember their names anymore. Mak and I used to hold a kain batik so that when you kait the buah, all of them would fall into the kain. My favorite was buah kuinin.

Do you remember I like to eat daun pokok jambu bola? Nobody ever heard or saw striped jambu bola before but I remember quite well that the young leaves were very tasty just like the jambu. I wonder if the species of jambu is no longer known to humankind. Now that I am older, I wish we didn't cut down all the trees around our house. It's a shame.

Although, we were quite close, I admit that I used to envy you. It was obvious that mak always preferred you. I was jealous that I stooped so slow and threw a brick at your head. You had seven stiches and I got caned. You were always in the good book with mak and you could never do wrong in her eyes. I didn't understand it until later.

Back then, we always did things together. Maybe because we are the only two left at home, and we didn't have a lot of friends. Do you know how much I miss that time? Ateh, do you know how much I want to tell you that you are a great abang? I wanna cry thinking of those things that the younger ones would never experience. At least, I had great childhood memories and someone to share with.

This is my story III

It was almost a month since Mak was bedridden when she first had the stroke. Ateh and I were constantly at home. I was on a summer break, and Ateh worked at a nearby factory.I don’t remember much about Bapak as I had pushed the memories to the back of my mind. All I could picture was Mak lying on the bed in the living room. At 21, what did I know other than trying to get as many Bs so that I can be on that plane?

I was not a bright student neither was I a good daughter. I wanted to get away from home for so long. I had tried to leave home since I was 15. Oh how I had tried, but Mak didn’t let me go to a boarding school. It wasn’t that I don’t love them, but for once, I wanted to be away for a reason I couldn't explain. I didn't have one. I just wanted to leave.

However, with this incident, my life had turned upside down. I was glad I stayed home cos I knew my way around the house. The only thing that concerns me was what would happen when I go back to school.

Would there be somebody to take care of Mak? Would there be somebody to cook porridge and feed her? Would there be someone who would sit next to her and listen to her? Would there be someone who would bathe her with care and love?

Ateh was there but he was a man. I’m not saying that a man couldn’t do all these but a man’s heart, mind and touch are just different. During this time, I don’t know who handled it better, me or Ateh. He never talked about it and neither do I. I think that even if I had Aci, I would not be able to talk either.I didn’t think it was a burden. Mak would never become a burden to me. It was my responsibility and if I had to do it alone, so be it. I’d do it all over again and more, if I could.

I was counting the days I had to return to school. But I was also dreading the day I had to leave her at home with Ateh and Bapak. As the day moved ahead, so was she. Mak was getting better and stronger each day. I had her on therapy most of the time and she was like a little girl learning to walk.I wanted to be with her for every step of the way.

It was a miracle. From being paralysed and not able to speak a word, she had progressed so well in 6 weeks. Aci bought Mak a walking stick so she could lean on it whenever she felt tired. Mak was a fighter, she would survive this.

She was a tiger and a survivor.

She could barely walk a few weeks earlier. Somehow, she got well and a lot stronger when I left. At the back of my mind, I was worried sick for Mak. Sometimes, I wished I can go home during weekends, but with little allowance I got, I couldn't afford to go back and forth.

I phoned home almost every other night, asking Ateh about her progress. Was I glad when I could talk to Mak. Her speech wasn't clear but at least I could understand her and that gave me comfort. Looked like all was going well.

No no no! (no, it's not black eyed peas' song)

Spent Sunday in Longleat Safari Park, watching Air Race and going into mazes. It was business combined with pleasure, what more can I ask for?

Btw, I finished the Hegde Maze in 62 minutes and 34 seconds. I guess I took slightly 2 minutes longer than some people to find my way out.

It was a perfect day, I believe, and then I fell asleep under the tree with the heat and breeze hitting me occasionally.I woke up when I suddenly felt cold all over my body. It wasn't a good sign. Then I started feeling it in my throat.

No!I can't afford to fall sick. Too many things to do, and too little time.

I remember chatting on YM and saying I wish I fall sick one of these days and let the office takes over my work. That was my exact words.I knew I shouldn't have said things like this, but tu lah regret pun tak guna dah.

Please don't tell me off and say 'tu lah mintak yg bukan2 sangat'.I am sorry. But vattodo? Tomorrow my sore throat will be worse, and then come batuk and watery eyes and nose. Aiyaaa...

Of all the things I lost,

I miss my mind the most.


Of all the things I lost, I miss _______________ the most.
(entertain me, please, I had a loooong day)

to Ateh with love

A few weeks ago, Ateh finally got his motorcycle licence. He is 38 this year. You may have read about him being mentally challenged. Actually, he is not that bad. He just takes longer time to understand some written stuffs that a normal person could do in 2 minutes.

He was reluctant to go for a driving class in the first place because I think he was embarrassed due to his age. Another reason was because of me. I started riding a motorbike when I was 11. By the time I was 12, I was already driving Bapak’s Opel to the local store, for practise. A year later, I told Ateh to jump onto the driver’s seat and I would teach him how to drive a car.

Me? Teaching my bro? Isk..iskk

After a few minutes of explaining to him the stick, gears and clutch etc, I told him to reverse the car. Instead of releasing the clutch slowly, he shocked us both and within seconds, he pressed the accelerator in panic. The car zoomed backward into a hutan kangkung in front of our house. The front part of the car was on the ground but the back was slowly going into the water. It was nearly Maghrib and Bapak took a couple of hours to get it out. Mak tak sudah sudah scolded me!Hehe. It was kinda funny when I think about it now, but it gave the shock of our lives and left a big impact on him. I knew I had to redeem this.

After a few years of nagging on my side, especially last year when I was at home, he finally agreed to go for a driving class and take the test. I had to provide attractive incentives for him; all the fees would be paid for, plus a brand new Honda EX5, if he passed the test.

It took a little while to persuade and convince him that having a licence will help improve his life, but, I guess it was the incentive that did it for him. Well, whatever works, at least he won’t be too dependent on others for mobility. He used to take a bus whenever he wanted to come back to our family home or to his parents-in-laws’. Or sometimes, his sis-in law would take them to places.

If it was one of us, we did it out of love for him, but I don’t think it was the same for them.

I don’t like their family. I hate it when I heard from Aci that they look down on him for his disadvantages. Like their daughters tu bagus sangat! At least Mak had taught him well; to be independent and know how to manage himself. If he was alone, he would know how to cook, unlike their daughters tu. Haram tak tau mende! Ateh actually taught his wife to cook some dishes. Unbelievable.

That is the main reason why I pushed him for this. I don’t want them to keep on bullying him.Initially, Aci heard that there is an exemption for people with disability or matured students (I haven’t got a clue) so she decided to ask around. After calling this department and that department, unfortunately, luck wasn’t on our side.

Acik, then, enrolled Ateh in a sekolah memandu and became his chauffeur every time he had to go to classes. The first few times, Acik waited at the training ground and he said that Ateh was doing quite well, except that he didn’t manage to finish the written test within the allocated time.

Another thing that Acik noticed was that Ateh actually knew the right answers to most questions, but because his mind processed the questions in a reversed way, he gave the wrong answers. Anyhow, I don’t really how to explain the situation. I understand what the problem is with Ateh, I just don’t know what to do to help him.

I know sometimes Acik got annoyed with Ateh when he tested him at home. A lot of times, he lost patience trying to explain simple things to Ateh because he had to repeat himself over and over again until Ateh understood. Somehow, Aci managed to cool Acik down. Ateh is, after all, our flesh and blood. And who else would stand by him, if not us? Even though we are already in the middle stage of life, we are still anak yatim piatu. Apatah lagi Ateh tu. With him, we have to have maximum patience.

He failed the written test twice. We were told that if he failed for the third time, he would be exempted from taking the written test, but he had to pass the riding test. Of course he would, I have no doubt.

It was Tuesday morning, 5 weeks ago, when I heard the beep.

‘Pak Teh pass both tests, bila nak beli motor?’ A text message from my nephew.

With a big smile on my face, I was glad that he took the chance. It was a big step for him and one step closer to being fully independent. I am happy.

‘Ask Mummy to survey price. Cash’.

I can picture him cruising on his kapchai already.

what's the point of having a dream if you're not gonna make it happen?

(tajuk panjang giler courtesy of Honda ads)


PS wrote something about dreams and living a different life, if you could change it. Or you would rather stick to the current life.Is there any point of re-living my life? I dunno. Maybe if I had been given a time tunnel (today I drove into Tyne Tunnel, hence the subject), I might want to go back and change a few things here and there, but I don’t think I want to live a different life altogether.

It’s not perfect, mind you, but I like it the way it is.

Basically, I can’t say I want to change the few things either. I just want to move forward some of the decisions I made. Like when I decided to leave Malaysia, instead of in 2002, I should have done that in, say, 1999 maybe.

I am out of this world.You know, I have this thing that has been nagging me for a little while. I spoke to dz and kakteh about it, but seems like it's still lingering around. So, I guess I have to blog about it.

Most people in our society, in my humble opinion, cannot run away from this narrow minded perception. Malay(sian)s seem to set a certain kind of status or standard to our own people.

People with tertiary education are expected to have a certain kind of jobs with certain kind of perks and make certain amount of money and drive a certain kind of cars. Why? Because you have a BSc, MS or Phd?

Why put a label or status?

You see, I don’t understand that.

When hiring staff, Malaysians are obsessed with degrees and whatnot. If you don’t own one, no matter how good you are, please walk thru that door and don’t come back again.

On the other hand, a lot of students with degrees also perasan that because they have one, they should get a desk job in an office and good salary. Duh! Ok maybe that’s not the case anymore, but hey, do they ever think of doing something else instead of just doing this scheme and that scheme? Semua kerajaan nak kena tolong ke? You think that's your right ke? Hessh!

Ok, this may not come out the way I want it to.

Let’s try again. Let’s take my life, for example.

Disclaimer: AA, this is not intended for you, ok hon. Saja tak de benda lain nak tulis.

Listen, I know some of you were thinking what I actually do here. Tak dak keje lain ke nak buat? Makcik kat kat kampong sure tercengang kalau depa tau and sure kena kutuk lah ‘belajaq tinggi tinggi, keja juai aiskrim saja?' Apa guna belajaq obersi?

Hessh. Banyak gunanya makcik oi.

I may not be a hotshot executive in some big corp. I may not be a financial controller or businessperson. I have tried that route before. I also have tasted what it was like to be a civil servant. I am not cut to be sitting at a desk all day. To some, it may sound like I lead a low scrapping life selling ice cream. Please, when you read this, don’t pity me, because I don’t really need it.

I like my job. I have the most flexible time in the world, except in summer la. My director, The Mentor, protects me from The Boss from breathing down my neck. She also doesn’t care how I do my job as long as I get them done. I can take time off (skive la) during the day to go for a haircut or do a little shopping, and she won’t mind. I decide how to do it and when to do it. (Yesterday, I was at Orange shop for 2 hours, tukar telefon baru and she knows about it) Also, she will wait until after noon before calling me up, if she knows I had a long day the night before (she'd let me sleep in).

I could take my friends with me for a little weekend getaway when I go up and down the country. I can start work late or early depending on my mood. My mobile bills are paid by the company (yes baby!) I don’t have a 9-5 punch card since my home is my office. My van and fuel all paid for by the company. I wear jeans and sneakers all the time (this reminds me I have to buy a new Nike). I can help myself to a whole loads of ice cream in the warehouse, like proven to Kakteh (mau lagi ka?) I also get to go to the backstage of west end theatres when I was doing my round and see rehearsals if I wish.

Do I sound smug? Hehehe... at least I don't think I was, just glad I got this job. Gary actually said it was intended for PS, really, but she decided not to come back to the UK. So, I told Gaz I wanted the job.

With a job like this, what else do I want, kan? When I feel down and tired with the work, I’d somehow think that there are people in jobs worst than mine. And because The Mentor treated me well and trusted my ability, I had to give back 120%. I’m not complaining.

So, yes people, I could have had good job that bore me to death, but instead, I am just a plain ice cream seller. Eh? Halal apa. I mean the ice cream is halal, hahahaa.

I tak main office politics, I don't stab behind someone's back, I don't berebut jawatan for promotion and I don't think I ever misuse my well connected networks of ice cream sellers :)Smell the lillies? I did.

But, you haven’t heard the stories of my two brothers, Na and Acik. Tu lagi terer! Both were former engineers but now they are doing something totally different.

Na decided to repair computers instead cos that’s his interest. Acik, he used to earn a living by jadi tukang urut reflexology (this was way when it wasn’t a trend yet) and now he’s just a farmer.

You see, we (me and my immediate family) are very sempoi. I think Mak would have been proud of us.The question is, do I want to live a different life? The grass always looks greener on the other side, but I know the greener the grass is, mesti lagi banyak slugs!

uninvited visitor

Oh my god!

What's happening at home now? I was just surfing the net when suddenly a policeman came into the living room. He took one look around and said 'it looks normal,' and he saw the aquarium and commented how nice it looks.

My flat was invaded by 4 police officers. With recent development in London, I get nervous when I see the police everywhere. I know they're patrolling the areas to ensure safety but heck! Look what happened to that Brazillian guy. We are not safe, not even from the police. And now they're inside my flat!

One of them said that they received a phone call from my address reporting some incident. Huh? We were clueless. As I remember, Maury and I were dancing to VH1 Classics and didn't hear anything at all. Marc was in his room doing whatever and Luca was with his fish.

After a while, they went out and we followed suit. All of us were lingering outside and saw 2 police cars with their lights on, brightening the whole stretch of the street. One of the officers, the most hensem of them all, started lecturing us about playing with phone. Bloody hell! Who did that anyway? Excuse me, we pleaded not guilty.

My eyes became blurry after seeing the bright lights so I came back inside and left them all. This was the third time I had police invading my flat.

First time. Back in MO, after the shooting incident at nearby old folks home. All residents at UP were advised to either go down to the basement or stay low in their own flats. It was 3 am, me and Che Lin were sobbing out hearts off watching Ghost, when suddenly there was a loud knock. With my red eyes, I opened the door and in front of me stood this macho muscled policeman. He was a gorgeous species! I felt like an idiot in my pjs, swollen eyes and dishevelled hair.

Second time. I just came back from work, feeling really tired and hungry after a long day at the aquatic center in STL. Didie came back a few minutes later after I started cooking, but she went straight to the phone to gayut with her then bf.

Chopped onions and threw everything in the pots when suddenly I heard the knock. With a senduk in my hand, I opened the door and saw 3 policemen. I was interrogated as if my senduk was my weapon. Esshh... They claimed they received a phone call from our home number and they responded within 5 minutes.

Man! They were real fast. But how could they trace our number when Didie was in fact glued to the phone unless she accidently punched 911?

I dunno what made me look out through the window but what I saw amazed me. There were 4 police cars and 1 sherrif car. All the people in the neighborhood came out to look. We girls were sure knocked for six.

But let me tell you this, the British police doesn't look as good as their American counterpart. The ones in STL were absolutely delicious looking fine specimen. Hahaha. I felt like pinching their arms and feel how strong they are. Mmmmmm.....

all flaws and in front of you

Sunday 11:07 am

This is utterly unbelievable. I’m here at a site, in a van, ready for business, but instead I’m writing an entry for blog. The weather is so horrible that I finally decided I should switch on my computer and do something before I die out of boredom.

Normally, I don’t have anywhere to connect for electricity, however, at this site, lucky me, they have an external socket. So, I can sit in here writing or watching dvd. For all I know, I probably won’t have any customers at all. The weird thing about the Brits is that be it freezing weather, they somehow will still enjoy their cold desserts. Mmm… I could never understand it.

Yesterday, Messed Up Girl did offer to come work with me at the site, but due to unforeseen circumstances, she couldn’t make it. It’s good that she didn’t come or else, she too, would die of boredom.

You know, it’s kinda funny when I say to some people (bloggers) that we should meet some times. I dunno whether I actually have the gut to go see them. So far, I’ve only met Kakteh, Min and Azuradec.

Min, for example, had been asking me out constantly, for few weeks until I finally had the courage to say yes for a drink. I met Kakteh for two reasons. One, she’s basically a family. Two, because I had Ahui with me, I didn’t really feel the anxiety. Meeting Azuradec was purely because I was just trying to be a good human being to another, and because I had the mean to help. I

tell you, before meeting them, I dread about it all week and I tried to delay as long as possible. It was actually scary. You read the stories of my life, know the demons I had to banish and learn what's inside my head, and I think it should stay that way. I don't think I have the energy to meet the other bloggers.

If you don’t know me, let me tell you that I am a shy person. I like keeping things to myself and do my own things alone. My blog life doesn’t reflect my real life. I maybe vocal, write rubbish things and swear a lot in blog, but I don’t talk that much, especially with strangers. If I find that your thoughts and mine are not on the same wavelength, I will start daydream and be lost in my own world. If I was mad or frustrated about something, you wouldn’t know it because I always hide them behind my smile.

When you read about my life here, you thought oh how brave she is when in fact I am scared shit. I do what I have to do because I want to be different and because I had to create my own destiny.I am not a social butterfly, and I am sure PS can vouch on this. The last time I was home, I hardly went out to meet people and I think she resented the fact that I was hibernating in my nest.

Every time she invited me to some parties with her fabulous friends, I declined and made a lot of excuses that she finally gave up on me. I am a true Cancer; always homely and a tad too sensitive. I know I disappointed you, PS and for that I am sorry.

The fact is I don’t know how to connect with these people. My life is mundane and too ordinary compared to them. My adventures are not as exciting and I am not as cultured.

Only when I am with good friends who know me inside out that I took off my mask. I laugh and joke a lot. I can be ridiculously funny, talk rubbish and be silly. I can be the brave Ewok, or Doraemon, Martha Stewart, Nigella Lawson, Henry VIII or sometimes Shakespeare when the occasion suits me, and they still would not think differently. They will still tell me straight to my face if what I was doing is not good for me. They are honest, sincere and critical. And I know it’s all because they love me.

I’ve been through a lot of stages where I was sad, mad and angry with my family. I distanced myself and I refused to go home. During this time, my friends were my family. Without them, I would have drifted away and never be found again. They keep me sane.

PS, I know I hurt you some times ago when you were here with me. Remember Agata and Agy? I am ashamed of myself for that. For a long time, I feel bad about it but I dunno how to tell you. I want you to know that I am very very sorry for treating you that way. Even after that incident, you never stopped being my friend. You never hesitated to tell me where I stand or where I do wrong. I can discuss with you everything and you won't be judgmental of my silliness and outrageousness. You can be the most messy cook ever but I know you would never let me mess up my life. I can always count on you to keep my feet on the ground.

Ju, I can never thank you enough for being the pillar in my life. You and your family welcomed me into your circle and given me love. You may be naïve sometimes but it is comforting to know that you will always be there when I needed someone to talk to. When I was in a deep shit, you’re the one who came to the rescue and pulled me out of it. You’re the rational and practical one. You are a great friend with big heart and with what little you have, you would share with me. You know, all those years ago, I let you bully me into doing pesky little things because I care for you.

To my best friends, I value your friendships more than ever. You may be far from me, but you never left my heart. I miss you so much, and that explains why you keep getting my phone calls all the time.

Love you lots.

Btw PS, you'd be glad to know that I finally finished To Kill A Mockingbird, a year too late. Normally, the bird mocks me when I was trying to read it before going to bed. No more baby, no more. It's really a fantastic book but I had to speed up because I want to start HP.

Almost a week after the bombings, today, I drove past King's Cross and Edgware Road stations. Life goes on as usual. The areas were busy as usual and traffic jam was as bad.

Everything on telly is talking about issues being British Muslims and the backlash. I had an heated discussion with Luca over the topic, and I found myself raising my voice as we got into the sensitive matter. I finally cooled down after I realized there was no point in sweating out over this thing. However much we try to reason things out, ignorants will always be ignorants. I shall keep away from them.

Of the number of people dead, 52 is a small number compared to the 911 or the Madrid incident or the thousands killed in Middle East. I know some of you probably will be horrified at what you're going to read so let me tell you, I abhor the attack on innocent lives but this is where I contradict myself. I say... only 4 explosions? They should have planned more, you know, at Victoria St., Finchley Rd., Embankment and Earl's Court. That should teach Blair something. Double standards kiss ass bastard!

Sorry guys. I had to let this out cos I'm frustrated with the argument I had just now and with the news on telly.

July is making me physically drained and diary for Aug is already full. The thing is I'm too tired that I can't think of anything witty or stupid to write.

Late afternoon, I received a phone call that one of my staff's mum passed away from heart attack, so he and his girlfriend are flying back home tonight. With more events but not enough staff, work is taking up so much of my time. I need sleep more than anything else.

Sidney Sloane, you know how it was, right? Maybe I should consider taking time off blogging. I'll be around, but am not gonna blog as often as before. Not too worry, Lil Ms D will be around too, I think. Well, only if she's ok with playing host cos I know she's bz too.

On a lighter note, I managed to put up songs on my blog. See Radio Ewok at the bottom of the sidebar. I've been jealous with atenah cos she got music on hers but I didn't want something that play automatically, so I created a playlist where I (you) can choose the songs I (you) like to listen to. Enjoy the music.So, I guess I see you when I see you.

Revenge of the Sin

It was just a matter of time. We all knew London is high on the list and they were going to bomb her, we just didn't know when. It was inevitable and now we see it happened.

All fingers are now pointing to Al-Qaeda. They sure know how to choose the busiest parts of the city at the busiest hour. Thousands of Londoners were trapped underground screaming for help and in a panic state. It was horrendous pictures, carriages blasted with glasses flying everywhere in the confined space.

Until now at least 38 were dead and over 700 were treated for casualties from the blasts.On the radio, one woman said the carriage next to hers, packed with commuters, exploded right in front of her eyes. As she ducked, she felt the glasses hit her from front and behind, and then everything blackened. When she finally moved, she saw blood dripping from her face and many fellow commuters were wounded.

People were crying and shaking, shocked and scared at the most horrible incident ever. Some were screaming 'Help us! Help us!' Some who were a little bit lucky managed to carry others to find a way out, while many more suffered cuts, broken bones and burns. A few had to be amputated due to the injuries they acquired.

The scenes where the bus exploded were bloodied, and eerie. Witnesses claimed they saw bodies flying from the top deck as everyone was running for their life. The building behind the bus was splattered with blood. Cars abandoned in the aftermath.

A man, who survived this, said he saw a woman trying to console her little girl who couldn't seem to stop crying. Imagine the trauma she'd have for the rest of her life.Nothing could have prepared us for this. It was so surreal.

The TfL (Transport for London) is totally crippled. All transportation coming in and out from London were suspended. Hundreds of thousands of people were had nowhere to go and some were wondering how to get home.

I was on the phone all day trying to get in touch with everyone. The Mentor was unreachable until after 3pm. Maury and Luca were home and they were trying to call me almost every hour. Was trying to reach Min but all phone networks were overloaded. Thank goodness Kakteh was still at home when I spoke to her.

As I was driving back into the city, the motorways were jam packed with people trying to leave the city. Many walked home. No one was coming in except weirdos like me who choose to live here. As I passed the M4, going towards Heathrow, I could see people walking and some were running on the kerb along the motorway with their baggages. Probably trying very hard not to miss their planes.

I was lucky. God spared me my life. Last night, I was contemplating whether I should go visiting the West End Theatres or go out to West country instead. I chose the latter. For this, I am grateful. Dunno what would have happened to me if I took the tube to the city. Thank you for asking about my wellbeing. I am ok, just shocked at the sheer madness of this event.

To the people who lost their family members in the explosions, all my condolences to you. To the people who are doing heroic efforts in providing emergency services and making sure London is back on her feet, I say thank you.

To the bombers, you make our life here miserable. Damn you bastards!

I had coffee, she had water

After long time planning to meet her, I finally able to find a day off on one weekend to go for coffee. We arranged to meet at 2pm in Leicester Square, and when I got there I was surprised to see so many people in front of Empire.

Oh! Premiere of Madagascar rupanya. Banyak betul penguins and lions berkeliaran sana sini, terlepas from their cages. While waiting for DrMyn to come, I managed to squeeze in between loads of people to catch a glimpse of David Swimmer aka Ross Gellar or even Ben Stiller. But kalau dah pendek tu pendek jugaklah, I couldn't see a thing except the bums of the paparazzi and the top of lion's head.

Min came 20 minutes later, ahem ahem... hehehe. Poor girl, she had to layan mamat nak beli rumah who kept asking her like she's a real estate lady.

We were supposed to have coffee but she doesn't drink coffee. Why oh why?Never mind. We sat in starbucks and talked and talked. Or she talked and I listened more. Or was it the other way around? heh... topics of conversation are blog, bloggers, school, work, ice cream, blog, bloggers, relationship, books, blog... hahahaha almost everything was related to blogs.

Sitting there from 2:30pm to almost 8pm, we only had one Frapuccino Mocha and a bottle of still water, but we sure laughed a lot. It was grand, until my tummy breakdanced and screamed for food.

Senang betul jalan ngan cik mek ni, dia cakap makan apa apa jelah. So hati pun kata nak makan yang simple je, nachos cukuplah. Tapi kena lak tunggu 15 minutes, tak tahan siot. I hauled her with me, we go eat mee kari kat belakang tu je. Sedap lagi this mee from the one I bought kat pasar malam di Oriental City tu. Next time I nak try the one she had, besar betul udang dia. Esshh.. lapar lah pulak bila cakap pasal food ni.

All the while, we had fun talking (I can't say the same for her la), but after speaking and listening to broken English by Italians, Poles and Africans, damn was I glad to hear familiar accent.

It was passed 9 when we decided to leave, and disebabkan tak puas bersembang, we walked to Marble Arch for me to catch a bus back. Tu pun tak abis sembang. Uissh!It was a fun day. Thank you for the great company.

warkah biru

Ke hadapan kekandaku Dina Zaman,

Pertama kali, saya ingin meminta maaf kalau cerita panas saya tu menggempurkan semua org termasuk lah diri awak sendiri.

Sebenarnya saya tak sengaja. Pada hari Sabtu hari tu, saya telah dapat email dari si dia. Dia kata hati dia tengah berbunga-bunga semenjak awak membalas warkah-warkah dia. Essh... tak sangka saya, saya ingatkan awak bukan minah bunga.

Disebabkan saya ni orang tengah, dan selepas berbulan-bulan dah kering air liur saya memujuk, saya menjadi terlebih teruja oleh perkembangan kisah saudari dan tak dapat menahan kegembiraan. Satu hari saya tersengih macam kerang busuk.

Saya harap saudari dapat melihat sendiri dari bingkisan yang diterima kesucian dan kebaikan hati dia tu. Percayalah (cue - sesapa tolong nyanyi lagu Siti sat) Dia tu tak serupa lelaki-lelaki durjana yang awak kenali selama ini yang ada bini dan anak 4-5 orang di rumah tetapi berpoya-poya dengan kekasih sesuka hati. Mereka ini tidak ada hati perut dan tidak reti menghargai hati seorang perempuan yang tulus dan suci.

Memandangkan keluarga si dia berasal dari utara, dan telah bermastautin di negeri orang, adinda begitu yakin bahawa kami tidak tergolong dalam kumpulan-kumpulan keluarga elit di Kola Lumpor. Kalau ada pun, kitaorang tak mengaku sedara. Apatah lagi dengan mamat ni yg dibesarkan di Amerika, dia tak kenal dan memang tak ada konco-konco kat KL pun.

Kekandaku, saya rasakan kekanda sungguh sesuai untuk digandingkan dengan dia tu. Saya nampak hati budi dan keikhlasan naluri insani saudari. Disebabkan faktor-faktor inilah saya berusaha bertungkus lumus untuk menyatukan dua hati. (Majikan saya kata kat saya 'awak tu pandai lah pulak nak satukan hati org, hati awak tah ke mana') Takpe takpe, berkat.

Di sini saya ingin memberitahu jugaklah, bahawasanya dia sekarang menggunakan akaun MK saya untuk membaca karya-karya awak. Tak pe kan?

Saya harap dengan penjelasan saya ini, awak tak ler marah saya lagi sebab saya blog kisah awak tu. Mintak maaf ya. Saaaaayaang awak!

Kalau boleh, rajin-rajinlah saudari tulis email mengenai perkembangan yang tengah berputik tu. Tapi saya cuba berjanji saya tak bising-bising kat blog lagi dah (Cuba je tau)

Sekian.
Yang amat merinduimu,
Ewok


Note: Cikgu BM saya kata saya fail, dpt D+ je. Huuuhuhu. Tapi takpe asalkan dia tak paham apa saya tulis :)

cerita panaasss!

Yes, I got your email.

Ahem ahem…Now I know what you’ve been doing behind my back, huh? So, you want to korek rahsia aah? *wink wink*

I thought you have taken a step further? These days, everytime I tried calling you and him, both phones were busy sokmo. Now, don’t go telling me you haven’t got anyone to date anymore.

Ok. Let me tell you, the readers, a different story, other than her clumsiness with ice cream.The intro.

When I was in the States a few years back, I got a huge crush on a cousin of mine. He used to live in Houston, Texas. His mom is anak to my mom’s pakcik punya anak sedara (essh betul lah kot.. hentam saja lah, janji sedara) Long long time ago, his mom jauh hati with her brothers and family because of harta peninggalan pusaka.

She was a teacher, and she met my uncle Charles when he came to Msia for foreign exchange program at her school. To make the story short, they got married and moved to Texas. I never met her, but I heard lotsa stories bout them. So, in Fall 1996, I went to meet the whole family.

The aunt was so happy to meet me that she hugged me nonstop, and uncle was so unlike abrasive american men I saw on telly. My jaw dropped when I first saw my cousin. Manyak hensem ooohh. Gentleman somemore, and everytime I talked to him my heart would go thump thump thunmp… but after a few months, I forgot about him and moved on to Tom Cruise (that was when he was charming with ‘You complete me’ bullshit).

But there was no way I was gonna lose contact with Bard Lawrence, that’s what we called him. Nama penuh rahsia ya :) Over the years, after a few heartbreaks and career change, we managed to keep in touch and update each other with the tales of our life.

He’s been back to Msia a few times to visit his mom’s kampong, and being the kind soul that he is (eh eh… match made in heaven no?), he patches things up with the families.

Background
Mmm... Let’s see. He’s 5’11, lives in NYC and he has nice beard trimmed to perfection. Kalau tengok his face lama lama, cair ooh. As I remember, his bulu mata are long and very lentik one. Now, at 39 and a successful banker, he’s still single and to his mother’s horror, he seemed to avoid real relationship.

From his stories, I noticed there are always some faults with his previous gfs. Too American, too demure, too aggressive, too nice, too loud, and too quiet and the list go on and on and on. Sampai mak dia pening.

Current Affairs
This is where I came in. Hahahaa… makcik nak play matchmaker kan, so I got this brilliant idea like few months ago. Nyeeh..nyeeh nyeh.. I wanted to get one recently single ‘not so nice Malay girl’ (oii, jgn marah yek, that’s your own words what :) to get together with Bard.

She said tak ready. He said tak kuasa.

She said too far. He said giler ke apa.

She said ask Bah. He said talk to Ma!

Ak eleh! Main tarik tali pulak.

After much cajoling and pleading and sweet-talking (penat tau!), he emailed her and it seems like she responded well. Woohooo.. suka nye hati saya! After that, of course I faded into the background, as they took off in a jumbo jet.

Heehe.. kasi chan lah kan, mana tau nanti kita jadi sedara, kan kan kan? But don’t worry, people may know you but they don’t know him. Unless they kidnap me and ask him to pay ransom.

So, that’s how it started. These days, if you called her, and she’s not answering, paham paham sendiri laa… She might be under her duvet, talking to someone in NYC.Heheh... kak, how deep have you fallen?

Don't talk to me, I'm not in the mood

For the last few weeks, Luca has an assistant working with him. This guy normally would spend at last 4 nights in our flat, and he sleeps in the living room. I have nothing against people coming to the flat and stay overnight. I, myself used to accommodate lotsa friends too.

However, this guy irritates me to no end. He probably is a nice guy, but for some reason I can't stand whatever he did or said.

First, when he speaks his voice was really slow and he kinda drags his voice like a girl. I had to strain my ears to listen to him. Most of the time, I can only hear his mumbles and I get frustrated because I had to ask him to repeat himself several times. When I told him to speak up, instead of raising his voice, he would come next to me shoving his face in mine. Urrgh! Now, I just don't pay attention anymore.

Second, whenever I was engrossed in something, be it watching the telly or most of the time I was reading blogs, he will try to engage in meaningless conversation. Hello?! Can't you see I was doing something else? Can't you tell I didn't want to speak to you? I was ignoring you so please just leave me alone. I am content with just sitting there and not talking at all.

Third, his remarks and comments irk me most of the time. For example, he asked about Ahui everytime he came to the house. I dunno how many times I have to tell him that Ahui has gone home for good. . He irritates me when he said he missed her. How, for goodness sake, can you miss someone you just met twice? She didn’t have conversation long enough to be his friend. Acquaintance yes, but friend no. I ended up having a debate with him. Haah!

Today, I bought a 3m gazebo for the garden and all afternoon I was putting that up. By the time Luca and Maury came home, I finished doing everything. Then, he came in and asked me whether I did it myself. Of course lah mangkuk ayun! Do you think there's an angel helping me? He praised me saying that I was a strong woman bla bla bla…

Oh please! Save it for someone else. Any woman could do it, if they didn’t pretend to be so helpless like a damsel need rescuing.

Me, I just hate waiting for someone else to do it for me. If I want something, I have to do it myself cos most of the time it will never get done or take a looooong time to even start. Well, unless you're a pretty woman with a gedik attitude to match.

“Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man and work like a dog.” Caroline K. Simon