Funny eh? I got so many things I want to write about and when I'm in front of the computer, they all puff into the air. There's something in the water :)
I've never received so many text messages in my life before like I did a few days ago. Perasan glemer sekejap. Ahakkksss.
Anyway, back to real life. I'm going to whine about the lack of my social life. Honestly, it has gone from bad to worse. Work is taking up most of my time, working till late hours. It may sound good or exciting on papers, but the down side of it is that I hardly had time to even go out for a coffee with a friend anymore.
When was the last time I went out for a walk? 6 weeks ago maybe.
I was away last friday and only got home on monday, and I'm going away again this friday only to come home next tuesday. If I managed to stay alive, that is.
Ok, now I remember what I want to write.
What I want to say is that people change.
Heh... tetiba je masuk bab ni. Someone made a comment to me which I feel memang kena kat batang hidung I. But the thing is that komen kena to the former me, before I started to go through another transformation.
I have gone through phases, which I believe everyone does too. When I was young, I was a bully, loud and naughty. I did some of the unthinkable, but I was brave and foolish at the same time.
Then I became the nice person, who wouldn't even break a rule. Always jovial and helpful, but I didn't know much about everything else. I thought the world belongs to me.
At some point, I changed to become someone who rebel and hate other people's company. I wanted to do things on my own, wanted to be different, didn't care if I'm accepted or not, and I was a loner. I had that 'who cares' attitude.
In recent time, I broke a few laws, became restless, heartbroken, lost my confidence, had low self-esteem, didn't think much of the consequences, didn't like talking to people and was still a loner.
However, things are changing, yet again. I think I have become a deep thinker and listen a lot. Still brave but dah ada perasaan takut tu. My heart still stay the same, but my common sense is telling me that some things need to be done differently. I may break a few more laws, do foolish stunts, but I am thinking about the right things to do for the future.
Believe it or not, without me realising it, I'm opening up to people now. Slowly. Through blog and other venues. I'm trying to rid my shyness. heh
The point is some things that I said years ago may not valid today. One cannot hold that against me. I may have a good reason for saying it at that time but it could have been irrelevant at this point. I cannot help myself but to go along with the changes if I think it's best for me.
Deep down, I am still me. I still have the same characters I had when I was young. The only thing that is changing are the way I think and the way I do things.
And there're some good people left in the world. I'm one of them. Hehehe...
Thursday, 25 May 2006
Wednesday, 17 May 2006
a friend with benefit
Today I received a new friend from a friend.
Meet my garden gnome, George. Unfortunate for him, I haven't got a garden but a semak samun kat belakang rumah, so for the rest of his life, he's going to be locked up inside. When the World Cup starts, we are going to camp in front of the telly and sing World at Your Feet.
Honestly, I am quite light hearted today.
Everything seems to form right in front of my eyes. Or maybe I am looking at the path I'm supposed to take? Could be.
Or maybe I have to create new challenges for myself? Could be.
Or maybe I finally see what I haven't seen before? Could be.
Great. Now I have to get down to business and plan.
Sometimes I confused myself. I think I have too many plans that I do not know which one is the best to follow.
Yesterday, I thought to myself, 'what you read is not what you see/get'. Not a 100%. There are things that should be kept hidden, but sometimes truth need to be told.
Dear God, please tunjukkan hamba mu yang hina ini jalan yang baik untuk diikuti. Jalan yang diredhai oleh Mu. Yang membahagiakan and boleh menenangkan hati, kalau yang memberikan kemewahan pun boleh jugak. Amin.
PS, mana ko ni? ingat tak 4 years ago, aku kat sini tengah busy jual aiskrim and you were there and you updated me with scores between England and Argentina? This year I'd wake you up and kita sesama tengok, from 2 continents jurang jauh cemana pun tak leh memisahkan kita. cewah.. heheheh
Meet my garden gnome, George. Unfortunate for him, I haven't got a garden but a semak samun kat belakang rumah, so for the rest of his life, he's going to be locked up inside. When the World Cup starts, we are going to camp in front of the telly and sing World at Your Feet.Honestly, I am quite light hearted today.
Everything seems to form right in front of my eyes. Or maybe I am looking at the path I'm supposed to take? Could be.
Or maybe I have to create new challenges for myself? Could be.
Or maybe I finally see what I haven't seen before? Could be.
Great. Now I have to get down to business and plan.
Sometimes I confused myself. I think I have too many plans that I do not know which one is the best to follow.
Yesterday, I thought to myself, 'what you read is not what you see/get'. Not a 100%. There are things that should be kept hidden, but sometimes truth need to be told.
Dear God, please tunjukkan hamba mu yang hina ini jalan yang baik untuk diikuti. Jalan yang diredhai oleh Mu. Yang membahagiakan and boleh menenangkan hati, kalau yang memberikan kemewahan pun boleh jugak. Amin.
PS, mana ko ni? ingat tak 4 years ago, aku kat sini tengah busy jual aiskrim and you were there and you updated me with scores between England and Argentina? This year I'd wake you up and kita sesama tengok, from 2 continents jurang jauh cemana pun tak leh memisahkan kita. cewah.. heheheh
Wednesday, 10 May 2006
Hola! Espana
Hola!
What a very tiring but satisfying day so far in Barca.
The flight from Gatwick was a little too much because there were too many loud English girls onboard. From the moment we took off until we touched down, I didn´t have any quiet time to nap. They even clapped and cheered when the plane landed on the runway. Hmmm...
The view from up above was phenomenal with the Spanish mountains and sea caling out to me.
From the aeroport I figured out it might be faster to take the train, but unfortunately I had to make too many changes that I wasted one hour trying to figure it out.
Once I came out from Plaza Catalunya into the streets, I was taken aback by Barcelona´s beauty. Her wonderful architectures and cultural aspects are unbelievable. Wonderful.
I stopped a policeman for direction to La Rambla while I was looking for the hostel and trust me, La Rambla is the place you want to be.
I amazed myself with my Spanish. No habla mucho espanyal, but I get by with a few words. Ahaks. I guess everyone does too.
Fortunate for me that my hostel is right in the middle of La Rambla itself. I left my bag and went down hunting for whatever. The cafes are just as luring as her architectures. Sipping the second sangria in my life ever, I sat quietly watching passers by, and for awhile there my worries seem to vanish.
What a very tiring but satisfying day so far in Barca.
The flight from Gatwick was a little too much because there were too many loud English girls onboard. From the moment we took off until we touched down, I didn´t have any quiet time to nap. They even clapped and cheered when the plane landed on the runway. Hmmm...
The view from up above was phenomenal with the Spanish mountains and sea caling out to me.
From the aeroport I figured out it might be faster to take the train, but unfortunately I had to make too many changes that I wasted one hour trying to figure it out.
Once I came out from Plaza Catalunya into the streets, I was taken aback by Barcelona´s beauty. Her wonderful architectures and cultural aspects are unbelievable. Wonderful.
I stopped a policeman for direction to La Rambla while I was looking for the hostel and trust me, La Rambla is the place you want to be.
I amazed myself with my Spanish. No habla mucho espanyal, but I get by with a few words. Ahaks. I guess everyone does too.
Fortunate for me that my hostel is right in the middle of La Rambla itself. I left my bag and went down hunting for whatever. The cafes are just as luring as her architectures. Sipping the second sangria in my life ever, I sat quietly watching passers by, and for awhile there my worries seem to vanish.
Tuesday, 9 May 2006
gulp!
Cancer - June 21 - July 22
Hard work usually pays off, but not in your case. Luckily for the rest of us you carry on regardless because you're a sucker and fearful of confrontation. These character flaws actually make you a winner in the survival of the thickest, and you'll live long and prosper - as long as you remember to do the washing up, buy bog roll, etc. Remember, the urge to protect and nurture loved ones is valid even if they don't notice, so keep up the good (house) work.
May I live long and prosper. Amin.
Hard work usually pays off, but not in your case. Luckily for the rest of us you carry on regardless because you're a sucker and fearful of confrontation. These character flaws actually make you a winner in the survival of the thickest, and you'll live long and prosper - as long as you remember to do the washing up, buy bog roll, etc. Remember, the urge to protect and nurture loved ones is valid even if they don't notice, so keep up the good (house) work.
May I live long and prosper. Amin.
Monday, 8 May 2006
The Office and Tom Tom
I had to write this before I become more cranky. At this moment I letih semacam je.
I had a frustrating morning that lead me to think I don't want to do this anymore. I am serious. I know I have been thinking about it since last year and I may leave at the end of this year, but today is the final straw. I finally felt that this is it.
I am so tired of the fiascos I had to face at the office. With the customers, the suppliers, the drivers, the people in the freezer, the people at Eng*lish Heri*tage and with driving around the country.
I have seen enough, I think. I have been to almost every nook and cranny of England that I might vomit maps now. I might as well be Tom Tom the satellite navigator too. For once, I want to take the bus or even ride my bike to work.
Today is The Mentor's first day at work after 2 weeks of holiday in Karachi. I told her what I felt and I knew she would understand because sometimes she feels the same. All she gets are phone calls about problem after problem, but without that much support from others.
What I need to do now is to find someone to train and take with me for events, and in one or two months let him takes over. It could be sooner. Who knows?
She said she's going to miss me. Mmmm... I know she will, and I will miss her too.
It's good that I'm off to Barca even though it is just for 2 nights. When I come back, I need to take more risks with my life and maybe pursue things that I dream of doing.
I had a frustrating morning that lead me to think I don't want to do this anymore. I am serious. I know I have been thinking about it since last year and I may leave at the end of this year, but today is the final straw. I finally felt that this is it.
I am so tired of the fiascos I had to face at the office. With the customers, the suppliers, the drivers, the people in the freezer, the people at Eng*lish Heri*tage and with driving around the country.
I have seen enough, I think. I have been to almost every nook and cranny of England that I might vomit maps now. I might as well be Tom Tom the satellite navigator too. For once, I want to take the bus or even ride my bike to work.
Today is The Mentor's first day at work after 2 weeks of holiday in Karachi. I told her what I felt and I knew she would understand because sometimes she feels the same. All she gets are phone calls about problem after problem, but without that much support from others.
What I need to do now is to find someone to train and take with me for events, and in one or two months let him takes over. It could be sooner. Who knows?
She said she's going to miss me. Mmmm... I know she will, and I will miss her too.
It's good that I'm off to Barca even though it is just for 2 nights. When I come back, I need to take more risks with my life and maybe pursue things that I dream of doing.
of compassion and alter ego
I have been in a limbo, and as I get older I worry too much.
Many moons ago I planted an idea into someone's head, thinking that it was a good idea for that person to explore and begin an adventure. I did this all the time. I mean giving people these kind of ideas i.e. going to work in Dubai, on a cruise ship, going backpacking in Europe etc etc.
I like my comfort zone but at the same time I do like exploring and trying out things. If it didn't work out, well hey, at least I gave it a go. Btw, I'm going to Barcelona on Tuesday. Woohoo!
Right. Some people don't take me seriously, some sneered at me, a few dared taking up the chances but the rest just didn't give a damn. Hehe. But I do things my way. I believe most people are like that, or they think that they want to do things their way, but circumstances don't allow them so they do it the way they think society approves. Oh man! I don't make sense, do I?
Anyway, when you planted an idea into someone's head, and helped nurtured it, indirectly, it's like bringing something new to your world. There will be a point when you feel responsible for it. It doesn't matter if that someone is capable of handling oneself, because the point is that you were there to assist in almost every way possible.
I guess when unexpected bittersweet things happened, wiping up your existense and leaving your heart with a little hole, it's natural that you'd feel like you're in a turmoil. It's not even your life, but the question is why should you care?
Because as human being, I believe we have to have compassion. Be a little humane. Not to the point of being paranoia, but enough to show that you care and to know that your heart is still beating. There are too many nastiness and cruelty and I don't want the people around me to be added to the statistics.
I need to believe that there are still some people who will go out of their way to be good samaritans. I'm not a saint and we can't help the whole world, but I know we can help the person next to us.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately for the next few days I won't be around. Barcelona is waiting for my arrival. But if you need me, just touch your nose because my alter ego Superwok will jump to the rescue (in her seat).
Many moons ago I planted an idea into someone's head, thinking that it was a good idea for that person to explore and begin an adventure. I did this all the time. I mean giving people these kind of ideas i.e. going to work in Dubai, on a cruise ship, going backpacking in Europe etc etc.
I like my comfort zone but at the same time I do like exploring and trying out things. If it didn't work out, well hey, at least I gave it a go. Btw, I'm going to Barcelona on Tuesday. Woohoo!
Right. Some people don't take me seriously, some sneered at me, a few dared taking up the chances but the rest just didn't give a damn. Hehe. But I do things my way. I believe most people are like that, or they think that they want to do things their way, but circumstances don't allow them so they do it the way they think society approves. Oh man! I don't make sense, do I?
Anyway, when you planted an idea into someone's head, and helped nurtured it, indirectly, it's like bringing something new to your world. There will be a point when you feel responsible for it. It doesn't matter if that someone is capable of handling oneself, because the point is that you were there to assist in almost every way possible.
I guess when unexpected bittersweet things happened, wiping up your existense and leaving your heart with a little hole, it's natural that you'd feel like you're in a turmoil. It's not even your life, but the question is why should you care?
Because as human being, I believe we have to have compassion. Be a little humane. Not to the point of being paranoia, but enough to show that you care and to know that your heart is still beating. There are too many nastiness and cruelty and I don't want the people around me to be added to the statistics.
I need to believe that there are still some people who will go out of their way to be good samaritans. I'm not a saint and we can't help the whole world, but I know we can help the person next to us.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately for the next few days I won't be around. Barcelona is waiting for my arrival. But if you need me, just touch your nose because my alter ego Superwok will jump to the rescue (in her seat).
Friday, 5 May 2006
of weddings and losing weight
I have two weddings at the end of this year. Did I tell you I actually don't like this kind of gathering? or in fact, any kind of gatherings with too many crowd. Well, yeah. So I have these weddings, one in September in Poland, and another in December in Malaysia.
My right hand man at work has invited me, and since we have gotten very close over the last 3 years, I said I'd go. It will be kinda different because I've never been to a Polish wedding before. The Mentor was also invited, and we have already make plans to hire a car and drive around in the country. She warned me not to get too drunk like them Poles since they are well known for being heavy vodka drinkers. Heh, as if la boss.
I was told that the bride's mother is so excited that I'm coming, it seems like she is so eager to meet me after hearing all about me. I hope she didn't hear anything bad though. I told the bride that we would be just like cats and dogs since I wouldn't be able to understand her at all because she doesn't know a word of English. I can get by with a few Polish phrases especially the cursing words, but I don't think they will be pleased to hear that.
Another wedding is in Muar. I called it My Best Friend's Wedding. Not too worry, I won't do a Julia Roberts to you guys. Hehe. I don't know yet whether I can make it or not. I feel it's not fair to her if I didn't go because how could a person do that to her best friend, right? If I'm not thinking straight, I would just go on impulse and buy the ticket and fly home, but I have many issues to consider before I could make a decision. I honestly want to be there but my desire cannot rule my reality. For that, I, your humble friend, would like to apologise for it.
It would be great to be back even if it's just for a week. Just to touch base. And probably surprise people with me losing more weight. Hehe. Of course, that is one of the things people must do to attend weddings. I have to find the right dresses, the right shoes, the right gifts bla bla bla. I promise not to buy a toaster or a set of juice glasses. No photo album and not another kettle either. Ahaks.
So yeah, it has been an uphill struggle to lose weight. I have a diet buddy and for the last few months it seemed like it was working fine. Unfortunately for both of us, we have taken a break at the same time and now my weight has shoot up again. I think it's time to get back in the game.
Though I think I was doing fine actually. In the last few days, I have forgotten to eat. Ok ok, it's not good for the body but when I am happy, I would be eating all the time and that didn't help either. But the things is when I have many things in my head, the body automatically switched to no food zone. Yesterday, I only managed to grab a bite of tasteless tuna sandwich for lunch and nothing for dinner. And the day before that I don't remember eating at all. If I go on like this, I'd be pencil thin by next month. Ahaks, wishful thinking ewok, wishful thinking.
Tonight, however, it's makan time! We are celebrating AG's birthday. I wish you have a long life ahead, sifu. It has been a pleasure knowing you.
My right hand man at work has invited me, and since we have gotten very close over the last 3 years, I said I'd go. It will be kinda different because I've never been to a Polish wedding before. The Mentor was also invited, and we have already make plans to hire a car and drive around in the country. She warned me not to get too drunk like them Poles since they are well known for being heavy vodka drinkers. Heh, as if la boss.
I was told that the bride's mother is so excited that I'm coming, it seems like she is so eager to meet me after hearing all about me. I hope she didn't hear anything bad though. I told the bride that we would be just like cats and dogs since I wouldn't be able to understand her at all because she doesn't know a word of English. I can get by with a few Polish phrases especially the cursing words, but I don't think they will be pleased to hear that.
Another wedding is in Muar. I called it My Best Friend's Wedding. Not too worry, I won't do a Julia Roberts to you guys. Hehe. I don't know yet whether I can make it or not. I feel it's not fair to her if I didn't go because how could a person do that to her best friend, right? If I'm not thinking straight, I would just go on impulse and buy the ticket and fly home, but I have many issues to consider before I could make a decision. I honestly want to be there but my desire cannot rule my reality. For that, I, your humble friend, would like to apologise for it.
It would be great to be back even if it's just for a week. Just to touch base. And probably surprise people with me losing more weight. Hehe. Of course, that is one of the things people must do to attend weddings. I have to find the right dresses, the right shoes, the right gifts bla bla bla. I promise not to buy a toaster or a set of juice glasses. No photo album and not another kettle either. Ahaks.
So yeah, it has been an uphill struggle to lose weight. I have a diet buddy and for the last few months it seemed like it was working fine. Unfortunately for both of us, we have taken a break at the same time and now my weight has shoot up again. I think it's time to get back in the game.
Though I think I was doing fine actually. In the last few days, I have forgotten to eat. Ok ok, it's not good for the body but when I am happy, I would be eating all the time and that didn't help either. But the things is when I have many things in my head, the body automatically switched to no food zone. Yesterday, I only managed to grab a bite of tasteless tuna sandwich for lunch and nothing for dinner. And the day before that I don't remember eating at all. If I go on like this, I'd be pencil thin by next month. Ahaks, wishful thinking ewok, wishful thinking.
Tonight, however, it's makan time! We are celebrating AG's birthday. I wish you have a long life ahead, sifu. It has been a pleasure knowing you.
Thursday, 4 May 2006
of being ice cube
My darling PS said I'm like an ice cube. Tuang air je senang cair and I'm easy to become another cube when needed. Hummmppp... I thought I'm more like a bird, but you have been with me during my ups and downs and you know me well, inside and out.
You could be right babe, but you know what? I didn't ask to be built this way. And after all these years, I don't think I can change. I might be an ice cube but definitely not an ice queen. Heh.
More than often I wonder how to be one, but in the end my conscience will hold me back. So, I guess there's nothing else to do then except walk away, again.
One thing for sure is that my life here is not done.
I miss you, CJ and JackJack. So much.
You could be right babe, but you know what? I didn't ask to be built this way. And after all these years, I don't think I can change. I might be an ice cube but definitely not an ice queen. Heh.
More than often I wonder how to be one, but in the end my conscience will hold me back. So, I guess there's nothing else to do then except walk away, again.
One thing for sure is that my life here is not done.
I miss you, CJ and JackJack. So much.
Saturday, 29 April 2006
of being scared
Last night before I went to sleep, I asked a friend about dreams and nightmare. A very bad mistake! I shouldn't have asked.
I had not one but 3 nightmares.
One, as I remember vaguely, I was looking at a car crash in the making in slow motion. Two women suddenly crashed into a wall and blood was all over the place. The car was beyond repair and one woman came out with one eye popped out.
Two, there was a girl in a red car. The rear door was opened and I can see her struggling on the back seat, fighting off an evil plant that was trying to kill her.
Three, this is the scariest because it seemed real. A figure in black hooded cloak walked into the room through the back door and was walking toward me. I saw it and I wanted to ask for help but I was unable to scream. It was like my lips are sealed. I think I was really trashing in my sleep that I might have disturbed the whole neighborhood. When I finally woke up, I went to shut that door straight away.
Damn door! If it's shut then I will feel like I'm in a desert in Afrika, and now I can't have it open because I am scared that some stranger may actually walk in during the night.
I won't be able to sleep either way now. But that would probably make someone happy because I won't be throwing my arms and legs all over the bed and disturb her sleep.
I have never been scared like this before. I had dreams where I cried in my sleep but not this. I'm awake but I'm just too scared to go back to sleep.
Bloody hell! I die a thousand death la. A cat just walked pass the window and scared the hell out of me. Mmmm... I just can't win, can I? Even a cat can scare me now. Eh, I ain't got 9 lives ya know. Aiyaa.. I think I'd just go back under the duvet and try to close my eyes again.
I had not one but 3 nightmares.
One, as I remember vaguely, I was looking at a car crash in the making in slow motion. Two women suddenly crashed into a wall and blood was all over the place. The car was beyond repair and one woman came out with one eye popped out.
Two, there was a girl in a red car. The rear door was opened and I can see her struggling on the back seat, fighting off an evil plant that was trying to kill her.
Three, this is the scariest because it seemed real. A figure in black hooded cloak walked into the room through the back door and was walking toward me. I saw it and I wanted to ask for help but I was unable to scream. It was like my lips are sealed. I think I was really trashing in my sleep that I might have disturbed the whole neighborhood. When I finally woke up, I went to shut that door straight away.
Damn door! If it's shut then I will feel like I'm in a desert in Afrika, and now I can't have it open because I am scared that some stranger may actually walk in during the night.
I won't be able to sleep either way now. But that would probably make someone happy because I won't be throwing my arms and legs all over the bed and disturb her sleep.
I have never been scared like this before. I had dreams where I cried in my sleep but not this. I'm awake but I'm just too scared to go back to sleep.
Bloody hell! I die a thousand death la. A cat just walked pass the window and scared the hell out of me. Mmmm... I just can't win, can I? Even a cat can scare me now. Eh, I ain't got 9 lives ya know. Aiyaa.. I think I'd just go back under the duvet and try to close my eyes again.
Wednesday, 26 April 2006
a promise to myself
As I was sitting in the tube last night, suddenly there was a rush of feelings running havoc inside of me. I've been busy maintaining dignity and being peaceful, it's tempting to think that I'm detached and there's no place for big feelings.
Well, it doesn't work that way. I know it's ok to feel angry when someone really hacks me off. It's ok to feel huge sadness and grief when I lose a loved one. And it's ok to feel tremendous joy. Sitting on my feelings isn't a good idea. They just get squashed that way.
Sometimes I grieve silently when people talked about their parents. Just listening to them talking about summer holidays and spending time with their families makes me envy them. Technically, I am an orphan, but after so many years of trying to maintain dignity and appearance by not showing that I am weak or out of control, I know it didn't do me any good, even though I was trying to get over the difficult times.
I brought these feelings with me but I just have to learn to walk away. I know we all hate to fail, hate to give up, hate to give in. Sometimes things are simply not going to happen the way we want and when shit happens, we have to learn to shrug and walk away with our pride intact.
In recent times, there were moments when I feel that I want to get even but being slightly older and wiser, it's just a total waste of time. Yeah, I do think that I am a little wiser now and I would walk away from such stupid feeling.
There is no one else. No matter how much I want to remain as a child (sometimes I act like one too), I am all grown-up and I'm on my own now. That's a fact. It does sound scary and believe me it is terrifying because whether I like it or not, all I got is myself. But I'm not going to let the situation controls me. I choose how to make my bed with every action and every decision.
It's like an instant karma. It is my bed and I am going to lie in it. Everything I do will dictate whether my life is going to run happily or badly. And whatever I do and how I do it will come back to me in spades.
However rushed and fraught I am, I'm making a promise to myself that I should always make the effort to do the right thing and remember good manners. At least I want to try because they cost nothing and yet can generate goodwill and make everyone's life (including mine) much better and pleasant. A simple thank you, a little politeness and being hospitable go a long long way.
We all lead increasingly busy, frantic lives. We all get caught up in chaotic lives to such extent that we lose sight of where we were going and what we were going to achieve. It's time to take a little break, look back, touch base and move on.
A man with an impressive name, Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi said, 'The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles.'
I can vouch that what he said is true. Now it's my turn to listen.
Well, it doesn't work that way. I know it's ok to feel angry when someone really hacks me off. It's ok to feel huge sadness and grief when I lose a loved one. And it's ok to feel tremendous joy. Sitting on my feelings isn't a good idea. They just get squashed that way.
Sometimes I grieve silently when people talked about their parents. Just listening to them talking about summer holidays and spending time with their families makes me envy them. Technically, I am an orphan, but after so many years of trying to maintain dignity and appearance by not showing that I am weak or out of control, I know it didn't do me any good, even though I was trying to get over the difficult times.
I brought these feelings with me but I just have to learn to walk away. I know we all hate to fail, hate to give up, hate to give in. Sometimes things are simply not going to happen the way we want and when shit happens, we have to learn to shrug and walk away with our pride intact.
In recent times, there were moments when I feel that I want to get even but being slightly older and wiser, it's just a total waste of time. Yeah, I do think that I am a little wiser now and I would walk away from such stupid feeling.
There is no one else. No matter how much I want to remain as a child (sometimes I act like one too), I am all grown-up and I'm on my own now. That's a fact. It does sound scary and believe me it is terrifying because whether I like it or not, all I got is myself. But I'm not going to let the situation controls me. I choose how to make my bed with every action and every decision.
It's like an instant karma. It is my bed and I am going to lie in it. Everything I do will dictate whether my life is going to run happily or badly. And whatever I do and how I do it will come back to me in spades.
However rushed and fraught I am, I'm making a promise to myself that I should always make the effort to do the right thing and remember good manners. At least I want to try because they cost nothing and yet can generate goodwill and make everyone's life (including mine) much better and pleasant. A simple thank you, a little politeness and being hospitable go a long long way.
We all lead increasingly busy, frantic lives. We all get caught up in chaotic lives to such extent that we lose sight of where we were going and what we were going to achieve. It's time to take a little break, look back, touch base and move on.
A man with an impressive name, Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi said, 'The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles.'
I can vouch that what he said is true. Now it's my turn to listen.
Friday, 14 April 2006
kwik fit
These last few days, I sakit pinggang. If at KL, sure I zoom to zen soul for their heavenly massage. Oh how I miss the city and the good people. Sigh.
Semalam my friend came back happy. She met Colin Firth. Gila best! She even served him. Waahhhhhhh... Why I tak jumpa famous people this year ek? Bad luck ke apa..
Semalam my friend came back happy. She met Colin Firth. Gila best! She even served him. Waahhhhhhh... Why I tak jumpa famous people this year ek? Bad luck ke apa..
Sunday, 9 April 2006
bodoh..
Americans are Idiot! Ade ke patut they voted Mandisa out...
tak puas hati siot! this can't be right. telinga they all tersumbat ke apa? Cissss..
tak puas hati siot! this can't be right. telinga they all tersumbat ke apa? Cissss..
Friday, 7 April 2006
of mirror image
It's very tiring driving around the country in the heat. Yes, it's getting very warm in the last few days. In fact, just being in the flat makes me feel like I am in Africa. It doesn't help that the rest of the occupants actually like the warmth. I would love to sleep in the nude, but since it's not possible, I resort to opening the door at night.
On Tuesday, I was in Whitby Abbey near Scarborough and spent the night in Peterlee. The next day, I was sent running around in Yorkshire meeting a few people. I was about to drive to Nottingham when I got a call from The Mentor telling me to go home because the office has messed up thing.
Ah well. I was quite happy to go home.
Yesterday, I met The Mentor at the office, discussing about our events for this season. Starting from next weekend until the end of August, I will be working almost every weekend. It's too bad that even on my birthday I have to work. Sigh.
Last night, after I left the office, she rang me and asked to stop at services for dinner with her. It has been awhile since I last had a long chat so I agreed to it. I kinda miss talking to her. She can really boost my spirit. Not many people can have a good relationship with their boss, but to me, she is also a friend.
Sometimes I think that she is the older version of me. She led a double lives, trying to fit herself in two worlds. But on the other hand, she doesn't give a damn about what people think, and she believes that one should have the freedom to do as what one pleases. That's what I like about her and I guess that's why we bonded.
It's quite spooky knowing people who actually echo my path. I have spoken to her about what she's been through and there were times I felt like we were of mirror image in terms of our experience, except she didn't have the freedom that I have. And it's even spookier (ada ke word ni) when I see someone younger trailling behind, taking almost the same path that I took.
Many a times I thought about the life and the people back home. Somehow, it's affecting the choices I have, making life more confusing. Will I be able to fit into the life I think I want to have?
Mary J. Blige, in an interview at Radio 1, said 'Life is not about holding yourself in a storm, but running around in the rain'.
On Tuesday, I was in Whitby Abbey near Scarborough and spent the night in Peterlee. The next day, I was sent running around in Yorkshire meeting a few people. I was about to drive to Nottingham when I got a call from The Mentor telling me to go home because the office has messed up thing.
Ah well. I was quite happy to go home.
Yesterday, I met The Mentor at the office, discussing about our events for this season. Starting from next weekend until the end of August, I will be working almost every weekend. It's too bad that even on my birthday I have to work. Sigh.
Last night, after I left the office, she rang me and asked to stop at services for dinner with her. It has been awhile since I last had a long chat so I agreed to it. I kinda miss talking to her. She can really boost my spirit. Not many people can have a good relationship with their boss, but to me, she is also a friend.
Sometimes I think that she is the older version of me. She led a double lives, trying to fit herself in two worlds. But on the other hand, she doesn't give a damn about what people think, and she believes that one should have the freedom to do as what one pleases. That's what I like about her and I guess that's why we bonded.
It's quite spooky knowing people who actually echo my path. I have spoken to her about what she's been through and there were times I felt like we were of mirror image in terms of our experience, except she didn't have the freedom that I have. And it's even spookier (ada ke word ni) when I see someone younger trailling behind, taking almost the same path that I took.
Many a times I thought about the life and the people back home. Somehow, it's affecting the choices I have, making life more confusing. Will I be able to fit into the life I think I want to have?
Mary J. Blige, in an interview at Radio 1, said 'Life is not about holding yourself in a storm, but running around in the rain'.
Sunday, 2 April 2006
of super duper and food
She has been in the limelight for quite some time. Fighting for her own cause, defending her beloved. I guess behind a fallen man, stood a woman.
I have never been interested in politics, unlike my parents who were pro gomen. Even my sister, at one point, was a ketua wanita before she became a rebel. No sire, not me. I know how to fight and I know how to work hard, but I dunno how to kiss arse. So, there goes my political career down the drain.
When one man came to town for an annual lecture, I figured I'd just go to hear what he has to say. Who knows whether he actually changed? The hard years he spent in the prison was actually showing on his face. Old age is catching up quite fast. He looks tired, and lack sparks. While he was on stage, I, on the other hand, started to stare blankly into the space. And just like me, some people began daydreaming and ogling one cute guy (one reason to stay put) :)
The only thing that pulled me back to reality was the news that his wife is my super super duper senior at SNC. Oh wow! I didn't know that. Where have I been all this time when she started her political career?
I made a promise there and then, one way or the other, I will introduce myself or get someone to introduce me as her junior. Hey, no harms what. I am no one's crony. Once that was done and out of the way, it was time for feasting.
Give me just about anything and I would clean up the plates. So, we all headed down to the ever faithful old dutch for pancakes again. I especially recommend the creamy spinach & cheese, banana with choc sauce & ice cream, and err... all lah! abis citer.
---
It's like having fresh pair of eyes and adding new adventures to a boring routine. Imagine after all these years of not having a melayu speaking friend in London, I was suddenly being bombarded with a few. Not entirely bad though. It feels like home a little.
I admit that I have been avoiding any kind of interaction because, if you really want to know, melayus here are sombong. Ok, maybe not all and they are prolly not sombong, it's just that they won't tegur you or they act as if they are not interested to know you. The ones I met the first year I was here and in Manchester confirmed my 'accusation' and strengthen my principle to avoid these people. They are so much different from the friendly malaysians in the States.
This last few weeks, however, I speak melayu everyday and makan at mawar twice a week. Ahakss... old age is catching up on me too! But one fact remains true, you won't see me mingling with snobs or smile to that rude waitress. Get a life, kiddo!
Oh! I suddenly remember that my roommate said I am not a kampong girl. Aiyaa... I seriously can't remember what we were talking about but I would like to stress that I am still one. Betul, tak tipu lah.
I don't think that just because I live here, all that will change. And the fact that I started to feel a deep love for London doesn't change that either. On the contrary, the longing for everything malaysian is getting bigger than ever.
I have never been interested in politics, unlike my parents who were pro gomen. Even my sister, at one point, was a ketua wanita before she became a rebel. No sire, not me. I know how to fight and I know how to work hard, but I dunno how to kiss arse. So, there goes my political career down the drain.
When one man came to town for an annual lecture, I figured I'd just go to hear what he has to say. Who knows whether he actually changed? The hard years he spent in the prison was actually showing on his face. Old age is catching up quite fast. He looks tired, and lack sparks. While he was on stage, I, on the other hand, started to stare blankly into the space. And just like me, some people began daydreaming and ogling one cute guy (one reason to stay put) :)
The only thing that pulled me back to reality was the news that his wife is my super super duper senior at SNC. Oh wow! I didn't know that. Where have I been all this time when she started her political career?
I made a promise there and then, one way or the other, I will introduce myself or get someone to introduce me as her junior. Hey, no harms what. I am no one's crony. Once that was done and out of the way, it was time for feasting.
Give me just about anything and I would clean up the plates. So, we all headed down to the ever faithful old dutch for pancakes again. I especially recommend the creamy spinach & cheese, banana with choc sauce & ice cream, and err... all lah! abis citer.
---
It's like having fresh pair of eyes and adding new adventures to a boring routine. Imagine after all these years of not having a melayu speaking friend in London, I was suddenly being bombarded with a few. Not entirely bad though. It feels like home a little.
I admit that I have been avoiding any kind of interaction because, if you really want to know, melayus here are sombong. Ok, maybe not all and they are prolly not sombong, it's just that they won't tegur you or they act as if they are not interested to know you. The ones I met the first year I was here and in Manchester confirmed my 'accusation' and strengthen my principle to avoid these people. They are so much different from the friendly malaysians in the States.
This last few weeks, however, I speak melayu everyday and makan at mawar twice a week. Ahakss... old age is catching up on me too! But one fact remains true, you won't see me mingling with snobs or smile to that rude waitress. Get a life, kiddo!
Oh! I suddenly remember that my roommate said I am not a kampong girl. Aiyaa... I seriously can't remember what we were talking about but I would like to stress that I am still one. Betul, tak tipu lah.I don't think that just because I live here, all that will change. And the fact that I started to feel a deep love for London doesn't change that either. On the contrary, the longing for everything malaysian is getting bigger than ever.
Monday, 27 March 2006
sunday outing
Pehal lak haloscan buat hal ni? Essshh... tak kuasa!
---
In my attempt to lose weight, semalam I went jalan2 again in the centre with one minah arab ni. (she's well in case her friends are wondering. oh except dia ni tak mau makan la)
Well, I found out that the science museum is having an exhibition of Iceland, so I thought it's probably good to go and see. I always whine about London being cold, so if I go and compare how much colder Iceland is, I can stop whining.
Once we got there, the security asked to check my bag. Errr... hello? I was with an arab girl, and you checked my bag not hers? Cehh! Muka I muka terrorist ke? And minah ni siap buat lawak pulak saying that it's obvious they won't find bomb in her bag, so they would check the accomplice. Hhehehe... very funny, girl.
At the entrance hall of the exhibition, I was blown away by one of the most breathtaking pictures I have ever seen. I was feeling exactly like what I felt on the bridge on Friday.
It is quite informative but too little stuff. The demo guy did say that Iceland actually sits on 5 err.. volcanoes?(tak berapa ingat what he said) thus making the water around the country warm all year round.
Ah well, there goes my chance to compare. Nothing beats London. I can still whine about it being too cold.
After that we went towards Piccadilly Circus, and later stopped at Covent Garden for tea and scones. Kekonon nak ajar budak arab ni makan scone macam orang Inggeris. Ahaksss.
So much so for losing weight, I walloped all the jam and cream. Aiyaaaa. First I finished mine, then I got hers as well. The girl behind the counter didn't give enough la.
We stopped to watch street theatre for a while before heading back. Aaahhh... sedapnya dapat duduk in tube. Penat arrrr.
---
In my attempt to lose weight, semalam I went jalan2 again in the centre with one minah arab ni. (she's well in case her friends are wondering. oh except dia ni tak mau makan la)
Well, I found out that the science museum is having an exhibition of Iceland, so I thought it's probably good to go and see. I always whine about London being cold, so if I go and compare how much colder Iceland is, I can stop whining.
Once we got there, the security asked to check my bag. Errr... hello? I was with an arab girl, and you checked my bag not hers? Cehh! Muka I muka terrorist ke? And minah ni siap buat lawak pulak saying that it's obvious they won't find bomb in her bag, so they would check the accomplice. Hhehehe... very funny, girl.
At the entrance hall of the exhibition, I was blown away by one of the most breathtaking pictures I have ever seen. I was feeling exactly like what I felt on the bridge on Friday.
It is quite informative but too little stuff. The demo guy did say that Iceland actually sits on 5 err.. volcanoes?(tak berapa ingat what he said) thus making the water around the country warm all year round.
Ah well, there goes my chance to compare. Nothing beats London. I can still whine about it being too cold.
After that we went towards Piccadilly Circus, and later stopped at Covent Garden for tea and scones. Kekonon nak ajar budak arab ni makan scone macam orang Inggeris. Ahaksss.
So much so for losing weight, I walloped all the jam and cream. Aiyaaaa. First I finished mine, then I got hers as well. The girl behind the counter didn't give enough la.
We stopped to watch street theatre for a while before heading back. Aaahhh... sedapnya dapat duduk in tube. Penat arrrr.
Saturday, 25 March 2006
playing tourist guide
After a stressful mid week, and a bad back after my red haired cousin came to visit, having an afternoon off on Friday was much welcomed.
Off I went to the central, playing a tourist guide to a friend. The best way to see London is on foot, only then you can see everything, get lost and later find your way around. I think I was being a very bad guide. Tak pandai... hehe.
We met another friend and went to see Jimmy Choo's picture at the National Portrait Gallery, then had excellent 2 pieces of pancakes at My Old Dutch. Pancakes with chocolate sauce, what more can one ask?
After all that devilish pancakes, I know I had to burn all that calories. We sent a friend off for her to take the tube to go to her birthday dinner at the Holiday Villa.
From Holborn, I wasn't sure where we were heading to. The two of us just walked to wherever our feet took us. At the end of the road, I realised that we were at The Strand. So, I said that we should cross the bridge and just walk along the Thames.
It was a beautiful night. Just magnificent!
I wonder with all that views and solitude, how a person could give up this city. When we stopped at the bridge and looked across at the Big Ben and London Eye, I felt like I was destined to be here. Like no one could ever take this away from me (except myself). Though it was cold with the wind hitting my face, it was very peaceful and soothing to the soul. I could stand there for hours and just... enjoy.
We went walking towards the buck palace, passing St. James' Park. Unfortunately, the Queen wasn't home to invite us for a bowl of mee curry so we head down to Hyde Park instead. I spotted a few chaps skating and I suddenly remembered that it was Friday Night Skate. Usually, on a friday night, hundreds of Londoners go ballistic with skating. I thought we could sit around and watch them but I was disappointed when one of them told us that it was cancelled due to the wet weather.
Finally we decided to cut across Hyde Park and walk to Mawar for our teh tariks. It was quite a long cut, I tell ya. Berpeluh sakan. Got there in less than 30 minutes, but it was packed with Msians. It could be either because it was a friday nite or they just got their wages. Ahakss.
So, no teh tarik for us and we ended up at Deep Pan Pizza instead. So bloody tired after all that walk, but it was a damn good one. I had to find out how far we had walked, so I googled journey planner. I can't believe it was almost 10 kms. It was like walking from Alor Setar to home. Weeehoooo... I got a new record for walking!
Off I went to the central, playing a tourist guide to a friend. The best way to see London is on foot, only then you can see everything, get lost and later find your way around. I think I was being a very bad guide. Tak pandai... hehe.
We met another friend and went to see Jimmy Choo's picture at the National Portrait Gallery, then had excellent 2 pieces of pancakes at My Old Dutch. Pancakes with chocolate sauce, what more can one ask?After all that devilish pancakes, I know I had to burn all that calories. We sent a friend off for her to take the tube to go to her birthday dinner at the Holiday Villa.
From Holborn, I wasn't sure where we were heading to. The two of us just walked to wherever our feet took us. At the end of the road, I realised that we were at The Strand. So, I said that we should cross the bridge and just walk along the Thames.
It was a beautiful night. Just magnificent!
I wonder with all that views and solitude, how a person could give up this city. When we stopped at the bridge and looked across at the Big Ben and London Eye, I felt like I was destined to be here. Like no one could ever take this away from me (except myself). Though it was cold with the wind hitting my face, it was very peaceful and soothing to the soul. I could stand there for hours and just... enjoy.
We went walking towards the buck palace, passing St. James' Park. Unfortunately, the Queen wasn't home to invite us for a bowl of mee curry so we head down to Hyde Park instead. I spotted a few chaps skating and I suddenly remembered that it was Friday Night Skate. Usually, on a friday night, hundreds of Londoners go ballistic with skating. I thought we could sit around and watch them but I was disappointed when one of them told us that it was cancelled due to the wet weather.
Finally we decided to cut across Hyde Park and walk to Mawar for our teh tariks. It was quite a long cut, I tell ya. Berpeluh sakan. Got there in less than 30 minutes, but it was packed with Msians. It could be either because it was a friday nite or they just got their wages. Ahakss.
So, no teh tarik for us and we ended up at Deep Pan Pizza instead. So bloody tired after all that walk, but it was a damn good one. I had to find out how far we had walked, so I googled journey planner. I can't believe it was almost 10 kms. It was like walking from Alor Setar to home. Weeehoooo... I got a new record for walking!
Thursday, 23 March 2006
a bad day
Often people tell me that they were puzzled by my ability to keep smiling all day, no matter what situation I was in. Yeah that puzzles me too. I wonder how I can be cheerful on command. And most of the times, I put on a smiley mask.
I do not like people to know that I was unhappy. I do not fancy them asking how I was coping. I'm reserved, and hate to discuss my feelings or things in my head. I do not feel the need to justify anything and I am sure they do not really want to listen. So, why bother?
When I faced dodgy situations, being grumpy won't help ease me. Lagi tension.
However, today at the office, I am so monyok. I had quite about enough with one guy. He acts as if he does all the work, talk cock and likes ordering me around.
When he saw me across the hallway, he raised his voice, 'E, tell me what we have to do with Victoria Apollo?'
we? We? WE?
Shithead! He does this to me all the time! We this. We that. Bloody hell! It was all me, ok!
me. me. me. ME.
He is loud when he's with me, showing off lah tu. Kekonon dia yang plan semua benda and macam lah we are a team. I asked him to help (I never asked for help and believe me when I ask, mesti because I kenot do it myself), instead he keeps talking nonsense, giving me suggestions la, suruh ikut cam ni lah, round and round and round. In the end, aku jugak yang buat semua bende. I felt like crying. Itu yang keluar poem bodoh tu.
Penat lah aku dengan selfish people like him.
The Mentor once said she was amazed that I always do favours to people but never asked anything in return. Tah la. That's me. Biar aku susah sendiri, senang together. Errr...
Anyway, when I leave the company at the end of this year (I plan to, hopefully), I am not going to tell them anything about my work. Let them find out and hang themselves. Let them figure out all about events, and how difficult it is to manage the vans all over the country.
Today she devised a plan for us when we leave. I was told not to leave any forms or traces of paperworks other than the important spreadsheets. Hahaaha... Biar padan muka. Bagus betul mentor aku ni.
I do not like people to know that I was unhappy. I do not fancy them asking how I was coping. I'm reserved, and hate to discuss my feelings or things in my head. I do not feel the need to justify anything and I am sure they do not really want to listen. So, why bother?
When I faced dodgy situations, being grumpy won't help ease me. Lagi tension.
However, today at the office, I am so monyok. I had quite about enough with one guy. He acts as if he does all the work, talk cock and likes ordering me around.
When he saw me across the hallway, he raised his voice, 'E, tell me what we have to do with Victoria Apollo?'
we? We? WE?
Shithead! He does this to me all the time! We this. We that. Bloody hell! It was all me, ok!
me. me. me. ME.
He is loud when he's with me, showing off lah tu. Kekonon dia yang plan semua benda and macam lah we are a team. I asked him to help (I never asked for help and believe me when I ask, mesti because I kenot do it myself), instead he keeps talking nonsense, giving me suggestions la, suruh ikut cam ni lah, round and round and round. In the end, aku jugak yang buat semua bende. I felt like crying. Itu yang keluar poem bodoh tu.
Penat lah aku dengan selfish people like him.
The Mentor once said she was amazed that I always do favours to people but never asked anything in return. Tah la. That's me. Biar aku susah sendiri, senang together. Errr...
Anyway, when I leave the company at the end of this year (I plan to, hopefully), I am not going to tell them anything about my work. Let them find out and hang themselves. Let them figure out all about events, and how difficult it is to manage the vans all over the country.
Today she devised a plan for us when we leave. I was told not to leave any forms or traces of paperworks other than the important spreadsheets. Hahaaha... Biar padan muka. Bagus betul mentor aku ni.
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