I was chatting with a writer friend while she was writing a masterpiece (which I will post in the 2nd installment), and when it finally arrived in my mailbox, I found myself in agreement with her. What is it about Malay men that are so hopeless... in love and relationship?
I tell you, only a handful of women are lucky to find love with Malay men. The rest of the women population is still looking for men who will treat us in a gentlemanlike manner and at the same time accept us the way we are. If we speak our minds out or have personality and intelligence, don't expect us to change and pretend dumb after marriage. You know, wysiwyg. Accept these characters in us, not running away.
So anyway, with her permission I would like to share the first of two posts because I just couldn't keep them to myself. For lack of better words on my part, I had to post the original version in her own words as I am not good at writing and couldn't come out with better twists and drama.
And I think, you'd be happy to read her posts, after her blogs vanished so fast, which left us feeling void for some times.
Yesterday was a religious day for me. I went for an Aqidah class with Peanut and in the afternoon, my parents hosted another usrah. If I had another class yesterday, I'd be qualified to be a pope, that's how much religion I had yesterday.
But my posting today is not about how I have become an angel. Or the fact that I won a gym membership (yay yay!). It is about my future life with a man.Those that know my family will know that the women in my family are lively. They are also blessed with Malay male spouses that are supportive, but they are at their wits' end when it comes to their daughters' spouses.
After the usrah all the ladies dragged me to Nora's room to lecture me on men and dating.
"You have to date Dato Azmi Khalid."
"Kan dia tu nikoh si Normala Shamsuddin nu?""How old is he Cik Nor?" I asked.
"63."
"Hahahahha, Mummy! Cik Nor nok Dina nikoh orang tua."
"Apa pulak tua? He's very handsome. Now kan ada Viagra."
"He's Bah's AGE. Yucks."
Then Cik Jee spoke out loud:
"Chor (my mum's nickname). You can't allow Dina to marry a Malay man. She is not for them."
What a pandemonium in the room!
I sat there and twiddled my hair. I make a good bimbo you know.
Ever since I became single, there seems to be no end to this matchmaking thing. I went to one and the guy told my friend he was a boobs man. Meaning, Dina didn't have big enough tits for him. WTF?
Two weeks ago, I was told by my male friends (5 actually) that I was scary to men, and that I didn't have the looks Malay men wanted.
I kept quiet because I was curious. All my girlfriends are like me and have decent marriages, so why was I the exception? I'm not that clever, I have 32A tits (though I lie to myself in the mirror and pretend my tits are 34B) and when I put on my Clarins Beauty Flash Balm I look decent enough not to frighten my nephew.
On Saturday, this guy I kinda dated earlier this year called up - we are now very good friends - and he told me,"Good thing you dumped me because we would not have worked out."
"Why is that?"
"I would not have been able to contain you."
I sat in the car and wondered. Dia ni nak letak I dalam tin Milo ke? Dia ni ingat I ni spring ke? Saya bukan rama-rama, saya manusia. Kadang-kadang saya ni monyet.
When I asked Bah-Bah this he said:Bloody fool wanted a maid. He does not deserve you Princess.
Oh.
When I look at my single friends like Ins, Ija, HoneyTar and co, I really wonder why Malay men are scared of them. Yes, they're independent. Yes, they make their own money. A lot of Malay men marry these women.
Maybe they're scared. Because these women have personalities. It's not a matter of having a mind of their own. Most Malay women have their own minds. But having personalities is something Malay men can't grasp.
This morning I showed Bah-Bah a picture of Anderson Cooper (CNN Anchor) who's in Vanity Fair's Best Dressed List for 2005.
"Bah-bah, Dina nok gini."
"Eesh."
"He's clever, tall, handsome and lives in New York. I think we'll make a beautiful couple."
"Mula doh dia ni... you and your angan-angan."
"ABAH! Listen. You have to face the facts: I may end up with someone out of our race or faith. You heard the aunties. And you know it too. How many men are like you?"
"You will marry a Malay-Muslim. No black Muslim. Mat Salleh Muslim."
"How about I make a deal with you? How about celup-Muslim?"
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"No. But just in case la."
"Are all Malay men that bad?"
"No, but for women like me, yes."
"Hmmph. As long as he's fair, tall and handsome.Nothing like your ex."
Opening this to the court...
Coming soon, 2nd part
Tuesday, 19 April 2005
Friday, 15 April 2005
Kasihani lah hamba ini...
To whom it may concern,
Please snail mail VCD Sepet to my current address:
XX XXXX Road,
XXXXXXXXX XXXXX
XXX XXX London
United Kingdom.
*hint to those yang baik hati dan sudi mengepos dari Malaysia or Singapore.(rafthah, ps, ju, cruella, stellar, poncho(rtd), dade, aces, ray and Malim, leez, sooz etc etc) Tu dia aih, kalau boleh semua nama nak display kat sini.. ni muka tak malu menadah tangan mintak simpati pembaca blog.. heheh
Thank you very much.
Please snail mail VCD Sepet to my current address:
XX XXXX Road,
XXXXXXXXX XXXXX
XXX XXX London
United Kingdom.
*hint to those yang baik hati dan sudi mengepos dari Malaysia or Singapore.(rafthah, ps, ju, cruella, stellar, poncho(rtd), dade, aces, ray and Malim, leez, sooz etc etc) Tu dia aih, kalau boleh semua nama nak display kat sini.. ni muka tak malu menadah tangan mintak simpati pembaca blog.. heheh
Thank you very much.
Saturday, 9 April 2005
of marriage and determination
This week passed by so quickly that I hardly had time to blog. First, there was Aci to be entertained. Second, I'm down with cold and lastly, I am busy packing up stuffs. Tonight is my last night at this apt. It will be awhile before I can blog because I won't have an internet connection at the new place just yet.
On Wed night, I took Aci to meet The Mentor over dinner. Everything went perfectly well until they ganged up on me and started to talk about marriage. Sigh. And every time I changed the subject, they managed to swing back to the boring topic. Aci thought I don't want Aki because he's not good looking. Oh puhleeze! Give me some credit. Look is not everything. It's not that I don't want to get married, I'm simply not ready. Can't anyone understand that?
At the moment, my priorities are slightly different from typical women my age. They want husbands, I want freedom. They want kids, I want travel experience. They want to settle down, I want to globe-trotting. Stop telling me like I don't know what I want. Who knows maybe in the next six months I may change my mind. Of course I didn't say all that to them, I just smiled and mumbled something and sheepishly grinned again. The Mentor got my message, and told Aci that's what I normally did if I didn't really hear what was being discussed.
All the advice given to me are good ones, yet I may need some time before I make a move. I am a determined person and in this respect, Aci and I are very much alike. When we want something, we will work towards it. I guess that's why somehow she understood me eventhough we are not that close as sisters. The only thing that worry her is that, because our parents had passed away, she feels responsible for my wellbeing as she is the head of the family. She worries for me and for that I am grateful. I love you, Aci.
On Wed night, I took Aci to meet The Mentor over dinner. Everything went perfectly well until they ganged up on me and started to talk about marriage. Sigh. And every time I changed the subject, they managed to swing back to the boring topic. Aci thought I don't want Aki because he's not good looking. Oh puhleeze! Give me some credit. Look is not everything. It's not that I don't want to get married, I'm simply not ready. Can't anyone understand that?
At the moment, my priorities are slightly different from typical women my age. They want husbands, I want freedom. They want kids, I want travel experience. They want to settle down, I want to globe-trotting. Stop telling me like I don't know what I want. Who knows maybe in the next six months I may change my mind. Of course I didn't say all that to them, I just smiled and mumbled something and sheepishly grinned again. The Mentor got my message, and told Aci that's what I normally did if I didn't really hear what was being discussed.
All the advice given to me are good ones, yet I may need some time before I make a move. I am a determined person and in this respect, Aci and I are very much alike. When we want something, we will work towards it. I guess that's why somehow she understood me eventhough we are not that close as sisters. The only thing that worry her is that, because our parents had passed away, she feels responsible for my wellbeing as she is the head of the family. She worries for me and for that I am grateful. I love you, Aci.
spye
I'm doing a dina zaman, with the eyes in the profile. Not so original, eh? Hmm.. I'd like to have dreamy eyes, but I love my big eyes anyway. Maybe because through them, I can see what's happening at the rim of the world.
Wednesday, 6 April 2005
Listen! It is a national disease.
So, almost everyone is proud of Siti Nurhaliza or so it seems. Great performance, but that is not the main topic for today. Today's entry is about Malaysians, especially the Malays and punctuality.
Let's take the RAH concert for example. Undoubtedly, everyone involved was on a tight schedule, but for a concert this big, time management is the one of the priorities. If it was 5 or 10 minutes late, people will not make such fuss.
Yet, when it was almost half an hour later, that was considered a poor management. I know we have all sorts of protocols to observe, so we had to wait for the Sultan to mingle around and then be seated first. Kalau dah pukul 7pm pun dok kat luar lagi jumpa Datuk ini, salam Datuk itu, macam mana nak start on time? Next time, get all these VIPs to come, say one hour earlier, so they can do their celebrity pose and be seated 5 minutes before the scheduled show begins. Kalau lambat jugak, employ me as the timekeeper and I'd shoot their toes to get them going.
On many occasions, Malaysians tend to waste precious time before a business meeting catching up with friends and colleagues. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, while we are waiting for a chairperson or VIPs to arrive, that's the only time we have to meet other people. However, most of the time, these people dah la datang lambat, lepas tu nak sembang sembang dulu. Salam orang sana sini and by the time meeting nak start dah rugi setengah jam.
A friend in EX mentioned that her supervisor dah faham sangat with perangai budak-budak Malaysia. Tak ada yang tidak lambat, malah semuanya lambat lambat belaka. Sometimes, I feel sad because that is the image that we portray to the world. Is that what we call profesionalism?Why can't we be punctual? How many times were you waiting for friends at the mall, for them to turn up one hour later?
Is it the tidak-apa attitude that shape our mentality? It has become a norm for Malaysians to be late in almost everything. Where does it all go wrong? Was it our education system? or was it our upbringing? When I first went back to Malaysia, I was so determined to work in an ethical way and be punctual. It all went the way I wanted in the first year, but gradually I got infected with this cultural disease. In fact, I think punctuality is a national disease. I felt bad, because I knew that wasn't the real me but because the society accepted the behavior, I soothed myself with that excuse. Even then, I was still one of the people who will arrive early at a meeting or gathering. These days, at least I'm back on a normal turf.
So, how do we change the behavior?Maybe it all should start with our leaders. The PM should always be on time and show this example to his Mentris and the Mentris should do the same to their SUKs. Thus, it become a chain reaction that would probably yield a very positive result. Forget the tete-e-tete, and go straight to work. You can have it after the meeting or over lunch. Or else, come earlier.
If you're your own boss or a manager somewhere, then start within yourself and teach your mind to be punctual. Over time, people will understand your work ethics and they may follow. Remember, small steps make a big difference.
Let's take the RAH concert for example. Undoubtedly, everyone involved was on a tight schedule, but for a concert this big, time management is the one of the priorities. If it was 5 or 10 minutes late, people will not make such fuss.
Yet, when it was almost half an hour later, that was considered a poor management. I know we have all sorts of protocols to observe, so we had to wait for the Sultan to mingle around and then be seated first. Kalau dah pukul 7pm pun dok kat luar lagi jumpa Datuk ini, salam Datuk itu, macam mana nak start on time? Next time, get all these VIPs to come, say one hour earlier, so they can do their celebrity pose and be seated 5 minutes before the scheduled show begins. Kalau lambat jugak, employ me as the timekeeper and I'd shoot their toes to get them going.
On many occasions, Malaysians tend to waste precious time before a business meeting catching up with friends and colleagues. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, while we are waiting for a chairperson or VIPs to arrive, that's the only time we have to meet other people. However, most of the time, these people dah la datang lambat, lepas tu nak sembang sembang dulu. Salam orang sana sini and by the time meeting nak start dah rugi setengah jam.
A friend in EX mentioned that her supervisor dah faham sangat with perangai budak-budak Malaysia. Tak ada yang tidak lambat, malah semuanya lambat lambat belaka. Sometimes, I feel sad because that is the image that we portray to the world. Is that what we call profesionalism?Why can't we be punctual? How many times were you waiting for friends at the mall, for them to turn up one hour later?
Is it the tidak-apa attitude that shape our mentality? It has become a norm for Malaysians to be late in almost everything. Where does it all go wrong? Was it our education system? or was it our upbringing? When I first went back to Malaysia, I was so determined to work in an ethical way and be punctual. It all went the way I wanted in the first year, but gradually I got infected with this cultural disease. In fact, I think punctuality is a national disease. I felt bad, because I knew that wasn't the real me but because the society accepted the behavior, I soothed myself with that excuse. Even then, I was still one of the people who will arrive early at a meeting or gathering. These days, at least I'm back on a normal turf.
So, how do we change the behavior?Maybe it all should start with our leaders. The PM should always be on time and show this example to his Mentris and the Mentris should do the same to their SUKs. Thus, it become a chain reaction that would probably yield a very positive result. Forget the tete-e-tete, and go straight to work. You can have it after the meeting or over lunch. Or else, come earlier.
If you're your own boss or a manager somewhere, then start within yourself and teach your mind to be punctual. Over time, people will understand your work ethics and they may follow. Remember, small steps make a big difference.
Thursday, 31 March 2005
cornered into making decision
On a gloomy day like today, all I wanted to do was to go back under cover and sleep till noon. Obviously, no chance of doing that. By 8am, I was making toasts and nasi goreng for our breakfast and bekal. There was no way I'm going to stop and have a meal at restaurant as we had a long drive and a lot of places to visit.
As I was munching my first bite of the toast with cream cheese, Aci said, 'You know, I hate to bring this up. Even JavaMan is furious with me for stirring the issue in the first place. However, I have to ask you since there are people who are expecting some answer'.
Oh oh! What this? So, she told me how it started and how I become involved in this situation. And how she got trapped in her own becokness. At least, I knew that my bro-in-law told her to mind her own business, but she being my sister, had to ask me personally. This is the second time she brought this issue up, after almost 3 years.
I laughed after I heard this nonsense question/request. Come on! It's almost like incest.
There I was, writing about dreams and stars, and today I was asked to consider something that wasn't on my list. I'm commitment-phobic and I've been independent for too long. What will happen to my travel plans if I give the much expected answer that will make some people happy? Will I be happy? Do I want to tie myself to a pole? Gosh! Decision has to be made before she leaves.
Please God! I think I know the answer, but what's my excuse? I'm almost 31 and they are folks I know.
As I was munching my first bite of the toast with cream cheese, Aci said, 'You know, I hate to bring this up. Even JavaMan is furious with me for stirring the issue in the first place. However, I have to ask you since there are people who are expecting some answer'.
Oh oh! What this? So, she told me how it started and how I become involved in this situation. And how she got trapped in her own becokness. At least, I knew that my bro-in-law told her to mind her own business, but she being my sister, had to ask me personally. This is the second time she brought this issue up, after almost 3 years.
I laughed after I heard this nonsense question/request. Come on! It's almost like incest.
There I was, writing about dreams and stars, and today I was asked to consider something that wasn't on my list. I'm commitment-phobic and I've been independent for too long. What will happen to my travel plans if I give the much expected answer that will make some people happy? Will I be happy? Do I want to tie myself to a pole? Gosh! Decision has to be made before she leaves.
Please God! I think I know the answer, but what's my excuse? I'm almost 31 and they are folks I know.
Wednesday, 30 March 2005
out with my secret and our differences
Yay! I'm off til the end of the week. Aci is here. Picked her up at Heathrow and after waiting for more than an hour, she was among the first to come out. She was surpised to see me looking like this. I think she had the question at the tip of her tongue but I told her, 'Later'
We chatted about her long flight and food she brought for me. She had a very pleasant chat with a manis man, Anuar Zain who sat next to her. All they did was talking and eating, or so she said. Apparently, he's here to give support to that Pahang lass at the Royal Albert Hall. I guess she desperately needs all the support she can get, they even reduced the price by half. Doesn't that tell you something? And I think maybe you people will hear about me being there too.
As we were driving out of the car park, I knew she had to ask. A brief explanation from me as I do not know what else to say. I can't really say what's in my head like I do to friends and it seems like I still see as the big sister I'm scared of, even though I tried telling myself to treat her like a friend. No, can't do. Maybe it's the huge age gap. Maybe it's the different views of life. Maybe it's my restless unsettled adventure streak. Maybe she's too engrossed with career and family. Maybes.
I didn't give her time to relax (for all I know she might feel jetlag) and off we went to central London for a night walk. Yeah right! It was raining, and she can't stand the cold weather. I don't know how she lived in the US for 7 years. Oh! I forgot, she cheated. Moved to sunny CA to avoid freezing Wichita.
It's 1:30am, she's now asleep, while I'm writing nonsense. Long day tomorrow. I'm taking her to Kent. Don't know if I have time to write more entries.Night night.
We chatted about her long flight and food she brought for me. She had a very pleasant chat with a manis man, Anuar Zain who sat next to her. All they did was talking and eating, or so she said. Apparently, he's here to give support to that Pahang lass at the Royal Albert Hall. I guess she desperately needs all the support she can get, they even reduced the price by half. Doesn't that tell you something? And I think maybe you people will hear about me being there too.
As we were driving out of the car park, I knew she had to ask. A brief explanation from me as I do not know what else to say. I can't really say what's in my head like I do to friends and it seems like I still see as the big sister I'm scared of, even though I tried telling myself to treat her like a friend. No, can't do. Maybe it's the huge age gap. Maybe it's the different views of life. Maybe it's my restless unsettled adventure streak. Maybe she's too engrossed with career and family. Maybes.
I didn't give her time to relax (for all I know she might feel jetlag) and off we went to central London for a night walk. Yeah right! It was raining, and she can't stand the cold weather. I don't know how she lived in the US for 7 years. Oh! I forgot, she cheated. Moved to sunny CA to avoid freezing Wichita.
It's 1:30am, she's now asleep, while I'm writing nonsense. Long day tomorrow. I'm taking her to Kent. Don't know if I have time to write more entries.Night night.
Friday, 25 March 2005
Leave us alone
Being born as the eldest, one may say it is going to be an uphill task showing good examples and carrying more responsibility than the rest of the siblings. The parents' dreams to be fulfilled, the grandparents' expectations and the family legacy to carry forward. Some think that since the firstborn is normally expected to excel in everything they do, the other siblings feel less burden thus ensuring them to have some breathing space. And the youngest is said to have an easy and pampered life because the path has been cleared and expectations are slightly less than before.
It is true that a lot is expected from the firstborns. New parents will map out their first child's life with what they think is best for him or her. It starts with the best kindergarten, the branded clothings and the trust fund up to the prestigeous university and later to the post of an executive director or a medical specialist. This is the trend among the parents, and no matter how hard we deny this, it somehow reflects the Malaysian society too.
But that is not what I want to talk about, because I do not know how it feels to be the firstborn in the first place. However, I do know what it is like to be the youngest. A lot of people make generalization that usually the youngest sibling leads a spoilt life. In another word, a brat. It may be true, because sometimes I felt that I was allowed to run free in my younger years, though I do not see myself as a brat.
Most of the time, our parents would grant us a lot of things we asked for and on top of that, we have brothers and sisters who are looking after us and showering us with material goods as well. Firstborns normally have a lot of pressure from parents but when it comes to us, the youngest, most parents become more mellowed and lenient, thus giving us less pressure. Nevertheless, I do feel that if one has an older sibling who is great at everything, one will have greater burden and an uphill route to follow.
Everything one does will be compared to the eldest sibling's achievements. Who was better at SPM? Why didn't you get good result like your brother? Why can't you be a good son like your brother? Your sister went to the US, your brothers in Mesir and Japan, where are you going? Why can't you be pretty and sweet like your sister?
These typical questions drive us crazy. So we do what we know best. We protest. By flunking our exams, showing our tantrums, joining bad crowds and doing exactly the opposite way from what the eldest did. We can never be like our sisters or brothers. We may be slow and we may be different but we still carry the same responsibility and we are expected to deliver similar results. Yet, we are unique in our own way, so leave us be. Given time, space and understanding, we will turn to be the most beautiful butterfly and when we spread our wings, we will fly as high as others, sometimes even higher.
It is true that a lot is expected from the firstborns. New parents will map out their first child's life with what they think is best for him or her. It starts with the best kindergarten, the branded clothings and the trust fund up to the prestigeous university and later to the post of an executive director or a medical specialist. This is the trend among the parents, and no matter how hard we deny this, it somehow reflects the Malaysian society too.
But that is not what I want to talk about, because I do not know how it feels to be the firstborn in the first place. However, I do know what it is like to be the youngest. A lot of people make generalization that usually the youngest sibling leads a spoilt life. In another word, a brat. It may be true, because sometimes I felt that I was allowed to run free in my younger years, though I do not see myself as a brat.
Most of the time, our parents would grant us a lot of things we asked for and on top of that, we have brothers and sisters who are looking after us and showering us with material goods as well. Firstborns normally have a lot of pressure from parents but when it comes to us, the youngest, most parents become more mellowed and lenient, thus giving us less pressure. Nevertheless, I do feel that if one has an older sibling who is great at everything, one will have greater burden and an uphill route to follow.
Everything one does will be compared to the eldest sibling's achievements. Who was better at SPM? Why didn't you get good result like your brother? Why can't you be a good son like your brother? Your sister went to the US, your brothers in Mesir and Japan, where are you going? Why can't you be pretty and sweet like your sister?
These typical questions drive us crazy. So we do what we know best. We protest. By flunking our exams, showing our tantrums, joining bad crowds and doing exactly the opposite way from what the eldest did. We can never be like our sisters or brothers. We may be slow and we may be different but we still carry the same responsibility and we are expected to deliver similar results. Yet, we are unique in our own way, so leave us be. Given time, space and understanding, we will turn to be the most beautiful butterfly and when we spread our wings, we will fly as high as others, sometimes even higher.
Friday, 18 March 2005
Think it over and over again
There will be a time when a person has to make a decision that will either make her or break her. As we are busy accumulating wealth and simultaneously trying to find happiness, we often forget to live our lives the way we want to.We go along living an ordinary routine because that's what our family and society expect us to do. We learn to adapt or simply make do with what we have or what we can get. Priorities set aside as circumstances change. And as we grow older, more are expected from us than what we can deliver.
Sometimes when people tell you to set your priorities right, do they mean, 'change your present life for something better', or 'live your life the way you see fit', or 'by the age of 40, you should have a house or two and drive a beamer because that's what expected of you'?
One day you will wake up and say, I wish I had taken the opportunity, I wish I can turn back time and be 24 again. Well, guess what? Your wishes will never come true. Once it's gone out of your grasp, it may never pass your way again. Or so I thought.
I took a chance, gambled my life and here I am. In a another land of opportunity. Life is good, but all the good things never really last, innit?So, at this age, I find myself at a similar junction just like when I was 24. I took a wrong turning and found out a few years later that I made the wrong choice. I blew it up then. But God is great as a second chance came passing by my path. All I have to do is work a little harder to reach for it.
What if I did the same again? Dare I say that this time I will right the wrong? Maybe my wrong is your right and my right is not so wrong after all. I'm confused but I am determined that this time I won't have any regret. Shall I gamble all I have in order to find the ultimate fulfillment?
Sometimes when people tell you to set your priorities right, do they mean, 'change your present life for something better', or 'live your life the way you see fit', or 'by the age of 40, you should have a house or two and drive a beamer because that's what expected of you'?
One day you will wake up and say, I wish I had taken the opportunity, I wish I can turn back time and be 24 again. Well, guess what? Your wishes will never come true. Once it's gone out of your grasp, it may never pass your way again. Or so I thought.
I took a chance, gambled my life and here I am. In a another land of opportunity. Life is good, but all the good things never really last, innit?So, at this age, I find myself at a similar junction just like when I was 24. I took a wrong turning and found out a few years later that I made the wrong choice. I blew it up then. But God is great as a second chance came passing by my path. All I have to do is work a little harder to reach for it.
What if I did the same again? Dare I say that this time I will right the wrong? Maybe my wrong is your right and my right is not so wrong after all. I'm confused but I am determined that this time I won't have any regret. Shall I gamble all I have in order to find the ultimate fulfillment?
Tuesday, 8 March 2005
what nationality are you?
The rent was supposed to be deducted from my account today, but early this morning Wolves left a bombshell note saying that she couldn't go to the bank since she'd be out of London. Dammit! Rang the bank and found out that I had an overdrawn of over 140 quid. Shit!
Had to transfer some money from my savings to cover that up and after 20 minutes of waiting (they just love putting people on hold) and talking to the reps, it was finally settled. You know, by listening to the way people speak and their accents, you can tell whether they are Indian, Oriental, Black or English. These days, I can say that it's kinda easy to recognize a Pole, Czech, Japanese, Italian or even a Hungarian after I spoke to him or her.
So, when I first heard her voice, I kinda knew that a Malaysian was talking to me on the other line, but I didn't want to ask. However, she had the advantage because she knows my name. After she cleared my account, I knew she had to ask. The question was out and I told her.
We chatted for a while, and she told me her name is Fazlin. While we were talking, she kept calling me by my father's name. I don't have a problem with that because I'm used to being addressed by my last name but it was kinda weird when a fellow Malaysian did that. Uh! I hope she doesn't read this blog though, or else she would know who I am or where I work. The only consolation is that not a lot of people knows what I look like and I'd like to stay faceless to most.
Oh! Btw, do you know that in Lithuania, the last letter for a girl's name is always 'a' and for boys it will always be 's'? Like my friends' names Angelina and Aturas. I was told that Lithuanians never had and never will use names like Michael or Peter or Dorothy or Heidi. Interesting discovery. Mmm... maybe they lithuanized the names to be Michas, Petras, Dorothea and Hedia.
Had to transfer some money from my savings to cover that up and after 20 minutes of waiting (they just love putting people on hold) and talking to the reps, it was finally settled. You know, by listening to the way people speak and their accents, you can tell whether they are Indian, Oriental, Black or English. These days, I can say that it's kinda easy to recognize a Pole, Czech, Japanese, Italian or even a Hungarian after I spoke to him or her.
So, when I first heard her voice, I kinda knew that a Malaysian was talking to me on the other line, but I didn't want to ask. However, she had the advantage because she knows my name. After she cleared my account, I knew she had to ask. The question was out and I told her.
We chatted for a while, and she told me her name is Fazlin. While we were talking, she kept calling me by my father's name. I don't have a problem with that because I'm used to being addressed by my last name but it was kinda weird when a fellow Malaysian did that. Uh! I hope she doesn't read this blog though, or else she would know who I am or where I work. The only consolation is that not a lot of people knows what I look like and I'd like to stay faceless to most.
Oh! Btw, do you know that in Lithuania, the last letter for a girl's name is always 'a' and for boys it will always be 's'? Like my friends' names Angelina and Aturas. I was told that Lithuanians never had and never will use names like Michael or Peter or Dorothy or Heidi. Interesting discovery. Mmm... maybe they lithuanized the names to be Michas, Petras, Dorothea and Hedia.
Thursday, 3 March 2005
3 budak setan
I've been having itchy feet all week after watching Richard Gere and J. Lo. I heard the Japanese version is so much better. Wish I can buy it from my local dvd pirate. Dancing is kinda sexy and exotic, no? But, right now I feel more like sleeping and resting my legs. I didn't know what made me walked to the cinema from home. It's a good 20 minutes one way. If it's nice and sunny, I don't mind but it's freezing cold though no more snow.
I'm gonna miss this place when I move out in less than 2 months. Yes dammit! I'm moving again. I'm tired of packing and unpacking but I think it's best to find another place.
The current flat is comfortable, cozy and nice but it's too expensive for us all. The rent itself is not too bad considering the location and I love my room, but when you add up all the bills, I have just little left at the end of the month. That's why I can't afford a broadband :(
Another reason is Wolves may be going back to her country to finish her studies. I'm annoyed with her because when she asked me to move in with her, she should have known her plans or at least let me know of the possibility. If I have known that we're only staying here for 6 months, I wouldn't move at all. Bengang lah macam ni. Masa before pindah, macam macam cerita and urging us to move out cepat cepat. I even told her my doubt about the rent and the bills, but she said everything won't be that expensive. Now that I let go my fab old place, she backs out on me. Darn it! Tak boleh pakai punya orang.
To top that up, Kfiatek is giving me unnecessary headache. He thinks that maybe we could join forces with The Hotelier in finding a flat. Unfortunately, The Hotelier seems keen to find a 3 bedroom flat in Camden or Hampstead area for us all, which will kill me. Doesn't she know that to share a flat between 3 persons in that areas is a huge dent to our pockets? Hey woman, I got other bills to pay also you know. At the moment, the rent for her tiny pathetic box studio is £620 per month and she doesn't earn 6 figures either. The only nice thing about her place is that it's in Notting Hill. Notting Hill, babe! Yang ni memang minah glamer. Lagi mahal tempat tu, lagi dia nak. Hancur.
It's such a hassle to relocate. Change GP, find new gym, change of address for all bills and banks, new parking permit, bla bla. Tired lah.
I mentioned to Kfiatek that maybe we should go separate ways but he whines and moans that he can't live all by himself. According to him, I'm all he has left in London after he got dumped and all his friends went back home.
Oh no. What have I got myself into? I know I've been giving him advices, listening to him and encouraging him to move on to better things, but I didn't mean for him to be depending on me.He's a nice bloke, but he's just lazy and take life for granted. Basuh pinggan pun malas. Penat nak clean up after him lah, but if I didn't clean them up I won't have any pots and plates to use. Cis! Ada ke patut dia tak cuci my grill machine for one week and keep on re-using it to grill his chicken everyday until I told him off. Geli aku nak makan lah but he doesn't care. Mangkok ayun betullah. And then moaning about not having opportunity coming his way and stuff. Having no ambition whatsoever and no direction and goals to achieve. He doesn't even know what he wants to do ultimately. No clue. Only after some hard probing on my side, then he got into thinking about his goals but he's still blur.Sigh.
Kekadang aku rasa nak cekik je dia ni. Wake up! Wake up!So, I'm dealing with 3 people who are not sensible in making decisions. Well, decisions that affect me, that is. I am going to do what I want. I'll find a place just for me. They think I'm looking for a place for us all. Sorry lah ye. I'll tell them after two weeks that I didn't find any that fit their criteria, but in fact all along I won't even bother looking for anything except my own place. Memang I jahat and selfish, so what? Even before we moved here, it was me who did all the work, the rest just tagged along. Hah! I gave enough, now it's time for myself.
Tapi kan, nanti I mesti rasa tak sampai hati pulak. Sigh.
I'm gonna miss this place when I move out in less than 2 months. Yes dammit! I'm moving again. I'm tired of packing and unpacking but I think it's best to find another place.
The current flat is comfortable, cozy and nice but it's too expensive for us all. The rent itself is not too bad considering the location and I love my room, but when you add up all the bills, I have just little left at the end of the month. That's why I can't afford a broadband :(
Another reason is Wolves may be going back to her country to finish her studies. I'm annoyed with her because when she asked me to move in with her, she should have known her plans or at least let me know of the possibility. If I have known that we're only staying here for 6 months, I wouldn't move at all. Bengang lah macam ni. Masa before pindah, macam macam cerita and urging us to move out cepat cepat. I even told her my doubt about the rent and the bills, but she said everything won't be that expensive. Now that I let go my fab old place, she backs out on me. Darn it! Tak boleh pakai punya orang.
To top that up, Kfiatek is giving me unnecessary headache. He thinks that maybe we could join forces with The Hotelier in finding a flat. Unfortunately, The Hotelier seems keen to find a 3 bedroom flat in Camden or Hampstead area for us all, which will kill me. Doesn't she know that to share a flat between 3 persons in that areas is a huge dent to our pockets? Hey woman, I got other bills to pay also you know. At the moment, the rent for her tiny pathetic box studio is £620 per month and she doesn't earn 6 figures either. The only nice thing about her place is that it's in Notting Hill. Notting Hill, babe! Yang ni memang minah glamer. Lagi mahal tempat tu, lagi dia nak. Hancur.
It's such a hassle to relocate. Change GP, find new gym, change of address for all bills and banks, new parking permit, bla bla. Tired lah.
I mentioned to Kfiatek that maybe we should go separate ways but he whines and moans that he can't live all by himself. According to him, I'm all he has left in London after he got dumped and all his friends went back home.
Oh no. What have I got myself into? I know I've been giving him advices, listening to him and encouraging him to move on to better things, but I didn't mean for him to be depending on me.He's a nice bloke, but he's just lazy and take life for granted. Basuh pinggan pun malas. Penat nak clean up after him lah, but if I didn't clean them up I won't have any pots and plates to use. Cis! Ada ke patut dia tak cuci my grill machine for one week and keep on re-using it to grill his chicken everyday until I told him off. Geli aku nak makan lah but he doesn't care. Mangkok ayun betullah. And then moaning about not having opportunity coming his way and stuff. Having no ambition whatsoever and no direction and goals to achieve. He doesn't even know what he wants to do ultimately. No clue. Only after some hard probing on my side, then he got into thinking about his goals but he's still blur.Sigh.
Kekadang aku rasa nak cekik je dia ni. Wake up! Wake up!So, I'm dealing with 3 people who are not sensible in making decisions. Well, decisions that affect me, that is. I am going to do what I want. I'll find a place just for me. They think I'm looking for a place for us all. Sorry lah ye. I'll tell them after two weeks that I didn't find any that fit their criteria, but in fact all along I won't even bother looking for anything except my own place. Memang I jahat and selfish, so what? Even before we moved here, it was me who did all the work, the rest just tagged along. Hah! I gave enough, now it's time for myself.
Tapi kan, nanti I mesti rasa tak sampai hati pulak. Sigh.
Wednesday, 2 March 2005
Epilog Cinta Dari Bromley
Today, I had an appointment to see a theatre manager in Bromley. I never set foot there before, so I was kind of excited to find out about the town. Every time I saw the name Bromley, it reminds me of the song by Sohaimi Meor Hassan.
First impression as I entered the area, neat. Very nice and quiet residential areas, not too posh and not tooshabby either. The high street is quite well planned unlike some places I went. People are friendly and the manager was even friendlier and talkative (I'm not complaining). And the most important thing is that the town is clean. I didn't see rubbish on the streets or the pedestrian walkway, which is a big A+.
I don't mind living here except it's quite far from M4 motorway which is an essential aspect in choosing a place to live, for me anyway.
The thing I like about the theatres is I usually get a free entertainment and a tour of the place, from the backstage to the seating areas to the bar and the store rooms. Like yesterday, I was at the Theatre Royal in Brighton and most of the time I was left alone to do my work in the foyer next to the entrance to the stage. A whole bunch of the casts went in and started practising their numbers and I got to listen to a free show.A
nother time, I was at a theatre near Strand with my former colleague when the sotong manager took us inside to see Christian Slater rehearsing his lines. We had to act normal and unaffected, but dalam hati Emm and I were so excited and giddy that we just had to let the whole world know about it. The manager even took us to wait at the backstage just in case we could say hi, but CS was busy concentrating on the stage. Unfortunately, we couldn't take pictures because it's a private rehearsal and no paparazzi is allowed. Heh.
Epilog Cinta Dari Bromley
Kau tersenyum manja
Menyatakan hasrat di hatimu
Kau kata kau cinta
Cinta pertama kepadaku
Ku hampir tergoda
Bergelora dalam kalbu
Kau bukan untuk ku
Kau dan aku
Tak mungkin berpadu
Nun di sana beribu batu
Kau kutinggalkan
Bersama hatimu
Nun di sana kau meratap pilu
Satu masa nanti
Kau akan mengerti
Apa maksudku
Kini kau menanti
Harapan mu abadi terhadapku
Kau coretkan lagi
Rahsia hatimu kepadaku
Ku doakan dikau
Bertemu seorang teman sejati
Yang satu aliran
Satu kepercayaan
Aduhai Katie
First impression as I entered the area, neat. Very nice and quiet residential areas, not too posh and not tooshabby either. The high street is quite well planned unlike some places I went. People are friendly and the manager was even friendlier and talkative (I'm not complaining). And the most important thing is that the town is clean. I didn't see rubbish on the streets or the pedestrian walkway, which is a big A+.
I don't mind living here except it's quite far from M4 motorway which is an essential aspect in choosing a place to live, for me anyway.
The thing I like about the theatres is I usually get a free entertainment and a tour of the place, from the backstage to the seating areas to the bar and the store rooms. Like yesterday, I was at the Theatre Royal in Brighton and most of the time I was left alone to do my work in the foyer next to the entrance to the stage. A whole bunch of the casts went in and started practising their numbers and I got to listen to a free show.A
nother time, I was at a theatre near Strand with my former colleague when the sotong manager took us inside to see Christian Slater rehearsing his lines. We had to act normal and unaffected, but dalam hati Emm and I were so excited and giddy that we just had to let the whole world know about it. The manager even took us to wait at the backstage just in case we could say hi, but CS was busy concentrating on the stage. Unfortunately, we couldn't take pictures because it's a private rehearsal and no paparazzi is allowed. Heh.
Epilog Cinta Dari Bromley
Kau tersenyum manja
Menyatakan hasrat di hatimu
Kau kata kau cinta
Cinta pertama kepadaku
Ku hampir tergoda
Bergelora dalam kalbu
Kau bukan untuk ku
Kau dan aku
Tak mungkin berpadu
Nun di sana beribu batu
Kau kutinggalkan
Bersama hatimu
Nun di sana kau meratap pilu
Satu masa nanti
Kau akan mengerti
Apa maksudku
Kini kau menanti
Harapan mu abadi terhadapku
Kau coretkan lagi
Rahsia hatimu kepadaku
Ku doakan dikau
Bertemu seorang teman sejati
Yang satu aliran
Satu kepercayaan
Aduhai Katie
Sunday, 27 February 2005
Dry your eyes, mate.
A few days ago, I received messages from you saying that you've discovered a piece of information about the man you love. You are heartbroken and bruised. My friend, I am sorry I'm not there physically, to offer my shoulders while you are at the bottom. I know how painful it is, for I have gone through it too, though it's now more like a very distant memory.
To love and not be loved is a cruel and hurtful stage in our lovelife. I'm not going to tell you that your life is going to sail smoothly. There will be times when you feel you can't take whatever life is throwing at you and you just want to die. There will be times when you feel you just want to break down and cry. Let it out, my friend. You are entitled to a little self pity. While you're at it, just remember you are the only best thing that happen in your life.
You are worth a thousand more than him. Slowly, you will get back on your feet and you will be laughing again. Your pain will soon heal but the scar will be a reminder that you have learnt a lesson. Be as cynical as you want, but please... please do not give up on love. I haven't.
There is no doubt
He left you without a clue
I know you think (I know it)
You have no future - no future at all
I'll show you how (I'll show you)
How I'll make you not hurt at all
So if we try (if we try)
We'll walk through the moonlight
I'm here when you fall
Dry your eyes, he left you crying
Deep down inside I know you just feel like dying
Dry your eyes, I'm gonna be there for you
Waiting forever
Ever more
Now that he's gone (he's gone)
Can you find the strength to carry on
I'll show you love
Love and compassion - you'll open your heart
To love and not be loved is a cruel and hurtful stage in our lovelife. I'm not going to tell you that your life is going to sail smoothly. There will be times when you feel you can't take whatever life is throwing at you and you just want to die. There will be times when you feel you just want to break down and cry. Let it out, my friend. You are entitled to a little self pity. While you're at it, just remember you are the only best thing that happen in your life.
You are worth a thousand more than him. Slowly, you will get back on your feet and you will be laughing again. Your pain will soon heal but the scar will be a reminder that you have learnt a lesson. Be as cynical as you want, but please... please do not give up on love. I haven't.
There is no doubt
He left you without a clue
I know you think (I know it)
You have no future - no future at all
I'll show you how (I'll show you)
How I'll make you not hurt at all
So if we try (if we try)
We'll walk through the moonlight
I'm here when you fall
Dry your eyes, he left you crying
Deep down inside I know you just feel like dying
Dry your eyes, I'm gonna be there for you
Waiting forever
Ever more
Now that he's gone (he's gone)
Can you find the strength to carry on
I'll show you love
Love and compassion - you'll open your heart
Friday, 25 February 2005
Wise words
I picked these up from somewhere. I thought I share them with you readers. Pearls of wisdom for women and men alike.
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you have set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it.
2. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does and won't be shy to point that out.
3. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
4. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
5. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
6. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
7. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. If you look like your passport picture, then you probably need the holiday.
10. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Hope your life will never be the same again.
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you have set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it.
2. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does and won't be shy to point that out.
3. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
4. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
5. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
6. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
7. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. If you look like your passport picture, then you probably need the holiday.
10. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Hope your life will never be the same again.
Wednesday, 23 February 2005
Moments of ecstasy and pleasure
Meg entered the room and, with a knowing smile playing about her lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly towards her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotising her with his murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, Meg allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satify her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused and, for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, 'It's too big! It will never fit!'
Then with the sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...Oh yes.
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly towards her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotising her with his murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, Meg allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satify her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused and, for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, 'It's too big! It will never fit!'
Then with the sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...Oh yes.
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?
Sunday, 20 February 2005
Mystical moods
Of a woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradictions,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in satin, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
Of a man
One word. Horny.
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradictions,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in satin, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
Of a man
One word. Horny.
Thursday, 17 February 2005
aku terkencing dalam seluar
I was supposed to go outstation today but delay one day so hooray for blogging! Sebenarnya I was being so emo last night, al maklumlah kan. I still got darah muda you know, even dah tua tua cam ni. Me got worked up and pissed off at the anons because of strings of comments left all over the blogosphere. My take is they're not the sole reason for dz to quit. I guess dz has many other reasons that only she knows. You know lah like work, cats, hanturaya, bomoh, spa and skydiving.... and oh not to forget, she has to cuci taik Farhan with post-it notes. Hehehe... jangan marah ye dz.
Ok.. now that everything is calm I can laugh at myself. Did you read the last line? Come on. Bring it on.Hahaha...macam nak berperang pulak. Eh eh.. memang lah this blog about battles but that one line sounds like perang cheerleaders pulak. Heessh tak kuasa aku.
Masa balik tadi I drove passed the services on M4, dah lepas baru terasa nak terkencing. Celaka betul. Dah ler I mengantuk macam nak mampus sebab tak cukup tidur berdrama semalam. Dah puas dah slapped my face sampai merah pipi tapi tak jalan jugak. So to keep me awake, I rolled down the window. Temp was 3 degree kot.. sejuknyaaaa. Terbeliak bijik mata. Memang mujarab ubat tahan tidur yang ni.
Tapi kan pergi tambah pulak dengan my bladder problem yang dok nak terkeluar sesangat ni, satu kesilapan besar. Memang nak terburai masa tengah driving jugak. Let me tell you a secret. Never rolled down your window kalau nak terkencing. Pengsan. I saw the next services is 20 miles away. Nak berhenti kat tepi jalan, nak mampus? Karang kecut abis bila dok mencangkung. Kalau kat kg, org tua kata hantu ikut lekat kat situ tu. Hmm.. jadi lelaki kan senang.
Wuaaaa... teruknya saya terkemut-kemut menahan. Sepanjang jalan saya berdansa sorang sorang. My hip sekejap lean depan sekejap sandar kat seat. Kejap pakai seat belt kejap bukak. Mana taknya, belt dok tekan perut bila saya menari. Aiyoo
Sampai je kat service station, ingat nak terus lari pi toilet tapi tak boleh. Lesson no 2, jangan bergerak walau seinci pun bila kereta berhenti. Relax dulu, tarik nafas in and out. Kalau tak, basah seluar sebab dia dah dok tunggu depan pintu. Bila rasa dia toleh ke dalam semula, barulah get out from the car ok.
Time ni, muka dah merah and panas. Imagine bila I duduk je atas bowl tu, hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lega.
terkencing dalam seluar? eh mana ada.
Ok.. now that everything is calm I can laugh at myself. Did you read the last line? Come on. Bring it on.Hahaha...macam nak berperang pulak. Eh eh.. memang lah this blog about battles but that one line sounds like perang cheerleaders pulak. Heessh tak kuasa aku.
Masa balik tadi I drove passed the services on M4, dah lepas baru terasa nak terkencing. Celaka betul. Dah ler I mengantuk macam nak mampus sebab tak cukup tidur berdrama semalam. Dah puas dah slapped my face sampai merah pipi tapi tak jalan jugak. So to keep me awake, I rolled down the window. Temp was 3 degree kot.. sejuknyaaaa. Terbeliak bijik mata. Memang mujarab ubat tahan tidur yang ni.
Tapi kan pergi tambah pulak dengan my bladder problem yang dok nak terkeluar sesangat ni, satu kesilapan besar. Memang nak terburai masa tengah driving jugak. Let me tell you a secret. Never rolled down your window kalau nak terkencing. Pengsan. I saw the next services is 20 miles away. Nak berhenti kat tepi jalan, nak mampus? Karang kecut abis bila dok mencangkung. Kalau kat kg, org tua kata hantu ikut lekat kat situ tu. Hmm.. jadi lelaki kan senang.
Wuaaaa... teruknya saya terkemut-kemut menahan. Sepanjang jalan saya berdansa sorang sorang. My hip sekejap lean depan sekejap sandar kat seat. Kejap pakai seat belt kejap bukak. Mana taknya, belt dok tekan perut bila saya menari. Aiyoo
Sampai je kat service station, ingat nak terus lari pi toilet tapi tak boleh. Lesson no 2, jangan bergerak walau seinci pun bila kereta berhenti. Relax dulu, tarik nafas in and out. Kalau tak, basah seluar sebab dia dah dok tunggu depan pintu. Bila rasa dia toleh ke dalam semula, barulah get out from the car ok.
Time ni, muka dah merah and panas. Imagine bila I duduk je atas bowl tu, hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lega.
terkencing dalam seluar? eh mana ada.
Wednesday, 16 February 2005
It's a sad ending but necessary
Yes, it is already late and I haven't gone to bed yet. From anxiety to confusion, to being sad and now I'm mad.
I'm so pissed off and I got so much energy to burn. If anyone was in front of me now, memang dah kena kickboxing dah. Whoever you are, you are such a fucking bastard! Dare comment but a fucking coward that you are, you hide by being anonymous.
I shouldn't be emotional and this is not about me, but when it involves my friends, damn right I will defend them! I'm fiercely loyal and when idiots like you cross the line, enough is enough.
Why are you so envious of people who are trying to pick up the pieces of their life? Do they hurt you? Do they kacau you? Or do they even ask for your money? What have they done that affect you badly? Come out and say it.
At least those who blog and bare their souls on the net, they are honest. We are not perfect, just human full with flaws and yes, we are lost but we are seeking to find the path back to the main road. The least you could do is offer support or if you can't do anything else, just shut the fuck up!
This stupid attitude shows exactly what kind of characters you have. You can say whatever you want to me, I'm ready but be truthful and show that you are not a coward.
The blog that inspired me to write is shutting down within 24 hours. It's heartbreaking to know what the writer has gone through and is still going through, I can only imagine. When you read the writing, you think you know them but the fact is you don't. Writers are public figures but they don't owe it to you or anybody else. They only let you on bits and pieces of their life, but that doesn't mean you know them personally.
Blogging can bring happiness and make you feel relieved but at some point it has been a difficult journey for some. In reality, friends can become enemies and strangers you don't know maybe the gems. This is the path to self discovery. And what a discovery it is for the writer. You shall be missed.
Come one. Bring it on.
I'm so pissed off and I got so much energy to burn. If anyone was in front of me now, memang dah kena kickboxing dah. Whoever you are, you are such a fucking bastard! Dare comment but a fucking coward that you are, you hide by being anonymous.
I shouldn't be emotional and this is not about me, but when it involves my friends, damn right I will defend them! I'm fiercely loyal and when idiots like you cross the line, enough is enough.
Why are you so envious of people who are trying to pick up the pieces of their life? Do they hurt you? Do they kacau you? Or do they even ask for your money? What have they done that affect you badly? Come out and say it.
At least those who blog and bare their souls on the net, they are honest. We are not perfect, just human full with flaws and yes, we are lost but we are seeking to find the path back to the main road. The least you could do is offer support or if you can't do anything else, just shut the fuck up!
This stupid attitude shows exactly what kind of characters you have. You can say whatever you want to me, I'm ready but be truthful and show that you are not a coward.
The blog that inspired me to write is shutting down within 24 hours. It's heartbreaking to know what the writer has gone through and is still going through, I can only imagine. When you read the writing, you think you know them but the fact is you don't. Writers are public figures but they don't owe it to you or anybody else. They only let you on bits and pieces of their life, but that doesn't mean you know them personally.
Blogging can bring happiness and make you feel relieved but at some point it has been a difficult journey for some. In reality, friends can become enemies and strangers you don't know maybe the gems. This is the path to self discovery. And what a discovery it is for the writer. You shall be missed.
Come one. Bring it on.
Thursday, 3 February 2005
A Letter to the Grave
Dear Father,
I don’t know how to begin. The last time I saw you in 1999, you were taken to a mosque and my final chance to say what’s inside of me went out the window. I thought gone were the days of uneasiness and doubtful feelings of an insecure daughter. How wrong I was. Last night after almost 15 years of denial, I broke down.
You were there for us, but you were never there. You were the pillar of the family and the backbone providing us with whatever we asked of you. But Father, did you ever love us? As a person. As your children.
All these years I carried with me a sad thought that you never ever held us in your arms just like a normal loving father should. How could you not do that? How could you never have the desire to at least lift us up and cuddle us? It hurts and I grieved for the missing caresses. It affected me in a way I never wanted to acknowledge it until now. It has shaped me to become a woman I am today. Indifference.
Maybe in your own way, you loved us. You just didn’t know how to show it. The truth is, I don’t know whether I could say I love you. I know I never uttered the words. How could I when you hardly pat my back for my achievements or hug me when I fell off my bike? When I failed my studies, all I wanted was a hug and soothing words telling me everything was ok but to get up and face life again. And when I was getting better, encouraging words would have help too. Did I ever received them? Never. You frowned or smiled, but never showed your true feelings. I know you were proud of me but not once you ever said it to me. Sometimes I needed to hear the words to make me feel better because I definitely can't read your mind.
Showing your emotions doesn’t make you less of a man, Father. You didn’t have to be serious and strong all the time but it seemed to me you never allowed the closeness and tenderness in our life. It looked like you never displayed any interest or paid attention to my emotional needs. And oh how I craved for a little bit of touch from you, but in the end I grew tired of waiting.
I might be able to understand you if, for once, you faltered over in your life because as we grow older, we became wiser too but I never understand you. Was it because you're given away as a child that made you distant? The fact that your parents didn't want you didn't mean that you could treat us the same way you were treated. We needed you. We needed your warmth and love.
I fear you as a father but to respect you, I doubt it. It didn’t take you long before you married again. 5 months, Father. 5 fucking months! She wasn’t even cold yet in her grave when you remarried. And you dare said we were not being fair. Weren’t we entitled to be angry and felt betrayed by you? I resented her but I tolerated her presence and I was cilivised because I didn't know where to vent my anger.
Is it any wonder why I hated going home, even for Raya? I’d rather spend my time with my friends’ families who adopted me into their lives. I see them as a strong family institution and my friends are my family I never felt I had. With them I shared my miseries and my happiness.
Is it any wonder why I have little trust in men in general? They have to earn my trust and show that they are capable of loving or else I would be blinded to see them as you. Believe me, I am a romantic fool. It’s either all or nothing. I don't want my children to feel like what I have suffered emotionally. It seemed like your sons and your other daughter managed to build their lives just fine. All your grandchildren are wonderful and they know how to show their emotions. I love hugging them to show that I love them dearly.
I wish things were different and I wish we were one big happy family, but this is me. I bleed and I was bitter. I’m sorry I didn’t cry at your funeral. Should I?
I don’t know how to begin. The last time I saw you in 1999, you were taken to a mosque and my final chance to say what’s inside of me went out the window. I thought gone were the days of uneasiness and doubtful feelings of an insecure daughter. How wrong I was. Last night after almost 15 years of denial, I broke down.
You were there for us, but you were never there. You were the pillar of the family and the backbone providing us with whatever we asked of you. But Father, did you ever love us? As a person. As your children.
All these years I carried with me a sad thought that you never ever held us in your arms just like a normal loving father should. How could you not do that? How could you never have the desire to at least lift us up and cuddle us? It hurts and I grieved for the missing caresses. It affected me in a way I never wanted to acknowledge it until now. It has shaped me to become a woman I am today. Indifference.
Maybe in your own way, you loved us. You just didn’t know how to show it. The truth is, I don’t know whether I could say I love you. I know I never uttered the words. How could I when you hardly pat my back for my achievements or hug me when I fell off my bike? When I failed my studies, all I wanted was a hug and soothing words telling me everything was ok but to get up and face life again. And when I was getting better, encouraging words would have help too. Did I ever received them? Never. You frowned or smiled, but never showed your true feelings. I know you were proud of me but not once you ever said it to me. Sometimes I needed to hear the words to make me feel better because I definitely can't read your mind.
Showing your emotions doesn’t make you less of a man, Father. You didn’t have to be serious and strong all the time but it seemed to me you never allowed the closeness and tenderness in our life. It looked like you never displayed any interest or paid attention to my emotional needs. And oh how I craved for a little bit of touch from you, but in the end I grew tired of waiting.
I might be able to understand you if, for once, you faltered over in your life because as we grow older, we became wiser too but I never understand you. Was it because you're given away as a child that made you distant? The fact that your parents didn't want you didn't mean that you could treat us the same way you were treated. We needed you. We needed your warmth and love.
I fear you as a father but to respect you, I doubt it. It didn’t take you long before you married again. 5 months, Father. 5 fucking months! She wasn’t even cold yet in her grave when you remarried. And you dare said we were not being fair. Weren’t we entitled to be angry and felt betrayed by you? I resented her but I tolerated her presence and I was cilivised because I didn't know where to vent my anger.
Is it any wonder why I hated going home, even for Raya? I’d rather spend my time with my friends’ families who adopted me into their lives. I see them as a strong family institution and my friends are my family I never felt I had. With them I shared my miseries and my happiness.
Is it any wonder why I have little trust in men in general? They have to earn my trust and show that they are capable of loving or else I would be blinded to see them as you. Believe me, I am a romantic fool. It’s either all or nothing. I don't want my children to feel like what I have suffered emotionally. It seemed like your sons and your other daughter managed to build their lives just fine. All your grandchildren are wonderful and they know how to show their emotions. I love hugging them to show that I love them dearly.
I wish things were different and I wish we were one big happy family, but this is me. I bleed and I was bitter. I’m sorry I didn’t cry at your funeral. Should I?
Wednesday, 2 February 2005
62.78% Sexually Corrupted
My brain is a sly creature and a jumble of broken sentences. Sometimes, I barely finish saying or making up sentences when I would be rudely interrupted thus making my brain clutters. And sometimes my loud mouth is faster than my head so I ended up saying all the wrong things to the wrong people at the wrong time, which happen to be most of the time. Please, pardon my ignorance.
But when it comes to sex (education or not), I’m all wicked and as good as new. You betcha! The kinkiness of it just brings out the woman in me. You know, some people (if you are men, please exclude yourselves) lived all their life and never went into an adult store. Several of them would like to step foot in it but too scared or ashamed to succumb to their curiosity. A few would carelessly walk in and came out intact, yet there’s only a handful that signed up as a member and kept going back for more. It’s a perfectly natural instinct, but please, there’s no prize for guessing which group I fall into.
The first adult theatre I went to was Olde Un Theatre in Columbia, quite a huge one but since it was the only one of its kind in town, the need for it was understandable. I bumped into it by accident. Just arrived from the homeland, I acquired a bicycle in the middle of a full-blown snowy cyclone season. And one fine day, cold from the breeze and breathless from cycling up the hill, I glanced across the road and saw the sign.
After a few minutes of arguing with myself, I decided I should go in. There were two entrances; one facing the main road and the other was at the side. Parked my bike and put on a very tebal face, I just walked in through the side door. You'd think I was crazy enough to walk in the front door? No way Jose! I was a naive 21 for goodness sake! and didn't I say somewhere that I am shy? And if I tell you what I was wearing on my head at that time, you'd be so freaking surprised!
I was greeted by the sight of so many shelves of videos, magazines, and gifts and another entrance to theater room (they just added 3 more recently). I was stunned for a few minutes and as I walked in, the patrons were stunned too and looked at me as if I just fell from heaven (or hell). I was feeling awkward and sheepish but soon after I got caught up with some sort of twisted excitement in browsing all the stuffs. I can’t believe all the err.. educational and colorful pictures on the cover of the tapes. As I remember, the videos were separated into soft and hardcore yet I found it hard to differentiate. They all looked the same to me.
Another section (this I like) is the sexy silk lingeries, handcuffs, whips and other goodies for bedroom games. I spent over an hour looking through all that while at the same time entertaining wild thoughts. Before I left the place, I put on another brave face and approached the man behind the counter.
Excuse me. How to be a member? (To rent, one has to be a member)
Bring an ID.
An ID? Er.. passport ok?
Sure.
I cycled back with a mixed feeling. Don’t know whether it was due to shock, delight or disbelief. But I never felt the shame.Oh! That place closes at 3 am. So when I couldn’t sleep, I’d …. ahh well, you don’t need to know that.
Btw, I think that store at Mid Valley doesn't even come close to the real ones. Five minutes in there and I wanted out. If they want to have one, why not make an extensive adult store. After all, we are all wicked and bizarre enough, only malu malu kucing in public.
Oh please! Don't blame my two cents for the keruntuhan akhlak of the youngsters. They have been doing a fine job of that on their own.
But when it comes to sex (education or not), I’m all wicked and as good as new. You betcha! The kinkiness of it just brings out the woman in me. You know, some people (if you are men, please exclude yourselves) lived all their life and never went into an adult store. Several of them would like to step foot in it but too scared or ashamed to succumb to their curiosity. A few would carelessly walk in and came out intact, yet there’s only a handful that signed up as a member and kept going back for more. It’s a perfectly natural instinct, but please, there’s no prize for guessing which group I fall into.
The first adult theatre I went to was Olde Un Theatre in Columbia, quite a huge one but since it was the only one of its kind in town, the need for it was understandable. I bumped into it by accident. Just arrived from the homeland, I acquired a bicycle in the middle of a full-blown snowy cyclone season. And one fine day, cold from the breeze and breathless from cycling up the hill, I glanced across the road and saw the sign.
After a few minutes of arguing with myself, I decided I should go in. There were two entrances; one facing the main road and the other was at the side. Parked my bike and put on a very tebal face, I just walked in through the side door. You'd think I was crazy enough to walk in the front door? No way Jose! I was a naive 21 for goodness sake! and didn't I say somewhere that I am shy? And if I tell you what I was wearing on my head at that time, you'd be so freaking surprised!
I was greeted by the sight of so many shelves of videos, magazines, and gifts and another entrance to theater room (they just added 3 more recently). I was stunned for a few minutes and as I walked in, the patrons were stunned too and looked at me as if I just fell from heaven (or hell). I was feeling awkward and sheepish but soon after I got caught up with some sort of twisted excitement in browsing all the stuffs. I can’t believe all the err.. educational and colorful pictures on the cover of the tapes. As I remember, the videos were separated into soft and hardcore yet I found it hard to differentiate. They all looked the same to me.
Another section (this I like) is the sexy silk lingeries, handcuffs, whips and other goodies for bedroom games. I spent over an hour looking through all that while at the same time entertaining wild thoughts. Before I left the place, I put on another brave face and approached the man behind the counter.
Excuse me. How to be a member? (To rent, one has to be a member)
Bring an ID.
An ID? Er.. passport ok?
Sure.
I cycled back with a mixed feeling. Don’t know whether it was due to shock, delight or disbelief. But I never felt the shame.Oh! That place closes at 3 am. So when I couldn’t sleep, I’d …. ahh well, you don’t need to know that.
Btw, I think that store at Mid Valley doesn't even come close to the real ones. Five minutes in there and I wanted out. If they want to have one, why not make an extensive adult store. After all, we are all wicked and bizarre enough, only malu malu kucing in public.
Oh please! Don't blame my two cents for the keruntuhan akhlak of the youngsters. They have been doing a fine job of that on their own.
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