all flaws and in front of you

Sunday 11:07 am

This is utterly unbelievable. I’m here at a site, in a van, ready for business, but instead I’m writing an entry for blog. The weather is so horrible that I finally decided I should switch on my computer and do something before I die out of boredom.

Normally, I don’t have anywhere to connect for electricity, however, at this site, lucky me, they have an external socket. So, I can sit in here writing or watching dvd. For all I know, I probably won’t have any customers at all. The weird thing about the Brits is that be it freezing weather, they somehow will still enjoy their cold desserts. Mmm… I could never understand it.

Yesterday, Messed Up Girl did offer to come work with me at the site, but due to unforeseen circumstances, she couldn’t make it. It’s good that she didn’t come or else, she too, would die of boredom.

You know, it’s kinda funny when I say to some people (bloggers) that we should meet some times. I dunno whether I actually have the gut to go see them. So far, I’ve only met Kakteh, Min and Azuradec.

Min, for example, had been asking me out constantly, for few weeks until I finally had the courage to say yes for a drink. I met Kakteh for two reasons. One, she’s basically a family. Two, because I had Ahui with me, I didn’t really feel the anxiety. Meeting Azuradec was purely because I was just trying to be a good human being to another, and because I had the mean to help. I

tell you, before meeting them, I dread about it all week and I tried to delay as long as possible. It was actually scary. You read the stories of my life, know the demons I had to banish and learn what's inside my head, and I think it should stay that way. I don't think I have the energy to meet the other bloggers.

If you don’t know me, let me tell you that I am a shy person. I like keeping things to myself and do my own things alone. My blog life doesn’t reflect my real life. I maybe vocal, write rubbish things and swear a lot in blog, but I don’t talk that much, especially with strangers. If I find that your thoughts and mine are not on the same wavelength, I will start daydream and be lost in my own world. If I was mad or frustrated about something, you wouldn’t know it because I always hide them behind my smile.

When you read about my life here, you thought oh how brave she is when in fact I am scared shit. I do what I have to do because I want to be different and because I had to create my own destiny.I am not a social butterfly, and I am sure PS can vouch on this. The last time I was home, I hardly went out to meet people and I think she resented the fact that I was hibernating in my nest.

Every time she invited me to some parties with her fabulous friends, I declined and made a lot of excuses that she finally gave up on me. I am a true Cancer; always homely and a tad too sensitive. I know I disappointed you, PS and for that I am sorry.

The fact is I don’t know how to connect with these people. My life is mundane and too ordinary compared to them. My adventures are not as exciting and I am not as cultured.

Only when I am with good friends who know me inside out that I took off my mask. I laugh and joke a lot. I can be ridiculously funny, talk rubbish and be silly. I can be the brave Ewok, or Doraemon, Martha Stewart, Nigella Lawson, Henry VIII or sometimes Shakespeare when the occasion suits me, and they still would not think differently. They will still tell me straight to my face if what I was doing is not good for me. They are honest, sincere and critical. And I know it’s all because they love me.

I’ve been through a lot of stages where I was sad, mad and angry with my family. I distanced myself and I refused to go home. During this time, my friends were my family. Without them, I would have drifted away and never be found again. They keep me sane.

PS, I know I hurt you some times ago when you were here with me. Remember Agata and Agy? I am ashamed of myself for that. For a long time, I feel bad about it but I dunno how to tell you. I want you to know that I am very very sorry for treating you that way. Even after that incident, you never stopped being my friend. You never hesitated to tell me where I stand or where I do wrong. I can discuss with you everything and you won't be judgmental of my silliness and outrageousness. You can be the most messy cook ever but I know you would never let me mess up my life. I can always count on you to keep my feet on the ground.

Ju, I can never thank you enough for being the pillar in my life. You and your family welcomed me into your circle and given me love. You may be naïve sometimes but it is comforting to know that you will always be there when I needed someone to talk to. When I was in a deep shit, you’re the one who came to the rescue and pulled me out of it. You’re the rational and practical one. You are a great friend with big heart and with what little you have, you would share with me. You know, all those years ago, I let you bully me into doing pesky little things because I care for you.

To my best friends, I value your friendships more than ever. You may be far from me, but you never left my heart. I miss you so much, and that explains why you keep getting my phone calls all the time.

Love you lots.

Btw PS, you'd be glad to know that I finally finished To Kill A Mockingbird, a year too late. Normally, the bird mocks me when I was trying to read it before going to bed. No more baby, no more. It's really a fantastic book but I had to speed up because I want to start HP.