The day we went to dinner up the tree house at Naili's, I sang like a baffoon. Ahakssss... I know myself so I won't say I have suara emas. Don't bother betting on me.
Dinner was good and the conversation was even better. It's a place where you can just be you, with all the flaws out in the open. You see, I don't see myself as near perfect (because no one is perfect anyway). I am so insecured that I don't even care to admit it. I just live on.
I have a problem being in a group of strangers. I do not know how to.. errm.. talk. I find it hard to make small talk. I don' think that I am unfriendly but some would see me that way because I dislike talking to people about myself. I see no point of opening up to those I hardly know and I do not know how to 'menyampuk' in a conversation as PS put it. She has been my coach since I've been back. Sometimes I follow her advice, but most of the times I'm just not bothered.
There were times when I think that my communication problem will have a major impact on my jodoh. Tu lah, I know I sewel. Deep down I was afraid that I would not meet someone or when I met him, I would be too scared to open my mouth. Either way I might lose out. He could be right in front of me but how would I know? Sigh.
When Mak passed away exactly 10 years ago today, it was unexpected, on my side anyway. I wasn't ready. Fast forward to now, I think I know what to expect. I know that even the most able-bodied may be dead the next day, but the truth is I am still scared to lose people I care for. To grief till my heart bleeds. Tak sanggup, but my heart doesn't know that. I am weak and too soft, and when I love, I love.
That, however, leads me to another insecurity. How would you know that you're loved by those whom you love? Am I worth everything for them to fight my battle with me, or at least hold my hands when I'm down? Do I show or tell I love them in return for the reassurance that they feel the same? One look at me, people used to assume that I was serious and tough, that I do not know how to love. Well, ok, maybe I do not know how to show my affection but that doesn't mean I do not care.
You know what intrigues me is the way some people are intimidated by physical look, which in my case is my eyes. Yes, they're so big that they could pop out any time. However, it has been 31 years and they're still there. When I listen attentively, I was told that my eyes become even bigger, though I don't feel any difference. I have to tolerate myself for having my eyes, what else can I do, right? I just wish sometimes people stop saying 'waaa mata you niii.....' Hah! Mata I ni apa?
I should add singing as one of my many flaws. I can't sing to save myself. But do you think I care? Of course not. Once, I entered a competition for Zone Alor Setar many light years ago. Mak aii... the judges must be deaf to let me thru to the semis. I sang lagu rock kapak. I think it was Sentuhan Kecundang or was it Pusara di Lebuhraya? I admit I cannot get enough of these songs. I'm such an otai that I can still remember the lyrics. Girls... so sorry to torture you that night with my rendition of rock ballards. Hancus!
These last few weeks, however, have been really good. I am able to see a bigger picture of myself. I may not be clever but I listen a lot and I observe more. I accept my fears and I acknowledge that there will be times when my self-esteem at the lowest. All I have is my strength and heart to help pull me back. Things that are out of my control I will leave them to God. Jodoh dan ajal are not for me to fret. With the new family law, I say run fast before they catch you for prey.
I have just one more day. I shall miss you. A lot.
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