the day I wrote about a serious issue

It feels a little lonely to spend the festive season here instead of in Malaysia. But beggar can't be choosy, can she? :)

I hope everyone else is having a good time celebrating and I can't wait for 2008 to come. Thank God I was not caught in the madness of boxing day sales. It was never for me, and I had no intention to even step foot in Oxford Street at this time of the year. Mad!

Today I got a call from T who is having a problem with her boyfriend, asking if I could take her out. Since not much is happening I just took her to a girls club in Soho, with no intention of cruising or whatsover. We just wanted to unwind and relax and before the club closes we walked to another to find that most clubs are also closing as they're kinda dead anyway.

We ended up in a bar chatting and laughing away in a little corner when suddenly I found that we were surrounded by a bunch of men. They seem nice in the beginning but after a few minutes they started making innuendos that they wouldn't mind a threesome.

Initially, I find it funny and told them that I'm not interested in men and T told them that she too is a lesbian just to get them away. I got pissed off when these slimy, dodgy men were trying to convince me that I just haven't met the right man.

Excuse me? Which part of lesbianism that some people don't understand?

Let's be honest here. When people hear anything about lesbians, all they think about is sex. And it makes me even mad when people started wiggling the tongue. Gross! I dunno why but I got a vibe that that doesn't normally happen when it involves gay men. Unfortunately to us we have been portrayed as the sex maniacs or have become the butt of a joke or a pervert or something. Dang! If you are straight, look at the men or women around you now. Do you fancy them and want to sleep with all of them? No? Then what makes you think that I fancy all women I see?

The most important part that people need to understand is homosexuality is not all about sex. Most women find a special enjoyment being in the company of other women. There is more understanding on all levels; intellectual, emotional, sensual. Women understand what women mean when they talk, just as men understand men. Women relate to each other better than they do to men. If you take the sex part (and religious) out, it makes sense that two women would want to be together.

Let's face it, we (and when I say we I mean LGBT) did not choose this path or that we had the option of being gays, or not. Do you think that we enjoy and we want to be ostracised by the society? Do you think it's fun being alienated and live our lives the hard way? Having to hide our true self, being forced to lie, being harassed, oppressed and discriminated against? Trust me, no one wants that kind of life. Definitely not me.

You know the stories you read in the tabloid lately about young women with many lesbian lovers and runaway lesbians are just stories. Some of them are kids who do not know what it means to be gay. They are still 'budak hingusan' and rebels. Because of the social stigma attached to homosexuality, most parents try to point fingers at someone when their daughters 'turned out' that way. They blamed their daughters' lesbian friends or tv programs for the negative influence. Look. Just step back a little, listen and learn. Don't shut them out. Nothing good will ever came out if people started pointing fingers at each other.

And get real! It's neither a trend nor a phase.

If after reading this you think that I am brave, bold, adventurous and independent, think again. I am a chicken shit. Just like the rest of other people, I am the same person since I was born, the same person that my parents raised and the same just as before I come out.

The truth is I and I can say that most of us are scared that if we come out of the closet we will lose the love of the most important people in our lives, our parents and families. All we ever wanted to know is that we are still loved no matter who we are or what sexual orientation we have. Nothing more, nothing less.

And today, the 12th year since my mother passed away, I need to reaffirm my own belief that my mother and father would still love me if they had known the truth.

of mantras

It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon.

I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.

No bullshit!

Come on, Ewok!

tales of the dales

The last few days have been quite alright I think. I didn't think about the heartache too much. Instead I went out of London to the little town where everything started.

It was really good to see Gaz and family again after almost 3 years. He bought a farm and has started producing his own ice cream. It looks like his business has grown and will continue to grow. A few months back he even offered me to work for him again with lots of incentives thrown together. Although I like him and the job, I feel that my heart is now in London.

As for Clarky, he has become little mature but he never lost his charm and as witty as ever. Well, except that he lost his front tooth. Ha ha!

They were a bit surprised to learn that K and I are no longer together and I was bombarded with the inevitable questions. But instead of feeling sad and depressed I felt really good talking about it. It was as if I'm letting go.

I am glad that I went up north just to clear my head. Maybe I should go out of town more often.

The only thing that made me sad is knowing K is sick :(

of dying and keeping perspective

People may say that no one ever died of broken heart but since I'm suffering from one, it's sure doesn't feel that way.

Every passing day is a torture. The lost connection, the fading laughter, the forgotten banters.

It's all feel like shit. I feel like shit.

How could she do this to me and then said she can't imagine not having me in her life? What the fuck is that? It's unfair and a little selfish I'd say.

There were times when I feel that I really wanna pick up the phone and call just so I could hear her voice but I know I can't. I have to resist the urge even though I think about her all the time.

Thank goodness for the good friends around me. Marc and The Candle Girl dragged me out to see films or just to hang out even when I was feeling despondent. The Third Floor Girls have been forcing me to go walking with them, which help takes my mind off my woe.

I admit that I fell out of touch with some friends during the relationship, but I have learned a lesson from it. I'm picking up all the pieces and as The Mentor said, my suffering is only one problem out of the many. I shall keep that in perspective.

of life swap

For those who think they have something to say, advice to give, preaching to do bla bla bla, let's make a deal, sweetheart.

Let's swap and I will let you live my life for the last 18 years. Then we can talk. What do you say, eh?

For now, you live yours I live mine. Peacefully, before I tell you to bugger off!

of pain

I used to think that I am a very calm person. I walk away from argument and I can't stand a heated conversation or any violent behaviours.

Now I feel like smashing everything in sight. I am constantly pissed and most of the time I don't know what or whom I'm mad at. I didn't realise that I have such anger all bottled up inside. I'm just angry at people, at me, at her and at lifeless objects. Gosh! This energy is driving me crazy.

I know my friends are telling me it's just a normal phase I'm going through. And I am embracing this, but I just don't know for how long I could do it. I'm just not cut out to be this way.

I'm too gentle, too nice and too emotional.

The Mentor has been very good and after reassuring me that I will meet someone nice and better she told me to get off it already, which made me laugh. Such gem she is.

Yeah, the thought of going back in the scene and starts dating is a little scary. I don't think I could do so soon since the duct tapes are still plastered all over my heart.

What also scares me is the fact that I would probably go through heartache again and again until I find the right person is a bit taxing. I can't handle it. It took me years to get over the previous one and now this one made me look like I came back from a battle.

Oh such pain!

the mask of a fool

My sister commented that I wear a mask all the time.

Maybe I am wearing a mask, but that's because I feel the need to shield myself. I want to protect myself from the cruelties and the horrible experiences that could hurt and make me suffer. Honestly, I am scared of pain and heartache.

However, I realised that sometimes when I feel slightly safe I'd remove the mask and rejoice in finding my true self. I want to enjoy the sunshine and the happiness it brings. It is such a glorious feeling.

But there will be a time when the unexpected happens and whack!! You got hit and fell flat on your face.

Damn!

It's time to put the mask on again. Too bad.

of freaky friday

A lot can be said from what happened recently, but I refused to resort to throwing a tantrum. That's not me.

And to be honest, she is such a nice and lovely person. So beautiful inside out that I felt so lucky to have known her. In these days of craziness, I'd never though I'd to meet someone as sweet and considerate.

The tantrum I'm refering to is not about her behaviour or characters. No, it's the way the relationship was going at that time. I wish I could change something that I did or said 3 weeks ago because it was that that triggered the break up. That freaked her out and made her run the opposite direction.

If there was someone to blame, it should be me. It doesn't matter that she said it wasn't me. Deep down I know the truth.

There was no point in crying my eyeballs out. At least we were happy in that short period of time, and we could still be friends even though my heart breaks at the thought.

Yes, it happened on a Friday :(

of time and rindu

Everyone keeps saying to give some space and time which is logical and fair enough.

I went into a relationship without a single baggage whereas it was different for her. Too many baggages and problems to think of that make it impossible to think clearly.

I honestly understand and accept the fact that we are on a different level.

But the heartache is still the same. Someone said to give enough time for her to miss me. But what about me? All the things I have belonging to her, the weird orange fish she won for me at a funfair, the special bull from Spain. Looking at them makes my heart bleeds. What about my rindu?

It hurts to know that I don't have the same previlege, anymore.

Kenangan Terindah

Aku yang lemah tanpamu

aku yang rentan karena

cinta yang telah hilang darimu

yang mampu menyanjungku

selama mata terbuka

sampai jantung tak berdetak

selama itu pun

aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

darimu kutemukan hidupku

bagiku kau lah cinta sejati

bila yang tertulis untukku

adalah yang terbaik untukmu

kan kujadikan kau kenangan

yang terindah dalam hidupku

namun takkan mudah bagiku

meninggalkan jejak hidupku

yang telah terukir abadi

sebagai kenangan yang terindah

of bleeding love

It doesn't matter who you like and who you love, you just follow your instinct and heart. And who could have explain love?

Love is.

When you try to be the better person than you were before. When you feel that every bit of your existence matters. When every drop of your sweat and blood appreciated. When you live and breathe happiness. When your heart feels like bursting with emotion. All that make you content.

You fight for love.

But there was a time when you just have to admit defeat. And you stop crying.

Only time can help and heal me again.

of healing

I can't believe that I'm going through this again after so long. I am tough, independent, hard and strong. I could do anything or go anywhere I want to but here I am writing, again, to heal.

It feels like a strong force just ripped my heart apart and left me bleeding, wounded. This is not fair. Decision was made for me and now I have duct tapes all over again.

All my being suddenly flew out of me. The things I want to do I can't do. Everything is so fucking cold and gloomy just like the weather.

I can't smile.

Lemah, that's the right word. The pain is so sharp I can't even describe it. I just need to pick up the pieces and let go. Damn! It hurts.

It was one of the happiest moments in my life. Though it happened at the wrong time, I will treasure it and she would always have a piece of my heart.

of heartbreak

I used to love this song so very much. One of my most treasured songs because it brings out all sort of emotions. The feelings just flow and I would love to hate it but I just can't.

This was our song. Even after I got dumped by her, it will always have a special place in my heart.

Breathe Me
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

of raya and fire

aahhh sod it! I had written quite a long entry about raya and fireworks only to find them missing from my drafts. I'm not bothered to rewrite. Instead, here are some photos of the fireworks display we had set off during Raya and etc.

Salam Aidil Fitri

In just a few more days, we will be celebrating Hari Raya. This is the 4th time I'm celebrating it in London, but I think this would also be one of the nicest ones for a number of reasons.

I used to just take Eid as it is and usually work on that day, but now I could feel the atmosphere and all the excitement surrounding it. Alhamdulillah I managed to go to terawih after so many years I didn't attend albeit it was only just a couple of nights. Someone told me that the ustaz at Malaysia Hall even had the photo of us (me being so very visible) on his blog.

Someone special to me is also coming to spend a few days during Eid and I do look forward to it. Even though being a non Muslim, that person has been encouraging me to fast knowing me well that I might not fast on some days.

And most of all, I am looking forward to open houses just so I could eat all the wonderful Malaysian food.

To my friends Muslim and Non-Muslim from all over the world, I wish you Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin. Please forgive and forget if I have unknowingly hurt your feelings or done you wrong.

Can't Hold Back

I didn't realise it was already more than a month since my last post. I guess there's a lot of things going in my life.

I'm still alive and I feel alive. I stop being so hard on myself after I realised that only I can make myself happy. Take That said that my time is coming and told me not to be late :)

It's funny weird how things turned out to be. I didn't plan to go and she didn't either, but fate intervened. We met, got a little distracted with each other and now we can't seem to stop chatting every night.

These days I found that sometimes sleep deprivation is good for the soul. But please remind me I said that when I becomes cranky during the day!

I like the fact that I look forward to reading the texts in the morning and talking on messenger the last thing at night.

of expensive walls

It seems like life is taking over.

No more mundane things. It's all extraordinary.

Sometimes when I was in my old shoes, I cannot take a step further than I want to. There are certain boundaries that I have to observe. More like living behind walls, except these walls are somehow self-made.

Do you remember when Berlin Wall came tumbling down in 1989? Bit by bit people chipped away the wall. To be free at last.

My walls are coming down. I think the west side is completely knocked down and I'm currently trying to find my courage to bring down the east side.

I don't know what the reaction from easterners yet. Maybe I'll never find out. That would be scary. At what price am I paying this?

of your little sister

Dear Aci,

I know you are quite busy most of the times, but I wanted to tell you something. Only that I'm not sure how to bring it up. It's hard for me though because I am quite a private and reserved person.

I think it could be due to several reasons and upbringing is certainly one of them. We hardly ever talked heart to heart, and when I was a kid, you were not around much anyway. But somehow when I get older or more accurately, when I became an adult, it is slightly easier to tell you things even though there are some that I keep hidden.

Over the last few years, I have written most of my thoughts on the internet. Quite a lot of them are about my anguish, anger, frustration and struggles, and everything else that tickled my fancy when I was growing up.

It is sort of therapy. And I needed that to help me find myself. I was lost. Sort of don't know who I was, and what I wanted in life. In other words I was miserable and restless. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not.

Maybe when I'm ready and you are too, then I will tell you my big secret. I am not good with conversation. If we talked, I would have cried and become emotional, and you would be the same. I'm not good with emotional struggles but I can write and I hope in time, you would understand.

One day at a time, I will let you read my thoughts on my blog. I started writing since 2004, but please don't mention this to Na or even your boys just in case they google me and find it. I'm not ready for them yet, but I am slowly getting used to the idea of you reading them. Plus, it has adult content anyway. Things that some people wouldn't even begin to imagine.

You are my only sister and I love you so much. I don't want you to worry. I am not in any kind of trouble. All I want is to be able to talk to you freely. I want us to have a closer relationship and be more like friends, but I am scared.

I'm not sure if you would understand. I am scared that you'd be judgmental because honestly I don't need that. I had enough on my plate anyway. All I want is understanding and love. I want people to love me for who I am. I certainly hope so, especially you.

So this is the beginning.

of poison dart frog

Some people are born to be destructive. Some are born to educate. Some are born to offer love. And some are born to be selfish.

It seems like in at least one of our veins, there's some sort of catalyst poison lurking around. That one evil streak. Jealousy. Naughty. Rude. Gothic. Think we are better than the other.

Are you really?

I hate people who preach like they know better. Why do some like to insist that their views, their ideas, their way of thinking are the right way?

Excuse me? Who are you again?

of smoky bandit

Officially, England has gone smoke-free.

And here I was, sending a message to TTG to bring me more Dunhill Light. I can't even smoke in the pub or enclosed public places anymore. I plead my innocent. I smoke only when I'm happy, which is not too often (please believe me) ;)

Other people smoke when they have nothing to do or when they are depressed. Not me, no sire! If I was then I would have killed someone in the last 2 years. You'd probably wouldn't notice me behind the smoke. I would be dead by now.

But I am a little confused. Bus stop is not an enclosed place but we can't smoke there since it's substantially enclosed whatever. My question is, can I smoke while I was walking? Or can I smoke at the park? After all, parks are public areas. What about smoking under an awning or something like that? I read the rules about roof and stuffs but I don't think I would ever understand the legal language, but I do know one thing. I do not want to pay £50 for the fine!

With the smoking banned, the biggest pick up line ever would also get written off from history. When you fancy someone in a club or pub, you can't even ask for light anymore!

of gay and gesture

"Even though we've come a long way, gays and lesbians are still fired from their jobs, beaten in the streets and the brunt of cruel jokes. Some people think an abomination, but we think we're just fine. Gay Pride is our day to say we're here, we're proud of who we are. We're celebrating ourselves, no matter what the rest of you think" -Katie Belge-

I need sleep.

It's funny how I used to say I could relax during the weekend now that I just work on weekdays. I was kidding. It was more tiring than working. Having fun is exhausting. But I am not complaining, honest.

Saturday saw me at the Pride parade. I went later than I planned to so I missed quite a bit, but it was very encouraging to see so many people out there bracing the rain and all. I was drenched but do I care?

Even an ice cream van was in the parade. How cool was that?

London is a very gay friendly city. Everywhere on the streets of Soho they had parties, DJs, rally and cabaret. Soho Square turned into British Airways Square for the day with lots music and stuffs. It has been 35 years since the first pride, and they do come a long way to fight for respect and equality.

Later that night, after my friends left, I didn't feel like going home just yet so I hang around Old Compton Street, watched people and smoked the last few cigarettes before smoke-free England begins.

There, I met Scott and Chris from Milton Keynes, having a drink outside a pub. They were really funny especially Scott, and we learned a few things about each other. At one point Scott grabbed hold of a stack of the Pride magazines left at the dump. He gave us 5 copies each to try and give it away to passersby as quickly as we could.

It was in the middle of the night and drizzling so people dodged us left and right. It became a mission who could finish their copies first. It was hilarious because people thought we were drunk and crazy. We only wanted to give the mags away so we were pretty harmless, really.

Chris just stood there whereas Scott and I were running around giving it away. In the end, it was a tie between Scott and I since we got rid of them at about the same time. Chris was still holding all of his. It was almost midnight when I left and when I got home I just went to sleep straight away.

On Sunday I woke up feeling a lot sober but I just stayed in bed trying to read and watch some telly. I think I didn't remember what I watched anyway.

Later that afternoon, I went to Stratford because the Poles threw me a dinner party. I met TCG BF for the first time since The Candle Girl got together with him 2 weeks ago. She said he was my birthday present and I could use him for 1 hour, any way I want. LOL.

Dinner was simple but delicious. I know they hardly cook at home but I was touched by the gesture. They don't really have to do it and it was nice to know that some friends will go to a distance for you. When they sent me to the bus stop, Marc started singing 'The Jolly Good Fella' and everyone else joined in. We were walking hands on shoulders and when we had to cross the street, we put on a show like an Irish riverdance to the traffics. It was fantastic!

When I got home it was 2am. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

will I ever?

How often do you think that you know someone and then suddenly they uncovered themselves, and shook the whole world? Your little world anyway.

Probably not too often.

Lately, I have trouble being honest. Truth be told, I am quite big on honesty but this is like I spit on my own face? No? Ok. Maybe that's the wrong phrase. I'm not the effing Queen, you know.

I have been living in lies and deception. It is so hard not being able to talk about my fascination, the object of desire, the sexcapades (as if!) and the inner feelings. It feels like if I'm hiding this part of myself I'm hiding the best part of me.

What would happen if my sister found out the truth? Would I be cast aside? Abandon like a forgotten history. I asked myself, "Dare I risk it?"

Who am I kidding?

My silliness has come back. Five folds. In the middle of the night, I said the name and lie panting. Crush? So juvenile.

of logics and stuff

The Mentor always offers the best and logical insights anyone could give. Trust me.


The reason for the existence of this blog is to document my journey towards self discovery. Today, since it was very quiet in the store, I managed to read all of my previous entries. Blimey! That's a lot of stuff I tell ya.


The issues I had with my father, the grief for my mother, the relationship with my family, my career choice, the healing process, the self-acceptance and etc etc.

These issues won't go away unless I tackle them head on. One at a time. And I am not afraid to say that I have lots of weaknesses, and I am not a strong person. I need all the help I can to get through, something that I'm doing slowly at my own pace.

All these make up the person that I am. I have to be honest, with myself, with my family and with my friends. I realised that all these while, I'm collecting bits of pieces of me that was scattered everywhere. I found them here and there. The pieces that will complete me.

It's not like I'm spilling any secrets that will get me signed to publish a memoir and make me an instant millionaire nor do I have a hidden sex tape somewhere.


Do you think that 10 years or even 25 years down the line this blog will still exist? I would love to look back and read all the zigs zags and bums I encounter while documenting my life.


Some of what I wrote in the beginning still apply but somehow the tone of this blog has shifted a little to mark the changes in me. I am a lot happier and at peace. And no one can take this feeling away from me.

of banging and celebration with a bang!

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I had a early celebration on the weekend, and it will continue until the next weekend and the weekend after. Wow! What a fantastic start. I only get to be, er, 33 once.

Though I'm done with the ice cream co., The Mentor was very generous enough to get me tickets for a weekend concert by HRC. And me being cheeky managed to persuade my former colleague to get me staff passes at the last minute. The truth is I didn't just go to enjoy myself, I did help out for a while. Didn't I?

On Saturday morning, I rang Marc and asked him to join me at Hyde Park. There were like maybe 15 bands playing throughout the day but honest to God, I had no idea who they are except for The Feeling, which is great cos I love their songs. The biggest and the last act for the night was Peter Gabriel, and I don't know who he is. LOL. The Mentor's entourage just rolled their eyes when they learn what load of rubbish I was. Hehe.

For Sunday, I do know Aerosmith, but if you want to know, that's only the only band I recognise. And both of us only knew maybe just 3 songs out of the many that Steven Tyler belted out. LOL.

There were abundant of foods though and Marc and I had so many glasses of fancy smancy cocktails we never heard before. What a weekend! And more celebration to come.

Next Saturday is the Pride London, which I wanted to volunteer for but in the end I decided that I'm just gonna go and enjoy it with some friends I met at LF. Now I'm in dilemma since Marc and the others want to do something else on that Saturday. Then, there's an invitation to go to Norwich for the weekend. Dang! Choices choices.

Tonight we are having a big dinner party at the Holiday Villa. If you're in the area, come and wish me Happy Birthday. Hehehe.

new age

At the end of last month, my eldest nephew turned 17. Gosh! He’s all grown up. He’s even talking about getting his driver’s licence already!

Where has the time flies? I remember when he was only ten and me cuddling him. Since he is the first grandchild my mom used to spoil him. I think we all did, but thank goodness he is not a brat. He is quite a responsible young man.

My own birthday is coming up very soon. I don’t celebrate birthday except when I was with good friends. What’s the point of celebrating alone, eh? My brother's son and daughter are also celebrating their birthdays at about the same time. One of them is a day before me and the other is a day after.

You know, I used to be scared when I saw the numbers going up. Now when I read about people getting nervous about being in their 30s, I find it quite er, funny.

Ok. Here’s something to ponder. Theoretically, I should say that I am 32 going to be 33. However, when we were born, people didn’t say that we are zero. Only when we completed a year then they say we are one. So technically, tomorrow, I would have lived for 33 years, and working towards becoming 34 the following day.

In a matter of 3 days, I go from being 32 to 33 to 34. We are actually 2 years older than we think! Hahaha… What load of rubbish! But it does make sense, right?

I’m fine with my age.

Er.. Maybe I won’t be able to say the same when I hit 40, but heck! That’s seven years from now, oh wait! Is it 6 years? WTF? Let’s not go there.

silly

Silly silly silly.

How to deal with silliness?

of a sister and a rockstar

To be honest, after cycling to work for the past 3 days I'm tired. My body is aching. I woke up late almost every morning. Dang! I am so out of shape.

Mmm.. isn't it a great wonder that we always whine about anything and everything? Heheh... I'm sure once I got back into the rhythm I'd be ok. (I'm trying to psyche myself up)

When I was young I always thought that I would one day become a corporate person. Work on the 25th floor, have my own office and always have people doing my biddings.

Kwang kwang kwang…

What was I thinking? Thank God that dream didn’t come true. I think I’d commit myself to a madhouse if it did happen. I realised that that's not for me. I could never be that person. I was chided by a few relatives when I quit my slightly cushy job in Msia. They told me what a huge mistake I made.

If I stayed behind I'd probably feel depressed by it all. Thank goodness for my sister who always let me decide for myself. I know sometimes she doesn't understand me but at least she doesn't criticise the things I do. She takes me as I am and that's the best thing about her. I think my mom would do the same if she was still around. I know there are issues that I have to work out, but at least I am quite happy with how things turn out to be.

Isn’t it easier to be a cat? If I had nine lives, I wanna be;

1. skinny woman who can eat anything and everything with no weight problem whatsoever
2. adventurous cat who love mountains and lives in Colorado Springs so I could enjoy sunset and sunrise any time
3. fabulous rockstar who gets all the gorgeous ladies
4. flower that never die and blooms every spring and make everyone smiles
5. sexy vampire who is content with small things she had and a loved one, and not having to drink blood

Mmmm… I would have to think of the other 4 lives. What it’s gonna be, huh?

tra.. lala..lala..

I bought a new bike... yeeehaaaa...

Don't ask me how much I spent on it, plus all the accessories, but it's enough to put a huge dent in my pocket. The lock itself costs me a bomb but I don't mind. I like.

I went to carboot sales, looked up in gumtree and ebay, but in the end I know deep down I prefer to get a new one. Urrggh.. you must think that I am shallow, but heck, to each her own.

Here's to a good summer! Cheers!

of heartbreak hotel

Back in the days when I first ran away from heartbreak, I bled like nobody’s business. I didn’t know it could hurt so much. I didn’t know it was going to make me numb and shut me off from everything that I was familiar with.

I thought how could this be? I didn’t even know I was in love. I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone so much that I felt I wanted to die when things turned sour.

Well, sour is an understatement. I hit rock bottom. How many times during the nights I cried myself to sleep? How many times I was furious with myself for being such a complete idiot? How many times I felt the knife went deeper every times I saw the other person pulled away from me?

I hated myself for being so vulnerable.

My heart was red and swollen. I had no other way but to drown myself in a different direction. How could I begin to tell you that I ached so badly that my heart had duct tapes all over it?

I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to be loved. If I could love someone unconditionally, why couldn’t someone love me back? Is it too much to ask?

I heal over time, and I rejoice for a while after I come up to the surface. But when I think I’m ready to start over and find a person who could love me as I am, I am scared. Where do I begin? Where do I find love, or does love comes looking for me? Clueless is what I am.

When a friend found out that her partner cheated on her, I told her to re-invent herself. Easy to say, eh? Now how do I do that to myself? Where do I go to find all the people who would find me attractive and interesting to date?

Wait! Now that I know who my type is, do I really want to date, or do I want to go straight to bed? LOL. That would be fascinating!

of a softie and a bouncer

I officially began my new life as a full time staff at an internet café last Wednesday. It’s not really an exciting job, but it pays the bills. I work long hours, but then again even with my previous company I work even longer hours and sometimes I was not at home for days.

I guess this one is okay. No fancy title to define who I am. No big salary or a beemer to show off. No expensive dresses or gadget to match.

To be honest, I asked myself, do I really care? Does it bother me that I don’t have all these? Imagine when I go home to Malaysia and people would be asking,

“So what do you do in London?”

“I work at internet café”

“Really? You mean you have an internet café?”

“No. I’m the bouncer”

“Oh!”

Ah well.

I am the bouncer, really. I have thrown a few people out of my store. You see, 3 teenagers came to the store almost every day. One day I caught them in the area that was closed so I threw them out. This week they came again, and I suspected that they were hacking into the system.

I confronted them. Me short fat woman, them big tall boys. I am not the confrontational type. Never. I walk from an argument and even if I tried, I’d lose big time. My hands were shaking and my voice trembled. They made it worse when one of them challenged me. I called 999. Well, I didn’t really call the police, but I pretended that I did.

A lot of things had happened since I work here. Some are good, some bad. The bad ones make me wish that I never changed my job, but I guess it’s the harsh and hard reality of life that one has to face.

I am simple yet complicated. The softie me will have to toughen up. And I guess it’s about time to discover and re-discover.

damn thief!

I am pissed off! Somehow, someone managed to disrupt my contented life.

You see, I was looking forward to a new job somewhere locally so that I can cycle to work. My two-years old bike was still good looking and in great condition. I had an old lock but I bought new chain lock that require combination just so I could park it on the street without having to worry.

I wired a pedometer to calculate the distance, time and speed when I cycle. I added new front and rear lights and put a drink holder for my convenience.

I even kept it in the hallway of my building.

All for nothing.

Some fucker managed to get inside and stole it right under my nose.

I know it's only a bike but it's £200 gone!

of love and path

Today I am honoured to be among the families to celebrate their official wedding ceremony. They finally come out. (mmm.. that sounds very familiar)

She was the most gorgeous bride and he was looking rather handsome. Together they are beautiful. I had to hold back my tears when I looked at them.

I could not imagine how it was to keep a secret for years. Yet, now I could and I understand because I'd be living a similar life and keeping a secret myself.

She knows me well. Our paths are parallel.

To The Mentor and her groom, may God bless you and give you all the happiness in the world.



I love you.

what makes you you

Found out my new boss has a blog and he was too happy to let me know about it. However, there's no way I'm telling him about mine.

He had this on it, and I quite like the phrases.


The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you have anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish and having ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are frank and honest, people may cheat you. Be frank and honest anyway.

If you are successful, you may win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may try to destroy overnight. Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it's between you and God. It was never between you and THEM anyway.

three

3 weeks to live double lives.

3 weeks of being a juggler.

3 weeks of madness.

3 weeks of being a liar.

3 weeks of cheating.

3 weeks to make as much as one can.

3 weeks to liberation.

3 weeks to being sane.

3 weeks to start cycling.

3 weeks to leave.

3 weeks to stay.

3 weeks of driving.

Only 3 more weeks!

of war and truth

When I started blogging, I was in an angry, restless and confused state. Maybe my words were not too harsh, and I wasn't too bitchy, but I was angry nonetheless.

I wasn't happy with a lot of things, but most of all, wasn't happy with myself. I needed an outlet. And truth be told, blogging never ceased to amaze me and it didn't disappoint me either. Sometimes I had so much to tell, but couldn't find the words to write. So, they dissappear into the air. And some things are better kept to myself.

I had one before this titled FTBB with a real picture of skulls and destruction and that reflected what I was going through at that time. I was in a war.

Then I closed that chapter because I didn't know what I was fighting for.

Even when I started this one, I wasn't really sure of the title. I thought it was kinda corny, and it reflected only some parts of me. I didn't know where exactly I stand. In between what? Two countries? Two feelings? Two football clubs? Two choices? Two loves? What worlds?

The truth was that I wasn't sure about everything. Full stop.

But I realised the title says it all. I was in between. Now I'm on the other side.

of moving on

I said before that I have less and less ice cream to share.

As of mid May (wishful thinking) I will not have any left.

I loved the old company. I love The Mentor, and being the nicest person I had ever met, it's natural that I am going to miss her so damn much. Also, I am going to miss all the whinging and gossips, and the late evening phone calls chatting for hours about everything and nothing.

I am going to miss the creamy Belgian Double Chocolate and Dark Roast Coffee that gives the same kick as any Starbucks drinks. I will miss the green country sights and the beautiful dales that sooth me every time I see them.

What I won't miss is the knackered ice cream vans. And I'm not going to miss the long morning drive to Newcastle or Cornwall and be back on the same night. I will not miss the angry clients, and the less supportive colleagues.

It has been a very long and tiring but interesting journey. But some thing has to end somewhere.

Things happen for a reason

Since I last post an entry, there have been quite a lot of things that happened to me and my humdrum routine.

I could say that I had been fighting a lot. Literally. The changes that I'm going through are quite exhilarating and interesting. It's just another adventure. The last one was quite a shaky experience. This time it's a lifestyle. One that I'm sure of.

The beginning was quite frightening, I kid you not. It was as if I lived through madness and hell. Something that I wish I do not have to go through again. It's exhausting and very unpleasant. Yet, if I had to do it all over again, I'd pray for a shorter and quicker route to get to where I am today.

Forever I would be grateful to the people who have been supporting me. I could never asked for better friends than them lot. They show me the utmost understanding that overwhelmed every little doubt I had. They gave me the power not to be afraid anymore. They give me confidence to live, and they show me kindness to be happy.

I haven't changed. Yet, I have changed.

Changes. I love the word. It meant a lot to me. When you have been in a limbo like I had, you'd appreciate the little things that changed you. The big thing would take you by force. It's either you survive it, or die trying.

I have survived and accepted it. And I have adjusted it to suit myself.

What I want now is peace. What I need now is friendship. And what I desire now you can't imagine.

I AM MUSLIM

After the long wait for her book, I finally got a signed copy from DZ.

It was kind of TTG to bring it with her, and we really wish that you and Lily were here with us so we could get loose in London. Imagine 4 beautiful women together, we'd create a riot!

I'm proud of you my friend. Sad though cos I wasn't there to attend the launch but from what I heard and read I'm glad it was really 'happening' and a success. Next year for IAM2, I don't care one, I don't want to be left out again.

Thank you babe! For the mention in the book. Now all I have to do is wait for the orders. Hahaha...

For those who hasn't got a copy of DZ's book, what the heck are you waiting for? Go get one. Now!

dis...

It seems like this blog has almost run its course. I am thinking maybe it's time to let it go, for ever. I love blogging, but am not sure this is what I want anymore.

Some of my friends have discontinued theirs. I have nothing else to write, no stories to tell, and less and less ice cream to share.

I'll think about it.

Yahoooooooooooooooo!!!

aaaa.. ahaaaa
Dancing in the dark middle of the night
Taking your heart and holding it tight
Emotional touch touching my skin
And asking you to do
what you've been doing all over again

Ohh...
it's a beautiful thing
don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know
what it is that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Ohhh... it's your love

Better than I was, more than I am
And all of this happened by taking your hand
And who I am now is who I wanted to be
And now that we're together,
I'm stronger than ever I'm happy and free

Ohhh... it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
If you asked me why I've changed,
All I gotta do is say your sweet name

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Ohhh.. it's your love

Ohhh... it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know what it is
that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't let go
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under,
Ohhh... it's your love
It's your love, it's your love, it's your love


Before you ask, no, no and no. I am not in love. But I am glad and feel like screaming for all the things that happened to me recently. I feel like telling the whole world about what I have found in myself, but I can't.

It's enough to say that I finally accept me for who I am. I am no longer searching for the lost soul. For years I was confused and depressed. I was scared and ashamed to dig deeper but in the last few weeks I have found the missing puzzle. I pieced them together and suddenly it became very clear. Crystal! It was there all along but I never saw it.

And my God, look at what it does to me! I am so happy and free that I couldn't stop this bubbling crazy feeling inside me. I feel like suddenly I have wings and could fly to wherever. Well, you could say that I'm in love with myself.

Hahahaha... 2007 will be good, I hope.

Bad Case of Resentment

Mmm... I'm going through a weird motion and I'm a little stress. It's just something that I can't talk about or express openly. Maybe one day I can.

A friend of mine Marc got a new job, and while I am happy for him, I do feel slightly jealous of him. But not enough for him to notice it. I may envy him a little, but he deserves it because he works hard to be where he is today. He actually put me to shame, therefore now I'm trying all out to send my CV and find a local job.

However, there is another girl Agy, who upon finding out that he got a new and better job, shows obvious resentment. The look on her face just suddenly changed and according to Marc her stare could kill someone. I know the kind of cold treatment she was giving Marc, and I feel for Marc because it wasn't even his fault.

Marc is a very friendly and cheerful person. He does have a lot of friends and always out and about. Whenever I spoke to him, he's always out drinking with someone or at a party. He loves drinking but he couldn't hold his drinks that well. After a few glasses of wine, he's done. At one party, he couldn't even remember that he claimed he was Jesus coming to town to save the people. It was rather funny, and we joke about that a lot.

Agy on the other hand is kinda annoying. She keeps tab on her housemates, prying into their life and checking up on them like she's their mother or something. She normally stays at home after work and hardly goes out with friends. When The Candle Girl comes home late, Agy would be asking her where she go and stuff. And when they didn't tell her their plans, she would be furious and annoyed with them.

I told Marc that she has a bad case of resentment towards them. I'm no psychologist but I think she feels left out, and she desperately wanted to be included in their outing plans. I do however think that if you're genuine and honest, you should be happy for your friends.

In this case, I think it was some kind of race of who can get a new job first between the two of them. Maybe Marc didn't feel that way, but I know Agy does. When I met Marc last nite, we finally analyse and noticed the little hints here and there in everything she does. It comes to a point that both Marc and The CG didn't want to tell her of their plan to go to Valencia in case she wanted to tag along. She told them that they have to let her know next time they want to meet me because she she wants to join, but guess what? They didn't tell her about meeting me last night.

Ah well. Good food, good company. I had a great time.

Greasy Limelight

This evening I had a very bad craving. I wanted cucur udang so badly like as if I were pregnant or something. You know it's a craving that won't go away unless I do something about it. If I didn't make some, I'd be having the same craving for the next few days so off I went to Sainsbury's and bought the ingredients.

I am far from rajin but I'm so bad that when I want to eat something I would go to a distance to make it.

There I was sweating like hell in the kitchen mixing the flour and stuff. But boy was I in for a disappointment. It was way below par. The funny thing is I always knew that I'd never made good cucur udang like I had a few weeks ago at a tahlil at Msia Hall.

An Indonesian woman brought some, and me and The Black Widow really love it. It was absolutely delicious. How come whenever I tried to make some it would never came out the way I want? Is there any secret ingredients that I didn't know about?

It wasn't good, but I stuffed myself with the lot of them anyway until I felt like puking from all the greasy snacks. Eeewwww!

Oh... At this moment, there's a show on telly 'Sun, Sea and Silicone' filmed in Penang about British women who want to do boob jobs. I dunno. Brits are weird. The young ones party hard, drink alcohol like water and go under the knife like it's a natural thing to do.

What disappoint me in that program was the GM of the hotel. I didn't catch the name of hotel, I think it's Park Royal or something but the GM is definitely 100% Malaysian. He claimed he had to check everything he requested for these women because if he didn't go into the room and check it himself, the staff wouldn't do it properly. The way he scolded his staff and told them not to lepak, yes he did say lepak, shows that he didn't trust them. Didn't he know how to delegate? And belittling everyone else? Come on, Mr De Silva, don't be too nasty, it's not nice. Not all Malaysians are lazy you know.

But then again, he probably wanted to be in the limelight. It is after all for a British television and him being a cheeky Malaysian wouldn't pass on that chance.

So there I was feeling sick with the fatty cucur udang swimming inside my stomach watching these girls having cosmetic surgeries in the homeland.

Dang! I gotta go on a diet, again.

hands off my baby!

The time has passed so fast it’s almost the end of February. Man!

I spoke to JackJack, or rather she baby-talked with me on the phone. Geramnya! Normally she would just hum to the phone, but this was the first time she actually wanted to talk. She turned two in December but oh how she’s grown in the last few months.

Talking about babies, CJ told me her plan to adopt but her hubby didn't agree to it. She was told that there’s someone in Narathiwat wanting to give away her child in return for RM8K. What comes to my mind is maybe the Thai mother lives in poverty, and in need of money to support the other family members.

But the truth is I don’t think she would be getting all the money. Anyone can guess that agent probably make more money out of this transaction. Let's say 1K is for the admin processing paperwork bla bla bla, the agent will take half of what's left and only then she gets the rest. For the poor the money might seem like a lot, but for me it seems like giving the child away for pittance. That bloody agent gets a lot for something he doesn’t deserve.

Ah well, what do I know? I don’t have children. I may not understand what the mother may be feeling. But I do know that there is no way for me to pay just 3K for a baby. Not the right price for a fortune we call life. And I cannot imagine being separated from my own child :(

Wholesome

This is a perfect title for today’s entry. I haven’t been feeling quite well, and I haven’t been complaining much about the people around me for quite some times. I guess nothing really exciting about the life I have. Social life is hardly thrilling, and love life is nonexistent.

I do, however, like to mengadu and merajuk about something. Alaaa… dah takde sapa nak mengadu to, so I have to write in my ever faithful blog.

I wonder why the hell can’t people just live peacefully, be thoughtful and happy for one another. Or the least they could do is mind their own business. That way everyone could be assured of a little privacy.

What I want to say has been in the newspapers for the last few weeks. You know the Big Brother hoohaa? This is not really about racism, but it has the same underlying tone.

Hmmm… there’s one guy here who most of us here dislike because his holier than thou attitude. He likes belittling people. Well, now that I think more of it, it does seem like bullying too. There is not need to shame people of their background, existence or even for work they do. Name calling, back stabbing and two-faced bitching aren’t necessary and sometimes you have to know when to hold your tongue.

Every time I hear something comes out from his mouth, it’s all I this, I that. Dia lah paling bagus, dia lah paling hebat. Puuhhhhhhhh…

It hurts when someone told me what this guy called me behind my back. You know, these are the kind of people I ran away from. The people I don’t want to have contact with. Malaysia is full with them bigot. They don’t do what they say, and what they say hardly mean something. They like to exaggerate. Sometimes they just say it to get rid of you, geddit? Or maybe to kiss arse? Who knows?

As much as I want to disassociate myself with such humans, I can’t. We are complex yet intriguing. If it happens just once I can forgive them. Twice, it’s down to stupidity. More than that they are just thick. I might as well ignore them.

Shilpa said don’t dwell on it. Keep your dignity and move on. But you know what? Tonight I felt I lost my cool a little. I felt like smashing his face, or smash anything at all. I nearly break my mugs after I kicked the desk.

Why can’t we respect people for who they are and for what they believe? People have feelings too, man. After all, we are brothers and sisters. I don’t judge you for the color of your skin, or for the bank balance you have. Why should you?

Next time you hear whatever people say behind my back ie budak gemuk, bodoh sombong or whatever, I don’t want to know. They may say it as a joke, but would you be laughing if this is about you?

You Know I'm No Good

Last Friday I went out with The Candle Girl. You know just to kill time, and also to catch up on a few things. I’ve been friends with her for a few years now, and we chatted a lot but I haven’t talked to her about serious things for quite some times. You know, like things that matter to the heart?

I don’t have anyone here I could talk the way I do with CJ or PS. I wish they were here so that I can rant about my worries, about who I really am, what I really want and about my anguish. I guess The Candle Girl is the only one I am comfortable to talk about all this shit. It’s quite terrifying to open up and to bare all to someone you barely knew even if you know there’s a possibility that they could be good listeners. Like The Black Widow. I admit she is nice and a good friend, but I’m not sure if I can tell her all the things I’m going to confess here.

The Candle Girl and I used to walk down the canals in Skipton talking about our dreams and future. About what we want in life and how to get them. We would buy a bottle of Bacardi Twister and plastic glasses, and as we sipped our drinks, we would talk about our fears and doubts. How I relish that moment when I could pour my heart out and have someone listened and agreed or argued with me. Someone who would share my thoughts, but would not be afraid to stand her ground and tell me otherwise. It was good that we met again for coffee, just the two of us. We had some quality time to actually talk and ponder on things that we entrusted with each other.

The chat didn't revolve just around talks about our dreams or friends anymore. It went much deeper. Maybe I’m a cynic for so long. I’m different when it comes to friendship. The Candle Girl told me what I’ve known for a long time. I give out my trust so easily that I’d end up losing a part of myself. I’d lose faith in people. I know I’m hopeless. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to believe that most people are kind-hearted and of good-natured. I’m readily available to offer my friendship.

I dunno why. Could it be that I want people to want to be my friends? Could it be that I want to hang on to them so that I don’t have to face the real nasty people out there? Could it be that I was born with this traits? Could it be that I refuse to believe and just live in my own world? What? What am I?

Even I’m at loss with myself. Yet, when it comes to love or a lover, I’m the opposite extreme. I hold myself back so much so that I didn’t give love a chance. Not even to explore the possibilities and to grow into something that could engulf my whole life. Deep down, I’m just scared.

Can you see the pattern? I’m way too open when it comes to friendship, but I shot down a chance at love faster than a man can say hello.

I don’t even know if I want to publish this piece. CJ once said that if I ever fall in love I would give everything I have to him. Wholeheartedly. She said that I was so damn generous that I wouldn’t have the heart to refuse anything at all. I’ll be damned!

That ain’t good, innit? You should be able to reserve at least 10 or 20% of yourself. Maybe that is why I always put a stop before it gets any further. Because knowing myself I would give it all and wouldn’t be able to pull my brake. Because if I got under the spell and got my heart broken, I would just crumble. I would be so miserable that you just want to see the back of me.

Gosh! I’m just writing rubbish. I dunno if I’m sane or not. I can’t believe I’m spilling my guts out.

The thing is there’s a nice guy who likes me. Anyway, that’s what everyone is saying. And I like him. We’ve been out and about and we have kissed. The world did spin a little, but I dunno if I want more. I don’t even know if I want to pursue this or commit myself to a relationship.

Is he worth the pain that I’ll be having? Is he going to break my heart? Can I trust him not to lust after another woman? I cannot bear the thought.

Yes. I am very cynical. I truly believe that every man, and I mean every single one of them, no matter how much they say they love you, will eventually break your heart. That they will cheat on their woman sooner or later. It may not be tomorrow, but it will happen in maybe 5 years, or 30 years down the line.

There! I said it. Hah! I’m so terrible that I think Datuk K and Siti will only last 10 years. They’d be lucky to have 15 years together. You know, it's the woman of the moment. Or whatever.

I don’t know if any man can prove me wrong. My father scarred me. Just look at some of my college friends struggling with their marriage lives. Pretty scary I tell you. I always believe that men think with their dicks and they always will. It is, after all, lust taking over their brain. At one point, when I had my heart crushed I hated men. I think I still do, and I don’t trust them. No, not even one bit.

More problems to me then. I admit that I can be very jealous. For me it has to be exclusive or nothing at all. I don’t mind him bonding and going out with his mates as long as it’s not another woman he’s thinking of.

Though I admit there are some rare gems out there, but even they make me sceptical whether they are genuine or not. Whether they would change the direction of their boats when the strong wind blows.

So I put on my shield. Keep moving. Keep the distance. New adventures around the corners otherwise you’ll be in trouble. The truth is I am tender-hearted and very vulnerable. I would offer up my entire being - body, mind, heart and soul, and it would be just pure weakness on my part. I know it doesn’t have to be that way, but that’s how I am.

The Candle Girl asked what am I afraid of?

I dunno, my own heart, I think. That I would sell my soul to the devil.

“It’s the hurt, sweetie. You’re always scared of it.”

She was right, you know.

“You can’t run away from love just because you might get hurt.”

I know. Love hurt, but it also healed. And it was what mattered most in the world. Deep down I know that love was worth the risk but dare I take it? Like the love that my JackJack showed when she beamed up after she saw me and called me Mummy, and the warm flow that I felt in my veins when she wrapped her tiny fingers around me for a hug. I wish I could love a man like I love her unconditionally.

“You have to change.”

My dear friend, I dunno if I can. I wish I can just close my eyes and say this to the man of my dream, “Darling, I’m all yours. Take good care of me.”

How to Look Good Naked

Since the move, I haven’t had my broadband working properly but I’m not complaining. That’s the kind of service you get when things are free anyway.

Last night, I got an email from my casting agency after almost one year of silence. In their email, I was informed that they would like to submit my name for an audition for a program how to look good naked.

Yes. You heard me. Naked. As in N.A.K.E.D.

I laughed because I find it quite funny. I remember telling them that I’m not willing to go topless or bottomless. And they send me this?

They asked for my measurements, weight, height and that kind of stuff. After the holiday season, how could they expect me to be in the same size? Of course I put on weight. I went back home for heaven sake!

So what did I do? Nothing. I brushed it off as silly joke.

But this afternoon, I received a phone call from the agency. The girl I spoke too was very nice even though I turned down the offer to put my name forward. But she warmed me up and in the end she got me to tell her the stuffs.

Hahaha… Some people can be quite persistent, eh?

I’ve heard of the program but I just never watched it. So I dunno who, how, why or what they want people to do in it.

Ironic isn’t it? My friend Dina is promoting her book “I am Muslim”, but here I am talking about appearing naked on telly. Hehe...

Ah well, it’s only for an audition.

Oh by the way, on the way to the internet cafe I received another call from Heidi that they want a picture of me in plain black or white bra and knickers only.

Hahahahahaaaaa.... I'm gonna be a porn star!

of pain and paint

Last week, I had a little project going for me. I came back to the UK knowing that I’d be moving room.

The current one is near perfect and comes with a balcony for lazying around in the summer. However, one thing I could not stand is the leaking and water dripping from the ceiling. There’s a bathroom on the floor above me. No way I could endure that anymore!

I knew that the ground floor room would be vacant on last Wed, and it happens that I knew the boy who lived there so I kinda know the condition of the room. The walls were sorta dirty with ashes and black mark. They looked pretty rundown.

Yet, that didn’t stop me since I plan to paint them all over (with the management approval, of course). The manager told me that he could get Rarebit, the handyman at the block, but I’d rather DIY. First, because I could get it done quicker and second, I was very impatient.

Stopped at Wickes to get cans of paints and I was unable to make up my mind about the colors. I had enough of soft green, and I don’t fancy blue anymore. Not interested in red or purple though I like to have purple hair. After spending more than 2 hours, I decided to use tones to create some sort of depth in the room and finally got a can each of caramel and soft sand.

So, on both Thursday and Friday, I was busy going up and down the ladder. Sampai rasa macam nak tercabut lutut. Looking at the room now, I am very satisfied and happy that it looks the way I want.

Though, I was annoyed with one comment made by a Malay guy who saw me doing the walls. He said, and I quote, “Eh, pompuan pun boleh buat keje ni ke? Ingat kan lelaki je”

Huh?

Hello mister? Ish ish ish… You ingat ni zaman apa? Of course women can do these kind of things when we put our mind to it, except most of us sometimes chose not to. CJ, PS and I did it once when we lived in Bandar Baru Sentul, and as I remember, we had fun doing it.

I can’t imagine a man who lives in the UK saying that. Haven’t he seen any of the DIY home makeover programs on telly? The 60 Minutes Makeover has a lot of handywomen doing the dirty job and I’m sure there are a few other daytime programs.

This guy should at least open his mind to the surrounding. It’s quite embarrassing to be ignorant.

don't wait till she comes, go to her

What a nightmare!

I dunno why Blogger team makes us change to using Google account. I find it terribly annoying and troublesome because I failed to login every time I tried. I can do everything else as usual but that login thing certainly menyusahkan.

Imagine this: Whenever I want to log in, I had to create a new blog just so I could sign in to my blogger/google account. Gila!

Just like the previous years, I don't make a habit of having new year resolutions. I'm sure half the population make this commitment to themselves, yet most would be broken shortly after they were set. What's the point?

Once, I was convinced that having new year resolutions would set my priorities right. First, I would work hard to lose the fat that has been inside me for as long as I could remember. Sure, I was motivated. I workout everyday, and most of the time I would overdo it thinking that I could achieve my goal in short period of time.

Then I told myself I'd find another job. I convinced myself that I hated my current job and it didn't give any on the job orgasms. And I told myself I'd buy a house soon. Get my dream car. Build my business. So on.

Hummmpppp....

Some people have a simpler need. Get married, have a baby, be happy.

Soalan saya: Bahagiakah mereka?

Maybe. But that's not what I want. Just yet.

I tell myself life will be better when I switch jobs, when I have a nicer car, when I take a holiday, when I migrate to another country. Life is just about to start when I do all that.

I get frustrated because all that things happened but the obstacles are the same. I still have ordeals to go through, work to be finished and lots of bills to be paid. I realised these are life.
We create happiness along the way with all the little things that matter.

Stop waiting to lose that 10 pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening, for a new car, for summer, for Mr. Right. The time is now.

Though I wouldn't mind losing that 10 pounds!

photos of yesteryear

Leave the footprints, take the memories and keep your heart with you

Flowers at Hyde Park, Oxbridge Boat Race, Chilly spring at Tower Bridge
Up the Brighton booster, market place in Barcelona, mirror image at Catalunya
Colourful city of Krakow, riverview in Torun, pretty face of Nicholas

Happy New Year 2007

Without noticing it, the time flies very quickly. It's now 2007 and I think I did not accomplish anything of excellent achievement in 2006. What a waste!

A lot of things has taken toll on me. A lot of pressure and battles I have with myself that I do not know if they were any good. Mind, body and soul.

Blogging has also become the last thing I think of lately. I realised that I manage to put up only 5 posts over the last 2 months. Very disappointing for someone who used to post almost everyday in her old defunct blog.

Anyway, I will try to get rid of this laziness and maybe share more boring stories of my life.

I hope this year will bring more happiness and opportunity. Selamat Tahun Baru