of your little sister

Dear Aci,

I know you are quite busy most of the times, but I wanted to tell you something. Only that I'm not sure how to bring it up. It's hard for me though because I am quite a private and reserved person.

I think it could be due to several reasons and upbringing is certainly one of them. We hardly ever talked heart to heart, and when I was a kid, you were not around much anyway. But somehow when I get older or more accurately, when I became an adult, it is slightly easier to tell you things even though there are some that I keep hidden.

Over the last few years, I have written most of my thoughts on the internet. Quite a lot of them are about my anguish, anger, frustration and struggles, and everything else that tickled my fancy when I was growing up.

It is sort of therapy. And I needed that to help me find myself. I was lost. Sort of don't know who I was, and what I wanted in life. In other words I was miserable and restless. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not.

Maybe when I'm ready and you are too, then I will tell you my big secret. I am not good with conversation. If we talked, I would have cried and become emotional, and you would be the same. I'm not good with emotional struggles but I can write and I hope in time, you would understand.

One day at a time, I will let you read my thoughts on my blog. I started writing since 2004, but please don't mention this to Na or even your boys just in case they google me and find it. I'm not ready for them yet, but I am slowly getting used to the idea of you reading them. Plus, it has adult content anyway. Things that some people wouldn't even begin to imagine.

You are my only sister and I love you so much. I don't want you to worry. I am not in any kind of trouble. All I want is to be able to talk to you freely. I want us to have a closer relationship and be more like friends, but I am scared.

I'm not sure if you would understand. I am scared that you'd be judgmental because honestly I don't need that. I had enough on my plate anyway. All I want is understanding and love. I want people to love me for who I am. I certainly hope so, especially you.

So this is the beginning.