the day I wrote about a serious issue

It feels a little lonely to spend the festive season here instead of in Malaysia. But beggar can't be choosy, can she? :)

I hope everyone else is having a good time celebrating and I can't wait for 2008 to come. Thank God I was not caught in the madness of boxing day sales. It was never for me, and I had no intention to even step foot in Oxford Street at this time of the year. Mad!

Today I got a call from T who is having a problem with her boyfriend, asking if I could take her out. Since not much is happening I just took her to a girls club in Soho, with no intention of cruising or whatsover. We just wanted to unwind and relax and before the club closes we walked to another to find that most clubs are also closing as they're kinda dead anyway.

We ended up in a bar chatting and laughing away in a little corner when suddenly I found that we were surrounded by a bunch of men. They seem nice in the beginning but after a few minutes they started making innuendos that they wouldn't mind a threesome.

Initially, I find it funny and told them that I'm not interested in men and T told them that she too is a lesbian just to get them away. I got pissed off when these slimy, dodgy men were trying to convince me that I just haven't met the right man.

Excuse me? Which part of lesbianism that some people don't understand?

Let's be honest here. When people hear anything about lesbians, all they think about is sex. And it makes me even mad when people started wiggling the tongue. Gross! I dunno why but I got a vibe that that doesn't normally happen when it involves gay men. Unfortunately to us we have been portrayed as the sex maniacs or have become the butt of a joke or a pervert or something. Dang! If you are straight, look at the men or women around you now. Do you fancy them and want to sleep with all of them? No? Then what makes you think that I fancy all women I see?

The most important part that people need to understand is homosexuality is not all about sex. Most women find a special enjoyment being in the company of other women. There is more understanding on all levels; intellectual, emotional, sensual. Women understand what women mean when they talk, just as men understand men. Women relate to each other better than they do to men. If you take the sex part (and religious) out, it makes sense that two women would want to be together.

Let's face it, we (and when I say we I mean LGBT) did not choose this path or that we had the option of being gays, or not. Do you think that we enjoy and we want to be ostracised by the society? Do you think it's fun being alienated and live our lives the hard way? Having to hide our true self, being forced to lie, being harassed, oppressed and discriminated against? Trust me, no one wants that kind of life. Definitely not me.

You know the stories you read in the tabloid lately about young women with many lesbian lovers and runaway lesbians are just stories. Some of them are kids who do not know what it means to be gay. They are still 'budak hingusan' and rebels. Because of the social stigma attached to homosexuality, most parents try to point fingers at someone when their daughters 'turned out' that way. They blamed their daughters' lesbian friends or tv programs for the negative influence. Look. Just step back a little, listen and learn. Don't shut them out. Nothing good will ever came out if people started pointing fingers at each other.

And get real! It's neither a trend nor a phase.

If after reading this you think that I am brave, bold, adventurous and independent, think again. I am a chicken shit. Just like the rest of other people, I am the same person since I was born, the same person that my parents raised and the same just as before I come out.

The truth is I and I can say that most of us are scared that if we come out of the closet we will lose the love of the most important people in our lives, our parents and families. All we ever wanted to know is that we are still loved no matter who we are or what sexual orientation we have. Nothing more, nothing less.

And today, the 12th year since my mother passed away, I need to reaffirm my own belief that my mother and father would still love me if they had known the truth.