Last Friday I went out with The Candle Girl. You know just to kill time, and also to catch up on a few things. I’ve been friends with her for a few years now, and we chatted a lot but I haven’t talked to her about serious things for quite some times. You know, like things that matter to the heart?
I don’t have anyone here I could talk the way I do with CJ or PS. I wish they were here so that I can rant about my worries, about who I really am, what I really want and about my anguish. I guess The Candle Girl is the only one I am comfortable to talk about all this shit. It’s quite terrifying to open up and to bare all to someone you barely knew even if you know there’s a possibility that they could be good listeners. Like The Black Widow. I admit she is nice and a good friend, but I’m not sure if I can tell her all the things I’m going to confess here.
The Candle Girl and I used to walk down the canals in Skipton talking about our dreams and future. About what we want in life and how to get them. We would buy a bottle of Bacardi Twister and plastic glasses, and as we sipped our drinks, we would talk about our fears and doubts. How I relish that moment when I could pour my heart out and have someone listened and agreed or argued with me. Someone who would share my thoughts, but would not be afraid to stand her ground and tell me otherwise. It was good that we met again for coffee, just the two of us. We had some quality time to actually talk and ponder on things that we entrusted with each other.
The chat didn't revolve just around talks about our dreams or friends anymore. It went much deeper. Maybe I’m a cynic for so long. I’m different when it comes to friendship. The Candle Girl told me what I’ve known for a long time. I give out my trust so easily that I’d end up losing a part of myself. I’d lose faith in people. I know I’m hopeless. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to believe that most people are kind-hearted and of good-natured. I’m readily available to offer my friendship.
I dunno why. Could it be that I want people to want to be my friends? Could it be that I want to hang on to them so that I don’t have to face the real nasty people out there? Could it be that I was born with this traits? Could it be that I refuse to believe and just live in my own world? What? What am I?
Even I’m at loss with myself. Yet, when it comes to love or a lover, I’m the opposite extreme. I hold myself back so much so that I didn’t give love a chance. Not even to explore the possibilities and to grow into something that could engulf my whole life. Deep down, I’m just scared.
Can you see the pattern? I’m way too open when it comes to friendship, but I shot down a chance at love faster than a man can say hello.
I don’t even know if I want to publish this piece. CJ once said that if I ever fall in love I would give everything I have to him. Wholeheartedly. She said that I was so damn generous that I wouldn’t have the heart to refuse anything at all. I’ll be damned!
That ain’t good, innit? You should be able to reserve at least 10 or 20% of yourself. Maybe that is why I always put a stop before it gets any further. Because knowing myself I would give it all and wouldn’t be able to pull my brake. Because if I got under the spell and got my heart broken, I would just crumble. I would be so miserable that you just want to see the back of me.
Gosh! I’m just writing rubbish. I dunno if I’m sane or not. I can’t believe I’m spilling my guts out.
The thing is there’s a nice guy who likes me. Anyway, that’s what everyone is saying. And I like him. We’ve been out and about and we have kissed. The world did spin a little, but I dunno if I want more. I don’t even know if I want to pursue this or commit myself to a relationship.
Is he worth the pain that I’ll be having? Is he going to break my heart? Can I trust him not to lust after another woman? I cannot bear the thought.
Yes. I am very cynical. I truly believe that every man, and I mean every single one of them, no matter how much they say they love you, will eventually break your heart. That they will cheat on their woman sooner or later. It may not be tomorrow, but it will happen in maybe 5 years, or 30 years down the line.
There! I said it. Hah! I’m so terrible that I think Datuk K and Siti will only last 10 years. They’d be lucky to have 15 years together. You know, it's the woman of the moment. Or whatever.
I don’t know if any man can prove me wrong. My father scarred me. Just look at some of my college friends struggling with their marriage lives. Pretty scary I tell you. I always believe that men think with their dicks and they always will. It is, after all, lust taking over their brain. At one point, when I had my heart crushed I hated men. I think I still do, and I don’t trust them. No, not even one bit.
More problems to me then. I admit that I can be very jealous. For me it has to be exclusive or nothing at all. I don’t mind him bonding and going out with his mates as long as it’s not another woman he’s thinking of.
Though I admit there are some rare gems out there, but even they make me sceptical whether they are genuine or not. Whether they would change the direction of their boats when the strong wind blows.
So I put on my shield. Keep moving. Keep the distance. New adventures around the corners otherwise you’ll be in trouble. The truth is I am tender-hearted and very vulnerable. I would offer up my entire being - body, mind, heart and soul, and it would be just pure weakness on my part. I know it doesn’t have to be that way, but that’s how I am.
The Candle Girl asked what am I afraid of?
I dunno, my own heart, I think. That I would sell my soul to the devil.
“It’s the hurt, sweetie. You’re always scared of it.”
She was right, you know.
“You can’t run away from love just because you might get hurt.”
I know. Love hurt, but it also healed. And it was what mattered most in the world. Deep down I know that love was worth the risk but dare I take it? Like the love that my JackJack showed when she beamed up after she saw me and called me Mummy, and the warm flow that I felt in my veins when she wrapped her tiny fingers around me for a hug. I wish I could love a man like I love her unconditionally.
“You have to change.”
My dear friend, I dunno if I can. I wish I can just close my eyes and say this to the man of my dream, “Darling, I’m all yours. Take good care of me.”
No comments:
Post a Comment