Everyday, for the last few nights, I had difficulty in sleeping. I was lying on the bed, turning left and right, sometimes for hours with my eyes wide open. Last night, I slept at 5:30am. The night before, it was almost 4am before I went to slumberland.
There must be something wrong. Or something that I worry about. Except that I dunno what it is.
When I was younger, I used to have a lot of suicidal thoughts. Thinking about the many different ways to end my life. I felt I was not up to the par. It was like my existence was not worth a dime, and I was just another faceless figure. I could have saved the space in the school yearbook. I drifted apart, just by being on my own.
What do they have that I don't have?
Look. Brain. Curve. Style. Boyfriend. Confidence. Love. Money. Car. Personality. Attitude. Sparks. Self-esteem. The lists can go on and on. I never knew how to get them.
At school, I was a bully. Ah well, not really. But we have a gang and we called ourselves Mizz Kids after the tv series The Whizz Kids. There were 5 of us, KL, N, A, S and me. Each of us even had a badge and membership card with our pseudo names. And of course we were not the popular ones in school, or else why do we need a gang for?
We were insecure and needed attention but we were low on self-esteem. We were loud, we trashed things, we bullied the juniors and we sucked up to the teachers. All of us had problems at home, different matters but still problems. We were close and we did many things together yet never talked about the things that screwed our heads. All the little things that, when you put them together, became bigger than a football pitch.
I had a grudge with my father. He never came to pick my report cards and see my teachers when I was in school. Not once. He was always busy with work (he was a teacher, that puzzled me the most) and never find time to come. I remember Acik came once, but the rest of the times, I brought them back. I altered some marks too because I was scared of being scolded for getting the red ink written all over the page.
I took an easy way out. I have been running ever since.
I was insecure. I still am, maybe. And I still don't have things on the list, but at least I'm trying to deal with my demons. I psyche myself up. Especially when I read some of my favorite blogs, I feel motivated. They're good vitamins for me. I maybe dumb but I know I have the ability. I had never pushed myself and never explored that part of me, but I know I can.
I am crawling. Be patient.
Tuesday, 31 January 2006
of value
I had no idea my old defunct blog is worth $11,855.34. Man! Show me the money!
This new one, though, has no value. Good. Only I know how much it's worth.
This new one, though, has no value. Good. Only I know how much it's worth.
Saturday, 28 January 2006
of my family
On Thursday, I had only one appointment at The Dominion. It was still early so I decided to treat myself to a movie and went to see Geisha. It is beautifully done, and gosh! Both Ziyi and Michelle are very beautiful.
In a way, I feel sad watching it. She said she wanted a life of her own. An impossible wish for a woman during her time. She has no choice but to follow the path set for her.
Not many women get to live their life their way. Let's face it. Our mothers and most women before them were basically confined to a certain life, a certain rules. They didn't have a choice. With no education or skills, they only did what they know best.
I remember my own mother. I wanted to write more about her now that I finally stop grieving. No, no that's not right. I am still grieving but I have come to term with my loss. The guilt that I had is no longer there. I am able to remember her in a different light.
I do cry once in a while, just because I miss her, but I can now talk about her openly. It has been 10 years last December.
When I was home for raya, all of us gathered at Aci's house. Na has said that we are going to follow a tradition that our parents had set years ago. As it was only us, I can see that every one of us really do love each other. And I am glad that our family is not infected with a disease I call hasad dengki.
Some people, when their parents died, they started talking about harta and stuffs, and became distant. These things become one of the causes in family feuds. I know for a fact that that's what happened to my aunt's family. Our cousins are wary of each other and one of the male cousins is not talking to his mom because he thought she favored the others. Their family is a gone case. I'm not saying that we are perfect, but we try to avoid all the things that can destroy our family.
Whenever we had different opinions or plans for the family enterprise or just advise to give, the adults in our family would sit at night talking about them. That's the way it should be. We have no one else but ourselves. I would have never thought about raising my voice to Aci or Na. I can't even address myself as 'aku' because I remember the last time I did that, I kena cili with Mak.
When Mak decided to give a piece of land to Ateh, she asked my opinion about it. The rest didn't know about this because they were away at that time. Her rationale was that the rest of us are able to fend for ourselves and find our own fortunes, but Ateh needs to be looked after. She wanted to give him the land so that he could work and create a mean of income for himself.
I had no objection. I agreed with her reason. So, I took her to the land office and helped her with the change of deed. When the rest found out about it years later, they didn't even object to that. I thought maybe Na or Acik would have showed some disappointment, or at least questioned about it because it was I, the youngest kid in the family, budak hingusan, who broke the news to them. They just took my word and get on with it. It was unbelievable. I didn't know that they could be so calm and accepting. No question asked.
I love it when I see the nephews and nieces are very close. They treat each others like brothers and sisters. Aci can scold Na's son without any qualm and vice versa, because that's just the way we are. I can scold any of the kids, and get away with it too, because I'm their aunt. Hehehe... They will only say, 'haa... dengaq kata Ucu!' They love me.
The other day, Aci told me that Ateh mengadu to her about Acik. Well, you see we all respect Acik for what he did and contributed to our family enterprise. But this ex-engineer aah, he sure knows his mechanical and chemical stuffs but knows nothing about management. All of us are at our wits end trying to stir him back to our original masterplan. I don't know what else to do.
You see, our family started an enterprise to help Ateh build a foundation in his life. He is a special person with slight autism. In another word, his brain works really slow and he has difficulty in communications. Acik was entrusted by all of us and the parents to manage everything, and he is man enough to carry such burden for the sake of his brother. He resigned from his job and began his life as a farmer. Not many man can give up his career and do that, and for that, I love him more than ever.
Well, back to my story about Ateh mengadu to Aci, it's nothing actually. It was just that I feel sayu when I heard about it, because he had no one to talk to. His wife is not that clever nor helpful, and with no mother to turn to, he sat there mumbled about his frustation to Aci. She has become a substitute to Mak.
If Mak was around, she would probably know how to console him. It's sad really. There were times when I feel that there's so much I want to talk to my brother. To tell him that one day everything will be alright. That he has us to look after him. That whatever happens, he can count on us. Yes, we hugged we saw each other and I showed my love through material things. I gave him more than I gave the others, but I never knew what to say. How does a sister tell her austistic brother that? After all, he will just nod and says he knows it, and get on with his chores. He probably wouldn't understand the depth of my feelings for him.
Gosh! I am crying as I type this. It's not because I'm ashamed of him or pity him or whatever, but because I am proud that he is so brave and strong. I crumbled and cried buckets when Mak passed away, how did he cope with his loss? I often wonder and feel that I should ask except I don't know if he can find the words to describe his feelings. He doesn't know how to express his thoughts.
Maybe I underestimate him. I dunno. Except for one subject for special population at the uni, I never had any training about special people. We just go along and do the best we can.
But it crosses my mind, maybe our best is not good enough?
In a way, I feel sad watching it. She said she wanted a life of her own. An impossible wish for a woman during her time. She has no choice but to follow the path set for her.
Not many women get to live their life their way. Let's face it. Our mothers and most women before them were basically confined to a certain life, a certain rules. They didn't have a choice. With no education or skills, they only did what they know best.
I remember my own mother. I wanted to write more about her now that I finally stop grieving. No, no that's not right. I am still grieving but I have come to term with my loss. The guilt that I had is no longer there. I am able to remember her in a different light.
I do cry once in a while, just because I miss her, but I can now talk about her openly. It has been 10 years last December.
When I was home for raya, all of us gathered at Aci's house. Na has said that we are going to follow a tradition that our parents had set years ago. As it was only us, I can see that every one of us really do love each other. And I am glad that our family is not infected with a disease I call hasad dengki.
Some people, when their parents died, they started talking about harta and stuffs, and became distant. These things become one of the causes in family feuds. I know for a fact that that's what happened to my aunt's family. Our cousins are wary of each other and one of the male cousins is not talking to his mom because he thought she favored the others. Their family is a gone case. I'm not saying that we are perfect, but we try to avoid all the things that can destroy our family.
Whenever we had different opinions or plans for the family enterprise or just advise to give, the adults in our family would sit at night talking about them. That's the way it should be. We have no one else but ourselves. I would have never thought about raising my voice to Aci or Na. I can't even address myself as 'aku' because I remember the last time I did that, I kena cili with Mak.
When Mak decided to give a piece of land to Ateh, she asked my opinion about it. The rest didn't know about this because they were away at that time. Her rationale was that the rest of us are able to fend for ourselves and find our own fortunes, but Ateh needs to be looked after. She wanted to give him the land so that he could work and create a mean of income for himself.
I had no objection. I agreed with her reason. So, I took her to the land office and helped her with the change of deed. When the rest found out about it years later, they didn't even object to that. I thought maybe Na or Acik would have showed some disappointment, or at least questioned about it because it was I, the youngest kid in the family, budak hingusan, who broke the news to them. They just took my word and get on with it. It was unbelievable. I didn't know that they could be so calm and accepting. No question asked.
I love it when I see the nephews and nieces are very close. They treat each others like brothers and sisters. Aci can scold Na's son without any qualm and vice versa, because that's just the way we are. I can scold any of the kids, and get away with it too, because I'm their aunt. Hehehe... They will only say, 'haa... dengaq kata Ucu!' They love me.
The other day, Aci told me that Ateh mengadu to her about Acik. Well, you see we all respect Acik for what he did and contributed to our family enterprise. But this ex-engineer aah, he sure knows his mechanical and chemical stuffs but knows nothing about management. All of us are at our wits end trying to stir him back to our original masterplan. I don't know what else to do.
You see, our family started an enterprise to help Ateh build a foundation in his life. He is a special person with slight autism. In another word, his brain works really slow and he has difficulty in communications. Acik was entrusted by all of us and the parents to manage everything, and he is man enough to carry such burden for the sake of his brother. He resigned from his job and began his life as a farmer. Not many man can give up his career and do that, and for that, I love him more than ever.
Well, back to my story about Ateh mengadu to Aci, it's nothing actually. It was just that I feel sayu when I heard about it, because he had no one to talk to. His wife is not that clever nor helpful, and with no mother to turn to, he sat there mumbled about his frustation to Aci. She has become a substitute to Mak.
If Mak was around, she would probably know how to console him. It's sad really. There were times when I feel that there's so much I want to talk to my brother. To tell him that one day everything will be alright. That he has us to look after him. That whatever happens, he can count on us. Yes, we hugged we saw each other and I showed my love through material things. I gave him more than I gave the others, but I never knew what to say. How does a sister tell her austistic brother that? After all, he will just nod and says he knows it, and get on with his chores. He probably wouldn't understand the depth of my feelings for him.
Gosh! I am crying as I type this. It's not because I'm ashamed of him or pity him or whatever, but because I am proud that he is so brave and strong. I crumbled and cried buckets when Mak passed away, how did he cope with his loss? I often wonder and feel that I should ask except I don't know if he can find the words to describe his feelings. He doesn't know how to express his thoughts.
Maybe I underestimate him. I dunno. Except for one subject for special population at the uni, I never had any training about special people. We just go along and do the best we can.
But it crosses my mind, maybe our best is not good enough?
sama saja
Hari tu kawan saya habaq bahasa malaysia saya dah teruk. Dia ada baca entry saya yang saya taip dlm melayu. Apa lagi... dia gelak la. Sebab pelik katanya.
Tah apa apa la. Tak payah cakap pun saya tau. Masa saya balik kampung hari tu, saya cakap melayu apa, tapi kekadang tu gagap jugak. Eessh... Nak buat cam mana kan? Cakap melayu pun dah tak betoi, cakap omputih pun tak teruih. Tepat sekali title blog ni.
Masa saya baru jumpak dengan The Mentor 3 tahun lepaih, dia kata dia tak larat dengan saya punya aksen American. Dia nak saya cakap omputih gaya British. Dia ni punjabi tapi omputih dia kelaaass. Queen's english. Saya pun dah terikut gaya dia, tapi disebabkan opis saya penuh dengan org welsh, english saya dah ada telor welsh pulak. Pastu bos baru saya dua2 laki bini Americans, so kena praktis balik aksen saya tu. Kalau saya pi jumpak kengkawan di utara sana, kepala hotak saya kena tune in dengan yorkshiremen.
Adoooi! Mana tak pening? Jangan salahkan saya. Ni semua salah depa. Ahaks.
Tah apa apa la. Tak payah cakap pun saya tau. Masa saya balik kampung hari tu, saya cakap melayu apa, tapi kekadang tu gagap jugak. Eessh... Nak buat cam mana kan? Cakap melayu pun dah tak betoi, cakap omputih pun tak teruih. Tepat sekali title blog ni.
Masa saya baru jumpak dengan The Mentor 3 tahun lepaih, dia kata dia tak larat dengan saya punya aksen American. Dia nak saya cakap omputih gaya British. Dia ni punjabi tapi omputih dia kelaaass. Queen's english. Saya pun dah terikut gaya dia, tapi disebabkan opis saya penuh dengan org welsh, english saya dah ada telor welsh pulak. Pastu bos baru saya dua2 laki bini Americans, so kena praktis balik aksen saya tu. Kalau saya pi jumpak kengkawan di utara sana, kepala hotak saya kena tune in dengan yorkshiremen.
Adoooi! Mana tak pening? Jangan salahkan saya. Ni semua salah depa. Ahaks.
Friday, 27 January 2006
Blogger Wedding of the Year
I seriously think both of them have no idea I'm doing this. Nyeh nyeh nyeh... PS is quite busy lately whereas Aces is taking a break from blogging.
I wonder whether their wedding will be the first one among bloggers, you know, who met through their writings. Correct me if I'm wrong.
She told me to cuti for a month. Errkk! I stayed almost 3 months last year, I dunno if I can afford to get another long holiday. My boss will probably chop my head for asking. I consider myself lucky if I can get 2 weeks.
Hummppp...
I wonder whether their wedding will be the first one among bloggers, you know, who met through their writings. Correct me if I'm wrong.
She told me to cuti for a month. Errkk! I stayed almost 3 months last year, I dunno if I can afford to get another long holiday. My boss will probably chop my head for asking. I consider myself lucky if I can get 2 weeks.
Hummppp...
Sooowwyyyy
Whoaa.. I didn't realise there was something wrong with my haloscan. I thought nobody wants to comment anymore. Heheee.. I think it should be ok now. Thanks Honeytar!
Thursday, 26 January 2006
My best friend is getting married!
The news came early today in an email. She said it's finally happening.
I am so happy for her, and him. She met him thru blog about a year ago. In fact, they found each other thru my old defunct blog, met for coffee and things just went from there. I like to think that I play cupid. Seriously, I do have sixth sense. Hehe.
When I met him at the airport, I thought he is rather different than the other men before him. He's quiet, very polite and soft-spoken. Quite the opposite of my friend. I guess the opposite attracts, huh?
I thought maybe because it was the first time we met, he was putting up a good disguise, you know to impress the friends. I was waiting to see when he will come out of his camouflage, but it never came. He was still same. Once I get to know him, I found that he was one the nicest men I ever met and ever the gentleman.
And truthfully, I am so glad that she has met the right one after going thru several heartbreaks. God is great. Good things will happen to those who wait. To PS and Aceshigh, congratulations!
Now, we better get down to business, girl! I have to plan for my holiday end of this year and I tell you I have to come home for your wedding. I won't miss it! It's unthinkable! I know I said I may not be able to afford another trip but if I set aside some kitty money, then I should be ok.
At least I have another thing to look forward to.
I am so happy for her, and him. She met him thru blog about a year ago. In fact, they found each other thru my old defunct blog, met for coffee and things just went from there. I like to think that I play cupid. Seriously, I do have sixth sense. Hehe.
When I met him at the airport, I thought he is rather different than the other men before him. He's quiet, very polite and soft-spoken. Quite the opposite of my friend. I guess the opposite attracts, huh?
I thought maybe because it was the first time we met, he was putting up a good disguise, you know to impress the friends. I was waiting to see when he will come out of his camouflage, but it never came. He was still same. Once I get to know him, I found that he was one the nicest men I ever met and ever the gentleman.
And truthfully, I am so glad that she has met the right one after going thru several heartbreaks. God is great. Good things will happen to those who wait. To PS and Aceshigh, congratulations!
Now, we better get down to business, girl! I have to plan for my holiday end of this year and I tell you I have to come home for your wedding. I won't miss it! It's unthinkable! I know I said I may not be able to afford another trip but if I set aside some kitty money, then I should be ok.
At least I have another thing to look forward to.
Wednesday, 25 January 2006
sejuk la
Today's weather is just too much. The cold just went through my nasal passages and sucked into my lung. It was hard to breathe these days and it went from bad to worse. Man! I'm sick of it already.
The one thing that at least is cleared is my parking permit. Finally got one after a couple of weeks waiting. No need for me to get out of the house early whenever I work from home just to make sure I put the coins in the meter. One day I forgot for one half hour and I've been slapped with a fine. Shit! There goes another £40.
I went out to buy 2 copies of Daily Telegraph. I must be mad. This is for the sake of the vouchers and token to eat for a fiver at Holiday Villa this Friday. It's ok. I'm meeting people so I'm quite happy.
But see how that works err.. nicely? Kekonon nak save duit lah tu. Pay 40 quid and get tokens for £5. I'm broke.
The one thing that at least is cleared is my parking permit. Finally got one after a couple of weeks waiting. No need for me to get out of the house early whenever I work from home just to make sure I put the coins in the meter. One day I forgot for one half hour and I've been slapped with a fine. Shit! There goes another £40.
I went out to buy 2 copies of Daily Telegraph. I must be mad. This is for the sake of the vouchers and token to eat for a fiver at Holiday Villa this Friday. It's ok. I'm meeting people so I'm quite happy.
But see how that works err.. nicely? Kekonon nak save duit lah tu. Pay 40 quid and get tokens for £5. I'm broke.
Tuesday, 24 January 2006
unhappy? not today
They said today is probably the unhappiest day in Britain. They said.
But you know what I say? I say today I saw some lights. Honestly, I thought I could see some glimmers in the dark.
I started my day quite early. Raring to go. I was determined to be strong, and whatever happens I wanted to bulldoze my way. I didn't need to go that far, though.
I could see it quite clearly. A plan suddenly materialised in front of my eyes, although I think it may change along the way. Nevertheless, I saw a line. For me? I think so. Knowing myself, I have many plans before. Plan A to G. I never stop thinking about them.
At least I have back ups.
Now, I have to make one happens.
But you know what I say? I say today I saw some lights. Honestly, I thought I could see some glimmers in the dark.
I started my day quite early. Raring to go. I was determined to be strong, and whatever happens I wanted to bulldoze my way. I didn't need to go that far, though.
I could see it quite clearly. A plan suddenly materialised in front of my eyes, although I think it may change along the way. Nevertheless, I saw a line. For me? I think so. Knowing myself, I have many plans before. Plan A to G. I never stop thinking about them.
At least I have back ups.
Now, I have to make one happens.
Monday, 23 January 2006
the calvin in us
Hobbes: How are you doing on your new year's resolutions?
Calvin: I didn't make any. See, in order to improve oneself, one must have some idea of what's 'good'. That implies certain values.
But as we all know, values are relative. Every system of belief is equally valid and we need to tolerate diversity. Virtue isn't 'better' than vice. It's just different.
Hobbes: I don't know if I can tolerate that much tolerance.
Calvin: I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
-----
Calvin: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing.
If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on, long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts!
You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do. They just keep griping until you start to wonder, "what's wrong with this idiot?" But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said.
Hobbes: Maybe they're not very self-aware (rolls his eyes)
Calvin: Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves!
-----
Calvin: I wonder why people are never content with what they have.
Hobbes: Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke, you've got no fangs, you can't see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are nil, and you don't even have tails! Of course people aren't content!
Calvin: Forget I said anything.
Hobbes: Now if tigers weren't content, that would be something to wonder about.
-----
Calvin: Want to buy my latest invention?
Hobbes: What is it?
Calvin: It's a writer's block! You put it on top of your desk and then you can't write there anymore!
Hobbes: (rolls his eyes)
Calvin: I must be years ahead of my time.
Calvin: I didn't make any. See, in order to improve oneself, one must have some idea of what's 'good'. That implies certain values.
But as we all know, values are relative. Every system of belief is equally valid and we need to tolerate diversity. Virtue isn't 'better' than vice. It's just different.
Hobbes: I don't know if I can tolerate that much tolerance.
Calvin: I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
-----
Calvin: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing.
If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on, long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts!
You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do. They just keep griping until you start to wonder, "what's wrong with this idiot?" But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said.
Hobbes: Maybe they're not very self-aware (rolls his eyes)
Calvin: Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves!
-----
Calvin: I wonder why people are never content with what they have.
Hobbes: Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke, you've got no fangs, you can't see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are nil, and you don't even have tails! Of course people aren't content!
Calvin: Forget I said anything.
Hobbes: Now if tigers weren't content, that would be something to wonder about.
-----
Calvin: Want to buy my latest invention?
Hobbes: What is it?
Calvin: It's a writer's block! You put it on top of your desk and then you can't write there anymore!
Hobbes: (rolls his eyes)
Calvin: I must be years ahead of my time.
Sunday, 22 January 2006
Go with the Flow
Thing hasn't gone horribly wrong. Not yet.
I've been thinking, rather unusual of me, of going home. A few years back, I was determined to stay for at least 5 years. I wanted to lose myself here and let myself float with the current . Or if you put it the other way around, I want to find myself. I didn't know what I want so, I came here to dig out.
Torn. That's what I am. Between here and there.
I know, I know. I can hear you saying solat istikharah. See, I can read your mind :) I want to do it. I know I have to. I am just not ready to see what will be revealed to me. What happens when I was shown one direction and I choose the other? And when the thing starts to go wrong, I will regret for the rest of my life.
There is no such thing as the right life. Or the right kinda car or shoes. I guess.
There is only one thing to do. To find the opportunities and make the best out of them. Whether they are the right ones for you, who cares? Right?
Do you know what frustrates me sometimes? The feeling of helplessness. I don't know how to deal with it. All my life, I have been in control of the things I want to do, the places I want to go or even the color of my trainers. I fixed my own lighter. I put together the IKEA shelves and desk. I could even fix the damned VCR.
I am not used to having people do things for me, and when they do, I dunno what to say. Always, I questioned myself when on rare occasion, someone did something good to me. Was he sincere? This may sound corny, but I do stuffs for people, not just friends, because that's how I'm built. But I'm so used to being taken for granted that I kinda accept it. What else can I do?
They figure, 'aah.. never mind, she can help us with things'. 'She can help us move', 'she can put my friend up for the night'.
It hurts. Is that all I am to you? Not more than a convenience? Just because I am available doesn't mean that I am willing to be taken for a ride.
Right now, I feel like my control is a bit shaky. I can't decide where I want to go. I told myself, it's ok to be scared and sad. When the fog is gone, I will have a clear way. I hope for spring soon.
I've been thinking, rather unusual of me, of going home. A few years back, I was determined to stay for at least 5 years. I wanted to lose myself here and let myself float with the current . Or if you put it the other way around, I want to find myself. I didn't know what I want so, I came here to dig out.
Torn. That's what I am. Between here and there.
I know, I know. I can hear you saying solat istikharah. See, I can read your mind :) I want to do it. I know I have to. I am just not ready to see what will be revealed to me. What happens when I was shown one direction and I choose the other? And when the thing starts to go wrong, I will regret for the rest of my life.
There is no such thing as the right life. Or the right kinda car or shoes. I guess.
There is only one thing to do. To find the opportunities and make the best out of them. Whether they are the right ones for you, who cares? Right?
Do you know what frustrates me sometimes? The feeling of helplessness. I don't know how to deal with it. All my life, I have been in control of the things I want to do, the places I want to go or even the color of my trainers. I fixed my own lighter. I put together the IKEA shelves and desk. I could even fix the damned VCR.
I am not used to having people do things for me, and when they do, I dunno what to say. Always, I questioned myself when on rare occasion, someone did something good to me. Was he sincere? This may sound corny, but I do stuffs for people, not just friends, because that's how I'm built. But I'm so used to being taken for granted that I kinda accept it. What else can I do?
They figure, 'aah.. never mind, she can help us with things'. 'She can help us move', 'she can put my friend up for the night'.
It hurts. Is that all I am to you? Not more than a convenience? Just because I am available doesn't mean that I am willing to be taken for a ride.
Right now, I feel like my control is a bit shaky. I can't decide where I want to go. I told myself, it's ok to be scared and sad. When the fog is gone, I will have a clear way. I hope for spring soon.
Thursday, 19 January 2006
Hope
We are all acquainted with the bad news. What we long for is good news. Not the pie-in-the-sky kind, but something firmly planted in everyday realities that will make us smile and look forward to the next day. We've heard the hype: what we need is believable hope. It's out there somewhere. We are bound to find it be it sooner or later. And it will keep us going through the rough time until we see the light, again. All we need is to be true to ourself, and believe.
Desperate Housewives
The brand new DH is on Channel 4 tonight at 10. Can't wait to see the bitchy banters and desperate people. Oh and the hunky plumber.
Wednesday, 18 January 2006
of doing nothing
The Mentor rang me later in the day. I was supposed to meet her today and discuss about the schedules for this year but she cancelled because things came up at the last minute, as always.
You know what? I am tired of doing nothing. Seriously, since I've been back, I only worked 5 full days. The rest I lepak. How do you think I managed to spend time at Borders and Currys yesterday? Once in a while, I got a call from the office asking me some petty questions, but other than that, I am free to do as I wish.
She even told me that I could go shopping and stuff. Haha... what a boss!
Though it's very flattering and cool to just lepak, but I'm getting bored. I needed to do something. So I went out to visit our customers. You know, just to say hi. And I started looking at getting more events, though I know she doesn't expect me to do it. I want to.
Kakteh, if you read this and require an assisstant, let me know. I can check my diary but most of the time I'm available.
You know what? I am tired of doing nothing. Seriously, since I've been back, I only worked 5 full days. The rest I lepak. How do you think I managed to spend time at Borders and Currys yesterday? Once in a while, I got a call from the office asking me some petty questions, but other than that, I am free to do as I wish.
She even told me that I could go shopping and stuff. Haha... what a boss!
Though it's very flattering and cool to just lepak, but I'm getting bored. I needed to do something. So I went out to visit our customers. You know, just to say hi. And I started looking at getting more events, though I know she doesn't expect me to do it. I want to.
Kakteh, if you read this and require an assisstant, let me know. I can check my diary but most of the time I'm available.
Tuesday, 17 January 2006
The road taken
Exhausted from waking up late, I sat on the bed with the bladder full. Someone was in the bathroom. I can hear the water running and the fellow coughing badly. He's got the cold alright. Please hurry!
Last night was no fun. I had made an arrangement with Agata to watch a movie. She wanted to see Planfight, while I opt for Geisha. Since the former was not featured in last night's showtimes, and the latter was aired later in the night, we went for The Producers instead.
Seriously, it left a lot to be desired. The jokes are no joke, really. I waaannnaaa be a produuucerrrr. What the heck? I like musical, I go wild with the likes of, well, the famous Grease, Strictly Ballroom, Center Stage, Billy Elliot and of course, Chicago. But this is not going to be listed in my hall of fame. Next time, I'd stick with my choice.
Ohh.. I could hear Kugan, the landlord talking to Heeroy (I'm not even sure that's how I should spell his name). What was he doing here? I'm sure my rent is due tomorrow, not today. I don't feel like seeing his face. Don't get me wrong. Kugan is a nice chap but sometimes he gets on my nerves when he keeps saying the same things over and over. What intrigues me is how he makes his million (I assume he is one)? He has too many properties, and I can prove that because he took me around to several flats scattered in Harrow before I settled for this one.
The other day, a friend texted me 'I nak kaya, I nak kaya'. Babe, I pun nak kaya, but how aah? I know how to work hard, I think I'm honest. I insist on living an ethical life (as ethical as I could). Is that enough to make me rich? Maybe not.
The funny thing is I haven't make my million yet, but it looks like I'm spending the few pennies I've got. I came back from Borders and Currys £100+ poorer. You know the sale is on. However much one wants to deny the shopping pleasure, one will succumb to the trap. These villians won't give you a chance.
I came back with a few books. One is a belated birthday present for a very good friend. I hope she likes it. The others were probably a waste of money. I got one of Nora Roberts and some self help books. I don't know what good they will do to me, but I'm keen to find out.
I wish I'm as rich as Nora. She used to write good stuffs. Or maybe I used to find that her writings about romance, witches and witchcrafts were to my liking, but it could be that I've outgrown them. I used to cry reading her books (silly me), but now it seems like my emotions are detached from my soul. Day by day, I have become a cynic without realizing it. I no longer hold on the romantic stuffs that will take a woman's breath away. I no longer think that there is someone out there who will come to save me from self destruction. (Huh, who am I kidding? I still have hope)
Enough already. This year, without any resolutions, I want to continue living. At the same time, I hope to find other opportunities. I can't be selling ice cream all my life, can I? I have seen quite a bit. I have backpacked and saw what I wanted to see albeit there are still many more to explore.
I will quit whingeing.
I have a bestseller to write. Ahaks.
Last night was no fun. I had made an arrangement with Agata to watch a movie. She wanted to see Planfight, while I opt for Geisha. Since the former was not featured in last night's showtimes, and the latter was aired later in the night, we went for The Producers instead.
Seriously, it left a lot to be desired. The jokes are no joke, really. I waaannnaaa be a produuucerrrr. What the heck? I like musical, I go wild with the likes of, well, the famous Grease, Strictly Ballroom, Center Stage, Billy Elliot and of course, Chicago. But this is not going to be listed in my hall of fame. Next time, I'd stick with my choice.
Ohh.. I could hear Kugan, the landlord talking to Heeroy (I'm not even sure that's how I should spell his name). What was he doing here? I'm sure my rent is due tomorrow, not today. I don't feel like seeing his face. Don't get me wrong. Kugan is a nice chap but sometimes he gets on my nerves when he keeps saying the same things over and over. What intrigues me is how he makes his million (I assume he is one)? He has too many properties, and I can prove that because he took me around to several flats scattered in Harrow before I settled for this one.
The other day, a friend texted me 'I nak kaya, I nak kaya'. Babe, I pun nak kaya, but how aah? I know how to work hard, I think I'm honest. I insist on living an ethical life (as ethical as I could). Is that enough to make me rich? Maybe not.
The funny thing is I haven't make my million yet, but it looks like I'm spending the few pennies I've got. I came back from Borders and Currys £100+ poorer. You know the sale is on. However much one wants to deny the shopping pleasure, one will succumb to the trap. These villians won't give you a chance.
I came back with a few books. One is a belated birthday present for a very good friend. I hope she likes it. The others were probably a waste of money. I got one of Nora Roberts and some self help books. I don't know what good they will do to me, but I'm keen to find out.
I wish I'm as rich as Nora. She used to write good stuffs. Or maybe I used to find that her writings about romance, witches and witchcrafts were to my liking, but it could be that I've outgrown them. I used to cry reading her books (silly me), but now it seems like my emotions are detached from my soul. Day by day, I have become a cynic without realizing it. I no longer hold on the romantic stuffs that will take a woman's breath away. I no longer think that there is someone out there who will come to save me from self destruction. (Huh, who am I kidding? I still have hope)
Enough already. This year, without any resolutions, I want to continue living. At the same time, I hope to find other opportunities. I can't be selling ice cream all my life, can I? I have seen quite a bit. I have backpacked and saw what I wanted to see albeit there are still many more to explore.
I will quit whingeing.
I have a bestseller to write. Ahaks.
Sunday, 15 January 2006
picking up a stranger
I admit I haven't been feeling 'well' in my head lately. Blame it on the weather. It's really terrible. I keep seeing the blue sky, and the slow stroll I had on the beach. I can actually imagine the hot sweat day and I absolutely loved it.
Two nights ago, I went straight to bed around 7pm, in my jeans, still wearing contact lenses and with the lights on. I was so KO. When I woke up in the morning, I felt really tired like I haven't had any sleeps. I need a good dose of camomile, I think.
Right this minute, I'm thinking about the Bubur Pulut Hitam at Mawar. When I was there for dinner with Kteh and Royal Jester, I had my normal koayteow goreng. As usual, the cucur udang is always on the table. At least, the meeting with them makes up for my homesickness. Tu lah, dah tua2 oso still feel homeseick.
With this new blog, I am relieved that not many people read me these days. I have less traffics and I feel that I tend to write more honest piece about my feelings of loneliness, my demented soul, the unimportant adventures and my self-inflicted pains.
Like the time when I picked up a stranger on the road side. Heh, I can picture someone raised her eyebrows already. Don't worry, I didn't bring a strange man back to my flat.
It was gloomy when I was driving back from the office on Wed, and I somehow knew that I'm going to be bored stiff driving alone for almost 3hours on the motorway. As I was leaving Newport, I saw a man holding a badly written sign 'Junct 17', but I didn't feel like stopping. 50 yards away, there was another man holding a sign to London. It was just spur of the moment. I pulled over and asked him to jump in the van.
After I did that, then I thought what the heck have I done? Have I gone mad? What if the man was a serial killer, or worst a rapist? I just got myself in the dump again. It was fairly cold, so I turned up the heater and continue driving.
To tell the truth, I was a little bit scared that this stranger might strike me anytime. I don't have money, all I had was £20. He can have it. I was edgy all the way to London, and I noticed that he was too. I guess he was a bit skeptical about my driving skills, being a woman that I am.
The van was becoming really warm and I could feel that my feet were already sweaty, but I just didn't dare turning down the heater. After he felt a bit comfortable, he rolled down the window. Though I was on my guard, I did make some conversations and found out about his personal life and things he was doing. I made a conclusion after the first half hour that he was quite alright, but that didn't stop me from having morbid imaginations. I kept playing these images that he put a knife to my throat, rumagging through my things and then shoot me in the head with his hidden gun. Urggghh... help me! I don't even have anything in the van to use as a weapon. I drove as fast as I can and didn't even stop at the services like I normally do. I just want to get this over with.
As we drove into London, I dropped him off at Northolt tube, and after some time I can breathe like normal again. I am never going to pick up a hitchiker again. This is the one and only time, I hope. But as they say, there's always first time for everything. Phew!
Two nights ago, I went straight to bed around 7pm, in my jeans, still wearing contact lenses and with the lights on. I was so KO. When I woke up in the morning, I felt really tired like I haven't had any sleeps. I need a good dose of camomile, I think.
Right this minute, I'm thinking about the Bubur Pulut Hitam at Mawar. When I was there for dinner with Kteh and Royal Jester, I had my normal koayteow goreng. As usual, the cucur udang is always on the table. At least, the meeting with them makes up for my homesickness. Tu lah, dah tua2 oso still feel homeseick.
With this new blog, I am relieved that not many people read me these days. I have less traffics and I feel that I tend to write more honest piece about my feelings of loneliness, my demented soul, the unimportant adventures and my self-inflicted pains.
Like the time when I picked up a stranger on the road side. Heh, I can picture someone raised her eyebrows already. Don't worry, I didn't bring a strange man back to my flat.
It was gloomy when I was driving back from the office on Wed, and I somehow knew that I'm going to be bored stiff driving alone for almost 3hours on the motorway. As I was leaving Newport, I saw a man holding a badly written sign 'Junct 17', but I didn't feel like stopping. 50 yards away, there was another man holding a sign to London. It was just spur of the moment. I pulled over and asked him to jump in the van.
After I did that, then I thought what the heck have I done? Have I gone mad? What if the man was a serial killer, or worst a rapist? I just got myself in the dump again. It was fairly cold, so I turned up the heater and continue driving.
To tell the truth, I was a little bit scared that this stranger might strike me anytime. I don't have money, all I had was £20. He can have it. I was edgy all the way to London, and I noticed that he was too. I guess he was a bit skeptical about my driving skills, being a woman that I am.
The van was becoming really warm and I could feel that my feet were already sweaty, but I just didn't dare turning down the heater. After he felt a bit comfortable, he rolled down the window. Though I was on my guard, I did make some conversations and found out about his personal life and things he was doing. I made a conclusion after the first half hour that he was quite alright, but that didn't stop me from having morbid imaginations. I kept playing these images that he put a knife to my throat, rumagging through my things and then shoot me in the head with his hidden gun. Urggghh... help me! I don't even have anything in the van to use as a weapon. I drove as fast as I can and didn't even stop at the services like I normally do. I just want to get this over with.
As we drove into London, I dropped him off at Northolt tube, and after some time I can breathe like normal again. I am never going to pick up a hitchiker again. This is the one and only time, I hope. But as they say, there's always first time for everything. Phew!
Wednesday, 11 January 2006
setting it right
Since this is my blog, I can whine all I want, but I try not to do it too often.
This year I want to be positive and as honest as I can. For every 10 bad things that happen, I am sure there will be one that I can be happy about.
What's the point of having doubt and feeling lonely when I know I did this to myself? What matters is focus. If I can do that, I know I can do anything. I realised I have too many dreams to fulfill and too many things I want to fix, but first thing first, set my goals straight.
Then I can fly.
-----
You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is
Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true
It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through
Nelly Furtado
This year I want to be positive and as honest as I can. For every 10 bad things that happen, I am sure there will be one that I can be happy about.
What's the point of having doubt and feeling lonely when I know I did this to myself? What matters is focus. If I can do that, I know I can do anything. I realised I have too many dreams to fulfill and too many things I want to fix, but first thing first, set my goals straight.
Then I can fly.
-----
You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is
Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true
It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through
Nelly Furtado
comfort food
I didn't realise that hari raya is just around the corner until I got text messages from CJ and Haji Malim. Al maklum lah busy unpacking lagi and makan pun tak teratoq.
Before I left home, I wanted to feel good and look good because nak jumpa semua org. Hehe... teruk kan my reason for losing weight? I was at my heaviest weight in Dec 2004 and I felt really horrible. But because I had the trip to look forward to, I pushed myself and managed to lose 11kg. What an achievement! The best I had so far. I think PS and CJ oso jeles sekejap when they first saw me. Hehe.. perasan la aku ni. Ahaks.
A few days ago, I weigh myself and holycow! I gained 5 kilos. Mak aiii... That must have been because of the raya, dinners, parties and late night suppers I had every single night. Mana tak ya. Melantak tak ingat dunia. Gany Char Koay Teow, Naili's, Nasik Lemak Mali, Satay Kajang, Sup Salak South, Tanjung Puteri, Anwar Seafood (waahhh.. lidah masak merah dia kaw giler) Thai this thai that. Adoi, semuanya sedap (tak sedap tak main la)
I haven't had a sensible eating pattern nor do I eat healthy food since I've been back either. Kebabs la, fried rice lah. Aiyo. I'm gonna be dead before summer gets here. Funny enough when I went to one kebab takeaway, a Turkish guy invited me to go for a drink with him tonight at a pub near the flat. Told him I don't drink and he said I could have juice. Heh. Macam-macam.
Anyway, I stocked up with the healthy options. Let's hope I stick to it again. While everyone's having rendang, ketupat, nasi tomato and ayam merah, please remember I only have salmon, veg, tuna and maggi at home.
Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha
Before I left home, I wanted to feel good and look good because nak jumpa semua org. Hehe... teruk kan my reason for losing weight? I was at my heaviest weight in Dec 2004 and I felt really horrible. But because I had the trip to look forward to, I pushed myself and managed to lose 11kg. What an achievement! The best I had so far. I think PS and CJ oso jeles sekejap when they first saw me. Hehe.. perasan la aku ni. Ahaks.
A few days ago, I weigh myself and holycow! I gained 5 kilos. Mak aiii... That must have been because of the raya, dinners, parties and late night suppers I had every single night. Mana tak ya. Melantak tak ingat dunia. Gany Char Koay Teow, Naili's, Nasik Lemak Mali, Satay Kajang, Sup Salak South, Tanjung Puteri, Anwar Seafood (waahhh.. lidah masak merah dia kaw giler) Thai this thai that. Adoi, semuanya sedap (tak sedap tak main la)
I haven't had a sensible eating pattern nor do I eat healthy food since I've been back either. Kebabs la, fried rice lah. Aiyo. I'm gonna be dead before summer gets here. Funny enough when I went to one kebab takeaway, a Turkish guy invited me to go for a drink with him tonight at a pub near the flat. Told him I don't drink and he said I could have juice. Heh. Macam-macam.
Anyway, I stocked up with the healthy options. Let's hope I stick to it again. While everyone's having rendang, ketupat, nasi tomato and ayam merah, please remember I only have salmon, veg, tuna and maggi at home.
Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha
Tuesday, 10 January 2006
The curse of haunted places
As everything gets back to almost normal, I had some times to reflect on the past years. I looked at where I've been and how many times I've moved since I left home when I was 18.
There is something you need to know, then you will understand my need to feel settled.
In the last 14 years, I have moved 21 times. Gila! I can't believe the figures myself. It showed how unsettled I was. I admit there were times I had to move under some circumstances that I had no control and couldn't change. But still... aiyoooo.
Let's see.
June 1992 - College
Dec 1992 - moved to Subang Jaya
June 1993 - Block 4, Shah Alam
Nov 1993 - Block 2
April 1994 - Block 9
Dec 1994 - Block 6
July 1995 - Block 3
Jan 1996 - U Place
June 1996 - Lawrence Place
May 1997 - St. Louis
Aug 1997 - 5th Street
Feb 1998 - Pandan Indah
April 1998 - Sentul
Aug 1999 - Bukit Puchong
Nov 2001 - Putra Perdana
Apr 2002 - Skipton, Yorkshire
Oct 2002 - Putra Perdana
Apr 2003 - Skipton
June 2003 - Ruislip
Oct 2004 - Cricklewood
Apr 2005 - Willesden Green
Jan 2006 - Harrow
The only year I didn't move is 2000. hhmmmm... penat tau pindah randah like this. Especially this recent move. Can you imagine someone being kicked out from the flat in just a few hours? Now imagine this. I was being kicked out of the flat when I was in KL, at a party with Dina. All done through phone.
If it wasn't for Maury, Luca and Dave, my things would have been left at that place with that bloody landlord. I was lucky though because I already packed quite a lot of stuffs when I sublet the room. As for Marcin and Agata, all they care were themselves. She said if it was up to her, she wouldn't even bother with the little things I have. These are the people I know since I first got here, and I have helped them through some of their tough time and that was what they said to me? How selfish can one be?
I have to remind myself from now on that they are not my friends anymore. They are just people I can go have a drink with from time to time but not the ones I can rely on. I don't hate them but I am very disappointed.
p/s: If I couldn't commit to a place, how the hell can I commit to a relationship?
There is something you need to know, then you will understand my need to feel settled.
In the last 14 years, I have moved 21 times. Gila! I can't believe the figures myself. It showed how unsettled I was. I admit there were times I had to move under some circumstances that I had no control and couldn't change. But still... aiyoooo.
Let's see.
June 1992 - College
Dec 1992 - moved to Subang Jaya
June 1993 - Block 4, Shah Alam
Nov 1993 - Block 2
April 1994 - Block 9
Dec 1994 - Block 6
July 1995 - Block 3
Jan 1996 - U Place
June 1996 - Lawrence Place
May 1997 - St. Louis
Aug 1997 - 5th Street
Feb 1998 - Pandan Indah
April 1998 - Sentul
Aug 1999 - Bukit Puchong
Nov 2001 - Putra Perdana
Apr 2002 - Skipton, Yorkshire
Oct 2002 - Putra Perdana
Apr 2003 - Skipton
June 2003 - Ruislip
Oct 2004 - Cricklewood
Apr 2005 - Willesden Green
Jan 2006 - Harrow
The only year I didn't move is 2000. hhmmmm... penat tau pindah randah like this. Especially this recent move. Can you imagine someone being kicked out from the flat in just a few hours? Now imagine this. I was being kicked out of the flat when I was in KL, at a party with Dina. All done through phone.
If it wasn't for Maury, Luca and Dave, my things would have been left at that place with that bloody landlord. I was lucky though because I already packed quite a lot of stuffs when I sublet the room. As for Marcin and Agata, all they care were themselves. She said if it was up to her, she wouldn't even bother with the little things I have. These are the people I know since I first got here, and I have helped them through some of their tough time and that was what they said to me? How selfish can one be?
I have to remind myself from now on that they are not my friends anymore. They are just people I can go have a drink with from time to time but not the ones I can rely on. I don't hate them but I am very disappointed.
p/s: If I couldn't commit to a place, how the hell can I commit to a relationship?
Saturday, 7 January 2006
Friday, 6 January 2006
Another beginning
I guess it's not too late to say Happy New Year. I've been quite busy since coming back. Finding new flat, moving stuffs and being depressed.
Yes friends. It's quite worrying to start a new year like this. Dina says the first few days will set the tone for the rest of the year. Or something like that. If, somehow, this is true, then I will have a tough time.
I told some people that my new year was ok, but I lied. It was horrible. If I could turn back time, all I want is to be at homeground to start the year. I was alone bunking at a friend's place because everyone went back for holiday. There I was, tired on the new year's eve, sleeping throughout the night without a care for the world. How pathetic!
It was very quiet the next day and towns were almost deserted. Only lone ranger like me walking up and down the streets. Running to catch buses and trains for appointments to view flats.
I think I'll always have bad luck. Every year it seems that I'm living in a dump. 2 years ago, I moved out because my van window got smashed and things stolen. It wasn't safe. Moved in with friends but they got money problem that forced us to move. The latest blow is when the landlord kicked me and the rest out after the council found out about him renting out the flat. I had enough of this bullshit. I dunno what I'm feeling now.
Honestly, I want to live a quiet life and feel settled. Sometimes I wonder (especially now that I haven't got much work to do) when will my life be completed?
I don't ask for much. Really. Just a circle of good friends, someone to care for and a decent lifestyle. I don't want to get filthy rich, just enough to see me through. Is that too much to ask? Is God listening?
I feel that I deserved a good cry. Over everything. Things happen at home and I'm not included in the process. I'm left way behind. I'm gonna miss a lot of things just because I'm here. The last few days, I've been having weird feeling. I sense that something bad is going to happen. My heart goes duuub daaab.. duub daabb. It's scary. Tak sedap hati. But I dunno what.
Please, grant me some strength.
Your humble servant
-Ewok-
Yes friends. It's quite worrying to start a new year like this. Dina says the first few days will set the tone for the rest of the year. Or something like that. If, somehow, this is true, then I will have a tough time.
I told some people that my new year was ok, but I lied. It was horrible. If I could turn back time, all I want is to be at homeground to start the year. I was alone bunking at a friend's place because everyone went back for holiday. There I was, tired on the new year's eve, sleeping throughout the night without a care for the world. How pathetic!
It was very quiet the next day and towns were almost deserted. Only lone ranger like me walking up and down the streets. Running to catch buses and trains for appointments to view flats.
I think I'll always have bad luck. Every year it seems that I'm living in a dump. 2 years ago, I moved out because my van window got smashed and things stolen. It wasn't safe. Moved in with friends but they got money problem that forced us to move. The latest blow is when the landlord kicked me and the rest out after the council found out about him renting out the flat. I had enough of this bullshit. I dunno what I'm feeling now.
Honestly, I want to live a quiet life and feel settled. Sometimes I wonder (especially now that I haven't got much work to do) when will my life be completed?
I don't ask for much. Really. Just a circle of good friends, someone to care for and a decent lifestyle. I don't want to get filthy rich, just enough to see me through. Is that too much to ask? Is God listening?
I feel that I deserved a good cry. Over everything. Things happen at home and I'm not included in the process. I'm left way behind. I'm gonna miss a lot of things just because I'm here. The last few days, I've been having weird feeling. I sense that something bad is going to happen. My heart goes duuub daaab.. duub daabb. It's scary. Tak sedap hati. But I dunno what.
Please, grant me some strength.
Your humble servant
-Ewok-
The day I left
The day I left KL, my heart was pulling me back. I looked at JackJack and thought how the hell could I leave her when she's so adorable? For the last 10 weeks, she came to know me and she was laughing all the time whenever she saw me.
But I have left her. Over time, she will forget about me. She will not remember my face or my voice or my kisses.
I have left a lot of things in pursue of my life here. It's hard you know. But they don't know it. They don't know how difficult it is to struggle alone. They think it's nice to live in another country and earning the sterling. Dammit! They don't know shit about my tears and longing.
Coming here to study and working is not the same. Especially with my circumstances. I can't live at home, at the same time I'm fighting my way here. So yeah. I'm somewhere in between. Mid life crisis.
But I have left her. Over time, she will forget about me. She will not remember my face or my voice or my kisses.
I have left a lot of things in pursue of my life here. It's hard you know. But they don't know it. They don't know how difficult it is to struggle alone. They think it's nice to live in another country and earning the sterling. Dammit! They don't know shit about my tears and longing.
Coming here to study and working is not the same. Especially with my circumstances. I can't live at home, at the same time I'm fighting my way here. So yeah. I'm somewhere in between. Mid life crisis.
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