God sent me you

Tonight I'm thinking about you again
I know you are a part of someone else's life
but for me you are my life
you have touched my soul
I didn't know I could love anyone
as much as I love you.
I hope this kind of magic stays
forever between us two,
and the whole wide world will know
I am lucky
that God sent me you

of being vulnerable

I'm aloof and distant. I'm rough and tough. I'm independent and self-sufficient. I looked confident. I may sound selfish and spoilt to someone who doesn't know me. I'm needy and I want to be pampered. I'm soft and shy. I lack confidence and self belief.

But she knows me well. She can read me like a book. I become vulnerable when she can break my barrier and the fences that I erected to protect myself. She could bring my defence down with just the snap of her fingers. And she's all I ever wanted.

the four-letter word part 2

It was a day later. A text came in @18:27

"I love you"


and the following day @10:29

"Hey baby did I tell you I love you?"


I'm on top of the world. Love you too Sayang!

the four-letter word

I will always remember this day. When I got to her place I found out she was really ill from food poisoning. The feeling of being protective and concern suddenly emerged from within. I didn't want her to suffer. Oh I would do anything to spare her the pain.

I wanted to care for her and love her and just be with her even if we didn't utter a single word. Just the thought of being close to her is enough. I want to wrap my arms around her and never let go. It's a wonderful feeling.

I had the most magical day of my life. Felt like I was living in a bubble and did not want anyone to burst it.

Today I told her I love her.

ultimatum

She laid an ultimatum. She won't tolerate it if I betrayed her and if I did it would be the end of us. What makes she thinks I would tolerate if the thing was reversed? Ok, so she hasn't betrayed me but what is going to stop her from doing it?

How could there be one rule for her and another set for me? Can I tolerate that? Is that a betrayal?

of respect and love

She dropped a bombshell on me.

She said I need to find someone who is available to me full time. I know. I know before we got together that this relationship is impossible. I know that she can't offer me more than what she has given. I know that I can't expect us to be like a normal couple who are free in showing their emotions and affection. But I don't want her to leave nor do I want to find someone else. I made up my mind and I'm sticking to my decision.

My mates have been telling me that there's so many obstacles between us and it would have never worked out. To be honest, yes I agree with them. The lists could fill up the wall in my bedroom if I were to think of them. If I were to follow my head then I would have to put a stop to everything and stop seeing her. But no matter what they said - that this is wrong - I can't stop the feeling I developed for her.

From the very beginning, and this was some years ago, I was comfortable being with her. She made me feel like I was somebody and I felt appreciated. She cares and is interested with what's going on in my life. Every time she embraced me, I felt a twinge of happiness and jealousy. Happy because I like her and that she's been wonderful to me. I was also jealous for the people in her life who have been on the receiving end of her warmth, kindness and affection. I wanted to be one of them. I realised now that I wanted to be special to her.

Every time I saw her, she managed to put a smile on my face, and when I didn't see her I could get by just by talking to her. I remember telling her about my family and friends. I opened up to her bits by bits. The respect I have for her is enormous. I value and appreciate her and care for her. Then it finally clicked. I must have loved her for a while now.

diversion and jealousy

I have a nasty streak that surfaced every once in a while. She's even worried that one day I might lose control over it and would use it just to leash out and strike her just because I was hurt. How could she think that I would do such thing to someone I love? She doesn't know that I would spare her all the hurt if I could, and I thought she knew me better.

Yes I am jealous. Isn't it natural to be jealous because you love someone? But I am all cock-and-bull false bravado. I would prefer to suffer on my own and rot to die.

Who am I to say anything? I can't even claim her as mine. She loves another, but to say that I am not jealous would be the understatement of the century.

So, what's left to do but for me to think that I am just an aberration or just a detour from her normal life. Something new and something exciting to spice up in life. I am trying to convince myself that all she wants is just an escape from all that pressure she has from work and family commitment. Everyone expects too much from her so she comes to me just to be herself and release that tension. I am sure when she had enough, she'd leave.

Some people often indulge themselves in some kind of forbidden thing, but when they lose interest it would be all over and they'd move on. Who knows, right?

the troublemaker

The feeling I have for her is getting stronger and stronger everyday.

If I don't hear her voice I would feel restless. At times I feel guilty for making her have feelings for me. She would have never went for me if she knew my real orientation. Maybe that knowledge somehow influenced her emotion towards me.

I can't help but thinking I'm the troublemaker here.

lies and excuses

Everything is so messed up. My life is taking a different turn and it seems to have make me confused. I can't even say the right words or do the right things. Words that came out of me seems to hurt her and I don't know how to make it better. To her they're all like poison.

She says I'm full of lies and excuses. Maybe I did lie because it's like second nature because if you're used to lying you just can't get rid of the habit overnight. But it wasn't my intention to hurt her at all.

On the other hand, sometimes my lies are to prevent or avoid confrontation. It's in me that I hate argument and I don't like being stuck in a heated conversation. I don't want to hurt anyone and I know I don't like her to be unhappy. I'd rather it was me that's hurting and suffering it all than seeing someone I love and care so much being upset and hurt.

you think you know

I always thought I know what kind of woman I want as a girlfriend. Passionate, thoughtful and caring. I also thought I want someone who is shy and weak that I could take care of. I thought I am the strong one hence the criteria.

When I watched the L Word, I used to fancy the socks of Bette but I didn't think she was my type. It never crossed my mind that all these while what I needed is the strong-willed and an alpha female to bring me back to reality. Another criterion that I overlooked was the status because just like everyone else I assumed that most women are single and unattached. Until I found my love.

I never realised that she was right in front of my eyes. I was oblivious to her feeling towards me. In my defence it's all down to a huge barrier between us. I knew I had some feelings for her but I also knew that she's everything I want and I can't have.

of my coming out story part 5

At the beginning of last year, I felt it was time to take another step and extend the discovery process beyond the cyber world and into the real world. There was a discussion and counseling group that meet every second and fourth Monday of the month at London Friend to talk about the issue of sexuality in a safe and friendly environment. And how apt it was that on the day I went, the topic was 'Am I, Aren't I? - Coming Out to Yourself'.

It finally clicked! Meeting people who are in the same boat made me realised I was not alone and talking about my fears and worries helps a lot. It dawned to me that working toward self-acceptance is the first step in coming out. It is the most important and often the most difficult step but it is better than living in the closet. It is a painful and lonely place to be especially if one stays there in order to survive; one would never survived! It takes a lot of energy to deny my feelings, and to be honest, denial can be costly.

At the ripe age of 33, I finally acknowledged and accepted myself. This was never a phase for me and I felt it was the most liberating feeling in the whole world. It felt like the weights on both shoulders have been lifted. Coming out to myself was the beginning of my not being angry anymore.

In fact, I believed it has helped me in developing a positive self-identity. I started to trust and believe in myself again. I also learn many valuable lessons about what the word friendship means. Friends that I thought would be the least judgmental were the first to drop me, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered the strongest support.

I have given hints to some friends through emails and phone calls but The Mentor was the first person I ever told face to face. It seemed appropriate for me to tell her since she took me under her wings and could read me like a book. When it finally came out of my mouth, I was already a nervous wreck and cried throughout the confession. She was the most supportive as ever and I couldn’t have ask for a better person to come out to. She encourages and pushes me to do more for myself. She sees the real person that I am and knew what I'm capable of. The thing that touched and humbled me the most is she believes in me at the time when I don't even have faith in myself. She is my rock and always will be.

I came to understand that the biggest hang-up was me. I was convinced everybody would have a horrible reaction to my coming out and would hate me. Soon after, it seems natural that I let my close friends know the real me. There were times when I thought I was ready to tell my sister, but then I chickened out. One day, I promised.

Coming out allows me to develop as a whole person. My confidence level has shot through the roof and I am comfortable with myself more than ever. It is honest and real, and it ends the stress of hiding and leading a double life. I started to listen to my deepest feelings and learn more about what homosexual is. The pre-conceived notions that gay people are freaks and sinful are from the stereotypical image that was badly represented but we are no different from the rest. The world would be a better place if people stopped labeling others and started respecting one another.

I realise it is not the faith that rejected people like me but it is the people of the faith that walked with holier than thou attitude. People who think that they are right and others are wrong. People who claimed they don't have any problems with gay people, but will add a 'but' at the end of their statement. People who refused to acknowledge that we existed and continue pretending as long as it is hidden.

I thank God that I am blessed with some friends who instead of preaching, they subtly invited me to the surau, which sometimes I graciously accepted, something I usually avoided in the past. To those who knew me, I thank you for being my friends and accepted and loved me as I am. I am still nowhere near perfect and as humble as ever but today, my spirituality is stronger and gentler. The God I know loves me and loves all those He has created.

As far as I can remember I have never been as happy and content in my life as I am these days. I am at peace and I love myself. That's all that matter. This is my coming out story. I have a long road ahead and it is very hard. I still have to fight to stay strong but I look forward to every new day, and I have never felt so free; no more headaches, no more stomach problems, no more misguided tortures. Just clear thinking. I found myself no longer in between.

And yes, I have always been different and I finally know why.

of my coming out story part 4

Everyone sees me as the tough one. My family thinks that I walk on water and I could accomplish anything and everything, but what they didn't know is that I'm very good at hiding my miseries and sorrows. I could get an Oscar for that.

I didn't have anyone to confide to. No one that cared enough and made extra initiative to know more about me. I do have a few good friends but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I didn't think they would understand what I was going through because they were not in my shoes. There was so much pain and frustration that I was disgusted with myself and began thinking of myself as a failure. I was scared of being rejected for who I am; hence I isolated myself and lived in hibernation. I was thinking that if I rejected them first, then they wouldn't have the chance to push me aside and eventually hurt my feelings.

After years of lying, pretending and thinking that I was sick and not normal, I couldn't continue the facade. I needed to get out and be me. I don't know how but a part of me found the courage to write about it although I didn't admit that I was a full blown gay. Subconsciously I chose the title of this blog as it is because I knew deep down that I was neither here nor there.

When I finally told my good friend PS, I said that I think I was a bisexual just because I thought it was safer since I was only half gay and half straight. I was afraid of the reaction. I expected her to be horrified and stop being my friend. Gosh! What a relief when that didn't happen!

I remember she said that whoever I am, I'm just like everyone else with emotions and needs and I just have to accept it and just be selfish for once. For that, my friend, I would always be grateful for making me see it in a different perspective. If by being selfish I could be happy, then I'm not letting it go.

Slowly, I learned to accept that I cannot pretend to be someone that I'm not and that I have to stop hiding. Through some forums, the old defunct blog and this one, I started meeting new people. At first I was sceptical and afraid of being judged before they even knew the real me, but to my surprise I met some wonderful people whom later become very good friends. A few bloggers were kind enough to offer me friendship, advice and verses to read in times of confusion.

As I wrote about all sorts of things that were trapped in my head, I calmed a little and some stress was alleviated, but the torment of not being able to fit in was still thick and heavy in the air. It was an absolutely terrifying and stressful journey. And you know what, when you think about the family, it is always very hard to live up to their expectations.

l.i.f.e

I thought I had my life figured out. I know who I am and what I want. It's so good to finally accept myself the way I am and I am not embarrassed by it.

I never thought that one day someone would come along and throw me off balance. Well, I thought wrong. I don't want to hurt and I can't stand the thought of being hurt. Why must fate be so cruel? Why must it be all or nothing for me?

empty space

You know how funny/weird/ironic it is that when you resolve something or you finally figured things out, you find that you have nothing much to say, anymore.

of my coming out story part 3

I began to struggle with my inner self and thinking perhaps I was having a mid-life crisis. 'This is shit!' I told myself. No one has a mid-life crisis in their mid 20s! I needed to start anew.

Up until then, I have to say that I was not interested in men and never had any boyfriends, but thinking that I should conform to the society, I found myself going out with them. I tried to create interests and give plenty of attention. Time and again, I forced myself but it never went any further. The interest just wasn't there and as soon as I got home from the dates I forgot all about them. It never crossed my mind to even think of them in a romantic way.

I enjoy being friends with men and having them as good company but attracted to them? No. Envisioning the rest of my life spent with any of them? No. Putting up with their behaviors and the typical manly characteristics? No, thank you! Married with white picket fences and 2.5 kids? Definitely a no no. I do not want to conform to what the society deems as the right thing to do. I don't want to get married just because that is expected of me. I was fucking miserable, and I don't think it was fair to make other people's life as painful as mine.

Yes, I've tried to be what I thought was expected of me, lived the life that had been modeled to me by those I knew. But deep down I knew it didn't fit. In 2004 I went through the bleakest and most difficult time of my life. I was depressed, suffering from anxiety attacks, had zero confidence, low self-esteem and suicidal.

Since I arrived in the UK, I kept to myself. I didn't feel like befriending new people and only knew the people I used to work with. To be brutally frank, I hated the narrow-minded and judgmental people especially the Malays. The angst in me was at full blown, even a few bloggers I met could sense the vibe at that time. Yet, I can't avoid my family even though I tried to keep minimal contacts with them. My sister tried to introduce me to a few of her friends' brothers and I even had a marriage proposal, which I turned down. Oh how I dreaded thinking about the subject!

There was a couple of times The Mentor mentioned about me finding a man, but with her I could just shrugged away and pushed it to the back of my mind. There was not too much pressure from her. However, after gentle and persistent prodding and genuine interest in my life, slowly, I was able to talk and open up bits and pieces of me. I found myself telling her the things that were on my mind, which I couldn't express and never uttered to anyone before.

For some odd reason I wanted to be perfect and invisible. I didn't want people to see me as weak and needy, and as a wimp but somehow I knew there's nothing I could do about it. I don't have what other people have, so I thought my life was shit and not complete.

To be honest, I didn't understand what I was going through. How odd it was that some parts of me were still green and naive. Yet, at the back of my mind I knew it had something to do with my sexual orientation. I felt so depressed, guilty, scared and angry all the time, but most of all I felt very lonely. The loneliness was devastating; sometimes I curled up in bed and didn't move for hours or didn't go out for days.

In the midst of all these, I struggled with how to reconcile the reality with a faith that totally rejected and shunned people like me. In my mind, I failed myself and I was a disgrace to the family. Only God knows how I survived and lived with that thought.

A wonderful Swedish getaway

of this weekend

One application on Facebook says this about me:

"A geek from the word go, you are brilliant at all the difficult and tech stuff. You excel at anything techy. It's sometimes difficult for you to find a company of people worth spending time with. Which is probably why you have planned to take over the world with your self made robots!"

Hah! What bollocks! I says loads of bollocks.

But I do feel absolutely fab! Happy as I can be.

With the sunshine and fine weather, good friends to entertain, dinner with a lovely company and great salsa night what more could a girl ask?

of my coming out story part 2

I sailed through college without a boyfriend, and not wanting one at all. Though I did develop a close friendship with another girl, I thought it was just normal for girls to have that kind of bond with their friends.

I remember there was a paper we had to write about homosexuality but I still had no idea what it really was. As it happened, the friendship didn’t go any further as I felt claustrophobic and trapped with her neediness. So these feelings I had for girls completely and totally slipped my mind.

Furthermore, I had other demons to battle with at that time. I had to deal with the death of my mother, relocating myself to a foreign country and the shock that my father remarried less than 6 months later. As I blamed myself for the unfortunate death, I felt all the guilts were on me and was totally lost, angry and hurt.

I was young and didn't know any better. The way I saw it, I was coping well. I had my attention on things that were gothic, mystery and grotesque, and for a while there I even started to look like one. I made sure that the things I did were out of the ordinary, unexpected and slightly odd. Druid, satanic cult, emo, pagan, witchcraft, tarot, you just name it, I was interested. But it never lasted long enough. I was unbelievably lost.

I love being in the company of people, but there I was isolating myself, in my little world, trying to find a solid ground below or a hand to hold but I never managed to grab one. I was hiding and, at the same time, protecting myself from being hurt again. I always felt that I was there for people when they need me but at the same time, I can't help feeling all alone fighting for my survival. I always held back what was on my mind and never spoke of any sorrows. I pushed people away and refused to let anyone get close. I wanted to run as far as I could. Still, I didn’t know what I was running from or where I was running to.

It was only at the beginning of my so-called adult life that I found myself falling hopelessly in love, with a woman. And ironically, I didn’t even know that it was love. Like it or not, she filled my mind for the next few years and there was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. I felt that I finally had found something or someone to live for. I was feeling all sort of emotions and wanted to change for the best. I would have gone to the moon and back if she had asked.

Sadly, I was just a phase she was going through at that moment. I was devastated and it was way too excruciating to watch her leave. But leave she did.

of being scared

I am temporarily insane

now I show you vulnerabilities
you see things I cannot do

now I tell you weaknesses
you see not my capabilities

now I bear my soul to you
you only see meekness

I'm not the person you thought you knew

of my coming out story part 1

Growing up, I always knew that I was different, but I just didn't have a grasp on why and what set me apart from everyone else.

My teenage years were quite happy ones, yet a little stormy sometimes. Even though I was a well-behaved child and never had problems at school, deep down I was a rebel. I was a little rascal and went through stages of hatred and anger at things in general. However, I could never put my fingers on what it was that triggered my restlessness.

When my friends were checking out the boys from St. Michael or KSAH, I pretended to be interested and did the same when in fact I didn't feel an iota of feeling towards the male gender. I have always had an infatuation with women since I was a little girl. I only liked and obsessed over women performers and women actors, but I usually ended up putting posters of guys over the walls in my room because it was the 'normal' or 'right' thing to do. In a way I thought that if I had them on my walls, I would start developing some kind of attraction towards the opposite sex.

I was thinking that when I got a little older, this phase would pass and I would fall totally in love with a man. I even found myself studying relationships around me between boys and girls and wondered if I'd be fortunate enough to have a boyfriend one day.

Nevertheless, all the while I never stop having crushes on girls. I didn't know what it was but I did know how terrified I was, and the indescribable worry that I like girls more than I like boys. I had no knowledge of such thing as gay people. There was no talk among my high school peers and there certainly were no talk shows, no films or no internet to help better my understanding of such emotions.

I prayed to God, sobbing, and thinking it was the worst fate to ever be forced upon anyone. Not to mention the fact if dear mother found out, God only knows what layer of hell would be unleashed and set upon my frail teen soul.