of my coming out story part 5

At the beginning of last year, I felt it was time to take another step and extend the discovery process beyond the cyber world and into the real world. There was a discussion and counseling group that meet every second and fourth Monday of the month at London Friend to talk about the issue of sexuality in a safe and friendly environment. And how apt it was that on the day I went, the topic was 'Am I, Aren't I? - Coming Out to Yourself'.

It finally clicked! Meeting people who are in the same boat made me realised I was not alone and talking about my fears and worries helps a lot. It dawned to me that working toward self-acceptance is the first step in coming out. It is the most important and often the most difficult step but it is better than living in the closet. It is a painful and lonely place to be especially if one stays there in order to survive; one would never survived! It takes a lot of energy to deny my feelings, and to be honest, denial can be costly.

At the ripe age of 33, I finally acknowledged and accepted myself. This was never a phase for me and I felt it was the most liberating feeling in the whole world. It felt like the weights on both shoulders have been lifted. Coming out to myself was the beginning of my not being angry anymore.

In fact, I believed it has helped me in developing a positive self-identity. I started to trust and believe in myself again. I also learn many valuable lessons about what the word friendship means. Friends that I thought would be the least judgmental were the first to drop me, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered the strongest support.

I have given hints to some friends through emails and phone calls but The Mentor was the first person I ever told face to face. It seemed appropriate for me to tell her since she took me under her wings and could read me like a book. When it finally came out of my mouth, I was already a nervous wreck and cried throughout the confession. She was the most supportive as ever and I couldn’t have ask for a better person to come out to. She encourages and pushes me to do more for myself. She sees the real person that I am and knew what I'm capable of. The thing that touched and humbled me the most is she believes in me at the time when I don't even have faith in myself. She is my rock and always will be.

I came to understand that the biggest hang-up was me. I was convinced everybody would have a horrible reaction to my coming out and would hate me. Soon after, it seems natural that I let my close friends know the real me. There were times when I thought I was ready to tell my sister, but then I chickened out. One day, I promised.

Coming out allows me to develop as a whole person. My confidence level has shot through the roof and I am comfortable with myself more than ever. It is honest and real, and it ends the stress of hiding and leading a double life. I started to listen to my deepest feelings and learn more about what homosexual is. The pre-conceived notions that gay people are freaks and sinful are from the stereotypical image that was badly represented but we are no different from the rest. The world would be a better place if people stopped labeling others and started respecting one another.

I realise it is not the faith that rejected people like me but it is the people of the faith that walked with holier than thou attitude. People who think that they are right and others are wrong. People who claimed they don't have any problems with gay people, but will add a 'but' at the end of their statement. People who refused to acknowledge that we existed and continue pretending as long as it is hidden.

I thank God that I am blessed with some friends who instead of preaching, they subtly invited me to the surau, which sometimes I graciously accepted, something I usually avoided in the past. To those who knew me, I thank you for being my friends and accepted and loved me as I am. I am still nowhere near perfect and as humble as ever but today, my spirituality is stronger and gentler. The God I know loves me and loves all those He has created.

As far as I can remember I have never been as happy and content in my life as I am these days. I am at peace and I love myself. That's all that matter. This is my coming out story. I have a long road ahead and it is very hard. I still have to fight to stay strong but I look forward to every new day, and I have never felt so free; no more headaches, no more stomach problems, no more misguided tortures. Just clear thinking. I found myself no longer in between.

And yes, I have always been different and I finally know why.