Help me, please?

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Living alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
AnymoreI never needed anyone


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Sometimes it is so easy to cry, but when the hurt was buried inside for a long time, your tears will soon dry. Our hearts have been sliced and ripped apart, yet we still managed to pick ourselves up and moved on. As we grow older, we see things for what they are and not just the silver surface covering the ugly truth.

When I was young, foolish and full with romantic notions, I go ‘oohh aahh’ over the fairy tales of happy ending. Bruised and broken hearted years later, I believe that life is not just a whirlpool of romances. Sweet nothings whispered before, are now distant memories. Yet, however hard we tried to paste a smile on our face, these feelings sneak up on us and break us again, and again.

I did not plan for this thing to happen and I wish it didn’t happen. But the devil somehow found his way in. I did something I haven’t done for a long while. I wasn’t in a party mood so I opted to watch The X Factor and Simon Cowell. Btw, he’s cocky, witty and so much fun to watch, and I like him. I was enjoying the show and pining for Steve and Cassie to get through to the final. When it was her turn to sing, Cassie put her soul into this beautiful song, and makes me cry. My friends will tell you that I cry for the silliest reason one can think of, a TV advert, chick flicks or even a patriotic song. I became sebak. So what? Sue me! Anyway, her huge powerful voice reached inside of me and breaks my drought. This time, I cried because I actually listen to words and to the music.

That got me into thinking, what if I was not afraid? What if I’d taken a chance and gamble away? My whole life would have been altered and I would probably have a totally different personality and lifestyle. But is it a different lifestyle what I want? Or was I really looking to change my personality altogether? What am I? Who have I become? Will I end up just by myself? I tell you, I am physically stabled but emotionally disabled. The truth is I am terrified of what lies ahead of me. I still have many good years left but I don’t know what is coming up or how I will face it.

Maybe because we are living in our comfort zone that we didn’t realize that there is a big bad world outside. Or maybe because we close one eye and pretend that the world is not too cruel after all. Why should we be scared of something we didn’t know?

A friend said she didn’t want to wake up when she’s 40, and still do the same things she did a decade ago. Things she said hit the truth and pulled me back to real life. I can’t be wasting my time goyang kaki and living life as it is. Come on, I used to be so proactive and fresh with ideas. Friends were abundant and activities were never hard to find. Now, life is like a stale biscuit. I feel so small compared to rest of them. I am like a tiny drop of sweat in the bluest lake. I am ugly and smelly while the rest is beautiful and smooth.

Should I do something to change it? If I wait for things to materialise in front of me, then I will have a long wait because the way things are at the moment, it’s moving neither vertical nor horizontal.

Have no fear. Life is short. I want to discover a lot of things. My sense of adventure is screaming to me to do something but I haven’t been listening. I want to learn a new language, and perhaps go paragliding for once. I want to explore the world's treasures and Inca ruins, and contribute something back to my society.

Where is my inner strength when I need it most? In today's world, everything comes with a price. Commitment costs a fortune thus making it a puzzle whether it's worth my time. At the same time, I want to love and be loved. I want to have kids even if it means adopting. I want to be included but I am afraid of rejection. I want to conquer my fear but my steps are small. The worst of all, I am scared of the pain. Period. I don’t even know where to begin.