from a daughter to parents

When I was growing up, I never heard about gays and lesbians. My parents were clueless too, I think. I always felt different. I knew from an early age that I would never marry a man.

During primary school, at my young age, I developed crushes on many of the girls. I thought nothing of them. It wasn't until college when I finally learned what "gay" was. You may think that I grew up in some long ago decade, but surprisingly, I grew up in the late 1980s and 1990s. I was in the dark. I didn't accept myself until I was in my 30s, but by then a lot of damages have been done to the state of my mind.

My parents, however, have both long gone when I finally acknowledged myself so in a way I consider myself lucky. But there are too many youth and young women out there who are not so lucky.

I learned the harsh truth that love is not unconditional, there's always a "but" at the end of a sentence. Parents may claim to love us, but they love the person they think we were and the person they hope we will be.

silenced screams

A look from you is as blinding as the sun,
As stunning as your eyes I lose myself in.
A look from you is as pure as the clear blue sky,
As isolating and binding as the ties I'm in,
When I'm with you.

Every minute I'm not around you,
I feel like I left something behind.
Every time I'm not looking at you,
I feel like I am blind.

A smile from you is as electrifying as the moon,
As beautiful as the moonlight that shimmers off your skin.
A smile from you is as calming as the stars in the sky,
As cruelly wonderful as the world I'm in,
When I'm with you.

For you are the star in my life
An angel in the sky
What do I have to sacrifice?
For you, I would die.

I've tried, but I can't fly
No use, just hurting me more
You're my angel in the sky
Here I am, tied to the floor.

You leave me here, standing in the rain
You leave me here, staring at the sky
You leave me here, in darkness and pain
You leave me here, all alone to die.

I'm soaked in blood of shattered dreams
I'm drenched in tears of silenced screams
Looking at the stars in the sky
They're like scars, making me cry.

For you are the star in my life
You fell from the sky
What do I have to sacrifice?
For you, I die.

dearest

I sincerely hope that you are well and truly happy. I know you are such a vibrant, caring and positive person who loves your life. However I cannot say the same for myself.

I don’t know who I was anymore. You told me that you want me to find someone single and be happy. I don't have the yearning to find that person. You tell me now, what is the point of all that when I lost my anchor? I lost direction when you told me you don’t want me anymore. But still, I kept searching for your astonishingly beautiful eyes, your soft hands and your soothing voice so that you can guide me back to where I belong and get back all that I have lost. I still want the same.

You know me better than I know myself, so how can one let one’s soul mate getting lost without direction? I don’t know what happiness is anymore. I don’t laugh, I don’t joke and I don’t enjoy life like I did with you. You took away everything with you when you left me broken. I miss you terribly. I never stopped thinking about you every day, but knowing that you don’t want me and that you have someone new hurt even more. It was as if it just happened yesterday.

I still have the same intensity of feelings when I looked at you. You are the most attractive woman and surprisingly my body started shaking when I look at your photo. Silly me, I thought time will help. It might have helped you but it didn’t do one bit for me. I know. You don’t want to hear all these.

I was angry at you for giving up on me, for giving up on us. You’re my rock and you’re supposed to believe in me. But deep down I know it’s not your fault. I had all I ever wanted but things were against me. Not a single day has passed without me blaming myself for my own stupidity. On contrary to what you think, I don't have the desire to bring you down or ruin your life. I would rather bleed for you than see you go through it.

So, you told me you're in love. I am happy for you. No, I lie. I am miserable and I don't think it's fair that I suffer. But then again, you know that I will always do everything for you. Well, remember the phrase 'no problem'? I can only hope she appreciates you more than I do.

I guess I will continue my journey alone. I hope that I will never experience heartbreak ever again because I don't think I'll survive next time. At least I have myself and that's for forever. Now all I want is to find solace so that I can carry on living.

ironic

No more laughter. No more smiles. Since you left me.

Soul mates aren't we, but you casted me aside? And now you have another. Ironic isn't it?

In the beginning you kept saying that one day I would be the first to leave. Ironic, again, eh?

Help me God. I don't want to hurt anymore. I am tired. I wish I can tell my heart to stop feeling, but I can't. I can only continue living, hidden behind empty smiles.

I know you're happy, and I'm happy for you. I wish you no harms. I would rather bleed than hurt you. So, the knife twisted deeper.

the arms of sorrow

Imprisoned
Inside this mind
Hiding behind the empty smiles
So simple (the anguish)
As it mocks me
Crawling back into the dark
Running, always running into the distance
Stop me before I bleed, again
The echoes on my voice follow me down
The shadows I cast, follow me down

Deeper I am falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

There must be serenity
The echoes of my voice
Follow me down
The shadows I cast
Follow me down

Deeper I am falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

The demons of my own demise
This horror must not remain

Deeper I am falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow
There must be serenity
I will live this life!

W.Shakespeare

infinite sadness

I die on the day I was born.

My heart breaks in tiny million pieces. It never stopped. My shattered life and my broken dreams. I don't know who I am anymore.

Forever. Soulmate. Hah! Not mine. Everyone leaves. Let me be. So leave! Forget about me. Who fucking care? Not him, not her and definitely not you!

Kick me while I'm down, why don't you? Go on, be happy!

if

if lips are made for kissing,
why can't I kiss you?
If arms are made for holding,
why can't I hold you?
If voice are made for talking,
why can't I say my feelings?
If ears are made for listening,
why can't you listen to my heart?

crash and burn

I never thought that one day my heart would go through it again. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. You gave me heart and took me higher, then you crashed me and left me wounded.

How can I still love you? How can I never be mad at you? How can I still want you?

Please, please God save me.

go away

The pain is so great that I have no words for it. Days and nights I just wish for it to go.

I am not worth anything.

Pain. Just go away and leave me alone

defeated

The day I stop crying is the day that I don't have any emotions left. I am broken. I am alone.

All I want now was my mother. I want to cry in her arms, and for her to tell me things will be alright. God, please help me. I can't go on. How can you be cruel sending me away? I am in pain, mum.

don't let go of me

It's too late. That's what you said. There's no more chances for me. And I have to watch you go away while I'm fighting for my life.

lost

I have my days off during the week. Usually I would spend the whole day with you. These days I felt that you are so distant. You said that you would come to me but you didn't.

I felt like I'm losing you day by day. When I need you the most you're not there anymore. You're supposed to be my rock and my mentor. You're the person I looked up to. You're my inspiration, my best friend and my everything.

Without you I'm lost.

of pain

Sayang

I don't know why you subjected me to this pain. You haven't replied to my messages. You didn't answer my calls and you didn't reply to my emails. You have been ignoring me for the last few weeks.

I don't understand.

You said you love me. You said you can't live without me. You said you're forever mine. Then you told me it's over.

I am hurting now baby.

no words can describe what I feel

How can my heart breaks over and over? Why do this pain hurts so much?

So she's been kissed. By someone who knows that she already has me. Why? Do you feel trapped being with me? Do you want out? Do you not want to honour your love? Do you not want to be with me? Didn't you claim that I was your soulmate? Didn't you listen to all those things I confided in you? Didn't you say you can't live without me?

What am I now, baby?

of being terrified

Something has changed and I don't know what it was. I can feel it in my bones. She wanted to make new friends so I encouraged her. She needed it, and I wasn't going to deny her that. But I have these nagging feelings that I was gonna lose her.

God! I am scared. I am terrified.

waiting

It's been quite a while since I last wrote something here. And a lot of things have happened between then and now but the one thing for sure is that I am still together with the woman I love.

It is incredible to be able to say that you love someone that your heart actually hurt so much because you can't contain the feelings you have for her. She is the essence of my being and without her I'm crippled.

I feel a temporarily lost at the moment because she's on holiday for two weeks. It has been 8 days since I last heard from her. I can't wait for her to come back.

where's my girl?

It's lonely without you here. All the words I want to say are left unsaid and all the feelings I want to show are put on hold until you are back in my arms.

Happy Valentine's Day Sayang.

if I had

If I had the chance to hug you again,
I would hug you longer.

If I had the chance to kiss you again,
I would kiss you longer.

If I had the chance to hold you again,
I would hold you longer.

If I had the chance to walk with you again,
I would walk with you all day long.

If I had the chance to see you smile and hear you laugh again,
I would think of the funniest things I could think of to tell you,
Just to see you smile and hear you laugh.

If I had the chance to feel your love again,
I would spend every minute with you.

I would do all these things because
I love and miss you.

eight is the lucky number

November is almost here. I can't believe that time passes so quickly.

We have been together for more than 8 months. I also haven't seen her for 8 days. It is a horrible feeling not being able to see her or even talk to her.

Everything seems to be going alright for us. Then I slipped and made the same blunder again. I know I hurt her and I know she was feeling the stress and the burden of having a relationship with me.

I am so in love with her that I end up hurting her instead. Our relationship is complicated enough as it is, and she thinks I am trying to make it even more difficult by not trying to understand her situation.

So, here I am trying not to crowd her. I don't want to make her feel that she has to be responsible for me. I am not going to be a burden to her! All I want is to make her happy. My feelings, my wants and my needs are not relevant at this time. She's the most important person in my life and I don't want to disappoint her. As always I will put her first before anyone else and that is my pledge to my love.

a note to Sayang

"Dearest Sayang,

I am very sorry for subjecting you to this pain and hurt that I myself inflicted upon you. I promise I will try to have less demands. I will try to control my jealousy and the sharp feelings I get every time I think about the life you have without me.

I can't imagine my life without you and if I could only get a little piece of you I should be happy and grateful for your love. It should be enough and I have to learn not to be greedy in wanting more.

You have given me more than I could ever asked for. You have saved me, trusted me and gave me guidance in finding the way back to life. You believe in me and you care. And for all that you have shown and given I am humbled by your compassion and your love.

It is unfortunate that we fell in love under the circumstances. This is the hardest and the most grueling relationship ever faced by either one of us and with it comes the additional stress and pressure.

I know there were many times when you felt like quitting because the burden is too great to handle. I also know that it has crossed your mind that this relationship is not worth the risks you are taking. You have a great and wonderful life and it is something that is not worth giving up to be with me. I don't even have anything to offer to you because everything I have or everything that I am is out weighted by my shortcomings.

It is ironic that two weeks ago I asked you the meaning of the word peripheral. Today I accepted the fact that I am just a peripheral in your life even though I know you would say otherwise. I know sometimes you think I expect too much from you. Funny enough, last week after you spent the weekend with me, I realised you are not mine to begin with. Therefore I could not ask for more than what you can give.

I remember you once said that everyone is equal but some are more equal than the others. I did not get it at that time but when I looked at our situation I think it is slightly clearer to me now. We may be equal but we are not on the same page. I looked down at my feet to see myself and I looked into your face. You are far more sophisticated and intelligent and sometimes I feel intimidated because somehow I am not enough for you. This is something I have to work out and overcome.

In the next few years I may be still not enough or good for you but nothing can beat the feelings, the love and the hots I have for you. You are the one I give my heart to and the one I want to be with.

Regards,

Your Sayang"