empty space

You know how funny/weird/ironic it is that when you resolve something or you finally figured things out, you find that you have nothing much to say, anymore.

of my coming out story part 3

I began to struggle with my inner self and thinking perhaps I was having a mid-life crisis. 'This is shit!' I told myself. No one has a mid-life crisis in their mid 20s! I needed to start anew.

Up until then, I have to say that I was not interested in men and never had any boyfriends, but thinking that I should conform to the society, I found myself going out with them. I tried to create interests and give plenty of attention. Time and again, I forced myself but it never went any further. The interest just wasn't there and as soon as I got home from the dates I forgot all about them. It never crossed my mind to even think of them in a romantic way.

I enjoy being friends with men and having them as good company but attracted to them? No. Envisioning the rest of my life spent with any of them? No. Putting up with their behaviors and the typical manly characteristics? No, thank you! Married with white picket fences and 2.5 kids? Definitely a no no. I do not want to conform to what the society deems as the right thing to do. I don't want to get married just because that is expected of me. I was fucking miserable, and I don't think it was fair to make other people's life as painful as mine.

Yes, I've tried to be what I thought was expected of me, lived the life that had been modeled to me by those I knew. But deep down I knew it didn't fit. In 2004 I went through the bleakest and most difficult time of my life. I was depressed, suffering from anxiety attacks, had zero confidence, low self-esteem and suicidal.

Since I arrived in the UK, I kept to myself. I didn't feel like befriending new people and only knew the people I used to work with. To be brutally frank, I hated the narrow-minded and judgmental people especially the Malays. The angst in me was at full blown, even a few bloggers I met could sense the vibe at that time. Yet, I can't avoid my family even though I tried to keep minimal contacts with them. My sister tried to introduce me to a few of her friends' brothers and I even had a marriage proposal, which I turned down. Oh how I dreaded thinking about the subject!

There was a couple of times The Mentor mentioned about me finding a man, but with her I could just shrugged away and pushed it to the back of my mind. There was not too much pressure from her. However, after gentle and persistent prodding and genuine interest in my life, slowly, I was able to talk and open up bits and pieces of me. I found myself telling her the things that were on my mind, which I couldn't express and never uttered to anyone before.

For some odd reason I wanted to be perfect and invisible. I didn't want people to see me as weak and needy, and as a wimp but somehow I knew there's nothing I could do about it. I don't have what other people have, so I thought my life was shit and not complete.

To be honest, I didn't understand what I was going through. How odd it was that some parts of me were still green and naive. Yet, at the back of my mind I knew it had something to do with my sexual orientation. I felt so depressed, guilty, scared and angry all the time, but most of all I felt very lonely. The loneliness was devastating; sometimes I curled up in bed and didn't move for hours or didn't go out for days.

In the midst of all these, I struggled with how to reconcile the reality with a faith that totally rejected and shunned people like me. In my mind, I failed myself and I was a disgrace to the family. Only God knows how I survived and lived with that thought.

A wonderful Swedish getaway

of this weekend

One application on Facebook says this about me:

"A geek from the word go, you are brilliant at all the difficult and tech stuff. You excel at anything techy. It's sometimes difficult for you to find a company of people worth spending time with. Which is probably why you have planned to take over the world with your self made robots!"

Hah! What bollocks! I says loads of bollocks.

But I do feel absolutely fab! Happy as I can be.

With the sunshine and fine weather, good friends to entertain, dinner with a lovely company and great salsa night what more could a girl ask?

of my coming out story part 2

I sailed through college without a boyfriend, and not wanting one at all. Though I did develop a close friendship with another girl, I thought it was just normal for girls to have that kind of bond with their friends.

I remember there was a paper we had to write about homosexuality but I still had no idea what it really was. As it happened, the friendship didn’t go any further as I felt claustrophobic and trapped with her neediness. So these feelings I had for girls completely and totally slipped my mind.

Furthermore, I had other demons to battle with at that time. I had to deal with the death of my mother, relocating myself to a foreign country and the shock that my father remarried less than 6 months later. As I blamed myself for the unfortunate death, I felt all the guilts were on me and was totally lost, angry and hurt.

I was young and didn't know any better. The way I saw it, I was coping well. I had my attention on things that were gothic, mystery and grotesque, and for a while there I even started to look like one. I made sure that the things I did were out of the ordinary, unexpected and slightly odd. Druid, satanic cult, emo, pagan, witchcraft, tarot, you just name it, I was interested. But it never lasted long enough. I was unbelievably lost.

I love being in the company of people, but there I was isolating myself, in my little world, trying to find a solid ground below or a hand to hold but I never managed to grab one. I was hiding and, at the same time, protecting myself from being hurt again. I always felt that I was there for people when they need me but at the same time, I can't help feeling all alone fighting for my survival. I always held back what was on my mind and never spoke of any sorrows. I pushed people away and refused to let anyone get close. I wanted to run as far as I could. Still, I didn’t know what I was running from or where I was running to.

It was only at the beginning of my so-called adult life that I found myself falling hopelessly in love, with a woman. And ironically, I didn’t even know that it was love. Like it or not, she filled my mind for the next few years and there was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. I felt that I finally had found something or someone to live for. I was feeling all sort of emotions and wanted to change for the best. I would have gone to the moon and back if she had asked.

Sadly, I was just a phase she was going through at that moment. I was devastated and it was way too excruciating to watch her leave. But leave she did.

of being scared

I am temporarily insane

now I show you vulnerabilities
you see things I cannot do

now I tell you weaknesses
you see not my capabilities

now I bear my soul to you
you only see meekness

I'm not the person you thought you knew

of my coming out story part 1

Growing up, I always knew that I was different, but I just didn't have a grasp on why and what set me apart from everyone else.

My teenage years were quite happy ones, yet a little stormy sometimes. Even though I was a well-behaved child and never had problems at school, deep down I was a rebel. I was a little rascal and went through stages of hatred and anger at things in general. However, I could never put my fingers on what it was that triggered my restlessness.

When my friends were checking out the boys from St. Michael or KSAH, I pretended to be interested and did the same when in fact I didn't feel an iota of feeling towards the male gender. I have always had an infatuation with women since I was a little girl. I only liked and obsessed over women performers and women actors, but I usually ended up putting posters of guys over the walls in my room because it was the 'normal' or 'right' thing to do. In a way I thought that if I had them on my walls, I would start developing some kind of attraction towards the opposite sex.

I was thinking that when I got a little older, this phase would pass and I would fall totally in love with a man. I even found myself studying relationships around me between boys and girls and wondered if I'd be fortunate enough to have a boyfriend one day.

Nevertheless, all the while I never stop having crushes on girls. I didn't know what it was but I did know how terrified I was, and the indescribable worry that I like girls more than I like boys. I had no knowledge of such thing as gay people. There was no talk among my high school peers and there certainly were no talk shows, no films or no internet to help better my understanding of such emotions.

I prayed to God, sobbing, and thinking it was the worst fate to ever be forced upon anyone. Not to mention the fact if dear mother found out, God only knows what layer of hell would be unleashed and set upon my frail teen soul.

of coming back to my senses

How the heck did I suddenly write about political correctness and stuff? That is so not me. For awhile there I thought I sounded quite intelligent and had become a feminist. Er, not! Please can someone slap some senses back into my brain!?

Today I think I sounded more like the village idiot. It must have been because I had so much time on my hands. Thank goodness I'm back at work tomorrow.

I never took myself seriously and I'm not about to start the new year that way either. For all I know, I live in the playfulness of the moment, whatever that means.

2007 has been a turbulent but exciting year for me. I wish and pray for a playful yet happy 2008!

Notes for next entry: Is it ok for a 35-year old to date a 24-year old? Lame, I know, but mmm...

By the way

Happy New Year everyone! May you have lots of love, happiness and prosperity in 2008

of my very long views, more like a letter to the editor

A friend alerted me on the article in Harian Metro. I can't help but feeling sad and angry after reading it. Since it hits home and about who I am, I guess it's appropriate for me to express my opinion.

Dear Norainon Othman,
Harian Metro

I read your article about same sex relationship after a friend alerted me about it. Based on your writing, I take it that you don’t have a friend who is gay or know any gay people close enough to discuss the matter. But that’s ok because to write something you should know you subject matter, which I presumed you did a research beforehand.

Unfortunately, I have to say that I am disappointed after reading it. Obviously when you wrote that you would like to dig deep into this issue, I assumed that you would go back to basics and provide interesting insights. I am not a writer but how lame it is when I noticed that you failed the fundamental element of writing. There were no scientific or even academic studies cited to prove your points. All that present were the interviews with some government officials or some sort and even that were cited without statistics. The fact that you only wrote one side of the story and did not offer a perspective from the lesbian side makes your article less credential that it is already.

By the way, if you do interview lesbians, please make sure they are credible enough to offer mature and intelligent statements. Not just some kids who aren’t sure what they want and just wasting their life pretending to themselves and to the world that this is the lifestyle they want. But I guess it would be hard to find one because no lesbians in their right mind would risk talking to you.

I’m in awe when the Chairman of Sidim, someone who I assumed to be educated as he holds a high position, mentioned that animals don’t have a same sex relationship. Perhaps he and you would like to check with Oregon Health and Science University School of Medicine about one of the studies that confirmed that brain anatomy and hormone production play some parts behind the homosexuality found in sheep. Have you heard the news about Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins at the Central Park Zoo in New York? They made headlines when they, along with six other same-sex couples among penguins, were discovered. The same thing happened at Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen, Germany in 2005. I think it’s sufficient to say that there are many more examples of gay animals. You should dig them out you know. It’s your job after all.

President of Pekemas dares mentioned that this issue stem from the influences of pornography from CDs and Internet. This actually shocks me. What is this? Some kind of jokes? Have you seen a pornographic video of two women having sex, Ms Norainon? It is a disgrace and disgusting to watch, let alone to even suggest that this is one of the reasons women became a lesbian. Sex scenes in these videos are so downright dirty and demeaning to all women that they will actually turn you off and make you puke. These videos are for sick-minded and sex-starved men who can’t do much but fantasize about what they can’t have.

There may be some truth in the claim that some women who were terribly affected by the trauma or abuse in their life could develop an attachment to other women over times but that doesn't mean that they are gay, be it sexually or not. That's only because of the security and emotional needs that were provided by these other women. However, a lot of gay people also grew up in a happy and healthy surrounding as demonstrated by a few of my friends. Thus, the root of homosexuality can’t be pinpointed to just psychological reasons but also biological ones.

But it is absurd and laughable to say that some women become a lesbian because they do not want their freedom taken away by men. Do you know that many modern women prefer to be singles but are not lesbians!? Some single women prefer to have a male fuck buddy instead of a husband. And some gay women prefer to be single without being in a relationship. Believe it or not, we lead a solitary yet satisfied life. We may have feelings for women, but it doesn’t mean we have to act on it.

By suggesting that the government do something to prevent it from spreading, do you think it’s some sort of a disease or something that can be cured? Existing syariah law doesn’t stop married people from committing adultery or prevent people from having sex out of wedlock. And existing law also doesn’t stop the children from being molested by sick paedophiles. What make you think that the law can stop the world from being cursed by God already? And what makes you think that a law can stop someone from being a lesbian? It’s not like a woman could just wake up one day and decide to break the law by being a lesbian. Duh!

“Oh by the way mum, today I decide to be a lesbian just to annoy you and dad!” Or, “I got my heart broken and I hate men, so today I will turn lesbian.” What a funny notion. Where do you live, Norainon? It doesn't happen overnight. People can’t just switch on and off their sexuality to suit their need. And just for the record, women don't become a lesbian. We either are or aren't.

It looks to me that homosexuals are being treated like a third class citizen even though we contribute to the wellbeing of the country just as everyone else. Just look at some of the female engineers at Petronas, Shell or whatever. I bet my life that some are lesbians. What about some government officials or the people in the medical professions? Think about sportswomen, lawyers, lecturers or even politicians. Do you punish us all for being a lesbian? Do you oppress and discriminate us just because of our sexual preference? Does it make any difference to our work performance if you knew with whom we perform in bed?

Stop this bigotry and open your ears. I’m sure you don’t do that to any heterosexuals as that is deemed inappropriate and unprofessional. So what makes you think you can do that to homosexuals? At least we are intelligent enough to adopt the US Army motto of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell or else we would be oppressed and humiliated beyond repair.

The truth is we know rights from wrongs. By all means do provide support, counseling and religious classes for those who seek help. But you don’t have to lay blames and condemn us because we ourselves have been surrounded by guilt since forever. Please don’t add any more complication to our already complicated life. You are just going to drive us deeper underground.