Six o'clock in the morning and I was already on the road to somewhere. Dark and cold, I had to turn up the heater to its max. I wish I don't have to do this everyday, but it's what I ended up doing anyway *sigh*
Sometimes I like driving, with a purpose or just for the sake of getting out of the house. Let me tell you, driving in London is very challenging. I remember the first time I had to drive a van to send something to some customers. Since my old van was not so little like the current one, I was so terribly traumatised. So many narrow streets, one way alleys or restricted areas. Geez! All the while, one hand on the steering wheel and the other was flipping the London A-Z. My eyes, oh god! were so wild scanning the streets and the pages at the same time and I was sweating like a pig. It's a wonder I didn't hit someone's car. So, I understand when someone mentioned about being 'keras' on the road. Now and then, I feel uneasy but it's no longer a nightmare. During that panic-stricken period, not once did I ever be at the receiving end of other drivers' wrath. They let me change lanes and give way whenever I missed a turning. No question about stopping at a zebra crossing and never failed to put up their hands to thank you when I gave them the right of way. I can say it was the same situation in the States. Me, being a typical Malaysian driver with bad manners, (who was used to 'cilok sini, cilok sana' in the streets of KL with my Kancil) finally succumbed to this driving etiquette. I have no qualms letting a few cars go in front of me when we were stuck in a queue. I did the same when I went back to KL but my metro friends thought I was nuts.
In KL, drivers 'tak kasi chan punye', they will try to stay as close as possible to the front car. If you try to 'cilok', you're sure gonna get cursed. Try it and I am pretty sure most drivers will mutter 'Bodoh punye driver' to you. You get all sorts of comments 'driver lembab', 'terhegeh-hegeh macam lembu' etc. In the end, you just have to follow what other drivers do. Join the race. At the traffic light, don't forget to speed up when it changes to yellow. If there are just two lanes, create another one because you're too cool to stay behind. Bus lanes are not just for buses, private cars and lorries are allowed. Man! I can make a list of many more offences but I'm not going to bother. It irritates me so much. Fines are not working at all. RM300 for an offence can be reduced to RM30 if you know someone who knows someone. I tell you what, since I live in the UK, I have been fined about 5 times because my devilish driving attitude cropped up. And since May, I have been donating hundreds of £ to the Mayor of London because I bloody forgot to pay the congestion charge. I vow never again to be so kind. I declare I am a reformed driver. I'm sure you will change too after having to fork out 100 quid for nothing. Some rules are made to be broken, but not the street rules in London. I do not want to be caught in action again. By the way, do you know there are more than 5000 speed cameras in England and as many as 200,000 cctv in London alone? The spies are everywhere.
Friday, 29 October 2004
Thursday, 28 October 2004
I am no judge
My day was full with mixed feelings. Sad, confused, happy and maybe a little envy. I was told that I am being judgmental over something that I know nothing about. True, I may not know the whole situation but since when an observation becomes a judgement? I agree if you say I have no right to say whose the right or wrong party, and I will shake your hand if you tell me to mind my own business.
That, however doesn't stop me for having my own opinion or for stating the events that happened chronologically. No disrespect was intended but I am sad because things have been misquoted. And things I didn't say were added. Why can't we get it right? People make mistakes all the time, and because of that we grow wiser instead of just older. We learn. I learn from a lot of different people. It's the way to humor and color my life. If I made mistakes, I want to be able to say it out loud. Nothing to fear for because I know I will not die of it. I may be embarrassed but that will slowly pass. (I never thought I could say that. I used to be scared like shit)
Relief is such a great feeling when things you keep inside stumbled out. One thing I know for sure today, is that my bloody gate opened and feelings have been pouring out of me. I am still trying to find my inner strength to guide me to this life journey. And I am sooo bloody grateful for friends who never got tired of lending me their supports (that got me sobbing ridiculously). They may be in a Far Far Away Land but I have them so close in my battered heart.
That, however doesn't stop me for having my own opinion or for stating the events that happened chronologically. No disrespect was intended but I am sad because things have been misquoted. And things I didn't say were added. Why can't we get it right? People make mistakes all the time, and because of that we grow wiser instead of just older. We learn. I learn from a lot of different people. It's the way to humor and color my life. If I made mistakes, I want to be able to say it out loud. Nothing to fear for because I know I will not die of it. I may be embarrassed but that will slowly pass. (I never thought I could say that. I used to be scared like shit)
Relief is such a great feeling when things you keep inside stumbled out. One thing I know for sure today, is that my bloody gate opened and feelings have been pouring out of me. I am still trying to find my inner strength to guide me to this life journey. And I am sooo bloody grateful for friends who never got tired of lending me their supports (that got me sobbing ridiculously). They may be in a Far Far Away Land but I have them so close in my battered heart.
Wednesday, 27 October 2004
Bi-curious
Sexual orientation puzzles me the most. For the record, I have nothing against homosexuality. I have friends who are gay and happy with their choices, and I have friends who think they may be gay but not quite sure. Thinking about this, I might belong to one of these groups (the not-quite-sure one) :) Well, women in this century are being offered more choices each day. The old fashioned men are fast disappearing (though there are some still lurking around if you're lucky), more men are becoming soft and less macho, more women look like Alex Parks and truthfully, women need women to understand themselves. And vice versa. Oh for f**k sake! Can't you blame a woman if she desires and wants to sleep with Angelina Jolie, voted the sexiest woman on earth. She's a goddess!
In almost every tabloid, you'll see a lot of ads offering or looking for people to satisfy the bi-curious minded. So maybe you'll decide to take the plunge and join them. Went out for a date and 2 hours later, tangled between the sheets. Once may not be enough to decide on your sexuality. So, here goes another attempt and another. With the ever-increasing number of bi-curious, when do they become a Full Blown Lesbian or Gay? Once can be written off as to satisfy the curiosity, twice just checking, but what about when you're getting into double and triple figures? When do you stop and decide that you had enough? Maybe it's addictive and you can never had enough. Or blame it all down to the late-night Bacardi Breezer-fuelled liaisons. Do you feel any guilt?
I don't have the answer and even if I do, I might not have the correct one. It's very subjective. A friend asked me a few questions just to check whether I'm a lesbian, straight or still in the stage of bi-curious after a few frantic text messages to her.
1. Who do you fancy most, Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston? BP as I don't think Aniston is that gorgeous.
2. Do you like Indiana Jones or Boys Don't Cry? Goodness me, BDC is a very good movie, how can that be a decider?
3. Do you want to sleep with every woman you see? No, only Jolie and D. Barrymore. (added Nov 9th 2005: Jacinta Barret, Charlize Theron)
So, she concluded that I am free of my fear. Because according to her, every man and woman wants to sleep with Jolie and Barrymore and that I'm a nutcase to think that JA is not gorgeous since all other women envy her for snapping BP. I rest my case for now.
In almost every tabloid, you'll see a lot of ads offering or looking for people to satisfy the bi-curious minded. So maybe you'll decide to take the plunge and join them. Went out for a date and 2 hours later, tangled between the sheets. Once may not be enough to decide on your sexuality. So, here goes another attempt and another. With the ever-increasing number of bi-curious, when do they become a Full Blown Lesbian or Gay? Once can be written off as to satisfy the curiosity, twice just checking, but what about when you're getting into double and triple figures? When do you stop and decide that you had enough? Maybe it's addictive and you can never had enough. Or blame it all down to the late-night Bacardi Breezer-fuelled liaisons. Do you feel any guilt?
I don't have the answer and even if I do, I might not have the correct one. It's very subjective. A friend asked me a few questions just to check whether I'm a lesbian, straight or still in the stage of bi-curious after a few frantic text messages to her.
1. Who do you fancy most, Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston? BP as I don't think Aniston is that gorgeous.
2. Do you like Indiana Jones or Boys Don't Cry? Goodness me, BDC is a very good movie, how can that be a decider?
3. Do you want to sleep with every woman you see? No, only Jolie and D. Barrymore. (added Nov 9th 2005: Jacinta Barret, Charlize Theron)
So, she concluded that I am free of my fear. Because according to her, every man and woman wants to sleep with Jolie and Barrymore and that I'm a nutcase to think that JA is not gorgeous since all other women envy her for snapping BP. I rest my case for now.
Bohemian Malay
Looking back over all the things I did the last few years, I wonder the wisdom of them and what I get out of that. When? What? How? Where? and most importantly Why?
I don't know when exactly I started having the feeling that I have to get away. Away from family, from Malaysia, from my friends. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Having had an American way of education, it wasn't enough just to settle for something less. I knew my home country is going through a modernisation period and she could offer me a lot. Nevertheless, I long for my freedom of expression, free thinking and basically to do as I please, but we are still a long way from that. I wasn't the typical Malay girl who giggles at every comments and act like 'malu malu kucing'* They can't decide for themselves what they want and instead always go for the easy way, 'apa apa je lah' Gosh! Make up your mind! Stand on your own principles. Be firm and have your own mind. Most of them lack these values. I cannot stand these people. Please, get them out of my sight. So I flee.
What? is a very broad subject and hard to approach. What have I done with my life? What have I accomplished? What is/are my regret/s? What the hell do I think I'm doing? Nothing, really. I know I travelled to the cultured cities, appreciate no-nonsense art, get stoned in a drug-free country, enjoy fresh outlook on life and moved to the coolest living space. Does that makes me who I am now? I've been there, done that but I still think that I'm stupid. Well, maybe not stupid but naive. People can still trick me into believing the unbelievable. I sometimes still believe that the money-making con chain letters work. Me? A so-called educated being. Judging from my accomplishment, I have done nothing else but questioning my sanity.
How am I supposed to know how I got to where I am now? By plane, landed at Manchester Airport and I have never been quite the same again.
Here I am, still standing on my feet. Oh! Where my heart is, now that's different issue altogether. My heart hasn't got time to settle in one place just yet. One moment my heart tells me to go home and another time, it wants me to go gallivanting round the globe. As if I have the means to do so. My heart is as free and easy as I am.
For the sanity of my own mind, I have to do what I'm doing now. I have to be my own self and if I'm robbed of it, my world will collapse. Just to survive, I have to be away from my family, my friends and my home. I don't miss them that much now but when I do, it hits me like a bullet. Painful and suffering. It toughened me up so I can get on with the cruel life.
What is bohemian, anyway? Just a word that doesn't really describe me. I don't think I want to be labelled bohemian because I am conservative in some ways, liberal in others. Not very artistic, a little unconventional maybe an oddball. Who knows? I can't even decide what I am half of the time.
I don't know when exactly I started having the feeling that I have to get away. Away from family, from Malaysia, from my friends. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Having had an American way of education, it wasn't enough just to settle for something less. I knew my home country is going through a modernisation period and she could offer me a lot. Nevertheless, I long for my freedom of expression, free thinking and basically to do as I please, but we are still a long way from that. I wasn't the typical Malay girl who giggles at every comments and act like 'malu malu kucing'* They can't decide for themselves what they want and instead always go for the easy way, 'apa apa je lah' Gosh! Make up your mind! Stand on your own principles. Be firm and have your own mind. Most of them lack these values. I cannot stand these people. Please, get them out of my sight. So I flee.
What? is a very broad subject and hard to approach. What have I done with my life? What have I accomplished? What is/are my regret/s? What the hell do I think I'm doing? Nothing, really. I know I travelled to the cultured cities, appreciate no-nonsense art, get stoned in a drug-free country, enjoy fresh outlook on life and moved to the coolest living space. Does that makes me who I am now? I've been there, done that but I still think that I'm stupid. Well, maybe not stupid but naive. People can still trick me into believing the unbelievable. I sometimes still believe that the money-making con chain letters work. Me? A so-called educated being. Judging from my accomplishment, I have done nothing else but questioning my sanity.
How am I supposed to know how I got to where I am now? By plane, landed at Manchester Airport and I have never been quite the same again.
Here I am, still standing on my feet. Oh! Where my heart is, now that's different issue altogether. My heart hasn't got time to settle in one place just yet. One moment my heart tells me to go home and another time, it wants me to go gallivanting round the globe. As if I have the means to do so. My heart is as free and easy as I am.
For the sanity of my own mind, I have to do what I'm doing now. I have to be my own self and if I'm robbed of it, my world will collapse. Just to survive, I have to be away from my family, my friends and my home. I don't miss them that much now but when I do, it hits me like a bullet. Painful and suffering. It toughened me up so I can get on with the cruel life.
What is bohemian, anyway? Just a word that doesn't really describe me. I don't think I want to be labelled bohemian because I am conservative in some ways, liberal in others. Not very artistic, a little unconventional maybe an oddball. Who knows? I can't even decide what I am half of the time.
Sunday, 24 October 2004
The most talked about subject in the world could possibly be relationship. Relationship between a man and woman, brother and sister, lovers or even the people who we can't stand. It's weird how we can talk about it for hours and still getting nowhere. So I classified relationship as a battle that requires a lot of energy and mental toughness and only the strongest survives.
A very good friend of mine asked last night if I had some time to spare and listen to him. Well, for him I always make time. Recently, he went through a tough time when his GF of 5 years suddenly dumped him out of the blue. No explanation, no reasons, no chance to get back together. It would have been easy if he could just brush it off as a phase in his life but it's kinda hard since he actually love her and can't live without her. It's scary to think that when you fall in love, you surrender your heart and soul to the other person. You become too dependent and everything revolves round him or her. What's even scarier is you don't actually know whether your other half gives as much as you do. Hey, don't get me wrong. I like love and I want to be in love, to have somebody who loves me as much as I love him and be equal. But, does that mean we also give the power to them to slice our hearts to pieces?
This guy was miserable for weeks about a few months ago. He can't stop crying and can't even speak clearly. He saw a romance novel lying around my room, he cried. He saw lovebirds (real birds) on the electric cables, he cried. And believe me he cried at everything. I feel sorry for him for a number of reasons.
1) She doesn't want him as much as he wants her.
2) He's getting skinnier (he is already thin)
3) He lost his energy, since it was wasted on crying
4) She probably moved on with another guy
5) He was hoping to win her back
To tell the truth, I didn't think he'd has a chance to get her back. In the first place, why should he wants her back? It happened twice before. But because she can't bear seeing him grieving they were together again. Anyway, I thought it was over and he's getting on with his life again. Time will heal, people say. Unfortunately not for him. It was a lot harder to get on with life. He can't forget about her and all he wants is the witch. Well, she's not a real witch. To me, she just likes to keep to herself, very sarcastic, a bit selfish, occasionally fly on her broomstick and doesn't really care about other people's feeling. Basically, she could be called..mmm..a bitch? Isn't there a time when we all feel selfish and care only about ourselves? Meaning we all are bitches too, then.
So last night we started talking again about this and the odd thing is that they remain friends. How many of us remain friends with our exs? I mean good friends. This guy still call and talk to his ex for hours sometimes, he doesn't try to get her back but he just chat to her like a good friend would. Oh, they talked about what happened at work, his family, his ambitions, her work, her new life. I guess they talked about everyday things in life. The thing is this guy is great. He's sensitive, loyal, caring and funny. People just love him and he made no enemies. Yet, he couldn't understand why she doesn't want him. I can't say I know why but I guess I can't blame the witch if the chemistry is not there anymore. The point is, he told me he needs her to help him get over it. How odd, when it's she who caused all this chaos in his life. I find it weird and I keep telling him it's not the norm. When people broke up, they get out of each other life. Vanished, never to be seen again. His answer was 'I'm not most people and I don't care what people do'. I, on the other hand, said nothing. So, it was left hanging without us getting anywhere.
A very good friend of mine asked last night if I had some time to spare and listen to him. Well, for him I always make time. Recently, he went through a tough time when his GF of 5 years suddenly dumped him out of the blue. No explanation, no reasons, no chance to get back together. It would have been easy if he could just brush it off as a phase in his life but it's kinda hard since he actually love her and can't live without her. It's scary to think that when you fall in love, you surrender your heart and soul to the other person. You become too dependent and everything revolves round him or her. What's even scarier is you don't actually know whether your other half gives as much as you do. Hey, don't get me wrong. I like love and I want to be in love, to have somebody who loves me as much as I love him and be equal. But, does that mean we also give the power to them to slice our hearts to pieces?
This guy was miserable for weeks about a few months ago. He can't stop crying and can't even speak clearly. He saw a romance novel lying around my room, he cried. He saw lovebirds (real birds) on the electric cables, he cried. And believe me he cried at everything. I feel sorry for him for a number of reasons.
1) She doesn't want him as much as he wants her.
2) He's getting skinnier (he is already thin)
3) He lost his energy, since it was wasted on crying
4) She probably moved on with another guy
5) He was hoping to win her back
To tell the truth, I didn't think he'd has a chance to get her back. In the first place, why should he wants her back? It happened twice before. But because she can't bear seeing him grieving they were together again. Anyway, I thought it was over and he's getting on with his life again. Time will heal, people say. Unfortunately not for him. It was a lot harder to get on with life. He can't forget about her and all he wants is the witch. Well, she's not a real witch. To me, she just likes to keep to herself, very sarcastic, a bit selfish, occasionally fly on her broomstick and doesn't really care about other people's feeling. Basically, she could be called..mmm..a bitch? Isn't there a time when we all feel selfish and care only about ourselves? Meaning we all are bitches too, then.
So last night we started talking again about this and the odd thing is that they remain friends. How many of us remain friends with our exs? I mean good friends. This guy still call and talk to his ex for hours sometimes, he doesn't try to get her back but he just chat to her like a good friend would. Oh, they talked about what happened at work, his family, his ambitions, her work, her new life. I guess they talked about everyday things in life. The thing is this guy is great. He's sensitive, loyal, caring and funny. People just love him and he made no enemies. Yet, he couldn't understand why she doesn't want him. I can't say I know why but I guess I can't blame the witch if the chemistry is not there anymore. The point is, he told me he needs her to help him get over it. How odd, when it's she who caused all this chaos in his life. I find it weird and I keep telling him it's not the norm. When people broke up, they get out of each other life. Vanished, never to be seen again. His answer was 'I'm not most people and I don't care what people do'. I, on the other hand, said nothing. So, it was left hanging without us getting anywhere.
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