promises, we break them; and memories, they break us

I thought I was doing better in getting over her. In a way I guess I am a lot better than early this year, but I can’t just bury the feeling and be totally numb, can I?


Last night I came back from meeting a friend and I felt sad and melancholic. It was as if the progress I made at trying to forget that she was ever in my life was halted. It felt like it was only yesterday everything happened and that my world collapsed.

My friend told me of his current love life with some women, and I found that he was in exactly the same situation I was with The One Who Thinks I Was Better Off With A Single Woman. Phew!(TOWTIWBOWASW). I told him that he should be prepared with the obstacles that will come his way and that he knows what to expect from them. I also admitted to him that even though my relationship with TOWTIWBOWASW was the most complicated one, I had such good memories of us together and I loved her with everything that I have.

And it didn’t help that today I decided to give her a call because believe it or not I needed to talk to her. She was my friend first and foremost, then lover and now an ex. I always stand by my word that I couldn’t stay friends with exes but she insisted that she wants to continue our friendship. Who am I to say no to her? Even though it hurts I could never deny her anything. She is my best friend and soul mate, and I knew that I can’t live without her.

So, here I was trying to be indifference to her and continued talking as if we didn’t have a bad break up. She knew what she had done to me and admitted that she feels bad and punishes herself for hurting me. Ah well, what can one say to that? Water under the bridge. And at the end of the day, she is now happy and has gone and got herself a new girlfriend. I want to be above all of that and I am tired of being angry with myself and with her. What’s left of me? Nothing, I guess. They’re all gone.

The sad thing is that I pretended to be cool and cheerful and not affected by her actions. Yet, deep down I am still hurting. I didn’t want to cry but it was a helpless situation. Alone on my bed and accompanied by silence and darkness, my tears started falling on my cheeks after I put the phone down. I thought about her and about the memories I had with her. And I thought oh how cruel life and love have treated me. Nevertheless, when the time comes I know I will forgive her.