diversion and jealousy

I have a nasty streak that surfaced every once in a while. She's even worried that one day I might lose control over it and would use it just to leash out and strike her just because I was hurt. How could she think that I would do such thing to someone I love? She doesn't know that I would spare her all the hurt if I could, and I thought she knew me better.

Yes I am jealous. Isn't it natural to be jealous because you love someone? But I am all cock-and-bull false bravado. I would prefer to suffer on my own and rot to die.

Who am I to say anything? I can't even claim her as mine. She loves another, but to say that I am not jealous would be the understatement of the century.

So, what's left to do but for me to think that I am just an aberration or just a detour from her normal life. Something new and something exciting to spice up in life. I am trying to convince myself that all she wants is just an escape from all that pressure she has from work and family commitment. Everyone expects too much from her so she comes to me just to be herself and release that tension. I am sure when she had enough, she'd leave.

Some people often indulge themselves in some kind of forbidden thing, but when they lose interest it would be all over and they'd move on. Who knows, right?

the troublemaker

The feeling I have for her is getting stronger and stronger everyday.

If I don't hear her voice I would feel restless. At times I feel guilty for making her have feelings for me. She would have never went for me if she knew my real orientation. Maybe that knowledge somehow influenced her emotion towards me.

I can't help but thinking I'm the troublemaker here.

lies and excuses

Everything is so messed up. My life is taking a different turn and it seems to have make me confused. I can't even say the right words or do the right things. Words that came out of me seems to hurt her and I don't know how to make it better. To her they're all like poison.

She says I'm full of lies and excuses. Maybe I did lie because it's like second nature because if you're used to lying you just can't get rid of the habit overnight. But it wasn't my intention to hurt her at all.

On the other hand, sometimes my lies are to prevent or avoid confrontation. It's in me that I hate argument and I don't like being stuck in a heated conversation. I don't want to hurt anyone and I know I don't like her to be unhappy. I'd rather it was me that's hurting and suffering it all than seeing someone I love and care so much being upset and hurt.

you think you know

I always thought I know what kind of woman I want as a girlfriend. Passionate, thoughtful and caring. I also thought I want someone who is shy and weak that I could take care of. I thought I am the strong one hence the criteria.

When I watched the L Word, I used to fancy the socks of Bette but I didn't think she was my type. It never crossed my mind that all these while what I needed is the strong-willed and an alpha female to bring me back to reality. Another criterion that I overlooked was the status because just like everyone else I assumed that most women are single and unattached. Until I found my love.

I never realised that she was right in front of my eyes. I was oblivious to her feeling towards me. In my defence it's all down to a huge barrier between us. I knew I had some feelings for her but I also knew that she's everything I want and I can't have.