eight is the lucky number

November is almost here. I can't believe that time passes so quickly.

We have been together for more than 8 months. I also haven't seen her for 8 days. It is a horrible feeling not being able to see her or even talk to her.

Everything seems to be going alright for us. Then I slipped and made the same blunder again. I know I hurt her and I know she was feeling the stress and the burden of having a relationship with me.

I am so in love with her that I end up hurting her instead. Our relationship is complicated enough as it is, and she thinks I am trying to make it even more difficult by not trying to understand her situation.

So, here I am trying not to crowd her. I don't want to make her feel that she has to be responsible for me. I am not going to be a burden to her! All I want is to make her happy. My feelings, my wants and my needs are not relevant at this time. She's the most important person in my life and I don't want to disappoint her. As always I will put her first before anyone else and that is my pledge to my love.

a note to Sayang

"Dearest Sayang,

I am very sorry for subjecting you to this pain and hurt that I myself inflicted upon you. I promise I will try to have less demands. I will try to control my jealousy and the sharp feelings I get every time I think about the life you have without me.

I can't imagine my life without you and if I could only get a little piece of you I should be happy and grateful for your love. It should be enough and I have to learn not to be greedy in wanting more.

You have given me more than I could ever asked for. You have saved me, trusted me and gave me guidance in finding the way back to life. You believe in me and you care. And for all that you have shown and given I am humbled by your compassion and your love.

It is unfortunate that we fell in love under the circumstances. This is the hardest and the most grueling relationship ever faced by either one of us and with it comes the additional stress and pressure.

I know there were many times when you felt like quitting because the burden is too great to handle. I also know that it has crossed your mind that this relationship is not worth the risks you are taking. You have a great and wonderful life and it is something that is not worth giving up to be with me. I don't even have anything to offer to you because everything I have or everything that I am is out weighted by my shortcomings.

It is ironic that two weeks ago I asked you the meaning of the word peripheral. Today I accepted the fact that I am just a peripheral in your life even though I know you would say otherwise. I know sometimes you think I expect too much from you. Funny enough, last week after you spent the weekend with me, I realised you are not mine to begin with. Therefore I could not ask for more than what you can give.

I remember you once said that everyone is equal but some are more equal than the others. I did not get it at that time but when I looked at our situation I think it is slightly clearer to me now. We may be equal but we are not on the same page. I looked down at my feet to see myself and I looked into your face. You are far more sophisticated and intelligent and sometimes I feel intimidated because somehow I am not enough for you. This is something I have to work out and overcome.

In the next few years I may be still not enough or good for you but nothing can beat the feelings, the love and the hots I have for you. You are the one I give my heart to and the one I want to be with.

Regards,

Your Sayang"

Eight months and counting

Wow! It's almost 8 months I abandoned this blog. Not that I have a new one nor would I neglect the one thing that kept me sane for the last 4 years. But life seems to move forward and time just passed so quickly.

I heard from a grapevine there seems to be some kind of gossips about my revealing story. It's all old news babes. Move on.

There are lots of things going for me, and the most important one is there's someone who loves me and gives me strength to face the new days. She is the most amazing and wonderful person and I know I finally found someone who really cares.

It's all going well.

Although, I have to say that The Mentor still scolds me over crappy and silly things I came up with even after I quit working for her. But one lesson I learned from The Mentor is that you only need certain people in your life. People who care for you, support you when you need them and who would be there for you during the good and bad times. Choose your true friends, and leave the peripherals out.

loved

i) being in love

ii) being kissed by you

iii) being able to touch your face

iv) being in bed with you

v) being able to see you smile

vi) being cared for

vii) being touched

viii) being missed

ix) being able to talk to you

x) being able to joke and laugh

xi) being made to think sensibly

xii) being accountable

xiii) being your love

xiv) being amazed by you

xv) being whole when you are with me