will I ever?

How often do you think that you know someone and then suddenly they uncovered themselves, and shook the whole world? Your little world anyway.

Probably not too often.

Lately, I have trouble being honest. Truth be told, I am quite big on honesty but this is like I spit on my own face? No? Ok. Maybe that's the wrong phrase. I'm not the effing Queen, you know.

I have been living in lies and deception. It is so hard not being able to talk about my fascination, the object of desire, the sexcapades (as if!) and the inner feelings. It feels like if I'm hiding this part of myself I'm hiding the best part of me.

What would happen if my sister found out the truth? Would I be cast aside? Abandon like a forgotten history. I asked myself, "Dare I risk it?"

Who am I kidding?

My silliness has come back. Five folds. In the middle of the night, I said the name and lie panting. Crush? So juvenile.

of logics and stuff

The Mentor always offers the best and logical insights anyone could give. Trust me.


The reason for the existence of this blog is to document my journey towards self discovery. Today, since it was very quiet in the store, I managed to read all of my previous entries. Blimey! That's a lot of stuff I tell ya.


The issues I had with my father, the grief for my mother, the relationship with my family, my career choice, the healing process, the self-acceptance and etc etc.

These issues won't go away unless I tackle them head on. One at a time. And I am not afraid to say that I have lots of weaknesses, and I am not a strong person. I need all the help I can to get through, something that I'm doing slowly at my own pace.

All these make up the person that I am. I have to be honest, with myself, with my family and with my friends. I realised that all these while, I'm collecting bits of pieces of me that was scattered everywhere. I found them here and there. The pieces that will complete me.

It's not like I'm spilling any secrets that will get me signed to publish a memoir and make me an instant millionaire nor do I have a hidden sex tape somewhere.


Do you think that 10 years or even 25 years down the line this blog will still exist? I would love to look back and read all the zigs zags and bums I encounter while documenting my life.


Some of what I wrote in the beginning still apply but somehow the tone of this blog has shifted a little to mark the changes in me. I am a lot happier and at peace. And no one can take this feeling away from me.

of banging and celebration with a bang!

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I had a early celebration on the weekend, and it will continue until the next weekend and the weekend after. Wow! What a fantastic start. I only get to be, er, 33 once.

Though I'm done with the ice cream co., The Mentor was very generous enough to get me tickets for a weekend concert by HRC. And me being cheeky managed to persuade my former colleague to get me staff passes at the last minute. The truth is I didn't just go to enjoy myself, I did help out for a while. Didn't I?

On Saturday morning, I rang Marc and asked him to join me at Hyde Park. There were like maybe 15 bands playing throughout the day but honest to God, I had no idea who they are except for The Feeling, which is great cos I love their songs. The biggest and the last act for the night was Peter Gabriel, and I don't know who he is. LOL. The Mentor's entourage just rolled their eyes when they learn what load of rubbish I was. Hehe.

For Sunday, I do know Aerosmith, but if you want to know, that's only the only band I recognise. And both of us only knew maybe just 3 songs out of the many that Steven Tyler belted out. LOL.

There were abundant of foods though and Marc and I had so many glasses of fancy smancy cocktails we never heard before. What a weekend! And more celebration to come.

Next Saturday is the Pride London, which I wanted to volunteer for but in the end I decided that I'm just gonna go and enjoy it with some friends I met at LF. Now I'm in dilemma since Marc and the others want to do something else on that Saturday. Then, there's an invitation to go to Norwich for the weekend. Dang! Choices choices.

Tonight we are having a big dinner party at the Holiday Villa. If you're in the area, come and wish me Happy Birthday. Hehehe.

new age

At the end of last month, my eldest nephew turned 17. Gosh! He’s all grown up. He’s even talking about getting his driver’s licence already!

Where has the time flies? I remember when he was only ten and me cuddling him. Since he is the first grandchild my mom used to spoil him. I think we all did, but thank goodness he is not a brat. He is quite a responsible young man.

My own birthday is coming up very soon. I don’t celebrate birthday except when I was with good friends. What’s the point of celebrating alone, eh? My brother's son and daughter are also celebrating their birthdays at about the same time. One of them is a day before me and the other is a day after.

You know, I used to be scared when I saw the numbers going up. Now when I read about people getting nervous about being in their 30s, I find it quite er, funny.

Ok. Here’s something to ponder. Theoretically, I should say that I am 32 going to be 33. However, when we were born, people didn’t say that we are zero. Only when we completed a year then they say we are one. So technically, tomorrow, I would have lived for 33 years, and working towards becoming 34 the following day.

In a matter of 3 days, I go from being 32 to 33 to 34. We are actually 2 years older than we think! Hahaha… What load of rubbish! But it does make sense, right?

I’m fine with my age.

Er.. Maybe I won’t be able to say the same when I hit 40, but heck! That’s seven years from now, oh wait! Is it 6 years? WTF? Let’s not go there.

silly

Silly silly silly.

How to deal with silliness?

of a sister and a rockstar

To be honest, after cycling to work for the past 3 days I'm tired. My body is aching. I woke up late almost every morning. Dang! I am so out of shape.

Mmm.. isn't it a great wonder that we always whine about anything and everything? Heheh... I'm sure once I got back into the rhythm I'd be ok. (I'm trying to psyche myself up)

When I was young I always thought that I would one day become a corporate person. Work on the 25th floor, have my own office and always have people doing my biddings.

Kwang kwang kwang…

What was I thinking? Thank God that dream didn’t come true. I think I’d commit myself to a madhouse if it did happen. I realised that that's not for me. I could never be that person. I was chided by a few relatives when I quit my slightly cushy job in Msia. They told me what a huge mistake I made.

If I stayed behind I'd probably feel depressed by it all. Thank goodness for my sister who always let me decide for myself. I know sometimes she doesn't understand me but at least she doesn't criticise the things I do. She takes me as I am and that's the best thing about her. I think my mom would do the same if she was still around. I know there are issues that I have to work out, but at least I am quite happy with how things turn out to be.

Isn’t it easier to be a cat? If I had nine lives, I wanna be;

1. skinny woman who can eat anything and everything with no weight problem whatsoever
2. adventurous cat who love mountains and lives in Colorado Springs so I could enjoy sunset and sunrise any time
3. fabulous rockstar who gets all the gorgeous ladies
4. flower that never die and blooms every spring and make everyone smiles
5. sexy vampire who is content with small things she had and a loved one, and not having to drink blood

Mmmm… I would have to think of the other 4 lives. What it’s gonna be, huh?

tra.. lala..lala..

I bought a new bike... yeeehaaaa...

Don't ask me how much I spent on it, plus all the accessories, but it's enough to put a huge dent in my pocket. The lock itself costs me a bomb but I don't mind. I like.

I went to carboot sales, looked up in gumtree and ebay, but in the end I know deep down I prefer to get a new one. Urrggh.. you must think that I am shallow, but heck, to each her own.

Here's to a good summer! Cheers!

of heartbreak hotel

Back in the days when I first ran away from heartbreak, I bled like nobody’s business. I didn’t know it could hurt so much. I didn’t know it was going to make me numb and shut me off from everything that I was familiar with.

I thought how could this be? I didn’t even know I was in love. I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone so much that I felt I wanted to die when things turned sour.

Well, sour is an understatement. I hit rock bottom. How many times during the nights I cried myself to sleep? How many times I was furious with myself for being such a complete idiot? How many times I felt the knife went deeper every times I saw the other person pulled away from me?

I hated myself for being so vulnerable.

My heart was red and swollen. I had no other way but to drown myself in a different direction. How could I begin to tell you that I ached so badly that my heart had duct tapes all over it?

I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to be loved. If I could love someone unconditionally, why couldn’t someone love me back? Is it too much to ask?

I heal over time, and I rejoice for a while after I come up to the surface. But when I think I’m ready to start over and find a person who could love me as I am, I am scared. Where do I begin? Where do I find love, or does love comes looking for me? Clueless is what I am.

When a friend found out that her partner cheated on her, I told her to re-invent herself. Easy to say, eh? Now how do I do that to myself? Where do I go to find all the people who would find me attractive and interesting to date?

Wait! Now that I know who my type is, do I really want to date, or do I want to go straight to bed? LOL. That would be fascinating!

of a softie and a bouncer

I officially began my new life as a full time staff at an internet café last Wednesday. It’s not really an exciting job, but it pays the bills. I work long hours, but then again even with my previous company I work even longer hours and sometimes I was not at home for days.

I guess this one is okay. No fancy title to define who I am. No big salary or a beemer to show off. No expensive dresses or gadget to match.

To be honest, I asked myself, do I really care? Does it bother me that I don’t have all these? Imagine when I go home to Malaysia and people would be asking,

“So what do you do in London?”

“I work at internet café”

“Really? You mean you have an internet café?”

“No. I’m the bouncer”

“Oh!”

Ah well.

I am the bouncer, really. I have thrown a few people out of my store. You see, 3 teenagers came to the store almost every day. One day I caught them in the area that was closed so I threw them out. This week they came again, and I suspected that they were hacking into the system.

I confronted them. Me short fat woman, them big tall boys. I am not the confrontational type. Never. I walk from an argument and even if I tried, I’d lose big time. My hands were shaking and my voice trembled. They made it worse when one of them challenged me. I called 999. Well, I didn’t really call the police, but I pretended that I did.

A lot of things had happened since I work here. Some are good, some bad. The bad ones make me wish that I never changed my job, but I guess it’s the harsh and hard reality of life that one has to face.

I am simple yet complicated. The softie me will have to toughen up. And I guess it’s about time to discover and re-discover.