Of being treacherous and trustworthy

Being a real friend is a tremendous responsibility. One has to be honest, loyal, sincere, reliable, pleasant, open, responsive and dependable. There is not much point if one keeps backstabbing people whom they called friends.

Today, I learn that someone, or rather two people whom I think of as friends have been using me all along. They took me for a ride and I was an idiot for believing that they are the good, kind-hearted people who care about their friends.

I used to talk to her about my dreams, fears and future. She seemed very understanding and it looked like we were on the same wavelength. She offered help, support and sympathy when I needed them.

She had no qualms in letting me into her head, talking about her life. I honestly thought she was very kind. I remember saying that it’s quite unbelievable because I just got to know her (them) recently but we understand each other perfectly. There were times when I listen to their problems and offered advice. Sometimes I did hold my tongue and keep my opinion to myself but I didn’t have a reason not to trust or even like them.

But you know what? If you think it’s unbelievable, it’s probably is.

They were just pretending. I should be really furious with them when I found out about the things they did, only that I didn’t have the strength. They did help me when I needed help the most and I am grateful for that. I am entitled to be angry at them, yet I can’t seem to get it out from my chest.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve been discovering little things here and there. Things they don’t want me to know.

I realized that I am an easy person to con. I would fall for your stories, and I go soft-hearted because I don’t have the heart to be malicious.

That’s how they conned Marc and I. They say one thing to one person and another thing to the other person. They twisted their words around and got away all the time.

Last month, I found out that Maury badmouthed Marc and Agata, saying that they were not gratified enough with Luca for helping them during that moving fiasco. I had a feeling she was lying but I didn’t want to believe my gut.

Even though I always complain about Marc and Agata being stingy, but I know they’re not stingy with words. I knew they were always grateful for the little helps they get. When I learn the real deal, everyone was surprised.

You see, when one keeps lying, one is digging a hole for oneself.

Today, I discover another thing. When I got all my things after coming back, I was missing my bike. It was locked at the old place and only I have the key. However, the previous landlord has changed the lock on the front door so I can’t get my bike. Apparently, he is holding it back because Luca and Maury owe him some money.

This had nothing to do with me. I just wanted my bike back. When he rang me this afternoon, I was a bit hostile towards him for a few reasons. One, he kicked us out of the house without notice. Two, he didn’t answer his phone when I called. Three, he’s holding my bike to get to Luca.

Anyway, after several frustrating (I’m annoyed, ok) phone calls, I got my bike back and I also found out that there’s more to the story. Luca and Maury have been cheating us and virtually, they were staying, with us, at the flat for free. We have been paying for almost everything! The fucking bastards!

The landlord let Luca stayed there because Luca is his good friend’s nephew and only asked him to pay £720 a month for the flat. Between Marc and me, we chipped in almost that much for rent when we were there!

Two-timing SOB!

I trusted them but they have been lying all along. They were hiding something and that was why they were nice to me. There’s always a catch.

Moral of the story? People do things for a reason. They have motives and when they are nice, they want something from us. Maybe they want a business contract, to borrow your car or to cheat your money. Be wary of them. Be wary of me. For all you know, I may want the pleasure of your company!

I am not a good, perfect human being. I'm complex, short-fused and all flaws, but I remind myself, 'E, if you are going to be a friend, be a good friend!'

Been there, done that, none the wiser!

Thank God the phone line is now working.

I went away to Wales yesterday. It was not the greatest weekend getaway because it was all about work, but good enough to clear my mind. Not like it needs clearing, anyway. I have never been so sure before, and I’ve never been so excited and scared like this at the same time.

When I came here, I was young (still), foolish and just wanted to take an easy route. I live a simple moderate life, and I hate taking a risk, stirring my boat. I run away from having too many responsibilities. I gave too many excuses not to go home. I pointed at the society for my own shortfall, but I didn’t look at myself.

Deep down I know something is not right with me. Something that is not satisfactory, which I do acknowledged but never did anything to fix them, whatever they are.

There is an assumption that as we get older we will get wiser. My thought exactly. I used to think that time will teach me and give me the life experiences. And when I have learnt enough, one day I will not be making mistakes anymore.

You see, I am getting older (there’s no running away from it!), but I am not necessarily wiser. Somehow, this ageing process does seem to speed up as we get older.

The truth is I learn that I may not make the same mistakes again, but there is a whole new gap opening up and lying around waiting for me to fall into. There will always be new areas where I have no guidelines or experiences. The chances are I would be making many mistakes, get them wrong or even screw myself as I go along, but I will never know it if I didn’t give a try.

Richard Templar said ‘wisdom is not about making mistakes, but about learning to escape afterwards with our dignity and sanity intact.’

I have stayed in my comfort zone for too long that it’s losing its appeal. I have to find a new playground and make new mistakes in order to add any values to my knowledge.

I have to accept the fact that there is no avoiding these mistakes and there is little else I can do. After all, maybe with the more mistakes I’ve made, the less likely that I’ll come up with new ones.

I should not be afraid of challenges. Hopefully I may be able to look back and say I’ve done that, what’s next?!


Note: Today I was told that I look 5 years younger. Cool, eh? :)

fortune cookies

Bloody weird! Now I have to upload this again.



During the CNY weekend, I told Dina I had a couple of fortune cookies and one of them says ‘A day for firm decisions!’

Hah! How weird life turns to be. I honestly wasn’t ready to make any decisions or commitments at that moment. So I just brushed off the notion and got on with my cosy life here. Little did I know, I’d be making one of the biggest career changes in my life just a few days later.

I’m not going to disclose anything for fear that this thing won’t take off. Suffice to say that I am about to take a plunge at the end of this year. I think I am ready and even if I am not, I have to start somewhere. Time wait for no man. And no, I am not getting married.

This is one of my many plans. One that was quite blur in the beginning, but has taking a u-turn and now going towards a brighter route. I know what I’m going to be doing come next January. I have set a target and I am prepared to follow it through.

I am really scared thinking about this, yet at the same time, I am excited at my new mission. I am going to risk everything I have, and I want to be able to give 130% of my heart.

The Mentor agreed. Aci supported me wholeheartedly. CJ is behind me. So all I need is just to give myself this opportunity. It will be a hard work and an uphill struggle. I only have myself and my head to rely on. Make a right move; I’d be smiling all the way down the river bank. Make a mistake; I’d pay big time.

One can be anything one dream of. It’s not too late and I think the time has come for me to stop dreaming and make things happen. Just one more year.

If all is not well, I can always come back, and start again.


Today’s cookie says ‘A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.’

Dang!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Where the heck is my Fortune Cookies????

of date and work

The bloody phone line is dead and there's no internet for me for the last few days. Hence, no updates.

There's so much I wanted to write, but it seems like the topics just disolve into thin air.

Work is starting to pile up and true to the nature of my job, weekends will soon be just another day to get over with because it's no longer going to be a relaxing one.

That is my way of telling tenah that I have to take a rain check on the YM date. Thousands of apologies ya because I'll be away for this weekend and there's no way of getting out of it. I'll try to come back soon enough on Sunday and look for you.

Till then.

of illogical belief

I was in the shower just now when it suddenly dawned on me that we, the family, never even mentioned about autism.

I mean we know that Ateh is special and different but as far as I know, I don't think the parents know about his situation or the kind of helps he needed in his early life. It was never mentioned to us, or me personally whether he was taken to the hospital or specialist to help in his speech development.

When I was little, I remember someone said that 'uri' Ateh was buried deeper than usual and further away from the street. That was why he was underdeveloped. What nonsense! How does science explain that?

Then, I guess my sister's was buried right next to the kerb as she is so chatty!

of value II

Bored as always, (where is summer?) I surfed and read blogs.

There are some that are not worth reading. I know it's not for me to judge. Not that their contents are not worth anything, but I find that they are just not to my taste.

Except for my friends and people whom I know personally, I won't bother reading strangers whining about their lives. Some newer ones are childish (mine is too, but this is my blog so what?)

When I started blogging in late 2004, I was quite errr.. kiasu. I ping my entries to PPS just so people can come and read. I thought having a large traffic is good. Well, it was certainly good for my ego.

There were a few of the early bloggers (during my early days) that are still around, but it wasn't the same anymore. I used to visit their blogs everyday leaving comments all over the places. Then, gradually I pulled back. I have my own demons and being a quiet kinda person, I now value my privacy. I do read them once in a while except I hardly leave comments.

Let's take a look at the 'senior' blogs. These people here are fast becoming like Bill Gate, and they are worth thousands in err.. cash? There were a few more but I can't find their URLs. Deleted from blogspace, I think.

Of Snow Cones and Teh Tarik is worth $2,822.70
The Nomadic Journey - $3,387.24
Mak Andeh & Brood - $78,471.06
Me.. Writing - $5,080.86
The Gongkapas Times - $74,519.28 (defunct/hacked)
Tucing Buncit Says - $5,080.86
Throttle to the Stop - $1,129.08
Kak Teh Choc-a-Blog - $46,292.28
Dade Ghost - $1,693.62
Maine Ideas - $15,807.12
Random Journey: Musings, Rants and Reflections - $4,516.32
My Box of Chocolate - $7,339.02
Tenahcity - $35,001.48

If these bloggers pull resources together, we could have a makan besar!

of lousy thoughts

Everyday, for the last few nights, I had difficulty in sleeping. I was lying on the bed, turning left and right, sometimes for hours with my eyes wide open. Last night, I slept at 5:30am. The night before, it was almost 4am before I went to slumberland.

There must be something wrong. Or something that I worry about. Except that I dunno what it is.

When I was younger, I used to have a lot of suicidal thoughts. Thinking about the many different ways to end my life. I felt I was not up to the par. It was like my existence was not worth a dime, and I was just another faceless figure. I could have saved the space in the school yearbook. I drifted apart, just by being on my own.

What do they have that I don't have?

Look. Brain. Curve. Style. Boyfriend. Confidence. Love. Money. Car. Personality. Attitude. Sparks. Self-esteem. The lists can go on and on. I never knew how to get them.

At school, I was a bully. Ah well, not really. But we have a gang and we called ourselves Mizz Kids after the tv series The Whizz Kids. There were 5 of us, KL, N, A, S and me. Each of us even had a badge and membership card with our pseudo names. And of course we were not the popular ones in school, or else why do we need a gang for?

We were insecure and needed attention but we were low on self-esteem. We were loud, we trashed things, we bullied the juniors and we sucked up to the teachers. All of us had problems at home, different matters but still problems. We were close and we did many things together yet never talked about the things that screwed our heads. All the little things that, when you put them together, became bigger than a football pitch.

I had a grudge with my father. He never came to pick my report cards and see my teachers when I was in school. Not once. He was always busy with work (he was a teacher, that puzzled me the most) and never find time to come. I remember Acik came once, but the rest of the times, I brought them back. I altered some marks too because I was scared of being scolded for getting the red ink written all over the page.

I took an easy way out. I have been running ever since.

I was insecure. I still am, maybe. And I still don't have things on the list, but at least I'm trying to deal with my demons. I psyche myself up. Especially when I read some of my favorite blogs, I feel motivated. They're good vitamins for me. I maybe dumb but I know I have the ability. I had never pushed myself and never explored that part of me, but I know I can.

I am crawling. Be patient.

of value

I had no idea my old defunct blog is worth $11,855.34. Man! Show me the money!

This new one, though, has no value. Good. Only I know how much it's worth.

of my family

On Thursday, I had only one appointment at The Dominion. It was still early so I decided to treat myself to a movie and went to see Geisha. It is beautifully done, and gosh! Both Ziyi and Michelle are very beautiful.

In a way, I feel sad watching it. She said she wanted a life of her own. An impossible wish for a woman during her time. She has no choice but to follow the path set for her.

Not many women get to live their life their way. Let's face it. Our mothers and most women before them were basically confined to a certain life, a certain rules. They didn't have a choice. With no education or skills, they only did what they know best.

I remember my own mother. I wanted to write more about her now that I finally stop grieving. No, no that's not right. I am still grieving but I have come to term with my loss. The guilt that I had is no longer there. I am able to remember her in a different light.

I do cry once in a while, just because I miss her, but I can now talk about her openly. It has been 10 years last December.

When I was home for raya, all of us gathered at Aci's house. Na has said that we are going to follow a tradition that our parents had set years ago. As it was only us, I can see that every one of us really do love each other. And I am glad that our family is not infected with a disease I call hasad dengki.

Some people, when their parents died, they started talking about harta and stuffs, and became distant. These things become one of the causes in family feuds. I know for a fact that that's what happened to my aunt's family. Our cousins are wary of each other and one of the male cousins is not talking to his mom because he thought she favored the others. Their family is a gone case. I'm not saying that we are perfect, but we try to avoid all the things that can destroy our family.

Whenever we had different opinions or plans for the family enterprise or just advise to give, the adults in our family would sit at night talking about them. That's the way it should be. We have no one else but ourselves. I would have never thought about raising my voice to Aci or Na. I can't even address myself as 'aku' because I remember the last time I did that, I kena cili with Mak.

When Mak decided to give a piece of land to Ateh, she asked my opinion about it. The rest didn't know about this because they were away at that time. Her rationale was that the rest of us are able to fend for ourselves and find our own fortunes, but Ateh needs to be looked after. She wanted to give him the land so that he could work and create a mean of income for himself.

I had no objection. I agreed with her reason. So, I took her to the land office and helped her with the change of deed. When the rest found out about it years later, they didn't even object to that. I thought maybe Na or Acik would have showed some disappointment, or at least questioned about it because it was I, the youngest kid in the family, budak hingusan, who broke the news to them. They just took my word and get on with it. It was unbelievable. I didn't know that they could be so calm and accepting. No question asked.

I love it when I see the nephews and nieces are very close. They treat each others like brothers and sisters. Aci can scold Na's son without any qualm and vice versa, because that's just the way we are. I can scold any of the kids, and get away with it too, because I'm their aunt. Hehehe... They will only say, 'haa... dengaq kata Ucu!' They love me.

The other day, Aci told me that Ateh mengadu to her about Acik. Well, you see we all respect Acik for what he did and contributed to our family enterprise. But this ex-engineer aah, he sure knows his mechanical and chemical stuffs but knows nothing about management. All of us are at our wits end trying to stir him back to our original masterplan. I don't know what else to do.

You see, our family started an enterprise to help Ateh build a foundation in his life. He is a special person with slight autism. In another word, his brain works really slow and he has difficulty in communications. Acik was entrusted by all of us and the parents to manage everything, and he is man enough to carry such burden for the sake of his brother. He resigned from his job and began his life as a farmer. Not many man can give up his career and do that, and for that, I love him more than ever.

Well, back to my story about Ateh mengadu to Aci, it's nothing actually. It was just that I feel sayu when I heard about it, because he had no one to talk to. His wife is not that clever nor helpful, and with no mother to turn to, he sat there mumbled about his frustation to Aci. She has become a substitute to Mak.

If Mak was around, she would probably know how to console him. It's sad really. There were times when I feel that there's so much I want to talk to my brother. To tell him that one day everything will be alright. That he has us to look after him. That whatever happens, he can count on us. Yes, we hugged we saw each other and I showed my love through material things. I gave him more than I gave the others, but I never knew what to say. How does a sister tell her austistic brother that? After all, he will just nod and says he knows it, and get on with his chores. He probably wouldn't understand the depth of my feelings for him.

Gosh! I am crying as I type this. It's not because I'm ashamed of him or pity him or whatever, but because I am proud that he is so brave and strong. I crumbled and cried buckets when Mak passed away, how did he cope with his loss? I often wonder and feel that I should ask except I don't know if he can find the words to describe his feelings. He doesn't know how to express his thoughts.

Maybe I underestimate him. I dunno. Except for one subject for special population at the uni, I never had any training about special people. We just go along and do the best we can.

But it crosses my mind, maybe our best is not good enough?

sama saja

Hari tu kawan saya habaq bahasa malaysia saya dah teruk. Dia ada baca entry saya yang saya taip dlm melayu. Apa lagi... dia gelak la. Sebab pelik katanya.

Tah apa apa la. Tak payah cakap pun saya tau. Masa saya balik kampung hari tu, saya cakap melayu apa, tapi kekadang tu gagap jugak. Eessh... Nak buat cam mana kan? Cakap melayu pun dah tak betoi, cakap omputih pun tak teruih. Tepat sekali title blog ni.

Masa saya baru jumpak dengan The Mentor 3 tahun lepaih, dia kata dia tak larat dengan saya punya aksen American. Dia nak saya cakap omputih gaya British. Dia ni punjabi tapi omputih dia kelaaass. Queen's english. Saya pun dah terikut gaya dia, tapi disebabkan opis saya penuh dengan org welsh, english saya dah ada telor welsh pulak. Pastu bos baru saya dua2 laki bini Americans, so kena praktis balik aksen saya tu. Kalau saya pi jumpak kengkawan di utara sana, kepala hotak saya kena tune in dengan yorkshiremen.

Adoooi! Mana tak pening? Jangan salahkan saya. Ni semua salah depa. Ahaks.

Blogger Wedding of the Year

I seriously think both of them have no idea I'm doing this. Nyeh nyeh nyeh... PS is quite busy lately whereas Aces is taking a break from blogging.

I wonder whether their wedding will be the first one among bloggers, you know, who met through their writings. Correct me if I'm wrong.

She told me to cuti for a month. Errkk! I stayed almost 3 months last year, I dunno if I can afford to get another long holiday. My boss will probably chop my head for asking. I consider myself lucky if I can get 2 weeks.

Hummppp...

Sooowwyyyy

Whoaa.. I didn't realise there was something wrong with my haloscan. I thought nobody wants to comment anymore. Heheee.. I think it should be ok now. Thanks Honeytar!

My best friend is getting married!

The news came early today in an email. She said it's finally happening.

I am so happy for her, and him. She met him thru blog about a year ago. In fact, they found each other thru my old defunct blog, met for coffee and things just went from there. I like to think that I play cupid. Seriously, I do have sixth sense. Hehe.

When I met him at the airport, I thought he is rather different than the other men before him. He's quiet, very polite and soft-spoken. Quite the opposite of my friend. I guess the opposite attracts, huh?

I thought maybe because it was the first time we met, he was putting up a good disguise, you know to impress the friends. I was waiting to see when he will come out of his camouflage, but it never came. He was still same. Once I get to know him, I found that he was one the nicest men I ever met and ever the gentleman.

And truthfully, I am so glad that she has met the right one after going thru several heartbreaks. God is great. Good things will happen to those who wait. To PS and Aceshigh, congratulations!

Now, we better get down to business, girl! I have to plan for my holiday end of this year and I tell you I have to come home for your wedding. I won't miss it! It's unthinkable! I know I said I may not be able to afford another trip but if I set aside some kitty money, then I should be ok.

At least I have another thing to look forward to.

sejuk la

Today's weather is just too much. The cold just went through my nasal passages and sucked into my lung. It was hard to breathe these days and it went from bad to worse. Man! I'm sick of it already.

The one thing that at least is cleared is my parking permit. Finally got one after a couple of weeks waiting. No need for me to get out of the house early whenever I work from home just to make sure I put the coins in the meter. One day I forgot for one half hour and I've been slapped with a fine. Shit! There goes another £40.

I went out to buy 2 copies of Daily Telegraph. I must be mad. This is for the sake of the vouchers and token to eat for a fiver at Holiday Villa this Friday. It's ok. I'm meeting people so I'm quite happy.

But see how that works err.. nicely? Kekonon nak save duit lah tu. Pay 40 quid and get tokens for £5. I'm broke.

unhappy? not today

They said today is probably the unhappiest day in Britain. They said.

But you know what I say? I say today I saw some lights. Honestly, I thought I could see some glimmers in the dark.

I started my day quite early. Raring to go. I was determined to be strong, and whatever happens I wanted to bulldoze my way. I didn't need to go that far, though.

I could see it quite clearly. A plan suddenly materialised in front of my eyes, although I think it may change along the way. Nevertheless, I saw a line. For me? I think so. Knowing myself, I have many plans before. Plan A to G. I never stop thinking about them.

At least I have back ups.

Now, I have to make one happens.

the calvin in us

Hobbes: How are you doing on your new year's resolutions?

Calvin: I didn't make any. See, in order to improve oneself, one must have some idea of what's 'good'. That implies certain values.

But as we all know, values are relative. Every system of belief is equally valid and we need to tolerate diversity. Virtue isn't 'better' than vice. It's just different.

Hobbes: I don't know if I can tolerate that much tolerance.

Calvin: I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.

-----

Calvin: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing.

If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on, long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts!

You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do. They just keep griping until you start to wonder, "what's wrong with this idiot?" But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said.

Hobbes: Maybe they're not very self-aware (rolls his eyes)

Calvin: Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves!

-----

Calvin: I wonder why people are never content with what they have.

Hobbes: Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke, you've got no fangs, you can't see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are nil, and you don't even have tails! Of course people aren't content!

Calvin: Forget I said anything.

Hobbes: Now if tigers weren't content, that would be something to wonder about.

-----

Calvin: Want to buy my latest invention?

Hobbes: What is it?

Calvin: It's a writer's block! You put it on top of your desk and then you can't write there anymore!

Hobbes: (rolls his eyes)

Calvin: I must be years ahead of my time.

Go with the Flow

Thing hasn't gone horribly wrong. Not yet.

I've been thinking, rather unusual of me, of going home. A few years back, I was determined to stay for at least 5 years. I wanted to lose myself here and let myself float with the current . Or if you put it the other way around, I want to find myself. I didn't know what I want so, I came here to dig out.

Torn. That's what I am. Between here and there.

I know, I know. I can hear you saying solat istikharah. See, I can read your mind :) I want to do it. I know I have to. I am just not ready to see what will be revealed to me. What happens when I was shown one direction and I choose the other? And when the thing starts to go wrong, I will regret for the rest of my life.

There is no such thing as the right life. Or the right kinda car or shoes. I guess.

There is only one thing to do. To find the opportunities and make the best out of them. Whether they are the right ones for you, who cares? Right?

Do you know what frustrates me sometimes? The feeling of helplessness. I don't know how to deal with it. All my life, I have been in control of the things I want to do, the places I want to go or even the color of my trainers. I fixed my own lighter. I put together the IKEA shelves and desk. I could even fix the damned VCR.

I am not used to having people do things for me, and when they do, I dunno what to say. Always, I questioned myself when on rare occasion, someone did something good to me. Was he sincere? This may sound corny, but I do stuffs for people, not just friends, because that's how I'm built. But I'm so used to being taken for granted that I kinda accept it. What else can I do?

They figure, 'aah.. never mind, she can help us with things'. 'She can help us move', 'she can put my friend up for the night'.

It hurts. Is that all I am to you? Not more than a convenience? Just because I am available doesn't mean that I am willing to be taken for a ride.

Right now, I feel like my control is a bit shaky. I can't decide where I want to go. I told myself, it's ok to be scared and sad. When the fog is gone, I will have a clear way. I hope for spring soon.

Hope

We are all acquainted with the bad news. What we long for is good news. Not the pie-in-the-sky kind, but something firmly planted in everyday realities that will make us smile and look forward to the next day. We've heard the hype: what we need is believable hope. It's out there somewhere. We are bound to find it be it sooner or later. And it will keep us going through the rough time until we see the light, again. All we need is to be true to ourself, and believe.

Desperate Housewives

The brand new DH is on Channel 4 tonight at 10. Can't wait to see the bitchy banters and desperate people. Oh and the hunky plumber.

of doing nothing

The Mentor rang me later in the day. I was supposed to meet her today and discuss about the schedules for this year but she cancelled because things came up at the last minute, as always.

You know what? I am tired of doing nothing. Seriously, since I've been back, I only worked 5 full days. The rest I lepak. How do you think I managed to spend time at Borders and Currys yesterday? Once in a while, I got a call from the office asking me some petty questions, but other than that, I am free to do as I wish.

She even told me that I could go shopping and stuff. Haha... what a boss!

Though it's very flattering and cool to just lepak, but I'm getting bored. I needed to do something. So I went out to visit our customers. You know, just to say hi. And I started looking at getting more events, though I know she doesn't expect me to do it. I want to.

Kakteh, if you read this and require an assisstant, let me know. I can check my diary but most of the time I'm available.

I never thought that I would find a good 'wade' or org kedah kata masalode while I was walking down the high street. 4 for £1. Ala... that Indian snacks made from kacang parpu tuu... a simple thing that made my day. Yummm.

The road taken

Exhausted from waking up late, I sat on the bed with the bladder full. Someone was in the bathroom. I can hear the water running and the fellow coughing badly. He's got the cold alright. Please hurry!

Last night was no fun. I had made an arrangement with Agata to watch a movie. She wanted to see Planfight, while I opt for Geisha. Since the former was not featured in last night's showtimes, and the latter was aired later in the night, we went for The Producers instead.

Seriously, it left a lot to be desired. The jokes are no joke, really. I waaannnaaa be a produuucerrrr. What the heck? I like musical, I go wild with the likes of, well, the famous Grease, Strictly Ballroom, Center Stage, Billy Elliot and of course, Chicago. But this is not going to be listed in my hall of fame. Next time, I'd stick with my choice.

Ohh.. I could hear Kugan, the landlord talking to Heeroy (I'm not even sure that's how I should spell his name). What was he doing here? I'm sure my rent is due tomorrow, not today. I don't feel like seeing his face. Don't get me wrong. Kugan is a nice chap but sometimes he gets on my nerves when he keeps saying the same things over and over. What intrigues me is how he makes his million (I assume he is one)? He has too many properties, and I can prove that because he took me around to several flats scattered in Harrow before I settled for this one.

The other day, a friend texted me 'I nak kaya, I nak kaya'. Babe, I pun nak kaya, but how aah? I know how to work hard, I think I'm honest. I insist on living an ethical life (as ethical as I could). Is that enough to make me rich? Maybe not.

The funny thing is I haven't make my million yet, but it looks like I'm spending the few pennies I've got. I came back from Borders and Currys £100+ poorer. You know the sale is on. However much one wants to deny the shopping pleasure, one will succumb to the trap. These villians won't give you a chance.

I came back with a few books. One is a belated birthday present for a very good friend. I hope she likes it. The others were probably a waste of money. I got one of Nora Roberts and some self help books. I don't know what good they will do to me, but I'm keen to find out.

I wish I'm as rich as Nora. She used to write good stuffs. Or maybe I used to find that her writings about romance, witches and witchcrafts were to my liking, but it could be that I've outgrown them. I used to cry reading her books (silly me), but now it seems like my emotions are detached from my soul. Day by day, I have become a cynic without realizing it. I no longer hold on the romantic stuffs that will take a woman's breath away. I no longer think that there is someone out there who will come to save me from self destruction. (Huh, who am I kidding? I still have hope)

Enough already. This year, without any resolutions, I want to continue living. At the same time, I hope to find other opportunities. I can't be selling ice cream all my life, can I? I have seen quite a bit. I have backpacked and saw what I wanted to see albeit there are still many more to explore.

I will quit whingeing.

I have a bestseller to write. Ahaks.

picking up a stranger

I admit I haven't been feeling 'well' in my head lately. Blame it on the weather. It's really terrible. I keep seeing the blue sky, and the slow stroll I had on the beach. I can actually imagine the hot sweat day and I absolutely loved it.

Two nights ago, I went straight to bed around 7pm, in my jeans, still wearing contact lenses and with the lights on. I was so KO. When I woke up in the morning, I felt really tired like I haven't had any sleeps. I need a good dose of camomile, I think.

Right this minute, I'm thinking about the Bubur Pulut Hitam at Mawar. When I was there for dinner with Kteh and Royal Jester, I had my normal koayteow goreng. As usual, the cucur udang is always on the table. At least, the meeting with them makes up for my homesickness. Tu lah, dah tua2 oso still feel homeseick.

With this new blog, I am relieved that not many people read me these days. I have less traffics and I feel that I tend to write more honest piece about my feelings of loneliness, my demented soul, the unimportant adventures and my self-inflicted pains.

Like the time when I picked up a stranger on the road side. Heh, I can picture someone raised her eyebrows already. Don't worry, I didn't bring a strange man back to my flat.

It was gloomy when I was driving back from the office on Wed, and I somehow knew that I'm going to be bored stiff driving alone for almost 3hours on the motorway. As I was leaving Newport, I saw a man holding a badly written sign 'Junct 17', but I didn't feel like stopping. 50 yards away, there was another man holding a sign to London. It was just spur of the moment. I pulled over and asked him to jump in the van.

After I did that, then I thought what the heck have I done? Have I gone mad? What if the man was a serial killer, or worst a rapist? I just got myself in the dump again. It was fairly cold, so I turned up the heater and continue driving.

To tell the truth, I was a little bit scared that this stranger might strike me anytime. I don't have money, all I had was £20. He can have it. I was edgy all the way to London, and I noticed that he was too. I guess he was a bit skeptical about my driving skills, being a woman that I am.

The van was becoming really warm and I could feel that my feet were already sweaty, but I just didn't dare turning down the heater. After he felt a bit comfortable, he rolled down the window. Though I was on my guard, I did make some conversations and found out about his personal life and things he was doing. I made a conclusion after the first half hour that he was quite alright, but that didn't stop me from having morbid imaginations. I kept playing these images that he put a knife to my throat, rumagging through my things and then shoot me in the head with his hidden gun. Urggghh... help me! I don't even have anything in the van to use as a weapon. I drove as fast as I can and didn't even stop at the services like I normally do. I just want to get this over with.

As we drove into London, I dropped him off at Northolt tube, and after some time I can breathe like normal again. I am never going to pick up a hitchiker again. This is the one and only time, I hope. But as they say, there's always first time for everything. Phew!

setting it right

Since this is my blog, I can whine all I want, but I try not to do it too often.

This year I want to be positive and as honest as I can. For every 10 bad things that happen, I am sure there will be one that I can be happy about.

What's the point of having doubt and feeling lonely when I know I did this to myself? What matters is focus. If I can do that, I know I can do anything. I realised I have too many dreams to fulfill and too many things I want to fix, but first thing first, set my goals straight.

Then I can fly.

-----

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know I'm going to have to eventually give you away

And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

Nelly Furtado

comfort food

I didn't realise that hari raya is just around the corner until I got text messages from CJ and Haji Malim. Al maklum lah busy unpacking lagi and makan pun tak teratoq.

Before I left home, I wanted to feel good and look good because nak jumpa semua org. Hehe... teruk kan my reason for losing weight? I was at my heaviest weight in Dec 2004 and I felt really horrible. But because I had the trip to look forward to, I pushed myself and managed to lose 11kg. What an achievement! The best I had so far. I think PS and CJ oso jeles sekejap when they first saw me. Hehe.. perasan la aku ni. Ahaks.

A few days ago, I weigh myself and holycow! I gained 5 kilos. Mak aiii... That must have been because of the raya, dinners, parties and late night suppers I had every single night. Mana tak ya. Melantak tak ingat dunia. Gany Char Koay Teow, Naili's, Nasik Lemak Mali, Satay Kajang, Sup Salak South, Tanjung Puteri, Anwar Seafood (waahhh.. lidah masak merah dia kaw giler) Thai this thai that. Adoi, semuanya sedap (tak sedap tak main la)

I haven't had a sensible eating pattern nor do I eat healthy food since I've been back either. Kebabs la, fried rice lah. Aiyo. I'm gonna be dead before summer gets here. Funny enough when I went to one kebab takeaway, a Turkish guy invited me to go for a drink with him tonight at a pub near the flat. Told him I don't drink and he said I could have juice. Heh. Macam-macam.

Anyway, I stocked up with the healthy options. Let's hope I stick to it again. While everyone's having rendang, ketupat, nasi tomato and ayam merah, please remember I only have salmon, veg, tuna and maggi at home.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha

The curse of haunted places

As everything gets back to almost normal, I had some times to reflect on the past years. I looked at where I've been and how many times I've moved since I left home when I was 18.

There is something you need to know, then you will understand my need to feel settled.

In the last 14 years, I have moved 21 times. Gila! I can't believe the figures myself. It showed how unsettled I was. I admit there were times I had to move under some circumstances that I had no control and couldn't change. But still... aiyoooo.

Let's see.

June 1992 - College
Dec 1992 - moved to Subang Jaya
June 1993 - Block 4, Shah Alam
Nov 1993 - Block 2
April 1994 - Block 9
Dec 1994 - Block 6
July 1995 - Block 3
Jan 1996 - U Place
June 1996 - Lawrence Place
May 1997 - St. Louis
Aug 1997 - 5th Street
Feb 1998 - Pandan Indah
April 1998 - Sentul
Aug 1999 - Bukit Puchong
Nov 2001 - Putra Perdana
Apr 2002 - Skipton, Yorkshire
Oct 2002 - Putra Perdana
Apr 2003 - Skipton
June 2003 - Ruislip
Oct 2004 - Cricklewood
Apr 2005 - Willesden Green
Jan 2006 - Harrow

The only year I didn't move is 2000. hhmmmm... penat tau pindah randah like this. Especially this recent move. Can you imagine someone being kicked out from the flat in just a few hours? Now imagine this. I was being kicked out of the flat when I was in KL, at a party with Dina. All done through phone.

If it wasn't for Maury, Luca and Dave, my things would have been left at that place with that bloody landlord. I was lucky though because I already packed quite a lot of stuffs when I sublet the room. As for Marcin and Agata, all they care were themselves. She said if it was up to her, she wouldn't even bother with the little things I have. These are the people I know since I first got here, and I have helped them through some of their tough time and that was what they said to me? How selfish can one be?

I have to remind myself from now on that they are not my friends anymore. They are just people I can go have a drink with from time to time but not the ones I can rely on. I don't hate them but I am very disappointed.

p/s: If I couldn't commit to a place, how the hell can I commit to a relationship?

Arrrggghhh... am I insane or what?

Another beginning

I guess it's not too late to say Happy New Year. I've been quite busy since coming back. Finding new flat, moving stuffs and being depressed.

Yes friends. It's quite worrying to start a new year like this. Dina says the first few days will set the tone for the rest of the year. Or something like that. If, somehow, this is true, then I will have a tough time.

I told some people that my new year was ok, but I lied. It was horrible. If I could turn back time, all I want is to be at homeground to start the year. I was alone bunking at a friend's place because everyone went back for holiday. There I was, tired on the new year's eve, sleeping throughout the night without a care for the world. How pathetic!

It was very quiet the next day and towns were almost deserted. Only lone ranger like me walking up and down the streets. Running to catch buses and trains for appointments to view flats.

I think I'll always have bad luck. Every year it seems that I'm living in a dump. 2 years ago, I moved out because my van window got smashed and things stolen. It wasn't safe. Moved in with friends but they got money problem that forced us to move. The latest blow is when the landlord kicked me and the rest out after the council found out about him renting out the flat. I had enough of this bullshit. I dunno what I'm feeling now.

Honestly, I want to live a quiet life and feel settled. Sometimes I wonder (especially now that I haven't got much work to do) when will my life be completed?

I don't ask for much. Really. Just a circle of good friends, someone to care for and a decent lifestyle. I don't want to get filthy rich, just enough to see me through. Is that too much to ask? Is God listening?

I feel that I deserved a good cry. Over everything. Things happen at home and I'm not included in the process. I'm left way behind. I'm gonna miss a lot of things just because I'm here. The last few days, I've been having weird feeling. I sense that something bad is going to happen. My heart goes duuub daaab.. duub daabb. It's scary. Tak sedap hati. But I dunno what.

Please, grant me some strength.


Your humble servant
-Ewok-

The day I left

The day I left KL, my heart was pulling me back. I looked at JackJack and thought how the hell could I leave her when she's so adorable? For the last 10 weeks, she came to know me and she was laughing all the time whenever she saw me.

But I have left her. Over time, she will forget about me. She will not remember my face or my voice or my kisses.

I have left a lot of things in pursue of my life here. It's hard you know. But they don't know it. They don't know how difficult it is to struggle alone. They think it's nice to live in another country and earning the sterling. Dammit! They don't know shit about my tears and longing.

Coming here to study and working is not the same. Especially with my circumstances. I can't live at home, at the same time I'm fighting my way here. So yeah. I'm somewhere in between. Mid life crisis.

Googlism for: ewok

ewok is 16 inches tall and is made exactly like paploo/latara
ewok is great
ewok is cool and esher
ewok is sweet only she doesn't always want to be petted
ewok is nothing but mush
ewok is frightened
ewok is not once spoken in the film
ewok is going bi
ewok is best with adults and kids above 9 years old
ewok is very currious about the parties past
ewok is force sensitive
ewok is one of a kind
ewok is a sweet and very cute girl
ewok is alive and kicking
ewok is awesome

serak but not basah

The day we went to dinner up the tree house at Naili's, I sang like a baffoon. Ahakssss... I know myself so I won't say I have suara emas. Don't bother betting on me.

Dinner was good and the conversation was even better. It's a place where you can just be you, with all the flaws out in the open. You see, I don't see myself as near perfect (because no one is perfect anyway). I am so insecured that I don't even care to admit it. I just live on.

I have a problem being in a group of strangers. I do not know how to.. errm.. talk. I find it hard to make small talk. I don' think that I am unfriendly but some would see me that way because I dislike talking to people about myself. I see no point of opening up to those I hardly know and I do not know how to 'menyampuk' in a conversation as PS put it. She has been my coach since I've been back. Sometimes I follow her advice, but most of the times I'm just not bothered.

There were times when I think that my communication problem will have a major impact on my jodoh. Tu lah, I know I sewel. Deep down I was afraid that I would not meet someone or when I met him, I would be too scared to open my mouth. Either way I might lose out. He could be right in front of me but how would I know? Sigh.

When Mak passed away exactly 10 years ago today, it was unexpected, on my side anyway. I wasn't ready. Fast forward to now, I think I know what to expect. I know that even the most able-bodied may be dead the next day, but the truth is I am still scared to lose people I care for. To grief till my heart bleeds. Tak sanggup, but my heart doesn't know that. I am weak and too soft, and when I love, I love.

That, however, leads me to another insecurity. How would you know that you're loved by those whom you love? Am I worth everything for them to fight my battle with me, or at least hold my hands when I'm down? Do I show or tell I love them in return for the reassurance that they feel the same? One look at me, people used to assume that I was serious and tough, that I do not know how to love. Well, ok, maybe I do not know how to show my affection but that doesn't mean I do not care.

You know what intrigues me is the way some people are intimidated by physical look, which in my case is my eyes. Yes, they're so big that they could pop out any time. However, it has been 31 years and they're still there. When I listen attentively, I was told that my eyes become even bigger, though I don't feel any difference. I have to tolerate myself for having my eyes, what else can I do, right? I just wish sometimes people stop saying 'waaa mata you niii.....' Hah! Mata I ni apa?

I should add singing as one of my many flaws. I can't sing to save myself. But do you think I care? Of course not. Once, I entered a competition for Zone Alor Setar many light years ago. Mak aii... the judges must be deaf to let me thru to the semis. I sang lagu rock kapak. I think it was Sentuhan Kecundang or was it Pusara di Lebuhraya? I admit I cannot get enough of these songs. I'm such an otai that I can still remember the lyrics. Girls... so sorry to torture you that night with my rendition of rock ballards. Hancus!

These last few weeks, however, have been really good. I am able to see a bigger picture of myself. I may not be clever but I listen a lot and I observe more. I accept my fears and I acknowledge that there will be times when my self-esteem at the lowest. All I have is my strength and heart to help pull me back. Things that are out of my control I will leave them to God. Jodoh dan ajal are not for me to fret. With the new family law, I say run fast before they catch you for prey.

I have just one more day. I shall miss you. A lot.

tergigit lidah

Masik = masak nasik

Lojong Taib = Lorong Haji Taib

Terah = terang & cerah

Hasam = hari semalam

flood in the house

Everyone must have known about the flood in the north and east coast. Last night I spoke to Aci. She lives near Jitra, one of the worst affected areas but her new house was spared from the disaster. Unfortunately, our family house in AS is among the many thousand houses affected.

No one lives in that house nor we have lotsa stuffs in it. Since Aci and family moved out almost a year ago, nobody wants to occupy it. The bros now have their own place and I, well, I don't come back too often anyway. Even when Aci was there, that place was in a serious condition, to put it mildly.

A complete makeover or renovation won't be worth it. We have discussed among us that the best way is to tear down the whole structure and build a new one. It's heavily infected by termites, cockroaches and rats. And when I heard about the flood, I knew that our house would suffer the worst in the kampong.

Over the years, people around us has been renovating their houses, yet, we have done nothing. In a way, this has affected the level of the soil as they lifted the house to a higher ground leaving ours on the same level as before. It is so bad that everytime there was a heavy rain, ours would be the only one that have flash flood.

To say that I am sad is an understatement. I am gutted. That's the place where I grew up and spent half my life. That's the place where I first learned how to ride a bike. A homely place where I learned things from my mum. I had my first crush with Abang M and spent time daydreaming after seeing him walked pass the house. It's a place where I played all the childhood games like tengteng, tuju kasut etc. And we always had constant supplies of mangos and jambus from around the house. I always have fond memories of it.

Now, it's nothing more than a rundown house that is ready to collapse any time. Old cupboards have been eaten up by termites, windows and doors on top have fallen apart and the ceiling on the lower level has too many holes to count. Bird nests and cobwebs are everywhere. And now the flood water up above my knees has filled the house.

Once a upon a time, it was a glorious house.

I am embarassed. For leaving the house that way. For not doing anything. For not feeling connected anymore. For staying away.

I know what we have to do. I have a vision for that land. What I don't have is money. For now, it will have to stay as it is even though my heart cries every time I think of it.

kampongku syurgaku

Masa saya balik kampong baru baru ni, saya rasa syok betoi. Memanglah saya balik sat saja tapi saya rasa, silaturrahim antara kami sekeluarga makin erat dan kuat.

Time ghaya dulu, saya lepak kat ghumah kakak saya tapi kali ni saya tidoq kat ghumah abang saya, Na, pulak. Na dah plan awai2 lagi nak bawak kami pi mengai ikan kat kampong dekat rumah abang2 saya Acik and Ateh. Budak2 tu apa lagi, memang syok habih la sebab dapat terjun bendang.

Ye lah. Orang la ni tak bagi anak main selut sebab jenuh nak kena cuci nanti, tapi kali ni depa bagi green light plak. Maybe sebab saya ada kot, and dah lama tak main kotorq and rasa hidup kampong ni kan. Anak2 menakan saya semuanya excited gila and semua sebok cari mata kai and umpan cacing.

Kami anak beranak, tak kira pompuan ka laki semua turun bendang and aloq tu. Masa nak bubuh umpan cacing tu..... Eeeewwww saya geli gila tengok cacing ngan ulat yang depa korek tu.
Tak sanggup saya nak cucuk kat pancing saya. Last skali, saya suruh anak menakan saya Hakeem tulung bubuh kan. Hakeem ni baru darjah 1. Hahahaaaa... buat malu saja. depa semua gelak kat saya. eesssh tak kisah lah kan. Janji we had fun.

Ada la anak menakan saya yang pompuan2 tu menjerit-jerit sebab geli, boy cousins bukan nak tulung sangat sampai saya pulak yang terpaksa bubuh umpan ulat kat kail depa ni.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... geli siot! tapi saya pejam mata sajalah. Ulat tu siap kodek kodek plak masa saya tengah pegang. Urrrggghhhhhhhhh...

Bila dah senja baru kami balik rumah. Between 8 of us, kami dapat 20 ekoq ikan puyu, 5 ikan ghuan and 2 ekoq sepat. Waaahhh!!! saya syok giler lah sebab saya memang suka makan puyu ni. Favorite tu. Abang2 and kakak saya tak makan ikan darat ni. Pasai apa pun saya tak tau. Depa syok tangkap saja. Saya lah yang untung. Hehehehe...

Dlm gelap lah saya siang ikan2 tu. Dah la gelap, pastu nyamuk pun banyak. Habis kena ketit kiri kanan ataih bawah. Nasib baik lah anak menakan saya ada dok suluh toslet. Suruh depa tulung pun depa kata tak tau nak besiang ikan. Amboiiii budak2 ni. Dok kat kampong tapi siang ikan pun tak tau. Macam mana ni? Saya dulu umoq 12 tahun dah tau masak gulai ikan dah. Habih la depa kena kitai ngan saya. Basuh cukup cukup. Jgn nak harap mak pak buat semua benda. Kecik2 lah kena belajaq. Aparaaaa.

Acik pulak masa tu tengah sebok dok bakaq ikan temenung sampai 40 ekoq. Dinner malam tu memang saya rasa the best lah I had with my family. Ada ulam pucuk kadok, daun ubi, sambai belacan, gulai ikan bendi, ikan bakaq and puyu goreng. Adoiiii...simple yet very the sedap one. Rasa macam tak puaih saja. Tak tau bila buleh buat cam tu lagi. Tahun depan saya rasa macam tak balik saja. Memang lah tak sure lagi, tapi kalau ikut kiraan poket saya, macam tak mampu. Tengok lah nanti. Insyaallah, ada rezeki nanti nampaklah batang idung saya yang kemek ni.

when we were young...

I went home to see the family for the last time.

Sis in law, Ky picked me up from the airport, and my nieces and nephews, as always, were ecstatic to see me home. I have no shame to say that I am their favorite aunt. Hehehe... The one and only who manja all 13 of them.

However, Saturday nite was spent with friends. Initially, we plan to go to Padang Besar in the morning. I don't really have anything I want to get and because my flight was delayed, they left without me. Over dinner, Derk and Kec were telling me about the sceneries near ladang tebu in Chuping.

"Betul Wok, lawa giler. Aku tak sangka Perlis ada gak tempat cam ni"

"Tak yah gi overseas. Macam kat Queensland, and you have to see the oasis," according to Kec.

They showed a few pictures taken with their phones, and I have to admit that that pique me more. Obviously, I had to see this place so I pursuaded them to take me there.

Unlike me, my friends cannot go out so freely, be it during the day or night. They have inquisitive mothers who would screen every movement even though they're already married, especially Kec. Sometimes we laughed over this because she feels like she's still a kid instead of a woman in her 30s. Her mom wanted to see me but I avoided her because I know she would ask me to come home and be a teacher, just like her 3 daughters. No, thank you mam! And Derk's mom would always say "Tu nak pi tang mana? Nak pi perabih duit lagi lah tu."

Anyway, we managed to arrange for the trip since they kelentong their moms. Hehe.. that's my friends!

We left early Sunday morning and had breakfast on the go. The views are not too bad, but really, the weather didn't help. It was too bright. It would be excellent if we had dark cloud as in pre-rain. However, it was quite a good view at the viewing deck overlooking the sugarcane plantation.

The best thing about the trip is, however, not the sceneries. It is the quality time that we spent together. More like we reconnect all over again and it was so good to laugh ourselves silly. Just like all the fun times we had when we were young and adventurous. Mind you, I am still young and adventurous! But the things we did, we only have the memories to hold on to. Like the time when all 3 of us decided to shave our head, the all-girl fishing trips, the driving classes in the middle of the night and the cycling trips down Katy Trail. Aahhhhh...

It was so good that we decided to drive all the way to Padang Besar and I ended up shopping for the things I don't need. No regrets though. On the way home, I told them we should have a girlie trip every time I come home. It'd be fun, girls!

Lesson # 241: Next time, don't assume. Listen and be heard.

Tomorrow, I am off balik kampung again until the 13th. My flight back to the UK is confirmed on the 30th Dec, but I told my family that this will be the last time I'd be back. I simply don't have the strength to go back and forth frequently. And I do feel I want to spend more time here in KL.

Oh! I have yet to write about the first time I saw the whole clan after I came back, without my tudung. Though my sister has seen me without one last April, I didn't know whether she told the bros. I seriously didn't know what to expect.

I can't say that the bros are alim, but they are good practising Muslims. Na, especially, carries out his life ikut sunnah, if he can. He talks about hadis and wears lebai somemore. Initially I thought that he would be the one to strike against me. Or at least he would advise me to reconsider putting it back on. He did neither. He didn't even ask me the reason.

All these while I felt like I couldn't face them. I assume that they would be mad at me, therefore I isolated myself and zipped my lips on this matter. Now I realised it was a wasted effort. They are more understanding, more accommodating and more relaxed than I thought.

beautiful pontianak

A few of my friends have been telling me that I should watch Pontianak HSM II (No. 2), but I had to refrain myself because I hadn't watch the first one. I didn't want to be clueless. Btw, I found out from minamona's blog that HSM is a flower. Oh wow! That's new to me.

Yesterday, I finally found a copy of PHSM (No. 1) among the dusty vcds kept in the drawer. Three quarter into the first cd, suddenly there was a blackout. I wouldn't go into details of this problem, but obviously I got a little bit frustrated. I had to wait until today before I finished the whole movie, and by that I time, I was due to meet PS and Aces at Midvalley for the second installment.

I am impressed with No. 1. Not many Malay films offer interesting outlook in a new dimension and elaborate the depth to such details. I am sure there are flaws but I hardly noticed any (I'm bias when I like something).

In No. 2, a lot of the flashbacks may be a little bit confusing to those who tried to recall No. 1, but lucky me, they're still fresh in my memory. Everything looks very promising until halfway into the movie. The plot is, in my opinion, weak and a little bit off. Too much information to digest. As I watched more, I feel that there is no need for the producer/director to explain the scenes i.e. Meriam's Revenge, The Awakening. To me, it looks like as if they doubt the intelligence of the audience by trying to explain things in writing. If you get it, you get it. If you don't, tough!

I especially like the kuda kepang dances. Beautifully done. It does look real and in fact, I was told that these actually happened during performances. Kena rasuk they say.

All in all, hats off to the director. It's unfair to compare with other movies because different directors have their own ways and interpretation, yet I have to say that PHSM (No 1) has all the right ingredients for best film, even better than Sepet. No 2, however, is slightly behind.

These are good Malay films that I enjoy. I, as always, found that my cheeks are wet from the very beginning. Sad what... I kesian the pontianak. I would seek for revenge too if I were in her position. No way I'm gonna let them loose. I dendam sampai mati. Anyone violate my trust, hurt and betray me, you have been warned!

the devil temptation

Some people have been asking me about my previous blog and the reason I deleted it. You see, I only shifted the url and left it floating on the internet, but I wanted to think it over about the future of it (I often wonder whether blogs have future).

After almost two months, I decided to put it back up where it used to be, but apparently blogspot had a different idea. I couldn't use the old url and after a few hours of trying, I got really fed up and mad. It was spur of a moment. This morning, I felt sad because it's no longer there. I put such an effort in it and I loved every single thing I did to it. Ah well.

Lately, I am tempted to smoke. It all started when I went to dinner with Honeytar and Peanut. We reminisced about the crazy things we did in our younger years when suddenly I felt the urge. I haven't had one since April 2005. I didn't want to succumb to my urges so I managed to fight the nafsu. It wasn't so difficult.

I thought that the need for a smoke is just temporarily, yet I had the same urge for the last 3 days. It didn't help that I have a zippo lookalike in my bag. Today, I reckon the temptation was so much bigger and I long for the tabacco smell on my fingers. I gave in to the devil's temptation at 7-E and bought a 20pk Marlboro Menthol Lights.

I tried just one to see whether I like it or not, but I didn't even finish half of it. Rugi besar! I have to get used to the taste again.

Sunday bloody sunday....

Sunday was not exactly bloody. It was just to catch your attention. Gotcha!

It was just another fun (?) but certainly interesting day. I had a wedding at noon, tea at 3pm and trip to Singapore at 6pm. See, am I not a good planner?

This wedding will go down as the easiest and the most awkward one I ever attended. Because my friends had hiccups in the morning, I went alone. Also, because of tea I had to go later, I decided not to wear baju kurung and when I mentioned that to a friend, she blasted me for being insensitive. Ya Allah! Itu pun kena aah? I swear to God that wasn't what I had in mind. I guess I wanted to feel comfortable and wearing baju kurung was never a comfortable thing to me what with sweats dripping down my legs. eeeeyyeewwwwwww... Besides I warned the bride about my attire and she said it's fine for her. I took her word just as it is (as I always do), now you know so don't say that you haven't been told.

The little tea party was, errrmm... let's just say you never had one like that before. You know, I had never been asked to be a bodyguard in either in my current or previous life, but last sunday I was one. Yay for me!

As we got there earlier than her date, I can't help but find it funny when dz set up our sitting arrangements. She wanted to be between me and gs, without any space in between for the old gatal man to squeeze in. Hahaha...

The minute the guy walked in, we had bahasa isyarat going, with knowing eyes and smiles. Gs was trying to tell me something but I was blur so most of the times I couldn't read his lips. Saya blur la.

I don't think I was of any helps. While she was drilling the grandpa, I was giggling though I tried very hard to suppress my sengih and to look like I was interested. Especially when she made a comment he was very prolific, thank goodness he didn't quite catch it. Gila ke apa? 10 kids! Eh hello? You talking to a bunch of youngsters (we young what), I am seriously not interested in listening about you and your missing children. Ok lah I should be a little bit compassionate but I guess I was not feeling hospitable towards him. We had enough troubles of our own, thank you.

I noticed he has some kind of air or arrogance in him, maybe because he strike out on his own and is proud of his achievements, but he sure looked gatal with a capital G. Aiyyaaa gelilahh. The way he tucked his shirt, so very old fashioned one. SLK or not, he's definitely out thru the window faster than you can say 'bye'.

Gs, you dare say he fancied me, I kill you!

There were several times when we had awkward silences. I sure dunno what to talk with grandpa. We had nothing in common, hah! But I tell you, he said he was in Kolej Sultan Abdul Hamid. These kolej boys are notorious spoil brats! especially my batch.

After a moment, we ran out of things to say and I needed to be somewhere else, which I think turned out to be a good parting excuse. Dz, my advice to you is never ever reply to anything he send after this. Just ignore him. The grandpa is not worth your time, not even as friend. You're young, carefree and funny, shallow man be him young or old is not for you.

When we walked to the car, I think he did try to catch up with us. Mana tau, kot kot dia ingat he get to be alone with her. Bleeeaaghh!

Luckily the drive down to JB was fine. I don't think I can stand another drama. If everyday like this, I die ooooh.

what a pretty good week!

Since I been back, I've been keeping quite a busy social life. I am not complaining, in fact I am glad to meet friends.

If you know me before, you'd be surprised at this change of personality. I haven't ditch everything. I am still the same Ewok but there's an obvious change. I go out a lot more, I meet more people and make new friends which is good and for the better. Yet, I still believe that I am socially inept.

I go out but I hardly talk. I shy away from attention and I dislike finding out that people read me before though I admit it was very flattering in the beginning. Some of the things that I thought were private, should stay private. I am not ashamed but just... uncomfortable, I would say. Unlike some who like to boost about being pretty or having this and that kind of businesses or thirst for life, I like to remain under the surface. One has to know me in order to get to know me. Geddit?

Anyway, the last few days I have been tagging dz (poor her. she must be bored stiff having the quiet me around) to parties. Aiya.. no shame lah me. On thursday we had dinner at Rasta with Haji Malim and Ms Gymnast. If Haji reads this, I have to say that I still tak puas hati lah Aji. I have to take you out further than TTDI and Bangsar. If I have to drive you, I will. Hehehe...

Before sending me back to my car, Hj and I stopped at her workplace and waaalllaaaa.. I got a free tour of the studios. Thanks ye aji. I hope you got home safely and not sesat after that. Btw, Haji Malim the cat does exist and not just an imagination of the owner.

Since Friday lunch is always longer than usual, I decided to meet old friends at Putrajaya. All of them had something worth complaining. Their bosses, the workload, the unfairness, the cold treatment, their longing and frustrations. I knew it all for I had them once, not too long ago. The massage session I had later turned out to be real good as stress reliever since my back pain has now totally disappeared. Thank goodness for zen.

You know, for a lone ranger like me, having to go to 3 parties on a Saturday is, well, a bit too much. The bbq at Ju's was a success if we judge by how fast the chickens and kebabs were consumed. My dear friend is a good cook. She especially made her famous mee kari for me. Other than that we had pulut kuning, rendang, nasi himpit, cakes and lotsa puddings. All homemade.

With my hair smelling like I just lepas kena salai, I zoomed to dz's for two more parties. For the first time, I met Sharon Bakar and she turned out to be a lovely bubbly woman. I admit I was blur as I sat at a table mostly dominated by either writer or editor.

It's kinda funny when someone thought that dz and I are sisters. (Ewok geleng kepala) Look at me, I'm like a sore thumb whereas she's pretty and slim. Two different looks and we're sisters?! Haha!

The last party was cool. Though my tummy was full, food were absolutely brilliant. I was more the observer (told you I dunno how to talk) and listening to them gays, I find that they are real fun to be with. Hilarious! But hmmm... looking at the gay mags proved to be a waste of time. Where are the men for us, I ask?


Sunday: to be continued..

why i would die for my friends?

Sometimes I wonder how does it feel to live the life of a socialite. What time do they wake up? What they do since they're not busting their arses working. When their night ends? What's in their minds?

My guess is probably thinking about ways to spend more money. Outdo each other.

What to wear? Ohhhh... Gucci izzit?

Where to dine? To see and to be seen.

Gossip, scandal and bitching. They know it all.

Tak penat ke?

Do they really have friends in the circle? Friends who will stand by you by hook or by crook.

1. I have a friend whom I had known since I was 5. We went to the same schools, college and uni. We lived together for a while. Though we seldom see each other, but I know she's there. My mum was her mum's good friend. Our fathers bonded like brothers. And when my mum died, her's did her best to help me leave the country. I went to see them few weeks ago. Her father is now half deaf but her mum is still beautiful. They still treat me like a child they knew back then and for a while, I felt I was loved again.

2. There was a friend who had been my back bone for the last few years for without her, I wouldn't survive. A friend, who crossed every boundary, any obstacles; who would help no matter what situation I was in. Whose family accepted and love me like their own. She is a sister and a friend rolled into one. There's no other like her.

3. One good friend's wise advice is a sooth to the ears, and that's what make me realised I had a gem in my circle. What I love about her is that she doesn't care what others think. She is honest to the point of being brutal. She will poke at logic and rationale and make you eat your words, but deep down I know she cares and loves me enough to see that I don't do myself any harms.

4. Then, there were new friends whom I met in the past few months. Sometimes, just by listening and reading, you know what kind of person they are and whether they are worth your time. Every time you find out something about them, you broaden your horizon. New friends who share your likes and dislikes, suffer the same loss, hold the same values and dream for almost heaven. Every single moment spent with them I consider a pool of wealth. I am lucky to have discovered great, smart and beautiful people. If I could, I want to frame them for I am scared they will leave so soon.

I am a peasant. I only have friends and not pots of gold.

blimey tummy!

Thru out the night, I had a very disturbing night. My diarrhea had become worst. So this morning, I head straight to the clinic after I got a car.

No one was around so it was really quick. Dr. Norliza was pleasant but soft spoken. Half the time I couldn't hear the things she said. Weird though since I had lost a lot of water and mineral, I expect to be given some kind of salt or some sort like that. In the end, I came back with some antibiotic, pills and nothing else. The good doctor must have thought that I am just a lazy bitch trying to feign sickness to get an mc. Ohh! And I had a spliting headache just looking at the lists on her wall!

so many things to write....

but nothing comes out.

The last few weeks saw me running back and forth KL-Kedah-KL. Damn tired! It's kinda weird because seems like I've been having a lot of health problems ever since. Been coughing non-stop since after raya. After the family trip to Langkawi, I had fever and terrible (I mean really horrible) cough. And yesterday, I started having back pain and it's killing me at night. To make matter worst, today, my tummy is acting up with diarrhea.

Arrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When it's ever gonna stop!!!?

I promise myself I will write about everything I've been through this holiday. Had some great memories as well as bad. Be patient. Words don't come easily.

I swear if someone asked me to teman her watch Harry Potter, I'd cast a spell and turn her into turnip! Last night, I went to teman another friend and I realized I must be crazy. I know I have time in my hands but watching HP for the 3rd time is plain cuckoo. Movie is not bad but maaannn... lama siot, and the ads are just the same ol boring stuff!

btw, Viktor Krum is yummy. the strong and silent type. aaaaahhhhhhhhhh...

Old entries

Felt like posting entries from former blog just to recollect old memories.

Stories begin again

For me to start another blog just as I closed the first one is a wonder. How the heck am I gonna do it? Nevertheless, I believe that I was born a blogger.

This blog is just a place to tell stories and rants of any kinds, in reality or fantasy. After all, we are just actors playing our parts.

Kenapa? Tak percaya ke?

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri

In about 30 minutes, taxi will be here to pick me up for Heathrow. I'm going home! Time for a well deserved break.

I had a great time here, making new friends and sharing life experiences. I couldn't ask for more. Though it's kinda hard to leave but it's time to take a step back.

Hopefully, when I come back to the blog world, everything will be fresh and better than before.

To all, I wish you enjoy life. Be good. Thank you for the wonderful year and please forgive me for any wrongdoings or comments that may have hurt you directly or indirectly.

Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin.

See you when I see you.

road to victory

8 months ago, I made a pact with myself. I had to do something about my ever disturbing battle with willpower.

It was nowhere near I want it to be. And the problem I had kept getting worse and it went up to... here (choking my neck) So, a drastic measure had to be taken.

It was really hard in the beginning, I kept postponing and making excuses even though I'd set the dateline on 15 Oct. In a few days, I will run out of time. The months have passed quite fast and I'm sad to say that I'm not even close to my target.

It was not impossible to do it in time I'd given myself, yet I didn't manage to achieve it. Mmmmm.. Looks like procrastination is still my big problem.

Though I haven't got what I aim for, I cannot say that I have failed. No. It would be wrong to say that. Instead of starting in Feb, I only started getting serious about it after my birthday. Ok, so I was a few months late, but I did do it and there's no turning back now.

Along the way, I am happy that I had push myself. It wasn't a perfect journey. Over and over again I keep losing willpower but somehow manage to regain it after pep talking myself. I had never gone this far before or felt any better. I cannot ruin what little victories I got.

I may not get what I want immediately, but I'm on the road to my destination. Hey... I'm actually halfway there, and that should be a good indication, isn't it?

No worries, Ewok. You will get there somehow.

friendship like ours

It is rare that you meet someone
who with that first smile
becomes your friend

Someone who knows nothing
about you one day
and all your secret thoughts the next

Someone who asks for nothing
in return for friendship
but friendship itself

Someone who makes it just as easy
to share sadness
as it is to share joy

I found that rare someone
when I found you.
And like a precious memory
a friendship like ours is forever

Dawn M.Miller

Untukmu Ibu

Warning: Long and winding entry. Avoid if you don't want to get bored.

This Ramadhan is just going to be like the previous ones. Life has become quiet and less lively. Last puasa, I spent time in London and went walking down River Thames on first day of raya. I didn’t know anybody here and I wasn’t ready to get to know anybody.

When Mak was around, bulan puasa was the most anticipated time of the year. I enjoyed going home although I was only away from home 3 Ramadhans before she passed away.

Usually, one month before puasa, she would always go to a place called Tandop or Seberang Perak, looking for chicks. She would buy 30 ekor anak ayam for Ateh to bela and jaga in time for Ramadhan. As we start puasa, Bapak and Ateh would sembelih the ayams every other day. Sometimes, Ateh and I went running around the backyard chasing and trying to catch the chickens. Everyday was a feast. I remember everytime we were having ayam percik, I was entrusted as the tukang panggang. Oh how I loved it especially when I cannot puasa. Mak has a special recipe for marinating them, which I am now trying to master the way she did it with the right amount of the ingredients.

In our house, we never buy any food from the bazaar. Mak always cooked. She has a passion for food. Mak liked to get everything ready quite early. By 3 p.m., she would start mixing ingredients, be it cucurq udang, karipap, sfera, cucurq keria etc etc. If I feel like eating something, I need only to say it and she would make them for me. She knew I loved mee rebus, (not to be confused with mee bandung or mee kari, mee rebus is different and normally known to DKK) and when I come home from college, she would make sure I had my favorites on the table the first day I was home.

Throughout Ramadhan, I became her ever faithful assistant. I remember sometimes there were days when I sulked because the day was hot and all I wanted to do was lying around and doing nothing. Now, I realized that that were the quality times I spent with her. Nothing could ever take the memories away from me as they are so precious and close to my heart. I spent so much times with her at home that there were so much of her knowledge passed down to me, of which I need to carefully recall as I had subconsciously buried them.

She used to make cendul from scratch. I don’t know what she put in the mixture but I remember she mixed flour with air daun pandan to get the color green. She had this periuk that had lots of lubang. I think it was Bapak who punched the lubang with his nails and hammer. Once the thick mixture was ready, she would pour into the periuk. Underneath the periuk was a bucket of cold water. She would use batang anak pokok pisang to stir and press in the periuk. The mixture that plopped down through the lubang was hardened by the cold water to become isi cendul that was far better than the ones sold at the bazaar.

We are lucky because I think we were spoilt food-wise. Mak always preferred to prepare homemade food rather than buying. We had the best, all natural and free of any artificials. Gone were those days.

In the late afternoon, after all the food was ready, Mak would fill several plates to give away to the neighbors. She always made extra. I liked it when I bring them over to each house. The anticipation to find out what the neighbors would give back. It wasn’t that we expect them to return our gestures but it was just a matter of courtesy. The waiting and game guessing of who made what was fun for me and Ateh. I hardly came home empty handed.

When we break fast, we never ever eat rice first. In fact we hardly had rice. Normally, it would be meehoon, mee etc. Nasi was only for soq (sahur) only. We would only have drink, a few bites of the cucurq and dates and off we go for a prayer. After prayer, we would then resume dinner. The first Ramadhan I was away from home, I cried buckets on the phone to Mak. I missed home terribly, yet I was only in Shah Alam and already 18!

I loved the time when it was getting close to raya. She always had people ordering baulu from her. She made the best baulu in the kampung, only RM10 for 100 pieces. When I was very little, I liked eating the burned baulu so she kept them for me. At least, they were not wasted. As I grew up, I became quite picky and I didn’t want them anymore. I went for the golden fluffy, which are supposed to be sold to the customers. So, she told me off and made me make my own baulu. At 6 a.m., she would prepare ingredients ie eggs and sugar using her Moulinex. This would go on forever until she finished all 30 or 50 eggs for the day.

In the meantime, as the first batch of eggs and sugar was well beaten, she would add the flour and mix them slowly. I had to learn how much to put in the acuan, too much it would balloon up, too little it would look like my hidung penyek. The baulu was baked not in an oven but in a primitive way with dapur minyak tanah, claypot and bara sabut. I learnt that in the claypot, sands and wet papers were used as a shield or barrier to prevent the api from baking the bottom part of baulu faster that the upper part. Oh, I am confusing myself, but as long as I can visualize this, I think I am still ok.

2 weeks before raya, we would start our cookies sessions. Mak and I loved baking cakes and cookies and we liked to try many new recipes. This reminds me that I will have to do a thorough search for her thick recipe books. We never buy biskut raya when Mak was still alive. No way Jose! The must have biskut raya were samperit, biskut makmur, cornflakes (our own style – I’ve never seen it at any other house except at Wa’s) and baulu. The rest of the biskut raya were trial and error. At one raya, between the two of us, we made about 20 odd types of biskut and 6 different cakes. Excuse me, but we all had different tastes and not willing to sacrifice our cakes. Moist choc cake for me, fruit cake for Bapak, marble cake for Mak, kek lapis for Aci, orange for Na and kek batik for Ateh. Phewww!

As we get closer to raya, there were the ketupat to do. Mak made the ketupat palas as well as ketupat nasi because Javaman is orang Johor. I was forced to learn menganyam daun kelapa, but I do enjoy making ketupat palas. It’s one of the skills I haven’t forgotten.

In a way, I guess I am anak Mak. I will always try to cook or imitate her style. Nothing else is better than Mak’s.Sometimes, the child in me felt like protesting. I wanted to play mercun with Ateh. One night, many Ramadhan ago, I defied arahan Mak and went out to play. As I was coming home, I tripped over a big batu on the road and injured my leg. Until today, I still bear the huge scar on my right knee. It is ugly and there’s nothing I can do about it but it is also served as a reminder to me.

Gosh! There’s so much to recall and write about home. Words don’t come as easily to me. And some things made me really sad and I weep as I remember them.

Oh ibu,
Kau disiram bayu pagi
Kehilangan terasa kini
Dan kesepian
Dan aku bagai purnama gerhana
Di ibarat lautan kering
Tiada tempat kulayarkan
Hasratku ini
Masih belum sempat
Ku buktikannya kepadamu
Ibu tersayang
Ku curahkan rahsia hati
Ku tatapi potret mu berulang kali
Ku renungkan kalimah yg diberi
Tuhan yang Esa
Ampuni dosa ibu
Tempatkan mereka
Di antara kekasih-kekasih mu
Oh ibu
Kau kasih sejati
Ku taburkan doa
Untukmu ibu
Ampunilah dosa ku
Sejak ku dilahirkan
Hingga akhir hayatmu
Di saat ini ku teruskan hidup
Tanpa bersama mu ibu
Kini aku
Hilang tempat mengadu
Oh ibu
Damailah engkau di sana
Kutaburi doa mewangi
Hanya dari anakmu
Ibu

The Boy will sit for his PMR this week. I think dah berbuih mulut Aci and Javaman bising at him, suruh study.

If he failed his Arab, they will kick him out of the maktab.

Boys... why are they just lazy? Bila tanya, dia buat buat bz study. Konon.

Good luck, boy. Many more tests coming your way soon. A sign that you are now growing up and becoming a man.

May you be a good one.

It's October. The countdown to a closure.

You know you're addicted to blogging if:

• If you can’t access the site, you have a minor freak out - and a major case of hitting reload.
• You found yourself composing journal entries during dates, movies, driving, dinner, etc.
  When you’re out, you suddenly think of a witty reply to a comment somebody made to you… several days ago.
• You’ve downloaded some sort of program which has only the purpose of making entries easier to write without going on the site manually.
• You consider it a great offense if someone deletes you off their friend’s list.
• The first thing you do every day when you go online is check your friends journals - even before checking your email.
• When your friends ask what’s new, you get mad at them because you already wrote it in your blog and they didn’t check it yet.
• You can’t seem to call your friends by their real names.
• You have written posts to notify people you’re going to sleep.
• You talk about your blog friends to your real life friends all the time… like they’re a part of your group.
• You’ve created a blog community, and people actually post in it.
• You’ve been recognized in real life by fellow bloggers.
• Instead of doing research, you post difficult questions on your blog.
• You’ve stopped being friends with someone in real life because of something they’ve said on their blog.
• You have consoled yourself after a horrible day thinking “At least this will make a great post”
• You’re jealous of people who have more friends and/or comments than you.
• You have written a really great, solid post - only to be disappointed by the lack of good comments.
• You’re guilty of commenting excessively to get more traffic to your blog.
• You give shout outs to all your blog friends on their birthdays.
• You have an additional, secret journal that hardly anyone knows about.
• You have gotten mean anonymous comments and you can figure out who it was via their IP.
• You have more blog friends than real life friends.
• You're blogging in your head before you fall asleep.
• Your out of town husband and you converse in your blog's comments.
• You tell your friends and family things like, "I'll ping you and you ping me back," or "Okay, I want to trackback on your last comment..."
• You blog in your head an event that's happening at that very moment!
• You actually take the time to figure out how to set up Active Desktop in Windows just so that you can make your Bloglines MyBlogs page your Windows background.
• And then you actually leave it that way because you like it... and you make that your browser home page.
• You check your journal more than 10 times a day, or even 10 times an hour.
• You have more Journal Comment Alerts in your mailbox than spam.
• Your best friends have screen names and URLs instead of real names and street addresses.
• You log down the number on your hit counter before you sign off at night and check it first thing in the morning. You record these numbers for future reference.
• You have actually been late for work because you were reading your favorite journals.
• You family has to leave a comment on your journal to get your attention.
• You turn the volume up when you walk away from the computer so you can hear when the alert alarm sounds.
• Being the #1 Editor's Pick is more important to you then winning a Pulitzer Prize.
• You do the blog quizzes and post the results for everyone to see.
• You have been tagged for a meme, played along and later on you tag other bloggers.
• You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are blog addicts.

Not til she's ready

Last night, two people couldn't sleep, so they hang out in the living room. One was so engrossed with her computer while the other was just staring into the empty space.

"You said you were lonely," the person broke the ice.

"I was," she said.

"But don't you think you made yourself feel that way? Why don't you go out? Join a class or something." The person was judging her.

"I was busy, but I was also lonely."

"You were busy then, but now you can do something. All I see was you sitting in front of the computer."

"You wouldn't understand. I kept myself busy with work but, sometimes, that didn't cure my loneliness. I found friends through my computer when you weren't around. Now that you're here, don't expect me to leave my computer and entertain you. You know, dance or swimming classes require commitment, something I don't have during this limited time I have left."

Both of them remained quiet. The person, then, retired to bed.

She couldn't - wouldn't- be pressured by people she hardly knew to make decision that involved her life. She knows she's lost. She's lazy, perhaps. But no one can tell her what to do, not until she's ready to push herself.

No, there was only one person she could completely trust and depend on, and that was herself. Even if others meant well, she has to learn from her own mistakes.

She realized that years ago when she'd known the pain of loss, the fear of desertion and failure.It's foolish to worry about it. This feeling. It appeals as much as it frightens. It tempted her to daydream, and she'd almost given up on fantasies.

Not yet.

labu on a sunday

Hari ni, labu penat dan sakit badan. Bangun tidorq pun matahari dah tegak. Lepaih tu, dok melangut tak tau nak buat apa.

Semalam, apa mimpi tah, manusia2 yang buat labu sakit hati tu masak and served dinner untuk labu. Hmmm... nak ambik hati lah tu. Peeeraaahh!

Depa ajak labu pi mengedik kat The Sports Cafe. Ohhh... labu kalau pasai bab bab menari ni ok saja. The last time labu pi sana dj dia main lagu bukan main best lagi, so tu lah tak lepaih chan kali ni.

Dari pukui 12 sampai pukui 3 pagi. Lembek kaki. Bas nak balik ghumah pulak on diversion, jenuh berjalan kaki. Last last taxi jugak lah jawabnya.

Tapi labu rasa berbangga dengan diri sendiri. Sebab all the time dok berdisko, labu minum oren jus saja without vodka and tak isap rokok pon. In fact dah dekat 6 bulan dah tak buat benda benda tu. Alhamdulillah.

La ni, kena pi cari makan. Laparq nya bukan main lagi. Mawar, tunggu labu nak pi makan kat sana nooo.

kisah si labu

Hari ni aku nak lepas geram.

Semalam bila aku balik keje, aku tengok ada orang kat rumah ni guna laptop aku lagi. Dah la tu, siap masuk baca blog aku and tinggal komen pulak tu. Ceh... tah tah dia ada baca bout beberapa entries aku dok mengutuk dia sebelum ni.

Nasib ko lah labu.Tapi, ni lah satu bende yang aku tak gemar. Harta aku dah dibuat macam harta sendiri pulak. Banyak cantik?!!!

Aku ni consider tak kedekut lah, sebab bila depa nak guna or pinjam apa-apa barang, aku mesti bagi punya. Dengan syarat, tanya lah dulu kan.

Sejak dua menjak ni, ada lah sorang kawan si Kfiatek ni mai dok menumpang kat rumah kami. Aku kenal minah ni, so bila dia mintak nak guna laptop sebab nak hantar cv, aku bagi lah. Aku offer jugak kalau nak guna hp aku sebab talk plan aku tu free to mana mana networks pun.

Pompuan ni kan, bagi betis dia nak paha pulak. Eessh.. tak boleh nak buat baik sikit, mesti adeee je orang nak pijak kepala. Ni yang aku tak tahan ni.

Aku paling geram betul lah time aku dok guna lappy, dia mai menempek kat sebelah aku dok tengok apa aku buat. Aku pelempang sekali kang baru tau! Aku punya suka lah nak buat apa pun, chat ka blog ka. Harta aku!

Tah apa tah depa buat dengan lappy aku ni, semalam tak leh nak open satu hapa ke benda program pun. Nak switch off pun tak boleh. Kalau ikutkan hati aku yg tengah hangat time tu, aku maki depa, tapi aku ni tak reti. Bodoh! Tu lah pasal aku jugak yang kena pomen sendiri after bergayut berjam-jam dengan mamat kat pc helpline.

Satu hal lagi ni pasai blog and bloggers' attitude.Kalau nak ikutkan, blog is tempat nak melepas geram, nak merapu, nak buat biskut, nak mandi bogel. Ikut suka hati hang lah apa hang nak tulis. Broken english, manglish, bob marley-ish, lantak ler. After all, masa aku dan hang beranak dulu lidah mak kita bukan lidah omputih pun.

Tapi yang tak syoknya, bila ada pulak bloggers yang jeles dengan other bloggers. Apahal? Ada orang tanya aku, pehal dina blog kat sini. Awat? Tak boleh ka? Aku nak tulis apa pun, aku nak invite sesapa pun, aku punya blog, hangpa peduli apa! Kadang-kadang tu pasai link mengelink pun boleh jadi hal (sigh)

Tengok gaya, bloggers ni ramai jugak yang 3 suku, macam aku jugak lah kan. Nak buat cam mana, semuanya repressed. Perangai kat luarq tu lain, kat blog lain. Yang macam hantu pun ada, yang macam jemuan pun ada.

Entah lah labu, apa nak jadi pun aku tak tau.

Aku ni dah duduk serumah dengan bermacam macam jenis org dah. Italian, Hungarian, Brazillian, Polish, Eritrean, Portugese etc etc. Dari permerhatian aku lah, antara depa ramai-ramai, orang yang mai dari poland ni aku consider paling kedekut.

Sebenarnya aku rasa depa tak lah teruk sangat. Depa ni rajin and memang kuat keje cuma kadang-kadang tu aku rasa meyampah sebab depa ni berkira sangat sampai ke last penny. Kalau boleh semuanya nak free je. Malas dah aku nak bersocialise dengan depa ni.

Lebih baik hidup sendiri. Alaa... nanti mati pun sorang jugak.Sigh.

Apa la hang merapu, labu?

Sometimes, I don't get it.

Malaysians are obsessed with branded things. Ok I admit I was guilty of the same crime long time ago. I remember my time in the States. We bought DKNY, Nine West and errr... honestly that's all I remember. Opss.. there's more. My cousins told me to buy Correlle, Mikasa bla bla bla. I was influenced.

When I look back, I feel sooo stupid.In April, when my sister was here, we went to meet a few of her friends scattered in the UK. What tickles me was that every one of them wants to bring back a beemer or merc. They work like mad, because that's their aim. Driving a beemer shows the kind of status one acquired.

Once in a while, someone whispered to me, 'cari duit banyak-banyak and then bila balik bawak la mercedes satu.' Hello? You think I'm like you izzit? I only want Toyota RAV4, hehe, but living the life of a pauper, there's no way I can pay road tax and insurance. But sometimes orang ni hold on to the pepatah, biar papa asal bergaya.

It's the same with shoes. I wear Nike because it's comfortable, pasar malam punya pun I tibai je, but I recalled a few incidents where I heard 'it's Nike, babe, NIKE.'

So what? Bapak ko punya kilang ke?

The one thing I dread is when I go home people will ask about my job. 'Keje apa?' Eksekutip ke? Tak. Keje kutip sampah je. Huurrghhh..Ok.

Now that I got that out of my system, I can go back to my rubbish truck.

end of blog life

I’ve been thinking of shutting the blog down for quite some times now. I know, I know, some of you who occasionally read it might care.

I started the blog because I was lonely. How, you might ask, with all the things happening in London? Well, you wouldn't understand it. I came here looking for something that weren't there. And I felt lonely during the process because that's the truth. I am here all alone. Thanks to OJ, I found blog and the rest is history.

In the last few weeks, I don’t feel inspired, anymore. I don’t feel like I want to write, anymore. Ah well. I’ve run out of things to say. It’s kinda funny because I hardly have a lot of things to begin with. I was feeling frustrated with my writing, as you know I'm not really a writer, a blogger yes, but a real writer no, and so I was feeling like I was running out of ideas, and I was putting a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to be more witty and lighthearted with my posts, but to be honest, everything I wrote felt forced and insincere.

As you get to know me, I feel that sometimes I have to censor myself from writing an honest entry. Also, I think I had revealed many stories about my family more than I realized. I guess it’s time to take a back seat and be quiet.

I haven’t had this site for long. In fact, on Oct 21st, it’s going to be one year old. I will be home for my long holidays and probably won't have enough time for this site. Initially, I didn’t think I would last this long. The thing is blogging has taken so much of my time. Precious time that I could have spent doing something else. It’s like sleep blog, eat blog, everything blog.

It’s great while it lasts but I think I had enough.From blogging alone to having a guest blogger, I had enjoy this so much. It’s kinda sad too because through this blog, I made new friends and met wonderful people. I have also found family connection and long lost friends who stumbled upon my blog.

I have voiced my frustration to Lil Ms D a lot of times and we both agreed that this blog will cease to exist on its birthday. It's just a matter of finding the right time. Dinsy, you are a great source of inspirations. Love you to bits. But what has to be done has to be done. Thank you for coming on board and sharing this space with me. Your friendship is something I treasure. Never in a million years had I thought this could happen. You have the heart of an angel and I am honoured, you know.

Truthfully, I am grateful for the friendships offered and created over the months. I can never thank you enough for all comments. You guys have enough patience to read awful lots of stupid rants and have helped me during my darkest moods. To some of you, I apologize for not visiting your blogs often in the last few weeks. There are too many blogs to read but too little time.

Maybe one day, you may accidently find my new blog as I embark on another adventure, which is what I am trying to do. I am not giving any hints but who knows, kan? In the meantime, all I want to say is, so long, farewell.

Notting Hill Carnival

I'm dead tired. Went with Maury and spent 5 hours wiggling and jiggling with the crowd, and I tried some of the Carribean food. There were loads of other food stalls and I even found M'sians selling karipap, satay, murtabak and pergedil. Not really tempted, sowwee.The song Nookie, proves to be the favorite to be played over and over by every group that took part.Huaaaarghh... soooo penat. Hafta sleep now. Just gonna let the pictures do the talking.