Go with the Flow

Thing hasn't gone horribly wrong. Not yet.

I've been thinking, rather unusual of me, of going home. A few years back, I was determined to stay for at least 5 years. I wanted to lose myself here and let myself float with the current . Or if you put it the other way around, I want to find myself. I didn't know what I want so, I came here to dig out.

Torn. That's what I am. Between here and there.

I know, I know. I can hear you saying solat istikharah. See, I can read your mind :) I want to do it. I know I have to. I am just not ready to see what will be revealed to me. What happens when I was shown one direction and I choose the other? And when the thing starts to go wrong, I will regret for the rest of my life.

There is no such thing as the right life. Or the right kinda car or shoes. I guess.

There is only one thing to do. To find the opportunities and make the best out of them. Whether they are the right ones for you, who cares? Right?

Do you know what frustrates me sometimes? The feeling of helplessness. I don't know how to deal with it. All my life, I have been in control of the things I want to do, the places I want to go or even the color of my trainers. I fixed my own lighter. I put together the IKEA shelves and desk. I could even fix the damned VCR.

I am not used to having people do things for me, and when they do, I dunno what to say. Always, I questioned myself when on rare occasion, someone did something good to me. Was he sincere? This may sound corny, but I do stuffs for people, not just friends, because that's how I'm built. But I'm so used to being taken for granted that I kinda accept it. What else can I do?

They figure, 'aah.. never mind, she can help us with things'. 'She can help us move', 'she can put my friend up for the night'.

It hurts. Is that all I am to you? Not more than a convenience? Just because I am available doesn't mean that I am willing to be taken for a ride.

Right now, I feel like my control is a bit shaky. I can't decide where I want to go. I told myself, it's ok to be scared and sad. When the fog is gone, I will have a clear way. I hope for spring soon.