of lousy thoughts

Everyday, for the last few nights, I had difficulty in sleeping. I was lying on the bed, turning left and right, sometimes for hours with my eyes wide open. Last night, I slept at 5:30am. The night before, it was almost 4am before I went to slumberland.

There must be something wrong. Or something that I worry about. Except that I dunno what it is.

When I was younger, I used to have a lot of suicidal thoughts. Thinking about the many different ways to end my life. I felt I was not up to the par. It was like my existence was not worth a dime, and I was just another faceless figure. I could have saved the space in the school yearbook. I drifted apart, just by being on my own.

What do they have that I don't have?

Look. Brain. Curve. Style. Boyfriend. Confidence. Love. Money. Car. Personality. Attitude. Sparks. Self-esteem. The lists can go on and on. I never knew how to get them.

At school, I was a bully. Ah well, not really. But we have a gang and we called ourselves Mizz Kids after the tv series The Whizz Kids. There were 5 of us, KL, N, A, S and me. Each of us even had a badge and membership card with our pseudo names. And of course we were not the popular ones in school, or else why do we need a gang for?

We were insecure and needed attention but we were low on self-esteem. We were loud, we trashed things, we bullied the juniors and we sucked up to the teachers. All of us had problems at home, different matters but still problems. We were close and we did many things together yet never talked about the things that screwed our heads. All the little things that, when you put them together, became bigger than a football pitch.

I had a grudge with my father. He never came to pick my report cards and see my teachers when I was in school. Not once. He was always busy with work (he was a teacher, that puzzled me the most) and never find time to come. I remember Acik came once, but the rest of the times, I brought them back. I altered some marks too because I was scared of being scolded for getting the red ink written all over the page.

I took an easy way out. I have been running ever since.

I was insecure. I still am, maybe. And I still don't have things on the list, but at least I'm trying to deal with my demons. I psyche myself up. Especially when I read some of my favorite blogs, I feel motivated. They're good vitamins for me. I maybe dumb but I know I have the ability. I had never pushed myself and never explored that part of me, but I know I can.

I am crawling. Be patient.