of my family

On Thursday, I had only one appointment at The Dominion. It was still early so I decided to treat myself to a movie and went to see Geisha. It is beautifully done, and gosh! Both Ziyi and Michelle are very beautiful.

In a way, I feel sad watching it. She said she wanted a life of her own. An impossible wish for a woman during her time. She has no choice but to follow the path set for her.

Not many women get to live their life their way. Let's face it. Our mothers and most women before them were basically confined to a certain life, a certain rules. They didn't have a choice. With no education or skills, they only did what they know best.

I remember my own mother. I wanted to write more about her now that I finally stop grieving. No, no that's not right. I am still grieving but I have come to term with my loss. The guilt that I had is no longer there. I am able to remember her in a different light.

I do cry once in a while, just because I miss her, but I can now talk about her openly. It has been 10 years last December.

When I was home for raya, all of us gathered at Aci's house. Na has said that we are going to follow a tradition that our parents had set years ago. As it was only us, I can see that every one of us really do love each other. And I am glad that our family is not infected with a disease I call hasad dengki.

Some people, when their parents died, they started talking about harta and stuffs, and became distant. These things become one of the causes in family feuds. I know for a fact that that's what happened to my aunt's family. Our cousins are wary of each other and one of the male cousins is not talking to his mom because he thought she favored the others. Their family is a gone case. I'm not saying that we are perfect, but we try to avoid all the things that can destroy our family.

Whenever we had different opinions or plans for the family enterprise or just advise to give, the adults in our family would sit at night talking about them. That's the way it should be. We have no one else but ourselves. I would have never thought about raising my voice to Aci or Na. I can't even address myself as 'aku' because I remember the last time I did that, I kena cili with Mak.

When Mak decided to give a piece of land to Ateh, she asked my opinion about it. The rest didn't know about this because they were away at that time. Her rationale was that the rest of us are able to fend for ourselves and find our own fortunes, but Ateh needs to be looked after. She wanted to give him the land so that he could work and create a mean of income for himself.

I had no objection. I agreed with her reason. So, I took her to the land office and helped her with the change of deed. When the rest found out about it years later, they didn't even object to that. I thought maybe Na or Acik would have showed some disappointment, or at least questioned about it because it was I, the youngest kid in the family, budak hingusan, who broke the news to them. They just took my word and get on with it. It was unbelievable. I didn't know that they could be so calm and accepting. No question asked.

I love it when I see the nephews and nieces are very close. They treat each others like brothers and sisters. Aci can scold Na's son without any qualm and vice versa, because that's just the way we are. I can scold any of the kids, and get away with it too, because I'm their aunt. Hehehe... They will only say, 'haa... dengaq kata Ucu!' They love me.

The other day, Aci told me that Ateh mengadu to her about Acik. Well, you see we all respect Acik for what he did and contributed to our family enterprise. But this ex-engineer aah, he sure knows his mechanical and chemical stuffs but knows nothing about management. All of us are at our wits end trying to stir him back to our original masterplan. I don't know what else to do.

You see, our family started an enterprise to help Ateh build a foundation in his life. He is a special person with slight autism. In another word, his brain works really slow and he has difficulty in communications. Acik was entrusted by all of us and the parents to manage everything, and he is man enough to carry such burden for the sake of his brother. He resigned from his job and began his life as a farmer. Not many man can give up his career and do that, and for that, I love him more than ever.

Well, back to my story about Ateh mengadu to Aci, it's nothing actually. It was just that I feel sayu when I heard about it, because he had no one to talk to. His wife is not that clever nor helpful, and with no mother to turn to, he sat there mumbled about his frustation to Aci. She has become a substitute to Mak.

If Mak was around, she would probably know how to console him. It's sad really. There were times when I feel that there's so much I want to talk to my brother. To tell him that one day everything will be alright. That he has us to look after him. That whatever happens, he can count on us. Yes, we hugged we saw each other and I showed my love through material things. I gave him more than I gave the others, but I never knew what to say. How does a sister tell her austistic brother that? After all, he will just nod and says he knows it, and get on with his chores. He probably wouldn't understand the depth of my feelings for him.

Gosh! I am crying as I type this. It's not because I'm ashamed of him or pity him or whatever, but because I am proud that he is so brave and strong. I crumbled and cried buckets when Mak passed away, how did he cope with his loss? I often wonder and feel that I should ask except I don't know if he can find the words to describe his feelings. He doesn't know how to express his thoughts.

Maybe I underestimate him. I dunno. Except for one subject for special population at the uni, I never had any training about special people. We just go along and do the best we can.

But it crosses my mind, maybe our best is not good enough?