I woke up on Sunday with swollen eyes and headache as big as telur unta.Some years ago, I used to wake up in the middle of the night with wet eyes. Crying in sleep is not my favourite thing to do but it just happened. Sometimes I think I ni macam Ning Yatimah pulak, ratu airmata zaman dulu dulu tu.
You might think that I’m drowning in self-pity and wallowing of the past. Think what you like. I don’t need to justify. Only now I realized it’s time to talk about it.
*****
Mak was coming home. You know orang tua, they don’t like to stay in a hospital and they would rather be in a familiar surrounding. Before she came home, I had to make sure that the house was in perfect order. Didn’t want her to come home to a house behaving badly.
Doc gave a green light to take her home but her whole body was like half paralysed. But lucky for her, the stroke was just mild. She still couldn’t move and she had to depend on us, but we were told that if she eat right and exercise regularly, she'd be back on her feet in no time at all.
Dah kemas bilik and all, but Mak bersungut dowan to stay in the bedroom. Rimas agaknya. Even though Mak tak boleh bercakap sangat tapi kalau letak telinga dekat dekat, boleh paham lah apa dia nak bagitau tu.
Because Mak taknak stay in the room, we prepared the bed in the living room. Masa tu tak kisah lah sebab the most important was Mak’s comfort. Lagipun the area is big, senang nak care for her.
Sebenarnya, I can’t remember whether the bros and sis balik kampong to see Mak when this happened. I think Aci balik pun for a few days only.
The other night when I suddenly remembered all these, I thought to myself Aci must have had the second shock of her life in the same year. In Feb, she gave birth to a baby girl in her eighth month, but Hidayah stopped breathing 30 minutes after delivery. Aci was heartbroken, hati mana tak sedih bila anak dikandung meninggal and every time she saw my bro’s daughter, she had this really sad look on her face. Tak pernah sekali dia merungut tapi sometimes she’d cry non-stop thinking about her baby. I am not a mother yet but mothers out there must know the feelings Aci had gone through. And Mak being a mother would understand her daughter’s heartache. Mak was there, taking care of her. Not a minute she spent apart from Aci. When Aci menangis malam malam, Mak was there to comfort and hug her. And then 5 months later Mak was bedridden. It must have been really hard on Aci.
Ateh and I were the ones at home all the time. I slept next to Mak, just in case she needed something during the night and Ateh would normally sleep on the sofa behind us. Bapak was just being bapak. (I had issues with Bapak but I blogged about it previously)
Every morning, I’d use wet cloth to wipe and wash up Mak, and when I did this I often saw traces of airmata. It was hard to maintain my own calmness but I can’t let her see me looking so sedih. Bila bergenang airmata tu, I quickly turned away so that she didn’t see me and I always try to cover up my sebakness by coughing.
While I was changing her baju and kain, Ateh would siang ikan, cut the chicken or potong sayur or whatever I asked him to do. He may be slow but he remembers every details of the things you told him, so cannot tell him lies. But what I hate most is because people know he’s like that, they took advantage of him. He once worked at a local factory not far from home and every time he came back with his wages, Mak would have to count for him. They thought they could get away by cheating him a few ringgit here and there, but Mak would always make sure he knew his right and stand up for it. Rasa macam nak terajang these people for cheating him.
For Mak’s meal, I used to make her all kinds of porridge and soup since she can’t take solid food. My first attempt to make porridge was very teruk, it didn’t taste like Mak normally buat.
Thank goodness for me, Mama (my sedara who wanted to match me with her son Aki) came to house with some food. I was ashamed that I couldn’t cook properly, I am my mother’s daughter, and I should know these things.
All the while when I was in the kitchen, Ateh would stay with Mak, and talk to her. Sometimes I could hear him ‘mak..nak picit tang mana mak?’
He would tell her about his chickens and burung puyuh. ‘Hari ni ayam bertelurq 6 bijik saja. Ayam jantan tu dok ligan yang betina. Tak tau pasai apa.’
Ateh also would wait nearby bila I feed Mak. Kekadang, Mak didn’t want to finish her food. She would geleng her kepala if she can’t take it anymore, and I had to persuade her to eat up because dia makan sikit sangat. Takut kalau tak makan nanti lagi teruk pulak. Lama jugak dok suap Mak, tapi masa ni lah aku rasakan sedih bila tengok Mak makan. Sebelum ni she was sihat and kuat and always the go-getter but now terbaring and terpaksa depend on anak-anak for everything.
For a man, Ateh is caring even if he looks selebet and rough. He has soft heart and gentle touch. He showed this when we both had to take Mak for a bath. There was no wheelchair in the house, so we came up with an idea to carry Mak on a normal chair. When I said carry, I meant we lifted the chair and carried Mak to the bathroom with our own hands. Often, we had to stop a couple of times because my arms were not as strong as Ateh. But Ateh was ever so patient.
Mak had waist-length hair, and I once asked her if we could cut them because they sometimes become kusut and berserabut that I had to wash and brush them carefully. Takut Mak sakit kepala jugak. Mak refused because she said Bapak suka rambut panjang. Tarik nafas panjang aku masa tu.
‘Malam ni mak nak makan apa? Sup ayam nak tak?
‘Petang ni Ateh nak tangkap pastu sembelih ayam sekorq’
Selalu bila dalam bilik ayarq tu, kena sembang with Mak, just to make sure that she felt included in everyday life. Sometimes I told her some funny stories that happened to Ateh and she would smile. I took it as a good sign.
Bila habis aku mandikan Mak, Ateh would come in and we carried her back to the bed. And bila selesai aku pakaikan Mak her nice baju Kedah, I would put some bedak on her face and then dropped long kissess on both of her cheeks. For almost two months, this was the routine. We made sure she was always cared for by none other than flesh and blood, and we helped with her exercise, with hope that she would be well and back on her feet again.
Thursday, 9 June 2005
Tuesday, 7 June 2005
behind my armour
I wasn’t sure why I was doing this. Why was I here, looking, opening myself to emotions I had locked out most of my life? They needed to stay locked out, I told myself. That was survival.
‘Whom are you going to run from?’ You might ask.
No one. Everyone.
The strange moment had passed. And it had been nerves, not needs.We’re just strangers; we’d pass each other on the street. You don’t know anything about my feelings. But I felt everything slip out of focus.
I wasn’t going to cry, not in front of you or anyone, but it came out anyway. There was nothing, absolutely nothing to cry about.
I felt empty inside. Everyone else had left, and I lived with the daily fear that I would be left again and again.
So, I learned to control my emotions that had become my most successful defence against criticisms and my own insecurity.
If there were moments when I had longed for something more, something… exciting, unfathomable, I’d suppressed the needs. I’d come to believe that if I played by the rules, if I followed the steps carefully laid out for me, I’d win in the end. So my rebellions had been very discreet and my dreams meticulously subdued.
I left too, before they came back. Before they can leave me again.
You don’t know how easily I could slip into my armour. It’s never easy to know anyone unless I want to. So, I do what I know best. I run, steel myself. If I don’t look at you in the eyes, please forgive me.
‘Whom are you going to run from?’ You might ask.
No one. Everyone.
The strange moment had passed. And it had been nerves, not needs.We’re just strangers; we’d pass each other on the street. You don’t know anything about my feelings. But I felt everything slip out of focus.
I wasn’t going to cry, not in front of you or anyone, but it came out anyway. There was nothing, absolutely nothing to cry about.
I felt empty inside. Everyone else had left, and I lived with the daily fear that I would be left again and again.
So, I learned to control my emotions that had become my most successful defence against criticisms and my own insecurity.
If there were moments when I had longed for something more, something… exciting, unfathomable, I’d suppressed the needs. I’d come to believe that if I played by the rules, if I followed the steps carefully laid out for me, I’d win in the end. So my rebellions had been very discreet and my dreams meticulously subdued.
I left too, before they came back. Before they can leave me again.
You don’t know how easily I could slip into my armour. It’s never easy to know anyone unless I want to. So, I do what I know best. I run, steel myself. If I don’t look at you in the eyes, please forgive me.
Sunday, 5 June 2005
hikmah Tuhan
Last night I cried again.This time I saw, in my mind, the images of Mak and her worst nightmare.
1995
I just started my semester break. Life in Shah Alam was boring, and it turned out that there was no survival camp arranged for this break. So, I went home to Alor Setar.
Mak was so happy I would be home that she made my favourite mee kari, but she didn’t know that I wasn’t that thrilled. I wanted to go somewhere or do something rather than stay at home. But there was nowhere to go.
I wasn’t happy. I was selfish. I kept thinking about all of my friends who would be leaving to the States soon. I thought about life being unfair and I deserved to be on the same plane with them. It was just not my time but do you think I care? I wanted to go now, not 4 months later.
It was all about me me me. I rebelled by sleeping late at night and waking up in the afternoon. Long after Bapak and Ateh finished their routines. Did Mak say anything? No. She woke me up for subuh and she let me sleep again till I was ready to face the day. She didn’t even know why I was behaving like that, but she let me be.
Once or twice a day, Bapak would come shaking me up but I just went further inside my blanket. The rest of the day, I just watched telly. You can say that I became a lazy bitch.
But just like Ray said, God is All Merciful; He delivered something on our door, unexpectedly.
It was 3 in the morning, when Ateh banged on my door. My room was at the back of the house near the old bathroom in the kitchen and his room was in front, closer to the hall.
He yelled at me and scolded me for tidur mati. And shocked for the first time in my life, I was confused. He stuttered to tell me that something happened.
You see, Ateh is 7 years older than me, and he has a special place in our hearts. Mak kata masa dia dilahirkan, uri dia ditanam deeper than Bapak normally did. Superstitious but God dah nak duga Mak and Bapak.
Ateh has had problem with his speech and brain. Simple things for us but for him, it has to be dealt with great difficulty. He takes some time to comprehend things and his mind works at a crawling speed. But he is not stupid. That’s the misunderstanding people had and still have about him. He’s just mentally challenged but we love him nonetheless. He’s my flesh and blood!
I could see that he was mad at me but all he said was Mak! Mak! And yelling at me at the same time, Bangun! Bangun!
I jumped from the bed and ran outside. I found Mak was lying on the floor next to the dinner table. She didn’t move and she was sobbing… sakit… mak sakit… I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Bapak was out on his tabligh night. It was just me and Ateh.
I was shaking so badly looking at my mother helpless on the floor.
I said to her ‘mak…mak boleh bangun tak?’ She sobbed and geleng her kepala.
‘mak..cek angkat mak ya?’
‘saaakit….siti... sakit’
Ateh was stumped that all he could do was kneeling next to Mak. I could see in his eyes, he was hoping I or rather we could do something to help Mak. And he was looking at me for the answer.
What was I to do? We tried to lift her, but she was so kaku that it was impossible. And every time we tried to move her, she muttered …sakit….sakit…adooi..
I cried because I was useless. There she was, moaning and sobbing and I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even think about calling the hospital, that’s how useless I was.
Her speech was impaired and I could see bubbles coming out of her mouth. Time and again I wiped them, but they continued flowing. I touched her face and chanted Mak…mak… mak mak…
I was rocking her and hugging her. I whispered my imperfect Yassin in her ears. In front of me, Ateh continue to urut her.
It was getting colder by the minutes, I ran around the house frantically looking for blankets to cover her up. We managed to bundle her up in selimut and with all the kudrat we had, Ateh and I carried her to the car.At 5 a.m. we drove off with hope to see a doctor. Tears were like waterfall on my cheeks because for every bump and jolt I felt, Mak had it ten times worse. She couldn’t even open her eyes because the motion hurt her whole body.
When they transferred her on the wheelchair, I prayed that they would not make her feel the pain. She was holding my hands until they wheeled her away from us. We waited for a long long time. Pacing the corridor and not knowing what was happening. At 9 a.m. Bapak finally came. We wanted to call him but we didn’t now how to reach the tabligh group. Mobile phone was only available to the rich.
It was an hour later when the doctor called both me and Bapak into his room. Bapak was an old man, so Dr. thought I should know too. Honestly, Aci or Na was the one he should talk to, not me. I was only 20 and I was about to spread my wings. I did not know the meaning of responsibility. But, grow up I must. Overnight.
He told us what to expect from a person who just had stroke. Stroke? What’s stroke? Mak got diabetes and sakit jantung but not stroke! I was confused and scared. Then I found out.
After a couple of days, she was allowed to go home but with condition she must exercise her movement and flex her muscle. She had to be cared 24/7. From then on I stopped whining about me. Instead, I said syukur to Allah for given me the chance to take care of her. I didn’t know that my delay to the States rupanya ada hikmah tersembunyi.
1995
I just started my semester break. Life in Shah Alam was boring, and it turned out that there was no survival camp arranged for this break. So, I went home to Alor Setar.
Mak was so happy I would be home that she made my favourite mee kari, but she didn’t know that I wasn’t that thrilled. I wanted to go somewhere or do something rather than stay at home. But there was nowhere to go.
I wasn’t happy. I was selfish. I kept thinking about all of my friends who would be leaving to the States soon. I thought about life being unfair and I deserved to be on the same plane with them. It was just not my time but do you think I care? I wanted to go now, not 4 months later.
It was all about me me me. I rebelled by sleeping late at night and waking up in the afternoon. Long after Bapak and Ateh finished their routines. Did Mak say anything? No. She woke me up for subuh and she let me sleep again till I was ready to face the day. She didn’t even know why I was behaving like that, but she let me be.
Once or twice a day, Bapak would come shaking me up but I just went further inside my blanket. The rest of the day, I just watched telly. You can say that I became a lazy bitch.
But just like Ray said, God is All Merciful; He delivered something on our door, unexpectedly.
It was 3 in the morning, when Ateh banged on my door. My room was at the back of the house near the old bathroom in the kitchen and his room was in front, closer to the hall.
He yelled at me and scolded me for tidur mati. And shocked for the first time in my life, I was confused. He stuttered to tell me that something happened.
You see, Ateh is 7 years older than me, and he has a special place in our hearts. Mak kata masa dia dilahirkan, uri dia ditanam deeper than Bapak normally did. Superstitious but God dah nak duga Mak and Bapak.
Ateh has had problem with his speech and brain. Simple things for us but for him, it has to be dealt with great difficulty. He takes some time to comprehend things and his mind works at a crawling speed. But he is not stupid. That’s the misunderstanding people had and still have about him. He’s just mentally challenged but we love him nonetheless. He’s my flesh and blood!
I could see that he was mad at me but all he said was Mak! Mak! And yelling at me at the same time, Bangun! Bangun!
I jumped from the bed and ran outside. I found Mak was lying on the floor next to the dinner table. She didn’t move and she was sobbing… sakit… mak sakit… I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Bapak was out on his tabligh night. It was just me and Ateh.
I was shaking so badly looking at my mother helpless on the floor.
I said to her ‘mak…mak boleh bangun tak?’ She sobbed and geleng her kepala.
‘mak..cek angkat mak ya?’
‘saaakit….siti... sakit’
Ateh was stumped that all he could do was kneeling next to Mak. I could see in his eyes, he was hoping I or rather we could do something to help Mak. And he was looking at me for the answer.
What was I to do? We tried to lift her, but she was so kaku that it was impossible. And every time we tried to move her, she muttered …sakit….sakit…adooi..
I cried because I was useless. There she was, moaning and sobbing and I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even think about calling the hospital, that’s how useless I was.
Her speech was impaired and I could see bubbles coming out of her mouth. Time and again I wiped them, but they continued flowing. I touched her face and chanted Mak…mak… mak mak…
I was rocking her and hugging her. I whispered my imperfect Yassin in her ears. In front of me, Ateh continue to urut her.
It was getting colder by the minutes, I ran around the house frantically looking for blankets to cover her up. We managed to bundle her up in selimut and with all the kudrat we had, Ateh and I carried her to the car.At 5 a.m. we drove off with hope to see a doctor. Tears were like waterfall on my cheeks because for every bump and jolt I felt, Mak had it ten times worse. She couldn’t even open her eyes because the motion hurt her whole body.
When they transferred her on the wheelchair, I prayed that they would not make her feel the pain. She was holding my hands until they wheeled her away from us. We waited for a long long time. Pacing the corridor and not knowing what was happening. At 9 a.m. Bapak finally came. We wanted to call him but we didn’t now how to reach the tabligh group. Mobile phone was only available to the rich.
It was an hour later when the doctor called both me and Bapak into his room. Bapak was an old man, so Dr. thought I should know too. Honestly, Aci or Na was the one he should talk to, not me. I was only 20 and I was about to spread my wings. I did not know the meaning of responsibility. But, grow up I must. Overnight.
He told us what to expect from a person who just had stroke. Stroke? What’s stroke? Mak got diabetes and sakit jantung but not stroke! I was confused and scared. Then I found out.
After a couple of days, she was allowed to go home but with condition she must exercise her movement and flex her muscle. She had to be cared 24/7. From then on I stopped whining about me. Instead, I said syukur to Allah for given me the chance to take care of her. I didn’t know that my delay to the States rupanya ada hikmah tersembunyi.
Saturday, 4 June 2005
exorcise the demons
In my previous post, I wrote about how I feel it’s time to reconcile with the memories I had with my mother and family. And last night, as I was lying on the bed trying to will myself to sleep, it dawn to me that as a reflection of who I am, I should begin writing about myself.It’s ironic.
When I named the blog, I didn’t really know what kind of battles I’m facing. I thought they will be just ordinary life obstacles. But now I know better. To move on with my life, I have to exorcise the invisible demons in my head. There are two sides of me. The good in me wanted to feel that I belong somewhere and experience the love I once had. The evil side of me are the ones that are holding back. They’re the one who refused to remember the things I had with my family, be it good or bad.
Deep in my heart, I know that I am still in denial. It’s not easy to come to term with it because denial was the only way I know how to survive. Even after all these years. I never told anyone my fears and my anguish. Everyone thought that I was always happy because all they saw was the smile plastered on my face.
When I first started this blog, it wasn’t because of the need to spill all the beans. It was just a trend, then it became a place I can write without having to censor anything. I started writing about my family, but I found that I wasn’t able to express myself properly. However, I realized it’s therapeutic to get it out of my system or to speak to someone. To tell someone of our insecurities and fears and to share good times and love and happiness. It feels good to let the emotion in you runs free and to let go of the darkest thought. I just don’t know how.
I never had someone to listen to me, maybe because I always held back. I was afraid that if they know my thoughts, I will lose their friendships. Just as I lost my parents. How naïve of me to think that. So, I showed them the other side of me, who wasn’t affected by the incidents that happened in my life. I portrayed myself as the strong person who cannot be touched emotionally.
I distanced myself from friends and family. I didn’t want to see them for a lot of reasons. Friends, because I don’t want to tell them what was happening in my life or my job. Family, because I don’t want them to know what I was up to or nag at me. I kept the social life apart, and I avoided going home.
As far as I can remember, I only broke down in tears once. Weird considering that I am a very sensitive person. I can easily cry when I listen to a song, or when I saw an ad. Dammit! I even cry watching Extreme Home Makeover and those two ladies Trinny and Susannah. Yet, I am unable to feel anything about my own life. How pathetic am I?
Maybe I was ashamed of who I am. Maybe I was just stupid. Or maybe I was still dealing with my loss. There’re so many maybes. Was I ashamed because I was just a kampong girl? Was I ashamed because I didn’t score 3.8 GPA? And for how long do I have to deal with the loss before I come to my senses?
I won’t promise anything. This will be a long journey. I want to remember everything. I want to write about my family. I want to tell the whole world that I do have a family even though I hardly went home or included them in my life before. I want to write about a few selective wonderful friends I have, who became more than just friends. Two entities who love me for who I am and accept me with all my excess baggage. I want to remind myself that I should be grateful that I still have them with me and thankful with what I have.
I shall be true to myself and I shall use this to heal the pains in my heart. This is my story. And today, I don’t want to forget anymore.
When I named the blog, I didn’t really know what kind of battles I’m facing. I thought they will be just ordinary life obstacles. But now I know better. To move on with my life, I have to exorcise the invisible demons in my head. There are two sides of me. The good in me wanted to feel that I belong somewhere and experience the love I once had. The evil side of me are the ones that are holding back. They’re the one who refused to remember the things I had with my family, be it good or bad.
Deep in my heart, I know that I am still in denial. It’s not easy to come to term with it because denial was the only way I know how to survive. Even after all these years. I never told anyone my fears and my anguish. Everyone thought that I was always happy because all they saw was the smile plastered on my face.
When I first started this blog, it wasn’t because of the need to spill all the beans. It was just a trend, then it became a place I can write without having to censor anything. I started writing about my family, but I found that I wasn’t able to express myself properly. However, I realized it’s therapeutic to get it out of my system or to speak to someone. To tell someone of our insecurities and fears and to share good times and love and happiness. It feels good to let the emotion in you runs free and to let go of the darkest thought. I just don’t know how.
I never had someone to listen to me, maybe because I always held back. I was afraid that if they know my thoughts, I will lose their friendships. Just as I lost my parents. How naïve of me to think that. So, I showed them the other side of me, who wasn’t affected by the incidents that happened in my life. I portrayed myself as the strong person who cannot be touched emotionally.
I distanced myself from friends and family. I didn’t want to see them for a lot of reasons. Friends, because I don’t want to tell them what was happening in my life or my job. Family, because I don’t want them to know what I was up to or nag at me. I kept the social life apart, and I avoided going home.
As far as I can remember, I only broke down in tears once. Weird considering that I am a very sensitive person. I can easily cry when I listen to a song, or when I saw an ad. Dammit! I even cry watching Extreme Home Makeover and those two ladies Trinny and Susannah. Yet, I am unable to feel anything about my own life. How pathetic am I?
Maybe I was ashamed of who I am. Maybe I was just stupid. Or maybe I was still dealing with my loss. There’re so many maybes. Was I ashamed because I was just a kampong girl? Was I ashamed because I didn’t score 3.8 GPA? And for how long do I have to deal with the loss before I come to my senses?
I won’t promise anything. This will be a long journey. I want to remember everything. I want to write about my family. I want to tell the whole world that I do have a family even though I hardly went home or included them in my life before. I want to write about a few selective wonderful friends I have, who became more than just friends. Two entities who love me for who I am and accept me with all my excess baggage. I want to remind myself that I should be grateful that I still have them with me and thankful with what I have.
I shall be true to myself and I shall use this to heal the pains in my heart. This is my story. And today, I don’t want to forget anymore.
Thursday, 2 June 2005
secret recipes
Since I was a kid, I have always been passionate about food. Maybe it's in my gene, you know, like mother like daughter. Mom was very much into recipes, be it baking or cooking. She used to drag me to some of her cooking classes and competitions.
Once when I was 12, she competed in two categories; traditional kueh and puddings, and she came second in both. After she received her prizes, we wallup all the food and didn't leave anything behind. I was quite proud of her but too bad I didn't let her know about it.
She didn't really teach me anything but she made sure I was in the kitchen helping her whenever she tried new recipes. I guess because of that, I eventually fell in love with the art of cooking. Aci and I inherited her passion for food. And for as long as I can remember, I like feeding people and I like making my food look pretty too.
When nobody was home, I would pretend that I was dining at a restaurant and served myself lunch. Sometimes, I ate at a Japanese restaurant, so I dig out her Jap dining sets and chopsticks. At other times, I drank juice in her flute and had lunch with fork and knife. Perasan dining at a continental restoran lah tuu..
When she was still alive, I didn't really care or take notes about all these. Acuh tak acuh saja belajar from her.
After she passed away, I just didn't want to remember our time together. It hurt so bad that I locked them away and thrown out the key to a place I didn't want to go back to. I was not bothered with her recipe books, but now I garu kepala cari them. They're the link I had with my mother. When I think about the memories with her, I want to treasure them most but I'm unable to do so because they're somehow have been lost in time. Almost 10 years later, maybe it's time to reconcile.
I am not normally kedekut ilmu. Whatever I know, I love to share with people. However, to tell you the truth, when it comes to recipes, I guarded them so closely. Especially the family recipes. Once, when Na first got married, his wife wanted to make our special cornflake biscuits and she asked for the recipes.
Of course I didn't tell her our secret ingredients, instead I made extra for them just because I didn't want her to know how to do it. You think I'd give aah? Say lah I'm so jahat one for doing that to my own sis-in-law. I don't care. The recipe stays in the family. But now she's part of the family so ok lah.
My point is, the cream crackers baked murtabak recipe has been in the family for so long, I don't know whether I want to share them with you readers. See? Jahatkan I ni?
But, because some of you have been drooling just by looking at the pic, and you asked me nicely, I will share the recipe in the blog. I buat cincai je so recipe pun cincai cara I jugaklah. It will only be displayed for 2 days and after that, it will disappear. So sapa cepat dia dapat lah. Copyright reserved. No distribution allowed, ok.
Updates: Sorry folks, recipe has been removed.
Once when I was 12, she competed in two categories; traditional kueh and puddings, and she came second in both. After she received her prizes, we wallup all the food and didn't leave anything behind. I was quite proud of her but too bad I didn't let her know about it.
She didn't really teach me anything but she made sure I was in the kitchen helping her whenever she tried new recipes. I guess because of that, I eventually fell in love with the art of cooking. Aci and I inherited her passion for food. And for as long as I can remember, I like feeding people and I like making my food look pretty too.
When nobody was home, I would pretend that I was dining at a restaurant and served myself lunch. Sometimes, I ate at a Japanese restaurant, so I dig out her Jap dining sets and chopsticks. At other times, I drank juice in her flute and had lunch with fork and knife. Perasan dining at a continental restoran lah tuu..
When she was still alive, I didn't really care or take notes about all these. Acuh tak acuh saja belajar from her.
After she passed away, I just didn't want to remember our time together. It hurt so bad that I locked them away and thrown out the key to a place I didn't want to go back to. I was not bothered with her recipe books, but now I garu kepala cari them. They're the link I had with my mother. When I think about the memories with her, I want to treasure them most but I'm unable to do so because they're somehow have been lost in time. Almost 10 years later, maybe it's time to reconcile.
I am not normally kedekut ilmu. Whatever I know, I love to share with people. However, to tell you the truth, when it comes to recipes, I guarded them so closely. Especially the family recipes. Once, when Na first got married, his wife wanted to make our special cornflake biscuits and she asked for the recipes.
Of course I didn't tell her our secret ingredients, instead I made extra for them just because I didn't want her to know how to do it. You think I'd give aah? Say lah I'm so jahat one for doing that to my own sis-in-law. I don't care. The recipe stays in the family. But now she's part of the family so ok lah.
My point is, the cream crackers baked murtabak recipe has been in the family for so long, I don't know whether I want to share them with you readers. See? Jahatkan I ni?
But, because some of you have been drooling just by looking at the pic, and you asked me nicely, I will share the recipe in the blog. I buat cincai je so recipe pun cincai cara I jugaklah. It will only be displayed for 2 days and after that, it will disappear. So sapa cepat dia dapat lah. Copyright reserved. No distribution allowed, ok.
Updates: Sorry folks, recipe has been removed.
Wednesday, 25 May 2005
reminders for the opposite sex
Some men need to take notes of these because, obviously, you need reminding. This is not male bashing, it's for your own good.
The next time you and your mates joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you aim successfully at the toilet rim.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask the question in bed.
The next time you bitch about women drivers, research the number of accidents caused by ogling our mini-skirts.
When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive as opposed to a negative grunt.
Don't insist that we get off the phone and then not talk to us.
Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
Cleaning the house is not necessarily women's work; besides, most of the dirt and clutters is yours anyway.
Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men. Why is it, then, that you never want to cook?
We go to the loo in groups to talk about you.
The next time you and your mates joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you aim successfully at the toilet rim.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask the question in bed.
The next time you bitch about women drivers, research the number of accidents caused by ogling our mini-skirts.
When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive as opposed to a negative grunt.
Don't insist that we get off the phone and then not talk to us.
Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
Cleaning the house is not necessarily women's work; besides, most of the dirt and clutters is yours anyway.
Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men. Why is it, then, that you never want to cook?
We go to the loo in groups to talk about you.
Thursday, 19 May 2005
family matters
What do you do when your brother-in-law invited you to join his Friendster and hi5 lists?
Of course I won't join. The ones I joined years ago pun tak terjaga. I never joined anything anymore, even when many sent me invitations and I'm not about to start again. I haven't got time for that and I'm so malas one.
Ok, I love my family dearly but I think I want to keep my online life separated from my real life. I'm uncomfortable if they find out the heck I'm merapu-ing about. So, sorry lah Abg N.
Speaking bout family, what a small world lah kan! KakTeh and I are, somehow demented that we are, from the same clan. Esshh. KakTeh jgn marah yek with my posting. I still can't get over the fact that of all the places, boleh jumpa sedara while blogging, considering I ni jarang bergaul sangat.
Of course I won't join. The ones I joined years ago pun tak terjaga. I never joined anything anymore, even when many sent me invitations and I'm not about to start again. I haven't got time for that and I'm so malas one.
Ok, I love my family dearly but I think I want to keep my online life separated from my real life. I'm uncomfortable if they find out the heck I'm merapu-ing about. So, sorry lah Abg N.
Speaking bout family, what a small world lah kan! KakTeh and I are, somehow demented that we are, from the same clan. Esshh. KakTeh jgn marah yek with my posting. I still can't get over the fact that of all the places, boleh jumpa sedara while blogging, considering I ni jarang bergaul sangat.
Wednesday, 18 May 2005
what la you?
I dunno what is it about me that give an impression that I lead a very interesting and sophisticated life, and make loads of dosh.
Nak kata famous, tidak... Nak kata lawa pun jauh sekali... Nak kata jahat tu jahat jugaklah sikit sikit. Heh..but lately asyik dapat colourful emails with out of the world remarks that could dampen my spirit je. Ada pulak allegation yang I have a high flying lifestyle, suka menunjuk nunjuk and kuat memilih sejak duduk kat Londres ni.
Hahahaha… Tah apa apa lah manusia ni. Essh… Hello! Kat mana you dapat ni?
If you think selling ice cream and driving around the country like a slave driver is chic, then I think you need to have your head examined.
Just because you read some stories in my blog or saw some pictures, it doesn’t mean you can make assumptions about me.For the record, I am far from being chic.Yes, I live in London but if you know how expensive everything is here, then you’d know that I’m always broke before the 15th of every month. I’m tempted to start gambling so that I can increase my bank account by 9 fold tau.
The thing is I’m lucky that my job requires me to travel with all expenses covered. I think I know all the motorways, A and B roads in Britain better than most Brits. That’s how I get to go to most UK cities, and great historical places like the castles and such. Kalau nak harap duit sendiri, jangan mimpi lah.
And yes I travel for pleasure too and these things cost money, but kalau dah dok sini tak pegi travel rugi lah. Tu yang broke selalu tu. Kalau you all nak tau, I pegi jalan2 tu pun on a very tight budget. I took buses, stayed in hostels and walked all over cities. Sometimes I shared a room with 10 other stinking travellers who came back loud and drunk. No luxury I tell you!
I don’t own a car, let alone live in a posh house. The current flat is nice and well equipped with monster plasma tv, broadband, dvd, PS2, sky cable, 3 aquariums (my flatmate is a fish man) and whatnot but sorry to disappoint you, these gadgets are not mine. I tumpang guna saja.
Hah lagi satu... You can talk to me about iPod la, PDA la bla bla bla, I seriously tak tau nak guna and I’m not interested in having one pun. J gave me an mp3 for Christmas but sampai sekarang I tak reti reti nak upload songs into it. Adik kecik you pun tah tah lagi terer guna all these.
My mode of transportation is a small van courtesy of the company, or sometimes I take the tube. I don't have the urge to own a Merc like most Malaysians kat sini yang berlumba lumba nak bawak balik sebijik. My room is so damn small I can’t even fit my workstation in. My desktop is another courtesy from the office.
Masa I first moved to London, The Mentor kesian tengok I kot, so dia bagi pinjam segala mak nenek barang2 rumah. Iron, set pinggan mangkuk, glasses, tv, cooking utensils, selimut, kettle, sudu garpu. Semua ehsan dia. Bed and mattress pun dia kasi. Yang syok nya dia bagi I dok free lagi in her nice flat while I was looking for my own place. Come winter time, heater puuun I pinjam dengan office. Hahahaha.
My office is near Cardiff, so sometimes I had to stay overnight. I used to book myself into a Travel Inn, but because they costed the company so much, I opted to stay in a caravan. My choice tau, kalau org lain tu mesti nak dok hotel je. Caravan ni The Boss punya, but he said I can have unlimited access whenever. It's definitely not Mandarin Oriental but I love it.
I haven’t had my hair done in like ages. Not even a haircut. Apa nak buat, balik keje dah malam malam buta, then had to do paperwork lagi. Kedai semua dah tutup.
Shopping spree is not my top priority. The last time I bought a pair of shoes was in Jan, and before that I think it was with Ju at Jaya Jusco back in Feb 2004. Tu dia! Punya lah cikai nye I ni.
However, I am lucky to have met very very generous and kind people ever since I merantau dengan sehelai sepinggang and satu backpack (betul, tak tipu punya). Everyone has been so helpful.
So, there! Sorry to disappoint you. I'm not worthy of envious thoughts or gossips. You and I have nothing in common. Except I makan nasik, you pun makan nasik, unless your meal is Poulet à la Parisienne and you drink Chardonnay. I don't know Damansara just like you don't know where Tongkang Yard is (that's my mum nye kampung)
This is how I live my life. Some of you may know me personally and if I may, I prefer to remain as Ewok to the rest. Bila I balik M'sia, kalau nak jumpa tu lain cerita.
If you think my life is interesting, then I’d say hoo-fucking-ray (alamak! sori ray cats and Pak Malim, no offense ya)
Nak kata famous, tidak... Nak kata lawa pun jauh sekali... Nak kata jahat tu jahat jugaklah sikit sikit. Heh..but lately asyik dapat colourful emails with out of the world remarks that could dampen my spirit je. Ada pulak allegation yang I have a high flying lifestyle, suka menunjuk nunjuk and kuat memilih sejak duduk kat Londres ni.
Hahahaha… Tah apa apa lah manusia ni. Essh… Hello! Kat mana you dapat ni?
If you think selling ice cream and driving around the country like a slave driver is chic, then I think you need to have your head examined.
Just because you read some stories in my blog or saw some pictures, it doesn’t mean you can make assumptions about me.For the record, I am far from being chic.Yes, I live in London but if you know how expensive everything is here, then you’d know that I’m always broke before the 15th of every month. I’m tempted to start gambling so that I can increase my bank account by 9 fold tau.
The thing is I’m lucky that my job requires me to travel with all expenses covered. I think I know all the motorways, A and B roads in Britain better than most Brits. That’s how I get to go to most UK cities, and great historical places like the castles and such. Kalau nak harap duit sendiri, jangan mimpi lah.
And yes I travel for pleasure too and these things cost money, but kalau dah dok sini tak pegi travel rugi lah. Tu yang broke selalu tu. Kalau you all nak tau, I pegi jalan2 tu pun on a very tight budget. I took buses, stayed in hostels and walked all over cities. Sometimes I shared a room with 10 other stinking travellers who came back loud and drunk. No luxury I tell you!
I don’t own a car, let alone live in a posh house. The current flat is nice and well equipped with monster plasma tv, broadband, dvd, PS2, sky cable, 3 aquariums (my flatmate is a fish man) and whatnot but sorry to disappoint you, these gadgets are not mine. I tumpang guna saja.
Hah lagi satu... You can talk to me about iPod la, PDA la bla bla bla, I seriously tak tau nak guna and I’m not interested in having one pun. J gave me an mp3 for Christmas but sampai sekarang I tak reti reti nak upload songs into it. Adik kecik you pun tah tah lagi terer guna all these.
My mode of transportation is a small van courtesy of the company, or sometimes I take the tube. I don't have the urge to own a Merc like most Malaysians kat sini yang berlumba lumba nak bawak balik sebijik. My room is so damn small I can’t even fit my workstation in. My desktop is another courtesy from the office.
Masa I first moved to London, The Mentor kesian tengok I kot, so dia bagi pinjam segala mak nenek barang2 rumah. Iron, set pinggan mangkuk, glasses, tv, cooking utensils, selimut, kettle, sudu garpu. Semua ehsan dia. Bed and mattress pun dia kasi. Yang syok nya dia bagi I dok free lagi in her nice flat while I was looking for my own place. Come winter time, heater puuun I pinjam dengan office. Hahahaha.
My office is near Cardiff, so sometimes I had to stay overnight. I used to book myself into a Travel Inn, but because they costed the company so much, I opted to stay in a caravan. My choice tau, kalau org lain tu mesti nak dok hotel je. Caravan ni The Boss punya, but he said I can have unlimited access whenever. It's definitely not Mandarin Oriental but I love it.
I haven’t had my hair done in like ages. Not even a haircut. Apa nak buat, balik keje dah malam malam buta, then had to do paperwork lagi. Kedai semua dah tutup.
Shopping spree is not my top priority. The last time I bought a pair of shoes was in Jan, and before that I think it was with Ju at Jaya Jusco back in Feb 2004. Tu dia! Punya lah cikai nye I ni.
However, I am lucky to have met very very generous and kind people ever since I merantau dengan sehelai sepinggang and satu backpack (betul, tak tipu punya). Everyone has been so helpful.
So, there! Sorry to disappoint you. I'm not worthy of envious thoughts or gossips. You and I have nothing in common. Except I makan nasik, you pun makan nasik, unless your meal is Poulet à la Parisienne and you drink Chardonnay. I don't know Damansara just like you don't know where Tongkang Yard is (that's my mum nye kampung)
This is how I live my life. Some of you may know me personally and if I may, I prefer to remain as Ewok to the rest. Bila I balik M'sia, kalau nak jumpa tu lain cerita.
If you think my life is interesting, then I’d say hoo-fucking-ray (alamak! sori ray cats and Pak Malim, no offense ya)
Tuesday, 17 May 2005
The future is female
The wedding will take place in 5 weeks.
Not my wedding, of course. Sorry, didn’t mean to tease you like that. Last year, I sent a couple to work at Roman ruins and they came back with the news.
This is me, posting something that I might regret later on. Blame it on the hormones.
There’s this article I read about the future being female.
My future is female, isn’t it? No nice men, only ever increasing number of cats. I am going to get all eccentric and retire to a farm in Pendang with sixty cats, leaving my nieces and nephews to grind their teeth in fury when I leave everything to the clubhouse.
I could see it now.
I didn’t actually have a cat yet, but it’s inevitable. So you’ll forgive me if I wasn’t too thrilled at the wedding announcement. Love hurts, and wedding should be banned from inviting single people, hateful torture sessions that they are.
Standing around with all the old parents and parents’ mates comparing who’s been paired off to whom: score one for boyfriend, four for engaged and a clear six for married.
Even worse are the actual young couples, sneaking their arms through each other’s in such a way that you look, and then they blush and pretend to have been caught out. And say patronising things about how great it must be to have a career. Urgh, they make me sick.
Hey hey hey! Stop it E!
What’s got into me? Ok, I’m a romantic who wanted the whole thing, the real deal. Who wouldn’t? Only I don’t want it, like... now. What scared me was that the guy in this fantasy is still – faceless?
Not my wedding, of course. Sorry, didn’t mean to tease you like that. Last year, I sent a couple to work at Roman ruins and they came back with the news.
This is me, posting something that I might regret later on. Blame it on the hormones.
There’s this article I read about the future being female.
My future is female, isn’t it? No nice men, only ever increasing number of cats. I am going to get all eccentric and retire to a farm in Pendang with sixty cats, leaving my nieces and nephews to grind their teeth in fury when I leave everything to the clubhouse.
I could see it now.
I didn’t actually have a cat yet, but it’s inevitable. So you’ll forgive me if I wasn’t too thrilled at the wedding announcement. Love hurts, and wedding should be banned from inviting single people, hateful torture sessions that they are.
Standing around with all the old parents and parents’ mates comparing who’s been paired off to whom: score one for boyfriend, four for engaged and a clear six for married.
Even worse are the actual young couples, sneaking their arms through each other’s in such a way that you look, and then they blush and pretend to have been caught out. And say patronising things about how great it must be to have a career. Urgh, they make me sick.
Hey hey hey! Stop it E!
What’s got into me? Ok, I’m a romantic who wanted the whole thing, the real deal. Who wouldn’t? Only I don’t want it, like... now. What scared me was that the guy in this fantasy is still – faceless?
Wednesday, 11 May 2005
Little things that matter
Everyone here knows who Dina Zaman is. She’s an icon in her own style for many of you and she has inspired many of us to write, including me, you, you and you. Though she denied that she is a celebrity but truthfully, she is well known in her field and had created a name for herself. Watch out! She's the new breed of writers to take on the world.
So, you think you know her stuffs and you read her articles. You cry reading her stories, you laugh at her jokes but how well do you know her on a personal level? No much I reckon. That's because she is also well known for some ass kicking when her privacy is invaded. How many of you know what her likes and dislikes?
Not many, huh? So, in my attempt to get to know her personally, I accidentally cracked her skull and had a peek at what’s it’s like to be in her head. This is what I found out when I interviewed the cells in Dina’s brain. Let’s get up close and personal.
Oh! Can somebody switch off the light, please?
Are you the types that shy away from telling us your age?
No. I am 36. I’m not shy.
Where do you come from?
My family originated from the East Coast. My father is Kelantanese, though there is a lot of Pattani blood. My mum is from Terengganu. Having said that, my family is huge. If you were to meet my family, you would wonder as some of us look Malay, Arab, Chinese etc. My immediate family – my father and I look Chinese, mum looks mixed, and my sisters Malay. We originally were Bugese.
How long have you lived here?
In Malaysia? 50% of my life. I have family all around the globe. Also my father worked abroad so we followed him. We lived in the Communist countries. Other people lived in Europe. My dad had to get postings in Moscow, Prague etc. But they were beautiful countries.
I heard you have mad family. Tell us about them.
I wouldn’t say they’re mad, but we have a lot of characters! That’s why I am close and enjoy being with my family, because the things I hear are so delightful and funny! You know us East Coast people. All these polygamous marriages and stealing other people’s wives or husbands, heh heh.
You girls must be handful for your dad to handle when you’re growing up.
Er, yes. We’re very different, we girls. I am free spirited. Liza is quiet but when she is stubborn… Nora is the beauty queen. But the one that is close and yet gives my father grief would be me. Poor man. Sometimes he just gives up. But I always tell him, he has a choice: to have a boring daughter or someone that entertains him.
Were you breast fed when you were an infant?
I don’t know. I got to ask Mum, but she’s gone for some luncheon.
Do you have a pet?
I HAD. Brush.
Name the worst thing you ever did for attention.
Alamak. When I was in Form 5, I had a crush on one boy in SMS Selangor. So I became his secret admirer, wrote him letters and when I met him, I’d say so and so kirim salam. I even told him his admirer was sexy. One day I confessed. I think he fainted.
What are you doing just after midnight on Saturday?
Tidur lah! Where got life?
What era, event or day in history you would like to re-live?
Two: the Victorian era and the 30s. The former because of the literary and erotic movements at that time. I have great interest in the history of courtesans and erotica because while these two were lambasted for bringing moral decay to the Victorians, they were actually very powerful influences on politics and governance. The 30s because Anais Nin was around and there was such great romance and sensuality to that era. Also, writing was exploding then.
What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Being with someone I love, reading books, having one kid, and going on adventures with the love of my life.
Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
Ah-hah. Read Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus and look for Elena and Bijou. Elena is the hopeless romantic while Bijou is the whore of the decade. Why them? Because of the way they lived their lives with great passion.
Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
None.
Do you smoke?
Only when I am very very very stressed and with very very close friends. Is one cigarette considered smoking? Ok, I’m lying. The most I smoke is two. That’s my only vice apart from buying books. I don’t drink, indulge in illegal things. I’m really boring!
The quality you most admire in a person?
Honesty.
What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty, honesty, and non-judgement. Oh yes, a great sense of humour.
What is your dream of happiness?
Being with the love of my life. I’m not telling you who.
What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
That I never pursued my goals, and didn’t end up with this person.
What is your favorite color?
White.
What is your favorite bird?
I hate birds. I like cats.
What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Calmness and patience.
To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Eh?Whose faults? Mine? I have a temper. I can be incredibly moody. I can also be incredibly aloof and a loner.
What is the most adventurous thing you’ve done?
Falling in love.
Name something you keep in your underwear drawer (besides bras and g-string)
Perfume sachet. So that my undies smell nice. I found 10 bucks in there once. I don’t know how it got there.
Name a place you don’t belong
Bangsar, Jalan Telawi.
Describe that low, low moment when you just thought you might have to leave KL for good.
Well, it hasn’t happened yet but I guess… if this dream does not come true, I’ll pack my bags.
Are you good at Frisbee?
Dah lama tak main.
Was the contract with Vivid Video a mistake? Ops..sorry. You’re not a porn star.
Actually I was meant to be the Playmate of the Year. Yeah, I actually won the Two Fried Eggs Award. I can’t talk much, you’ll have to speak to my lawyer.
Give me three words that describe you as a person in non-physical terms.
I hate describing myself. 3 words. Temperamental. Finicky. Funny.
What turns you on?
Your blog is PG rated love! Ha ha! I can’t tell you!
What turns you off?
BO. Sloppy manners. Superficiality. Pretentiousness. Stupidity. Men that criticise women when they’re actually fat and have smelly breath.
What is your favorite curse word?
It used to be shit, but now it’s crap. It depends.
What profession would you like to attempt other than your own?
An actress. In the 1930s of course.
What books have influenced you?
So many! Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in The Time of Cholera; Kawabata Yasunari’s The House of Sleeping Beauties; Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus and Little Birds; the Quran; The Kite Runner; many many more. James Herriotts books.
Are you a sports fan?
No.
What five items would you put in a time capsule to be opened in a thousand years?
A photo of my family and me; my favourite book; my favourite perfume; buku Yassin and a lock of my hair.
Have you read any of the crossover children’s fiction such as J K Rowling (Harry Potter) and Philip Pullman (His Dark Materials)?
Yes.
Who is your style icon?
Two: Audrey Hepburn and Katherine Hepburn. I like the American way of dressing. Very clean and simple.
What is your favourite way to spend a Sunday afternoon?
With my books. If I have a partner, it’ll be hanging out watching movies.
What is your preferred movie-viewing snack food?
Popcorn with salt
How do you write? Straight to computer or sketched ideas with pen and paper?
Sketched ideas. Then write on paper. Then pc.
What is your favourite film?
All the Indiana Jones; Welcome Back Mr McDonald, The English Patient
Can photography be described as art?
Yes.
Have you enrol in a swimming class yet?
Nope. Shy la to wear swim suit. I go for classes in MY HEAD.
What will you be doing at 6:45pm on May 19th?
Packing up to go home, makan, baca and sleep. I told you my life is boring.
What is the weirdest medical condition or physical attribute you have?
I have endometriosis. Which is why I have to be careful for my well-being.
Name something you enjoy that you are not particularly proud of
Hmmm. I wouldn’t know. Hey, I do. I’m not telling you!
Do you have tattoos or piercings?
My ears are pierced.
What' s your favorite smell?
Vanilla. Esp my fave perfume, Angel. Oh oh, yes, another one. But that I can’t tell you! Ha ha!
What is your motto?
Seize the day! ‘Carpe diem!’
Who are your favorite characters in history?
None.
What historical figures do you most despise?
None.
In what country would you like to live?
I would like to live in either Paris, the South of France or the Muslim quarter in Spain. Right now Ubud.
What is your favorite flower?
Haleconias. When we lived in our former home, the garden was blooming with them. I always had this morbid wish that my grave would be surrounded by them.
Who would you have liked to be?
I have always wanted to try being the Most Sexy and Popular Girl, for a day. Nak tengok apa yang syoknya tu.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Poverty.
Would you pose nude for £50,000 (this is not an offer!)?
Only if the painting or photo is burned afterwards!
What' s your favorite fruit?
Mango
Name a sport that really sucks
Netball. In TKC they were crazy for netball. I hated it.
Are you romantically involved with someone at the moment?
No. But I do like someone :) But like all my love affairs, it will never happen.
Wah! Looks like her brain can't stop talking to me. I think I'm exhausted from asking too many questions. And hmm... nothing really juicy or scandalous I could use to sell to the Daily Mirror.*whispering* You know what? I think she's got the hot for that grey haired man. Can you imagine him wearing kain pelikat? And burn that nude photo? Hell no!
So, you think you know her stuffs and you read her articles. You cry reading her stories, you laugh at her jokes but how well do you know her on a personal level? No much I reckon. That's because she is also well known for some ass kicking when her privacy is invaded. How many of you know what her likes and dislikes?
Not many, huh? So, in my attempt to get to know her personally, I accidentally cracked her skull and had a peek at what’s it’s like to be in her head. This is what I found out when I interviewed the cells in Dina’s brain. Let’s get up close and personal.
Oh! Can somebody switch off the light, please?
Are you the types that shy away from telling us your age?
No. I am 36. I’m not shy.
Where do you come from?
My family originated from the East Coast. My father is Kelantanese, though there is a lot of Pattani blood. My mum is from Terengganu. Having said that, my family is huge. If you were to meet my family, you would wonder as some of us look Malay, Arab, Chinese etc. My immediate family – my father and I look Chinese, mum looks mixed, and my sisters Malay. We originally were Bugese.
How long have you lived here?
In Malaysia? 50% of my life. I have family all around the globe. Also my father worked abroad so we followed him. We lived in the Communist countries. Other people lived in Europe. My dad had to get postings in Moscow, Prague etc. But they were beautiful countries.
I heard you have mad family. Tell us about them.
I wouldn’t say they’re mad, but we have a lot of characters! That’s why I am close and enjoy being with my family, because the things I hear are so delightful and funny! You know us East Coast people. All these polygamous marriages and stealing other people’s wives or husbands, heh heh.
You girls must be handful for your dad to handle when you’re growing up.
Er, yes. We’re very different, we girls. I am free spirited. Liza is quiet but when she is stubborn… Nora is the beauty queen. But the one that is close and yet gives my father grief would be me. Poor man. Sometimes he just gives up. But I always tell him, he has a choice: to have a boring daughter or someone that entertains him.
Were you breast fed when you were an infant?
I don’t know. I got to ask Mum, but she’s gone for some luncheon.
Do you have a pet?
I HAD. Brush.
Name the worst thing you ever did for attention.
Alamak. When I was in Form 5, I had a crush on one boy in SMS Selangor. So I became his secret admirer, wrote him letters and when I met him, I’d say so and so kirim salam. I even told him his admirer was sexy. One day I confessed. I think he fainted.
What are you doing just after midnight on Saturday?
Tidur lah! Where got life?
What era, event or day in history you would like to re-live?
Two: the Victorian era and the 30s. The former because of the literary and erotic movements at that time. I have great interest in the history of courtesans and erotica because while these two were lambasted for bringing moral decay to the Victorians, they were actually very powerful influences on politics and governance. The 30s because Anais Nin was around and there was such great romance and sensuality to that era. Also, writing was exploding then.
What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Being with someone I love, reading books, having one kid, and going on adventures with the love of my life.
Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
Ah-hah. Read Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus and look for Elena and Bijou. Elena is the hopeless romantic while Bijou is the whore of the decade. Why them? Because of the way they lived their lives with great passion.
Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
None.
Do you smoke?
Only when I am very very very stressed and with very very close friends. Is one cigarette considered smoking? Ok, I’m lying. The most I smoke is two. That’s my only vice apart from buying books. I don’t drink, indulge in illegal things. I’m really boring!
The quality you most admire in a person?
Honesty.
What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty, honesty, and non-judgement. Oh yes, a great sense of humour.
What is your dream of happiness?
Being with the love of my life. I’m not telling you who.
What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
That I never pursued my goals, and didn’t end up with this person.
What is your favorite color?
White.
What is your favorite bird?
I hate birds. I like cats.
What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Calmness and patience.
To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Eh?Whose faults? Mine? I have a temper. I can be incredibly moody. I can also be incredibly aloof and a loner.
What is the most adventurous thing you’ve done?
Falling in love.
Name something you keep in your underwear drawer (besides bras and g-string)
Perfume sachet. So that my undies smell nice. I found 10 bucks in there once. I don’t know how it got there.
Name a place you don’t belong
Bangsar, Jalan Telawi.
Describe that low, low moment when you just thought you might have to leave KL for good.
Well, it hasn’t happened yet but I guess… if this dream does not come true, I’ll pack my bags.
Are you good at Frisbee?
Dah lama tak main.
Was the contract with Vivid Video a mistake? Ops..sorry. You’re not a porn star.
Actually I was meant to be the Playmate of the Year. Yeah, I actually won the Two Fried Eggs Award. I can’t talk much, you’ll have to speak to my lawyer.
Give me three words that describe you as a person in non-physical terms.
I hate describing myself. 3 words. Temperamental. Finicky. Funny.
What turns you on?
Your blog is PG rated love! Ha ha! I can’t tell you!
What turns you off?
BO. Sloppy manners. Superficiality. Pretentiousness. Stupidity. Men that criticise women when they’re actually fat and have smelly breath.
What is your favorite curse word?
It used to be shit, but now it’s crap. It depends.
What profession would you like to attempt other than your own?
An actress. In the 1930s of course.
What books have influenced you?
So many! Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in The Time of Cholera; Kawabata Yasunari’s The House of Sleeping Beauties; Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus and Little Birds; the Quran; The Kite Runner; many many more. James Herriotts books.
Are you a sports fan?
No.
What five items would you put in a time capsule to be opened in a thousand years?
A photo of my family and me; my favourite book; my favourite perfume; buku Yassin and a lock of my hair.
Have you read any of the crossover children’s fiction such as J K Rowling (Harry Potter) and Philip Pullman (His Dark Materials)?
Yes.
Who is your style icon?
Two: Audrey Hepburn and Katherine Hepburn. I like the American way of dressing. Very clean and simple.
What is your favourite way to spend a Sunday afternoon?
With my books. If I have a partner, it’ll be hanging out watching movies.
What is your preferred movie-viewing snack food?
Popcorn with salt
How do you write? Straight to computer or sketched ideas with pen and paper?
Sketched ideas. Then write on paper. Then pc.
What is your favourite film?
All the Indiana Jones; Welcome Back Mr McDonald, The English Patient
Can photography be described as art?
Yes.
Have you enrol in a swimming class yet?
Nope. Shy la to wear swim suit. I go for classes in MY HEAD.
What will you be doing at 6:45pm on May 19th?
Packing up to go home, makan, baca and sleep. I told you my life is boring.
What is the weirdest medical condition or physical attribute you have?
I have endometriosis. Which is why I have to be careful for my well-being.
Name something you enjoy that you are not particularly proud of
Hmmm. I wouldn’t know. Hey, I do. I’m not telling you!
Do you have tattoos or piercings?
My ears are pierced.
What' s your favorite smell?
Vanilla. Esp my fave perfume, Angel. Oh oh, yes, another one. But that I can’t tell you! Ha ha!
What is your motto?
Seize the day! ‘Carpe diem!’
Who are your favorite characters in history?
None.
What historical figures do you most despise?
None.
In what country would you like to live?
I would like to live in either Paris, the South of France or the Muslim quarter in Spain. Right now Ubud.
What is your favorite flower?
Haleconias. When we lived in our former home, the garden was blooming with them. I always had this morbid wish that my grave would be surrounded by them.
Who would you have liked to be?
I have always wanted to try being the Most Sexy and Popular Girl, for a day. Nak tengok apa yang syoknya tu.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Poverty.
Would you pose nude for £50,000 (this is not an offer!)?
Only if the painting or photo is burned afterwards!
What' s your favorite fruit?
Mango
Name a sport that really sucks
Netball. In TKC they were crazy for netball. I hated it.
Are you romantically involved with someone at the moment?
No. But I do like someone :) But like all my love affairs, it will never happen.
Wah! Looks like her brain can't stop talking to me. I think I'm exhausted from asking too many questions. And hmm... nothing really juicy or scandalous I could use to sell to the Daily Mirror.*whispering* You know what? I think she's got the hot for that grey haired man. Can you imagine him wearing kain pelikat? And burn that nude photo? Hell no!
Thursday, 5 May 2005
EDITING.... by dz
Last week there were a few revelations, which made me think and do what I had to do the last few days.
I was talking to Peanut about this; we are going on similar yet very different journeys. One of the things we do is edit. Edit our lives. From friendships that no longer benefit us spiritually, emotionally to foods that were bad for us, we ran through a list.
This is life, no?
Editing anything out of your life, especially friends and relatives, can be a painful process. We are all not heartless people, but there are personalities that drain you. And you wonder why, after each encounter you have with them, you are friends.
And so it goes.
I started with my wardrobe. In my past life, I went to many functions and dinners. In this life I have now, I don't. A number of dresses and evening gowns stand forlornly in the cupboard, gathering dust. I have given many away, and there are a few more.
The Dress still stays. Until I wear it once, it will wait in the cupboard. The rest? They do not fit into my life now, and I do not see them fitting into the future.
Now I am wondering how to do this: to get out of an enterprise. Mind you, this is not about ending a friendship, but moving on from a dead end project that I got dragged into this year. I have told the team that I had no passion for it, I didn't want to be part of it, but they begged to differ.
Honeytar opened my eyes last night. "Your laptop being stolen was one way of you detaching yourself from him. That was the final gift from him. Now you are free."
She was right, but I still fret as I have many photos and work in the laptop. Whoever has it, may he or she poo tankers.
I have friends that can be curt about editing. I am in awe of their boldness and hurt by their callousness. But, as we all know, this is life. You just pick yourself up and move on.
Editing requires strength. Physical in the sense that you have to move to take action. When I gave away a dress my arms hurt because the dress had so many memories, but I gave it away.
Emotional because you think, what if you still want to be in touch with the person? So you call your good friends like Sof, and then you realise, it was never meant to be. Mental because you have to be focussed, and it's easy to not be, you know! You delude yourself into thinking that one day all these will be artefacts that the Smithsonian will want upon your death and that your gossip magazines will be studied by 25th century academics.
It is May.
Four months of the year have passed, and so many things have happened. I wonder what will happen today and tomorrow, but I do know that I will be editing more parts of my life that may have served me well years ago, but have no place now.
I was talking to Peanut about this; we are going on similar yet very different journeys. One of the things we do is edit. Edit our lives. From friendships that no longer benefit us spiritually, emotionally to foods that were bad for us, we ran through a list.
This is life, no?
Editing anything out of your life, especially friends and relatives, can be a painful process. We are all not heartless people, but there are personalities that drain you. And you wonder why, after each encounter you have with them, you are friends.
And so it goes.
I started with my wardrobe. In my past life, I went to many functions and dinners. In this life I have now, I don't. A number of dresses and evening gowns stand forlornly in the cupboard, gathering dust. I have given many away, and there are a few more.
The Dress still stays. Until I wear it once, it will wait in the cupboard. The rest? They do not fit into my life now, and I do not see them fitting into the future.
Now I am wondering how to do this: to get out of an enterprise. Mind you, this is not about ending a friendship, but moving on from a dead end project that I got dragged into this year. I have told the team that I had no passion for it, I didn't want to be part of it, but they begged to differ.
Honeytar opened my eyes last night. "Your laptop being stolen was one way of you detaching yourself from him. That was the final gift from him. Now you are free."
She was right, but I still fret as I have many photos and work in the laptop. Whoever has it, may he or she poo tankers.
I have friends that can be curt about editing. I am in awe of their boldness and hurt by their callousness. But, as we all know, this is life. You just pick yourself up and move on.
Editing requires strength. Physical in the sense that you have to move to take action. When I gave away a dress my arms hurt because the dress had so many memories, but I gave it away.
Emotional because you think, what if you still want to be in touch with the person? So you call your good friends like Sof, and then you realise, it was never meant to be. Mental because you have to be focussed, and it's easy to not be, you know! You delude yourself into thinking that one day all these will be artefacts that the Smithsonian will want upon your death and that your gossip magazines will be studied by 25th century academics.
It is May.
Four months of the year have passed, and so many things have happened. I wonder what will happen today and tomorrow, but I do know that I will be editing more parts of my life that may have served me well years ago, but have no place now.
Thursday, 21 April 2005
Hey ladies, listen to madame dz...
the Malay Men saga continues. Depa kena lagi.
Funny but after that post, my girlfriends called me to say how much they detested Malay men. They were fed up with Malay men.
Ina called me later this evening to rant and rail. See, Ins is still on good terms with her Mat Salleh ex. They exchange sms's and emails. Even though they flirt a bit they know it's just friendship now.
She asked me the USD1,000,000 question:"Dins. Kenapa kan dengan laki Melayu ni banyak songel? Kita sms to say hello, dia ingat kita ni gatal. Cannot say hello ke?"
Then:
"You ever had this Dins? You meet a guy. You like each other. Satu hari 10-20 emails. Sms macam kelemumur. Then ah, tetiba, he's busy. One moment he's pursuing you, the next he's cold. What is this la wey? I am 37, I cannot play games la Dins. You ever had this?"
"Of course I had that. Don't ask me. As far as I am concerned I hope that twit is crapping bricks. Bukan main dulu, puji kita sampai syurga. Suddenly now always so busy. All Malay men must die!" I said.
"You know. I just got to know the guy. We both like each other. TAPI... why ah when sms him it takes him 3 hours to reply? In Europe that's considered rude."Sharina, that's why Malay men live in Malaysia. They wouldn't last in Europe."
"You macam mana? Dah ada bf dah?"
"I ok je. Duk SS kat Anderson Cooper ni. We're making babies right now."
Malay men always get angry when we tell them they're basketcases. But their so-called nilai-nilai Melayu murni stop short when they get the girl, so to speak. I think all of them need to go for Romance 101 and Diplomacy 500 courses.
I could go on bashing men but I don't intend to. But here's a survival guide for all single women that like a certain someone out there:
He may claim he's crazy about you but actions speak louder than words. So ignore the talk and see the walk. If he hasn't dumped the hussy or crossed three oceans to be with you, he ain't into you.
In the beginning of a romance, the first month is always lovey dovey. He misses you la, rindu you la, taik kucing you la.
MUCH as you want to believe it, DON'T BELIEVE THAT CRAP. MEN WILL SAY ANYTHING TO GET YOU TO BLOW HIM IN THE FIRST MONTH.
You want to know if the guy really likes you? Get yourself into a crisis. If the guy doesn't come to your rescue, despite him claiming he's mad about you, forget the turd.
If he really likes you, he'll drop everything for you. He can be a momma's boy, he can be a transvestite, he can be married or gay, but if he really likes you, he'll be at your doorstep.And etc.
How does one move on?
Easy. So long you ain't married to him, I figure you go your way or find someone else. Men are just numbers.
What, how can you say that Dins?
Hello, you men replace us like how you drop turds in an hour, so why the hell can't we women be shallow? Baby, you're just a number.
No man is worth the pain. If you think your heart is going to be broken, get out NOW. You do the heart-breaking.
Apa dah, I love him, I know he loves me wah wah bla bla, this is the 21st century. Apa you takut sangat? With the Internet, you can find someone in a second somewhere in Poland. Or Papua New Guinea.(Good no? Jauh-jauh)
Lastly, darling women. You can be fat, ugly, pimpled etc, but remember this:
You are a Goddess. Take a good look around you. There are one or two not so attractive people out there, in love and having happy relationships.
NOW DON'T CRY AND TELL ME THIS: DINS, HOW COME AH, THAT GIRL, SO UGLY BUT GOT BOYFRIEND MEH...
Think yourself lucky. She could have settled, and no woman or man should just settle.If you feel really low, do this then.
In the room or toilet:
Make monkey facesTell yourself 'I am the greatest! I am the best!'
Grab your tits and go Woooooooooaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhh I'm bustin'
And no matter how bad you feel, and I've been there baby, I've been there, remember: you're fabulous.
So, there you go womenfolk. Hope you quench your thirst for dz's positive writing to uplift your spirits. We sisters stand together.
Funny but after that post, my girlfriends called me to say how much they detested Malay men. They were fed up with Malay men.
Ina called me later this evening to rant and rail. See, Ins is still on good terms with her Mat Salleh ex. They exchange sms's and emails. Even though they flirt a bit they know it's just friendship now.
She asked me the USD1,000,000 question:"Dins. Kenapa kan dengan laki Melayu ni banyak songel? Kita sms to say hello, dia ingat kita ni gatal. Cannot say hello ke?"
Then:
"You ever had this Dins? You meet a guy. You like each other. Satu hari 10-20 emails. Sms macam kelemumur. Then ah, tetiba, he's busy. One moment he's pursuing you, the next he's cold. What is this la wey? I am 37, I cannot play games la Dins. You ever had this?"
"Of course I had that. Don't ask me. As far as I am concerned I hope that twit is crapping bricks. Bukan main dulu, puji kita sampai syurga. Suddenly now always so busy. All Malay men must die!" I said.
"You know. I just got to know the guy. We both like each other. TAPI... why ah when sms him it takes him 3 hours to reply? In Europe that's considered rude."Sharina, that's why Malay men live in Malaysia. They wouldn't last in Europe."
"You macam mana? Dah ada bf dah?"
"I ok je. Duk SS kat Anderson Cooper ni. We're making babies right now."
Malay men always get angry when we tell them they're basketcases. But their so-called nilai-nilai Melayu murni stop short when they get the girl, so to speak. I think all of them need to go for Romance 101 and Diplomacy 500 courses.
I could go on bashing men but I don't intend to. But here's a survival guide for all single women that like a certain someone out there:
He may claim he's crazy about you but actions speak louder than words. So ignore the talk and see the walk. If he hasn't dumped the hussy or crossed three oceans to be with you, he ain't into you.
In the beginning of a romance, the first month is always lovey dovey. He misses you la, rindu you la, taik kucing you la.
MUCH as you want to believe it, DON'T BELIEVE THAT CRAP. MEN WILL SAY ANYTHING TO GET YOU TO BLOW HIM IN THE FIRST MONTH.
You want to know if the guy really likes you? Get yourself into a crisis. If the guy doesn't come to your rescue, despite him claiming he's mad about you, forget the turd.
If he really likes you, he'll drop everything for you. He can be a momma's boy, he can be a transvestite, he can be married or gay, but if he really likes you, he'll be at your doorstep.And etc.
How does one move on?
Easy. So long you ain't married to him, I figure you go your way or find someone else. Men are just numbers.
What, how can you say that Dins?
Hello, you men replace us like how you drop turds in an hour, so why the hell can't we women be shallow? Baby, you're just a number.
No man is worth the pain. If you think your heart is going to be broken, get out NOW. You do the heart-breaking.
Apa dah, I love him, I know he loves me wah wah bla bla, this is the 21st century. Apa you takut sangat? With the Internet, you can find someone in a second somewhere in Poland. Or Papua New Guinea.(Good no? Jauh-jauh)
Lastly, darling women. You can be fat, ugly, pimpled etc, but remember this:
You are a Goddess. Take a good look around you. There are one or two not so attractive people out there, in love and having happy relationships.
NOW DON'T CRY AND TELL ME THIS: DINS, HOW COME AH, THAT GIRL, SO UGLY BUT GOT BOYFRIEND MEH...
Think yourself lucky. She could have settled, and no woman or man should just settle.If you feel really low, do this then.
In the room or toilet:
Make monkey facesTell yourself 'I am the greatest! I am the best!'
Grab your tits and go Woooooooooaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhh I'm bustin'
And no matter how bad you feel, and I've been there baby, I've been there, remember: you're fabulous.
So, there you go womenfolk. Hope you quench your thirst for dz's positive writing to uplift your spirits. We sisters stand together.
Wednesday, 20 April 2005
Men are from Mars
Quote of the day: How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Before you get mad at me, let me just say that I like men. What's not to like, right? I'm no man-eater nor man-hater.
Men are like... placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like... parking spaces.
All the good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like... photocopiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like... mini skirts.
If you are not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like... bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Before you get mad at me, let me just say that I like men. What's not to like, right? I'm no man-eater nor man-hater.
Men are like... placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like... parking spaces.
All the good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like... photocopiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like... mini skirts.
If you are not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like... bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Tuesday, 19 April 2005
Malay men, in love and relationship
I was chatting with a writer friend while she was writing a masterpiece (which I will post in the 2nd installment), and when it finally arrived in my mailbox, I found myself in agreement with her. What is it about Malay men that are so hopeless... in love and relationship?
I tell you, only a handful of women are lucky to find love with Malay men. The rest of the women population is still looking for men who will treat us in a gentlemanlike manner and at the same time accept us the way we are. If we speak our minds out or have personality and intelligence, don't expect us to change and pretend dumb after marriage. You know, wysiwyg. Accept these characters in us, not running away.
So anyway, with her permission I would like to share the first of two posts because I just couldn't keep them to myself. For lack of better words on my part, I had to post the original version in her own words as I am not good at writing and couldn't come out with better twists and drama.
And I think, you'd be happy to read her posts, after her blogs vanished so fast, which left us feeling void for some times.
Yesterday was a religious day for me. I went for an Aqidah class with Peanut and in the afternoon, my parents hosted another usrah. If I had another class yesterday, I'd be qualified to be a pope, that's how much religion I had yesterday.
But my posting today is not about how I have become an angel. Or the fact that I won a gym membership (yay yay!). It is about my future life with a man.Those that know my family will know that the women in my family are lively. They are also blessed with Malay male spouses that are supportive, but they are at their wits' end when it comes to their daughters' spouses.
After the usrah all the ladies dragged me to Nora's room to lecture me on men and dating.
"You have to date Dato Azmi Khalid."
"Kan dia tu nikoh si Normala Shamsuddin nu?""How old is he Cik Nor?" I asked.
"63."
"Hahahahha, Mummy! Cik Nor nok Dina nikoh orang tua."
"Apa pulak tua? He's very handsome. Now kan ada Viagra."
"He's Bah's AGE. Yucks."
Then Cik Jee spoke out loud:
"Chor (my mum's nickname). You can't allow Dina to marry a Malay man. She is not for them."
What a pandemonium in the room!
I sat there and twiddled my hair. I make a good bimbo you know.
Ever since I became single, there seems to be no end to this matchmaking thing. I went to one and the guy told my friend he was a boobs man. Meaning, Dina didn't have big enough tits for him. WTF?
Two weeks ago, I was told by my male friends (5 actually) that I was scary to men, and that I didn't have the looks Malay men wanted.
I kept quiet because I was curious. All my girlfriends are like me and have decent marriages, so why was I the exception? I'm not that clever, I have 32A tits (though I lie to myself in the mirror and pretend my tits are 34B) and when I put on my Clarins Beauty Flash Balm I look decent enough not to frighten my nephew.
On Saturday, this guy I kinda dated earlier this year called up - we are now very good friends - and he told me,"Good thing you dumped me because we would not have worked out."
"Why is that?"
"I would not have been able to contain you."
I sat in the car and wondered. Dia ni nak letak I dalam tin Milo ke? Dia ni ingat I ni spring ke? Saya bukan rama-rama, saya manusia. Kadang-kadang saya ni monyet.
When I asked Bah-Bah this he said:Bloody fool wanted a maid. He does not deserve you Princess.
Oh.
When I look at my single friends like Ins, Ija, HoneyTar and co, I really wonder why Malay men are scared of them. Yes, they're independent. Yes, they make their own money. A lot of Malay men marry these women.
Maybe they're scared. Because these women have personalities. It's not a matter of having a mind of their own. Most Malay women have their own minds. But having personalities is something Malay men can't grasp.
This morning I showed Bah-Bah a picture of Anderson Cooper (CNN Anchor) who's in Vanity Fair's Best Dressed List for 2005.
"Bah-bah, Dina nok gini."
"Eesh."
"He's clever, tall, handsome and lives in New York. I think we'll make a beautiful couple."
"Mula doh dia ni... you and your angan-angan."
"ABAH! Listen. You have to face the facts: I may end up with someone out of our race or faith. You heard the aunties. And you know it too. How many men are like you?"
"You will marry a Malay-Muslim. No black Muslim. Mat Salleh Muslim."
"How about I make a deal with you? How about celup-Muslim?"
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"No. But just in case la."
"Are all Malay men that bad?"
"No, but for women like me, yes."
"Hmmph. As long as he's fair, tall and handsome.Nothing like your ex."
Opening this to the court...
Coming soon, 2nd part
I tell you, only a handful of women are lucky to find love with Malay men. The rest of the women population is still looking for men who will treat us in a gentlemanlike manner and at the same time accept us the way we are. If we speak our minds out or have personality and intelligence, don't expect us to change and pretend dumb after marriage. You know, wysiwyg. Accept these characters in us, not running away.
So anyway, with her permission I would like to share the first of two posts because I just couldn't keep them to myself. For lack of better words on my part, I had to post the original version in her own words as I am not good at writing and couldn't come out with better twists and drama.
And I think, you'd be happy to read her posts, after her blogs vanished so fast, which left us feeling void for some times.
Yesterday was a religious day for me. I went for an Aqidah class with Peanut and in the afternoon, my parents hosted another usrah. If I had another class yesterday, I'd be qualified to be a pope, that's how much religion I had yesterday.
But my posting today is not about how I have become an angel. Or the fact that I won a gym membership (yay yay!). It is about my future life with a man.Those that know my family will know that the women in my family are lively. They are also blessed with Malay male spouses that are supportive, but they are at their wits' end when it comes to their daughters' spouses.
After the usrah all the ladies dragged me to Nora's room to lecture me on men and dating.
"You have to date Dato Azmi Khalid."
"Kan dia tu nikoh si Normala Shamsuddin nu?""How old is he Cik Nor?" I asked.
"63."
"Hahahahha, Mummy! Cik Nor nok Dina nikoh orang tua."
"Apa pulak tua? He's very handsome. Now kan ada Viagra."
"He's Bah's AGE. Yucks."
Then Cik Jee spoke out loud:
"Chor (my mum's nickname). You can't allow Dina to marry a Malay man. She is not for them."
What a pandemonium in the room!
I sat there and twiddled my hair. I make a good bimbo you know.
Ever since I became single, there seems to be no end to this matchmaking thing. I went to one and the guy told my friend he was a boobs man. Meaning, Dina didn't have big enough tits for him. WTF?
Two weeks ago, I was told by my male friends (5 actually) that I was scary to men, and that I didn't have the looks Malay men wanted.
I kept quiet because I was curious. All my girlfriends are like me and have decent marriages, so why was I the exception? I'm not that clever, I have 32A tits (though I lie to myself in the mirror and pretend my tits are 34B) and when I put on my Clarins Beauty Flash Balm I look decent enough not to frighten my nephew.
On Saturday, this guy I kinda dated earlier this year called up - we are now very good friends - and he told me,"Good thing you dumped me because we would not have worked out."
"Why is that?"
"I would not have been able to contain you."
I sat in the car and wondered. Dia ni nak letak I dalam tin Milo ke? Dia ni ingat I ni spring ke? Saya bukan rama-rama, saya manusia. Kadang-kadang saya ni monyet.
When I asked Bah-Bah this he said:Bloody fool wanted a maid. He does not deserve you Princess.
Oh.
When I look at my single friends like Ins, Ija, HoneyTar and co, I really wonder why Malay men are scared of them. Yes, they're independent. Yes, they make their own money. A lot of Malay men marry these women.
Maybe they're scared. Because these women have personalities. It's not a matter of having a mind of their own. Most Malay women have their own minds. But having personalities is something Malay men can't grasp.
This morning I showed Bah-Bah a picture of Anderson Cooper (CNN Anchor) who's in Vanity Fair's Best Dressed List for 2005.
"Bah-bah, Dina nok gini."
"Eesh."
"He's clever, tall, handsome and lives in New York. I think we'll make a beautiful couple."
"Mula doh dia ni... you and your angan-angan."
"ABAH! Listen. You have to face the facts: I may end up with someone out of our race or faith. You heard the aunties. And you know it too. How many men are like you?"
"You will marry a Malay-Muslim. No black Muslim. Mat Salleh Muslim."
"How about I make a deal with you? How about celup-Muslim?"
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"No. But just in case la."
"Are all Malay men that bad?"
"No, but for women like me, yes."
"Hmmph. As long as he's fair, tall and handsome.Nothing like your ex."
Opening this to the court...
Coming soon, 2nd part
Friday, 15 April 2005
Kasihani lah hamba ini...
To whom it may concern,
Please snail mail VCD Sepet to my current address:
XX XXXX Road,
XXXXXXXXX XXXXX
XXX XXX London
United Kingdom.
*hint to those yang baik hati dan sudi mengepos dari Malaysia or Singapore.(rafthah, ps, ju, cruella, stellar, poncho(rtd), dade, aces, ray and Malim, leez, sooz etc etc) Tu dia aih, kalau boleh semua nama nak display kat sini.. ni muka tak malu menadah tangan mintak simpati pembaca blog.. heheh
Thank you very much.
Please snail mail VCD Sepet to my current address:
XX XXXX Road,
XXXXXXXXX XXXXX
XXX XXX London
United Kingdom.
*hint to those yang baik hati dan sudi mengepos dari Malaysia or Singapore.(rafthah, ps, ju, cruella, stellar, poncho(rtd), dade, aces, ray and Malim, leez, sooz etc etc) Tu dia aih, kalau boleh semua nama nak display kat sini.. ni muka tak malu menadah tangan mintak simpati pembaca blog.. heheh
Thank you very much.
Saturday, 9 April 2005
of marriage and determination
This week passed by so quickly that I hardly had time to blog. First, there was Aci to be entertained. Second, I'm down with cold and lastly, I am busy packing up stuffs. Tonight is my last night at this apt. It will be awhile before I can blog because I won't have an internet connection at the new place just yet.
On Wed night, I took Aci to meet The Mentor over dinner. Everything went perfectly well until they ganged up on me and started to talk about marriage. Sigh. And every time I changed the subject, they managed to swing back to the boring topic. Aci thought I don't want Aki because he's not good looking. Oh puhleeze! Give me some credit. Look is not everything. It's not that I don't want to get married, I'm simply not ready. Can't anyone understand that?
At the moment, my priorities are slightly different from typical women my age. They want husbands, I want freedom. They want kids, I want travel experience. They want to settle down, I want to globe-trotting. Stop telling me like I don't know what I want. Who knows maybe in the next six months I may change my mind. Of course I didn't say all that to them, I just smiled and mumbled something and sheepishly grinned again. The Mentor got my message, and told Aci that's what I normally did if I didn't really hear what was being discussed.
All the advice given to me are good ones, yet I may need some time before I make a move. I am a determined person and in this respect, Aci and I are very much alike. When we want something, we will work towards it. I guess that's why somehow she understood me eventhough we are not that close as sisters. The only thing that worry her is that, because our parents had passed away, she feels responsible for my wellbeing as she is the head of the family. She worries for me and for that I am grateful. I love you, Aci.
On Wed night, I took Aci to meet The Mentor over dinner. Everything went perfectly well until they ganged up on me and started to talk about marriage. Sigh. And every time I changed the subject, they managed to swing back to the boring topic. Aci thought I don't want Aki because he's not good looking. Oh puhleeze! Give me some credit. Look is not everything. It's not that I don't want to get married, I'm simply not ready. Can't anyone understand that?
At the moment, my priorities are slightly different from typical women my age. They want husbands, I want freedom. They want kids, I want travel experience. They want to settle down, I want to globe-trotting. Stop telling me like I don't know what I want. Who knows maybe in the next six months I may change my mind. Of course I didn't say all that to them, I just smiled and mumbled something and sheepishly grinned again. The Mentor got my message, and told Aci that's what I normally did if I didn't really hear what was being discussed.
All the advice given to me are good ones, yet I may need some time before I make a move. I am a determined person and in this respect, Aci and I are very much alike. When we want something, we will work towards it. I guess that's why somehow she understood me eventhough we are not that close as sisters. The only thing that worry her is that, because our parents had passed away, she feels responsible for my wellbeing as she is the head of the family. She worries for me and for that I am grateful. I love you, Aci.
spye
I'm doing a dina zaman, with the eyes in the profile. Not so original, eh? Hmm.. I'd like to have dreamy eyes, but I love my big eyes anyway. Maybe because through them, I can see what's happening at the rim of the world.
Wednesday, 6 April 2005
Listen! It is a national disease.
So, almost everyone is proud of Siti Nurhaliza or so it seems. Great performance, but that is not the main topic for today. Today's entry is about Malaysians, especially the Malays and punctuality.
Let's take the RAH concert for example. Undoubtedly, everyone involved was on a tight schedule, but for a concert this big, time management is the one of the priorities. If it was 5 or 10 minutes late, people will not make such fuss.
Yet, when it was almost half an hour later, that was considered a poor management. I know we have all sorts of protocols to observe, so we had to wait for the Sultan to mingle around and then be seated first. Kalau dah pukul 7pm pun dok kat luar lagi jumpa Datuk ini, salam Datuk itu, macam mana nak start on time? Next time, get all these VIPs to come, say one hour earlier, so they can do their celebrity pose and be seated 5 minutes before the scheduled show begins. Kalau lambat jugak, employ me as the timekeeper and I'd shoot their toes to get them going.
On many occasions, Malaysians tend to waste precious time before a business meeting catching up with friends and colleagues. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, while we are waiting for a chairperson or VIPs to arrive, that's the only time we have to meet other people. However, most of the time, these people dah la datang lambat, lepas tu nak sembang sembang dulu. Salam orang sana sini and by the time meeting nak start dah rugi setengah jam.
A friend in EX mentioned that her supervisor dah faham sangat with perangai budak-budak Malaysia. Tak ada yang tidak lambat, malah semuanya lambat lambat belaka. Sometimes, I feel sad because that is the image that we portray to the world. Is that what we call profesionalism?Why can't we be punctual? How many times were you waiting for friends at the mall, for them to turn up one hour later?
Is it the tidak-apa attitude that shape our mentality? It has become a norm for Malaysians to be late in almost everything. Where does it all go wrong? Was it our education system? or was it our upbringing? When I first went back to Malaysia, I was so determined to work in an ethical way and be punctual. It all went the way I wanted in the first year, but gradually I got infected with this cultural disease. In fact, I think punctuality is a national disease. I felt bad, because I knew that wasn't the real me but because the society accepted the behavior, I soothed myself with that excuse. Even then, I was still one of the people who will arrive early at a meeting or gathering. These days, at least I'm back on a normal turf.
So, how do we change the behavior?Maybe it all should start with our leaders. The PM should always be on time and show this example to his Mentris and the Mentris should do the same to their SUKs. Thus, it become a chain reaction that would probably yield a very positive result. Forget the tete-e-tete, and go straight to work. You can have it after the meeting or over lunch. Or else, come earlier.
If you're your own boss or a manager somewhere, then start within yourself and teach your mind to be punctual. Over time, people will understand your work ethics and they may follow. Remember, small steps make a big difference.
Let's take the RAH concert for example. Undoubtedly, everyone involved was on a tight schedule, but for a concert this big, time management is the one of the priorities. If it was 5 or 10 minutes late, people will not make such fuss.
Yet, when it was almost half an hour later, that was considered a poor management. I know we have all sorts of protocols to observe, so we had to wait for the Sultan to mingle around and then be seated first. Kalau dah pukul 7pm pun dok kat luar lagi jumpa Datuk ini, salam Datuk itu, macam mana nak start on time? Next time, get all these VIPs to come, say one hour earlier, so they can do their celebrity pose and be seated 5 minutes before the scheduled show begins. Kalau lambat jugak, employ me as the timekeeper and I'd shoot their toes to get them going.
On many occasions, Malaysians tend to waste precious time before a business meeting catching up with friends and colleagues. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, while we are waiting for a chairperson or VIPs to arrive, that's the only time we have to meet other people. However, most of the time, these people dah la datang lambat, lepas tu nak sembang sembang dulu. Salam orang sana sini and by the time meeting nak start dah rugi setengah jam.
A friend in EX mentioned that her supervisor dah faham sangat with perangai budak-budak Malaysia. Tak ada yang tidak lambat, malah semuanya lambat lambat belaka. Sometimes, I feel sad because that is the image that we portray to the world. Is that what we call profesionalism?Why can't we be punctual? How many times were you waiting for friends at the mall, for them to turn up one hour later?
Is it the tidak-apa attitude that shape our mentality? It has become a norm for Malaysians to be late in almost everything. Where does it all go wrong? Was it our education system? or was it our upbringing? When I first went back to Malaysia, I was so determined to work in an ethical way and be punctual. It all went the way I wanted in the first year, but gradually I got infected with this cultural disease. In fact, I think punctuality is a national disease. I felt bad, because I knew that wasn't the real me but because the society accepted the behavior, I soothed myself with that excuse. Even then, I was still one of the people who will arrive early at a meeting or gathering. These days, at least I'm back on a normal turf.
So, how do we change the behavior?Maybe it all should start with our leaders. The PM should always be on time and show this example to his Mentris and the Mentris should do the same to their SUKs. Thus, it become a chain reaction that would probably yield a very positive result. Forget the tete-e-tete, and go straight to work. You can have it after the meeting or over lunch. Or else, come earlier.
If you're your own boss or a manager somewhere, then start within yourself and teach your mind to be punctual. Over time, people will understand your work ethics and they may follow. Remember, small steps make a big difference.
Thursday, 31 March 2005
cornered into making decision
On a gloomy day like today, all I wanted to do was to go back under cover and sleep till noon. Obviously, no chance of doing that. By 8am, I was making toasts and nasi goreng for our breakfast and bekal. There was no way I'm going to stop and have a meal at restaurant as we had a long drive and a lot of places to visit.
As I was munching my first bite of the toast with cream cheese, Aci said, 'You know, I hate to bring this up. Even JavaMan is furious with me for stirring the issue in the first place. However, I have to ask you since there are people who are expecting some answer'.
Oh oh! What this? So, she told me how it started and how I become involved in this situation. And how she got trapped in her own becokness. At least, I knew that my bro-in-law told her to mind her own business, but she being my sister, had to ask me personally. This is the second time she brought this issue up, after almost 3 years.
I laughed after I heard this nonsense question/request. Come on! It's almost like incest.
There I was, writing about dreams and stars, and today I was asked to consider something that wasn't on my list. I'm commitment-phobic and I've been independent for too long. What will happen to my travel plans if I give the much expected answer that will make some people happy? Will I be happy? Do I want to tie myself to a pole? Gosh! Decision has to be made before she leaves.
Please God! I think I know the answer, but what's my excuse? I'm almost 31 and they are folks I know.
As I was munching my first bite of the toast with cream cheese, Aci said, 'You know, I hate to bring this up. Even JavaMan is furious with me for stirring the issue in the first place. However, I have to ask you since there are people who are expecting some answer'.
Oh oh! What this? So, she told me how it started and how I become involved in this situation. And how she got trapped in her own becokness. At least, I knew that my bro-in-law told her to mind her own business, but she being my sister, had to ask me personally. This is the second time she brought this issue up, after almost 3 years.
I laughed after I heard this nonsense question/request. Come on! It's almost like incest.
There I was, writing about dreams and stars, and today I was asked to consider something that wasn't on my list. I'm commitment-phobic and I've been independent for too long. What will happen to my travel plans if I give the much expected answer that will make some people happy? Will I be happy? Do I want to tie myself to a pole? Gosh! Decision has to be made before she leaves.
Please God! I think I know the answer, but what's my excuse? I'm almost 31 and they are folks I know.
Wednesday, 30 March 2005
out with my secret and our differences
Yay! I'm off til the end of the week. Aci is here. Picked her up at Heathrow and after waiting for more than an hour, she was among the first to come out. She was surpised to see me looking like this. I think she had the question at the tip of her tongue but I told her, 'Later'
We chatted about her long flight and food she brought for me. She had a very pleasant chat with a manis man, Anuar Zain who sat next to her. All they did was talking and eating, or so she said. Apparently, he's here to give support to that Pahang lass at the Royal Albert Hall. I guess she desperately needs all the support she can get, they even reduced the price by half. Doesn't that tell you something? And I think maybe you people will hear about me being there too.
As we were driving out of the car park, I knew she had to ask. A brief explanation from me as I do not know what else to say. I can't really say what's in my head like I do to friends and it seems like I still see as the big sister I'm scared of, even though I tried telling myself to treat her like a friend. No, can't do. Maybe it's the huge age gap. Maybe it's the different views of life. Maybe it's my restless unsettled adventure streak. Maybe she's too engrossed with career and family. Maybes.
I didn't give her time to relax (for all I know she might feel jetlag) and off we went to central London for a night walk. Yeah right! It was raining, and she can't stand the cold weather. I don't know how she lived in the US for 7 years. Oh! I forgot, she cheated. Moved to sunny CA to avoid freezing Wichita.
It's 1:30am, she's now asleep, while I'm writing nonsense. Long day tomorrow. I'm taking her to Kent. Don't know if I have time to write more entries.Night night.
We chatted about her long flight and food she brought for me. She had a very pleasant chat with a manis man, Anuar Zain who sat next to her. All they did was talking and eating, or so she said. Apparently, he's here to give support to that Pahang lass at the Royal Albert Hall. I guess she desperately needs all the support she can get, they even reduced the price by half. Doesn't that tell you something? And I think maybe you people will hear about me being there too.
As we were driving out of the car park, I knew she had to ask. A brief explanation from me as I do not know what else to say. I can't really say what's in my head like I do to friends and it seems like I still see as the big sister I'm scared of, even though I tried telling myself to treat her like a friend. No, can't do. Maybe it's the huge age gap. Maybe it's the different views of life. Maybe it's my restless unsettled adventure streak. Maybe she's too engrossed with career and family. Maybes.
I didn't give her time to relax (for all I know she might feel jetlag) and off we went to central London for a night walk. Yeah right! It was raining, and she can't stand the cold weather. I don't know how she lived in the US for 7 years. Oh! I forgot, she cheated. Moved to sunny CA to avoid freezing Wichita.
It's 1:30am, she's now asleep, while I'm writing nonsense. Long day tomorrow. I'm taking her to Kent. Don't know if I have time to write more entries.Night night.
Friday, 25 March 2005
Leave us alone
Being born as the eldest, one may say it is going to be an uphill task showing good examples and carrying more responsibility than the rest of the siblings. The parents' dreams to be fulfilled, the grandparents' expectations and the family legacy to carry forward. Some think that since the firstborn is normally expected to excel in everything they do, the other siblings feel less burden thus ensuring them to have some breathing space. And the youngest is said to have an easy and pampered life because the path has been cleared and expectations are slightly less than before.
It is true that a lot is expected from the firstborns. New parents will map out their first child's life with what they think is best for him or her. It starts with the best kindergarten, the branded clothings and the trust fund up to the prestigeous university and later to the post of an executive director or a medical specialist. This is the trend among the parents, and no matter how hard we deny this, it somehow reflects the Malaysian society too.
But that is not what I want to talk about, because I do not know how it feels to be the firstborn in the first place. However, I do know what it is like to be the youngest. A lot of people make generalization that usually the youngest sibling leads a spoilt life. In another word, a brat. It may be true, because sometimes I felt that I was allowed to run free in my younger years, though I do not see myself as a brat.
Most of the time, our parents would grant us a lot of things we asked for and on top of that, we have brothers and sisters who are looking after us and showering us with material goods as well. Firstborns normally have a lot of pressure from parents but when it comes to us, the youngest, most parents become more mellowed and lenient, thus giving us less pressure. Nevertheless, I do feel that if one has an older sibling who is great at everything, one will have greater burden and an uphill route to follow.
Everything one does will be compared to the eldest sibling's achievements. Who was better at SPM? Why didn't you get good result like your brother? Why can't you be a good son like your brother? Your sister went to the US, your brothers in Mesir and Japan, where are you going? Why can't you be pretty and sweet like your sister?
These typical questions drive us crazy. So we do what we know best. We protest. By flunking our exams, showing our tantrums, joining bad crowds and doing exactly the opposite way from what the eldest did. We can never be like our sisters or brothers. We may be slow and we may be different but we still carry the same responsibility and we are expected to deliver similar results. Yet, we are unique in our own way, so leave us be. Given time, space and understanding, we will turn to be the most beautiful butterfly and when we spread our wings, we will fly as high as others, sometimes even higher.
It is true that a lot is expected from the firstborns. New parents will map out their first child's life with what they think is best for him or her. It starts with the best kindergarten, the branded clothings and the trust fund up to the prestigeous university and later to the post of an executive director or a medical specialist. This is the trend among the parents, and no matter how hard we deny this, it somehow reflects the Malaysian society too.
But that is not what I want to talk about, because I do not know how it feels to be the firstborn in the first place. However, I do know what it is like to be the youngest. A lot of people make generalization that usually the youngest sibling leads a spoilt life. In another word, a brat. It may be true, because sometimes I felt that I was allowed to run free in my younger years, though I do not see myself as a brat.
Most of the time, our parents would grant us a lot of things we asked for and on top of that, we have brothers and sisters who are looking after us and showering us with material goods as well. Firstborns normally have a lot of pressure from parents but when it comes to us, the youngest, most parents become more mellowed and lenient, thus giving us less pressure. Nevertheless, I do feel that if one has an older sibling who is great at everything, one will have greater burden and an uphill route to follow.
Everything one does will be compared to the eldest sibling's achievements. Who was better at SPM? Why didn't you get good result like your brother? Why can't you be a good son like your brother? Your sister went to the US, your brothers in Mesir and Japan, where are you going? Why can't you be pretty and sweet like your sister?
These typical questions drive us crazy. So we do what we know best. We protest. By flunking our exams, showing our tantrums, joining bad crowds and doing exactly the opposite way from what the eldest did. We can never be like our sisters or brothers. We may be slow and we may be different but we still carry the same responsibility and we are expected to deliver similar results. Yet, we are unique in our own way, so leave us be. Given time, space and understanding, we will turn to be the most beautiful butterfly and when we spread our wings, we will fly as high as others, sometimes even higher.
Friday, 18 March 2005
Think it over and over again
There will be a time when a person has to make a decision that will either make her or break her. As we are busy accumulating wealth and simultaneously trying to find happiness, we often forget to live our lives the way we want to.We go along living an ordinary routine because that's what our family and society expect us to do. We learn to adapt or simply make do with what we have or what we can get. Priorities set aside as circumstances change. And as we grow older, more are expected from us than what we can deliver.
Sometimes when people tell you to set your priorities right, do they mean, 'change your present life for something better', or 'live your life the way you see fit', or 'by the age of 40, you should have a house or two and drive a beamer because that's what expected of you'?
One day you will wake up and say, I wish I had taken the opportunity, I wish I can turn back time and be 24 again. Well, guess what? Your wishes will never come true. Once it's gone out of your grasp, it may never pass your way again. Or so I thought.
I took a chance, gambled my life and here I am. In a another land of opportunity. Life is good, but all the good things never really last, innit?So, at this age, I find myself at a similar junction just like when I was 24. I took a wrong turning and found out a few years later that I made the wrong choice. I blew it up then. But God is great as a second chance came passing by my path. All I have to do is work a little harder to reach for it.
What if I did the same again? Dare I say that this time I will right the wrong? Maybe my wrong is your right and my right is not so wrong after all. I'm confused but I am determined that this time I won't have any regret. Shall I gamble all I have in order to find the ultimate fulfillment?
Sometimes when people tell you to set your priorities right, do they mean, 'change your present life for something better', or 'live your life the way you see fit', or 'by the age of 40, you should have a house or two and drive a beamer because that's what expected of you'?
One day you will wake up and say, I wish I had taken the opportunity, I wish I can turn back time and be 24 again. Well, guess what? Your wishes will never come true. Once it's gone out of your grasp, it may never pass your way again. Or so I thought.
I took a chance, gambled my life and here I am. In a another land of opportunity. Life is good, but all the good things never really last, innit?So, at this age, I find myself at a similar junction just like when I was 24. I took a wrong turning and found out a few years later that I made the wrong choice. I blew it up then. But God is great as a second chance came passing by my path. All I have to do is work a little harder to reach for it.
What if I did the same again? Dare I say that this time I will right the wrong? Maybe my wrong is your right and my right is not so wrong after all. I'm confused but I am determined that this time I won't have any regret. Shall I gamble all I have in order to find the ultimate fulfillment?
Tuesday, 8 March 2005
what nationality are you?
The rent was supposed to be deducted from my account today, but early this morning Wolves left a bombshell note saying that she couldn't go to the bank since she'd be out of London. Dammit! Rang the bank and found out that I had an overdrawn of over 140 quid. Shit!
Had to transfer some money from my savings to cover that up and after 20 minutes of waiting (they just love putting people on hold) and talking to the reps, it was finally settled. You know, by listening to the way people speak and their accents, you can tell whether they are Indian, Oriental, Black or English. These days, I can say that it's kinda easy to recognize a Pole, Czech, Japanese, Italian or even a Hungarian after I spoke to him or her.
So, when I first heard her voice, I kinda knew that a Malaysian was talking to me on the other line, but I didn't want to ask. However, she had the advantage because she knows my name. After she cleared my account, I knew she had to ask. The question was out and I told her.
We chatted for a while, and she told me her name is Fazlin. While we were talking, she kept calling me by my father's name. I don't have a problem with that because I'm used to being addressed by my last name but it was kinda weird when a fellow Malaysian did that. Uh! I hope she doesn't read this blog though, or else she would know who I am or where I work. The only consolation is that not a lot of people knows what I look like and I'd like to stay faceless to most.
Oh! Btw, do you know that in Lithuania, the last letter for a girl's name is always 'a' and for boys it will always be 's'? Like my friends' names Angelina and Aturas. I was told that Lithuanians never had and never will use names like Michael or Peter or Dorothy or Heidi. Interesting discovery. Mmm... maybe they lithuanized the names to be Michas, Petras, Dorothea and Hedia.
Had to transfer some money from my savings to cover that up and after 20 minutes of waiting (they just love putting people on hold) and talking to the reps, it was finally settled. You know, by listening to the way people speak and their accents, you can tell whether they are Indian, Oriental, Black or English. These days, I can say that it's kinda easy to recognize a Pole, Czech, Japanese, Italian or even a Hungarian after I spoke to him or her.
So, when I first heard her voice, I kinda knew that a Malaysian was talking to me on the other line, but I didn't want to ask. However, she had the advantage because she knows my name. After she cleared my account, I knew she had to ask. The question was out and I told her.
We chatted for a while, and she told me her name is Fazlin. While we were talking, she kept calling me by my father's name. I don't have a problem with that because I'm used to being addressed by my last name but it was kinda weird when a fellow Malaysian did that. Uh! I hope she doesn't read this blog though, or else she would know who I am or where I work. The only consolation is that not a lot of people knows what I look like and I'd like to stay faceless to most.
Oh! Btw, do you know that in Lithuania, the last letter for a girl's name is always 'a' and for boys it will always be 's'? Like my friends' names Angelina and Aturas. I was told that Lithuanians never had and never will use names like Michael or Peter or Dorothy or Heidi. Interesting discovery. Mmm... maybe they lithuanized the names to be Michas, Petras, Dorothea and Hedia.
Thursday, 3 March 2005
3 budak setan
I've been having itchy feet all week after watching Richard Gere and J. Lo. I heard the Japanese version is so much better. Wish I can buy it from my local dvd pirate. Dancing is kinda sexy and exotic, no? But, right now I feel more like sleeping and resting my legs. I didn't know what made me walked to the cinema from home. It's a good 20 minutes one way. If it's nice and sunny, I don't mind but it's freezing cold though no more snow.
I'm gonna miss this place when I move out in less than 2 months. Yes dammit! I'm moving again. I'm tired of packing and unpacking but I think it's best to find another place.
The current flat is comfortable, cozy and nice but it's too expensive for us all. The rent itself is not too bad considering the location and I love my room, but when you add up all the bills, I have just little left at the end of the month. That's why I can't afford a broadband :(
Another reason is Wolves may be going back to her country to finish her studies. I'm annoyed with her because when she asked me to move in with her, she should have known her plans or at least let me know of the possibility. If I have known that we're only staying here for 6 months, I wouldn't move at all. Bengang lah macam ni. Masa before pindah, macam macam cerita and urging us to move out cepat cepat. I even told her my doubt about the rent and the bills, but she said everything won't be that expensive. Now that I let go my fab old place, she backs out on me. Darn it! Tak boleh pakai punya orang.
To top that up, Kfiatek is giving me unnecessary headache. He thinks that maybe we could join forces with The Hotelier in finding a flat. Unfortunately, The Hotelier seems keen to find a 3 bedroom flat in Camden or Hampstead area for us all, which will kill me. Doesn't she know that to share a flat between 3 persons in that areas is a huge dent to our pockets? Hey woman, I got other bills to pay also you know. At the moment, the rent for her tiny pathetic box studio is £620 per month and she doesn't earn 6 figures either. The only nice thing about her place is that it's in Notting Hill. Notting Hill, babe! Yang ni memang minah glamer. Lagi mahal tempat tu, lagi dia nak. Hancur.
It's such a hassle to relocate. Change GP, find new gym, change of address for all bills and banks, new parking permit, bla bla. Tired lah.
I mentioned to Kfiatek that maybe we should go separate ways but he whines and moans that he can't live all by himself. According to him, I'm all he has left in London after he got dumped and all his friends went back home.
Oh no. What have I got myself into? I know I've been giving him advices, listening to him and encouraging him to move on to better things, but I didn't mean for him to be depending on me.He's a nice bloke, but he's just lazy and take life for granted. Basuh pinggan pun malas. Penat nak clean up after him lah, but if I didn't clean them up I won't have any pots and plates to use. Cis! Ada ke patut dia tak cuci my grill machine for one week and keep on re-using it to grill his chicken everyday until I told him off. Geli aku nak makan lah but he doesn't care. Mangkok ayun betullah. And then moaning about not having opportunity coming his way and stuff. Having no ambition whatsoever and no direction and goals to achieve. He doesn't even know what he wants to do ultimately. No clue. Only after some hard probing on my side, then he got into thinking about his goals but he's still blur.Sigh.
Kekadang aku rasa nak cekik je dia ni. Wake up! Wake up!So, I'm dealing with 3 people who are not sensible in making decisions. Well, decisions that affect me, that is. I am going to do what I want. I'll find a place just for me. They think I'm looking for a place for us all. Sorry lah ye. I'll tell them after two weeks that I didn't find any that fit their criteria, but in fact all along I won't even bother looking for anything except my own place. Memang I jahat and selfish, so what? Even before we moved here, it was me who did all the work, the rest just tagged along. Hah! I gave enough, now it's time for myself.
Tapi kan, nanti I mesti rasa tak sampai hati pulak. Sigh.
I'm gonna miss this place when I move out in less than 2 months. Yes dammit! I'm moving again. I'm tired of packing and unpacking but I think it's best to find another place.
The current flat is comfortable, cozy and nice but it's too expensive for us all. The rent itself is not too bad considering the location and I love my room, but when you add up all the bills, I have just little left at the end of the month. That's why I can't afford a broadband :(
Another reason is Wolves may be going back to her country to finish her studies. I'm annoyed with her because when she asked me to move in with her, she should have known her plans or at least let me know of the possibility. If I have known that we're only staying here for 6 months, I wouldn't move at all. Bengang lah macam ni. Masa before pindah, macam macam cerita and urging us to move out cepat cepat. I even told her my doubt about the rent and the bills, but she said everything won't be that expensive. Now that I let go my fab old place, she backs out on me. Darn it! Tak boleh pakai punya orang.
To top that up, Kfiatek is giving me unnecessary headache. He thinks that maybe we could join forces with The Hotelier in finding a flat. Unfortunately, The Hotelier seems keen to find a 3 bedroom flat in Camden or Hampstead area for us all, which will kill me. Doesn't she know that to share a flat between 3 persons in that areas is a huge dent to our pockets? Hey woman, I got other bills to pay also you know. At the moment, the rent for her tiny pathetic box studio is £620 per month and she doesn't earn 6 figures either. The only nice thing about her place is that it's in Notting Hill. Notting Hill, babe! Yang ni memang minah glamer. Lagi mahal tempat tu, lagi dia nak. Hancur.
It's such a hassle to relocate. Change GP, find new gym, change of address for all bills and banks, new parking permit, bla bla. Tired lah.
I mentioned to Kfiatek that maybe we should go separate ways but he whines and moans that he can't live all by himself. According to him, I'm all he has left in London after he got dumped and all his friends went back home.
Oh no. What have I got myself into? I know I've been giving him advices, listening to him and encouraging him to move on to better things, but I didn't mean for him to be depending on me.He's a nice bloke, but he's just lazy and take life for granted. Basuh pinggan pun malas. Penat nak clean up after him lah, but if I didn't clean them up I won't have any pots and plates to use. Cis! Ada ke patut dia tak cuci my grill machine for one week and keep on re-using it to grill his chicken everyday until I told him off. Geli aku nak makan lah but he doesn't care. Mangkok ayun betullah. And then moaning about not having opportunity coming his way and stuff. Having no ambition whatsoever and no direction and goals to achieve. He doesn't even know what he wants to do ultimately. No clue. Only after some hard probing on my side, then he got into thinking about his goals but he's still blur.Sigh.
Kekadang aku rasa nak cekik je dia ni. Wake up! Wake up!So, I'm dealing with 3 people who are not sensible in making decisions. Well, decisions that affect me, that is. I am going to do what I want. I'll find a place just for me. They think I'm looking for a place for us all. Sorry lah ye. I'll tell them after two weeks that I didn't find any that fit their criteria, but in fact all along I won't even bother looking for anything except my own place. Memang I jahat and selfish, so what? Even before we moved here, it was me who did all the work, the rest just tagged along. Hah! I gave enough, now it's time for myself.
Tapi kan, nanti I mesti rasa tak sampai hati pulak. Sigh.
Wednesday, 2 March 2005
Epilog Cinta Dari Bromley
Today, I had an appointment to see a theatre manager in Bromley. I never set foot there before, so I was kind of excited to find out about the town. Every time I saw the name Bromley, it reminds me of the song by Sohaimi Meor Hassan.
First impression as I entered the area, neat. Very nice and quiet residential areas, not too posh and not tooshabby either. The high street is quite well planned unlike some places I went. People are friendly and the manager was even friendlier and talkative (I'm not complaining). And the most important thing is that the town is clean. I didn't see rubbish on the streets or the pedestrian walkway, which is a big A+.
I don't mind living here except it's quite far from M4 motorway which is an essential aspect in choosing a place to live, for me anyway.
The thing I like about the theatres is I usually get a free entertainment and a tour of the place, from the backstage to the seating areas to the bar and the store rooms. Like yesterday, I was at the Theatre Royal in Brighton and most of the time I was left alone to do my work in the foyer next to the entrance to the stage. A whole bunch of the casts went in and started practising their numbers and I got to listen to a free show.A
nother time, I was at a theatre near Strand with my former colleague when the sotong manager took us inside to see Christian Slater rehearsing his lines. We had to act normal and unaffected, but dalam hati Emm and I were so excited and giddy that we just had to let the whole world know about it. The manager even took us to wait at the backstage just in case we could say hi, but CS was busy concentrating on the stage. Unfortunately, we couldn't take pictures because it's a private rehearsal and no paparazzi is allowed. Heh.
Epilog Cinta Dari Bromley
Kau tersenyum manja
Menyatakan hasrat di hatimu
Kau kata kau cinta
Cinta pertama kepadaku
Ku hampir tergoda
Bergelora dalam kalbu
Kau bukan untuk ku
Kau dan aku
Tak mungkin berpadu
Nun di sana beribu batu
Kau kutinggalkan
Bersama hatimu
Nun di sana kau meratap pilu
Satu masa nanti
Kau akan mengerti
Apa maksudku
Kini kau menanti
Harapan mu abadi terhadapku
Kau coretkan lagi
Rahsia hatimu kepadaku
Ku doakan dikau
Bertemu seorang teman sejati
Yang satu aliran
Satu kepercayaan
Aduhai Katie
First impression as I entered the area, neat. Very nice and quiet residential areas, not too posh and not tooshabby either. The high street is quite well planned unlike some places I went. People are friendly and the manager was even friendlier and talkative (I'm not complaining). And the most important thing is that the town is clean. I didn't see rubbish on the streets or the pedestrian walkway, which is a big A+.
I don't mind living here except it's quite far from M4 motorway which is an essential aspect in choosing a place to live, for me anyway.
The thing I like about the theatres is I usually get a free entertainment and a tour of the place, from the backstage to the seating areas to the bar and the store rooms. Like yesterday, I was at the Theatre Royal in Brighton and most of the time I was left alone to do my work in the foyer next to the entrance to the stage. A whole bunch of the casts went in and started practising their numbers and I got to listen to a free show.A
nother time, I was at a theatre near Strand with my former colleague when the sotong manager took us inside to see Christian Slater rehearsing his lines. We had to act normal and unaffected, but dalam hati Emm and I were so excited and giddy that we just had to let the whole world know about it. The manager even took us to wait at the backstage just in case we could say hi, but CS was busy concentrating on the stage. Unfortunately, we couldn't take pictures because it's a private rehearsal and no paparazzi is allowed. Heh.
Epilog Cinta Dari Bromley
Kau tersenyum manja
Menyatakan hasrat di hatimu
Kau kata kau cinta
Cinta pertama kepadaku
Ku hampir tergoda
Bergelora dalam kalbu
Kau bukan untuk ku
Kau dan aku
Tak mungkin berpadu
Nun di sana beribu batu
Kau kutinggalkan
Bersama hatimu
Nun di sana kau meratap pilu
Satu masa nanti
Kau akan mengerti
Apa maksudku
Kini kau menanti
Harapan mu abadi terhadapku
Kau coretkan lagi
Rahsia hatimu kepadaku
Ku doakan dikau
Bertemu seorang teman sejati
Yang satu aliran
Satu kepercayaan
Aduhai Katie
Sunday, 27 February 2005
Dry your eyes, mate.
A few days ago, I received messages from you saying that you've discovered a piece of information about the man you love. You are heartbroken and bruised. My friend, I am sorry I'm not there physically, to offer my shoulders while you are at the bottom. I know how painful it is, for I have gone through it too, though it's now more like a very distant memory.
To love and not be loved is a cruel and hurtful stage in our lovelife. I'm not going to tell you that your life is going to sail smoothly. There will be times when you feel you can't take whatever life is throwing at you and you just want to die. There will be times when you feel you just want to break down and cry. Let it out, my friend. You are entitled to a little self pity. While you're at it, just remember you are the only best thing that happen in your life.
You are worth a thousand more than him. Slowly, you will get back on your feet and you will be laughing again. Your pain will soon heal but the scar will be a reminder that you have learnt a lesson. Be as cynical as you want, but please... please do not give up on love. I haven't.
There is no doubt
He left you without a clue
I know you think (I know it)
You have no future - no future at all
I'll show you how (I'll show you)
How I'll make you not hurt at all
So if we try (if we try)
We'll walk through the moonlight
I'm here when you fall
Dry your eyes, he left you crying
Deep down inside I know you just feel like dying
Dry your eyes, I'm gonna be there for you
Waiting forever
Ever more
Now that he's gone (he's gone)
Can you find the strength to carry on
I'll show you love
Love and compassion - you'll open your heart
To love and not be loved is a cruel and hurtful stage in our lovelife. I'm not going to tell you that your life is going to sail smoothly. There will be times when you feel you can't take whatever life is throwing at you and you just want to die. There will be times when you feel you just want to break down and cry. Let it out, my friend. You are entitled to a little self pity. While you're at it, just remember you are the only best thing that happen in your life.
You are worth a thousand more than him. Slowly, you will get back on your feet and you will be laughing again. Your pain will soon heal but the scar will be a reminder that you have learnt a lesson. Be as cynical as you want, but please... please do not give up on love. I haven't.
There is no doubt
He left you without a clue
I know you think (I know it)
You have no future - no future at all
I'll show you how (I'll show you)
How I'll make you not hurt at all
So if we try (if we try)
We'll walk through the moonlight
I'm here when you fall
Dry your eyes, he left you crying
Deep down inside I know you just feel like dying
Dry your eyes, I'm gonna be there for you
Waiting forever
Ever more
Now that he's gone (he's gone)
Can you find the strength to carry on
I'll show you love
Love and compassion - you'll open your heart
Friday, 25 February 2005
Wise words
I picked these up from somewhere. I thought I share them with you readers. Pearls of wisdom for women and men alike.
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you have set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it.
2. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does and won't be shy to point that out.
3. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
4. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
5. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
6. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
7. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. If you look like your passport picture, then you probably need the holiday.
10. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Hope your life will never be the same again.
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you have set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it.
2. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does and won't be shy to point that out.
3. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
4. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
5. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
6. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
7. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. If you look like your passport picture, then you probably need the holiday.
10. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Hope your life will never be the same again.
Wednesday, 23 February 2005
Moments of ecstasy and pleasure
Meg entered the room and, with a knowing smile playing about her lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly towards her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotising her with his murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, Meg allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satify her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused and, for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, 'It's too big! It will never fit!'
Then with the sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...Oh yes.
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly towards her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotising her with his murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, Meg allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satify her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused and, for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, 'It's too big! It will never fit!'
Then with the sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...Oh yes.
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?
Sunday, 20 February 2005
Mystical moods
Of a woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradictions,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in satin, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
Of a man
One word. Horny.
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradictions,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in satin, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
Of a man
One word. Horny.
Thursday, 17 February 2005
aku terkencing dalam seluar
I was supposed to go outstation today but delay one day so hooray for blogging! Sebenarnya I was being so emo last night, al maklumlah kan. I still got darah muda you know, even dah tua tua cam ni. Me got worked up and pissed off at the anons because of strings of comments left all over the blogosphere. My take is they're not the sole reason for dz to quit. I guess dz has many other reasons that only she knows. You know lah like work, cats, hanturaya, bomoh, spa and skydiving.... and oh not to forget, she has to cuci taik Farhan with post-it notes. Hehehe... jangan marah ye dz.
Ok.. now that everything is calm I can laugh at myself. Did you read the last line? Come on. Bring it on.Hahaha...macam nak berperang pulak. Eh eh.. memang lah this blog about battles but that one line sounds like perang cheerleaders pulak. Heessh tak kuasa aku.
Masa balik tadi I drove passed the services on M4, dah lepas baru terasa nak terkencing. Celaka betul. Dah ler I mengantuk macam nak mampus sebab tak cukup tidur berdrama semalam. Dah puas dah slapped my face sampai merah pipi tapi tak jalan jugak. So to keep me awake, I rolled down the window. Temp was 3 degree kot.. sejuknyaaaa. Terbeliak bijik mata. Memang mujarab ubat tahan tidur yang ni.
Tapi kan pergi tambah pulak dengan my bladder problem yang dok nak terkeluar sesangat ni, satu kesilapan besar. Memang nak terburai masa tengah driving jugak. Let me tell you a secret. Never rolled down your window kalau nak terkencing. Pengsan. I saw the next services is 20 miles away. Nak berhenti kat tepi jalan, nak mampus? Karang kecut abis bila dok mencangkung. Kalau kat kg, org tua kata hantu ikut lekat kat situ tu. Hmm.. jadi lelaki kan senang.
Wuaaaa... teruknya saya terkemut-kemut menahan. Sepanjang jalan saya berdansa sorang sorang. My hip sekejap lean depan sekejap sandar kat seat. Kejap pakai seat belt kejap bukak. Mana taknya, belt dok tekan perut bila saya menari. Aiyoo
Sampai je kat service station, ingat nak terus lari pi toilet tapi tak boleh. Lesson no 2, jangan bergerak walau seinci pun bila kereta berhenti. Relax dulu, tarik nafas in and out. Kalau tak, basah seluar sebab dia dah dok tunggu depan pintu. Bila rasa dia toleh ke dalam semula, barulah get out from the car ok.
Time ni, muka dah merah and panas. Imagine bila I duduk je atas bowl tu, hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lega.
terkencing dalam seluar? eh mana ada.
Ok.. now that everything is calm I can laugh at myself. Did you read the last line? Come on. Bring it on.Hahaha...macam nak berperang pulak. Eh eh.. memang lah this blog about battles but that one line sounds like perang cheerleaders pulak. Heessh tak kuasa aku.
Masa balik tadi I drove passed the services on M4, dah lepas baru terasa nak terkencing. Celaka betul. Dah ler I mengantuk macam nak mampus sebab tak cukup tidur berdrama semalam. Dah puas dah slapped my face sampai merah pipi tapi tak jalan jugak. So to keep me awake, I rolled down the window. Temp was 3 degree kot.. sejuknyaaaa. Terbeliak bijik mata. Memang mujarab ubat tahan tidur yang ni.
Tapi kan pergi tambah pulak dengan my bladder problem yang dok nak terkeluar sesangat ni, satu kesilapan besar. Memang nak terburai masa tengah driving jugak. Let me tell you a secret. Never rolled down your window kalau nak terkencing. Pengsan. I saw the next services is 20 miles away. Nak berhenti kat tepi jalan, nak mampus? Karang kecut abis bila dok mencangkung. Kalau kat kg, org tua kata hantu ikut lekat kat situ tu. Hmm.. jadi lelaki kan senang.
Wuaaaa... teruknya saya terkemut-kemut menahan. Sepanjang jalan saya berdansa sorang sorang. My hip sekejap lean depan sekejap sandar kat seat. Kejap pakai seat belt kejap bukak. Mana taknya, belt dok tekan perut bila saya menari. Aiyoo
Sampai je kat service station, ingat nak terus lari pi toilet tapi tak boleh. Lesson no 2, jangan bergerak walau seinci pun bila kereta berhenti. Relax dulu, tarik nafas in and out. Kalau tak, basah seluar sebab dia dah dok tunggu depan pintu. Bila rasa dia toleh ke dalam semula, barulah get out from the car ok.
Time ni, muka dah merah and panas. Imagine bila I duduk je atas bowl tu, hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lega.
terkencing dalam seluar? eh mana ada.
Wednesday, 16 February 2005
It's a sad ending but necessary
Yes, it is already late and I haven't gone to bed yet. From anxiety to confusion, to being sad and now I'm mad.
I'm so pissed off and I got so much energy to burn. If anyone was in front of me now, memang dah kena kickboxing dah. Whoever you are, you are such a fucking bastard! Dare comment but a fucking coward that you are, you hide by being anonymous.
I shouldn't be emotional and this is not about me, but when it involves my friends, damn right I will defend them! I'm fiercely loyal and when idiots like you cross the line, enough is enough.
Why are you so envious of people who are trying to pick up the pieces of their life? Do they hurt you? Do they kacau you? Or do they even ask for your money? What have they done that affect you badly? Come out and say it.
At least those who blog and bare their souls on the net, they are honest. We are not perfect, just human full with flaws and yes, we are lost but we are seeking to find the path back to the main road. The least you could do is offer support or if you can't do anything else, just shut the fuck up!
This stupid attitude shows exactly what kind of characters you have. You can say whatever you want to me, I'm ready but be truthful and show that you are not a coward.
The blog that inspired me to write is shutting down within 24 hours. It's heartbreaking to know what the writer has gone through and is still going through, I can only imagine. When you read the writing, you think you know them but the fact is you don't. Writers are public figures but they don't owe it to you or anybody else. They only let you on bits and pieces of their life, but that doesn't mean you know them personally.
Blogging can bring happiness and make you feel relieved but at some point it has been a difficult journey for some. In reality, friends can become enemies and strangers you don't know maybe the gems. This is the path to self discovery. And what a discovery it is for the writer. You shall be missed.
Come one. Bring it on.
I'm so pissed off and I got so much energy to burn. If anyone was in front of me now, memang dah kena kickboxing dah. Whoever you are, you are such a fucking bastard! Dare comment but a fucking coward that you are, you hide by being anonymous.
I shouldn't be emotional and this is not about me, but when it involves my friends, damn right I will defend them! I'm fiercely loyal and when idiots like you cross the line, enough is enough.
Why are you so envious of people who are trying to pick up the pieces of their life? Do they hurt you? Do they kacau you? Or do they even ask for your money? What have they done that affect you badly? Come out and say it.
At least those who blog and bare their souls on the net, they are honest. We are not perfect, just human full with flaws and yes, we are lost but we are seeking to find the path back to the main road. The least you could do is offer support or if you can't do anything else, just shut the fuck up!
This stupid attitude shows exactly what kind of characters you have. You can say whatever you want to me, I'm ready but be truthful and show that you are not a coward.
The blog that inspired me to write is shutting down within 24 hours. It's heartbreaking to know what the writer has gone through and is still going through, I can only imagine. When you read the writing, you think you know them but the fact is you don't. Writers are public figures but they don't owe it to you or anybody else. They only let you on bits and pieces of their life, but that doesn't mean you know them personally.
Blogging can bring happiness and make you feel relieved but at some point it has been a difficult journey for some. In reality, friends can become enemies and strangers you don't know maybe the gems. This is the path to self discovery. And what a discovery it is for the writer. You shall be missed.
Come one. Bring it on.
Thursday, 3 February 2005
A Letter to the Grave
Dear Father,
I don’t know how to begin. The last time I saw you in 1999, you were taken to a mosque and my final chance to say what’s inside of me went out the window. I thought gone were the days of uneasiness and doubtful feelings of an insecure daughter. How wrong I was. Last night after almost 15 years of denial, I broke down.
You were there for us, but you were never there. You were the pillar of the family and the backbone providing us with whatever we asked of you. But Father, did you ever love us? As a person. As your children.
All these years I carried with me a sad thought that you never ever held us in your arms just like a normal loving father should. How could you not do that? How could you never have the desire to at least lift us up and cuddle us? It hurts and I grieved for the missing caresses. It affected me in a way I never wanted to acknowledge it until now. It has shaped me to become a woman I am today. Indifference.
Maybe in your own way, you loved us. You just didn’t know how to show it. The truth is, I don’t know whether I could say I love you. I know I never uttered the words. How could I when you hardly pat my back for my achievements or hug me when I fell off my bike? When I failed my studies, all I wanted was a hug and soothing words telling me everything was ok but to get up and face life again. And when I was getting better, encouraging words would have help too. Did I ever received them? Never. You frowned or smiled, but never showed your true feelings. I know you were proud of me but not once you ever said it to me. Sometimes I needed to hear the words to make me feel better because I definitely can't read your mind.
Showing your emotions doesn’t make you less of a man, Father. You didn’t have to be serious and strong all the time but it seemed to me you never allowed the closeness and tenderness in our life. It looked like you never displayed any interest or paid attention to my emotional needs. And oh how I craved for a little bit of touch from you, but in the end I grew tired of waiting.
I might be able to understand you if, for once, you faltered over in your life because as we grow older, we became wiser too but I never understand you. Was it because you're given away as a child that made you distant? The fact that your parents didn't want you didn't mean that you could treat us the same way you were treated. We needed you. We needed your warmth and love.
I fear you as a father but to respect you, I doubt it. It didn’t take you long before you married again. 5 months, Father. 5 fucking months! She wasn’t even cold yet in her grave when you remarried. And you dare said we were not being fair. Weren’t we entitled to be angry and felt betrayed by you? I resented her but I tolerated her presence and I was cilivised because I didn't know where to vent my anger.
Is it any wonder why I hated going home, even for Raya? I’d rather spend my time with my friends’ families who adopted me into their lives. I see them as a strong family institution and my friends are my family I never felt I had. With them I shared my miseries and my happiness.
Is it any wonder why I have little trust in men in general? They have to earn my trust and show that they are capable of loving or else I would be blinded to see them as you. Believe me, I am a romantic fool. It’s either all or nothing. I don't want my children to feel like what I have suffered emotionally. It seemed like your sons and your other daughter managed to build their lives just fine. All your grandchildren are wonderful and they know how to show their emotions. I love hugging them to show that I love them dearly.
I wish things were different and I wish we were one big happy family, but this is me. I bleed and I was bitter. I’m sorry I didn’t cry at your funeral. Should I?
I don’t know how to begin. The last time I saw you in 1999, you were taken to a mosque and my final chance to say what’s inside of me went out the window. I thought gone were the days of uneasiness and doubtful feelings of an insecure daughter. How wrong I was. Last night after almost 15 years of denial, I broke down.
You were there for us, but you were never there. You were the pillar of the family and the backbone providing us with whatever we asked of you. But Father, did you ever love us? As a person. As your children.
All these years I carried with me a sad thought that you never ever held us in your arms just like a normal loving father should. How could you not do that? How could you never have the desire to at least lift us up and cuddle us? It hurts and I grieved for the missing caresses. It affected me in a way I never wanted to acknowledge it until now. It has shaped me to become a woman I am today. Indifference.
Maybe in your own way, you loved us. You just didn’t know how to show it. The truth is, I don’t know whether I could say I love you. I know I never uttered the words. How could I when you hardly pat my back for my achievements or hug me when I fell off my bike? When I failed my studies, all I wanted was a hug and soothing words telling me everything was ok but to get up and face life again. And when I was getting better, encouraging words would have help too. Did I ever received them? Never. You frowned or smiled, but never showed your true feelings. I know you were proud of me but not once you ever said it to me. Sometimes I needed to hear the words to make me feel better because I definitely can't read your mind.
Showing your emotions doesn’t make you less of a man, Father. You didn’t have to be serious and strong all the time but it seemed to me you never allowed the closeness and tenderness in our life. It looked like you never displayed any interest or paid attention to my emotional needs. And oh how I craved for a little bit of touch from you, but in the end I grew tired of waiting.
I might be able to understand you if, for once, you faltered over in your life because as we grow older, we became wiser too but I never understand you. Was it because you're given away as a child that made you distant? The fact that your parents didn't want you didn't mean that you could treat us the same way you were treated. We needed you. We needed your warmth and love.
I fear you as a father but to respect you, I doubt it. It didn’t take you long before you married again. 5 months, Father. 5 fucking months! She wasn’t even cold yet in her grave when you remarried. And you dare said we were not being fair. Weren’t we entitled to be angry and felt betrayed by you? I resented her but I tolerated her presence and I was cilivised because I didn't know where to vent my anger.
Is it any wonder why I hated going home, even for Raya? I’d rather spend my time with my friends’ families who adopted me into their lives. I see them as a strong family institution and my friends are my family I never felt I had. With them I shared my miseries and my happiness.
Is it any wonder why I have little trust in men in general? They have to earn my trust and show that they are capable of loving or else I would be blinded to see them as you. Believe me, I am a romantic fool. It’s either all or nothing. I don't want my children to feel like what I have suffered emotionally. It seemed like your sons and your other daughter managed to build their lives just fine. All your grandchildren are wonderful and they know how to show their emotions. I love hugging them to show that I love them dearly.
I wish things were different and I wish we were one big happy family, but this is me. I bleed and I was bitter. I’m sorry I didn’t cry at your funeral. Should I?
Wednesday, 2 February 2005
62.78% Sexually Corrupted
My brain is a sly creature and a jumble of broken sentences. Sometimes, I barely finish saying or making up sentences when I would be rudely interrupted thus making my brain clutters. And sometimes my loud mouth is faster than my head so I ended up saying all the wrong things to the wrong people at the wrong time, which happen to be most of the time. Please, pardon my ignorance.
But when it comes to sex (education or not), I’m all wicked and as good as new. You betcha! The kinkiness of it just brings out the woman in me. You know, some people (if you are men, please exclude yourselves) lived all their life and never went into an adult store. Several of them would like to step foot in it but too scared or ashamed to succumb to their curiosity. A few would carelessly walk in and came out intact, yet there’s only a handful that signed up as a member and kept going back for more. It’s a perfectly natural instinct, but please, there’s no prize for guessing which group I fall into.
The first adult theatre I went to was Olde Un Theatre in Columbia, quite a huge one but since it was the only one of its kind in town, the need for it was understandable. I bumped into it by accident. Just arrived from the homeland, I acquired a bicycle in the middle of a full-blown snowy cyclone season. And one fine day, cold from the breeze and breathless from cycling up the hill, I glanced across the road and saw the sign.
After a few minutes of arguing with myself, I decided I should go in. There were two entrances; one facing the main road and the other was at the side. Parked my bike and put on a very tebal face, I just walked in through the side door. You'd think I was crazy enough to walk in the front door? No way Jose! I was a naive 21 for goodness sake! and didn't I say somewhere that I am shy? And if I tell you what I was wearing on my head at that time, you'd be so freaking surprised!
I was greeted by the sight of so many shelves of videos, magazines, and gifts and another entrance to theater room (they just added 3 more recently). I was stunned for a few minutes and as I walked in, the patrons were stunned too and looked at me as if I just fell from heaven (or hell). I was feeling awkward and sheepish but soon after I got caught up with some sort of twisted excitement in browsing all the stuffs. I can’t believe all the err.. educational and colorful pictures on the cover of the tapes. As I remember, the videos were separated into soft and hardcore yet I found it hard to differentiate. They all looked the same to me.
Another section (this I like) is the sexy silk lingeries, handcuffs, whips and other goodies for bedroom games. I spent over an hour looking through all that while at the same time entertaining wild thoughts. Before I left the place, I put on another brave face and approached the man behind the counter.
Excuse me. How to be a member? (To rent, one has to be a member)
Bring an ID.
An ID? Er.. passport ok?
Sure.
I cycled back with a mixed feeling. Don’t know whether it was due to shock, delight or disbelief. But I never felt the shame.Oh! That place closes at 3 am. So when I couldn’t sleep, I’d …. ahh well, you don’t need to know that.
Btw, I think that store at Mid Valley doesn't even come close to the real ones. Five minutes in there and I wanted out. If they want to have one, why not make an extensive adult store. After all, we are all wicked and bizarre enough, only malu malu kucing in public.
Oh please! Don't blame my two cents for the keruntuhan akhlak of the youngsters. They have been doing a fine job of that on their own.
But when it comes to sex (education or not), I’m all wicked and as good as new. You betcha! The kinkiness of it just brings out the woman in me. You know, some people (if you are men, please exclude yourselves) lived all their life and never went into an adult store. Several of them would like to step foot in it but too scared or ashamed to succumb to their curiosity. A few would carelessly walk in and came out intact, yet there’s only a handful that signed up as a member and kept going back for more. It’s a perfectly natural instinct, but please, there’s no prize for guessing which group I fall into.
The first adult theatre I went to was Olde Un Theatre in Columbia, quite a huge one but since it was the only one of its kind in town, the need for it was understandable. I bumped into it by accident. Just arrived from the homeland, I acquired a bicycle in the middle of a full-blown snowy cyclone season. And one fine day, cold from the breeze and breathless from cycling up the hill, I glanced across the road and saw the sign.
After a few minutes of arguing with myself, I decided I should go in. There were two entrances; one facing the main road and the other was at the side. Parked my bike and put on a very tebal face, I just walked in through the side door. You'd think I was crazy enough to walk in the front door? No way Jose! I was a naive 21 for goodness sake! and didn't I say somewhere that I am shy? And if I tell you what I was wearing on my head at that time, you'd be so freaking surprised!
I was greeted by the sight of so many shelves of videos, magazines, and gifts and another entrance to theater room (they just added 3 more recently). I was stunned for a few minutes and as I walked in, the patrons were stunned too and looked at me as if I just fell from heaven (or hell). I was feeling awkward and sheepish but soon after I got caught up with some sort of twisted excitement in browsing all the stuffs. I can’t believe all the err.. educational and colorful pictures on the cover of the tapes. As I remember, the videos were separated into soft and hardcore yet I found it hard to differentiate. They all looked the same to me.
Another section (this I like) is the sexy silk lingeries, handcuffs, whips and other goodies for bedroom games. I spent over an hour looking through all that while at the same time entertaining wild thoughts. Before I left the place, I put on another brave face and approached the man behind the counter.
Excuse me. How to be a member? (To rent, one has to be a member)
Bring an ID.
An ID? Er.. passport ok?
Sure.
I cycled back with a mixed feeling. Don’t know whether it was due to shock, delight or disbelief. But I never felt the shame.Oh! That place closes at 3 am. So when I couldn’t sleep, I’d …. ahh well, you don’t need to know that.
Btw, I think that store at Mid Valley doesn't even come close to the real ones. Five minutes in there and I wanted out. If they want to have one, why not make an extensive adult store. After all, we are all wicked and bizarre enough, only malu malu kucing in public.
Oh please! Don't blame my two cents for the keruntuhan akhlak of the youngsters. They have been doing a fine job of that on their own.
Wednesday, 19 January 2005
9:30 p.m.
Just got back home from the freaking office after more than two hours of driving. Hah! That’s the price to pay when an idiot chose to work for a company far from home, not even in the same town. In fact, in another country for goodness sake. *Sigh*
They kept me waiting again. That’s the game they have been playing with me ever since I know them. This time I waited for two days. Monday was supposed to be the day. Then at midday, they said I would get whatever I’m supposed to get later this afternoon. And later this afternoon, they shrugged and said tomorrow morning. I can’t stand it anymore, you....you worms!
The Boss thinks since we slave for him, he can snap his fingers any time he wants. Doesn’t he know I have planned my time accordingly so I can have fewer headaches? People like him will always use people like me. We, softhearted hobbits, can’t seem to say no to people. And the King Kong will always take advantage and step on our heads till we’re buried six feet under.
I have a big problem saying ‘no’ to anybody. Bigger than the tempayan at my grandmother's house. And when I found the courage to do it, I will feel guilty later on. Idiot!
The Mentor keeps telling me to tell them ‘bugger off’. Of course, she didn’t exactly say that exact words but that’s what she meant. Sometimes I wonder how on earth I managed to come knocking at her door. She is soo classy. She doesn’t speak English jalanan that I am used to and I always picture her in the House of Lords. I guess that's life, huh? Connecting people when we least expect it, or was it Nokia? mmm.. whatever!
Yet, I feel at ease with her for she is an understanding superior. Our communication never breaks down unlike Vodafone, which sometimes has no network service. As I recall I rang her six times throughout the day to keep her informed of the waiting game and to grumble over silly thing The Boss asked me to do.
What do I know about electricity other than it can magically allow me to switch on the heater so I can be warm or get the computer working so I can blog? Other than that, Zilch. But The Boss has gone crazy and asked me to go visit a customer and test his equipment (ehem!). Maybe I should give it a try. If I do it right, I’ll get lucky. If not, I’ll get electrocuted.
After sudah rentung, apparently I must be prepared for a classic Hiroshima nightmare as well. Just as I was leaving The Mentor’s place, she dropped a bombshell. By the end of the year, she will gradually cease to direct our team, which at the moment being her and me.I draw a long sigh. Penat.
Just got back home from the freaking office after more than two hours of driving. Hah! That’s the price to pay when an idiot chose to work for a company far from home, not even in the same town. In fact, in another country for goodness sake. *Sigh*
They kept me waiting again. That’s the game they have been playing with me ever since I know them. This time I waited for two days. Monday was supposed to be the day. Then at midday, they said I would get whatever I’m supposed to get later this afternoon. And later this afternoon, they shrugged and said tomorrow morning. I can’t stand it anymore, you....you worms!
The Boss thinks since we slave for him, he can snap his fingers any time he wants. Doesn’t he know I have planned my time accordingly so I can have fewer headaches? People like him will always use people like me. We, softhearted hobbits, can’t seem to say no to people. And the King Kong will always take advantage and step on our heads till we’re buried six feet under.
I have a big problem saying ‘no’ to anybody. Bigger than the tempayan at my grandmother's house. And when I found the courage to do it, I will feel guilty later on. Idiot!
The Mentor keeps telling me to tell them ‘bugger off’. Of course, she didn’t exactly say that exact words but that’s what she meant. Sometimes I wonder how on earth I managed to come knocking at her door. She is soo classy. She doesn’t speak English jalanan that I am used to and I always picture her in the House of Lords. I guess that's life, huh? Connecting people when we least expect it, or was it Nokia? mmm.. whatever!
Yet, I feel at ease with her for she is an understanding superior. Our communication never breaks down unlike Vodafone, which sometimes has no network service. As I recall I rang her six times throughout the day to keep her informed of the waiting game and to grumble over silly thing The Boss asked me to do.
What do I know about electricity other than it can magically allow me to switch on the heater so I can be warm or get the computer working so I can blog? Other than that, Zilch. But The Boss has gone crazy and asked me to go visit a customer and test his equipment (ehem!). Maybe I should give it a try. If I do it right, I’ll get lucky. If not, I’ll get electrocuted.
After sudah rentung, apparently I must be prepared for a classic Hiroshima nightmare as well. Just as I was leaving The Mentor’s place, she dropped a bombshell. By the end of the year, she will gradually cease to direct our team, which at the moment being her and me.I draw a long sigh. Penat.
Tuesday, 11 January 2005
sexual orientation: yours and mine.
Are you confused about your sexual orientation? If so, you are not alone. I do too. Heck! I'm confused about almost everything.
Most people, who define themselves as heterosexual, at some point in their life, have sexual thoughts towards someone of the same sex. Plus many people who try out sexual behaviors with someone of the same sex will like it, while others are more sexually attracted to someone of the opposite sex.
Simply experimenting with someone of the same sex does not make you gay. Plenty of people who call themselves heterosexual, have engaged in same gendered sexual acts, and plenty of people who call themselves homosexual have never been romantically involved with someone of the same sex.
Thus, you can define your sexual orientation any way you like. All of these categories: gay, lesbian, homosexual, bi-sexual, transgendered, transsexual, pansexual are culturally prescribed labels. Feel free to define your own sexual orientation based on behaviors, or on feelings. What is important, is that you choose to live your life, in the way that feels most comfortable to you.
If you are having confusion about your sexual orientation, ask yourself, the following questions.
1. Have you ever been attracted to someone of the same sex?
2. On multiple occasions, have you found yourself attracted to someone of the same sex?
3. Have you ever fantasized about being with someone of the same sex?
4. Have you ever been sexually aroused while watching a movie where two people of the same gender have been sexual?
5. Have you ever participated in a threesome?
6. Have you ever been with someone of the same sex?
7. Are you more at ease with people of the same gender?
Then ask yourself, how you feel about your answers?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then on a scale of 1-100 (one being completely heterosexual, and 100 being completely homosexual) your sexual orientation is somewhere in between. Since there are no hard and fast rules about each label, you may choose one that makes sense to you. Do not ever let people make you feel shitty whatever your sexual orientation is.
For laugh, I took a test to see what my sexual orientation is. I turned out to be pansexual. Go figure!
You are pansexual."Whether you know it or not, you are pansexual. You can find yourself loving a male or female, but you're different from a bisexual. You may also love transgendered, androgynous, and other gender fluid people...people who do not feel they fit into the categories of male or female. When you love, your love is pure."
DEFINITION: Pansexual
One who exhibits or suggests a sexuality that has many different forms, objects, and outlets.
One who exhibits many forms of sexual expression.
My oh my!
Most people, who define themselves as heterosexual, at some point in their life, have sexual thoughts towards someone of the same sex. Plus many people who try out sexual behaviors with someone of the same sex will like it, while others are more sexually attracted to someone of the opposite sex.
Simply experimenting with someone of the same sex does not make you gay. Plenty of people who call themselves heterosexual, have engaged in same gendered sexual acts, and plenty of people who call themselves homosexual have never been romantically involved with someone of the same sex.
Thus, you can define your sexual orientation any way you like. All of these categories: gay, lesbian, homosexual, bi-sexual, transgendered, transsexual, pansexual are culturally prescribed labels. Feel free to define your own sexual orientation based on behaviors, or on feelings. What is important, is that you choose to live your life, in the way that feels most comfortable to you.
If you are having confusion about your sexual orientation, ask yourself, the following questions.
1. Have you ever been attracted to someone of the same sex?
2. On multiple occasions, have you found yourself attracted to someone of the same sex?
3. Have you ever fantasized about being with someone of the same sex?
4. Have you ever been sexually aroused while watching a movie where two people of the same gender have been sexual?
5. Have you ever participated in a threesome?
6. Have you ever been with someone of the same sex?
7. Are you more at ease with people of the same gender?
Then ask yourself, how you feel about your answers?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then on a scale of 1-100 (one being completely heterosexual, and 100 being completely homosexual) your sexual orientation is somewhere in between. Since there are no hard and fast rules about each label, you may choose one that makes sense to you. Do not ever let people make you feel shitty whatever your sexual orientation is.
For laugh, I took a test to see what my sexual orientation is. I turned out to be pansexual. Go figure!
You are pansexual."Whether you know it or not, you are pansexual. You can find yourself loving a male or female, but you're different from a bisexual. You may also love transgendered, androgynous, and other gender fluid people...people who do not feel they fit into the categories of male or female. When you love, your love is pure."
DEFINITION: Pansexual
One who exhibits or suggests a sexuality that has many different forms, objects, and outlets.
One who exhibits many forms of sexual expression.
My oh my!
Wednesday, 5 January 2005
Don't run, just take a stroll
Dearly beloved, are you listening? I can’t remember a word that you were saying. Are we demented or am I disturbed? The space that’s in between insane and insecure. Oh therapy, can you please fill the void? Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed? Nobody’s perfect and I stand accused for lack of a better word and that’s my best excuse.
---
How much more can you take before you run away? How much can we hate before we turn cynical? How much can we love before we become vulnerable?
Things that were thrown at me repeatedly. Words that I hear constantly. The same story rips my ears. Shut up! Stop hurting yourself. Just move on. So many things waiting for you. For once, forget your sorrows and take a chance. It will take you places.
Memories are just for you to grow old with. Be a cynic. Be a romantic. Be clueless. Be foolish. Be furious. I don’t care. Just be who you are. I'll give some space but I’m still beside you.
How far can you run?
---
How much more can you take before you run away? How much can we hate before we turn cynical? How much can we love before we become vulnerable?
Things that were thrown at me repeatedly. Words that I hear constantly. The same story rips my ears. Shut up! Stop hurting yourself. Just move on. So many things waiting for you. For once, forget your sorrows and take a chance. It will take you places.
Memories are just for you to grow old with. Be a cynic. Be a romantic. Be clueless. Be foolish. Be furious. I don’t care. Just be who you are. I'll give some space but I’m still beside you.
How far can you run?
Monday, 3 January 2005
Damn Pos Malaysia!
Pos Malaysia can go to hell! I am bloody furious with them. KURVA! (Polish word for fucking bitch) Almost a month ago, I sent home two packages and was told that they should get there in a week. I understand that with the holiday seasons, it might be later than usual so I waited patiently.
I have been tracking the packages through Royal Mail and PM websites. One package is now found to be at the local post office awaiting despatch but the other has gone missing. I am still praying for miracle but somehow deep down I know the unethical staff must have claimed it as his.
When a registered mail can go missing, I have no trust in their credibility anymore. It’s not like I’m sending a bomb or virus or anything damaging to the whole country. I have sent my complaint to them, in fact I even wrote to the CEO though I do not know whether I got his email address correct. I doubt that they will reply.
Yes, I can claim reimbursement but I am still entitled to be angry. I just don’t understand their mentality. Those were not intended for them, so don’t fucking open people’s mails. It’s violation of human right, stupid asshole!
I have been tracking the packages through Royal Mail and PM websites. One package is now found to be at the local post office awaiting despatch but the other has gone missing. I am still praying for miracle but somehow deep down I know the unethical staff must have claimed it as his.
When a registered mail can go missing, I have no trust in their credibility anymore. It’s not like I’m sending a bomb or virus or anything damaging to the whole country. I have sent my complaint to them, in fact I even wrote to the CEO though I do not know whether I got his email address correct. I doubt that they will reply.
Yes, I can claim reimbursement but I am still entitled to be angry. I just don’t understand their mentality. Those were not intended for them, so don’t fucking open people’s mails. It’s violation of human right, stupid asshole!
Saturday, 1 January 2005
My First Few Thoughts in 2005
I just came back from a night out and too tired to write long entry. Will tell my new year tales later but for now, this is what I have to say.
Bloody hell! I’m one year older. I love everything about my life but why can’t I just stay 30? It’s not that I’m ashamed of my age but it just feels right.
Gosh! I don’t even have resolutions. I stop making them years ago when I realized that they never materialized anyway. Plus, I forgot about them every time February comes. So, what is the point of thinking and creating one, then agonizing about it not coming true?
People have been telling me that 2005 will be a GoodYear. And a couple of friends were kind enough to wake me up at 4 am to wish me that. Guys, I do take it as a good sign, okay. Though 2004 passed with a lot of sadness and confusion but it’s a lesson learned. One thing I know is determination will get me everywhere I want to be. It may take me months or even years but I will get there somehow.
‘Keep my feet on the ground’ is what I will be doing this year. Some people may always take my kindness and generosity for granted but I guess I can never change that kind of people or myself. As long as I keep my feet on the ground, I’m content.
To all fellow bloggers, I am honoured to get to know you and your thoughts. Though sometimes I feel very small compared to some of you (my bad writings etc), I tell myself I am still learning. I am just an ordinary person trying to embrace life and embrace I shall. Let us all pray that the New Year will bring lots of joy and happiness in everything we do.
Amin.
Bloody hell! I’m one year older. I love everything about my life but why can’t I just stay 30? It’s not that I’m ashamed of my age but it just feels right.
Gosh! I don’t even have resolutions. I stop making them years ago when I realized that they never materialized anyway. Plus, I forgot about them every time February comes. So, what is the point of thinking and creating one, then agonizing about it not coming true?
People have been telling me that 2005 will be a GoodYear. And a couple of friends were kind enough to wake me up at 4 am to wish me that. Guys, I do take it as a good sign, okay. Though 2004 passed with a lot of sadness and confusion but it’s a lesson learned. One thing I know is determination will get me everywhere I want to be. It may take me months or even years but I will get there somehow.
‘Keep my feet on the ground’ is what I will be doing this year. Some people may always take my kindness and generosity for granted but I guess I can never change that kind of people or myself. As long as I keep my feet on the ground, I’m content.
To all fellow bloggers, I am honoured to get to know you and your thoughts. Though sometimes I feel very small compared to some of you (my bad writings etc), I tell myself I am still learning. I am just an ordinary person trying to embrace life and embrace I shall. Let us all pray that the New Year will bring lots of joy and happiness in everything we do.
Amin.
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