not for the underage

Words on the street: Textual Intercourse

You know what can work wonders for burgeoning realtionships? Of course, a well-formed, sexy text message now known as textual intercourse.

It's the bawdy banter that buzzes from your mobile to his or hers and back again after the first date. I'm sure you're creative enough to write saucy messages, which can go from 'had a gr8 nite wen can i c u agn?' to 'hv to mk passionate luv 2 u nw.'

A good text sex can bring you as close to orgasm as the real thing, although it does help if you have your phone on vibrate ;) Think of it as sex without the awkwardness or troublesome logistics of actual bodies.

You might be wondering what to write and what should be omitted in textual intercourse. I'd say anything goes, and you'll find yourself texting much dirtier words than you dare talking when you meet face to face.

For an added thrill, if I may suggest as most of mobile users are on pay-as-you-go or prepaid, make it to the climatic final message before your credit runs out. See whether it is as orgasmic as you think.

Two things you need to remember in textual intercourse. First, be sure to remove your mum's or dad's mobile number from speed dial. Fingers can slip in the heat of the moment. Second, take your phone off predictive text, or your randy recipient will wonder why you want to kick her puppy.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

childhood mischief

Do you remember our childhood times when we ruled the neighborhood? You taught me how to main laga ayam, though you were always on the other side of the ring.You took me with you looking for some ikan laga. After we found them, you'd find two empty balang Nescafe, put water and each ikan in a different balang and let them fight.

Do you remember our fun moments in the bendang? When it was time for air pasang, we would prepare our fishing rods. You made them from bamboo and always have extra kail for me just in case I lost mine. Under the heated sun, we just ignored mak's advice and went fishing in the sawah. I loved it when we caught ikan sepat, puyu, keli and haruan. Do you know that I loved puyu goreng?

Before the menuai padi time, you would take me along to catch belalang kuning. To grill and eat them, you said. I can't remember how it tasted like but I remember munching them. They were very crunchy.

Almost every evening, you and mother would teach me how to make and blow the seruling made from batang pokok padi. And after the padi has been harvested, we would play wau in the field. You taught me how to make kites from bamboo and papers. Everyone would be jealous of me for flying the highest wau because you put extra long string to mine.

Do you remember the time when mother used to tell father to take pictures of us together? We would sit next to each other, with a clip in my hair and you and me donning a similar Donnie and Marie t-shirts. Me in white and you in blue. There was a time when we were dressed up wearing a kimono because pakcik just came back from Japan. I felt like I was a real Japanese, only with big eyes.

Do you remember how you made me a senapang from wood when you and friends were playing tembak-tembak? I didn't want to be left out so you carved me one and went looking for batang pokok bemban to use as bullets.

What about that time when our house and the rest of the state had the worst flood? First you went looking for pokok pisang to make a rakit, but the two of us were too heavy for the small rakit. Then, you found tongs and tied them to a piece of wood to make a floating bridge. We look so cool on it because no one else had one like that. We went fishing, I think.

The bendang looked just like a sea and I fell into the water. Remember how I screamed and woke the neighbors when I saw 3 ekor lintah on my thighs? You came rushing to my rescue and squashed them dead while laughing at me.

When we came back from school, you would carry me on basikal mini to go to the madrasah for our mengaji time. You used to tease that you would let me to walk home, but you never did.You always have a soft spot for ayams and duckies. I came back from school to find that my little duckie had died, but you provided comfort in making sure that it had a proper burial place.

During raya, you were the culprit to buy all sorts of mercun. You and I would sit for hours in your room fixing things up and making them more exciting. Remember the time when a mercun katak jumped into bapak's kain pelekat and he had to londeh his kain? It was funny, innit? I loved the fact that our house was so bright and cheerful because you made the effort to prepare the pelita and more.

Hey, what about the time musim buah pelam? We had so many different pokok pelam all around the house. We had pelam epal, pelam isi putih, kuinin and a few others that I do not remember their names anymore. Mak and I used to hold a kain batik so that when you kait the buah, all of them would fall into the kain. My favorite was buah kuinin.

Do you remember I like to eat daun pokok jambu bola? Nobody ever heard or saw striped jambu bola before but I remember quite well that the young leaves were very tasty just like the jambu. I wonder if the species of jambu is no longer known to humankind. Now that I am older, I wish we didn't cut down all the trees around our house. It's a shame.

Although, we were quite close, I admit that I used to envy you. It was obvious that mak always preferred you. I was jealous that I stooped so slow and threw a brick at your head. You had seven stiches and I got caned. You were always in the good book with mak and you could never do wrong in her eyes. I didn't understand it until later.

Back then, we always did things together. Maybe because we are the only two left at home, and we didn't have a lot of friends. Do you know how much I miss that time? Ateh, do you know how much I want to tell you that you are a great abang? I wanna cry thinking of those things that the younger ones would never experience. At least, I had great childhood memories and someone to share with.

This is my story III

It was almost a month since Mak was bedridden when she first had the stroke. Ateh and I were constantly at home. I was on a summer break, and Ateh worked at a nearby factory.I don’t remember much about Bapak as I had pushed the memories to the back of my mind. All I could picture was Mak lying on the bed in the living room. At 21, what did I know other than trying to get as many Bs so that I can be on that plane?

I was not a bright student neither was I a good daughter. I wanted to get away from home for so long. I had tried to leave home since I was 15. Oh how I had tried, but Mak didn’t let me go to a boarding school. It wasn’t that I don’t love them, but for once, I wanted to be away for a reason I couldn't explain. I didn't have one. I just wanted to leave.

However, with this incident, my life had turned upside down. I was glad I stayed home cos I knew my way around the house. The only thing that concerns me was what would happen when I go back to school.

Would there be somebody to take care of Mak? Would there be somebody to cook porridge and feed her? Would there be someone who would sit next to her and listen to her? Would there be someone who would bathe her with care and love?

Ateh was there but he was a man. I’m not saying that a man couldn’t do all these but a man’s heart, mind and touch are just different. During this time, I don’t know who handled it better, me or Ateh. He never talked about it and neither do I. I think that even if I had Aci, I would not be able to talk either.I didn’t think it was a burden. Mak would never become a burden to me. It was my responsibility and if I had to do it alone, so be it. I’d do it all over again and more, if I could.

I was counting the days I had to return to school. But I was also dreading the day I had to leave her at home with Ateh and Bapak. As the day moved ahead, so was she. Mak was getting better and stronger each day. I had her on therapy most of the time and she was like a little girl learning to walk.I wanted to be with her for every step of the way.

It was a miracle. From being paralysed and not able to speak a word, she had progressed so well in 6 weeks. Aci bought Mak a walking stick so she could lean on it whenever she felt tired. Mak was a fighter, she would survive this.

She was a tiger and a survivor.

She could barely walk a few weeks earlier. Somehow, she got well and a lot stronger when I left. At the back of my mind, I was worried sick for Mak. Sometimes, I wished I can go home during weekends, but with little allowance I got, I couldn't afford to go back and forth.

I phoned home almost every other night, asking Ateh about her progress. Was I glad when I could talk to Mak. Her speech wasn't clear but at least I could understand her and that gave me comfort. Looked like all was going well.

No no no! (no, it's not black eyed peas' song)

Spent Sunday in Longleat Safari Park, watching Air Race and going into mazes. It was business combined with pleasure, what more can I ask for?

Btw, I finished the Hegde Maze in 62 minutes and 34 seconds. I guess I took slightly 2 minutes longer than some people to find my way out.

It was a perfect day, I believe, and then I fell asleep under the tree with the heat and breeze hitting me occasionally.I woke up when I suddenly felt cold all over my body. It wasn't a good sign. Then I started feeling it in my throat.

No!I can't afford to fall sick. Too many things to do, and too little time.

I remember chatting on YM and saying I wish I fall sick one of these days and let the office takes over my work. That was my exact words.I knew I shouldn't have said things like this, but tu lah regret pun tak guna dah.

Please don't tell me off and say 'tu lah mintak yg bukan2 sangat'.I am sorry. But vattodo? Tomorrow my sore throat will be worse, and then come batuk and watery eyes and nose. Aiyaaa...

Of all the things I lost,

I miss my mind the most.


Of all the things I lost, I miss _______________ the most.
(entertain me, please, I had a loooong day)

to Ateh with love

A few weeks ago, Ateh finally got his motorcycle licence. He is 38 this year. You may have read about him being mentally challenged. Actually, he is not that bad. He just takes longer time to understand some written stuffs that a normal person could do in 2 minutes.

He was reluctant to go for a driving class in the first place because I think he was embarrassed due to his age. Another reason was because of me. I started riding a motorbike when I was 11. By the time I was 12, I was already driving Bapak’s Opel to the local store, for practise. A year later, I told Ateh to jump onto the driver’s seat and I would teach him how to drive a car.

Me? Teaching my bro? Isk..iskk

After a few minutes of explaining to him the stick, gears and clutch etc, I told him to reverse the car. Instead of releasing the clutch slowly, he shocked us both and within seconds, he pressed the accelerator in panic. The car zoomed backward into a hutan kangkung in front of our house. The front part of the car was on the ground but the back was slowly going into the water. It was nearly Maghrib and Bapak took a couple of hours to get it out. Mak tak sudah sudah scolded me!Hehe. It was kinda funny when I think about it now, but it gave the shock of our lives and left a big impact on him. I knew I had to redeem this.

After a few years of nagging on my side, especially last year when I was at home, he finally agreed to go for a driving class and take the test. I had to provide attractive incentives for him; all the fees would be paid for, plus a brand new Honda EX5, if he passed the test.

It took a little while to persuade and convince him that having a licence will help improve his life, but, I guess it was the incentive that did it for him. Well, whatever works, at least he won’t be too dependent on others for mobility. He used to take a bus whenever he wanted to come back to our family home or to his parents-in-laws’. Or sometimes, his sis-in law would take them to places.

If it was one of us, we did it out of love for him, but I don’t think it was the same for them.

I don’t like their family. I hate it when I heard from Aci that they look down on him for his disadvantages. Like their daughters tu bagus sangat! At least Mak had taught him well; to be independent and know how to manage himself. If he was alone, he would know how to cook, unlike their daughters tu. Haram tak tau mende! Ateh actually taught his wife to cook some dishes. Unbelievable.

That is the main reason why I pushed him for this. I don’t want them to keep on bullying him.Initially, Aci heard that there is an exemption for people with disability or matured students (I haven’t got a clue) so she decided to ask around. After calling this department and that department, unfortunately, luck wasn’t on our side.

Acik, then, enrolled Ateh in a sekolah memandu and became his chauffeur every time he had to go to classes. The first few times, Acik waited at the training ground and he said that Ateh was doing quite well, except that he didn’t manage to finish the written test within the allocated time.

Another thing that Acik noticed was that Ateh actually knew the right answers to most questions, but because his mind processed the questions in a reversed way, he gave the wrong answers. Anyhow, I don’t really how to explain the situation. I understand what the problem is with Ateh, I just don’t know what to do to help him.

I know sometimes Acik got annoyed with Ateh when he tested him at home. A lot of times, he lost patience trying to explain simple things to Ateh because he had to repeat himself over and over again until Ateh understood. Somehow, Aci managed to cool Acik down. Ateh is, after all, our flesh and blood. And who else would stand by him, if not us? Even though we are already in the middle stage of life, we are still anak yatim piatu. Apatah lagi Ateh tu. With him, we have to have maximum patience.

He failed the written test twice. We were told that if he failed for the third time, he would be exempted from taking the written test, but he had to pass the riding test. Of course he would, I have no doubt.

It was Tuesday morning, 5 weeks ago, when I heard the beep.

‘Pak Teh pass both tests, bila nak beli motor?’ A text message from my nephew.

With a big smile on my face, I was glad that he took the chance. It was a big step for him and one step closer to being fully independent. I am happy.

‘Ask Mummy to survey price. Cash’.

I can picture him cruising on his kapchai already.

what's the point of having a dream if you're not gonna make it happen?

(tajuk panjang giler courtesy of Honda ads)


PS wrote something about dreams and living a different life, if you could change it. Or you would rather stick to the current life.Is there any point of re-living my life? I dunno. Maybe if I had been given a time tunnel (today I drove into Tyne Tunnel, hence the subject), I might want to go back and change a few things here and there, but I don’t think I want to live a different life altogether.

It’s not perfect, mind you, but I like it the way it is.

Basically, I can’t say I want to change the few things either. I just want to move forward some of the decisions I made. Like when I decided to leave Malaysia, instead of in 2002, I should have done that in, say, 1999 maybe.

I am out of this world.You know, I have this thing that has been nagging me for a little while. I spoke to dz and kakteh about it, but seems like it's still lingering around. So, I guess I have to blog about it.

Most people in our society, in my humble opinion, cannot run away from this narrow minded perception. Malay(sian)s seem to set a certain kind of status or standard to our own people.

People with tertiary education are expected to have a certain kind of jobs with certain kind of perks and make certain amount of money and drive a certain kind of cars. Why? Because you have a BSc, MS or Phd?

Why put a label or status?

You see, I don’t understand that.

When hiring staff, Malaysians are obsessed with degrees and whatnot. If you don’t own one, no matter how good you are, please walk thru that door and don’t come back again.

On the other hand, a lot of students with degrees also perasan that because they have one, they should get a desk job in an office and good salary. Duh! Ok maybe that’s not the case anymore, but hey, do they ever think of doing something else instead of just doing this scheme and that scheme? Semua kerajaan nak kena tolong ke? You think that's your right ke? Hessh!

Ok, this may not come out the way I want it to.

Let’s try again. Let’s take my life, for example.

Disclaimer: AA, this is not intended for you, ok hon. Saja tak de benda lain nak tulis.

Listen, I know some of you were thinking what I actually do here. Tak dak keje lain ke nak buat? Makcik kat kat kampong sure tercengang kalau depa tau and sure kena kutuk lah ‘belajaq tinggi tinggi, keja juai aiskrim saja?' Apa guna belajaq obersi?

Hessh. Banyak gunanya makcik oi.

I may not be a hotshot executive in some big corp. I may not be a financial controller or businessperson. I have tried that route before. I also have tasted what it was like to be a civil servant. I am not cut to be sitting at a desk all day. To some, it may sound like I lead a low scrapping life selling ice cream. Please, when you read this, don’t pity me, because I don’t really need it.

I like my job. I have the most flexible time in the world, except in summer la. My director, The Mentor, protects me from The Boss from breathing down my neck. She also doesn’t care how I do my job as long as I get them done. I can take time off (skive la) during the day to go for a haircut or do a little shopping, and she won’t mind. I decide how to do it and when to do it. (Yesterday, I was at Orange shop for 2 hours, tukar telefon baru and she knows about it) Also, she will wait until after noon before calling me up, if she knows I had a long day the night before (she'd let me sleep in).

I could take my friends with me for a little weekend getaway when I go up and down the country. I can start work late or early depending on my mood. My mobile bills are paid by the company (yes baby!) I don’t have a 9-5 punch card since my home is my office. My van and fuel all paid for by the company. I wear jeans and sneakers all the time (this reminds me I have to buy a new Nike). I can help myself to a whole loads of ice cream in the warehouse, like proven to Kakteh (mau lagi ka?) I also get to go to the backstage of west end theatres when I was doing my round and see rehearsals if I wish.

Do I sound smug? Hehehe... at least I don't think I was, just glad I got this job. Gary actually said it was intended for PS, really, but she decided not to come back to the UK. So, I told Gaz I wanted the job.

With a job like this, what else do I want, kan? When I feel down and tired with the work, I’d somehow think that there are people in jobs worst than mine. And because The Mentor treated me well and trusted my ability, I had to give back 120%. I’m not complaining.

So, yes people, I could have had good job that bore me to death, but instead, I am just a plain ice cream seller. Eh? Halal apa. I mean the ice cream is halal, hahahaa.

I tak main office politics, I don't stab behind someone's back, I don't berebut jawatan for promotion and I don't think I ever misuse my well connected networks of ice cream sellers :)Smell the lillies? I did.

But, you haven’t heard the stories of my two brothers, Na and Acik. Tu lagi terer! Both were former engineers but now they are doing something totally different.

Na decided to repair computers instead cos that’s his interest. Acik, he used to earn a living by jadi tukang urut reflexology (this was way when it wasn’t a trend yet) and now he’s just a farmer.

You see, we (me and my immediate family) are very sempoi. I think Mak would have been proud of us.The question is, do I want to live a different life? The grass always looks greener on the other side, but I know the greener the grass is, mesti lagi banyak slugs!

uninvited visitor

Oh my god!

What's happening at home now? I was just surfing the net when suddenly a policeman came into the living room. He took one look around and said 'it looks normal,' and he saw the aquarium and commented how nice it looks.

My flat was invaded by 4 police officers. With recent development in London, I get nervous when I see the police everywhere. I know they're patrolling the areas to ensure safety but heck! Look what happened to that Brazillian guy. We are not safe, not even from the police. And now they're inside my flat!

One of them said that they received a phone call from my address reporting some incident. Huh? We were clueless. As I remember, Maury and I were dancing to VH1 Classics and didn't hear anything at all. Marc was in his room doing whatever and Luca was with his fish.

After a while, they went out and we followed suit. All of us were lingering outside and saw 2 police cars with their lights on, brightening the whole stretch of the street. One of the officers, the most hensem of them all, started lecturing us about playing with phone. Bloody hell! Who did that anyway? Excuse me, we pleaded not guilty.

My eyes became blurry after seeing the bright lights so I came back inside and left them all. This was the third time I had police invading my flat.

First time. Back in MO, after the shooting incident at nearby old folks home. All residents at UP were advised to either go down to the basement or stay low in their own flats. It was 3 am, me and Che Lin were sobbing out hearts off watching Ghost, when suddenly there was a loud knock. With my red eyes, I opened the door and in front of me stood this macho muscled policeman. He was a gorgeous species! I felt like an idiot in my pjs, swollen eyes and dishevelled hair.

Second time. I just came back from work, feeling really tired and hungry after a long day at the aquatic center in STL. Didie came back a few minutes later after I started cooking, but she went straight to the phone to gayut with her then bf.

Chopped onions and threw everything in the pots when suddenly I heard the knock. With a senduk in my hand, I opened the door and saw 3 policemen. I was interrogated as if my senduk was my weapon. Esshh... They claimed they received a phone call from our home number and they responded within 5 minutes.

Man! They were real fast. But how could they trace our number when Didie was in fact glued to the phone unless she accidently punched 911?

I dunno what made me look out through the window but what I saw amazed me. There were 4 police cars and 1 sherrif car. All the people in the neighborhood came out to look. We girls were sure knocked for six.

But let me tell you this, the British police doesn't look as good as their American counterpart. The ones in STL were absolutely delicious looking fine specimen. Hahaha. I felt like pinching their arms and feel how strong they are. Mmmmmm.....

all flaws and in front of you

Sunday 11:07 am

This is utterly unbelievable. I’m here at a site, in a van, ready for business, but instead I’m writing an entry for blog. The weather is so horrible that I finally decided I should switch on my computer and do something before I die out of boredom.

Normally, I don’t have anywhere to connect for electricity, however, at this site, lucky me, they have an external socket. So, I can sit in here writing or watching dvd. For all I know, I probably won’t have any customers at all. The weird thing about the Brits is that be it freezing weather, they somehow will still enjoy their cold desserts. Mmm… I could never understand it.

Yesterday, Messed Up Girl did offer to come work with me at the site, but due to unforeseen circumstances, she couldn’t make it. It’s good that she didn’t come or else, she too, would die of boredom.

You know, it’s kinda funny when I say to some people (bloggers) that we should meet some times. I dunno whether I actually have the gut to go see them. So far, I’ve only met Kakteh, Min and Azuradec.

Min, for example, had been asking me out constantly, for few weeks until I finally had the courage to say yes for a drink. I met Kakteh for two reasons. One, she’s basically a family. Two, because I had Ahui with me, I didn’t really feel the anxiety. Meeting Azuradec was purely because I was just trying to be a good human being to another, and because I had the mean to help. I

tell you, before meeting them, I dread about it all week and I tried to delay as long as possible. It was actually scary. You read the stories of my life, know the demons I had to banish and learn what's inside my head, and I think it should stay that way. I don't think I have the energy to meet the other bloggers.

If you don’t know me, let me tell you that I am a shy person. I like keeping things to myself and do my own things alone. My blog life doesn’t reflect my real life. I maybe vocal, write rubbish things and swear a lot in blog, but I don’t talk that much, especially with strangers. If I find that your thoughts and mine are not on the same wavelength, I will start daydream and be lost in my own world. If I was mad or frustrated about something, you wouldn’t know it because I always hide them behind my smile.

When you read about my life here, you thought oh how brave she is when in fact I am scared shit. I do what I have to do because I want to be different and because I had to create my own destiny.I am not a social butterfly, and I am sure PS can vouch on this. The last time I was home, I hardly went out to meet people and I think she resented the fact that I was hibernating in my nest.

Every time she invited me to some parties with her fabulous friends, I declined and made a lot of excuses that she finally gave up on me. I am a true Cancer; always homely and a tad too sensitive. I know I disappointed you, PS and for that I am sorry.

The fact is I don’t know how to connect with these people. My life is mundane and too ordinary compared to them. My adventures are not as exciting and I am not as cultured.

Only when I am with good friends who know me inside out that I took off my mask. I laugh and joke a lot. I can be ridiculously funny, talk rubbish and be silly. I can be the brave Ewok, or Doraemon, Martha Stewart, Nigella Lawson, Henry VIII or sometimes Shakespeare when the occasion suits me, and they still would not think differently. They will still tell me straight to my face if what I was doing is not good for me. They are honest, sincere and critical. And I know it’s all because they love me.

I’ve been through a lot of stages where I was sad, mad and angry with my family. I distanced myself and I refused to go home. During this time, my friends were my family. Without them, I would have drifted away and never be found again. They keep me sane.

PS, I know I hurt you some times ago when you were here with me. Remember Agata and Agy? I am ashamed of myself for that. For a long time, I feel bad about it but I dunno how to tell you. I want you to know that I am very very sorry for treating you that way. Even after that incident, you never stopped being my friend. You never hesitated to tell me where I stand or where I do wrong. I can discuss with you everything and you won't be judgmental of my silliness and outrageousness. You can be the most messy cook ever but I know you would never let me mess up my life. I can always count on you to keep my feet on the ground.

Ju, I can never thank you enough for being the pillar in my life. You and your family welcomed me into your circle and given me love. You may be naïve sometimes but it is comforting to know that you will always be there when I needed someone to talk to. When I was in a deep shit, you’re the one who came to the rescue and pulled me out of it. You’re the rational and practical one. You are a great friend with big heart and with what little you have, you would share with me. You know, all those years ago, I let you bully me into doing pesky little things because I care for you.

To my best friends, I value your friendships more than ever. You may be far from me, but you never left my heart. I miss you so much, and that explains why you keep getting my phone calls all the time.

Love you lots.

Btw PS, you'd be glad to know that I finally finished To Kill A Mockingbird, a year too late. Normally, the bird mocks me when I was trying to read it before going to bed. No more baby, no more. It's really a fantastic book but I had to speed up because I want to start HP.

Almost a week after the bombings, today, I drove past King's Cross and Edgware Road stations. Life goes on as usual. The areas were busy as usual and traffic jam was as bad.

Everything on telly is talking about issues being British Muslims and the backlash. I had an heated discussion with Luca over the topic, and I found myself raising my voice as we got into the sensitive matter. I finally cooled down after I realized there was no point in sweating out over this thing. However much we try to reason things out, ignorants will always be ignorants. I shall keep away from them.

Of the number of people dead, 52 is a small number compared to the 911 or the Madrid incident or the thousands killed in Middle East. I know some of you probably will be horrified at what you're going to read so let me tell you, I abhor the attack on innocent lives but this is where I contradict myself. I say... only 4 explosions? They should have planned more, you know, at Victoria St., Finchley Rd., Embankment and Earl's Court. That should teach Blair something. Double standards kiss ass bastard!

Sorry guys. I had to let this out cos I'm frustrated with the argument I had just now and with the news on telly.

July is making me physically drained and diary for Aug is already full. The thing is I'm too tired that I can't think of anything witty or stupid to write.

Late afternoon, I received a phone call that one of my staff's mum passed away from heart attack, so he and his girlfriend are flying back home tonight. With more events but not enough staff, work is taking up so much of my time. I need sleep more than anything else.

Sidney Sloane, you know how it was, right? Maybe I should consider taking time off blogging. I'll be around, but am not gonna blog as often as before. Not too worry, Lil Ms D will be around too, I think. Well, only if she's ok with playing host cos I know she's bz too.

On a lighter note, I managed to put up songs on my blog. See Radio Ewok at the bottom of the sidebar. I've been jealous with atenah cos she got music on hers but I didn't want something that play automatically, so I created a playlist where I (you) can choose the songs I (you) like to listen to. Enjoy the music.So, I guess I see you when I see you.

Revenge of the Sin

It was just a matter of time. We all knew London is high on the list and they were going to bomb her, we just didn't know when. It was inevitable and now we see it happened.

All fingers are now pointing to Al-Qaeda. They sure know how to choose the busiest parts of the city at the busiest hour. Thousands of Londoners were trapped underground screaming for help and in a panic state. It was horrendous pictures, carriages blasted with glasses flying everywhere in the confined space.

Until now at least 38 were dead and over 700 were treated for casualties from the blasts.On the radio, one woman said the carriage next to hers, packed with commuters, exploded right in front of her eyes. As she ducked, she felt the glasses hit her from front and behind, and then everything blackened. When she finally moved, she saw blood dripping from her face and many fellow commuters were wounded.

People were crying and shaking, shocked and scared at the most horrible incident ever. Some were screaming 'Help us! Help us!' Some who were a little bit lucky managed to carry others to find a way out, while many more suffered cuts, broken bones and burns. A few had to be amputated due to the injuries they acquired.

The scenes where the bus exploded were bloodied, and eerie. Witnesses claimed they saw bodies flying from the top deck as everyone was running for their life. The building behind the bus was splattered with blood. Cars abandoned in the aftermath.

A man, who survived this, said he saw a woman trying to console her little girl who couldn't seem to stop crying. Imagine the trauma she'd have for the rest of her life.Nothing could have prepared us for this. It was so surreal.

The TfL (Transport for London) is totally crippled. All transportation coming in and out from London were suspended. Hundreds of thousands of people were had nowhere to go and some were wondering how to get home.

I was on the phone all day trying to get in touch with everyone. The Mentor was unreachable until after 3pm. Maury and Luca were home and they were trying to call me almost every hour. Was trying to reach Min but all phone networks were overloaded. Thank goodness Kakteh was still at home when I spoke to her.

As I was driving back into the city, the motorways were jam packed with people trying to leave the city. Many walked home. No one was coming in except weirdos like me who choose to live here. As I passed the M4, going towards Heathrow, I could see people walking and some were running on the kerb along the motorway with their baggages. Probably trying very hard not to miss their planes.

I was lucky. God spared me my life. Last night, I was contemplating whether I should go visiting the West End Theatres or go out to West country instead. I chose the latter. For this, I am grateful. Dunno what would have happened to me if I took the tube to the city. Thank you for asking about my wellbeing. I am ok, just shocked at the sheer madness of this event.

To the people who lost their family members in the explosions, all my condolences to you. To the people who are doing heroic efforts in providing emergency services and making sure London is back on her feet, I say thank you.

To the bombers, you make our life here miserable. Damn you bastards!

I had coffee, she had water

After long time planning to meet her, I finally able to find a day off on one weekend to go for coffee. We arranged to meet at 2pm in Leicester Square, and when I got there I was surprised to see so many people in front of Empire.

Oh! Premiere of Madagascar rupanya. Banyak betul penguins and lions berkeliaran sana sini, terlepas from their cages. While waiting for DrMyn to come, I managed to squeeze in between loads of people to catch a glimpse of David Swimmer aka Ross Gellar or even Ben Stiller. But kalau dah pendek tu pendek jugaklah, I couldn't see a thing except the bums of the paparazzi and the top of lion's head.

Min came 20 minutes later, ahem ahem... hehehe. Poor girl, she had to layan mamat nak beli rumah who kept asking her like she's a real estate lady.

We were supposed to have coffee but she doesn't drink coffee. Why oh why?Never mind. We sat in starbucks and talked and talked. Or she talked and I listened more. Or was it the other way around? heh... topics of conversation are blog, bloggers, school, work, ice cream, blog, bloggers, relationship, books, blog... hahahaha almost everything was related to blogs.

Sitting there from 2:30pm to almost 8pm, we only had one Frapuccino Mocha and a bottle of still water, but we sure laughed a lot. It was grand, until my tummy breakdanced and screamed for food.

Senang betul jalan ngan cik mek ni, dia cakap makan apa apa jelah. So hati pun kata nak makan yang simple je, nachos cukuplah. Tapi kena lak tunggu 15 minutes, tak tahan siot. I hauled her with me, we go eat mee kari kat belakang tu je. Sedap lagi this mee from the one I bought kat pasar malam di Oriental City tu. Next time I nak try the one she had, besar betul udang dia. Esshh.. lapar lah pulak bila cakap pasal food ni.

All the while, we had fun talking (I can't say the same for her la), but after speaking and listening to broken English by Italians, Poles and Africans, damn was I glad to hear familiar accent.

It was passed 9 when we decided to leave, and disebabkan tak puas bersembang, we walked to Marble Arch for me to catch a bus back. Tu pun tak abis sembang. Uissh!It was a fun day. Thank you for the great company.

warkah biru

Ke hadapan kekandaku Dina Zaman,

Pertama kali, saya ingin meminta maaf kalau cerita panas saya tu menggempurkan semua org termasuk lah diri awak sendiri.

Sebenarnya saya tak sengaja. Pada hari Sabtu hari tu, saya telah dapat email dari si dia. Dia kata hati dia tengah berbunga-bunga semenjak awak membalas warkah-warkah dia. Essh... tak sangka saya, saya ingatkan awak bukan minah bunga.

Disebabkan saya ni orang tengah, dan selepas berbulan-bulan dah kering air liur saya memujuk, saya menjadi terlebih teruja oleh perkembangan kisah saudari dan tak dapat menahan kegembiraan. Satu hari saya tersengih macam kerang busuk.

Saya harap saudari dapat melihat sendiri dari bingkisan yang diterima kesucian dan kebaikan hati dia tu. Percayalah (cue - sesapa tolong nyanyi lagu Siti sat) Dia tu tak serupa lelaki-lelaki durjana yang awak kenali selama ini yang ada bini dan anak 4-5 orang di rumah tetapi berpoya-poya dengan kekasih sesuka hati. Mereka ini tidak ada hati perut dan tidak reti menghargai hati seorang perempuan yang tulus dan suci.

Memandangkan keluarga si dia berasal dari utara, dan telah bermastautin di negeri orang, adinda begitu yakin bahawa kami tidak tergolong dalam kumpulan-kumpulan keluarga elit di Kola Lumpor. Kalau ada pun, kitaorang tak mengaku sedara. Apatah lagi dengan mamat ni yg dibesarkan di Amerika, dia tak kenal dan memang tak ada konco-konco kat KL pun.

Kekandaku, saya rasakan kekanda sungguh sesuai untuk digandingkan dengan dia tu. Saya nampak hati budi dan keikhlasan naluri insani saudari. Disebabkan faktor-faktor inilah saya berusaha bertungkus lumus untuk menyatukan dua hati. (Majikan saya kata kat saya 'awak tu pandai lah pulak nak satukan hati org, hati awak tah ke mana') Takpe takpe, berkat.

Di sini saya ingin memberitahu jugaklah, bahawasanya dia sekarang menggunakan akaun MK saya untuk membaca karya-karya awak. Tak pe kan?

Saya harap dengan penjelasan saya ini, awak tak ler marah saya lagi sebab saya blog kisah awak tu. Mintak maaf ya. Saaaaayaang awak!

Kalau boleh, rajin-rajinlah saudari tulis email mengenai perkembangan yang tengah berputik tu. Tapi saya cuba berjanji saya tak bising-bising kat blog lagi dah (Cuba je tau)

Sekian.
Yang amat merinduimu,
Ewok


Note: Cikgu BM saya kata saya fail, dpt D+ je. Huuuhuhu. Tapi takpe asalkan dia tak paham apa saya tulis :)

cerita panaasss!

Yes, I got your email.

Ahem ahem…Now I know what you’ve been doing behind my back, huh? So, you want to korek rahsia aah? *wink wink*

I thought you have taken a step further? These days, everytime I tried calling you and him, both phones were busy sokmo. Now, don’t go telling me you haven’t got anyone to date anymore.

Ok. Let me tell you, the readers, a different story, other than her clumsiness with ice cream.The intro.

When I was in the States a few years back, I got a huge crush on a cousin of mine. He used to live in Houston, Texas. His mom is anak to my mom’s pakcik punya anak sedara (essh betul lah kot.. hentam saja lah, janji sedara) Long long time ago, his mom jauh hati with her brothers and family because of harta peninggalan pusaka.

She was a teacher, and she met my uncle Charles when he came to Msia for foreign exchange program at her school. To make the story short, they got married and moved to Texas. I never met her, but I heard lotsa stories bout them. So, in Fall 1996, I went to meet the whole family.

The aunt was so happy to meet me that she hugged me nonstop, and uncle was so unlike abrasive american men I saw on telly. My jaw dropped when I first saw my cousin. Manyak hensem ooohh. Gentleman somemore, and everytime I talked to him my heart would go thump thump thunmp… but after a few months, I forgot about him and moved on to Tom Cruise (that was when he was charming with ‘You complete me’ bullshit).

But there was no way I was gonna lose contact with Bard Lawrence, that’s what we called him. Nama penuh rahsia ya :) Over the years, after a few heartbreaks and career change, we managed to keep in touch and update each other with the tales of our life.

He’s been back to Msia a few times to visit his mom’s kampong, and being the kind soul that he is (eh eh… match made in heaven no?), he patches things up with the families.

Background
Mmm... Let’s see. He’s 5’11, lives in NYC and he has nice beard trimmed to perfection. Kalau tengok his face lama lama, cair ooh. As I remember, his bulu mata are long and very lentik one. Now, at 39 and a successful banker, he’s still single and to his mother’s horror, he seemed to avoid real relationship.

From his stories, I noticed there are always some faults with his previous gfs. Too American, too demure, too aggressive, too nice, too loud, and too quiet and the list go on and on and on. Sampai mak dia pening.

Current Affairs
This is where I came in. Hahahaa… makcik nak play matchmaker kan, so I got this brilliant idea like few months ago. Nyeeh..nyeeh nyeh.. I wanted to get one recently single ‘not so nice Malay girl’ (oii, jgn marah yek, that’s your own words what :) to get together with Bard.

She said tak ready. He said tak kuasa.

She said too far. He said giler ke apa.

She said ask Bah. He said talk to Ma!

Ak eleh! Main tarik tali pulak.

After much cajoling and pleading and sweet-talking (penat tau!), he emailed her and it seems like she responded well. Woohooo.. suka nye hati saya! After that, of course I faded into the background, as they took off in a jumbo jet.

Heehe.. kasi chan lah kan, mana tau nanti kita jadi sedara, kan kan kan? But don’t worry, people may know you but they don’t know him. Unless they kidnap me and ask him to pay ransom.

So, that’s how it started. These days, if you called her, and she’s not answering, paham paham sendiri laa… She might be under her duvet, talking to someone in NYC.Heheh... kak, how deep have you fallen?

Don't talk to me, I'm not in the mood

For the last few weeks, Luca has an assistant working with him. This guy normally would spend at last 4 nights in our flat, and he sleeps in the living room. I have nothing against people coming to the flat and stay overnight. I, myself used to accommodate lotsa friends too.

However, this guy irritates me to no end. He probably is a nice guy, but for some reason I can't stand whatever he did or said.

First, when he speaks his voice was really slow and he kinda drags his voice like a girl. I had to strain my ears to listen to him. Most of the time, I can only hear his mumbles and I get frustrated because I had to ask him to repeat himself several times. When I told him to speak up, instead of raising his voice, he would come next to me shoving his face in mine. Urrgh! Now, I just don't pay attention anymore.

Second, whenever I was engrossed in something, be it watching the telly or most of the time I was reading blogs, he will try to engage in meaningless conversation. Hello?! Can't you see I was doing something else? Can't you tell I didn't want to speak to you? I was ignoring you so please just leave me alone. I am content with just sitting there and not talking at all.

Third, his remarks and comments irk me most of the time. For example, he asked about Ahui everytime he came to the house. I dunno how many times I have to tell him that Ahui has gone home for good. . He irritates me when he said he missed her. How, for goodness sake, can you miss someone you just met twice? She didn’t have conversation long enough to be his friend. Acquaintance yes, but friend no. I ended up having a debate with him. Haah!

Today, I bought a 3m gazebo for the garden and all afternoon I was putting that up. By the time Luca and Maury came home, I finished doing everything. Then, he came in and asked me whether I did it myself. Of course lah mangkuk ayun! Do you think there's an angel helping me? He praised me saying that I was a strong woman bla bla bla…

Oh please! Save it for someone else. Any woman could do it, if they didn’t pretend to be so helpless like a damsel need rescuing.

Me, I just hate waiting for someone else to do it for me. If I want something, I have to do it myself cos most of the time it will never get done or take a looooong time to even start. Well, unless you're a pretty woman with a gedik attitude to match.

“Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man and work like a dog.” Caroline K. Simon

It's finally here

It has arrived!

But first, I am sad to say that I have to work today. This is an early morning posting from the office as I am about to leave with ice cream van.

At 7:07 am on this day in one Tiger year, I was born. It wasn't so long ago, when I was playing polis sentri and galah panjang. It felt like yesterday, I just climbed the pokok jambu in the compound and had eaten the jambu together with its seeds.

Sometimes, I feel that I am still a child, trapped in an adult's body. Eager to see everything like a toddler let loose. So many toys to play with, and when I have grown to the current size, there are so many ceruk rantau I want to go. People always say that curiosity kills the cat. In this instance, I hope not.

Mmm... I was born restless. Mak once told me that I didn't even wait for the bidan to come. She felt the pain and me kicking, so Bapak went to get the bidan only to come back and find I was out and busy crying. Uwuaaaa...

The time has passed so fast that when I woke up this morning, it feels weird. The truth is it has been a while since I last celebrate it. Nothing fantastic about 25 June, just a nice date I think (good numbers to bet), but I did received two 'electrocakes' (my nephew's word) and ada candles and balloons lagi.

Yesterday, when I met The Mentor, I mentioned to her about it. She asked what my plan is for Saturday, you know, whether I will treat myself with fancy stuffs or go for a nice dinner. You have to look at her face when I told her I'd be working. Heh!

crestfallen. disappointed. pity.

Aiyo... I told you already lah boss 2 months ago that I wanted off, and you said ok to me since you'd do the job with Si and Am. But you never remembered also. Takkan lah I have to remind you all the time and me being myself, I hate to nag or ask for something like this. Tapi takpe lah, at least I got extra money. Boleh save and balik can belanja kekawan kat Msia, kan?

Err... you know what? The unthinkable thing that I did was buying flowers. No. Let me rephrase. I sent myself flowers. After a considerable amount of time wasted thinking about it, I decided I deserved it. And guess what? I am happy that I did that, cos the flowers make me smile and they remind me of the beautiful life I have.

of values and success

Unfortunate day for some people.Both of French Open champions are out. Justine Henin-Hardenne knocked out in first round and Rafael Nadal succumbed to the heat in Londyn. And Henman? hampeh!

Dah banyak hari dah panas macam ni. Even I also feel so belengaih today. If you dunno what belengaih means, pi tanya atenah. Dia ada kamuih org utagha. I even stayed in the cold warehouse for several minutes before finally running out of there. Gilos. Kang sakit pulak badan, kejap sejuk kejap panas. Ala, esok hujan lah tu.

The best thing is aiskrim laku macam goreng pisang panas. The not so best thing is that I have to be there again at 8:00am tomorrow. Penatlah jalan ulang alik kat dlm sana, bukannya dekat all the kiosks. Lagi satu tu lagi best tengok the game on telly.

This week I did something unthinkable. No, actually thinkable by me, but probably not by others. Kfiatek and The Hotelier laughed so hard when I told them on Monday what I did, and jokingly they said it was pathetic. I didn't know why I told them. Should have kept quiet about the whole thing. Mmm... if it's pathetic then it's pathetic lah. I don't care. I do whatever I want to please myself. If you don't like it, tough!

Sometimes, I just want to tell them to stop pretending that they are nice friends, because they are not. I mean, they are good people but when it comes to certain things, I can see the real them. They become selfish and everything must be centred around them.

Maybe I dunno how to choose friends. I feel cheated sometimes. I think I do have differently values and taste than most people. The way I look at life is somewhat weird or unexpected. Ahui was surprised when she found out about some of my views during our late night discussions.

Sometimes I get frustrated when something fall short of my expectation. Well, I do not expect them to be like me or to have the similar values but once in a while I do want people to acknowledge them.

Like Kfiatek for instance. I have known him since 2002. He knows about the no pork rules in my meal or anywhere near my food. He is nice sometimes when he offered to make dinner for the 2 of us, but he never remember the rule. He once invited me to dinner with his friends and prepared pork chop. Enough said bout that.

Yesterday, he was being selfish again. I dunno what's with him? Doesn't he listen to himself when he's talking? I do that most of the time. When I talk, I listened to what I was saying because I don't want the wrong things to come out. And that's the reason why I hardly talk these days. I prefer to listen and nod or geleng. But I guess people don't care anymore.

Bill Cosby once said 'I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try please everyone'

I guess I am doomed.

white as canvas, but not as pure

I was trying to get my bike out of the house when I got a phone call from Kfiatek at 7:30pm. He sounded desperate and soon I found out that his friend, The Hotelier got thrown out of her flat tonight.

Dunno what really happened and I wasn't going to ask anyway. All I knew was that they needed help to move all her stuffs out there asap. I jenis malas nak tau sangat, simple explanation pun dah enough, unless you're my good friend then I will drill everything out of you.

Hehehe...Wheeled the bike in again and zoomed the van to Notting Hill. One thing I don't understand is that The Hotelier always complain that she hasn't got enough money for savings, but she never made any effort to move out even though the flat is milking her dry. Some people. Dah berbuih mulut suruh dia cari flat lain, tak jugak pindah. Now she hasn't got anywhere to stay so she's just gonna bunk with Kfiatek in the flat above mine.

The thing about life here is that you don't have family to help out during times like this. Friends are all we have to see us through good and bad times. Sometimes I'm scared of the unknown.

What if some things happened to me and no one would know?

I may have some good friends I can rely on, but then there will be a point where friends can't help out at all. What then? Should I be worried?

Well, mmm... not going to think about it for now.

Had a long distance chat with an old friend today and she asked when I'm going home for good. Oookayy... another question I prefer not to answer, just yet.

My life is like a white canvas, I'm painting the picture daily as I wake up from sleep. I don't even know what is waiting for me in the next 10 months. What I know is that I'm going home for raya, and that's enough for now.

beauty talk

When you live with someone who studies to be a beautician, most of the things she talks about are, of course, facial treatments, haircuts, cosmetics bla bla bla. The best thing out of this is that I have my own personal beautician at home. Bila bila nak facial also boleh and I’ve booked her for massage sessions, but she got fed up with me coz I kept cancelling, takde masa lah.

Mmm… I’m not cultured and so into being beautiful lah, I’m all plain jane maahh. So I can dengar only but I let her do the talking. But these last few days, Ahui has been nagging me to have a change of image. She said she wanted to try her hands at being Trinny and Susannah. Whatever lah budak ni!

Told me to get a haircut, buy new tops and trousers, color my hair. Haiyaa… dia ingat aku ni cap duit ke apa? And when she met Maury, I’m amazed at the things they talk, maklumlah bila pompuan berjumpa kan, one simple topic pun boleh jadi panjang berjela. Like this:

Ahui: Oh! You got a haircut! It looks so chic!

Maury: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Ahui: Oh, no! It’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut and done like that, but I think my face is too wide and round. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Maury: Are you serious? I think your face is lovely. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look great. I was going to do that except I was afraid it would make my neck look too long.

Ahui: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Maury: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Ahui: No way, you look so nice especially on that party night. You could wear anything and still look pretty.

Ok, so maybe I exaggerate a little bit lah about their conversation, but really, women can get drawn into these kinds of lengthy talks for hours. However, swap the women with men, and you’ll find a different set of err… interesting chat?

Let’s get DG to meet goslow (Boys, jangan marah yek. Pinjam nama you kejap. Contoh je ni)

DG: Haircut?
Goslow: Yeah!

Hahahahahha… Senang hidup diorang ni kan?

taking a chance

These last few days have been quite emotional for me. Maybe more than I can handle at one time. Penat sebenarnya bila teringat all the things that happened years ago, and they drained out all my energy. Still tak abis lagi

Arkk..akk.. PS! Don't say I'm going through the big D again. For those yang dok garu kepala tu, big D is for Depression. Boring yes, malas pun yes, scared of course lah yes, but depression tu kat tinggal hujung hujung je. Life is looking good and the sun is sunnier.

This blog has become like the sessions some people had with their shrink in a lounge with a nice comfy sofa, trying to settle some unfinished business with the ghosts from the past. It helps. It helps a lot.

I have never expected that blog can be so therapeutic, and the readers are the bonus that came with it. I know I didn't really bloghop that much due to heavy workloads and too many trips and traveling to make so I dunno much what's happening or who's with whom in bloglife but I do make a point to visit them when I have the time. Kakteh can keep me updated with the gossips, kan kan?

When I write the stories about Mak, I didn't mean to reveal every single thing. There are things that should be left unsaid. And I'm not expecting people to say that I'm a good daughter either. I have my fair share of kejahatan and kekurangan. I ni very nakal one. Selalu kena sebat dengan tali pinggang masa kecik dulu. These days I tend to be shy, of people. Pasal apa jadi cam ni pun tak tau lah. Honest to God, I dunno how to handle all these comments either. Reading some of your comments also dah boleh buat I sebak semula, and lost for words, let alone to reply them.

What I want to say here is, thank you. There are many of you here who left comments, tak kisah lah +ve or -ve, or those yang nak share similar sentiments. I appreciate them all. Thank you for your kind words, for your encouragements, for your guidance and critics, for your advice and for your jokes. I rambles a lot, but you guys are still here listening or more like reading what my head told me to write.

Some people even made extra efforts to extend this blogging relationship to a real life friendship. I am touched with their generosity and kind hearts. It's like being in a different world altogether where love is just about sharing and giving, and hasad dengki is not in the dictionary.

The truth is I lost interest in making new friends because I find the process of getting know a person is tedious and requires a lot of energy. But without friends, we are nobody, so I'm willing to give myself a chance to get to know the friendly people, and a cat too.

To ps, ju, dina, honeytar, DG, raf, stell, kakteh, TJ, TK, Aces, min, poncho, goslow, shell, nenn, zaireen, joe, maine, sooz, leez, tenah, AuntyN, AA, OJ and ramai lagi lah rasanya. Sori lah.. tak dapat nak ingat semua org kat sini. Especially to ray and Haji Malim, thank you for sharing your thoughts and always making me laugh with your antiques.

Thank You.

"Life is to be enjoyed. For once forget your sorrows and take a chance. "-Ewok-

This is my story II

I woke up on Sunday with swollen eyes and headache as big as telur unta.Some years ago, I used to wake up in the middle of the night with wet eyes. Crying in sleep is not my favourite thing to do but it just happened. Sometimes I think I ni macam Ning Yatimah pulak, ratu airmata zaman dulu dulu tu.

You might think that I’m drowning in self-pity and wallowing of the past. Think what you like. I don’t need to justify. Only now I realized it’s time to talk about it.

*****

Mak was coming home. You know orang tua, they don’t like to stay in a hospital and they would rather be in a familiar surrounding. Before she came home, I had to make sure that the house was in perfect order. Didn’t want her to come home to a house behaving badly.

Doc gave a green light to take her home but her whole body was like half paralysed. But lucky for her, the stroke was just mild. She still couldn’t move and she had to depend on us, but we were told that if she eat right and exercise regularly, she'd be back on her feet in no time at all.

Dah kemas bilik and all, but Mak bersungut dowan to stay in the bedroom. Rimas agaknya. Even though Mak tak boleh bercakap sangat tapi kalau letak telinga dekat dekat, boleh paham lah apa dia nak bagitau tu.

Because Mak taknak stay in the room, we prepared the bed in the living room. Masa tu tak kisah lah sebab the most important was Mak’s comfort. Lagipun the area is big, senang nak care for her.

Sebenarnya, I can’t remember whether the bros and sis balik kampong to see Mak when this happened. I think Aci balik pun for a few days only.

The other night when I suddenly remembered all these, I thought to myself Aci must have had the second shock of her life in the same year. In Feb, she gave birth to a baby girl in her eighth month, but Hidayah stopped breathing 30 minutes after delivery. Aci was heartbroken, hati mana tak sedih bila anak dikandung meninggal and every time she saw my bro’s daughter, she had this really sad look on her face. Tak pernah sekali dia merungut tapi sometimes she’d cry non-stop thinking about her baby. I am not a mother yet but mothers out there must know the feelings Aci had gone through. And Mak being a mother would understand her daughter’s heartache. Mak was there, taking care of her. Not a minute she spent apart from Aci. When Aci menangis malam malam, Mak was there to comfort and hug her. And then 5 months later Mak was bedridden. It must have been really hard on Aci.

Ateh and I were the ones at home all the time. I slept next to Mak, just in case she needed something during the night and Ateh would normally sleep on the sofa behind us. Bapak was just being bapak. (I had issues with Bapak but I blogged about it previously)

Every morning, I’d use wet cloth to wipe and wash up Mak, and when I did this I often saw traces of airmata. It was hard to maintain my own calmness but I can’t let her see me looking so sedih. Bila bergenang airmata tu, I quickly turned away so that she didn’t see me and I always try to cover up my sebakness by coughing.

While I was changing her baju and kain, Ateh would siang ikan, cut the chicken or potong sayur or whatever I asked him to do. He may be slow but he remembers every details of the things you told him, so cannot tell him lies. But what I hate most is because people know he’s like that, they took advantage of him. He once worked at a local factory not far from home and every time he came back with his wages, Mak would have to count for him. They thought they could get away by cheating him a few ringgit here and there, but Mak would always make sure he knew his right and stand up for it. Rasa macam nak terajang these people for cheating him.

For Mak’s meal, I used to make her all kinds of porridge and soup since she can’t take solid food. My first attempt to make porridge was very teruk, it didn’t taste like Mak normally buat.

Thank goodness for me, Mama (my sedara who wanted to match me with her son Aki) came to house with some food. I was ashamed that I couldn’t cook properly, I am my mother’s daughter, and I should know these things.

All the while when I was in the kitchen, Ateh would stay with Mak, and talk to her. Sometimes I could hear him ‘mak..nak picit tang mana mak?’

He would tell her about his chickens and burung puyuh. ‘Hari ni ayam bertelurq 6 bijik saja. Ayam jantan tu dok ligan yang betina. Tak tau pasai apa.’

Ateh also would wait nearby bila I feed Mak. Kekadang, Mak didn’t want to finish her food. She would geleng her kepala if she can’t take it anymore, and I had to persuade her to eat up because dia makan sikit sangat. Takut kalau tak makan nanti lagi teruk pulak. Lama jugak dok suap Mak, tapi masa ni lah aku rasakan sedih bila tengok Mak makan. Sebelum ni she was sihat and kuat and always the go-getter but now terbaring and terpaksa depend on anak-anak for everything.

For a man, Ateh is caring even if he looks selebet and rough. He has soft heart and gentle touch. He showed this when we both had to take Mak for a bath. There was no wheelchair in the house, so we came up with an idea to carry Mak on a normal chair. When I said carry, I meant we lifted the chair and carried Mak to the bathroom with our own hands. Often, we had to stop a couple of times because my arms were not as strong as Ateh. But Ateh was ever so patient.

Mak had waist-length hair, and I once asked her if we could cut them because they sometimes become kusut and berserabut that I had to wash and brush them carefully. Takut Mak sakit kepala jugak. Mak refused because she said Bapak suka rambut panjang. Tarik nafas panjang aku masa tu.

‘Malam ni mak nak makan apa? Sup ayam nak tak?

‘Petang ni Ateh nak tangkap pastu sembelih ayam sekorq’

Selalu bila dalam bilik ayarq tu, kena sembang with Mak, just to make sure that she felt included in everyday life. Sometimes I told her some funny stories that happened to Ateh and she would smile. I took it as a good sign.

Bila habis aku mandikan Mak, Ateh would come in and we carried her back to the bed. And bila selesai aku pakaikan Mak her nice baju Kedah, I would put some bedak on her face and then dropped long kissess on both of her cheeks. For almost two months, this was the routine. We made sure she was always cared for by none other than flesh and blood, and we helped with her exercise, with hope that she would be well and back on her feet again.

behind my armour

I wasn’t sure why I was doing this. Why was I here, looking, opening myself to emotions I had locked out most of my life? They needed to stay locked out, I told myself. That was survival.

‘Whom are you going to run from?’ You might ask.

No one. Everyone.

The strange moment had passed. And it had been nerves, not needs.We’re just strangers; we’d pass each other on the street. You don’t know anything about my feelings. But I felt everything slip out of focus.

I wasn’t going to cry, not in front of you or anyone, but it came out anyway. There was nothing, absolutely nothing to cry about.

I felt empty inside. Everyone else had left, and I lived with the daily fear that I would be left again and again.

So, I learned to control my emotions that had become my most successful defence against criticisms and my own insecurity.

If there were moments when I had longed for something more, something… exciting, unfathomable, I’d suppressed the needs. I’d come to believe that if I played by the rules, if I followed the steps carefully laid out for me, I’d win in the end. So my rebellions had been very discreet and my dreams meticulously subdued.

I left too, before they came back. Before they can leave me again.

You don’t know how easily I could slip into my armour. It’s never easy to know anyone unless I want to. So, I do what I know best. I run, steel myself. If I don’t look at you in the eyes, please forgive me.

hikmah Tuhan

Last night I cried again.This time I saw, in my mind, the images of Mak and her worst nightmare.

1995
I just started my semester break. Life in Shah Alam was boring, and it turned out that there was no survival camp arranged for this break. So, I went home to Alor Setar.

Mak was so happy I would be home that she made my favourite mee kari, but she didn’t know that I wasn’t that thrilled. I wanted to go somewhere or do something rather than stay at home. But there was nowhere to go.

I wasn’t happy. I was selfish. I kept thinking about all of my friends who would be leaving to the States soon. I thought about life being unfair and I deserved to be on the same plane with them. It was just not my time but do you think I care? I wanted to go now, not 4 months later.

It was all about me me me. I rebelled by sleeping late at night and waking up in the afternoon. Long after Bapak and Ateh finished their routines. Did Mak say anything? No. She woke me up for subuh and she let me sleep again till I was ready to face the day. She didn’t even know why I was behaving like that, but she let me be.

Once or twice a day, Bapak would come shaking me up but I just went further inside my blanket. The rest of the day, I just watched telly. You can say that I became a lazy bitch.

But just like Ray said, God is All Merciful; He delivered something on our door, unexpectedly.

It was 3 in the morning, when Ateh banged on my door. My room was at the back of the house near the old bathroom in the kitchen and his room was in front, closer to the hall.

He yelled at me and scolded me for tidur mati. And shocked for the first time in my life, I was confused. He stuttered to tell me that something happened.

You see, Ateh is 7 years older than me, and he has a special place in our hearts. Mak kata masa dia dilahirkan, uri dia ditanam deeper than Bapak normally did. Superstitious but God dah nak duga Mak and Bapak.

Ateh has had problem with his speech and brain. Simple things for us but for him, it has to be dealt with great difficulty. He takes some time to comprehend things and his mind works at a crawling speed. But he is not stupid. That’s the misunderstanding people had and still have about him. He’s just mentally challenged but we love him nonetheless. He’s my flesh and blood!

I could see that he was mad at me but all he said was Mak! Mak! And yelling at me at the same time, Bangun! Bangun!

I jumped from the bed and ran outside. I found Mak was lying on the floor next to the dinner table. She didn’t move and she was sobbing… sakit… mak sakit… I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Bapak was out on his tabligh night. It was just me and Ateh.

I was shaking so badly looking at my mother helpless on the floor.

I said to her ‘mak…mak boleh bangun tak?’ She sobbed and geleng her kepala.

‘mak..cek angkat mak ya?’

‘saaakit….siti... sakit’

Ateh was stumped that all he could do was kneeling next to Mak. I could see in his eyes, he was hoping I or rather we could do something to help Mak. And he was looking at me for the answer.

What was I to do? We tried to lift her, but she was so kaku that it was impossible. And every time we tried to move her, she muttered …sakit….sakit…adooi..

I cried because I was useless. There she was, moaning and sobbing and I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even think about calling the hospital, that’s how useless I was.

Her speech was impaired and I could see bubbles coming out of her mouth. Time and again I wiped them, but they continued flowing. I touched her face and chanted Mak…mak… mak mak…

I was rocking her and hugging her. I whispered my imperfect Yassin in her ears. In front of me, Ateh continue to urut her.

It was getting colder by the minutes, I ran around the house frantically looking for blankets to cover her up. We managed to bundle her up in selimut and with all the kudrat we had, Ateh and I carried her to the car.At 5 a.m. we drove off with hope to see a doctor. Tears were like waterfall on my cheeks because for every bump and jolt I felt, Mak had it ten times worse. She couldn’t even open her eyes because the motion hurt her whole body.

When they transferred her on the wheelchair, I prayed that they would not make her feel the pain. She was holding my hands until they wheeled her away from us. We waited for a long long time. Pacing the corridor and not knowing what was happening. At 9 a.m. Bapak finally came. We wanted to call him but we didn’t now how to reach the tabligh group. Mobile phone was only available to the rich.

It was an hour later when the doctor called both me and Bapak into his room. Bapak was an old man, so Dr. thought I should know too. Honestly, Aci or Na was the one he should talk to, not me. I was only 20 and I was about to spread my wings. I did not know the meaning of responsibility. But, grow up I must. Overnight.

He told us what to expect from a person who just had stroke. Stroke? What’s stroke? Mak got diabetes and sakit jantung but not stroke! I was confused and scared. Then I found out.

After a couple of days, she was allowed to go home but with condition she must exercise her movement and flex her muscle. She had to be cared 24/7. From then on I stopped whining about me. Instead, I said syukur to Allah for given me the chance to take care of her. I didn’t know that my delay to the States rupanya ada hikmah tersembunyi.

exorcise the demons

In my previous post, I wrote about how I feel it’s time to reconcile with the memories I had with my mother and family. And last night, as I was lying on the bed trying to will myself to sleep, it dawn to me that as a reflection of who I am, I should begin writing about myself.It’s ironic.

When I named the blog, I didn’t really know what kind of battles I’m facing. I thought they will be just ordinary life obstacles. But now I know better. To move on with my life, I have to exorcise the invisible demons in my head. There are two sides of me. The good in me wanted to feel that I belong somewhere and experience the love I once had. The evil side of me are the ones that are holding back. They’re the one who refused to remember the things I had with my family, be it good or bad.

Deep in my heart, I know that I am still in denial. It’s not easy to come to term with it because denial was the only way I know how to survive. Even after all these years. I never told anyone my fears and my anguish. Everyone thought that I was always happy because all they saw was the smile plastered on my face.

When I first started this blog, it wasn’t because of the need to spill all the beans. It was just a trend, then it became a place I can write without having to censor anything. I started writing about my family, but I found that I wasn’t able to express myself properly. However, I realized it’s therapeutic to get it out of my system or to speak to someone. To tell someone of our insecurities and fears and to share good times and love and happiness. It feels good to let the emotion in you runs free and to let go of the darkest thought. I just don’t know how.

I never had someone to listen to me, maybe because I always held back. I was afraid that if they know my thoughts, I will lose their friendships. Just as I lost my parents. How naïve of me to think that. So, I showed them the other side of me, who wasn’t affected by the incidents that happened in my life. I portrayed myself as the strong person who cannot be touched emotionally.

I distanced myself from friends and family. I didn’t want to see them for a lot of reasons. Friends, because I don’t want to tell them what was happening in my life or my job. Family, because I don’t want them to know what I was up to or nag at me. I kept the social life apart, and I avoided going home.

As far as I can remember, I only broke down in tears once. Weird considering that I am a very sensitive person. I can easily cry when I listen to a song, or when I saw an ad. Dammit! I even cry watching Extreme Home Makeover and those two ladies Trinny and Susannah. Yet, I am unable to feel anything about my own life. How pathetic am I?

Maybe I was ashamed of who I am. Maybe I was just stupid. Or maybe I was still dealing with my loss. There’re so many maybes. Was I ashamed because I was just a kampong girl? Was I ashamed because I didn’t score 3.8 GPA? And for how long do I have to deal with the loss before I come to my senses?

I won’t promise anything. This will be a long journey. I want to remember everything. I want to write about my family. I want to tell the whole world that I do have a family even though I hardly went home or included them in my life before. I want to write about a few selective wonderful friends I have, who became more than just friends. Two entities who love me for who I am and accept me with all my excess baggage. I want to remind myself that I should be grateful that I still have them with me and thankful with what I have.

I shall be true to myself and I shall use this to heal the pains in my heart. This is my story. And today, I don’t want to forget anymore.

secret recipes

Since I was a kid, I have always been passionate about food. Maybe it's in my gene, you know, like mother like daughter. Mom was very much into recipes, be it baking or cooking. She used to drag me to some of her cooking classes and competitions.

Once when I was 12, she competed in two categories; traditional kueh and puddings, and she came second in both. After she received her prizes, we wallup all the food and didn't leave anything behind. I was quite proud of her but too bad I didn't let her know about it.

She didn't really teach me anything but she made sure I was in the kitchen helping her whenever she tried new recipes. I guess because of that, I eventually fell in love with the art of cooking. Aci and I inherited her passion for food. And for as long as I can remember, I like feeding people and I like making my food look pretty too.

When nobody was home, I would pretend that I was dining at a restaurant and served myself lunch. Sometimes, I ate at a Japanese restaurant, so I dig out her Jap dining sets and chopsticks. At other times, I drank juice in her flute and had lunch with fork and knife. Perasan dining at a continental restoran lah tuu..

When she was still alive, I didn't really care or take notes about all these. Acuh tak acuh saja belajar from her.

After she passed away, I just didn't want to remember our time together. It hurt so bad that I locked them away and thrown out the key to a place I didn't want to go back to. I was not bothered with her recipe books, but now I garu kepala cari them. They're the link I had with my mother. When I think about the memories with her, I want to treasure them most but I'm unable to do so because they're somehow have been lost in time. Almost 10 years later, maybe it's time to reconcile.

I am not normally kedekut ilmu. Whatever I know, I love to share with people. However, to tell you the truth, when it comes to recipes, I guarded them so closely. Especially the family recipes. Once, when Na first got married, his wife wanted to make our special cornflake biscuits and she asked for the recipes.

Of course I didn't tell her our secret ingredients, instead I made extra for them just because I didn't want her to know how to do it. You think I'd give aah? Say lah I'm so jahat one for doing that to my own sis-in-law. I don't care. The recipe stays in the family. But now she's part of the family so ok lah.

My point is, the cream crackers baked murtabak recipe has been in the family for so long, I don't know whether I want to share them with you readers. See? Jahatkan I ni?

But, because some of you have been drooling just by looking at the pic, and you asked me nicely, I will share the recipe in the blog. I buat cincai je so recipe pun cincai cara I jugaklah. It will only be displayed for 2 days and after that, it will disappear. So sapa cepat dia dapat lah. Copyright reserved. No distribution allowed, ok.

Updates: Sorry folks, recipe has been removed.

reminders for the opposite sex

Some men need to take notes of these because, obviously, you need reminding. This is not male bashing, it's for your own good.

The next time you and your mates joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you aim successfully at the toilet rim.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask the question in bed.

The next time you bitch about women drivers, research the number of accidents caused by ogling our mini-skirts.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive as opposed to a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we get off the phone and then not talk to us.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily women's work; besides, most of the dirt and clutters is yours anyway.

Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men. Why is it, then, that you never want to cook?

We go to the loo in groups to talk about you.

family matters

What do you do when your brother-in-law invited you to join his Friendster and hi5 lists?

Of course I won't join. The ones I joined years ago pun tak terjaga. I never joined anything anymore, even when many sent me invitations and I'm not about to start again. I haven't got time for that and I'm so malas one.

Ok, I love my family dearly but I think I want to keep my online life separated from my real life. I'm uncomfortable if they find out the heck I'm merapu-ing about. So, sorry lah Abg N.

Speaking bout family, what a small world lah kan! KakTeh and I are, somehow demented that we are, from the same clan. Esshh. KakTeh jgn marah yek with my posting. I still can't get over the fact that of all the places, boleh jumpa sedara while blogging, considering I ni jarang bergaul sangat.

what la you?

I dunno what is it about me that give an impression that I lead a very interesting and sophisticated life, and make loads of dosh.

Nak kata famous, tidak... Nak kata lawa pun jauh sekali... Nak kata jahat tu jahat jugaklah sikit sikit. Heh..but lately asyik dapat colourful emails with out of the world remarks that could dampen my spirit je. Ada pulak allegation yang I have a high flying lifestyle, suka menunjuk nunjuk and kuat memilih sejak duduk kat Londres ni.

Hahahaha… Tah apa apa lah manusia ni. Essh… Hello! Kat mana you dapat ni?

If you think selling ice cream and driving around the country like a slave driver is chic, then I think you need to have your head examined.

Just because you read some stories in my blog or saw some pictures, it doesn’t mean you can make assumptions about me.For the record, I am far from being chic.Yes, I live in London but if you know how expensive everything is here, then you’d know that I’m always broke before the 15th of every month. I’m tempted to start gambling so that I can increase my bank account by 9 fold tau.

The thing is I’m lucky that my job requires me to travel with all expenses covered. I think I know all the motorways, A and B roads in Britain better than most Brits. That’s how I get to go to most UK cities, and great historical places like the castles and such. Kalau nak harap duit sendiri, jangan mimpi lah.

And yes I travel for pleasure too and these things cost money, but kalau dah dok sini tak pegi travel rugi lah. Tu yang broke selalu tu. Kalau you all nak tau, I pegi jalan2 tu pun on a very tight budget. I took buses, stayed in hostels and walked all over cities. Sometimes I shared a room with 10 other stinking travellers who came back loud and drunk. No luxury I tell you!

I don’t own a car, let alone live in a posh house. The current flat is nice and well equipped with monster plasma tv, broadband, dvd, PS2, sky cable, 3 aquariums (my flatmate is a fish man) and whatnot but sorry to disappoint you, these gadgets are not mine. I tumpang guna saja.

Hah lagi satu... You can talk to me about iPod la, PDA la bla bla bla, I seriously tak tau nak guna and I’m not interested in having one pun. J gave me an mp3 for Christmas but sampai sekarang I tak reti reti nak upload songs into it. Adik kecik you pun tah tah lagi terer guna all these.

My mode of transportation is a small van courtesy of the company, or sometimes I take the tube. I don't have the urge to own a Merc like most Malaysians kat sini yang berlumba lumba nak bawak balik sebijik. My room is so damn small I can’t even fit my workstation in. My desktop is another courtesy from the office.

Masa I first moved to London, The Mentor kesian tengok I kot, so dia bagi pinjam segala mak nenek barang2 rumah. Iron, set pinggan mangkuk, glasses, tv, cooking utensils, selimut, kettle, sudu garpu. Semua ehsan dia. Bed and mattress pun dia kasi. Yang syok nya dia bagi I dok free lagi in her nice flat while I was looking for my own place. Come winter time, heater puuun I pinjam dengan office. Hahahaha.

My office is near Cardiff, so sometimes I had to stay overnight. I used to book myself into a Travel Inn, but because they costed the company so much, I opted to stay in a caravan. My choice tau, kalau org lain tu mesti nak dok hotel je. Caravan ni The Boss punya, but he said I can have unlimited access whenever. It's definitely not Mandarin Oriental but I love it.

I haven’t had my hair done in like ages. Not even a haircut. Apa nak buat, balik keje dah malam malam buta, then had to do paperwork lagi. Kedai semua dah tutup.

Shopping spree is not my top priority. The last time I bought a pair of shoes was in Jan, and before that I think it was with Ju at Jaya Jusco back in Feb 2004. Tu dia! Punya lah cikai nye I ni.

However, I am lucky to have met very very generous and kind people ever since I merantau dengan sehelai sepinggang and satu backpack (betul, tak tipu punya). Everyone has been so helpful.

So, there! Sorry to disappoint you. I'm not worthy of envious thoughts or gossips. You and I have nothing in common. Except I makan nasik, you pun makan nasik, unless your meal is Poulet à la Parisienne and you drink Chardonnay. I don't know Damansara just like you don't know where Tongkang Yard is (that's my mum nye kampung)

This is how I live my life. Some of you may know me personally and if I may, I prefer to remain as Ewok to the rest. Bila I balik M'sia, kalau nak jumpa tu lain cerita.

If you think my life is interesting, then I’d say hoo-fucking-ray (alamak! sori ray cats and Pak Malim, no offense ya)

The future is female

The wedding will take place in 5 weeks.

Not my wedding, of course. Sorry, didn’t mean to tease you like that. Last year, I sent a couple to work at Roman ruins and they came back with the news.

This is me, posting something that I might regret later on. Blame it on the hormones.

There’s this article I read about the future being female.

My future is female, isn’t it? No nice men, only ever increasing number of cats. I am going to get all eccentric and retire to a farm in Pendang with sixty cats, leaving my nieces and nephews to grind their teeth in fury when I leave everything to the clubhouse.

I could see it now.

I didn’t actually have a cat yet, but it’s inevitable. So you’ll forgive me if I wasn’t too thrilled at the wedding announcement. Love hurts, and wedding should be banned from inviting single people, hateful torture sessions that they are.

Standing around with all the old parents and parents’ mates comparing who’s been paired off to whom: score one for boyfriend, four for engaged and a clear six for married.

Even worse are the actual young couples, sneaking their arms through each other’s in such a way that you look, and then they blush and pretend to have been caught out. And say patronising things about how great it must be to have a career. Urgh, they make me sick.

Hey hey hey! Stop it E!

What’s got into me? Ok, I’m a romantic who wanted the whole thing, the real deal. Who wouldn’t? Only I don’t want it, like... now. What scared me was that the guy in this fantasy is still – faceless?

Little things that matter

Everyone here knows who Dina Zaman is. She’s an icon in her own style for many of you and she has inspired many of us to write, including me, you, you and you. Though she denied that she is a celebrity but truthfully, she is well known in her field and had created a name for herself. Watch out! She's the new breed of writers to take on the world.

So, you think you know her stuffs and you read her articles. You cry reading her stories, you laugh at her jokes but how well do you know her on a personal level? No much I reckon. That's because she is also well known for some ass kicking when her privacy is invaded. How many of you know what her likes and dislikes?

Not many, huh? So, in my attempt to get to know her personally, I accidentally cracked her skull and had a peek at what’s it’s like to be in her head. This is what I found out when I interviewed the cells in Dina’s brain. Let’s get up close and personal.

Oh! Can somebody switch off the light, please?

Are you the types that shy away from telling us your age?
No. I am 36. I’m not shy.

Where do you come from?
My family originated from the East Coast. My father is Kelantanese, though there is a lot of Pattani blood. My mum is from Terengganu. Having said that, my family is huge. If you were to meet my family, you would wonder as some of us look Malay, Arab, Chinese etc. My immediate family – my father and I look Chinese, mum looks mixed, and my sisters Malay. We originally were Bugese.

How long have you lived here?
In Malaysia? 50% of my life. I have family all around the globe. Also my father worked abroad so we followed him. We lived in the Communist countries. Other people lived in Europe. My dad had to get postings in Moscow, Prague etc. But they were beautiful countries.

I heard you have mad family. Tell us about them.
I wouldn’t say they’re mad, but we have a lot of characters! That’s why I am close and enjoy being with my family, because the things I hear are so delightful and funny! You know us East Coast people. All these polygamous marriages and stealing other people’s wives or husbands, heh heh.

You girls must be handful for your dad to handle when you’re growing up.
Er, yes. We’re very different, we girls. I am free spirited. Liza is quiet but when she is stubborn… Nora is the beauty queen. But the one that is close and yet gives my father grief would be me. Poor man. Sometimes he just gives up. But I always tell him, he has a choice: to have a boring daughter or someone that entertains him.

Were you breast fed when you were an infant?
I don’t know. I got to ask Mum, but she’s gone for some luncheon.

Do you have a pet?
I HAD. Brush.

Name the worst thing you ever did for attention.
Alamak. When I was in Form 5, I had a crush on one boy in SMS Selangor. So I became his secret admirer, wrote him letters and when I met him, I’d say so and so kirim salam. I even told him his admirer was sexy. One day I confessed. I think he fainted.

What are you doing just after midnight on Saturday?
Tidur lah! Where got life?

What era, event or day in history you would like to re-live?
Two: the Victorian era and the 30s. The former because of the literary and erotic movements at that time. I have great interest in the history of courtesans and erotica because while these two were lambasted for bringing moral decay to the Victorians, they were actually very powerful influences on politics and governance. The 30s because Anais Nin was around and there was such great romance and sensuality to that era. Also, writing was exploding then.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Being with someone I love, reading books, having one kid, and going on adventures with the love of my life.

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
Ah-hah. Read Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus and look for Elena and Bijou. Elena is the hopeless romantic while Bijou is the whore of the decade. Why them? Because of the way they lived their lives with great passion.

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
None.

Do you smoke?
Only when I am very very very stressed and with very very close friends. Is one cigarette considered smoking? Ok, I’m lying. The most I smoke is two. That’s my only vice apart from buying books. I don’t drink, indulge in illegal things. I’m really boring!

The quality you most admire in a person?
Honesty.

What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty, honesty, and non-judgement. Oh yes, a great sense of humour.

What is your dream of happiness?
Being with the love of my life. I’m not telling you who.

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
That I never pursued my goals, and didn’t end up with this person.

What is your favorite color?
White.

What is your favorite bird?
I hate birds. I like cats.

What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Calmness and patience.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Eh?Whose faults? Mine? I have a temper. I can be incredibly moody. I can also be incredibly aloof and a loner.

What is the most adventurous thing you’ve done?
Falling in love.

Name something you keep in your underwear drawer (besides bras and g-string)
Perfume sachet. So that my undies smell nice. I found 10 bucks in there once. I don’t know how it got there.

Name a place you don’t belong
Bangsar, Jalan Telawi.

Describe that low, low moment when you just thought you might have to leave KL for good.
Well, it hasn’t happened yet but I guess… if this dream does not come true, I’ll pack my bags.

Are you good at Frisbee?
Dah lama tak main.

Was the contract with Vivid Video a mistake? Ops..sorry. You’re not a porn star.
Actually I was meant to be the Playmate of the Year. Yeah, I actually won the Two Fried Eggs Award. I can’t talk much, you’ll have to speak to my lawyer.

Give me three words that describe you as a person in non-physical terms.
I hate describing myself. 3 words. Temperamental. Finicky. Funny.

What turns you on?
Your blog is PG rated love! Ha ha! I can’t tell you!

What turns you off?
BO. Sloppy manners. Superficiality. Pretentiousness. Stupidity. Men that criticise women when they’re actually fat and have smelly breath.

What is your favorite curse word?
It used to be shit, but now it’s crap. It depends.

What profession would you like to attempt other than your own?
An actress. In the 1930s of course.

What books have influenced you?
So many! Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in The Time of Cholera; Kawabata Yasunari’s The House of Sleeping Beauties; Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus and Little Birds; the Quran; The Kite Runner; many many more. James Herriotts books.

Are you a sports fan?
No.

What five items would you put in a time capsule to be opened in a thousand years?
A photo of my family and me; my favourite book; my favourite perfume; buku Yassin and a lock of my hair.

Have you read any of the crossover children’s fiction such as J K Rowling (Harry Potter) and Philip Pullman (His Dark Materials)?
Yes.

Who is your style icon?
Two: Audrey Hepburn and Katherine Hepburn. I like the American way of dressing. Very clean and simple.

What is your favourite way to spend a Sunday afternoon?
With my books. If I have a partner, it’ll be hanging out watching movies.

What is your preferred movie-viewing snack food?
Popcorn with salt

How do you write? Straight to computer or sketched ideas with pen and paper?
Sketched ideas. Then write on paper. Then pc.

What is your favourite film?
All the Indiana Jones; Welcome Back Mr McDonald, The English Patient

Can photography be described as art?
Yes.

Have you enrol in a swimming class yet?
Nope. Shy la to wear swim suit. I go for classes in MY HEAD.

What will you be doing at 6:45pm on May 19th?
Packing up to go home, makan, baca and sleep. I told you my life is boring.

What is the weirdest medical condition or physical attribute you have?
I have endometriosis. Which is why I have to be careful for my well-being.

Name something you enjoy that you are not particularly proud of
Hmmm. I wouldn’t know. Hey, I do. I’m not telling you!

Do you have tattoos or piercings?
My ears are pierced.

What' s your favorite smell?
Vanilla. Esp my fave perfume, Angel. Oh oh, yes, another one. But that I can’t tell you! Ha ha!

What is your motto?
Seize the day! ‘Carpe diem!’

Who are your favorite characters in history?
None.

What historical figures do you most despise?
None.

In what country would you like to live?
I would like to live in either Paris, the South of France or the Muslim quarter in Spain. Right now Ubud.

What is your favorite flower?
Haleconias. When we lived in our former home, the garden was blooming with them. I always had this morbid wish that my grave would be surrounded by them.

Who would you have liked to be?
I have always wanted to try being the Most Sexy and Popular Girl, for a day. Nak tengok apa yang syoknya tu.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Poverty.

Would you pose nude for £50,000 (this is not an offer!)?
Only if the painting or photo is burned afterwards!

What' s your favorite fruit?
Mango

Name a sport that really sucks
Netball. In TKC they were crazy for netball. I hated it.

Are you romantically involved with someone at the moment?
No. But I do like someone :) But like all my love affairs, it will never happen.

Wah! Looks like her brain can't stop talking to me. I think I'm exhausted from asking too many questions. And hmm... nothing really juicy or scandalous I could use to sell to the Daily Mirror.*whispering* You know what? I think she's got the hot for that grey haired man. Can you imagine him wearing kain pelikat? And burn that nude photo? Hell no!

EDITING.... by dz

Last week there were a few revelations, which made me think and do what I had to do the last few days.

I was talking to Peanut about this; we are going on similar yet very different journeys. One of the things we do is edit. Edit our lives. From friendships that no longer benefit us spiritually, emotionally to foods that were bad for us, we ran through a list.

This is life, no?

Editing anything out of your life, especially friends and relatives, can be a painful process. We are all not heartless people, but there are personalities that drain you. And you wonder why, after each encounter you have with them, you are friends.

And so it goes.

I started with my wardrobe. In my past life, I went to many functions and dinners. In this life I have now, I don't. A number of dresses and evening gowns stand forlornly in the cupboard, gathering dust. I have given many away, and there are a few more.

The Dress still stays. Until I wear it once, it will wait in the cupboard. The rest? They do not fit into my life now, and I do not see them fitting into the future.

Now I am wondering how to do this: to get out of an enterprise. Mind you, this is not about ending a friendship, but moving on from a dead end project that I got dragged into this year. I have told the team that I had no passion for it, I didn't want to be part of it, but they begged to differ.

Honeytar opened my eyes last night. "Your laptop being stolen was one way of you detaching yourself from him. That was the final gift from him. Now you are free."

She was right, but I still fret as I have many photos and work in the laptop. Whoever has it, may he or she poo tankers.

I have friends that can be curt about editing. I am in awe of their boldness and hurt by their callousness. But, as we all know, this is life. You just pick yourself up and move on.

Editing requires strength. Physical in the sense that you have to move to take action. When I gave away a dress my arms hurt because the dress had so many memories, but I gave it away.

Emotional because you think, what if you still want to be in touch with the person? So you call your good friends like Sof, and then you realise, it was never meant to be. Mental because you have to be focussed, and it's easy to not be, you know! You delude yourself into thinking that one day all these will be artefacts that the Smithsonian will want upon your death and that your gossip magazines will be studied by 25th century academics.

It is May.

Four months of the year have passed, and so many things have happened. I wonder what will happen today and tomorrow, but I do know that I will be editing more parts of my life that may have served me well years ago, but have no place now.