of accepting oneself

My previous entry sounds a little bit harsh. I didn't mean to be rude or anything, and I'm definitely not trying to drive you away. It was just a errr... question that does't mean anything or need an answer.

Let's be honest here. Well, I am trying, really.

There are a lot of women (and men too) out there who feel that they need to conform to society in order to be accepted. I asked a friend, why oh why?

She said it's because we live in a conservative society. Well, I say society is cruel for forcing us to be someone we are not. Society expects us to be different. We say one thing and do another or else we would be an outcast, or a rebel.

Why can't we be ourselves? Do what we want and not care about what other people think. Why do we hide behind a blog or our work? Are our insecurities too big for us to handle? Subconciously, we all know that most people are not comfortable in admitting this fact. So, we spend our lives doing things that society approves. We conform.

I spent my life trying to catch up with my sister. She's smart, great, intelligent and focussed, and she knows what she wants. Oh how I tried to be like her, followed her steps but I could never measure up to her success no matter how hard I try. She will always be one step ahead, so I gave up.

There were acquantances with whom I tried to blend in. You know, imitating the lifestyles of well-off people and spending the money I never had.

What about the cousins whose careers are on the right track? I put up an appearance of being successful when we meet up at the family gatherings. They make me feel like a little girl. Flaunting in front of my face and did a double take when they hear what I do for a living.

"You do what?"

Then there are all these people who are trying to get all sorts of degrees to put behind their names. In my illusion, I want that too.

Sounds pathetic, huh?

Yes. I admit that I had all those feelings, comparing myself to these people whom I barely knew in the first place, except for my sister, of course. I was trying to be someone whom, in fact, I cannot be. I used to think that others are more fortunate than me. Yet, I cannot pass judgment that their lives are better than mine. If I lived in their shoes, the size probably would not fit my wide feet and I possibly could not able to cope.

You know what I love about being here? A person can be anything and people will still treat her with some respect. I can be a cleaner, a chef or an exec in a suit, but I will still get the same treatment just like everybody else (Unless I'm rich and famous, I'd go private, but hey that's my perrogative).

If I were a cleaner in your office, would you talk to me? Ask me about my family? But of course I am not because we have the Indonesians doing that job, but do we even look twice at them?

No one bothered, because they don't want to be seen talking to someone outside their social circle, be it upper or lower. If it's upper, they will say, 'ooohh, you're rubbing shoulders with the man in power, eh?' They give you one look that says it all.

I'm no exception, but I realise I'm becoming a different person now. Not everyone smells of roses and has a house of gold, or has a cardboard house.

Until I accept who I am, I will not progress. That means accepting all the warts, emotional lumps, bumps, bad bits and the rest of it. But that doesn't mean I am happy with everything about myself or that I am going to be lazy or lead a bad life. I am going to accept the way I am, and build on that.

I want to start with what I have and who I am, then I can make a choice, each day, to strive for something better. And accept that some days I am not going to make it, but it's ok. I can pick myself up and start again.

I know it can be hard. No one said life is smooth. We come fully loaded with desires, anguish, sins, temper and hesitation, and the list goes on. Man, life is complex!

I don't know what came over me. Insecured again, I guess. But I asked a silly question to my friend, 'will we still be friends if I go home and sell burger?' She told me jual buah lagi bagus!

I guess I knew the answer all along.