A letter to my unpaid shrink

Dear blog,

It's been really encouraging these last few weeks. I feel that I am on the brink of self discovery.

You do know that I have many demons to exorcise , don't you? I honestly appreciate you helping me during my confusing and difficult time. It's so much better after talking to you.

I do not want to be too revealing but at the same time I wish I can tell you about everything that's in my head. They are all waiting for the right time to come out, so I guess we may be having many more sessions in your comfy office.

A couple of friends asked me why I always beat and put myself down. I dunno. I guess it could be because of what happened with my mom. When she was in my care, I tried to carry that huge responsibilities. It didn't feel like a burden but I felt it was too much for me to handle. I was young and reckless. I didn't want to take up that big task, but somehow there was no avoiding it. I blamed myself for something I have no control of.

That must a reason why I avoided responsibilities in my jobs before. When I felt pressured, I did what I do best, I quit. I didn't think that I was able to handle them. I was scared of having people to depend on me and I don't want them to be waiting for me to do something. I was so uncomfortable to the point of being hysterical.

Just look at how many jobs I had over 10 years. Except for the work with the gov, I had most of them for not more than a few months. I cannot commit and I didn't want to admit my weaknesses. I am ashamed. Ashamed that if people know about me and my weaknesses, they would not befriend me. I wanted to be accepted, so I lied to myself. I pretended that everything was ok when in fact my head was not in the right place.

There was a point where I couldn't take it anymore. That's why I came to live my life away from home. I took up menial and easy job. Not too many responsibilities.

Selling ice cream, what's so great about it? It's a low paying job. It's hard, boring and no advancement. But to me, it is everything. Can you believe that I stay with this job for almost 4 years already? I came looking for myself, and maybe I will find it soon.

After our sessions last year, I understand myself better. I know I didn't do enough for her, but I did whatever I could.

I'm always a loner, and I do better alone. However, I know I have friends I can rely on for support. Because of you, I found new friends, who tirelessly told me that I can do what I want, and offered no judgements to my warts and ugly scars.

For that, I am grateful.

Thank you, blog, and thank you my friends.