diversion and jealousy

I have a nasty streak that surfaced every once in a while. She's even worried that one day I might lose control over it and would use it just to leash out and strike her just because I was hurt. How could she think that I would do such thing to someone I love? She doesn't know that I would spare her all the hurt if I could, and I thought she knew me better.

Yes I am jealous. Isn't it natural to be jealous because you love someone? But I am all cock-and-bull false bravado. I would prefer to suffer on my own and rot to die.

Who am I to say anything? I can't even claim her as mine. She loves another, but to say that I am not jealous would be the understatement of the century.

So, what's left to do but for me to think that I am just an aberration or just a detour from her normal life. Something new and something exciting to spice up in life. I am trying to convince myself that all she wants is just an escape from all that pressure she has from work and family commitment. Everyone expects too much from her so she comes to me just to be herself and release that tension. I am sure when she had enough, she'd leave.

Some people often indulge themselves in some kind of forbidden thing, but when they lose interest it would be all over and they'd move on. Who knows, right?

the troublemaker

The feeling I have for her is getting stronger and stronger everyday.

If I don't hear her voice I would feel restless. At times I feel guilty for making her have feelings for me. She would have never went for me if she knew my real orientation. Maybe that knowledge somehow influenced her emotion towards me.

I can't help but thinking I'm the troublemaker here.

lies and excuses

Everything is so messed up. My life is taking a different turn and it seems to have make me confused. I can't even say the right words or do the right things. Words that came out of me seems to hurt her and I don't know how to make it better. To her they're all like poison.

She says I'm full of lies and excuses. Maybe I did lie because it's like second nature because if you're used to lying you just can't get rid of the habit overnight. But it wasn't my intention to hurt her at all.

On the other hand, sometimes my lies are to prevent or avoid confrontation. It's in me that I hate argument and I don't like being stuck in a heated conversation. I don't want to hurt anyone and I know I don't like her to be unhappy. I'd rather it was me that's hurting and suffering it all than seeing someone I love and care so much being upset and hurt.

you think you know

I always thought I know what kind of woman I want as a girlfriend. Passionate, thoughtful and caring. I also thought I want someone who is shy and weak that I could take care of. I thought I am the strong one hence the criteria.

When I watched the L Word, I used to fancy the socks of Bette but I didn't think she was my type. It never crossed my mind that all these while what I needed is the strong-willed and an alpha female to bring me back to reality. Another criterion that I overlooked was the status because just like everyone else I assumed that most women are single and unattached. Until I found my love.

I never realised that she was right in front of my eyes. I was oblivious to her feeling towards me. In my defence it's all down to a huge barrier between us. I knew I had some feelings for her but I also knew that she's everything I want and I can't have.

of my coming out story part 5

At the beginning of last year, I felt it was time to take another step and extend the discovery process beyond the cyber world and into the real world. There was a discussion and counseling group that meet every second and fourth Monday of the month at London Friend to talk about the issue of sexuality in a safe and friendly environment. And how apt it was that on the day I went, the topic was 'Am I, Aren't I? - Coming Out to Yourself'.

It finally clicked! Meeting people who are in the same boat made me realised I was not alone and talking about my fears and worries helps a lot. It dawned to me that working toward self-acceptance is the first step in coming out. It is the most important and often the most difficult step but it is better than living in the closet. It is a painful and lonely place to be especially if one stays there in order to survive; one would never survived! It takes a lot of energy to deny my feelings, and to be honest, denial can be costly.

At the ripe age of 33, I finally acknowledged and accepted myself. This was never a phase for me and I felt it was the most liberating feeling in the whole world. It felt like the weights on both shoulders have been lifted. Coming out to myself was the beginning of my not being angry anymore.

In fact, I believed it has helped me in developing a positive self-identity. I started to trust and believe in myself again. I also learn many valuable lessons about what the word friendship means. Friends that I thought would be the least judgmental were the first to drop me, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered the strongest support.

I have given hints to some friends through emails and phone calls but The Mentor was the first person I ever told face to face. It seemed appropriate for me to tell her since she took me under her wings and could read me like a book. When it finally came out of my mouth, I was already a nervous wreck and cried throughout the confession. She was the most supportive as ever and I couldn’t have ask for a better person to come out to. She encourages and pushes me to do more for myself. She sees the real person that I am and knew what I'm capable of. The thing that touched and humbled me the most is she believes in me at the time when I don't even have faith in myself. She is my rock and always will be.

I came to understand that the biggest hang-up was me. I was convinced everybody would have a horrible reaction to my coming out and would hate me. Soon after, it seems natural that I let my close friends know the real me. There were times when I thought I was ready to tell my sister, but then I chickened out. One day, I promised.

Coming out allows me to develop as a whole person. My confidence level has shot through the roof and I am comfortable with myself more than ever. It is honest and real, and it ends the stress of hiding and leading a double life. I started to listen to my deepest feelings and learn more about what homosexual is. The pre-conceived notions that gay people are freaks and sinful are from the stereotypical image that was badly represented but we are no different from the rest. The world would be a better place if people stopped labeling others and started respecting one another.

I realise it is not the faith that rejected people like me but it is the people of the faith that walked with holier than thou attitude. People who think that they are right and others are wrong. People who claimed they don't have any problems with gay people, but will add a 'but' at the end of their statement. People who refused to acknowledge that we existed and continue pretending as long as it is hidden.

I thank God that I am blessed with some friends who instead of preaching, they subtly invited me to the surau, which sometimes I graciously accepted, something I usually avoided in the past. To those who knew me, I thank you for being my friends and accepted and loved me as I am. I am still nowhere near perfect and as humble as ever but today, my spirituality is stronger and gentler. The God I know loves me and loves all those He has created.

As far as I can remember I have never been as happy and content in my life as I am these days. I am at peace and I love myself. That's all that matter. This is my coming out story. I have a long road ahead and it is very hard. I still have to fight to stay strong but I look forward to every new day, and I have never felt so free; no more headaches, no more stomach problems, no more misguided tortures. Just clear thinking. I found myself no longer in between.

And yes, I have always been different and I finally know why.

of my coming out story part 4

Everyone sees me as the tough one. My family thinks that I walk on water and I could accomplish anything and everything, but what they didn't know is that I'm very good at hiding my miseries and sorrows. I could get an Oscar for that.

I didn't have anyone to confide to. No one that cared enough and made extra initiative to know more about me. I do have a few good friends but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I didn't think they would understand what I was going through because they were not in my shoes. There was so much pain and frustration that I was disgusted with myself and began thinking of myself as a failure. I was scared of being rejected for who I am; hence I isolated myself and lived in hibernation. I was thinking that if I rejected them first, then they wouldn't have the chance to push me aside and eventually hurt my feelings.

After years of lying, pretending and thinking that I was sick and not normal, I couldn't continue the facade. I needed to get out and be me. I don't know how but a part of me found the courage to write about it although I didn't admit that I was a full blown gay. Subconsciously I chose the title of this blog as it is because I knew deep down that I was neither here nor there.

When I finally told my good friend PS, I said that I think I was a bisexual just because I thought it was safer since I was only half gay and half straight. I was afraid of the reaction. I expected her to be horrified and stop being my friend. Gosh! What a relief when that didn't happen!

I remember she said that whoever I am, I'm just like everyone else with emotions and needs and I just have to accept it and just be selfish for once. For that, my friend, I would always be grateful for making me see it in a different perspective. If by being selfish I could be happy, then I'm not letting it go.

Slowly, I learned to accept that I cannot pretend to be someone that I'm not and that I have to stop hiding. Through some forums, the old defunct blog and this one, I started meeting new people. At first I was sceptical and afraid of being judged before they even knew the real me, but to my surprise I met some wonderful people whom later become very good friends. A few bloggers were kind enough to offer me friendship, advice and verses to read in times of confusion.

As I wrote about all sorts of things that were trapped in my head, I calmed a little and some stress was alleviated, but the torment of not being able to fit in was still thick and heavy in the air. It was an absolutely terrifying and stressful journey. And you know what, when you think about the family, it is always very hard to live up to their expectations.

l.i.f.e

I thought I had my life figured out. I know who I am and what I want. It's so good to finally accept myself the way I am and I am not embarrassed by it.

I never thought that one day someone would come along and throw me off balance. Well, I thought wrong. I don't want to hurt and I can't stand the thought of being hurt. Why must fate be so cruel? Why must it be all or nothing for me?

empty space

You know how funny/weird/ironic it is that when you resolve something or you finally figured things out, you find that you have nothing much to say, anymore.

of my coming out story part 3

I began to struggle with my inner self and thinking perhaps I was having a mid-life crisis. 'This is shit!' I told myself. No one has a mid-life crisis in their mid 20s! I needed to start anew.

Up until then, I have to say that I was not interested in men and never had any boyfriends, but thinking that I should conform to the society, I found myself going out with them. I tried to create interests and give plenty of attention. Time and again, I forced myself but it never went any further. The interest just wasn't there and as soon as I got home from the dates I forgot all about them. It never crossed my mind to even think of them in a romantic way.

I enjoy being friends with men and having them as good company but attracted to them? No. Envisioning the rest of my life spent with any of them? No. Putting up with their behaviors and the typical manly characteristics? No, thank you! Married with white picket fences and 2.5 kids? Definitely a no no. I do not want to conform to what the society deems as the right thing to do. I don't want to get married just because that is expected of me. I was fucking miserable, and I don't think it was fair to make other people's life as painful as mine.

Yes, I've tried to be what I thought was expected of me, lived the life that had been modeled to me by those I knew. But deep down I knew it didn't fit. In 2004 I went through the bleakest and most difficult time of my life. I was depressed, suffering from anxiety attacks, had zero confidence, low self-esteem and suicidal.

Since I arrived in the UK, I kept to myself. I didn't feel like befriending new people and only knew the people I used to work with. To be brutally frank, I hated the narrow-minded and judgmental people especially the Malays. The angst in me was at full blown, even a few bloggers I met could sense the vibe at that time. Yet, I can't avoid my family even though I tried to keep minimal contacts with them. My sister tried to introduce me to a few of her friends' brothers and I even had a marriage proposal, which I turned down. Oh how I dreaded thinking about the subject!

There was a couple of times The Mentor mentioned about me finding a man, but with her I could just shrugged away and pushed it to the back of my mind. There was not too much pressure from her. However, after gentle and persistent prodding and genuine interest in my life, slowly, I was able to talk and open up bits and pieces of me. I found myself telling her the things that were on my mind, which I couldn't express and never uttered to anyone before.

For some odd reason I wanted to be perfect and invisible. I didn't want people to see me as weak and needy, and as a wimp but somehow I knew there's nothing I could do about it. I don't have what other people have, so I thought my life was shit and not complete.

To be honest, I didn't understand what I was going through. How odd it was that some parts of me were still green and naive. Yet, at the back of my mind I knew it had something to do with my sexual orientation. I felt so depressed, guilty, scared and angry all the time, but most of all I felt very lonely. The loneliness was devastating; sometimes I curled up in bed and didn't move for hours or didn't go out for days.

In the midst of all these, I struggled with how to reconcile the reality with a faith that totally rejected and shunned people like me. In my mind, I failed myself and I was a disgrace to the family. Only God knows how I survived and lived with that thought.

A wonderful Swedish getaway

of this weekend

One application on Facebook says this about me:

"A geek from the word go, you are brilliant at all the difficult and tech stuff. You excel at anything techy. It's sometimes difficult for you to find a company of people worth spending time with. Which is probably why you have planned to take over the world with your self made robots!"

Hah! What bollocks! I says loads of bollocks.

But I do feel absolutely fab! Happy as I can be.

With the sunshine and fine weather, good friends to entertain, dinner with a lovely company and great salsa night what more could a girl ask?

of my coming out story part 2

I sailed through college without a boyfriend, and not wanting one at all. Though I did develop a close friendship with another girl, I thought it was just normal for girls to have that kind of bond with their friends.

I remember there was a paper we had to write about homosexuality but I still had no idea what it really was. As it happened, the friendship didn’t go any further as I felt claustrophobic and trapped with her neediness. So these feelings I had for girls completely and totally slipped my mind.

Furthermore, I had other demons to battle with at that time. I had to deal with the death of my mother, relocating myself to a foreign country and the shock that my father remarried less than 6 months later. As I blamed myself for the unfortunate death, I felt all the guilts were on me and was totally lost, angry and hurt.

I was young and didn't know any better. The way I saw it, I was coping well. I had my attention on things that were gothic, mystery and grotesque, and for a while there I even started to look like one. I made sure that the things I did were out of the ordinary, unexpected and slightly odd. Druid, satanic cult, emo, pagan, witchcraft, tarot, you just name it, I was interested. But it never lasted long enough. I was unbelievably lost.

I love being in the company of people, but there I was isolating myself, in my little world, trying to find a solid ground below or a hand to hold but I never managed to grab one. I was hiding and, at the same time, protecting myself from being hurt again. I always felt that I was there for people when they need me but at the same time, I can't help feeling all alone fighting for my survival. I always held back what was on my mind and never spoke of any sorrows. I pushed people away and refused to let anyone get close. I wanted to run as far as I could. Still, I didn’t know what I was running from or where I was running to.

It was only at the beginning of my so-called adult life that I found myself falling hopelessly in love, with a woman. And ironically, I didn’t even know that it was love. Like it or not, she filled my mind for the next few years and there was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. I felt that I finally had found something or someone to live for. I was feeling all sort of emotions and wanted to change for the best. I would have gone to the moon and back if she had asked.

Sadly, I was just a phase she was going through at that moment. I was devastated and it was way too excruciating to watch her leave. But leave she did.

of being scared

I am temporarily insane

now I show you vulnerabilities
you see things I cannot do

now I tell you weaknesses
you see not my capabilities

now I bear my soul to you
you only see meekness

I'm not the person you thought you knew

of my coming out story part 1

Growing up, I always knew that I was different, but I just didn't have a grasp on why and what set me apart from everyone else.

My teenage years were quite happy ones, yet a little stormy sometimes. Even though I was a well-behaved child and never had problems at school, deep down I was a rebel. I was a little rascal and went through stages of hatred and anger at things in general. However, I could never put my fingers on what it was that triggered my restlessness.

When my friends were checking out the boys from St. Michael or KSAH, I pretended to be interested and did the same when in fact I didn't feel an iota of feeling towards the male gender. I have always had an infatuation with women since I was a little girl. I only liked and obsessed over women performers and women actors, but I usually ended up putting posters of guys over the walls in my room because it was the 'normal' or 'right' thing to do. In a way I thought that if I had them on my walls, I would start developing some kind of attraction towards the opposite sex.

I was thinking that when I got a little older, this phase would pass and I would fall totally in love with a man. I even found myself studying relationships around me between boys and girls and wondered if I'd be fortunate enough to have a boyfriend one day.

Nevertheless, all the while I never stop having crushes on girls. I didn't know what it was but I did know how terrified I was, and the indescribable worry that I like girls more than I like boys. I had no knowledge of such thing as gay people. There was no talk among my high school peers and there certainly were no talk shows, no films or no internet to help better my understanding of such emotions.

I prayed to God, sobbing, and thinking it was the worst fate to ever be forced upon anyone. Not to mention the fact if dear mother found out, God only knows what layer of hell would be unleashed and set upon my frail teen soul.

of coming back to my senses

How the heck did I suddenly write about political correctness and stuff? That is so not me. For awhile there I thought I sounded quite intelligent and had become a feminist. Er, not! Please can someone slap some senses back into my brain!?

Today I think I sounded more like the village idiot. It must have been because I had so much time on my hands. Thank goodness I'm back at work tomorrow.

I never took myself seriously and I'm not about to start the new year that way either. For all I know, I live in the playfulness of the moment, whatever that means.

2007 has been a turbulent but exciting year for me. I wish and pray for a playful yet happy 2008!

Notes for next entry: Is it ok for a 35-year old to date a 24-year old? Lame, I know, but mmm...

By the way

Happy New Year everyone! May you have lots of love, happiness and prosperity in 2008

of my very long views, more like a letter to the editor

A friend alerted me on the article in Harian Metro. I can't help but feeling sad and angry after reading it. Since it hits home and about who I am, I guess it's appropriate for me to express my opinion.

Dear Norainon Othman,
Harian Metro

I read your article about same sex relationship after a friend alerted me about it. Based on your writing, I take it that you don’t have a friend who is gay or know any gay people close enough to discuss the matter. But that’s ok because to write something you should know you subject matter, which I presumed you did a research beforehand.

Unfortunately, I have to say that I am disappointed after reading it. Obviously when you wrote that you would like to dig deep into this issue, I assumed that you would go back to basics and provide interesting insights. I am not a writer but how lame it is when I noticed that you failed the fundamental element of writing. There were no scientific or even academic studies cited to prove your points. All that present were the interviews with some government officials or some sort and even that were cited without statistics. The fact that you only wrote one side of the story and did not offer a perspective from the lesbian side makes your article less credential that it is already.

By the way, if you do interview lesbians, please make sure they are credible enough to offer mature and intelligent statements. Not just some kids who aren’t sure what they want and just wasting their life pretending to themselves and to the world that this is the lifestyle they want. But I guess it would be hard to find one because no lesbians in their right mind would risk talking to you.

I’m in awe when the Chairman of Sidim, someone who I assumed to be educated as he holds a high position, mentioned that animals don’t have a same sex relationship. Perhaps he and you would like to check with Oregon Health and Science University School of Medicine about one of the studies that confirmed that brain anatomy and hormone production play some parts behind the homosexuality found in sheep. Have you heard the news about Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins at the Central Park Zoo in New York? They made headlines when they, along with six other same-sex couples among penguins, were discovered. The same thing happened at Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen, Germany in 2005. I think it’s sufficient to say that there are many more examples of gay animals. You should dig them out you know. It’s your job after all.

President of Pekemas dares mentioned that this issue stem from the influences of pornography from CDs and Internet. This actually shocks me. What is this? Some kind of jokes? Have you seen a pornographic video of two women having sex, Ms Norainon? It is a disgrace and disgusting to watch, let alone to even suggest that this is one of the reasons women became a lesbian. Sex scenes in these videos are so downright dirty and demeaning to all women that they will actually turn you off and make you puke. These videos are for sick-minded and sex-starved men who can’t do much but fantasize about what they can’t have.

There may be some truth in the claim that some women who were terribly affected by the trauma or abuse in their life could develop an attachment to other women over times but that doesn't mean that they are gay, be it sexually or not. That's only because of the security and emotional needs that were provided by these other women. However, a lot of gay people also grew up in a happy and healthy surrounding as demonstrated by a few of my friends. Thus, the root of homosexuality can’t be pinpointed to just psychological reasons but also biological ones.

But it is absurd and laughable to say that some women become a lesbian because they do not want their freedom taken away by men. Do you know that many modern women prefer to be singles but are not lesbians!? Some single women prefer to have a male fuck buddy instead of a husband. And some gay women prefer to be single without being in a relationship. Believe it or not, we lead a solitary yet satisfied life. We may have feelings for women, but it doesn’t mean we have to act on it.

By suggesting that the government do something to prevent it from spreading, do you think it’s some sort of a disease or something that can be cured? Existing syariah law doesn’t stop married people from committing adultery or prevent people from having sex out of wedlock. And existing law also doesn’t stop the children from being molested by sick paedophiles. What make you think that the law can stop the world from being cursed by God already? And what makes you think that a law can stop someone from being a lesbian? It’s not like a woman could just wake up one day and decide to break the law by being a lesbian. Duh!

“Oh by the way mum, today I decide to be a lesbian just to annoy you and dad!” Or, “I got my heart broken and I hate men, so today I will turn lesbian.” What a funny notion. Where do you live, Norainon? It doesn't happen overnight. People can’t just switch on and off their sexuality to suit their need. And just for the record, women don't become a lesbian. We either are or aren't.

It looks to me that homosexuals are being treated like a third class citizen even though we contribute to the wellbeing of the country just as everyone else. Just look at some of the female engineers at Petronas, Shell or whatever. I bet my life that some are lesbians. What about some government officials or the people in the medical professions? Think about sportswomen, lawyers, lecturers or even politicians. Do you punish us all for being a lesbian? Do you oppress and discriminate us just because of our sexual preference? Does it make any difference to our work performance if you knew with whom we perform in bed?

Stop this bigotry and open your ears. I’m sure you don’t do that to any heterosexuals as that is deemed inappropriate and unprofessional. So what makes you think you can do that to homosexuals? At least we are intelligent enough to adopt the US Army motto of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell or else we would be oppressed and humiliated beyond repair.

The truth is we know rights from wrongs. By all means do provide support, counseling and religious classes for those who seek help. But you don’t have to lay blames and condemn us because we ourselves have been surrounded by guilt since forever. Please don’t add any more complication to our already complicated life. You are just going to drive us deeper underground.

the day I wrote about a serious issue

It feels a little lonely to spend the festive season here instead of in Malaysia. But beggar can't be choosy, can she? :)

I hope everyone else is having a good time celebrating and I can't wait for 2008 to come. Thank God I was not caught in the madness of boxing day sales. It was never for me, and I had no intention to even step foot in Oxford Street at this time of the year. Mad!

Today I got a call from T who is having a problem with her boyfriend, asking if I could take her out. Since not much is happening I just took her to a girls club in Soho, with no intention of cruising or whatsover. We just wanted to unwind and relax and before the club closes we walked to another to find that most clubs are also closing as they're kinda dead anyway.

We ended up in a bar chatting and laughing away in a little corner when suddenly I found that we were surrounded by a bunch of men. They seem nice in the beginning but after a few minutes they started making innuendos that they wouldn't mind a threesome.

Initially, I find it funny and told them that I'm not interested in men and T told them that she too is a lesbian just to get them away. I got pissed off when these slimy, dodgy men were trying to convince me that I just haven't met the right man.

Excuse me? Which part of lesbianism that some people don't understand?

Let's be honest here. When people hear anything about lesbians, all they think about is sex. And it makes me even mad when people started wiggling the tongue. Gross! I dunno why but I got a vibe that that doesn't normally happen when it involves gay men. Unfortunately to us we have been portrayed as the sex maniacs or have become the butt of a joke or a pervert or something. Dang! If you are straight, look at the men or women around you now. Do you fancy them and want to sleep with all of them? No? Then what makes you think that I fancy all women I see?

The most important part that people need to understand is homosexuality is not all about sex. Most women find a special enjoyment being in the company of other women. There is more understanding on all levels; intellectual, emotional, sensual. Women understand what women mean when they talk, just as men understand men. Women relate to each other better than they do to men. If you take the sex part (and religious) out, it makes sense that two women would want to be together.

Let's face it, we (and when I say we I mean LGBT) did not choose this path or that we had the option of being gays, or not. Do you think that we enjoy and we want to be ostracised by the society? Do you think it's fun being alienated and live our lives the hard way? Having to hide our true self, being forced to lie, being harassed, oppressed and discriminated against? Trust me, no one wants that kind of life. Definitely not me.

You know the stories you read in the tabloid lately about young women with many lesbian lovers and runaway lesbians are just stories. Some of them are kids who do not know what it means to be gay. They are still 'budak hingusan' and rebels. Because of the social stigma attached to homosexuality, most parents try to point fingers at someone when their daughters 'turned out' that way. They blamed their daughters' lesbian friends or tv programs for the negative influence. Look. Just step back a little, listen and learn. Don't shut them out. Nothing good will ever came out if people started pointing fingers at each other.

And get real! It's neither a trend nor a phase.

If after reading this you think that I am brave, bold, adventurous and independent, think again. I am a chicken shit. Just like the rest of other people, I am the same person since I was born, the same person that my parents raised and the same just as before I come out.

The truth is I and I can say that most of us are scared that if we come out of the closet we will lose the love of the most important people in our lives, our parents and families. All we ever wanted to know is that we are still loved no matter who we are or what sexual orientation we have. Nothing more, nothing less.

And today, the 12th year since my mother passed away, I need to reaffirm my own belief that my mother and father would still love me if they had known the truth.

of mantras

It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon.

I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.

No bullshit!

Come on, Ewok!

tales of the dales

The last few days have been quite alright I think. I didn't think about the heartache too much. Instead I went out of London to the little town where everything started.

It was really good to see Gaz and family again after almost 3 years. He bought a farm and has started producing his own ice cream. It looks like his business has grown and will continue to grow. A few months back he even offered me to work for him again with lots of incentives thrown together. Although I like him and the job, I feel that my heart is now in London.

As for Clarky, he has become little mature but he never lost his charm and as witty as ever. Well, except that he lost his front tooth. Ha ha!

They were a bit surprised to learn that K and I are no longer together and I was bombarded with the inevitable questions. But instead of feeling sad and depressed I felt really good talking about it. It was as if I'm letting go.

I am glad that I went up north just to clear my head. Maybe I should go out of town more often.

The only thing that made me sad is knowing K is sick :(