of weddings and losing weight

I have two weddings at the end of this year. Did I tell you I actually don't like this kind of gathering? or in fact, any kind of gatherings with too many crowd. Well, yeah. So I have these weddings, one in September in Poland, and another in December in Malaysia.

My right hand man at work has invited me, and since we have gotten very close over the last 3 years, I said I'd go. It will be kinda different because I've never been to a Polish wedding before. The Mentor was also invited, and we have already make plans to hire a car and drive around in the country. She warned me not to get too drunk like them Poles since they are well known for being heavy vodka drinkers. Heh, as if la boss.

I was told that the bride's mother is so excited that I'm coming, it seems like she is so eager to meet me after hearing all about me. I hope she didn't hear anything bad though. I told the bride that we would be just like cats and dogs since I wouldn't be able to understand her at all because she doesn't know a word of English. I can get by with a few Polish phrases especially the cursing words, but I don't think they will be pleased to hear that.

Another wedding is in Muar. I called it My Best Friend's Wedding. Not too worry, I won't do a Julia Roberts to you guys. Hehe. I don't know yet whether I can make it or not. I feel it's not fair to her if I didn't go because how could a person do that to her best friend, right? If I'm not thinking straight, I would just go on impulse and buy the ticket and fly home, but I have many issues to consider before I could make a decision. I honestly want to be there but my desire cannot rule my reality. For that, I, your humble friend, would like to apologise for it.

It would be great to be back even if it's just for a week. Just to touch base. And probably surprise people with me losing more weight. Hehe. Of course, that is one of the things people must do to attend weddings. I have to find the right dresses, the right shoes, the right gifts bla bla bla. I promise not to buy a toaster or a set of juice glasses. No photo album and not another kettle either. Ahaks.

So yeah, it has been an uphill struggle to lose weight. I have a diet buddy and for the last few months it seemed like it was working fine. Unfortunately for both of us, we have taken a break at the same time and now my weight has shoot up again. I think it's time to get back in the game.

Though I think I was doing fine actually. In the last few days, I have forgotten to eat. Ok ok, it's not good for the body but when I am happy, I would be eating all the time and that didn't help either. But the things is when I have many things in my head, the body automatically switched to no food zone. Yesterday, I only managed to grab a bite of tasteless tuna sandwich for lunch and nothing for dinner. And the day before that I don't remember eating at all. If I go on like this, I'd be pencil thin by next month. Ahaks, wishful thinking ewok, wishful thinking.

Tonight, however, it's makan time! We are celebrating AG's birthday. I wish you have a long life ahead, sifu. It has been a pleasure knowing you.

of being ice cube

My darling PS said I'm like an ice cube. Tuang air je senang cair and I'm easy to become another cube when needed. Hummmppp... I thought I'm more like a bird, but you have been with me during my ups and downs and you know me well, inside and out.

You could be right babe, but you know what? I didn't ask to be built this way. And after all these years, I don't think I can change. I might be an ice cube but definitely not an ice queen. Heh.

More than often I wonder how to be one, but in the end my conscience will hold me back. So, I guess there's nothing else to do then except walk away, again.

One thing for sure is that my life here is not done.

I miss you, CJ and JackJack. So much.

of being scared

Last night before I went to sleep, I asked a friend about dreams and nightmare. A very bad mistake! I shouldn't have asked.

I had not one but 3 nightmares.

One, as I remember vaguely, I was looking at a car crash in the making in slow motion. Two women suddenly crashed into a wall and blood was all over the place. The car was beyond repair and one woman came out with one eye popped out.

Two, there was a girl in a red car. The rear door was opened and I can see her struggling on the back seat, fighting off an evil plant that was trying to kill her.

Three, this is the scariest because it seemed real. A figure in black hooded cloak walked into the room through the back door and was walking toward me. I saw it and I wanted to ask for help but I was unable to scream. It was like my lips are sealed. I think I was really trashing in my sleep that I might have disturbed the whole neighborhood. When I finally woke up, I went to shut that door straight away.

Damn door! If it's shut then I will feel like I'm in a desert in Afrika, and now I can't have it open because I am scared that some stranger may actually walk in during the night.

I won't be able to sleep either way now. But that would probably make someone happy because I won't be throwing my arms and legs all over the bed and disturb her sleep.

I have never been scared like this before. I had dreams where I cried in my sleep but not this. I'm awake but I'm just too scared to go back to sleep.

Bloody hell! I die a thousand death la. A cat just walked pass the window and scared the hell out of me. Mmmm... I just can't win, can I? Even a cat can scare me now. Eh, I ain't got 9 lives ya know. Aiyaa.. I think I'd just go back under the duvet and try to close my eyes again.

a promise to myself

As I was sitting in the tube last night, suddenly there was a rush of feelings running havoc inside of me. I've been busy maintaining dignity and being peaceful, it's tempting to think that I'm detached and there's no place for big feelings.

Well, it doesn't work that way. I know it's ok to feel angry when someone really hacks me off. It's ok to feel huge sadness and grief when I lose a loved one. And it's ok to feel tremendous joy. Sitting on my feelings isn't a good idea. They just get squashed that way.

Sometimes I grieve silently when people talked about their parents. Just listening to them talking about summer holidays and spending time with their families makes me envy them. Technically, I am an orphan, but after so many years of trying to maintain dignity and appearance by not showing that I am weak or out of control, I know it didn't do me any good, even though I was trying to get over the difficult times.

I brought these feelings with me but I just have to learn to walk away. I know we all hate to fail, hate to give up, hate to give in. Sometimes things are simply not going to happen the way we want and when shit happens, we have to learn to shrug and walk away with our pride intact.

In recent times, there were moments when I feel that I want to get even but being slightly older and wiser, it's just a total waste of time. Yeah, I do think that I am a little wiser now and I would walk away from such stupid feeling.

There is no one else. No matter how much I want to remain as a child (sometimes I act like one too), I am all grown-up and I'm on my own now. That's a fact. It does sound scary and believe me it is terrifying because whether I like it or not, all I got is myself. But I'm not going to let the situation controls me. I choose how to make my bed with every action and every decision.

It's like an instant karma. It is my bed and I am going to lie in it. Everything I do will dictate whether my life is going to run happily or badly. And whatever I do and how I do it will come back to me in spades.

However rushed and fraught I am, I'm making a promise to myself that I should always make the effort to do the right thing and remember good manners. At least I want to try because they cost nothing and yet can generate goodwill and make everyone's life (including mine) much better and pleasant. A simple thank you, a little politeness and being hospitable go a long long way.

We all lead increasingly busy, frantic lives. We all get caught up in chaotic lives to such extent that we lose sight of where we were going and what we were going to achieve. It's time to take a little break, look back, touch base and move on.

A man with an impressive name, Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi said, 'The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles.'

I can vouch that what he said is true. Now it's my turn to listen.

kwik fit

These last few days, I sakit pinggang. If at KL, sure I zoom to zen soul for their heavenly massage. Oh how I miss the city and the good people. Sigh.

Semalam my friend came back happy. She met Colin Firth. Gila best! She even served him. Waahhhhhhh... Why I tak jumpa famous people this year ek? Bad luck ke apa..

bodoh..

Americans are Idiot! Ade ke patut they voted Mandisa out...

tak puas hati siot! this can't be right. telinga they all tersumbat ke apa? Cissss..

of mirror image

It's very tiring driving around the country in the heat. Yes, it's getting very warm in the last few days. In fact, just being in the flat makes me feel like I am in Africa. It doesn't help that the rest of the occupants actually like the warmth. I would love to sleep in the nude, but since it's not possible, I resort to opening the door at night.

On Tuesday, I was in Whitby Abbey near Scarborough and spent the night in Peterlee. The next day, I was sent running around in Yorkshire meeting a few people. I was about to drive to Nottingham when I got a call from The Mentor telling me to go home because the office has messed up thing.

Ah well. I was quite happy to go home.

Yesterday, I met The Mentor at the office, discussing about our events for this season. Starting from next weekend until the end of August, I will be working almost every weekend. It's too bad that even on my birthday I have to work. Sigh.

Last night, after I left the office, she rang me and asked to stop at services for dinner with her. It has been awhile since I last had a long chat so I agreed to it. I kinda miss talking to her. She can really boost my spirit. Not many people can have a good relationship with their boss, but to me, she is also a friend.

Sometimes I think that she is the older version of me. She led a double lives, trying to fit herself in two worlds. But on the other hand, she doesn't give a damn about what people think, and she believes that one should have the freedom to do as what one pleases. That's what I like about her and I guess that's why we bonded.

It's quite spooky knowing people who actually echo my path. I have spoken to her about what she's been through and there were times I felt like we were of mirror image in terms of our experience, except she didn't have the freedom that I have. And it's even spookier (ada ke word ni) when I see someone younger trailling behind, taking almost the same path that I took.

Many a times I thought about the life and the people back home. Somehow, it's affecting the choices I have, making life more confusing. Will I be able to fit into the life I think I want to have?

Mary J. Blige, in an interview at Radio 1, said 'Life is not about holding yourself in a storm, but running around in the rain'.

choc

Does melted chocolate rasanya sama macam unmelted ones? Or does it taste bbetter?

of super duper and food

She has been in the limelight for quite some time. Fighting for her own cause, defending her beloved. I guess behind a fallen man, stood a woman.

I have never been interested in politics, unlike my parents who were pro gomen. Even my sister, at one point, was a ketua wanita before she became a rebel. No sire, not me. I know how to fight and I know how to work hard, but I dunno how to kiss arse. So, there goes my political career down the drain.

When one man came to town for an annual lecture, I figured I'd just go to hear what he has to say. Who knows whether he actually changed? The hard years he spent in the prison was actually showing on his face. Old age is catching up quite fast. He looks tired, and lack sparks. While he was on stage, I, on the other hand, started to stare blankly into the space. And just like me, some people began daydreaming and ogling one cute guy (one reason to stay put) :)

The only thing that pulled me back to reality was the news that his wife is my super super duper senior at SNC. Oh wow! I didn't know that. Where have I been all this time when she started her political career?

I made a promise there and then, one way or the other, I will introduce myself or get someone to introduce me as her junior. Hey, no harms what. I am no one's crony. Once that was done and out of the way, it was time for feasting.
Give me just about anything and I would clean up the plates. So, we all headed down to the ever faithful old dutch for pancakes again. I especially recommend the creamy spinach & cheese, banana with choc sauce & ice cream, and err... all lah! abis citer.

---

It's like having fresh pair of eyes and adding new adventures to a boring routine. Imagine after all these years of not having a melayu speaking friend in London, I was suddenly being bombarded with a few. Not entirely bad though. It feels like home a little.

I admit that I have been avoiding any kind of interaction because, if you really want to know, melayus here are sombong. Ok, maybe not all and they are prolly not sombong, it's just that they won't tegur you or they act as if they are not interested to know you. The ones I met the first year I was here and in Manchester confirmed my 'accusation' and strengthen my principle to avoid these people. They are so much different from the friendly malaysians in the States.

This last few weeks, however, I speak melayu everyday and makan at mawar twice a week. Ahakss... old age is catching up on me too! But one fact remains true, you won't see me mingling with snobs or smile to that rude waitress. Get a life, kiddo!

Oh! I suddenly remember that my roommate said I am not a kampong girl. Aiyaa... I seriously can't remember what we were talking about but I would like to stress that I am still one. Betul, tak tipu lah.

I don't think that just because I live here, all that will change. And the fact that I started to feel a deep love for London doesn't change that either. On the contrary, the longing for everything malaysian is getting bigger than ever.

from Icelandic exhibition

sunday outing

Pehal lak haloscan buat hal ni? Essshh... tak kuasa!

---

In my attempt to lose weight, semalam I went jalan2 again in the centre with one minah arab ni. (she's well in case her friends are wondering. oh except dia ni tak mau makan la)

Well, I found out that the science museum is having an exhibition of Iceland, so I thought it's probably good to go and see. I always whine about London being cold, so if I go and compare how much colder Iceland is, I can stop whining.

Once we got there, the security asked to check my bag. Errr... hello? I was with an arab girl, and you checked my bag not hers? Cehh! Muka I muka terrorist ke? And minah ni siap buat lawak pulak saying that it's obvious they won't find bomb in her bag, so they would check the accomplice. Hhehehe... very funny, girl.

At the entrance hall of the exhibition, I was blown away by one of the most breathtaking pictures I have ever seen. I was feeling exactly like what I felt on the bridge on Friday.

It is quite informative but too little stuff. The demo guy did say that Iceland actually sits on 5 err.. volcanoes?(tak berapa ingat what he said) thus making the water around the country warm all year round.

Ah well, there goes my chance to compare. Nothing beats London. I can still whine about it being too cold.

After that we went towards Piccadilly Circus, and later stopped at Covent Garden for tea and scones. Kekonon nak ajar budak arab ni makan scone macam orang Inggeris. Ahaksss.

So much so for losing weight, I walloped all the jam and cream. Aiyaaaa. First I finished mine, then I got hers as well. The girl behind the counter didn't give enough la.

We stopped to watch street theatre for a while before heading back. Aaahhh... sedapnya dapat duduk in tube. Penat arrrr.

playing tourist guide

After a stressful mid week, and a bad back after my red haired cousin came to visit, having an afternoon off on Friday was much welcomed.

Off I went to the central, playing a tourist guide to a friend. The best way to see London is on foot, only then you can see everything, get lost and later find your way around. I think I was being a very bad guide. Tak pandai... hehe.

We met another friend and went to see Jimmy Choo's picture at the National Portrait Gallery, then had excellent 2 pieces of pancakes at My Old Dutch. Pancakes with chocolate sauce, what more can one ask?

After all that devilish pancakes, I know I had to burn all that calories. We sent a friend off for her to take the tube to go to her birthday dinner at the Holiday Villa.

From Holborn, I wasn't sure where we were heading to. The two of us just walked to wherever our feet took us. At the end of the road, I realised that we were at The Strand. So, I said that we should cross the bridge and just walk along the Thames.

It was a beautiful night. Just magnificent!

I wonder with all that views and solitude, how a person could give up this city. When we stopped at the bridge and looked across at the Big Ben and London Eye, I felt like I was destined to be here. Like no one could ever take this away from me (except myself). Though it was cold with the wind hitting my face, it was very peaceful and soothing to the soul. I could stand there for hours and just... enjoy.

We went walking towards the buck palace, passing St. James' Park. Unfortunately, the Queen wasn't home to invite us for a bowl of mee curry so we head down to Hyde Park instead. I spotted a few chaps skating and I suddenly remembered that it was Friday Night Skate. Usually, on a friday night, hundreds of Londoners go ballistic with skating. I thought we could sit around and watch them but I was disappointed when one of them told us that it was cancelled due to the wet weather.

Finally we decided to cut across Hyde Park and walk to Mawar for our teh tariks. It was quite a long cut, I tell ya. Berpeluh sakan. Got there in less than 30 minutes, but it was packed with Msians. It could be either because it was a friday nite or they just got their wages. Ahakss.

So, no teh tarik for us and we ended up at Deep Pan Pizza instead. So bloody tired after all that walk, but it was a damn good one. I had to find out how far we had walked, so I googled journey planner. I can't believe it was almost 10 kms. It was like walking from Alor Setar to home. Weeehoooo... I got a new record for walking!

Gaaagaaaa...

a bad day

Often people tell me that they were puzzled by my ability to keep smiling all day, no matter what situation I was in. Yeah that puzzles me too. I wonder how I can be cheerful on command. And most of the times, I put on a smiley mask.

I do not like people to know that I was unhappy. I do not fancy them asking how I was coping. I'm reserved, and hate to discuss my feelings or things in my head. I do not feel the need to justify anything and I am sure they do not really want to listen. So, why bother?

When I faced dodgy situations, being grumpy won't help ease me. Lagi tension.

However, today at the office, I am so monyok. I had quite about enough with one guy. He acts as if he does all the work, talk cock and likes ordering me around.

When he saw me across the hallway, he raised his voice, 'E, tell me what we have to do with Victoria Apollo?'

we? We? WE?

Shithead! He does this to me all the time! We this. We that. Bloody hell! It was all me, ok!

me. me. me. ME.

He is loud when he's with me, showing off lah tu. Kekonon dia yang plan semua benda and macam lah we are a team. I asked him to help (I never asked for help and believe me when I ask, mesti because I kenot do it myself), instead he keeps talking nonsense, giving me suggestions la, suruh ikut cam ni lah, round and round and round. In the end, aku jugak yang buat semua bende. I felt like crying. Itu yang keluar poem bodoh tu.

Penat lah aku dengan selfish people like him.

The Mentor once said she was amazed that I always do favours to people but never asked anything in return. Tah la. That's me. Biar aku susah sendiri, senang together. Errr...

Anyway, when I leave the company at the end of this year (I plan to, hopefully), I am not going to tell them anything about my work. Let them find out and hang themselves. Let them figure out all about events, and how difficult it is to manage the vans all over the country.

Today she devised a plan for us when we leave. I was told not to leave any forms or traces of paperworks other than the important spreadsheets. Hahaaha... Biar padan muka. Bagus betul mentor aku ni.

If I die tomorrow

If I die tomorrow,
allow me to say I love you always,
permit me to see last bit of sunshine,
let me know that you care, today.

Forgive me if you see my dirty side,
remember me for my heart,
give me a butterfly kiss for me to keep.

Please bring lilies to my funeral,
bring your own mug for a cuppa,
don't forget to bring a smile,
for I have lived and known you.

If I die tomorrow.

pay me back asap!

I have been very patient. I told Marc that I was going to send a bitchy email to her, but this is all I can came up with. Why can't I be nasty to people? Sigh. I'm too soft.

Dear M & L,

I hope you are ok. I know this is going to sound harsh because you're expecting a baby, but I haven't heard from you regarding the payment that you said you were going to bank in early this month. It has been almost 3 months since I came back and I haven't received a single penny. The total you owe me is £xxx. I have been very patient, but you know what? Just like you, I have to live and eat too plus all the expenses I have to pay. I am broke.

If I were a bank or debt collector, you would have find the money to pay me back fast. I can't wait anymore.

Please pay ASAP.
Bank in money into my account here.
HSBC Bank
Account name is: Miss S R B R
Account no: xxxxxxxx
Sort code: xx-xx-xx
Branch: S

nuts!

On Friday, a friend of mine went back home after spending 3 months in the UK. He misses kids and wife. He's a good man.

We had a little chat the night before he left. I told him that I'm quite bored living here and he said maybe it's time for me to find a partner.

Huh??

I tell you what, mate. I'm giving up hope and I don't really care anymore if I have a partner or not for two reasons.

One, I have a commitment phobia after observing other relationships that didn't work, including the ones in the family. Two, Malay men do not want someone like me. They are scared of independent women because all in all they just want to be dominant, and with us they can't.

CJ's brother admitted to me when we were drinking our teh tariks not too long ago. He doesn't want a woman like his sister. He said she is too opinionated and too much to handle.

That got my blood boiling. Why do you want to handle us, you bloody nutter!? And don't you start talking about IFL. If I can blow up the rest of the psychomen, I would!

my wasted free time

For the last few weeks, I'm enjoying quite a number of tv shows.

1) American Idol - Chris and Mendisa have great voice!

2) Shipwrecked 2006- I know it looks kinda stupid, but hey, I just wanna relax my mind and not do any thing. Besides, the 2 tribes are quite entertaining albeit they hardly do any challenges like Survivor.

3) The Apprentice - I just love the way Sir Alan Sugar say, 'you're bloody nutter!' And Jo is so funny to watch and Syed is a cheeky one. Jo is quite emotional and transparent just like a colleague of mine. She cries easily in the office and walks around without shoes.

4) Planet Earth - you can't miss this as it has some of the most beautiful shots and locations in the world. Places that we could never ever dream of going. Breathtaking! Am watching piranhas now!

5) CSI - Ahh... Grissom.

the show must go on

Today, supposedly, is the last day I can stay in this country. It was stamped in my passport. However, since my passport is with the Home Office, I can't seem to go anywhere.

I received a message from a friend asking me to take them around to Rome and Venice for a few days. I would love to, if I can, but as it is, I can't. Then I received a wedding invitation ( another one), and what do you know? It's in Poland and I can't go.

I dunno what's with these Poles lately. Many of them at the factory are getting hitched and since basically I was resposible for bringing them over here, I was invited to every single wedding. I wish I can go. I heard that their weddings go on for 3 days of partying and drinking non-stop. There's another wedding in Sept., which I don't think I can go (again!) because I'd be busy with events. Sigh.

It sucks!

I used to like doing events, especially when I get to go to old castles and medieval festivals. It's quite interesting the first time, but it gets bored as they're always the same. Nothing changes.

The most memorable event I had done is the Bristol Balloon Festival 3 years ago. It was the craziest and the busiest event ever, and the truth was I could not do another like it. It was the most tiring of them all. Over 4 days, they had free concert in the park and I think we had over 12 vans and trailers.

Gaz, my old boss, was on his feet all day and night long, and the runners had to keep restocking all vans every 30 minutes. And since the park was full with people sitting everywhere, there was no way they could get through easily.

On the first morning, when the boss parked all vans (some in the middle of empty park) I thought to myself, who the heck is going to buy? By mid-morning, I had my answer. We were so fucking busy and didn't even have time to go to the loo. Basically, we were opened from 9am till 11pm. Even after we were closed, a few of us (me included) had to replenish every van and that took a few more hours to finish.

On the third day, I was asked to get some more stocks from a local distributor. Considering it was on a Saturday, and no one here work on that day, I had to go through hell to find one. Gila!

By the end of the last day, Gaz, Jim and Andrew had blisters on their feet from too much walking and carrying stocks all over the place. All of us were dead tired as we had just a few hours of sleep everyday.

I wondered whether it was worth all the efforts, but when I heard the boss raked up more than 90K in that 4 days, it was definitely worth it for him, though he said he would never bid for that kind of event again. Memang gila!

As for me, I'm just quite happy to handle small events. The most I had is just 4 vans and it had me going crazy because I had no support from the office. I'm all one woman show!

Leech

She saw them swimming. All three of them. Naked. Maybe there were a few more nearby but she didn't want to know about the rest. She was only interested in them.

She stood on the steps and looked at them with a smile on her face. They looked happy and carefree like the world belongs to them. When they emerged from under the water, their dark skins glistening from the heat of the sun.

From where she can see them, she figured they were still young. They still have so much to learn. There’s no denying that they are not too big in size either. Given time, they would make up on that. Yet, she was fascinated by the way they swim.

They looked like they were actually dancing in the water. They glided effortlessly and moved gracefully. When they came up for some air, it was as if they were kissing each other’s cheeks. When they sensed that someone was looking, they dived underneath. As if they were shy and embarrassed that she saw a private moment.

She wanted to know what they were thinking. Or what it was like to be them. Yet, when she yelled the questions, they pretended they didn’t hear her. They turned their backs and swam further.

She had to stop them. She wasn’t ready for them to leave and she knew she had to do something about it so she put one foot in the murky water. Enticing them with what she has. She has learnt of thing they like most so she used that knowledge to get them to come to her.

They didn’t hear her, but they felt her stirring the water. They sensed her need and they got a whiff of her smell and her blood.

They knew she was teasing them. They knew that the moment they reached her, she would pull her foot out of the water, but they cannot help but swimming closer.

She was that kind of a woman. A teaser. One who would do anything just so she could get her way. One who would give a sultry glance and flaunt her beauty. The gestures had come naturally. Perhaps, in her past life, she had been a bit of a temptress. She liked the idea. It felt just about right. Their personalities were so strong that she needed something to help keep them in line.

Yet, she wasn’t solely to blame.

They were part of this game. This was how they were brought up. If they were happy, they would not go looking for excitement out of their boundaries. The truth was that they were hungry for more. Common things at home were no longer exciting for them. They want a red blooded one.

She was still there.

They wanted to kiss her feet, rub her knees and move up to her thighs. When they find the right moment, they would sink their little fangs into her flesh.

She would not even scream.



12 Dec 2003