a note to Sayang

"Dearest Sayang,

I am very sorry for subjecting you to this pain and hurt that I myself inflicted upon you. I promise I will try to have less demands. I will try to control my jealousy and the sharp feelings I get every time I think about the life you have without me.

I can't imagine my life without you and if I could only get a little piece of you I should be happy and grateful for your love. It should be enough and I have to learn not to be greedy in wanting more.

You have given me more than I could ever asked for. You have saved me, trusted me and gave me guidance in finding the way back to life. You believe in me and you care. And for all that you have shown and given I am humbled by your compassion and your love.

It is unfortunate that we fell in love under the circumstances. This is the hardest and the most grueling relationship ever faced by either one of us and with it comes the additional stress and pressure.

I know there were many times when you felt like quitting because the burden is too great to handle. I also know that it has crossed your mind that this relationship is not worth the risks you are taking. You have a great and wonderful life and it is something that is not worth giving up to be with me. I don't even have anything to offer to you because everything I have or everything that I am is out weighted by my shortcomings.

It is ironic that two weeks ago I asked you the meaning of the word peripheral. Today I accepted the fact that I am just a peripheral in your life even though I know you would say otherwise. I know sometimes you think I expect too much from you. Funny enough, last week after you spent the weekend with me, I realised you are not mine to begin with. Therefore I could not ask for more than what you can give.

I remember you once said that everyone is equal but some are more equal than the others. I did not get it at that time but when I looked at our situation I think it is slightly clearer to me now. We may be equal but we are not on the same page. I looked down at my feet to see myself and I looked into your face. You are far more sophisticated and intelligent and sometimes I feel intimidated because somehow I am not enough for you. This is something I have to work out and overcome.

In the next few years I may be still not enough or good for you but nothing can beat the feelings, the love and the hots I have for you. You are the one I give my heart to and the one I want to be with.

Regards,

Your Sayang"

Eight months and counting

Wow! It's almost 8 months I abandoned this blog. Not that I have a new one nor would I neglect the one thing that kept me sane for the last 4 years. But life seems to move forward and time just passed so quickly.

I heard from a grapevine there seems to be some kind of gossips about my revealing story. It's all old news babes. Move on.

There are lots of things going for me, and the most important one is there's someone who loves me and gives me strength to face the new days. She is the most amazing and wonderful person and I know I finally found someone who really cares.

It's all going well.

Although, I have to say that The Mentor still scolds me over crappy and silly things I came up with even after I quit working for her. But one lesson I learned from The Mentor is that you only need certain people in your life. People who care for you, support you when you need them and who would be there for you during the good and bad times. Choose your true friends, and leave the peripherals out.

loved

i) being in love

ii) being kissed by you

iii) being able to touch your face

iv) being in bed with you

v) being able to see you smile

vi) being cared for

vii) being touched

viii) being missed

ix) being able to talk to you

x) being able to joke and laugh

xi) being made to think sensibly

xii) being accountable

xiii) being your love

xiv) being amazed by you

xv) being whole when you are with me

Sleep deprivation and sex are good for the soul

I love sex. Tell me who doesn’t?

Comparing her non-existance sway of a dance with sex was so wrong. She blushed when she tried to explain her reasoning for watching me moved to the music. She was adorable when she was being soppy. She was sweet when she was being sweet on me.

I thought I could go on forever.

here without you

To my Sayang, I want you more than ever

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

please tell her

I missed her.

I missed her voice and her sweet smile. I missed looking at her laughing eyes when she tried to wind me up. I loved her chuckles when she laughed at my sillyness.

Please someone tell her that I am here waiting for her to come and sweep me off my feet. Tell her that she lights my fire and I am hers if she would have me.

God sent me you

Tonight I'm thinking about you again
I know you are a part of someone else's life
but for me you are my life
you have touched my soul
I didn't know I could love anyone
as much as I love you.
I hope this kind of magic stays
forever between us two,
and the whole wide world will know
I am lucky
that God sent me you

of being vulnerable

I'm aloof and distant. I'm rough and tough. I'm independent and self-sufficient. I looked confident. I may sound selfish and spoilt to someone who doesn't know me. I'm needy and I want to be pampered. I'm soft and shy. I lack confidence and self belief.

But she knows me well. She can read me like a book. I become vulnerable when she can break my barrier and the fences that I erected to protect myself. She could bring my defence down with just the snap of her fingers. And she's all I ever wanted.

the four-letter word part 2

It was a day later. A text came in @18:27

"I love you"


and the following day @10:29

"Hey baby did I tell you I love you?"


I'm on top of the world. Love you too Sayang!

the four-letter word

I will always remember this day. When I got to her place I found out she was really ill from food poisoning. The feeling of being protective and concern suddenly emerged from within. I didn't want her to suffer. Oh I would do anything to spare her the pain.

I wanted to care for her and love her and just be with her even if we didn't utter a single word. Just the thought of being close to her is enough. I want to wrap my arms around her and never let go. It's a wonderful feeling.

I had the most magical day of my life. Felt like I was living in a bubble and did not want anyone to burst it.

Today I told her I love her.

ultimatum

She laid an ultimatum. She won't tolerate it if I betrayed her and if I did it would be the end of us. What makes she thinks I would tolerate if the thing was reversed? Ok, so she hasn't betrayed me but what is going to stop her from doing it?

How could there be one rule for her and another set for me? Can I tolerate that? Is that a betrayal?

of respect and love

She dropped a bombshell on me.

She said I need to find someone who is available to me full time. I know. I know before we got together that this relationship is impossible. I know that she can't offer me more than what she has given. I know that I can't expect us to be like a normal couple who are free in showing their emotions and affection. But I don't want her to leave nor do I want to find someone else. I made up my mind and I'm sticking to my decision.

My mates have been telling me that there's so many obstacles between us and it would have never worked out. To be honest, yes I agree with them. The lists could fill up the wall in my bedroom if I were to think of them. If I were to follow my head then I would have to put a stop to everything and stop seeing her. But no matter what they said - that this is wrong - I can't stop the feeling I developed for her.

From the very beginning, and this was some years ago, I was comfortable being with her. She made me feel like I was somebody and I felt appreciated. She cares and is interested with what's going on in my life. Every time she embraced me, I felt a twinge of happiness and jealousy. Happy because I like her and that she's been wonderful to me. I was also jealous for the people in her life who have been on the receiving end of her warmth, kindness and affection. I wanted to be one of them. I realised now that I wanted to be special to her.

Every time I saw her, she managed to put a smile on my face, and when I didn't see her I could get by just by talking to her. I remember telling her about my family and friends. I opened up to her bits by bits. The respect I have for her is enormous. I value and appreciate her and care for her. Then it finally clicked. I must have loved her for a while now.

diversion and jealousy

I have a nasty streak that surfaced every once in a while. She's even worried that one day I might lose control over it and would use it just to leash out and strike her just because I was hurt. How could she think that I would do such thing to someone I love? She doesn't know that I would spare her all the hurt if I could, and I thought she knew me better.

Yes I am jealous. Isn't it natural to be jealous because you love someone? But I am all cock-and-bull false bravado. I would prefer to suffer on my own and rot to die.

Who am I to say anything? I can't even claim her as mine. She loves another, but to say that I am not jealous would be the understatement of the century.

So, what's left to do but for me to think that I am just an aberration or just a detour from her normal life. Something new and something exciting to spice up in life. I am trying to convince myself that all she wants is just an escape from all that pressure she has from work and family commitment. Everyone expects too much from her so she comes to me just to be herself and release that tension. I am sure when she had enough, she'd leave.

Some people often indulge themselves in some kind of forbidden thing, but when they lose interest it would be all over and they'd move on. Who knows, right?

the troublemaker

The feeling I have for her is getting stronger and stronger everyday.

If I don't hear her voice I would feel restless. At times I feel guilty for making her have feelings for me. She would have never went for me if she knew my real orientation. Maybe that knowledge somehow influenced her emotion towards me.

I can't help but thinking I'm the troublemaker here.

lies and excuses

Everything is so messed up. My life is taking a different turn and it seems to have make me confused. I can't even say the right words or do the right things. Words that came out of me seems to hurt her and I don't know how to make it better. To her they're all like poison.

She says I'm full of lies and excuses. Maybe I did lie because it's like second nature because if you're used to lying you just can't get rid of the habit overnight. But it wasn't my intention to hurt her at all.

On the other hand, sometimes my lies are to prevent or avoid confrontation. It's in me that I hate argument and I don't like being stuck in a heated conversation. I don't want to hurt anyone and I know I don't like her to be unhappy. I'd rather it was me that's hurting and suffering it all than seeing someone I love and care so much being upset and hurt.

you think you know

I always thought I know what kind of woman I want as a girlfriend. Passionate, thoughtful and caring. I also thought I want someone who is shy and weak that I could take care of. I thought I am the strong one hence the criteria.

When I watched the L Word, I used to fancy the socks of Bette but I didn't think she was my type. It never crossed my mind that all these while what I needed is the strong-willed and an alpha female to bring me back to reality. Another criterion that I overlooked was the status because just like everyone else I assumed that most women are single and unattached. Until I found my love.

I never realised that she was right in front of my eyes. I was oblivious to her feeling towards me. In my defence it's all down to a huge barrier between us. I knew I had some feelings for her but I also knew that she's everything I want and I can't have.

of my coming out story part 5

At the beginning of last year, I felt it was time to take another step and extend the discovery process beyond the cyber world and into the real world. There was a discussion and counseling group that meet every second and fourth Monday of the month at London Friend to talk about the issue of sexuality in a safe and friendly environment. And how apt it was that on the day I went, the topic was 'Am I, Aren't I? - Coming Out to Yourself'.

It finally clicked! Meeting people who are in the same boat made me realised I was not alone and talking about my fears and worries helps a lot. It dawned to me that working toward self-acceptance is the first step in coming out. It is the most important and often the most difficult step but it is better than living in the closet. It is a painful and lonely place to be especially if one stays there in order to survive; one would never survived! It takes a lot of energy to deny my feelings, and to be honest, denial can be costly.

At the ripe age of 33, I finally acknowledged and accepted myself. This was never a phase for me and I felt it was the most liberating feeling in the whole world. It felt like the weights on both shoulders have been lifted. Coming out to myself was the beginning of my not being angry anymore.

In fact, I believed it has helped me in developing a positive self-identity. I started to trust and believe in myself again. I also learn many valuable lessons about what the word friendship means. Friends that I thought would be the least judgmental were the first to drop me, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered the strongest support.

I have given hints to some friends through emails and phone calls but The Mentor was the first person I ever told face to face. It seemed appropriate for me to tell her since she took me under her wings and could read me like a book. When it finally came out of my mouth, I was already a nervous wreck and cried throughout the confession. She was the most supportive as ever and I couldn’t have ask for a better person to come out to. She encourages and pushes me to do more for myself. She sees the real person that I am and knew what I'm capable of. The thing that touched and humbled me the most is she believes in me at the time when I don't even have faith in myself. She is my rock and always will be.

I came to understand that the biggest hang-up was me. I was convinced everybody would have a horrible reaction to my coming out and would hate me. Soon after, it seems natural that I let my close friends know the real me. There were times when I thought I was ready to tell my sister, but then I chickened out. One day, I promised.

Coming out allows me to develop as a whole person. My confidence level has shot through the roof and I am comfortable with myself more than ever. It is honest and real, and it ends the stress of hiding and leading a double life. I started to listen to my deepest feelings and learn more about what homosexual is. The pre-conceived notions that gay people are freaks and sinful are from the stereotypical image that was badly represented but we are no different from the rest. The world would be a better place if people stopped labeling others and started respecting one another.

I realise it is not the faith that rejected people like me but it is the people of the faith that walked with holier than thou attitude. People who think that they are right and others are wrong. People who claimed they don't have any problems with gay people, but will add a 'but' at the end of their statement. People who refused to acknowledge that we existed and continue pretending as long as it is hidden.

I thank God that I am blessed with some friends who instead of preaching, they subtly invited me to the surau, which sometimes I graciously accepted, something I usually avoided in the past. To those who knew me, I thank you for being my friends and accepted and loved me as I am. I am still nowhere near perfect and as humble as ever but today, my spirituality is stronger and gentler. The God I know loves me and loves all those He has created.

As far as I can remember I have never been as happy and content in my life as I am these days. I am at peace and I love myself. That's all that matter. This is my coming out story. I have a long road ahead and it is very hard. I still have to fight to stay strong but I look forward to every new day, and I have never felt so free; no more headaches, no more stomach problems, no more misguided tortures. Just clear thinking. I found myself no longer in between.

And yes, I have always been different and I finally know why.

of my coming out story part 4

Everyone sees me as the tough one. My family thinks that I walk on water and I could accomplish anything and everything, but what they didn't know is that I'm very good at hiding my miseries and sorrows. I could get an Oscar for that.

I didn't have anyone to confide to. No one that cared enough and made extra initiative to know more about me. I do have a few good friends but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I didn't think they would understand what I was going through because they were not in my shoes. There was so much pain and frustration that I was disgusted with myself and began thinking of myself as a failure. I was scared of being rejected for who I am; hence I isolated myself and lived in hibernation. I was thinking that if I rejected them first, then they wouldn't have the chance to push me aside and eventually hurt my feelings.

After years of lying, pretending and thinking that I was sick and not normal, I couldn't continue the facade. I needed to get out and be me. I don't know how but a part of me found the courage to write about it although I didn't admit that I was a full blown gay. Subconsciously I chose the title of this blog as it is because I knew deep down that I was neither here nor there.

When I finally told my good friend PS, I said that I think I was a bisexual just because I thought it was safer since I was only half gay and half straight. I was afraid of the reaction. I expected her to be horrified and stop being my friend. Gosh! What a relief when that didn't happen!

I remember she said that whoever I am, I'm just like everyone else with emotions and needs and I just have to accept it and just be selfish for once. For that, my friend, I would always be grateful for making me see it in a different perspective. If by being selfish I could be happy, then I'm not letting it go.

Slowly, I learned to accept that I cannot pretend to be someone that I'm not and that I have to stop hiding. Through some forums, the old defunct blog and this one, I started meeting new people. At first I was sceptical and afraid of being judged before they even knew the real me, but to my surprise I met some wonderful people whom later become very good friends. A few bloggers were kind enough to offer me friendship, advice and verses to read in times of confusion.

As I wrote about all sorts of things that were trapped in my head, I calmed a little and some stress was alleviated, but the torment of not being able to fit in was still thick and heavy in the air. It was an absolutely terrifying and stressful journey. And you know what, when you think about the family, it is always very hard to live up to their expectations.

l.i.f.e

I thought I had my life figured out. I know who I am and what I want. It's so good to finally accept myself the way I am and I am not embarrassed by it.

I never thought that one day someone would come along and throw me off balance. Well, I thought wrong. I don't want to hurt and I can't stand the thought of being hurt. Why must fate be so cruel? Why must it be all or nothing for me?

empty space

You know how funny/weird/ironic it is that when you resolve something or you finally figured things out, you find that you have nothing much to say, anymore.

of my coming out story part 3

I began to struggle with my inner self and thinking perhaps I was having a mid-life crisis. 'This is shit!' I told myself. No one has a mid-life crisis in their mid 20s! I needed to start anew.

Up until then, I have to say that I was not interested in men and never had any boyfriends, but thinking that I should conform to the society, I found myself going out with them. I tried to create interests and give plenty of attention. Time and again, I forced myself but it never went any further. The interest just wasn't there and as soon as I got home from the dates I forgot all about them. It never crossed my mind to even think of them in a romantic way.

I enjoy being friends with men and having them as good company but attracted to them? No. Envisioning the rest of my life spent with any of them? No. Putting up with their behaviors and the typical manly characteristics? No, thank you! Married with white picket fences and 2.5 kids? Definitely a no no. I do not want to conform to what the society deems as the right thing to do. I don't want to get married just because that is expected of me. I was fucking miserable, and I don't think it was fair to make other people's life as painful as mine.

Yes, I've tried to be what I thought was expected of me, lived the life that had been modeled to me by those I knew. But deep down I knew it didn't fit. In 2004 I went through the bleakest and most difficult time of my life. I was depressed, suffering from anxiety attacks, had zero confidence, low self-esteem and suicidal.

Since I arrived in the UK, I kept to myself. I didn't feel like befriending new people and only knew the people I used to work with. To be brutally frank, I hated the narrow-minded and judgmental people especially the Malays. The angst in me was at full blown, even a few bloggers I met could sense the vibe at that time. Yet, I can't avoid my family even though I tried to keep minimal contacts with them. My sister tried to introduce me to a few of her friends' brothers and I even had a marriage proposal, which I turned down. Oh how I dreaded thinking about the subject!

There was a couple of times The Mentor mentioned about me finding a man, but with her I could just shrugged away and pushed it to the back of my mind. There was not too much pressure from her. However, after gentle and persistent prodding and genuine interest in my life, slowly, I was able to talk and open up bits and pieces of me. I found myself telling her the things that were on my mind, which I couldn't express and never uttered to anyone before.

For some odd reason I wanted to be perfect and invisible. I didn't want people to see me as weak and needy, and as a wimp but somehow I knew there's nothing I could do about it. I don't have what other people have, so I thought my life was shit and not complete.

To be honest, I didn't understand what I was going through. How odd it was that some parts of me were still green and naive. Yet, at the back of my mind I knew it had something to do with my sexual orientation. I felt so depressed, guilty, scared and angry all the time, but most of all I felt very lonely. The loneliness was devastating; sometimes I curled up in bed and didn't move for hours or didn't go out for days.

In the midst of all these, I struggled with how to reconcile the reality with a faith that totally rejected and shunned people like me. In my mind, I failed myself and I was a disgrace to the family. Only God knows how I survived and lived with that thought.

A wonderful Swedish getaway

of this weekend

One application on Facebook says this about me:

"A geek from the word go, you are brilliant at all the difficult and tech stuff. You excel at anything techy. It's sometimes difficult for you to find a company of people worth spending time with. Which is probably why you have planned to take over the world with your self made robots!"

Hah! What bollocks! I says loads of bollocks.

But I do feel absolutely fab! Happy as I can be.

With the sunshine and fine weather, good friends to entertain, dinner with a lovely company and great salsa night what more could a girl ask?

of my coming out story part 2

I sailed through college without a boyfriend, and not wanting one at all. Though I did develop a close friendship with another girl, I thought it was just normal for girls to have that kind of bond with their friends.

I remember there was a paper we had to write about homosexuality but I still had no idea what it really was. As it happened, the friendship didn’t go any further as I felt claustrophobic and trapped with her neediness. So these feelings I had for girls completely and totally slipped my mind.

Furthermore, I had other demons to battle with at that time. I had to deal with the death of my mother, relocating myself to a foreign country and the shock that my father remarried less than 6 months later. As I blamed myself for the unfortunate death, I felt all the guilts were on me and was totally lost, angry and hurt.

I was young and didn't know any better. The way I saw it, I was coping well. I had my attention on things that were gothic, mystery and grotesque, and for a while there I even started to look like one. I made sure that the things I did were out of the ordinary, unexpected and slightly odd. Druid, satanic cult, emo, pagan, witchcraft, tarot, you just name it, I was interested. But it never lasted long enough. I was unbelievably lost.

I love being in the company of people, but there I was isolating myself, in my little world, trying to find a solid ground below or a hand to hold but I never managed to grab one. I was hiding and, at the same time, protecting myself from being hurt again. I always felt that I was there for people when they need me but at the same time, I can't help feeling all alone fighting for my survival. I always held back what was on my mind and never spoke of any sorrows. I pushed people away and refused to let anyone get close. I wanted to run as far as I could. Still, I didn’t know what I was running from or where I was running to.

It was only at the beginning of my so-called adult life that I found myself falling hopelessly in love, with a woman. And ironically, I didn’t even know that it was love. Like it or not, she filled my mind for the next few years and there was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. I felt that I finally had found something or someone to live for. I was feeling all sort of emotions and wanted to change for the best. I would have gone to the moon and back if she had asked.

Sadly, I was just a phase she was going through at that moment. I was devastated and it was way too excruciating to watch her leave. But leave she did.

of being scared

I am temporarily insane

now I show you vulnerabilities
you see things I cannot do

now I tell you weaknesses
you see not my capabilities

now I bear my soul to you
you only see meekness

I'm not the person you thought you knew

of my coming out story part 1

Growing up, I always knew that I was different, but I just didn't have a grasp on why and what set me apart from everyone else.

My teenage years were quite happy ones, yet a little stormy sometimes. Even though I was a well-behaved child and never had problems at school, deep down I was a rebel. I was a little rascal and went through stages of hatred and anger at things in general. However, I could never put my fingers on what it was that triggered my restlessness.

When my friends were checking out the boys from St. Michael or KSAH, I pretended to be interested and did the same when in fact I didn't feel an iota of feeling towards the male gender. I have always had an infatuation with women since I was a little girl. I only liked and obsessed over women performers and women actors, but I usually ended up putting posters of guys over the walls in my room because it was the 'normal' or 'right' thing to do. In a way I thought that if I had them on my walls, I would start developing some kind of attraction towards the opposite sex.

I was thinking that when I got a little older, this phase would pass and I would fall totally in love with a man. I even found myself studying relationships around me between boys and girls and wondered if I'd be fortunate enough to have a boyfriend one day.

Nevertheless, all the while I never stop having crushes on girls. I didn't know what it was but I did know how terrified I was, and the indescribable worry that I like girls more than I like boys. I had no knowledge of such thing as gay people. There was no talk among my high school peers and there certainly were no talk shows, no films or no internet to help better my understanding of such emotions.

I prayed to God, sobbing, and thinking it was the worst fate to ever be forced upon anyone. Not to mention the fact if dear mother found out, God only knows what layer of hell would be unleashed and set upon my frail teen soul.

of coming back to my senses

How the heck did I suddenly write about political correctness and stuff? That is so not me. For awhile there I thought I sounded quite intelligent and had become a feminist. Er, not! Please can someone slap some senses back into my brain!?

Today I think I sounded more like the village idiot. It must have been because I had so much time on my hands. Thank goodness I'm back at work tomorrow.

I never took myself seriously and I'm not about to start the new year that way either. For all I know, I live in the playfulness of the moment, whatever that means.

2007 has been a turbulent but exciting year for me. I wish and pray for a playful yet happy 2008!

Notes for next entry: Is it ok for a 35-year old to date a 24-year old? Lame, I know, but mmm...

By the way

Happy New Year everyone! May you have lots of love, happiness and prosperity in 2008

of my very long views, more like a letter to the editor

A friend alerted me on the article in Harian Metro. I can't help but feeling sad and angry after reading it. Since it hits home and about who I am, I guess it's appropriate for me to express my opinion.

Dear Norainon Othman,
Harian Metro

I read your article about same sex relationship after a friend alerted me about it. Based on your writing, I take it that you don’t have a friend who is gay or know any gay people close enough to discuss the matter. But that’s ok because to write something you should know you subject matter, which I presumed you did a research beforehand.

Unfortunately, I have to say that I am disappointed after reading it. Obviously when you wrote that you would like to dig deep into this issue, I assumed that you would go back to basics and provide interesting insights. I am not a writer but how lame it is when I noticed that you failed the fundamental element of writing. There were no scientific or even academic studies cited to prove your points. All that present were the interviews with some government officials or some sort and even that were cited without statistics. The fact that you only wrote one side of the story and did not offer a perspective from the lesbian side makes your article less credential that it is already.

By the way, if you do interview lesbians, please make sure they are credible enough to offer mature and intelligent statements. Not just some kids who aren’t sure what they want and just wasting their life pretending to themselves and to the world that this is the lifestyle they want. But I guess it would be hard to find one because no lesbians in their right mind would risk talking to you.

I’m in awe when the Chairman of Sidim, someone who I assumed to be educated as he holds a high position, mentioned that animals don’t have a same sex relationship. Perhaps he and you would like to check with Oregon Health and Science University School of Medicine about one of the studies that confirmed that brain anatomy and hormone production play some parts behind the homosexuality found in sheep. Have you heard the news about Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins at the Central Park Zoo in New York? They made headlines when they, along with six other same-sex couples among penguins, were discovered. The same thing happened at Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen, Germany in 2005. I think it’s sufficient to say that there are many more examples of gay animals. You should dig them out you know. It’s your job after all.

President of Pekemas dares mentioned that this issue stem from the influences of pornography from CDs and Internet. This actually shocks me. What is this? Some kind of jokes? Have you seen a pornographic video of two women having sex, Ms Norainon? It is a disgrace and disgusting to watch, let alone to even suggest that this is one of the reasons women became a lesbian. Sex scenes in these videos are so downright dirty and demeaning to all women that they will actually turn you off and make you puke. These videos are for sick-minded and sex-starved men who can’t do much but fantasize about what they can’t have.

There may be some truth in the claim that some women who were terribly affected by the trauma or abuse in their life could develop an attachment to other women over times but that doesn't mean that they are gay, be it sexually or not. That's only because of the security and emotional needs that were provided by these other women. However, a lot of gay people also grew up in a happy and healthy surrounding as demonstrated by a few of my friends. Thus, the root of homosexuality can’t be pinpointed to just psychological reasons but also biological ones.

But it is absurd and laughable to say that some women become a lesbian because they do not want their freedom taken away by men. Do you know that many modern women prefer to be singles but are not lesbians!? Some single women prefer to have a male fuck buddy instead of a husband. And some gay women prefer to be single without being in a relationship. Believe it or not, we lead a solitary yet satisfied life. We may have feelings for women, but it doesn’t mean we have to act on it.

By suggesting that the government do something to prevent it from spreading, do you think it’s some sort of a disease or something that can be cured? Existing syariah law doesn’t stop married people from committing adultery or prevent people from having sex out of wedlock. And existing law also doesn’t stop the children from being molested by sick paedophiles. What make you think that the law can stop the world from being cursed by God already? And what makes you think that a law can stop someone from being a lesbian? It’s not like a woman could just wake up one day and decide to break the law by being a lesbian. Duh!

“Oh by the way mum, today I decide to be a lesbian just to annoy you and dad!” Or, “I got my heart broken and I hate men, so today I will turn lesbian.” What a funny notion. Where do you live, Norainon? It doesn't happen overnight. People can’t just switch on and off their sexuality to suit their need. And just for the record, women don't become a lesbian. We either are or aren't.

It looks to me that homosexuals are being treated like a third class citizen even though we contribute to the wellbeing of the country just as everyone else. Just look at some of the female engineers at Petronas, Shell or whatever. I bet my life that some are lesbians. What about some government officials or the people in the medical professions? Think about sportswomen, lawyers, lecturers or even politicians. Do you punish us all for being a lesbian? Do you oppress and discriminate us just because of our sexual preference? Does it make any difference to our work performance if you knew with whom we perform in bed?

Stop this bigotry and open your ears. I’m sure you don’t do that to any heterosexuals as that is deemed inappropriate and unprofessional. So what makes you think you can do that to homosexuals? At least we are intelligent enough to adopt the US Army motto of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell or else we would be oppressed and humiliated beyond repair.

The truth is we know rights from wrongs. By all means do provide support, counseling and religious classes for those who seek help. But you don’t have to lay blames and condemn us because we ourselves have been surrounded by guilt since forever. Please don’t add any more complication to our already complicated life. You are just going to drive us deeper underground.

the day I wrote about a serious issue

It feels a little lonely to spend the festive season here instead of in Malaysia. But beggar can't be choosy, can she? :)

I hope everyone else is having a good time celebrating and I can't wait for 2008 to come. Thank God I was not caught in the madness of boxing day sales. It was never for me, and I had no intention to even step foot in Oxford Street at this time of the year. Mad!

Today I got a call from T who is having a problem with her boyfriend, asking if I could take her out. Since not much is happening I just took her to a girls club in Soho, with no intention of cruising or whatsover. We just wanted to unwind and relax and before the club closes we walked to another to find that most clubs are also closing as they're kinda dead anyway.

We ended up in a bar chatting and laughing away in a little corner when suddenly I found that we were surrounded by a bunch of men. They seem nice in the beginning but after a few minutes they started making innuendos that they wouldn't mind a threesome.

Initially, I find it funny and told them that I'm not interested in men and T told them that she too is a lesbian just to get them away. I got pissed off when these slimy, dodgy men were trying to convince me that I just haven't met the right man.

Excuse me? Which part of lesbianism that some people don't understand?

Let's be honest here. When people hear anything about lesbians, all they think about is sex. And it makes me even mad when people started wiggling the tongue. Gross! I dunno why but I got a vibe that that doesn't normally happen when it involves gay men. Unfortunately to us we have been portrayed as the sex maniacs or have become the butt of a joke or a pervert or something. Dang! If you are straight, look at the men or women around you now. Do you fancy them and want to sleep with all of them? No? Then what makes you think that I fancy all women I see?

The most important part that people need to understand is homosexuality is not all about sex. Most women find a special enjoyment being in the company of other women. There is more understanding on all levels; intellectual, emotional, sensual. Women understand what women mean when they talk, just as men understand men. Women relate to each other better than they do to men. If you take the sex part (and religious) out, it makes sense that two women would want to be together.

Let's face it, we (and when I say we I mean LGBT) did not choose this path or that we had the option of being gays, or not. Do you think that we enjoy and we want to be ostracised by the society? Do you think it's fun being alienated and live our lives the hard way? Having to hide our true self, being forced to lie, being harassed, oppressed and discriminated against? Trust me, no one wants that kind of life. Definitely not me.

You know the stories you read in the tabloid lately about young women with many lesbian lovers and runaway lesbians are just stories. Some of them are kids who do not know what it means to be gay. They are still 'budak hingusan' and rebels. Because of the social stigma attached to homosexuality, most parents try to point fingers at someone when their daughters 'turned out' that way. They blamed their daughters' lesbian friends or tv programs for the negative influence. Look. Just step back a little, listen and learn. Don't shut them out. Nothing good will ever came out if people started pointing fingers at each other.

And get real! It's neither a trend nor a phase.

If after reading this you think that I am brave, bold, adventurous and independent, think again. I am a chicken shit. Just like the rest of other people, I am the same person since I was born, the same person that my parents raised and the same just as before I come out.

The truth is I and I can say that most of us are scared that if we come out of the closet we will lose the love of the most important people in our lives, our parents and families. All we ever wanted to know is that we are still loved no matter who we are or what sexual orientation we have. Nothing more, nothing less.

And today, the 12th year since my mother passed away, I need to reaffirm my own belief that my mother and father would still love me if they had known the truth.

of mantras

It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon.

I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.

No bullshit!

Come on, Ewok!

tales of the dales

The last few days have been quite alright I think. I didn't think about the heartache too much. Instead I went out of London to the little town where everything started.

It was really good to see Gaz and family again after almost 3 years. He bought a farm and has started producing his own ice cream. It looks like his business has grown and will continue to grow. A few months back he even offered me to work for him again with lots of incentives thrown together. Although I like him and the job, I feel that my heart is now in London.

As for Clarky, he has become little mature but he never lost his charm and as witty as ever. Well, except that he lost his front tooth. Ha ha!

They were a bit surprised to learn that K and I are no longer together and I was bombarded with the inevitable questions. But instead of feeling sad and depressed I felt really good talking about it. It was as if I'm letting go.

I am glad that I went up north just to clear my head. Maybe I should go out of town more often.

The only thing that made me sad is knowing K is sick :(

of dying and keeping perspective

People may say that no one ever died of broken heart but since I'm suffering from one, it's sure doesn't feel that way.

Every passing day is a torture. The lost connection, the fading laughter, the forgotten banters.

It's all feel like shit. I feel like shit.

How could she do this to me and then said she can't imagine not having me in her life? What the fuck is that? It's unfair and a little selfish I'd say.

There were times when I feel that I really wanna pick up the phone and call just so I could hear her voice but I know I can't. I have to resist the urge even though I think about her all the time.

Thank goodness for the good friends around me. Marc and The Candle Girl dragged me out to see films or just to hang out even when I was feeling despondent. The Third Floor Girls have been forcing me to go walking with them, which help takes my mind off my woe.

I admit that I fell out of touch with some friends during the relationship, but I have learned a lesson from it. I'm picking up all the pieces and as The Mentor said, my suffering is only one problem out of the many. I shall keep that in perspective.

of life swap

For those who think they have something to say, advice to give, preaching to do bla bla bla, let's make a deal, sweetheart.

Let's swap and I will let you live my life for the last 18 years. Then we can talk. What do you say, eh?

For now, you live yours I live mine. Peacefully, before I tell you to bugger off!

of pain

I used to think that I am a very calm person. I walk away from argument and I can't stand a heated conversation or any violent behaviours.

Now I feel like smashing everything in sight. I am constantly pissed and most of the time I don't know what or whom I'm mad at. I didn't realise that I have such anger all bottled up inside. I'm just angry at people, at me, at her and at lifeless objects. Gosh! This energy is driving me crazy.

I know my friends are telling me it's just a normal phase I'm going through. And I am embracing this, but I just don't know for how long I could do it. I'm just not cut out to be this way.

I'm too gentle, too nice and too emotional.

The Mentor has been very good and after reassuring me that I will meet someone nice and better she told me to get off it already, which made me laugh. Such gem she is.

Yeah, the thought of going back in the scene and starts dating is a little scary. I don't think I could do so soon since the duct tapes are still plastered all over my heart.

What also scares me is the fact that I would probably go through heartache again and again until I find the right person is a bit taxing. I can't handle it. It took me years to get over the previous one and now this one made me look like I came back from a battle.

Oh such pain!

the mask of a fool

My sister commented that I wear a mask all the time.

Maybe I am wearing a mask, but that's because I feel the need to shield myself. I want to protect myself from the cruelties and the horrible experiences that could hurt and make me suffer. Honestly, I am scared of pain and heartache.

However, I realised that sometimes when I feel slightly safe I'd remove the mask and rejoice in finding my true self. I want to enjoy the sunshine and the happiness it brings. It is such a glorious feeling.

But there will be a time when the unexpected happens and whack!! You got hit and fell flat on your face.

Damn!

It's time to put the mask on again. Too bad.

of freaky friday

A lot can be said from what happened recently, but I refused to resort to throwing a tantrum. That's not me.

And to be honest, she is such a nice and lovely person. So beautiful inside out that I felt so lucky to have known her. In these days of craziness, I'd never though I'd to meet someone as sweet and considerate.

The tantrum I'm refering to is not about her behaviour or characters. No, it's the way the relationship was going at that time. I wish I could change something that I did or said 3 weeks ago because it was that that triggered the break up. That freaked her out and made her run the opposite direction.

If there was someone to blame, it should be me. It doesn't matter that she said it wasn't me. Deep down I know the truth.

There was no point in crying my eyeballs out. At least we were happy in that short period of time, and we could still be friends even though my heart breaks at the thought.

Yes, it happened on a Friday :(

of time and rindu

Everyone keeps saying to give some space and time which is logical and fair enough.

I went into a relationship without a single baggage whereas it was different for her. Too many baggages and problems to think of that make it impossible to think clearly.

I honestly understand and accept the fact that we are on a different level.

But the heartache is still the same. Someone said to give enough time for her to miss me. But what about me? All the things I have belonging to her, the weird orange fish she won for me at a funfair, the special bull from Spain. Looking at them makes my heart bleeds. What about my rindu?

It hurts to know that I don't have the same previlege, anymore.

Kenangan Terindah

Aku yang lemah tanpamu

aku yang rentan karena

cinta yang telah hilang darimu

yang mampu menyanjungku

selama mata terbuka

sampai jantung tak berdetak

selama itu pun

aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

darimu kutemukan hidupku

bagiku kau lah cinta sejati

bila yang tertulis untukku

adalah yang terbaik untukmu

kan kujadikan kau kenangan

yang terindah dalam hidupku

namun takkan mudah bagiku

meninggalkan jejak hidupku

yang telah terukir abadi

sebagai kenangan yang terindah

of bleeding love

It doesn't matter who you like and who you love, you just follow your instinct and heart. And who could have explain love?

Love is.

When you try to be the better person than you were before. When you feel that every bit of your existence matters. When every drop of your sweat and blood appreciated. When you live and breathe happiness. When your heart feels like bursting with emotion. All that make you content.

You fight for love.

But there was a time when you just have to admit defeat. And you stop crying.

Only time can help and heal me again.

of healing

I can't believe that I'm going through this again after so long. I am tough, independent, hard and strong. I could do anything or go anywhere I want to but here I am writing, again, to heal.

It feels like a strong force just ripped my heart apart and left me bleeding, wounded. This is not fair. Decision was made for me and now I have duct tapes all over again.

All my being suddenly flew out of me. The things I want to do I can't do. Everything is so fucking cold and gloomy just like the weather.

I can't smile.

Lemah, that's the right word. The pain is so sharp I can't even describe it. I just need to pick up the pieces and let go. Damn! It hurts.

It was one of the happiest moments in my life. Though it happened at the wrong time, I will treasure it and she would always have a piece of my heart.

of heartbreak

I used to love this song so very much. One of my most treasured songs because it brings out all sort of emotions. The feelings just flow and I would love to hate it but I just can't.

This was our song. Even after I got dumped by her, it will always have a special place in my heart.

Breathe Me
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

of raya and fire

aahhh sod it! I had written quite a long entry about raya and fireworks only to find them missing from my drafts. I'm not bothered to rewrite. Instead, here are some photos of the fireworks display we had set off during Raya and etc.

Salam Aidil Fitri

In just a few more days, we will be celebrating Hari Raya. This is the 4th time I'm celebrating it in London, but I think this would also be one of the nicest ones for a number of reasons.

I used to just take Eid as it is and usually work on that day, but now I could feel the atmosphere and all the excitement surrounding it. Alhamdulillah I managed to go to terawih after so many years I didn't attend albeit it was only just a couple of nights. Someone told me that the ustaz at Malaysia Hall even had the photo of us (me being so very visible) on his blog.

Someone special to me is also coming to spend a few days during Eid and I do look forward to it. Even though being a non Muslim, that person has been encouraging me to fast knowing me well that I might not fast on some days.

And most of all, I am looking forward to open houses just so I could eat all the wonderful Malaysian food.

To my friends Muslim and Non-Muslim from all over the world, I wish you Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin. Please forgive and forget if I have unknowingly hurt your feelings or done you wrong.

Can't Hold Back

I didn't realise it was already more than a month since my last post. I guess there's a lot of things going in my life.

I'm still alive and I feel alive. I stop being so hard on myself after I realised that only I can make myself happy. Take That said that my time is coming and told me not to be late :)

It's funny weird how things turned out to be. I didn't plan to go and she didn't either, but fate intervened. We met, got a little distracted with each other and now we can't seem to stop chatting every night.

These days I found that sometimes sleep deprivation is good for the soul. But please remind me I said that when I becomes cranky during the day!

I like the fact that I look forward to reading the texts in the morning and talking on messenger the last thing at night.

of expensive walls

It seems like life is taking over.

No more mundane things. It's all extraordinary.

Sometimes when I was in my old shoes, I cannot take a step further than I want to. There are certain boundaries that I have to observe. More like living behind walls, except these walls are somehow self-made.

Do you remember when Berlin Wall came tumbling down in 1989? Bit by bit people chipped away the wall. To be free at last.

My walls are coming down. I think the west side is completely knocked down and I'm currently trying to find my courage to bring down the east side.

I don't know what the reaction from easterners yet. Maybe I'll never find out. That would be scary. At what price am I paying this?

of your little sister

Dear Aci,

I know you are quite busy most of the times, but I wanted to tell you something. Only that I'm not sure how to bring it up. It's hard for me though because I am quite a private and reserved person.

I think it could be due to several reasons and upbringing is certainly one of them. We hardly ever talked heart to heart, and when I was a kid, you were not around much anyway. But somehow when I get older or more accurately, when I became an adult, it is slightly easier to tell you things even though there are some that I keep hidden.

Over the last few years, I have written most of my thoughts on the internet. Quite a lot of them are about my anguish, anger, frustration and struggles, and everything else that tickled my fancy when I was growing up.

It is sort of therapy. And I needed that to help me find myself. I was lost. Sort of don't know who I was, and what I wanted in life. In other words I was miserable and restless. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not.

Maybe when I'm ready and you are too, then I will tell you my big secret. I am not good with conversation. If we talked, I would have cried and become emotional, and you would be the same. I'm not good with emotional struggles but I can write and I hope in time, you would understand.

One day at a time, I will let you read my thoughts on my blog. I started writing since 2004, but please don't mention this to Na or even your boys just in case they google me and find it. I'm not ready for them yet, but I am slowly getting used to the idea of you reading them. Plus, it has adult content anyway. Things that some people wouldn't even begin to imagine.

You are my only sister and I love you so much. I don't want you to worry. I am not in any kind of trouble. All I want is to be able to talk to you freely. I want us to have a closer relationship and be more like friends, but I am scared.

I'm not sure if you would understand. I am scared that you'd be judgmental because honestly I don't need that. I had enough on my plate anyway. All I want is understanding and love. I want people to love me for who I am. I certainly hope so, especially you.

So this is the beginning.

of poison dart frog

Some people are born to be destructive. Some are born to educate. Some are born to offer love. And some are born to be selfish.

It seems like in at least one of our veins, there's some sort of catalyst poison lurking around. That one evil streak. Jealousy. Naughty. Rude. Gothic. Think we are better than the other.

Are you really?

I hate people who preach like they know better. Why do some like to insist that their views, their ideas, their way of thinking are the right way?

Excuse me? Who are you again?

of smoky bandit

Officially, England has gone smoke-free.

And here I was, sending a message to TTG to bring me more Dunhill Light. I can't even smoke in the pub or enclosed public places anymore. I plead my innocent. I smoke only when I'm happy, which is not too often (please believe me) ;)

Other people smoke when they have nothing to do or when they are depressed. Not me, no sire! If I was then I would have killed someone in the last 2 years. You'd probably wouldn't notice me behind the smoke. I would be dead by now.

But I am a little confused. Bus stop is not an enclosed place but we can't smoke there since it's substantially enclosed whatever. My question is, can I smoke while I was walking? Or can I smoke at the park? After all, parks are public areas. What about smoking under an awning or something like that? I read the rules about roof and stuffs but I don't think I would ever understand the legal language, but I do know one thing. I do not want to pay £50 for the fine!

With the smoking banned, the biggest pick up line ever would also get written off from history. When you fancy someone in a club or pub, you can't even ask for light anymore!

of gay and gesture

"Even though we've come a long way, gays and lesbians are still fired from their jobs, beaten in the streets and the brunt of cruel jokes. Some people think an abomination, but we think we're just fine. Gay Pride is our day to say we're here, we're proud of who we are. We're celebrating ourselves, no matter what the rest of you think" -Katie Belge-

I need sleep.

It's funny how I used to say I could relax during the weekend now that I just work on weekdays. I was kidding. It was more tiring than working. Having fun is exhausting. But I am not complaining, honest.

Saturday saw me at the Pride parade. I went later than I planned to so I missed quite a bit, but it was very encouraging to see so many people out there bracing the rain and all. I was drenched but do I care?

Even an ice cream van was in the parade. How cool was that?

London is a very gay friendly city. Everywhere on the streets of Soho they had parties, DJs, rally and cabaret. Soho Square turned into British Airways Square for the day with lots music and stuffs. It has been 35 years since the first pride, and they do come a long way to fight for respect and equality.

Later that night, after my friends left, I didn't feel like going home just yet so I hang around Old Compton Street, watched people and smoked the last few cigarettes before smoke-free England begins.

There, I met Scott and Chris from Milton Keynes, having a drink outside a pub. They were really funny especially Scott, and we learned a few things about each other. At one point Scott grabbed hold of a stack of the Pride magazines left at the dump. He gave us 5 copies each to try and give it away to passersby as quickly as we could.

It was in the middle of the night and drizzling so people dodged us left and right. It became a mission who could finish their copies first. It was hilarious because people thought we were drunk and crazy. We only wanted to give the mags away so we were pretty harmless, really.

Chris just stood there whereas Scott and I were running around giving it away. In the end, it was a tie between Scott and I since we got rid of them at about the same time. Chris was still holding all of his. It was almost midnight when I left and when I got home I just went to sleep straight away.

On Sunday I woke up feeling a lot sober but I just stayed in bed trying to read and watch some telly. I think I didn't remember what I watched anyway.

Later that afternoon, I went to Stratford because the Poles threw me a dinner party. I met TCG BF for the first time since The Candle Girl got together with him 2 weeks ago. She said he was my birthday present and I could use him for 1 hour, any way I want. LOL.

Dinner was simple but delicious. I know they hardly cook at home but I was touched by the gesture. They don't really have to do it and it was nice to know that some friends will go to a distance for you. When they sent me to the bus stop, Marc started singing 'The Jolly Good Fella' and everyone else joined in. We were walking hands on shoulders and when we had to cross the street, we put on a show like an Irish riverdance to the traffics. It was fantastic!

When I got home it was 2am. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

will I ever?

How often do you think that you know someone and then suddenly they uncovered themselves, and shook the whole world? Your little world anyway.

Probably not too often.

Lately, I have trouble being honest. Truth be told, I am quite big on honesty but this is like I spit on my own face? No? Ok. Maybe that's the wrong phrase. I'm not the effing Queen, you know.

I have been living in lies and deception. It is so hard not being able to talk about my fascination, the object of desire, the sexcapades (as if!) and the inner feelings. It feels like if I'm hiding this part of myself I'm hiding the best part of me.

What would happen if my sister found out the truth? Would I be cast aside? Abandon like a forgotten history. I asked myself, "Dare I risk it?"

Who am I kidding?

My silliness has come back. Five folds. In the middle of the night, I said the name and lie panting. Crush? So juvenile.

of logics and stuff

The Mentor always offers the best and logical insights anyone could give. Trust me.


The reason for the existence of this blog is to document my journey towards self discovery. Today, since it was very quiet in the store, I managed to read all of my previous entries. Blimey! That's a lot of stuff I tell ya.


The issues I had with my father, the grief for my mother, the relationship with my family, my career choice, the healing process, the self-acceptance and etc etc.

These issues won't go away unless I tackle them head on. One at a time. And I am not afraid to say that I have lots of weaknesses, and I am not a strong person. I need all the help I can to get through, something that I'm doing slowly at my own pace.

All these make up the person that I am. I have to be honest, with myself, with my family and with my friends. I realised that all these while, I'm collecting bits of pieces of me that was scattered everywhere. I found them here and there. The pieces that will complete me.

It's not like I'm spilling any secrets that will get me signed to publish a memoir and make me an instant millionaire nor do I have a hidden sex tape somewhere.


Do you think that 10 years or even 25 years down the line this blog will still exist? I would love to look back and read all the zigs zags and bums I encounter while documenting my life.


Some of what I wrote in the beginning still apply but somehow the tone of this blog has shifted a little to mark the changes in me. I am a lot happier and at peace. And no one can take this feeling away from me.

of banging and celebration with a bang!

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I had a early celebration on the weekend, and it will continue until the next weekend and the weekend after. Wow! What a fantastic start. I only get to be, er, 33 once.

Though I'm done with the ice cream co., The Mentor was very generous enough to get me tickets for a weekend concert by HRC. And me being cheeky managed to persuade my former colleague to get me staff passes at the last minute. The truth is I didn't just go to enjoy myself, I did help out for a while. Didn't I?

On Saturday morning, I rang Marc and asked him to join me at Hyde Park. There were like maybe 15 bands playing throughout the day but honest to God, I had no idea who they are except for The Feeling, which is great cos I love their songs. The biggest and the last act for the night was Peter Gabriel, and I don't know who he is. LOL. The Mentor's entourage just rolled their eyes when they learn what load of rubbish I was. Hehe.

For Sunday, I do know Aerosmith, but if you want to know, that's only the only band I recognise. And both of us only knew maybe just 3 songs out of the many that Steven Tyler belted out. LOL.

There were abundant of foods though and Marc and I had so many glasses of fancy smancy cocktails we never heard before. What a weekend! And more celebration to come.

Next Saturday is the Pride London, which I wanted to volunteer for but in the end I decided that I'm just gonna go and enjoy it with some friends I met at LF. Now I'm in dilemma since Marc and the others want to do something else on that Saturday. Then, there's an invitation to go to Norwich for the weekend. Dang! Choices choices.

Tonight we are having a big dinner party at the Holiday Villa. If you're in the area, come and wish me Happy Birthday. Hehehe.

new age

At the end of last month, my eldest nephew turned 17. Gosh! He’s all grown up. He’s even talking about getting his driver’s licence already!

Where has the time flies? I remember when he was only ten and me cuddling him. Since he is the first grandchild my mom used to spoil him. I think we all did, but thank goodness he is not a brat. He is quite a responsible young man.

My own birthday is coming up very soon. I don’t celebrate birthday except when I was with good friends. What’s the point of celebrating alone, eh? My brother's son and daughter are also celebrating their birthdays at about the same time. One of them is a day before me and the other is a day after.

You know, I used to be scared when I saw the numbers going up. Now when I read about people getting nervous about being in their 30s, I find it quite er, funny.

Ok. Here’s something to ponder. Theoretically, I should say that I am 32 going to be 33. However, when we were born, people didn’t say that we are zero. Only when we completed a year then they say we are one. So technically, tomorrow, I would have lived for 33 years, and working towards becoming 34 the following day.

In a matter of 3 days, I go from being 32 to 33 to 34. We are actually 2 years older than we think! Hahaha… What load of rubbish! But it does make sense, right?

I’m fine with my age.

Er.. Maybe I won’t be able to say the same when I hit 40, but heck! That’s seven years from now, oh wait! Is it 6 years? WTF? Let’s not go there.

silly

Silly silly silly.

How to deal with silliness?

of a sister and a rockstar

To be honest, after cycling to work for the past 3 days I'm tired. My body is aching. I woke up late almost every morning. Dang! I am so out of shape.

Mmm.. isn't it a great wonder that we always whine about anything and everything? Heheh... I'm sure once I got back into the rhythm I'd be ok. (I'm trying to psyche myself up)

When I was young I always thought that I would one day become a corporate person. Work on the 25th floor, have my own office and always have people doing my biddings.

Kwang kwang kwang…

What was I thinking? Thank God that dream didn’t come true. I think I’d commit myself to a madhouse if it did happen. I realised that that's not for me. I could never be that person. I was chided by a few relatives when I quit my slightly cushy job in Msia. They told me what a huge mistake I made.

If I stayed behind I'd probably feel depressed by it all. Thank goodness for my sister who always let me decide for myself. I know sometimes she doesn't understand me but at least she doesn't criticise the things I do. She takes me as I am and that's the best thing about her. I think my mom would do the same if she was still around. I know there are issues that I have to work out, but at least I am quite happy with how things turn out to be.

Isn’t it easier to be a cat? If I had nine lives, I wanna be;

1. skinny woman who can eat anything and everything with no weight problem whatsoever
2. adventurous cat who love mountains and lives in Colorado Springs so I could enjoy sunset and sunrise any time
3. fabulous rockstar who gets all the gorgeous ladies
4. flower that never die and blooms every spring and make everyone smiles
5. sexy vampire who is content with small things she had and a loved one, and not having to drink blood

Mmmm… I would have to think of the other 4 lives. What it’s gonna be, huh?

tra.. lala..lala..

I bought a new bike... yeeehaaaa...

Don't ask me how much I spent on it, plus all the accessories, but it's enough to put a huge dent in my pocket. The lock itself costs me a bomb but I don't mind. I like.

I went to carboot sales, looked up in gumtree and ebay, but in the end I know deep down I prefer to get a new one. Urrggh.. you must think that I am shallow, but heck, to each her own.

Here's to a good summer! Cheers!

of heartbreak hotel

Back in the days when I first ran away from heartbreak, I bled like nobody’s business. I didn’t know it could hurt so much. I didn’t know it was going to make me numb and shut me off from everything that I was familiar with.

I thought how could this be? I didn’t even know I was in love. I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone so much that I felt I wanted to die when things turned sour.

Well, sour is an understatement. I hit rock bottom. How many times during the nights I cried myself to sleep? How many times I was furious with myself for being such a complete idiot? How many times I felt the knife went deeper every times I saw the other person pulled away from me?

I hated myself for being so vulnerable.

My heart was red and swollen. I had no other way but to drown myself in a different direction. How could I begin to tell you that I ached so badly that my heart had duct tapes all over it?

I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to be loved. If I could love someone unconditionally, why couldn’t someone love me back? Is it too much to ask?

I heal over time, and I rejoice for a while after I come up to the surface. But when I think I’m ready to start over and find a person who could love me as I am, I am scared. Where do I begin? Where do I find love, or does love comes looking for me? Clueless is what I am.

When a friend found out that her partner cheated on her, I told her to re-invent herself. Easy to say, eh? Now how do I do that to myself? Where do I go to find all the people who would find me attractive and interesting to date?

Wait! Now that I know who my type is, do I really want to date, or do I want to go straight to bed? LOL. That would be fascinating!

of a softie and a bouncer

I officially began my new life as a full time staff at an internet café last Wednesday. It’s not really an exciting job, but it pays the bills. I work long hours, but then again even with my previous company I work even longer hours and sometimes I was not at home for days.

I guess this one is okay. No fancy title to define who I am. No big salary or a beemer to show off. No expensive dresses or gadget to match.

To be honest, I asked myself, do I really care? Does it bother me that I don’t have all these? Imagine when I go home to Malaysia and people would be asking,

“So what do you do in London?”

“I work at internet café”

“Really? You mean you have an internet café?”

“No. I’m the bouncer”

“Oh!”

Ah well.

I am the bouncer, really. I have thrown a few people out of my store. You see, 3 teenagers came to the store almost every day. One day I caught them in the area that was closed so I threw them out. This week they came again, and I suspected that they were hacking into the system.

I confronted them. Me short fat woman, them big tall boys. I am not the confrontational type. Never. I walk from an argument and even if I tried, I’d lose big time. My hands were shaking and my voice trembled. They made it worse when one of them challenged me. I called 999. Well, I didn’t really call the police, but I pretended that I did.

A lot of things had happened since I work here. Some are good, some bad. The bad ones make me wish that I never changed my job, but I guess it’s the harsh and hard reality of life that one has to face.

I am simple yet complicated. The softie me will have to toughen up. And I guess it’s about time to discover and re-discover.

damn thief!

I am pissed off! Somehow, someone managed to disrupt my contented life.

You see, I was looking forward to a new job somewhere locally so that I can cycle to work. My two-years old bike was still good looking and in great condition. I had an old lock but I bought new chain lock that require combination just so I could park it on the street without having to worry.

I wired a pedometer to calculate the distance, time and speed when I cycle. I added new front and rear lights and put a drink holder for my convenience.

I even kept it in the hallway of my building.

All for nothing.

Some fucker managed to get inside and stole it right under my nose.

I know it's only a bike but it's £200 gone!

of love and path

Today I am honoured to be among the families to celebrate their official wedding ceremony. They finally come out. (mmm.. that sounds very familiar)

She was the most gorgeous bride and he was looking rather handsome. Together they are beautiful. I had to hold back my tears when I looked at them.

I could not imagine how it was to keep a secret for years. Yet, now I could and I understand because I'd be living a similar life and keeping a secret myself.

She knows me well. Our paths are parallel.

To The Mentor and her groom, may God bless you and give you all the happiness in the world.



I love you.

what makes you you

Found out my new boss has a blog and he was too happy to let me know about it. However, there's no way I'm telling him about mine.

He had this on it, and I quite like the phrases.


The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you have anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish and having ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are frank and honest, people may cheat you. Be frank and honest anyway.

If you are successful, you may win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may try to destroy overnight. Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it's between you and God. It was never between you and THEM anyway.

three

3 weeks to live double lives.

3 weeks of being a juggler.

3 weeks of madness.

3 weeks of being a liar.

3 weeks of cheating.

3 weeks to make as much as one can.

3 weeks to liberation.

3 weeks to being sane.

3 weeks to start cycling.

3 weeks to leave.

3 weeks to stay.

3 weeks of driving.

Only 3 more weeks!

of war and truth

When I started blogging, I was in an angry, restless and confused state. Maybe my words were not too harsh, and I wasn't too bitchy, but I was angry nonetheless.

I wasn't happy with a lot of things, but most of all, wasn't happy with myself. I needed an outlet. And truth be told, blogging never ceased to amaze me and it didn't disappoint me either. Sometimes I had so much to tell, but couldn't find the words to write. So, they dissappear into the air. And some things are better kept to myself.

I had one before this titled FTBB with a real picture of skulls and destruction and that reflected what I was going through at that time. I was in a war.

Then I closed that chapter because I didn't know what I was fighting for.

Even when I started this one, I wasn't really sure of the title. I thought it was kinda corny, and it reflected only some parts of me. I didn't know where exactly I stand. In between what? Two countries? Two feelings? Two football clubs? Two choices? Two loves? What worlds?

The truth was that I wasn't sure about everything. Full stop.

But I realised the title says it all. I was in between. Now I'm on the other side.

of moving on

I said before that I have less and less ice cream to share.

As of mid May (wishful thinking) I will not have any left.

I loved the old company. I love The Mentor, and being the nicest person I had ever met, it's natural that I am going to miss her so damn much. Also, I am going to miss all the whinging and gossips, and the late evening phone calls chatting for hours about everything and nothing.

I am going to miss the creamy Belgian Double Chocolate and Dark Roast Coffee that gives the same kick as any Starbucks drinks. I will miss the green country sights and the beautiful dales that sooth me every time I see them.

What I won't miss is the knackered ice cream vans. And I'm not going to miss the long morning drive to Newcastle or Cornwall and be back on the same night. I will not miss the angry clients, and the less supportive colleagues.

It has been a very long and tiring but interesting journey. But some thing has to end somewhere.

Things happen for a reason

Since I last post an entry, there have been quite a lot of things that happened to me and my humdrum routine.

I could say that I had been fighting a lot. Literally. The changes that I'm going through are quite exhilarating and interesting. It's just another adventure. The last one was quite a shaky experience. This time it's a lifestyle. One that I'm sure of.

The beginning was quite frightening, I kid you not. It was as if I lived through madness and hell. Something that I wish I do not have to go through again. It's exhausting and very unpleasant. Yet, if I had to do it all over again, I'd pray for a shorter and quicker route to get to where I am today.

Forever I would be grateful to the people who have been supporting me. I could never asked for better friends than them lot. They show me the utmost understanding that overwhelmed every little doubt I had. They gave me the power not to be afraid anymore. They give me confidence to live, and they show me kindness to be happy.

I haven't changed. Yet, I have changed.

Changes. I love the word. It meant a lot to me. When you have been in a limbo like I had, you'd appreciate the little things that changed you. The big thing would take you by force. It's either you survive it, or die trying.

I have survived and accepted it. And I have adjusted it to suit myself.

What I want now is peace. What I need now is friendship. And what I desire now you can't imagine.

I AM MUSLIM

After the long wait for her book, I finally got a signed copy from DZ.

It was kind of TTG to bring it with her, and we really wish that you and Lily were here with us so we could get loose in London. Imagine 4 beautiful women together, we'd create a riot!

I'm proud of you my friend. Sad though cos I wasn't there to attend the launch but from what I heard and read I'm glad it was really 'happening' and a success. Next year for IAM2, I don't care one, I don't want to be left out again.

Thank you babe! For the mention in the book. Now all I have to do is wait for the orders. Hahaha...

For those who hasn't got a copy of DZ's book, what the heck are you waiting for? Go get one. Now!

dis...

It seems like this blog has almost run its course. I am thinking maybe it's time to let it go, for ever. I love blogging, but am not sure this is what I want anymore.

Some of my friends have discontinued theirs. I have nothing else to write, no stories to tell, and less and less ice cream to share.

I'll think about it.