infinite sadness

I die on the day I was born.

My heart breaks in tiny million pieces. It never stopped. My shattered life and my broken dreams. I don't know who I am anymore.

Forever. Soulmate. Hah! Not mine. Everyone leaves. Let me be. So leave! Forget about me. Who fucking care? Not him, not her and definitely not you!

Kick me while I'm down, why don't you? Go on, be happy!

if

if lips are made for kissing,
why can't I kiss you?
If arms are made for holding,
why can't I hold you?
If voice are made for talking,
why can't I say my feelings?
If ears are made for listening,
why can't you listen to my heart?

crash and burn

I never thought that one day my heart would go through it again. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. You gave me heart and took me higher, then you crashed me and left me wounded.

How can I still love you? How can I never be mad at you? How can I still want you?

Please, please God save me.

go away

The pain is so great that I have no words for it. Days and nights I just wish for it to go.

I am not worth anything.

Pain. Just go away and leave me alone

defeated

The day I stop crying is the day that I don't have any emotions left. I am broken. I am alone.

All I want now was my mother. I want to cry in her arms, and for her to tell me things will be alright. God, please help me. I can't go on. How can you be cruel sending me away? I am in pain, mum.

don't let go of me

It's too late. That's what you said. There's no more chances for me. And I have to watch you go away while I'm fighting for my life.

lost

I have my days off during the week. Usually I would spend the whole day with you. These days I felt that you are so distant. You said that you would come to me but you didn't.

I felt like I'm losing you day by day. When I need you the most you're not there anymore. You're supposed to be my rock and my mentor. You're the person I looked up to. You're my inspiration, my best friend and my everything.

Without you I'm lost.

of pain

Sayang

I don't know why you subjected me to this pain. You haven't replied to my messages. You didn't answer my calls and you didn't reply to my emails. You have been ignoring me for the last few weeks.

I don't understand.

You said you love me. You said you can't live without me. You said you're forever mine. Then you told me it's over.

I am hurting now baby.

no words can describe what I feel

How can my heart breaks over and over? Why do this pain hurts so much?

So she's been kissed. By someone who knows that she already has me. Why? Do you feel trapped being with me? Do you want out? Do you not want to honour your love? Do you not want to be with me? Didn't you claim that I was your soulmate? Didn't you listen to all those things I confided in you? Didn't you say you can't live without me?

What am I now, baby?

of being terrified

Something has changed and I don't know what it was. I can feel it in my bones. She wanted to make new friends so I encouraged her. She needed it, and I wasn't going to deny her that. But I have these nagging feelings that I was gonna lose her.

God! I am scared. I am terrified.

waiting

It's been quite a while since I last wrote something here. And a lot of things have happened between then and now but the one thing for sure is that I am still together with the woman I love.

It is incredible to be able to say that you love someone that your heart actually hurt so much because you can't contain the feelings you have for her. She is the essence of my being and without her I'm crippled.

I feel a temporarily lost at the moment because she's on holiday for two weeks. It has been 8 days since I last heard from her. I can't wait for her to come back.

where's my girl?

It's lonely without you here. All the words I want to say are left unsaid and all the feelings I want to show are put on hold until you are back in my arms.

Happy Valentine's Day Sayang.

if I had

If I had the chance to hug you again,
I would hug you longer.

If I had the chance to kiss you again,
I would kiss you longer.

If I had the chance to hold you again,
I would hold you longer.

If I had the chance to walk with you again,
I would walk with you all day long.

If I had the chance to see you smile and hear you laugh again,
I would think of the funniest things I could think of to tell you,
Just to see you smile and hear you laugh.

If I had the chance to feel your love again,
I would spend every minute with you.

I would do all these things because
I love and miss you.

eight is the lucky number

November is almost here. I can't believe that time passes so quickly.

We have been together for more than 8 months. I also haven't seen her for 8 days. It is a horrible feeling not being able to see her or even talk to her.

Everything seems to be going alright for us. Then I slipped and made the same blunder again. I know I hurt her and I know she was feeling the stress and the burden of having a relationship with me.

I am so in love with her that I end up hurting her instead. Our relationship is complicated enough as it is, and she thinks I am trying to make it even more difficult by not trying to understand her situation.

So, here I am trying not to crowd her. I don't want to make her feel that she has to be responsible for me. I am not going to be a burden to her! All I want is to make her happy. My feelings, my wants and my needs are not relevant at this time. She's the most important person in my life and I don't want to disappoint her. As always I will put her first before anyone else and that is my pledge to my love.

a note to Sayang

"Dearest Sayang,

I am very sorry for subjecting you to this pain and hurt that I myself inflicted upon you. I promise I will try to have less demands. I will try to control my jealousy and the sharp feelings I get every time I think about the life you have without me.

I can't imagine my life without you and if I could only get a little piece of you I should be happy and grateful for your love. It should be enough and I have to learn not to be greedy in wanting more.

You have given me more than I could ever asked for. You have saved me, trusted me and gave me guidance in finding the way back to life. You believe in me and you care. And for all that you have shown and given I am humbled by your compassion and your love.

It is unfortunate that we fell in love under the circumstances. This is the hardest and the most grueling relationship ever faced by either one of us and with it comes the additional stress and pressure.

I know there were many times when you felt like quitting because the burden is too great to handle. I also know that it has crossed your mind that this relationship is not worth the risks you are taking. You have a great and wonderful life and it is something that is not worth giving up to be with me. I don't even have anything to offer to you because everything I have or everything that I am is out weighted by my shortcomings.

It is ironic that two weeks ago I asked you the meaning of the word peripheral. Today I accepted the fact that I am just a peripheral in your life even though I know you would say otherwise. I know sometimes you think I expect too much from you. Funny enough, last week after you spent the weekend with me, I realised you are not mine to begin with. Therefore I could not ask for more than what you can give.

I remember you once said that everyone is equal but some are more equal than the others. I did not get it at that time but when I looked at our situation I think it is slightly clearer to me now. We may be equal but we are not on the same page. I looked down at my feet to see myself and I looked into your face. You are far more sophisticated and intelligent and sometimes I feel intimidated because somehow I am not enough for you. This is something I have to work out and overcome.

In the next few years I may be still not enough or good for you but nothing can beat the feelings, the love and the hots I have for you. You are the one I give my heart to and the one I want to be with.

Regards,

Your Sayang"

Eight months and counting

Wow! It's almost 8 months I abandoned this blog. Not that I have a new one nor would I neglect the one thing that kept me sane for the last 4 years. But life seems to move forward and time just passed so quickly.

I heard from a grapevine there seems to be some kind of gossips about my revealing story. It's all old news babes. Move on.

There are lots of things going for me, and the most important one is there's someone who loves me and gives me strength to face the new days. She is the most amazing and wonderful person and I know I finally found someone who really cares.

It's all going well.

Although, I have to say that The Mentor still scolds me over crappy and silly things I came up with even after I quit working for her. But one lesson I learned from The Mentor is that you only need certain people in your life. People who care for you, support you when you need them and who would be there for you during the good and bad times. Choose your true friends, and leave the peripherals out.

loved

i) being in love

ii) being kissed by you

iii) being able to touch your face

iv) being in bed with you

v) being able to see you smile

vi) being cared for

vii) being touched

viii) being missed

ix) being able to talk to you

x) being able to joke and laugh

xi) being made to think sensibly

xii) being accountable

xiii) being your love

xiv) being amazed by you

xv) being whole when you are with me

Sleep deprivation and sex are good for the soul

I love sex. Tell me who doesn’t?

Comparing her non-existance sway of a dance with sex was so wrong. She blushed when she tried to explain her reasoning for watching me moved to the music. She was adorable when she was being soppy. She was sweet when she was being sweet on me.

I thought I could go on forever.

here without you

To my Sayang, I want you more than ever

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

please tell her

I missed her.

I missed her voice and her sweet smile. I missed looking at her laughing eyes when she tried to wind me up. I loved her chuckles when she laughed at my sillyness.

Please someone tell her that I am here waiting for her to come and sweep me off my feet. Tell her that she lights my fire and I am hers if she would have me.