will I ever?

How often do you think that you know someone and then suddenly they uncovered themselves, and shook the whole world? Your little world anyway.

Probably not too often.

Lately, I have trouble being honest. Truth be told, I am quite big on honesty but this is like I spit on my own face? No? Ok. Maybe that's the wrong phrase. I'm not the effing Queen, you know.

I have been living in lies and deception. It is so hard not being able to talk about my fascination, the object of desire, the sexcapades (as if!) and the inner feelings. It feels like if I'm hiding this part of myself I'm hiding the best part of me.

What would happen if my sister found out the truth? Would I be cast aside? Abandon like a forgotten history. I asked myself, "Dare I risk it?"

Who am I kidding?

My silliness has come back. Five folds. In the middle of the night, I said the name and lie panting. Crush? So juvenile.

of logics and stuff

The Mentor always offers the best and logical insights anyone could give. Trust me.


The reason for the existence of this blog is to document my journey towards self discovery. Today, since it was very quiet in the store, I managed to read all of my previous entries. Blimey! That's a lot of stuff I tell ya.


The issues I had with my father, the grief for my mother, the relationship with my family, my career choice, the healing process, the self-acceptance and etc etc.

These issues won't go away unless I tackle them head on. One at a time. And I am not afraid to say that I have lots of weaknesses, and I am not a strong person. I need all the help I can to get through, something that I'm doing slowly at my own pace.

All these make up the person that I am. I have to be honest, with myself, with my family and with my friends. I realised that all these while, I'm collecting bits of pieces of me that was scattered everywhere. I found them here and there. The pieces that will complete me.

It's not like I'm spilling any secrets that will get me signed to publish a memoir and make me an instant millionaire nor do I have a hidden sex tape somewhere.


Do you think that 10 years or even 25 years down the line this blog will still exist? I would love to look back and read all the zigs zags and bums I encounter while documenting my life.


Some of what I wrote in the beginning still apply but somehow the tone of this blog has shifted a little to mark the changes in me. I am a lot happier and at peace. And no one can take this feeling away from me.

of banging and celebration with a bang!

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I had a early celebration on the weekend, and it will continue until the next weekend and the weekend after. Wow! What a fantastic start. I only get to be, er, 33 once.

Though I'm done with the ice cream co., The Mentor was very generous enough to get me tickets for a weekend concert by HRC. And me being cheeky managed to persuade my former colleague to get me staff passes at the last minute. The truth is I didn't just go to enjoy myself, I did help out for a while. Didn't I?

On Saturday morning, I rang Marc and asked him to join me at Hyde Park. There were like maybe 15 bands playing throughout the day but honest to God, I had no idea who they are except for The Feeling, which is great cos I love their songs. The biggest and the last act for the night was Peter Gabriel, and I don't know who he is. LOL. The Mentor's entourage just rolled their eyes when they learn what load of rubbish I was. Hehe.

For Sunday, I do know Aerosmith, but if you want to know, that's only the only band I recognise. And both of us only knew maybe just 3 songs out of the many that Steven Tyler belted out. LOL.

There were abundant of foods though and Marc and I had so many glasses of fancy smancy cocktails we never heard before. What a weekend! And more celebration to come.

Next Saturday is the Pride London, which I wanted to volunteer for but in the end I decided that I'm just gonna go and enjoy it with some friends I met at LF. Now I'm in dilemma since Marc and the others want to do something else on that Saturday. Then, there's an invitation to go to Norwich for the weekend. Dang! Choices choices.

Tonight we are having a big dinner party at the Holiday Villa. If you're in the area, come and wish me Happy Birthday. Hehehe.

new age

At the end of last month, my eldest nephew turned 17. Gosh! He’s all grown up. He’s even talking about getting his driver’s licence already!

Where has the time flies? I remember when he was only ten and me cuddling him. Since he is the first grandchild my mom used to spoil him. I think we all did, but thank goodness he is not a brat. He is quite a responsible young man.

My own birthday is coming up very soon. I don’t celebrate birthday except when I was with good friends. What’s the point of celebrating alone, eh? My brother's son and daughter are also celebrating their birthdays at about the same time. One of them is a day before me and the other is a day after.

You know, I used to be scared when I saw the numbers going up. Now when I read about people getting nervous about being in their 30s, I find it quite er, funny.

Ok. Here’s something to ponder. Theoretically, I should say that I am 32 going to be 33. However, when we were born, people didn’t say that we are zero. Only when we completed a year then they say we are one. So technically, tomorrow, I would have lived for 33 years, and working towards becoming 34 the following day.

In a matter of 3 days, I go from being 32 to 33 to 34. We are actually 2 years older than we think! Hahaha… What load of rubbish! But it does make sense, right?

I’m fine with my age.

Er.. Maybe I won’t be able to say the same when I hit 40, but heck! That’s seven years from now, oh wait! Is it 6 years? WTF? Let’s not go there.

silly

Silly silly silly.

How to deal with silliness?

of a sister and a rockstar

To be honest, after cycling to work for the past 3 days I'm tired. My body is aching. I woke up late almost every morning. Dang! I am so out of shape.

Mmm.. isn't it a great wonder that we always whine about anything and everything? Heheh... I'm sure once I got back into the rhythm I'd be ok. (I'm trying to psyche myself up)

When I was young I always thought that I would one day become a corporate person. Work on the 25th floor, have my own office and always have people doing my biddings.

Kwang kwang kwang…

What was I thinking? Thank God that dream didn’t come true. I think I’d commit myself to a madhouse if it did happen. I realised that that's not for me. I could never be that person. I was chided by a few relatives when I quit my slightly cushy job in Msia. They told me what a huge mistake I made.

If I stayed behind I'd probably feel depressed by it all. Thank goodness for my sister who always let me decide for myself. I know sometimes she doesn't understand me but at least she doesn't criticise the things I do. She takes me as I am and that's the best thing about her. I think my mom would do the same if she was still around. I know there are issues that I have to work out, but at least I am quite happy with how things turn out to be.

Isn’t it easier to be a cat? If I had nine lives, I wanna be;

1. skinny woman who can eat anything and everything with no weight problem whatsoever
2. adventurous cat who love mountains and lives in Colorado Springs so I could enjoy sunset and sunrise any time
3. fabulous rockstar who gets all the gorgeous ladies
4. flower that never die and blooms every spring and make everyone smiles
5. sexy vampire who is content with small things she had and a loved one, and not having to drink blood

Mmmm… I would have to think of the other 4 lives. What it’s gonna be, huh?

tra.. lala..lala..

I bought a new bike... yeeehaaaa...

Don't ask me how much I spent on it, plus all the accessories, but it's enough to put a huge dent in my pocket. The lock itself costs me a bomb but I don't mind. I like.

I went to carboot sales, looked up in gumtree and ebay, but in the end I know deep down I prefer to get a new one. Urrggh.. you must think that I am shallow, but heck, to each her own.

Here's to a good summer! Cheers!

of heartbreak hotel

Back in the days when I first ran away from heartbreak, I bled like nobody’s business. I didn’t know it could hurt so much. I didn’t know it was going to make me numb and shut me off from everything that I was familiar with.

I thought how could this be? I didn’t even know I was in love. I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone so much that I felt I wanted to die when things turned sour.

Well, sour is an understatement. I hit rock bottom. How many times during the nights I cried myself to sleep? How many times I was furious with myself for being such a complete idiot? How many times I felt the knife went deeper every times I saw the other person pulled away from me?

I hated myself for being so vulnerable.

My heart was red and swollen. I had no other way but to drown myself in a different direction. How could I begin to tell you that I ached so badly that my heart had duct tapes all over it?

I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to be loved. If I could love someone unconditionally, why couldn’t someone love me back? Is it too much to ask?

I heal over time, and I rejoice for a while after I come up to the surface. But when I think I’m ready to start over and find a person who could love me as I am, I am scared. Where do I begin? Where do I find love, or does love comes looking for me? Clueless is what I am.

When a friend found out that her partner cheated on her, I told her to re-invent herself. Easy to say, eh? Now how do I do that to myself? Where do I go to find all the people who would find me attractive and interesting to date?

Wait! Now that I know who my type is, do I really want to date, or do I want to go straight to bed? LOL. That would be fascinating!

of a softie and a bouncer

I officially began my new life as a full time staff at an internet café last Wednesday. It’s not really an exciting job, but it pays the bills. I work long hours, but then again even with my previous company I work even longer hours and sometimes I was not at home for days.

I guess this one is okay. No fancy title to define who I am. No big salary or a beemer to show off. No expensive dresses or gadget to match.

To be honest, I asked myself, do I really care? Does it bother me that I don’t have all these? Imagine when I go home to Malaysia and people would be asking,

“So what do you do in London?”

“I work at internet café”

“Really? You mean you have an internet café?”

“No. I’m the bouncer”

“Oh!”

Ah well.

I am the bouncer, really. I have thrown a few people out of my store. You see, 3 teenagers came to the store almost every day. One day I caught them in the area that was closed so I threw them out. This week they came again, and I suspected that they were hacking into the system.

I confronted them. Me short fat woman, them big tall boys. I am not the confrontational type. Never. I walk from an argument and even if I tried, I’d lose big time. My hands were shaking and my voice trembled. They made it worse when one of them challenged me. I called 999. Well, I didn’t really call the police, but I pretended that I did.

A lot of things had happened since I work here. Some are good, some bad. The bad ones make me wish that I never changed my job, but I guess it’s the harsh and hard reality of life that one has to face.

I am simple yet complicated. The softie me will have to toughen up. And I guess it’s about time to discover and re-discover.

damn thief!

I am pissed off! Somehow, someone managed to disrupt my contented life.

You see, I was looking forward to a new job somewhere locally so that I can cycle to work. My two-years old bike was still good looking and in great condition. I had an old lock but I bought new chain lock that require combination just so I could park it on the street without having to worry.

I wired a pedometer to calculate the distance, time and speed when I cycle. I added new front and rear lights and put a drink holder for my convenience.

I even kept it in the hallway of my building.

All for nothing.

Some fucker managed to get inside and stole it right under my nose.

I know it's only a bike but it's £200 gone!

of love and path

Today I am honoured to be among the families to celebrate their official wedding ceremony. They finally come out. (mmm.. that sounds very familiar)

She was the most gorgeous bride and he was looking rather handsome. Together they are beautiful. I had to hold back my tears when I looked at them.

I could not imagine how it was to keep a secret for years. Yet, now I could and I understand because I'd be living a similar life and keeping a secret myself.

She knows me well. Our paths are parallel.

To The Mentor and her groom, may God bless you and give you all the happiness in the world.



I love you.

what makes you you

Found out my new boss has a blog and he was too happy to let me know about it. However, there's no way I'm telling him about mine.

He had this on it, and I quite like the phrases.


The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you have anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish and having ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are frank and honest, people may cheat you. Be frank and honest anyway.

If you are successful, you may win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may try to destroy overnight. Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it's between you and God. It was never between you and THEM anyway.

three

3 weeks to live double lives.

3 weeks of being a juggler.

3 weeks of madness.

3 weeks of being a liar.

3 weeks of cheating.

3 weeks to make as much as one can.

3 weeks to liberation.

3 weeks to being sane.

3 weeks to start cycling.

3 weeks to leave.

3 weeks to stay.

3 weeks of driving.

Only 3 more weeks!

of war and truth

When I started blogging, I was in an angry, restless and confused state. Maybe my words were not too harsh, and I wasn't too bitchy, but I was angry nonetheless.

I wasn't happy with a lot of things, but most of all, wasn't happy with myself. I needed an outlet. And truth be told, blogging never ceased to amaze me and it didn't disappoint me either. Sometimes I had so much to tell, but couldn't find the words to write. So, they dissappear into the air. And some things are better kept to myself.

I had one before this titled FTBB with a real picture of skulls and destruction and that reflected what I was going through at that time. I was in a war.

Then I closed that chapter because I didn't know what I was fighting for.

Even when I started this one, I wasn't really sure of the title. I thought it was kinda corny, and it reflected only some parts of me. I didn't know where exactly I stand. In between what? Two countries? Two feelings? Two football clubs? Two choices? Two loves? What worlds?

The truth was that I wasn't sure about everything. Full stop.

But I realised the title says it all. I was in between. Now I'm on the other side.

of moving on

I said before that I have less and less ice cream to share.

As of mid May (wishful thinking) I will not have any left.

I loved the old company. I love The Mentor, and being the nicest person I had ever met, it's natural that I am going to miss her so damn much. Also, I am going to miss all the whinging and gossips, and the late evening phone calls chatting for hours about everything and nothing.

I am going to miss the creamy Belgian Double Chocolate and Dark Roast Coffee that gives the same kick as any Starbucks drinks. I will miss the green country sights and the beautiful dales that sooth me every time I see them.

What I won't miss is the knackered ice cream vans. And I'm not going to miss the long morning drive to Newcastle or Cornwall and be back on the same night. I will not miss the angry clients, and the less supportive colleagues.

It has been a very long and tiring but interesting journey. But some thing has to end somewhere.

Things happen for a reason

Since I last post an entry, there have been quite a lot of things that happened to me and my humdrum routine.

I could say that I had been fighting a lot. Literally. The changes that I'm going through are quite exhilarating and interesting. It's just another adventure. The last one was quite a shaky experience. This time it's a lifestyle. One that I'm sure of.

The beginning was quite frightening, I kid you not. It was as if I lived through madness and hell. Something that I wish I do not have to go through again. It's exhausting and very unpleasant. Yet, if I had to do it all over again, I'd pray for a shorter and quicker route to get to where I am today.

Forever I would be grateful to the people who have been supporting me. I could never asked for better friends than them lot. They show me the utmost understanding that overwhelmed every little doubt I had. They gave me the power not to be afraid anymore. They give me confidence to live, and they show me kindness to be happy.

I haven't changed. Yet, I have changed.

Changes. I love the word. It meant a lot to me. When you have been in a limbo like I had, you'd appreciate the little things that changed you. The big thing would take you by force. It's either you survive it, or die trying.

I have survived and accepted it. And I have adjusted it to suit myself.

What I want now is peace. What I need now is friendship. And what I desire now you can't imagine.

I AM MUSLIM

After the long wait for her book, I finally got a signed copy from DZ.

It was kind of TTG to bring it with her, and we really wish that you and Lily were here with us so we could get loose in London. Imagine 4 beautiful women together, we'd create a riot!

I'm proud of you my friend. Sad though cos I wasn't there to attend the launch but from what I heard and read I'm glad it was really 'happening' and a success. Next year for IAM2, I don't care one, I don't want to be left out again.

Thank you babe! For the mention in the book. Now all I have to do is wait for the orders. Hahaha...

For those who hasn't got a copy of DZ's book, what the heck are you waiting for? Go get one. Now!

dis...

It seems like this blog has almost run its course. I am thinking maybe it's time to let it go, for ever. I love blogging, but am not sure this is what I want anymore.

Some of my friends have discontinued theirs. I have nothing else to write, no stories to tell, and less and less ice cream to share.

I'll think about it.

Yahoooooooooooooooo!!!

aaaa.. ahaaaa
Dancing in the dark middle of the night
Taking your heart and holding it tight
Emotional touch touching my skin
And asking you to do
what you've been doing all over again

Ohh...
it's a beautiful thing
don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know
what it is that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Ohhh... it's your love

Better than I was, more than I am
And all of this happened by taking your hand
And who I am now is who I wanted to be
And now that we're together,
I'm stronger than ever I'm happy and free

Ohhh... it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
If you asked me why I've changed,
All I gotta do is say your sweet name

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Ohhh.. it's your love

Ohhh... it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know what it is
that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't let go
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under,
Ohhh... it's your love
It's your love, it's your love, it's your love


Before you ask, no, no and no. I am not in love. But I am glad and feel like screaming for all the things that happened to me recently. I feel like telling the whole world about what I have found in myself, but I can't.

It's enough to say that I finally accept me for who I am. I am no longer searching for the lost soul. For years I was confused and depressed. I was scared and ashamed to dig deeper but in the last few weeks I have found the missing puzzle. I pieced them together and suddenly it became very clear. Crystal! It was there all along but I never saw it.

And my God, look at what it does to me! I am so happy and free that I couldn't stop this bubbling crazy feeling inside me. I feel like suddenly I have wings and could fly to wherever. Well, you could say that I'm in love with myself.

Hahahaha... 2007 will be good, I hope.

Bad Case of Resentment

Mmm... I'm going through a weird motion and I'm a little stress. It's just something that I can't talk about or express openly. Maybe one day I can.

A friend of mine Marc got a new job, and while I am happy for him, I do feel slightly jealous of him. But not enough for him to notice it. I may envy him a little, but he deserves it because he works hard to be where he is today. He actually put me to shame, therefore now I'm trying all out to send my CV and find a local job.

However, there is another girl Agy, who upon finding out that he got a new and better job, shows obvious resentment. The look on her face just suddenly changed and according to Marc her stare could kill someone. I know the kind of cold treatment she was giving Marc, and I feel for Marc because it wasn't even his fault.

Marc is a very friendly and cheerful person. He does have a lot of friends and always out and about. Whenever I spoke to him, he's always out drinking with someone or at a party. He loves drinking but he couldn't hold his drinks that well. After a few glasses of wine, he's done. At one party, he couldn't even remember that he claimed he was Jesus coming to town to save the people. It was rather funny, and we joke about that a lot.

Agy on the other hand is kinda annoying. She keeps tab on her housemates, prying into their life and checking up on them like she's their mother or something. She normally stays at home after work and hardly goes out with friends. When The Candle Girl comes home late, Agy would be asking her where she go and stuff. And when they didn't tell her their plans, she would be furious and annoyed with them.

I told Marc that she has a bad case of resentment towards them. I'm no psychologist but I think she feels left out, and she desperately wanted to be included in their outing plans. I do however think that if you're genuine and honest, you should be happy for your friends.

In this case, I think it was some kind of race of who can get a new job first between the two of them. Maybe Marc didn't feel that way, but I know Agy does. When I met Marc last nite, we finally analyse and noticed the little hints here and there in everything she does. It comes to a point that both Marc and The CG didn't want to tell her of their plan to go to Valencia in case she wanted to tag along. She told them that they have to let her know next time they want to meet me because she she wants to join, but guess what? They didn't tell her about meeting me last night.

Ah well. Good food, good company. I had a great time.