growing pains

Once there's a story of men and women, of life and love and of happiness and sorrow.

Sometimes when we are too happy, we forget that one day we might be at the bottom of the wheel. We may think that tragedy would never strike us, but how so wrong we can be. Many things can happen in the blink of an eye. One day we are laughing, the next day we are crying.

When we are vulnerable many people will try to take advantage. Old friends we never met for ten years, or long lost realtives suddenly resurfaced. They become ruthless in their pursue, offering help and advices, pretending to be the ones that care when in fact they have their own agendas.

We probably didn't share similar stories or tragedies. Nor do we have the same approach to cope with our losses. Yet, we have the same destination. We left to find happiness on this isle we now call home.

I heard it so many times now that I am where I am today. The people here, I pity them because they have nothing better to do than talk nonsense.

Sometimes I wonder about people. I know that they may be worried or care about us, the gullible young women, but honest to God, I believe we are able to fend for ourselves. Personally, I think that it is good that they genuinely care but there will be times when we want to be by ourselves. Except that the less genuine ones won't leave us alone.

It doesn't matter what we do with our time. If I want to drown in my sorrow, or sleep the whole day or if I want to reflect on my life, they don't need to know unless I want them to know. It is in fact my private moments.

What I do in my own time is my business. If I want to be friend with one person but not the other, it's my business. The thing about being at this place is that whatever comments being made by someone will spread around so fast like an epidemic.

"Pegi Tinseltown tak ajak I pun", "eh sekarang sultanlingga rapat dengan ewok yea?", "mana menghilang diri tak nampak for a few days?"

I don't want to risk sounding like an arrogant bitch but I can't understand why.

Why do you care that I went out for dinner with someone and not invited you? Have you invited me to any of your outings? Do you need to keep tab on everybody's movement? Where does it hurt, your ego?

Maybe it's time we all grow up even if some of them are old enough to be gramps.

m3m3

I can't remember when was the last I did a meme. It has been a while and to be honest, I'm not a meme kinda girl. Yet, when I saw this at one blog, I just can't help myself.


1. Three things that scare me:

• Being pregnant and giving birth
• Thrown in jail
• My life is short lived

2. Three people that make me laugh:

• JackJack
• Faith and Hope (the sitcom)
• I can't think as I hardly laugh these days

3. Three things I hate the most:

• Racism, classicism, cronyism, ah hell, any kind of discrimination
• Liars and people who likes to take advantage
• Spoilt rich kids

4. Three things I don’t understand:

• Why people like to mind other people business
• Why can't Muslims be united
• Chemistry, Physics, all sort of sciences

5. Three things I’m doing right now:

• Listening to The HITS
• Thinking about dinner
• Yawning

6. Three things I want to do before I die:

• Travel a lot more…for example, see the Mayan ruins, the Incan ruins, take TranSiberia Train Journey and go to beautiful islands ie Bora Bora...
• Work on a cruise ship
• Fly a plane

7. Three things I can do:

• Cook
• DIY at home
• Read maps and navigate a foreign city

8. Three ways to describe my personality:

• Very caring (once you get to know me)
• Highly sensitive and emotional
• Fiercely loyal

9. Three things I can’t do:

• Be bitchy
• Curl my tongue
• Pretend that I like someone when I can't stand him or her

10. Three things I think you should listen to:

• Srikandi Cintaku
• Your intuition
• Your heart (if different from your intuition)

11. Three things you should never listen to:

• Emotional blackmail
• Unfounded rumors
• George Bush

12. Three things I’d like to learn:

• How to shake my hips and dance like Shakira
• How not to cry at the drop of a hat
• How be a good talker and listener

13. Three favourite foods:

• Mee Rebus/Kari
• Nasi Goreng with ayam goreng
• Chocolate ice cream

14. Three beverages I drink regularly:

• Water
• Teh ais
• Iced tea (Hehehe)

15. Three shows I watched as a kid:

• Land of the Giants
• 3-2-1 Contact
• McGruder and Loud

It's the end of August but not the end of me

It feels so good after a long break from blogging. Of course I miss my friends and their stories, but I am glad that I had taken some times to be alone and be completely free of writing or reading blogs.

I hope that that break actually rejuvenates me.

As I wrote before, I had to move and now I am closer to the centre. Right smack in the middle of Malaysian community. Dulu I tak suka bercampur gaul dengan Malaysians disebabkan beberapa incidents that happened to me. Sorry lah beb! I don't like their attitudes so I kept well away from them. I'm not saying that all of them are similar and have bad attitude, but I wasn't interested anymore. I was happy to be on my own.

Now, padan muka saya! After I moved, I met a few Malaysians and I started hearing many stories about some people I don't even know. The politics, MasyaAllah! The mulut, MasyaAllah!

Pening dah saya ni. I go down to the cafe, tengah makan kalu, ada saja yang datang melepak kat meja I nak bercerita about this and that. Eh.. tolonglah! I may know your name ok but I dunno you well enough for you to start your gossips.

I just moved here and I'm not interested and I don't really give a shit, so give me some space. Sometimes when I was reading newspaper I had to block my mind just because I didn't want to listen.

Funny enough this place also gives me some new insight and taught me about the various characters in people. I learn about the value of making new friends, the art of manipulating people (I'm rubbish at it!), the danger of gatal-ed men and the anguish and obstacles one had to face to be where one is today.

If you stay long enough at this place, you will make make friends and foes. You will hear rumours and unfounded accusations. Mulut orang, betul atau tidak, kita tak boleh nak tutup.

Soon there will be a drama swasta.

Like it or not, I'm here but I wish I was somewhere else.

Tidak terasa

hendak menulis. Berhenti rehat lah kejap.

of swoon and scar

After 4 seasons with them, I think I had it up till here (see me choking my throat!?) I used to be enthusiastic about the shows plus etc etc. It has been great but that's it, no more.

There's no motivation and top it up with bad management, I'll blow them a kiss at the end of the year. I'm giving myself till at least February and not a day longer.

The only thing that may make me sad to leave is a very nice bloke who behave like a perfect gentleman and could still make me blush. He made me swoon just by doing little things for me i.e opening the door, carrying a box etc etc. Silly girl! The bad thing is that I had the security and warehouse people asking me about the gossip that has been spreading around. Come on guys, leave us alone. We have yet to go for our first date. Hmmmm...

The Mentor has also decided to leave and will give her notice in Aug, but since her contract says she had to give 6 months notice she will still be around until early next year. She had a fit last Tuesday and screamed at the MD for all the problems that the office and production managers have been ignoring.

My analysis is that the new directors (except for The Mentor) are ruining the hard work of their predecessors. They had created an awareness to our brand name and we are known as the premium (aka posh) ice cream, but these ignorant Americans think that they know everything. It is true what people say about Americans, they are just ... damned ignorant and selfish.

Anyway, I'm excited about my future. Weird isn't it? I don't even know what I'd be doing or whether I'm gonna have a job or not come next year. It scares the hell out of me but I'm still excited! Cuckoo me :)

As I was driving at Bayswater, I imagine myself having less pressured weeks ahead. Just relax if you know what I mean. I fancy going to a hairdresser and trim my hair. It's gone from bad to worse.

This heat is getting to me. I am darker and burned, and now I wish for a cooler normal British weather. Please God help me! Rain pun rain lah, I don't mind.

And being the klutz that I am, I hit my face with the car door when I was trying to load my boxes this morning. It hurts like hell. If people saw me they might think that I was abused, and honestly, I felt like lepas kena tempeleng ngan laki je, not that I know what it's like though. I'm scarred for life!

updates

Raihan will be performing at Holiday Villa on the 18th of this month. Please come and enjoy the best nasyid band ever. Honestly.

I never really paid attention to their music before but I saw them for the first time at Islam Expo last week. I had tears in my eyes just listening to their words. Made me feel humble and brought me back down to earth.

-----

I'd be moving this Saturday. Closer to central London where Oxford Street is just 10 minutes away and Hyde Park is near my doorstep. I'm sorta excited and scared too.

A few things happened on the 15th of July. It's CJ and Irfan's birthday. Then it's my father's 7th Death Anniversary. It seems hard when you see the word death, but how else would I say it, right?

-----

PS, here's another song for you.

Takkan Melupakanmu - Radja

song for the lovebirds

Dear my darling PS,

here's the first song for err... ahemm. Sorry it took me awhile to get started. You know lah kan. To others who listen, tell PS if you like what you hear. You can rate it too if you want (1-5 star).

Buat Aku Tersenyum - Sheila on 7

A few firsts

Thank you for all of you who wished me well on my birthday. Today really mean something for me because this is the first time in 4 years I didn't have to work on my birthday.

It has been a really good weekend I have to say.

It started on Friday evening when The Mentor and I were chatting and she asked what I wanted for my birthday. I jokingly said a ride on a hot air balloon, and without hesitating, she asked me to book it. That made me a little emotional because I could not believe what I heard and it shows that she does really care and though I work for her, she always treats me like family. I couldn't ask for a better boss.

The balloon ride, if I ever went on it, would probably be one of the best gifts I ever received and it could be my first and only experience.

Plus I got to enter the Buckingham Palace Garden. Even though it was for work, but hey, how many of us get that kind of chance?

Then it was the lunch organised by Kakteh, Jane & co. The tomyam steamboat was out of this world. This was the first time in my life having a steamboat and I like it a lot. It was a feast fit for a princess! Hehehe. And later a surprised cake, obviously the boy on the cake is Becks scoring for England, which he did today!

This morning I didn't have any breakfast simply because nak simpan perut for Kakteh's special mee bandung. At least I managed to jaga my manner and not slurp the gravy like one really hungry woman. Kalau boleh tu sampai nak hirup kuah lah! :)

Later, I went out to Leicester Square to meet up Kfiatek and Agata, and was greeted with a celebration by the England fans as we win against Ecuador. Those who said to leave the skipper out, you must be joking me!

K & A said they had a surprise for me. Apparently, there was another first for me, again, as we went up the London Eye a while later and had nice views of all of London.

To top it all, we had a nice dinner at a Mexican restaurant with fantastic food, good music and great company. Ahhhh...

Thank you everyone but you have to excuse me now, as I have to take a break and give my stomach a little rest. Thank God birthday only comes once a year!

unlucky star

How much more unlucky I have to be? Why does this happened to me every six months?

What sucks is that I had no control over the things that forced me to move, again. Yes, you heard me right.

Dammit.I.dowan.to.move.but.I.have.to. :( Nak marah pun tak guna

I am now a certified nomad.

of HRC

On Wednesday, Hard Rock Cafe London celebrated their 35th anniversary, and as always, we were asked to be there to give away samples.

Every year, on June 14th, prices at HRC are reduced to when it first started in 1971. Burgers for 55p, float for 20p etc etc. Plus you get free ice cream from us! Giler kan?

But the best part is that if we were lucky, we get to meet celebrities. Muahahahaa...

Last year, W & G met and mingled with the likes of Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon. I like Sharon, she's cool.

This time, I was so busy giving away freebies to people, I didn't realise Elton John was having a treat of our ice cream. He came back for his second tub and lingered outside talking to the people in the queue.

He was very nice and hang out with us. He was trying to be funny and wore balloon glasses made by the clown. A few minutes later he came to put them on me! We talked about a couple of things and he looked at the pictures on my phone. Nyeh nyeh nyeh...

What sucks was I didn't have my camera with me, so I have to make do with my phone. Unfortunately, I don't even have a cable to upload photos from my phone to laptop so you guys can't see the photos.

I heard there were a few more celebrities but we didn't see them. Chantelle from the Big Brother was there, but I don't fancy taking her photo. She's just another Paris Hilton.

Anyway, we had quite a nice time at HRC. We finished early and were treated to some good food from the manager. I don't know who we'll meet next year. That is if I'm still around.

footie talk

You may not be interested but this is what I found. Do you know that:

1. there's a Malay guy from Singapore who is one of the referees in World Cup 2006. His name is Shamsul Maidin and he refereed Sweden & Trinidad&Tobago's match(T&T)?

2. T&T is the smallest country in WC with only 1.07 million and they managed to qualify? Where is Malaysia that has all the supposedly world class facilities?

3. I am rooting for Czech Rep., Japan & South Korea too, and when Japan lost, my dislike for Australia has increase by ten fold?

4. the Degen twins of the Swiss team are rather cute?

5. the Cambodian monks were ordered to remain passive and not to cheer when watching matches or else they will lose their monkhoods?

6. the celebrity referee has retired and football has lost the best referee ever? Pierluigi Collina, the baldy guy, is now the face of Opel.

of the man who was my father

A few days ago, a man came to the flat looking for someone who used to live here. I do not know why but things like these always happened to me. People love coming to my place trying to locate… err anything.

It spooks me up, you know.

Things like these always triggered my memory to an incident that happened some times ago. You know when a stranger came knocking at your door, it is like a phone call in the middle of the night. You’d be on guard and constantly worrying.

At that time, mobile phones were huge and ugly. Only the rich kids and well-paid working adults could afford one. With my salary, I could only dream of owning an analog Motorola. Besaq gedabak. Berat plak tu, baling anjing pun boleh mati one.

I was at a stage where I did not like family gathering and I stayed away as far as I can. They knew where I lived and Aci came to see me a few times when she came down to KL. Raya time, I spent the first day at home, and the second morning I couldn’t wait to leave to be with CJ’s family. I distanced myself and I would only call home maybe twice a year.

Yes. I was that bad. I was thinking I had nothing to worry about. No more sick mother. My father had his new wife and my siblings have their own family. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, but I just didn’t want to spend my time with them. It must be all that angst. It was my choice and I wanted to be left alone.

One night in 1999, PS, CJ and I were watching marathon of films at home. I remember feeling so bored and I think when I went to bed, I tido mati. Didn’t even stir a little. It was early morning when the knock came. Mind you, I didn’t hear any knocks, but PS came to our room and woke me up because there was two policemen outside looking for me.

Gulp! That really spooked me up. Maybe they were to arrest me since I fucked up my credit card in the States. (Everyone did it, so spare me the lecture)

I couldn’t find my voice when I faced them. I didn’t know what to say, so I nodded and hmmp-ed. My way of telling them I’m the one they were looking for. It must have been 5 am but everyone in the flat was fully awake by now.

It seemed that my family was trying to contact me urgently, and because I didn’t have a mobile, and I wasn’t in touch with my cousins, Aci decided to ring Sentul Police to help find me. My father passed away in his sleep.

I remember leaning on the wall and sliding down to the floor. I was thinking that finally I didn’t have to put up with him again. I didn’t cry, just that the news was finally sinking in.

CJ and PS made all the arrangements for me to fly home and sent me to the airport, for which PS got a ticket for illegal parking. Yes, I remember that too.

When I reached his wife’s kampong, I didn’t feel any sadness. I felt that my family was treated like strangers in their house. He was our father, but we were unable to arrange for his funeral. They have taken over everything and left us in limbo. We were not allowed to take him back to our house where he lived all his life. Na was furious, and insisted that at least father be buried near mom.

I recall sitting inside and looking at the people whom I didn’t know, and I resented my father for that. Why does he have to die in a stranger’s house?

Many questions popped out in my head. Was my father there for me when I needed him? Was he affectionate and loving? Was he a good dad? Did her ever hugged me?

For me, he was just… a father. He played no important roles in my life. I resented the way he treated my mother. I resented the way he carried his role as a father. I was mad at him for reasons I couldn’t even explain. For many years, I carried on thinking that he was responsible for many unhappiness. To me, he looked like he was not interested in his family, in us.

When mom was alive, I used her as a mediator to ask money or anything from him. I never asked him myself. When I called home, it was mom whom I talked to. When I went home, the longest time we talked was when we argued over which tv channel to watch. We never had any deep conversations like some father and daughter. I didn’t like talking to him, so I usually cut it short. We liked to belittle his many failed enterprises. When he got married again, Aci and I quarrelled with him and were not on the speaking term.

After all these years, I realised that he was just human. How would he know how to be a good father when there was no manuals for fathers? He just went head on following his instinct. He tried to do his best. Somewhere along the line, I wonder if he was hurt by my dismissal of him. By our treatments.

The year before he died, I noticed that he was aging and he wanted to be around the family, but we didn’t really grasp the point. Or maybe it was me who didn’t get it. I thought, wait a minute, he had his wife!

I know he was proud of me. Of his children, considering that everyone of us menjadi, according to orang kampung. Yet, I didn’t do anything to reconnect with him.

I am not mad at him anymore. That feeling is just in the past. Honestly, I thought I didn't have any love for him but after putting my anger aside and thinking as a mature adult, I do love him. For all the flaws that he had, he is still my father and sometimes I can see that there are things that I take after him.

These days, I am sad for I didn’t have the chance to treat him differently. Two years ago, I was still having problems understanding him. That was why I wrote the letter to the grave. I have changed and now I regret that I didn’t make an effort to get to know him., or talk to him, or just spend more time with him. If only he was still alive today, I would be a different daughter.

Father’s day is coming soon. I have always said that I am my mother’s daughter, but sometimes I wish that I was my father’s little girl. I have never ever cried for my father but tonight I did. For all the ups and downs in his life, he wasn’t so bad after all. If only he knew.

Al-Fatihah.

I got it back!

To CarlBryant at http://carlstinybrain.blogspot.com , thank you for your help. The blog is now back to normal. Fuuuuhh!

WTF!!!!!

what the hell happened to my blog????? Everything got deleted after maintenance. To think that I have spent time customising all the little details. They're all gone! Dang!!!!!

minat (or minah) bola

So, World Cup is now upon us. Everywhere I go, I will see that famous St. George’s flag. In cars, on the doors, on the roof (I kid you not), on the windows, and basically anywhere I turn my head lah. I have one next to my mirror, plus I have my gnome!

It’s good that I’m cheering for Becks and gang. But since I’m a freak, I will try to watch other interesting matches. I could be the worst football commentator alive, for I know nought about it. I just love watching men sepaking the bola around. Ain't it beautiful? Ahakss.

But aiyo this Saturday I work maaaaah… how lor? Boss, can give time off ah?

My favourites would be, of course England, Brasil (cos ada mamat jongang cute tu), and Netherlands. I love the spirit of the Oranje!

Today we see a couple of Group A clashes with the hosts Germany taking on Costa Rica, and Poland squaring off against Ecuador. Here’s my predictions of the outcome of these two games.

Germany 2 Costa Rica 0 Ger 4 CR 2 (betul la tu 2 gol diff :)
Poland 2 Ecuador 1 Pol 0 Ecu 2 (aik! pedah jadi?)


Group B predictions:

England 2 Paraguay 1 Eng 1 Par 0
Sweden 2 Trinidad & Tobago 0 Swe 0 T&T 0

of being an extra

Last year, out of the blue Kfiatek and I went to an audition at King's Cross. At the end of the audition, Kfiatek backed off but I decided to register with the casting agency.

They promised that all new faces that were featured in their candidate catalogues would at least get one assignment in a year. Imagine my anticipation.

But nothing happened. Cheh! Spoil sungguh.

I didn't bother anymore, but lately, I have been getting lotsa emails about me being shortlisted for potential extra. For HSBC ads, insurance ads, oh and also George Michael new music video!

Hahahahaaa... As if I would be selected. Must be their tactics to get me to pay and register again.

Berhenti berharap la. Hehehehe

Sorry...

If you accidently read my previous entry, please pardon my French. And the heat got to my head.

I seriously thought about slashing the tires, and smashing the windows, but takuttt... kena tangkap kang naya je. Terus kena deport balik. Heh

bila madu menjadi bitter

I'm in the mood to write and relate stuff with peribahasa.

Some peribahasa can be used in a broad manner and nowadays, anything goes what!

A good friend of mine told me that I have been too soft hearted and too nice to people. It's time, she said, to be selfish and think more about myself.

Quote. Tapi satu je hang kena ingat, buat baik berpada-pada. You have done quite a lot for X. But X has not proven his/her worth to you yet (except making you laugh la...). Of course kalau kita tolong orang tu, kita kena ikhlas, tapi kena ingat jugak, bila hari kita sampai nanti, adakah dia akan buat the same thing for us. It's ok to be a bit more selfish. Unquote.

My friend forced me to see it from her point of view, and The Mentor has been saying the same thing to me over and over again. I agree with them. Totally. Dah ramai orang dok pijak kepala ni. Yet, I cannot turn away when people ask me, can I? It would be rude.

I am a very emotional lass, and I came fully loaded with goodness ie macam cream and butter (ni masuk bakul naik lif) I may act tough, acuh tak acuh and independent, but I still remember my manner. My mother's school of thought.

Last night, as I was dozzing off I had some flashings in my head. My brain was telling me that I have been discarded from someone's life. After getting all one wanted from me, I'm no longer of any use to that person. You know, like the saying, habis madu sepah dibuang.

Fine. I wish the person a good life.

of cinta and sin

aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat
tak ada cinta ku dapat
-SO7-

Lately I haven't been reading any news at all because busy jadi Tom Tom but last night I managed to catch up on dz's blog. Tup tup ada cerita Misyar. Apa kebendenya tu? I thought ramai orang nak kawin with Misha Omar. Huh? Makcik blur...

Whatever lah. Malaysians have weird sense of humor, eh? Dunia dah tunggang terbalik pun Malaysian politicians and artists still dok citer pasal kawin. There must be something wrong somewhere when man made law is being hailed greater than God's. Terlampau pandai sangat dah.

Sedar tak sedar we all live in sin, but semua tak mengaku. Bodohlah sapa yang mengaku tu, kan? Heh. Most of us try to be as sinless as possible, but some just like to close one eye.

Ni kawin misyar ni nak consider them doing a favor to womenfolks ke? Baik tak payah lah bang oi. I believe many single and successful women are not too bothered anymore with a husband. Such nuisance unless kalau dah betul betul cinta. But where got one? Ada la dua tiga kerat yang really found love, the rest... hummmp. If the man says kawin misyar ni doing the woman a favor, he can jolly well sod-off.

I prefer having a boyfriend to a husband. If it's easy to leave then I think you work harder, but at least you won't be tied down and feel trapped. As soon as you have a ring on your finger, you start taking the other person for granted, and the love goes out the bloody window, and I don't like that. I'm quite a romantic lass and I do like love and all the business that goes with it. But marriage? Errr... prove yourself worthy first for me to pass through hell on the way to heaven.

Blimey! My sister would choke if she reads this. But as long as it makes sense to me, who are you to say anything, right? =)

We live in sin, folks!

of changes and glamour

Funny eh? I got so many things I want to write about and when I'm in front of the computer, they all puff into the air. There's something in the water :)

I've never received so many text messages in my life before like I did a few days ago. Perasan glemer sekejap. Ahakkksss.

Anyway, back to real life. I'm going to whine about the lack of my social life. Honestly, it has gone from bad to worse. Work is taking up most of my time, working till late hours. It may sound good or exciting on papers, but the down side of it is that I hardly had time to even go out for a coffee with a friend anymore.

When was the last time I went out for a walk? 6 weeks ago maybe.

I was away last friday and only got home on monday, and I'm going away again this friday only to come home next tuesday. If I managed to stay alive, that is.

Ok, now I remember what I want to write.

What I want to say is that people change.

Heh... tetiba je masuk bab ni. Someone made a comment to me which I feel memang kena kat batang hidung I. But the thing is that komen kena to the former me, before I started to go through another transformation.

I have gone through phases, which I believe everyone does too. When I was young, I was a bully, loud and naughty. I did some of the unthinkable, but I was brave and foolish at the same time.

Then I became the nice person, who wouldn't even break a rule. Always jovial and helpful, but I didn't know much about everything else. I thought the world belongs to me.

At some point, I changed to become someone who rebel and hate other people's company. I wanted to do things on my own, wanted to be different, didn't care if I'm accepted or not, and I was a loner. I had that 'who cares' attitude.

In recent time, I broke a few laws, became restless, heartbroken, lost my confidence, had low self-esteem, didn't think much of the consequences, didn't like talking to people and was still a loner.

However, things are changing, yet again. I think I have become a deep thinker and listen a lot. Still brave but dah ada perasaan takut tu. My heart still stay the same, but my common sense is telling me that some things need to be done differently. I may break a few more laws, do foolish stunts, but I am thinking about the right things to do for the future.

Believe it or not, without me realising it, I'm opening up to people now. Slowly. Through blog and other venues. I'm trying to rid my shyness. heh

The point is some things that I said years ago may not valid today. One cannot hold that against me. I may have a good reason for saying it at that time but it could have been irrelevant at this point. I cannot help myself but to go along with the changes if I think it's best for me.

Deep down, I am still me. I still have the same characters I had when I was young. The only thing that is changing are the way I think and the way I do things.

And there're some good people left in the world. I'm one of them. Hehehe...