A few firsts

Thank you for all of you who wished me well on my birthday. Today really mean something for me because this is the first time in 4 years I didn't have to work on my birthday.

It has been a really good weekend I have to say.

It started on Friday evening when The Mentor and I were chatting and she asked what I wanted for my birthday. I jokingly said a ride on a hot air balloon, and without hesitating, she asked me to book it. That made me a little emotional because I could not believe what I heard and it shows that she does really care and though I work for her, she always treats me like family. I couldn't ask for a better boss.

The balloon ride, if I ever went on it, would probably be one of the best gifts I ever received and it could be my first and only experience.

Plus I got to enter the Buckingham Palace Garden. Even though it was for work, but hey, how many of us get that kind of chance?

Then it was the lunch organised by Kakteh, Jane & co. The tomyam steamboat was out of this world. This was the first time in my life having a steamboat and I like it a lot. It was a feast fit for a princess! Hehehe. And later a surprised cake, obviously the boy on the cake is Becks scoring for England, which he did today!

This morning I didn't have any breakfast simply because nak simpan perut for Kakteh's special mee bandung. At least I managed to jaga my manner and not slurp the gravy like one really hungry woman. Kalau boleh tu sampai nak hirup kuah lah! :)

Later, I went out to Leicester Square to meet up Kfiatek and Agata, and was greeted with a celebration by the England fans as we win against Ecuador. Those who said to leave the skipper out, you must be joking me!

K & A said they had a surprise for me. Apparently, there was another first for me, again, as we went up the London Eye a while later and had nice views of all of London.

To top it all, we had a nice dinner at a Mexican restaurant with fantastic food, good music and great company. Ahhhh...

Thank you everyone but you have to excuse me now, as I have to take a break and give my stomach a little rest. Thank God birthday only comes once a year!

unlucky star

How much more unlucky I have to be? Why does this happened to me every six months?

What sucks is that I had no control over the things that forced me to move, again. Yes, you heard me right.

Dammit.I.dowan.to.move.but.I.have.to. :( Nak marah pun tak guna

I am now a certified nomad.

of HRC

On Wednesday, Hard Rock Cafe London celebrated their 35th anniversary, and as always, we were asked to be there to give away samples.

Every year, on June 14th, prices at HRC are reduced to when it first started in 1971. Burgers for 55p, float for 20p etc etc. Plus you get free ice cream from us! Giler kan?

But the best part is that if we were lucky, we get to meet celebrities. Muahahahaa...

Last year, W & G met and mingled with the likes of Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon. I like Sharon, she's cool.

This time, I was so busy giving away freebies to people, I didn't realise Elton John was having a treat of our ice cream. He came back for his second tub and lingered outside talking to the people in the queue.

He was very nice and hang out with us. He was trying to be funny and wore balloon glasses made by the clown. A few minutes later he came to put them on me! We talked about a couple of things and he looked at the pictures on my phone. Nyeh nyeh nyeh...

What sucks was I didn't have my camera with me, so I have to make do with my phone. Unfortunately, I don't even have a cable to upload photos from my phone to laptop so you guys can't see the photos.

I heard there were a few more celebrities but we didn't see them. Chantelle from the Big Brother was there, but I don't fancy taking her photo. She's just another Paris Hilton.

Anyway, we had quite a nice time at HRC. We finished early and were treated to some good food from the manager. I don't know who we'll meet next year. That is if I'm still around.

footie talk

You may not be interested but this is what I found. Do you know that:

1. there's a Malay guy from Singapore who is one of the referees in World Cup 2006. His name is Shamsul Maidin and he refereed Sweden & Trinidad&Tobago's match(T&T)?

2. T&T is the smallest country in WC with only 1.07 million and they managed to qualify? Where is Malaysia that has all the supposedly world class facilities?

3. I am rooting for Czech Rep., Japan & South Korea too, and when Japan lost, my dislike for Australia has increase by ten fold?

4. the Degen twins of the Swiss team are rather cute?

5. the Cambodian monks were ordered to remain passive and not to cheer when watching matches or else they will lose their monkhoods?

6. the celebrity referee has retired and football has lost the best referee ever? Pierluigi Collina, the baldy guy, is now the face of Opel.

of the man who was my father

A few days ago, a man came to the flat looking for someone who used to live here. I do not know why but things like these always happened to me. People love coming to my place trying to locate… err anything.

It spooks me up, you know.

Things like these always triggered my memory to an incident that happened some times ago. You know when a stranger came knocking at your door, it is like a phone call in the middle of the night. You’d be on guard and constantly worrying.

At that time, mobile phones were huge and ugly. Only the rich kids and well-paid working adults could afford one. With my salary, I could only dream of owning an analog Motorola. Besaq gedabak. Berat plak tu, baling anjing pun boleh mati one.

I was at a stage where I did not like family gathering and I stayed away as far as I can. They knew where I lived and Aci came to see me a few times when she came down to KL. Raya time, I spent the first day at home, and the second morning I couldn’t wait to leave to be with CJ’s family. I distanced myself and I would only call home maybe twice a year.

Yes. I was that bad. I was thinking I had nothing to worry about. No more sick mother. My father had his new wife and my siblings have their own family. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, but I just didn’t want to spend my time with them. It must be all that angst. It was my choice and I wanted to be left alone.

One night in 1999, PS, CJ and I were watching marathon of films at home. I remember feeling so bored and I think when I went to bed, I tido mati. Didn’t even stir a little. It was early morning when the knock came. Mind you, I didn’t hear any knocks, but PS came to our room and woke me up because there was two policemen outside looking for me.

Gulp! That really spooked me up. Maybe they were to arrest me since I fucked up my credit card in the States. (Everyone did it, so spare me the lecture)

I couldn’t find my voice when I faced them. I didn’t know what to say, so I nodded and hmmp-ed. My way of telling them I’m the one they were looking for. It must have been 5 am but everyone in the flat was fully awake by now.

It seemed that my family was trying to contact me urgently, and because I didn’t have a mobile, and I wasn’t in touch with my cousins, Aci decided to ring Sentul Police to help find me. My father passed away in his sleep.

I remember leaning on the wall and sliding down to the floor. I was thinking that finally I didn’t have to put up with him again. I didn’t cry, just that the news was finally sinking in.

CJ and PS made all the arrangements for me to fly home and sent me to the airport, for which PS got a ticket for illegal parking. Yes, I remember that too.

When I reached his wife’s kampong, I didn’t feel any sadness. I felt that my family was treated like strangers in their house. He was our father, but we were unable to arrange for his funeral. They have taken over everything and left us in limbo. We were not allowed to take him back to our house where he lived all his life. Na was furious, and insisted that at least father be buried near mom.

I recall sitting inside and looking at the people whom I didn’t know, and I resented my father for that. Why does he have to die in a stranger’s house?

Many questions popped out in my head. Was my father there for me when I needed him? Was he affectionate and loving? Was he a good dad? Did her ever hugged me?

For me, he was just… a father. He played no important roles in my life. I resented the way he treated my mother. I resented the way he carried his role as a father. I was mad at him for reasons I couldn’t even explain. For many years, I carried on thinking that he was responsible for many unhappiness. To me, he looked like he was not interested in his family, in us.

When mom was alive, I used her as a mediator to ask money or anything from him. I never asked him myself. When I called home, it was mom whom I talked to. When I went home, the longest time we talked was when we argued over which tv channel to watch. We never had any deep conversations like some father and daughter. I didn’t like talking to him, so I usually cut it short. We liked to belittle his many failed enterprises. When he got married again, Aci and I quarrelled with him and were not on the speaking term.

After all these years, I realised that he was just human. How would he know how to be a good father when there was no manuals for fathers? He just went head on following his instinct. He tried to do his best. Somewhere along the line, I wonder if he was hurt by my dismissal of him. By our treatments.

The year before he died, I noticed that he was aging and he wanted to be around the family, but we didn’t really grasp the point. Or maybe it was me who didn’t get it. I thought, wait a minute, he had his wife!

I know he was proud of me. Of his children, considering that everyone of us menjadi, according to orang kampung. Yet, I didn’t do anything to reconnect with him.

I am not mad at him anymore. That feeling is just in the past. Honestly, I thought I didn't have any love for him but after putting my anger aside and thinking as a mature adult, I do love him. For all the flaws that he had, he is still my father and sometimes I can see that there are things that I take after him.

These days, I am sad for I didn’t have the chance to treat him differently. Two years ago, I was still having problems understanding him. That was why I wrote the letter to the grave. I have changed and now I regret that I didn’t make an effort to get to know him., or talk to him, or just spend more time with him. If only he was still alive today, I would be a different daughter.

Father’s day is coming soon. I have always said that I am my mother’s daughter, but sometimes I wish that I was my father’s little girl. I have never ever cried for my father but tonight I did. For all the ups and downs in his life, he wasn’t so bad after all. If only he knew.

Al-Fatihah.

I got it back!

To CarlBryant at http://carlstinybrain.blogspot.com , thank you for your help. The blog is now back to normal. Fuuuuhh!

WTF!!!!!

what the hell happened to my blog????? Everything got deleted after maintenance. To think that I have spent time customising all the little details. They're all gone! Dang!!!!!

minat (or minah) bola

So, World Cup is now upon us. Everywhere I go, I will see that famous St. George’s flag. In cars, on the doors, on the roof (I kid you not), on the windows, and basically anywhere I turn my head lah. I have one next to my mirror, plus I have my gnome!

It’s good that I’m cheering for Becks and gang. But since I’m a freak, I will try to watch other interesting matches. I could be the worst football commentator alive, for I know nought about it. I just love watching men sepaking the bola around. Ain't it beautiful? Ahakss.

But aiyo this Saturday I work maaaaah… how lor? Boss, can give time off ah?

My favourites would be, of course England, Brasil (cos ada mamat jongang cute tu), and Netherlands. I love the spirit of the Oranje!

Today we see a couple of Group A clashes with the hosts Germany taking on Costa Rica, and Poland squaring off against Ecuador. Here’s my predictions of the outcome of these two games.

Germany 2 Costa Rica 0 Ger 4 CR 2 (betul la tu 2 gol diff :)
Poland 2 Ecuador 1 Pol 0 Ecu 2 (aik! pedah jadi?)


Group B predictions:

England 2 Paraguay 1 Eng 1 Par 0
Sweden 2 Trinidad & Tobago 0 Swe 0 T&T 0

of being an extra

Last year, out of the blue Kfiatek and I went to an audition at King's Cross. At the end of the audition, Kfiatek backed off but I decided to register with the casting agency.

They promised that all new faces that were featured in their candidate catalogues would at least get one assignment in a year. Imagine my anticipation.

But nothing happened. Cheh! Spoil sungguh.

I didn't bother anymore, but lately, I have been getting lotsa emails about me being shortlisted for potential extra. For HSBC ads, insurance ads, oh and also George Michael new music video!

Hahahahaaa... As if I would be selected. Must be their tactics to get me to pay and register again.

Berhenti berharap la. Hehehehe

Sorry...

If you accidently read my previous entry, please pardon my French. And the heat got to my head.

I seriously thought about slashing the tires, and smashing the windows, but takuttt... kena tangkap kang naya je. Terus kena deport balik. Heh

bila madu menjadi bitter

I'm in the mood to write and relate stuff with peribahasa.

Some peribahasa can be used in a broad manner and nowadays, anything goes what!

A good friend of mine told me that I have been too soft hearted and too nice to people. It's time, she said, to be selfish and think more about myself.

Quote. Tapi satu je hang kena ingat, buat baik berpada-pada. You have done quite a lot for X. But X has not proven his/her worth to you yet (except making you laugh la...). Of course kalau kita tolong orang tu, kita kena ikhlas, tapi kena ingat jugak, bila hari kita sampai nanti, adakah dia akan buat the same thing for us. It's ok to be a bit more selfish. Unquote.

My friend forced me to see it from her point of view, and The Mentor has been saying the same thing to me over and over again. I agree with them. Totally. Dah ramai orang dok pijak kepala ni. Yet, I cannot turn away when people ask me, can I? It would be rude.

I am a very emotional lass, and I came fully loaded with goodness ie macam cream and butter (ni masuk bakul naik lif) I may act tough, acuh tak acuh and independent, but I still remember my manner. My mother's school of thought.

Last night, as I was dozzing off I had some flashings in my head. My brain was telling me that I have been discarded from someone's life. After getting all one wanted from me, I'm no longer of any use to that person. You know, like the saying, habis madu sepah dibuang.

Fine. I wish the person a good life.

of cinta and sin

aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat
tak ada cinta ku dapat
-SO7-

Lately I haven't been reading any news at all because busy jadi Tom Tom but last night I managed to catch up on dz's blog. Tup tup ada cerita Misyar. Apa kebendenya tu? I thought ramai orang nak kawin with Misha Omar. Huh? Makcik blur...

Whatever lah. Malaysians have weird sense of humor, eh? Dunia dah tunggang terbalik pun Malaysian politicians and artists still dok citer pasal kawin. There must be something wrong somewhere when man made law is being hailed greater than God's. Terlampau pandai sangat dah.

Sedar tak sedar we all live in sin, but semua tak mengaku. Bodohlah sapa yang mengaku tu, kan? Heh. Most of us try to be as sinless as possible, but some just like to close one eye.

Ni kawin misyar ni nak consider them doing a favor to womenfolks ke? Baik tak payah lah bang oi. I believe many single and successful women are not too bothered anymore with a husband. Such nuisance unless kalau dah betul betul cinta. But where got one? Ada la dua tiga kerat yang really found love, the rest... hummmp. If the man says kawin misyar ni doing the woman a favor, he can jolly well sod-off.

I prefer having a boyfriend to a husband. If it's easy to leave then I think you work harder, but at least you won't be tied down and feel trapped. As soon as you have a ring on your finger, you start taking the other person for granted, and the love goes out the bloody window, and I don't like that. I'm quite a romantic lass and I do like love and all the business that goes with it. But marriage? Errr... prove yourself worthy first for me to pass through hell on the way to heaven.

Blimey! My sister would choke if she reads this. But as long as it makes sense to me, who are you to say anything, right? =)

We live in sin, folks!

of changes and glamour

Funny eh? I got so many things I want to write about and when I'm in front of the computer, they all puff into the air. There's something in the water :)

I've never received so many text messages in my life before like I did a few days ago. Perasan glemer sekejap. Ahakkksss.

Anyway, back to real life. I'm going to whine about the lack of my social life. Honestly, it has gone from bad to worse. Work is taking up most of my time, working till late hours. It may sound good or exciting on papers, but the down side of it is that I hardly had time to even go out for a coffee with a friend anymore.

When was the last time I went out for a walk? 6 weeks ago maybe.

I was away last friday and only got home on monday, and I'm going away again this friday only to come home next tuesday. If I managed to stay alive, that is.

Ok, now I remember what I want to write.

What I want to say is that people change.

Heh... tetiba je masuk bab ni. Someone made a comment to me which I feel memang kena kat batang hidung I. But the thing is that komen kena to the former me, before I started to go through another transformation.

I have gone through phases, which I believe everyone does too. When I was young, I was a bully, loud and naughty. I did some of the unthinkable, but I was brave and foolish at the same time.

Then I became the nice person, who wouldn't even break a rule. Always jovial and helpful, but I didn't know much about everything else. I thought the world belongs to me.

At some point, I changed to become someone who rebel and hate other people's company. I wanted to do things on my own, wanted to be different, didn't care if I'm accepted or not, and I was a loner. I had that 'who cares' attitude.

In recent time, I broke a few laws, became restless, heartbroken, lost my confidence, had low self-esteem, didn't think much of the consequences, didn't like talking to people and was still a loner.

However, things are changing, yet again. I think I have become a deep thinker and listen a lot. Still brave but dah ada perasaan takut tu. My heart still stay the same, but my common sense is telling me that some things need to be done differently. I may break a few more laws, do foolish stunts, but I am thinking about the right things to do for the future.

Believe it or not, without me realising it, I'm opening up to people now. Slowly. Through blog and other venues. I'm trying to rid my shyness. heh

The point is some things that I said years ago may not valid today. One cannot hold that against me. I may have a good reason for saying it at that time but it could have been irrelevant at this point. I cannot help myself but to go along with the changes if I think it's best for me.

Deep down, I am still me. I still have the same characters I had when I was young. The only thing that is changing are the way I think and the way I do things.

And there're some good people left in the world. I'm one of them. Hehehe...

a friend with benefit

Today I received a new friend from a friend.

Meet my garden gnome, George. Unfortunate for him, I haven't got a garden but a semak samun kat belakang rumah, so for the rest of his life, he's going to be locked up inside. When the World Cup starts, we are going to camp in front of the telly and sing World at Your Feet.

Honestly, I am quite light hearted today.

Everything seems to form right in front of my eyes. Or maybe I am looking at the path I'm supposed to take? Could be.

Or maybe I have to create new challenges for myself? Could be.

Or maybe I finally see what I haven't seen before? Could be.

Great. Now I have to get down to business and plan.

Sometimes I confused myself. I think I have too many plans that I do not know which one is the best to follow.

Yesterday, I thought to myself, 'what you read is not what you see/get'. Not a 100%. There are things that should be kept hidden, but sometimes truth need to be told.

Dear God, please tunjukkan hamba mu yang hina ini jalan yang baik untuk diikuti. Jalan yang diredhai oleh Mu. Yang membahagiakan and boleh menenangkan hati, kalau yang memberikan kemewahan pun boleh jugak. Amin.

PS, mana ko ni? ingat tak 4 years ago, aku kat sini tengah busy jual aiskrim and you were there and you updated me with scores between England and Argentina? This year I'd wake you up and kita sesama tengok, from 2 continents jurang jauh cemana pun tak leh memisahkan kita. cewah.. heheheh

Hola! Espana

Hola!

What a very tiring but satisfying day so far in Barca.

The flight from Gatwick was a little too much because there were too many loud English girls onboard. From the moment we took off until we touched down, I didn´t have any quiet time to nap. They even clapped and cheered when the plane landed on the runway. Hmmm...

The view from up above was phenomenal with the Spanish mountains and sea caling out to me.

From the aeroport I figured out it might be faster to take the train, but unfortunately I had to make too many changes that I wasted one hour trying to figure it out.

Once I came out from Plaza Catalunya into the streets, I was taken aback by Barcelona´s beauty. Her wonderful architectures and cultural aspects are unbelievable. Wonderful.

I stopped a policeman for direction to La Rambla while I was looking for the hostel and trust me, La Rambla is the place you want to be.

I amazed myself with my Spanish. No habla mucho espanyal, but I get by with a few words. Ahaks. I guess everyone does too.

Fortunate for me that my hostel is right in the middle of La Rambla itself. I left my bag and went down hunting for whatever. The cafes are just as luring as her architectures. Sipping the second sangria in my life ever, I sat quietly watching passers by, and for awhile there my worries seem to vanish.

gulp!

Cancer - June 21 - July 22
Hard work usually pays off, but not in your case. Luckily for the rest of us you carry on regardless because you're a sucker and fearful of confrontation. These character flaws actually make you a winner in the survival of the thickest, and you'll live long and prosper - as long as you remember to do the washing up, buy bog roll, etc. Remember, the urge to protect and nurture loved ones is valid even if they don't notice, so keep up the good (house) work.


May I live long and prosper. Amin.

The Office and Tom Tom

I had to write this before I become more cranky. At this moment I letih semacam je.

I had a frustrating morning that lead me to think I don't want to do this anymore. I am serious. I know I have been thinking about it since last year and I may leave at the end of this year, but today is the final straw. I finally felt that this is it.

I am so tired of the fiascos I had to face at the office. With the customers, the suppliers, the drivers, the people in the freezer, the people at Eng*lish Heri*tage and with driving around the country.

I have seen enough, I think. I have been to almost every nook and cranny of England that I might vomit maps now. I might as well be Tom Tom the satellite navigator too. For once, I want to take the bus or even ride my bike to work.

Today is The Mentor's first day at work after 2 weeks of holiday in Karachi. I told her what I felt and I knew she would understand because sometimes she feels the same. All she gets are phone calls about problem after problem, but without that much support from others.

What I need to do now is to find someone to train and take with me for events, and in one or two months let him takes over. It could be sooner. Who knows?

She said she's going to miss me. Mmmm... I know she will, and I will miss her too.

It's good that I'm off to Barca even though it is just for 2 nights. When I come back, I need to take more risks with my life and maybe pursue things that I dream of doing.

of compassion and alter ego

I have been in a limbo, and as I get older I worry too much.

Many moons ago I planted an idea into someone's head, thinking that it was a good idea for that person to explore and begin an adventure. I did this all the time. I mean giving people these kind of ideas i.e. going to work in Dubai, on a cruise ship, going backpacking in Europe etc etc.

I like my comfort zone but at the same time I do like exploring and trying out things. If it didn't work out, well hey, at least I gave it a go. Btw, I'm going to Barcelona on Tuesday. Woohoo!

Right. Some people don't take me seriously, some sneered at me, a few dared taking up the chances but the rest just didn't give a damn. Hehe. But I do things my way. I believe most people are like that, or they think that they want to do things their way, but circumstances don't allow them so they do it the way they think society approves. Oh man! I don't make sense, do I?

Anyway, when you planted an idea into someone's head, and helped nurtured it, indirectly, it's like bringing something new to your world. There will be a point when you feel responsible for it. It doesn't matter if that someone is capable of handling oneself, because the point is that you were there to assist in almost every way possible.

I guess when unexpected bittersweet things happened, wiping up your existense and leaving your heart with a little hole, it's natural that you'd feel like you're in a turmoil. It's not even your life, but the question is why should you care?

Because as human being, I believe we have to have compassion. Be a little humane. Not to the point of being paranoia, but enough to show that you care and to know that your heart is still beating. There are too many nastiness and cruelty and I don't want the people around me to be added to the statistics.

I need to believe that there are still some people who will go out of their way to be good samaritans. I'm not a saint and we can't help the whole world, but I know we can help the person next to us.


Disclaimer: Unfortunately for the next few days I won't be around. Barcelona is waiting for my arrival. But if you need me, just touch your nose because my alter ego Superwok will jump to the rescue (in her seat).

of weddings and losing weight

I have two weddings at the end of this year. Did I tell you I actually don't like this kind of gathering? or in fact, any kind of gatherings with too many crowd. Well, yeah. So I have these weddings, one in September in Poland, and another in December in Malaysia.

My right hand man at work has invited me, and since we have gotten very close over the last 3 years, I said I'd go. It will be kinda different because I've never been to a Polish wedding before. The Mentor was also invited, and we have already make plans to hire a car and drive around in the country. She warned me not to get too drunk like them Poles since they are well known for being heavy vodka drinkers. Heh, as if la boss.

I was told that the bride's mother is so excited that I'm coming, it seems like she is so eager to meet me after hearing all about me. I hope she didn't hear anything bad though. I told the bride that we would be just like cats and dogs since I wouldn't be able to understand her at all because she doesn't know a word of English. I can get by with a few Polish phrases especially the cursing words, but I don't think they will be pleased to hear that.

Another wedding is in Muar. I called it My Best Friend's Wedding. Not too worry, I won't do a Julia Roberts to you guys. Hehe. I don't know yet whether I can make it or not. I feel it's not fair to her if I didn't go because how could a person do that to her best friend, right? If I'm not thinking straight, I would just go on impulse and buy the ticket and fly home, but I have many issues to consider before I could make a decision. I honestly want to be there but my desire cannot rule my reality. For that, I, your humble friend, would like to apologise for it.

It would be great to be back even if it's just for a week. Just to touch base. And probably surprise people with me losing more weight. Hehe. Of course, that is one of the things people must do to attend weddings. I have to find the right dresses, the right shoes, the right gifts bla bla bla. I promise not to buy a toaster or a set of juice glasses. No photo album and not another kettle either. Ahaks.

So yeah, it has been an uphill struggle to lose weight. I have a diet buddy and for the last few months it seemed like it was working fine. Unfortunately for both of us, we have taken a break at the same time and now my weight has shoot up again. I think it's time to get back in the game.

Though I think I was doing fine actually. In the last few days, I have forgotten to eat. Ok ok, it's not good for the body but when I am happy, I would be eating all the time and that didn't help either. But the things is when I have many things in my head, the body automatically switched to no food zone. Yesterday, I only managed to grab a bite of tasteless tuna sandwich for lunch and nothing for dinner. And the day before that I don't remember eating at all. If I go on like this, I'd be pencil thin by next month. Ahaks, wishful thinking ewok, wishful thinking.

Tonight, however, it's makan time! We are celebrating AG's birthday. I wish you have a long life ahead, sifu. It has been a pleasure knowing you.

of being ice cube

My darling PS said I'm like an ice cube. Tuang air je senang cair and I'm easy to become another cube when needed. Hummmppp... I thought I'm more like a bird, but you have been with me during my ups and downs and you know me well, inside and out.

You could be right babe, but you know what? I didn't ask to be built this way. And after all these years, I don't think I can change. I might be an ice cube but definitely not an ice queen. Heh.

More than often I wonder how to be one, but in the end my conscience will hold me back. So, I guess there's nothing else to do then except walk away, again.

One thing for sure is that my life here is not done.

I miss you, CJ and JackJack. So much.