lost

I have my days off during the week. Usually I would spend the whole day with you. These days I felt that you are so distant. You said that you would come to me but you didn't.

I felt like I'm losing you day by day. When I need you the most you're not there anymore. You're supposed to be my rock and my mentor. You're the person I looked up to. You're my inspiration, my best friend and my everything.

Without you I'm lost.

of pain

Sayang

I don't know why you subjected me to this pain. You haven't replied to my messages. You didn't answer my calls and you didn't reply to my emails. You have been ignoring me for the last few weeks.

I don't understand.

You said you love me. You said you can't live without me. You said you're forever mine. Then you told me it's over.

I am hurting now baby.

no words can describe what I feel

How can my heart breaks over and over? Why do this pain hurts so much?

So she's been kissed. By someone who knows that she already has me. Why? Do you feel trapped being with me? Do you want out? Do you not want to honour your love? Do you not want to be with me? Didn't you claim that I was your soulmate? Didn't you listen to all those things I confided in you? Didn't you say you can't live without me?

What am I now, baby?

of being terrified

Something has changed and I don't know what it was. I can feel it in my bones. She wanted to make new friends so I encouraged her. She needed it, and I wasn't going to deny her that. But I have these nagging feelings that I was gonna lose her.

God! I am scared. I am terrified.

waiting

It's been quite a while since I last wrote something here. And a lot of things have happened between then and now but the one thing for sure is that I am still together with the woman I love.

It is incredible to be able to say that you love someone that your heart actually hurt so much because you can't contain the feelings you have for her. She is the essence of my being and without her I'm crippled.

I feel a temporarily lost at the moment because she's on holiday for two weeks. It has been 8 days since I last heard from her. I can't wait for her to come back.

where's my girl?

It's lonely without you here. All the words I want to say are left unsaid and all the feelings I want to show are put on hold until you are back in my arms.

Happy Valentine's Day Sayang.

if I had

If I had the chance to hug you again,
I would hug you longer.

If I had the chance to kiss you again,
I would kiss you longer.

If I had the chance to hold you again,
I would hold you longer.

If I had the chance to walk with you again,
I would walk with you all day long.

If I had the chance to see you smile and hear you laugh again,
I would think of the funniest things I could think of to tell you,
Just to see you smile and hear you laugh.

If I had the chance to feel your love again,
I would spend every minute with you.

I would do all these things because
I love and miss you.

eight is the lucky number

November is almost here. I can't believe that time passes so quickly.

We have been together for more than 8 months. I also haven't seen her for 8 days. It is a horrible feeling not being able to see her or even talk to her.

Everything seems to be going alright for us. Then I slipped and made the same blunder again. I know I hurt her and I know she was feeling the stress and the burden of having a relationship with me.

I am so in love with her that I end up hurting her instead. Our relationship is complicated enough as it is, and she thinks I am trying to make it even more difficult by not trying to understand her situation.

So, here I am trying not to crowd her. I don't want to make her feel that she has to be responsible for me. I am not going to be a burden to her! All I want is to make her happy. My feelings, my wants and my needs are not relevant at this time. She's the most important person in my life and I don't want to disappoint her. As always I will put her first before anyone else and that is my pledge to my love.

a note to Sayang

"Dearest Sayang,

I am very sorry for subjecting you to this pain and hurt that I myself inflicted upon you. I promise I will try to have less demands. I will try to control my jealousy and the sharp feelings I get every time I think about the life you have without me.

I can't imagine my life without you and if I could only get a little piece of you I should be happy and grateful for your love. It should be enough and I have to learn not to be greedy in wanting more.

You have given me more than I could ever asked for. You have saved me, trusted me and gave me guidance in finding the way back to life. You believe in me and you care. And for all that you have shown and given I am humbled by your compassion and your love.

It is unfortunate that we fell in love under the circumstances. This is the hardest and the most grueling relationship ever faced by either one of us and with it comes the additional stress and pressure.

I know there were many times when you felt like quitting because the burden is too great to handle. I also know that it has crossed your mind that this relationship is not worth the risks you are taking. You have a great and wonderful life and it is something that is not worth giving up to be with me. I don't even have anything to offer to you because everything I have or everything that I am is out weighted by my shortcomings.

It is ironic that two weeks ago I asked you the meaning of the word peripheral. Today I accepted the fact that I am just a peripheral in your life even though I know you would say otherwise. I know sometimes you think I expect too much from you. Funny enough, last week after you spent the weekend with me, I realised you are not mine to begin with. Therefore I could not ask for more than what you can give.

I remember you once said that everyone is equal but some are more equal than the others. I did not get it at that time but when I looked at our situation I think it is slightly clearer to me now. We may be equal but we are not on the same page. I looked down at my feet to see myself and I looked into your face. You are far more sophisticated and intelligent and sometimes I feel intimidated because somehow I am not enough for you. This is something I have to work out and overcome.

In the next few years I may be still not enough or good for you but nothing can beat the feelings, the love and the hots I have for you. You are the one I give my heart to and the one I want to be with.

Regards,

Your Sayang"

Eight months and counting

Wow! It's almost 8 months I abandoned this blog. Not that I have a new one nor would I neglect the one thing that kept me sane for the last 4 years. But life seems to move forward and time just passed so quickly.

I heard from a grapevine there seems to be some kind of gossips about my revealing story. It's all old news babes. Move on.

There are lots of things going for me, and the most important one is there's someone who loves me and gives me strength to face the new days. She is the most amazing and wonderful person and I know I finally found someone who really cares.

It's all going well.

Although, I have to say that The Mentor still scolds me over crappy and silly things I came up with even after I quit working for her. But one lesson I learned from The Mentor is that you only need certain people in your life. People who care for you, support you when you need them and who would be there for you during the good and bad times. Choose your true friends, and leave the peripherals out.

loved

i) being in love

ii) being kissed by you

iii) being able to touch your face

iv) being in bed with you

v) being able to see you smile

vi) being cared for

vii) being touched

viii) being missed

ix) being able to talk to you

x) being able to joke and laugh

xi) being made to think sensibly

xii) being accountable

xiii) being your love

xiv) being amazed by you

xv) being whole when you are with me

Sleep deprivation and sex are good for the soul

I love sex. Tell me who doesn’t?

Comparing her non-existance sway of a dance with sex was so wrong. She blushed when she tried to explain her reasoning for watching me moved to the music. She was adorable when she was being soppy. She was sweet when she was being sweet on me.

I thought I could go on forever.

here without you

To my Sayang, I want you more than ever

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

please tell her

I missed her.

I missed her voice and her sweet smile. I missed looking at her laughing eyes when she tried to wind me up. I loved her chuckles when she laughed at my sillyness.

Please someone tell her that I am here waiting for her to come and sweep me off my feet. Tell her that she lights my fire and I am hers if she would have me.

God sent me you

Tonight I'm thinking about you again
I know you are a part of someone else's life
but for me you are my life
you have touched my soul
I didn't know I could love anyone
as much as I love you.
I hope this kind of magic stays
forever between us two,
and the whole wide world will know
I am lucky
that God sent me you

of being vulnerable

I'm aloof and distant. I'm rough and tough. I'm independent and self-sufficient. I looked confident. I may sound selfish and spoilt to someone who doesn't know me. I'm needy and I want to be pampered. I'm soft and shy. I lack confidence and self belief.

But she knows me well. She can read me like a book. I become vulnerable when she can break my barrier and the fences that I erected to protect myself. She could bring my defence down with just the snap of her fingers. And she's all I ever wanted.

the four-letter word part 2

It was a day later. A text came in @18:27

"I love you"


and the following day @10:29

"Hey baby did I tell you I love you?"


I'm on top of the world. Love you too Sayang!

the four-letter word

I will always remember this day. When I got to her place I found out she was really ill from food poisoning. The feeling of being protective and concern suddenly emerged from within. I didn't want her to suffer. Oh I would do anything to spare her the pain.

I wanted to care for her and love her and just be with her even if we didn't utter a single word. Just the thought of being close to her is enough. I want to wrap my arms around her and never let go. It's a wonderful feeling.

I had the most magical day of my life. Felt like I was living in a bubble and did not want anyone to burst it.

Today I told her I love her.

ultimatum

She laid an ultimatum. She won't tolerate it if I betrayed her and if I did it would be the end of us. What makes she thinks I would tolerate if the thing was reversed? Ok, so she hasn't betrayed me but what is going to stop her from doing it?

How could there be one rule for her and another set for me? Can I tolerate that? Is that a betrayal?

of respect and love

She dropped a bombshell on me.

She said I need to find someone who is available to me full time. I know. I know before we got together that this relationship is impossible. I know that she can't offer me more than what she has given. I know that I can't expect us to be like a normal couple who are free in showing their emotions and affection. But I don't want her to leave nor do I want to find someone else. I made up my mind and I'm sticking to my decision.

My mates have been telling me that there's so many obstacles between us and it would have never worked out. To be honest, yes I agree with them. The lists could fill up the wall in my bedroom if I were to think of them. If I were to follow my head then I would have to put a stop to everything and stop seeing her. But no matter what they said - that this is wrong - I can't stop the feeling I developed for her.

From the very beginning, and this was some years ago, I was comfortable being with her. She made me feel like I was somebody and I felt appreciated. She cares and is interested with what's going on in my life. Every time she embraced me, I felt a twinge of happiness and jealousy. Happy because I like her and that she's been wonderful to me. I was also jealous for the people in her life who have been on the receiving end of her warmth, kindness and affection. I wanted to be one of them. I realised now that I wanted to be special to her.

Every time I saw her, she managed to put a smile on my face, and when I didn't see her I could get by just by talking to her. I remember telling her about my family and friends. I opened up to her bits by bits. The respect I have for her is enormous. I value and appreciate her and care for her. Then it finally clicked. I must have loved her for a while now.