of my coming out story part 1

Growing up, I always knew that I was different, but I just didn't have a grasp on why and what set me apart from everyone else.

My teenage years were quite happy ones, yet a little stormy sometimes. Even though I was a well-behaved child and never had problems at school, deep down I was a rebel. I was a little rascal and went through stages of hatred and anger at things in general. However, I could never put my fingers on what it was that triggered my restlessness.

When my friends were checking out the boys from St. Michael or KSAH, I pretended to be interested and did the same when in fact I didn't feel an iota of feeling towards the male gender. I have always had an infatuation with women since I was a little girl. I only liked and obsessed over women performers and women actors, but I usually ended up putting posters of guys over the walls in my room because it was the 'normal' or 'right' thing to do. In a way I thought that if I had them on my walls, I would start developing some kind of attraction towards the opposite sex.

I was thinking that when I got a little older, this phase would pass and I would fall totally in love with a man. I even found myself studying relationships around me between boys and girls and wondered if I'd be fortunate enough to have a boyfriend one day.

Nevertheless, all the while I never stop having crushes on girls. I didn't know what it was but I did know how terrified I was, and the indescribable worry that I like girls more than I like boys. I had no knowledge of such thing as gay people. There was no talk among my high school peers and there certainly were no talk shows, no films or no internet to help better my understanding of such emotions.

I prayed to God, sobbing, and thinking it was the worst fate to ever be forced upon anyone. Not to mention the fact if dear mother found out, God only knows what layer of hell would be unleashed and set upon my frail teen soul.

of coming back to my senses

How the heck did I suddenly write about political correctness and stuff? That is so not me. For awhile there I thought I sounded quite intelligent and had become a feminist. Er, not! Please can someone slap some senses back into my brain!?

Today I think I sounded more like the village idiot. It must have been because I had so much time on my hands. Thank goodness I'm back at work tomorrow.

I never took myself seriously and I'm not about to start the new year that way either. For all I know, I live in the playfulness of the moment, whatever that means.

2007 has been a turbulent but exciting year for me. I wish and pray for a playful yet happy 2008!

Notes for next entry: Is it ok for a 35-year old to date a 24-year old? Lame, I know, but mmm...

By the way

Happy New Year everyone! May you have lots of love, happiness and prosperity in 2008

of my very long views, more like a letter to the editor

A friend alerted me on the article in Harian Metro. I can't help but feeling sad and angry after reading it. Since it hits home and about who I am, I guess it's appropriate for me to express my opinion.

Dear Norainon Othman,
Harian Metro

I read your article about same sex relationship after a friend alerted me about it. Based on your writing, I take it that you don’t have a friend who is gay or know any gay people close enough to discuss the matter. But that’s ok because to write something you should know you subject matter, which I presumed you did a research beforehand.

Unfortunately, I have to say that I am disappointed after reading it. Obviously when you wrote that you would like to dig deep into this issue, I assumed that you would go back to basics and provide interesting insights. I am not a writer but how lame it is when I noticed that you failed the fundamental element of writing. There were no scientific or even academic studies cited to prove your points. All that present were the interviews with some government officials or some sort and even that were cited without statistics. The fact that you only wrote one side of the story and did not offer a perspective from the lesbian side makes your article less credential that it is already.

By the way, if you do interview lesbians, please make sure they are credible enough to offer mature and intelligent statements. Not just some kids who aren’t sure what they want and just wasting their life pretending to themselves and to the world that this is the lifestyle they want. But I guess it would be hard to find one because no lesbians in their right mind would risk talking to you.

I’m in awe when the Chairman of Sidim, someone who I assumed to be educated as he holds a high position, mentioned that animals don’t have a same sex relationship. Perhaps he and you would like to check with Oregon Health and Science University School of Medicine about one of the studies that confirmed that brain anatomy and hormone production play some parts behind the homosexuality found in sheep. Have you heard the news about Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins at the Central Park Zoo in New York? They made headlines when they, along with six other same-sex couples among penguins, were discovered. The same thing happened at Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen, Germany in 2005. I think it’s sufficient to say that there are many more examples of gay animals. You should dig them out you know. It’s your job after all.

President of Pekemas dares mentioned that this issue stem from the influences of pornography from CDs and Internet. This actually shocks me. What is this? Some kind of jokes? Have you seen a pornographic video of two women having sex, Ms Norainon? It is a disgrace and disgusting to watch, let alone to even suggest that this is one of the reasons women became a lesbian. Sex scenes in these videos are so downright dirty and demeaning to all women that they will actually turn you off and make you puke. These videos are for sick-minded and sex-starved men who can’t do much but fantasize about what they can’t have.

There may be some truth in the claim that some women who were terribly affected by the trauma or abuse in their life could develop an attachment to other women over times but that doesn't mean that they are gay, be it sexually or not. That's only because of the security and emotional needs that were provided by these other women. However, a lot of gay people also grew up in a happy and healthy surrounding as demonstrated by a few of my friends. Thus, the root of homosexuality can’t be pinpointed to just psychological reasons but also biological ones.

But it is absurd and laughable to say that some women become a lesbian because they do not want their freedom taken away by men. Do you know that many modern women prefer to be singles but are not lesbians!? Some single women prefer to have a male fuck buddy instead of a husband. And some gay women prefer to be single without being in a relationship. Believe it or not, we lead a solitary yet satisfied life. We may have feelings for women, but it doesn’t mean we have to act on it.

By suggesting that the government do something to prevent it from spreading, do you think it’s some sort of a disease or something that can be cured? Existing syariah law doesn’t stop married people from committing adultery or prevent people from having sex out of wedlock. And existing law also doesn’t stop the children from being molested by sick paedophiles. What make you think that the law can stop the world from being cursed by God already? And what makes you think that a law can stop someone from being a lesbian? It’s not like a woman could just wake up one day and decide to break the law by being a lesbian. Duh!

“Oh by the way mum, today I decide to be a lesbian just to annoy you and dad!” Or, “I got my heart broken and I hate men, so today I will turn lesbian.” What a funny notion. Where do you live, Norainon? It doesn't happen overnight. People can’t just switch on and off their sexuality to suit their need. And just for the record, women don't become a lesbian. We either are or aren't.

It looks to me that homosexuals are being treated like a third class citizen even though we contribute to the wellbeing of the country just as everyone else. Just look at some of the female engineers at Petronas, Shell or whatever. I bet my life that some are lesbians. What about some government officials or the people in the medical professions? Think about sportswomen, lawyers, lecturers or even politicians. Do you punish us all for being a lesbian? Do you oppress and discriminate us just because of our sexual preference? Does it make any difference to our work performance if you knew with whom we perform in bed?

Stop this bigotry and open your ears. I’m sure you don’t do that to any heterosexuals as that is deemed inappropriate and unprofessional. So what makes you think you can do that to homosexuals? At least we are intelligent enough to adopt the US Army motto of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell or else we would be oppressed and humiliated beyond repair.

The truth is we know rights from wrongs. By all means do provide support, counseling and religious classes for those who seek help. But you don’t have to lay blames and condemn us because we ourselves have been surrounded by guilt since forever. Please don’t add any more complication to our already complicated life. You are just going to drive us deeper underground.

the day I wrote about a serious issue

It feels a little lonely to spend the festive season here instead of in Malaysia. But beggar can't be choosy, can she? :)

I hope everyone else is having a good time celebrating and I can't wait for 2008 to come. Thank God I was not caught in the madness of boxing day sales. It was never for me, and I had no intention to even step foot in Oxford Street at this time of the year. Mad!

Today I got a call from T who is having a problem with her boyfriend, asking if I could take her out. Since not much is happening I just took her to a girls club in Soho, with no intention of cruising or whatsover. We just wanted to unwind and relax and before the club closes we walked to another to find that most clubs are also closing as they're kinda dead anyway.

We ended up in a bar chatting and laughing away in a little corner when suddenly I found that we were surrounded by a bunch of men. They seem nice in the beginning but after a few minutes they started making innuendos that they wouldn't mind a threesome.

Initially, I find it funny and told them that I'm not interested in men and T told them that she too is a lesbian just to get them away. I got pissed off when these slimy, dodgy men were trying to convince me that I just haven't met the right man.

Excuse me? Which part of lesbianism that some people don't understand?

Let's be honest here. When people hear anything about lesbians, all they think about is sex. And it makes me even mad when people started wiggling the tongue. Gross! I dunno why but I got a vibe that that doesn't normally happen when it involves gay men. Unfortunately to us we have been portrayed as the sex maniacs or have become the butt of a joke or a pervert or something. Dang! If you are straight, look at the men or women around you now. Do you fancy them and want to sleep with all of them? No? Then what makes you think that I fancy all women I see?

The most important part that people need to understand is homosexuality is not all about sex. Most women find a special enjoyment being in the company of other women. There is more understanding on all levels; intellectual, emotional, sensual. Women understand what women mean when they talk, just as men understand men. Women relate to each other better than they do to men. If you take the sex part (and religious) out, it makes sense that two women would want to be together.

Let's face it, we (and when I say we I mean LGBT) did not choose this path or that we had the option of being gays, or not. Do you think that we enjoy and we want to be ostracised by the society? Do you think it's fun being alienated and live our lives the hard way? Having to hide our true self, being forced to lie, being harassed, oppressed and discriminated against? Trust me, no one wants that kind of life. Definitely not me.

You know the stories you read in the tabloid lately about young women with many lesbian lovers and runaway lesbians are just stories. Some of them are kids who do not know what it means to be gay. They are still 'budak hingusan' and rebels. Because of the social stigma attached to homosexuality, most parents try to point fingers at someone when their daughters 'turned out' that way. They blamed their daughters' lesbian friends or tv programs for the negative influence. Look. Just step back a little, listen and learn. Don't shut them out. Nothing good will ever came out if people started pointing fingers at each other.

And get real! It's neither a trend nor a phase.

If after reading this you think that I am brave, bold, adventurous and independent, think again. I am a chicken shit. Just like the rest of other people, I am the same person since I was born, the same person that my parents raised and the same just as before I come out.

The truth is I and I can say that most of us are scared that if we come out of the closet we will lose the love of the most important people in our lives, our parents and families. All we ever wanted to know is that we are still loved no matter who we are or what sexual orientation we have. Nothing more, nothing less.

And today, the 12th year since my mother passed away, I need to reaffirm my own belief that my mother and father would still love me if they had known the truth.

of mantras

It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon.

I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.

No bullshit!

Come on, Ewok!

tales of the dales

The last few days have been quite alright I think. I didn't think about the heartache too much. Instead I went out of London to the little town where everything started.

It was really good to see Gaz and family again after almost 3 years. He bought a farm and has started producing his own ice cream. It looks like his business has grown and will continue to grow. A few months back he even offered me to work for him again with lots of incentives thrown together. Although I like him and the job, I feel that my heart is now in London.

As for Clarky, he has become little mature but he never lost his charm and as witty as ever. Well, except that he lost his front tooth. Ha ha!

They were a bit surprised to learn that K and I are no longer together and I was bombarded with the inevitable questions. But instead of feeling sad and depressed I felt really good talking about it. It was as if I'm letting go.

I am glad that I went up north just to clear my head. Maybe I should go out of town more often.

The only thing that made me sad is knowing K is sick :(

of dying and keeping perspective

People may say that no one ever died of broken heart but since I'm suffering from one, it's sure doesn't feel that way.

Every passing day is a torture. The lost connection, the fading laughter, the forgotten banters.

It's all feel like shit. I feel like shit.

How could she do this to me and then said she can't imagine not having me in her life? What the fuck is that? It's unfair and a little selfish I'd say.

There were times when I feel that I really wanna pick up the phone and call just so I could hear her voice but I know I can't. I have to resist the urge even though I think about her all the time.

Thank goodness for the good friends around me. Marc and The Candle Girl dragged me out to see films or just to hang out even when I was feeling despondent. The Third Floor Girls have been forcing me to go walking with them, which help takes my mind off my woe.

I admit that I fell out of touch with some friends during the relationship, but I have learned a lesson from it. I'm picking up all the pieces and as The Mentor said, my suffering is only one problem out of the many. I shall keep that in perspective.

of life swap

For those who think they have something to say, advice to give, preaching to do bla bla bla, let's make a deal, sweetheart.

Let's swap and I will let you live my life for the last 18 years. Then we can talk. What do you say, eh?

For now, you live yours I live mine. Peacefully, before I tell you to bugger off!

of pain

I used to think that I am a very calm person. I walk away from argument and I can't stand a heated conversation or any violent behaviours.

Now I feel like smashing everything in sight. I am constantly pissed and most of the time I don't know what or whom I'm mad at. I didn't realise that I have such anger all bottled up inside. I'm just angry at people, at me, at her and at lifeless objects. Gosh! This energy is driving me crazy.

I know my friends are telling me it's just a normal phase I'm going through. And I am embracing this, but I just don't know for how long I could do it. I'm just not cut out to be this way.

I'm too gentle, too nice and too emotional.

The Mentor has been very good and after reassuring me that I will meet someone nice and better she told me to get off it already, which made me laugh. Such gem she is.

Yeah, the thought of going back in the scene and starts dating is a little scary. I don't think I could do so soon since the duct tapes are still plastered all over my heart.

What also scares me is the fact that I would probably go through heartache again and again until I find the right person is a bit taxing. I can't handle it. It took me years to get over the previous one and now this one made me look like I came back from a battle.

Oh such pain!

the mask of a fool

My sister commented that I wear a mask all the time.

Maybe I am wearing a mask, but that's because I feel the need to shield myself. I want to protect myself from the cruelties and the horrible experiences that could hurt and make me suffer. Honestly, I am scared of pain and heartache.

However, I realised that sometimes when I feel slightly safe I'd remove the mask and rejoice in finding my true self. I want to enjoy the sunshine and the happiness it brings. It is such a glorious feeling.

But there will be a time when the unexpected happens and whack!! You got hit and fell flat on your face.

Damn!

It's time to put the mask on again. Too bad.

of freaky friday

A lot can be said from what happened recently, but I refused to resort to throwing a tantrum. That's not me.

And to be honest, she is such a nice and lovely person. So beautiful inside out that I felt so lucky to have known her. In these days of craziness, I'd never though I'd to meet someone as sweet and considerate.

The tantrum I'm refering to is not about her behaviour or characters. No, it's the way the relationship was going at that time. I wish I could change something that I did or said 3 weeks ago because it was that that triggered the break up. That freaked her out and made her run the opposite direction.

If there was someone to blame, it should be me. It doesn't matter that she said it wasn't me. Deep down I know the truth.

There was no point in crying my eyeballs out. At least we were happy in that short period of time, and we could still be friends even though my heart breaks at the thought.

Yes, it happened on a Friday :(

of time and rindu

Everyone keeps saying to give some space and time which is logical and fair enough.

I went into a relationship without a single baggage whereas it was different for her. Too many baggages and problems to think of that make it impossible to think clearly.

I honestly understand and accept the fact that we are on a different level.

But the heartache is still the same. Someone said to give enough time for her to miss me. But what about me? All the things I have belonging to her, the weird orange fish she won for me at a funfair, the special bull from Spain. Looking at them makes my heart bleeds. What about my rindu?

It hurts to know that I don't have the same previlege, anymore.

Kenangan Terindah

Aku yang lemah tanpamu

aku yang rentan karena

cinta yang telah hilang darimu

yang mampu menyanjungku

selama mata terbuka

sampai jantung tak berdetak

selama itu pun

aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

darimu kutemukan hidupku

bagiku kau lah cinta sejati

bila yang tertulis untukku

adalah yang terbaik untukmu

kan kujadikan kau kenangan

yang terindah dalam hidupku

namun takkan mudah bagiku

meninggalkan jejak hidupku

yang telah terukir abadi

sebagai kenangan yang terindah

of bleeding love

It doesn't matter who you like and who you love, you just follow your instinct and heart. And who could have explain love?

Love is.

When you try to be the better person than you were before. When you feel that every bit of your existence matters. When every drop of your sweat and blood appreciated. When you live and breathe happiness. When your heart feels like bursting with emotion. All that make you content.

You fight for love.

But there was a time when you just have to admit defeat. And you stop crying.

Only time can help and heal me again.

of healing

I can't believe that I'm going through this again after so long. I am tough, independent, hard and strong. I could do anything or go anywhere I want to but here I am writing, again, to heal.

It feels like a strong force just ripped my heart apart and left me bleeding, wounded. This is not fair. Decision was made for me and now I have duct tapes all over again.

All my being suddenly flew out of me. The things I want to do I can't do. Everything is so fucking cold and gloomy just like the weather.

I can't smile.

Lemah, that's the right word. The pain is so sharp I can't even describe it. I just need to pick up the pieces and let go. Damn! It hurts.

It was one of the happiest moments in my life. Though it happened at the wrong time, I will treasure it and she would always have a piece of my heart.

of heartbreak

I used to love this song so very much. One of my most treasured songs because it brings out all sort of emotions. The feelings just flow and I would love to hate it but I just can't.

This was our song. Even after I got dumped by her, it will always have a special place in my heart.

Breathe Me
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

of raya and fire

aahhh sod it! I had written quite a long entry about raya and fireworks only to find them missing from my drafts. I'm not bothered to rewrite. Instead, here are some photos of the fireworks display we had set off during Raya and etc.

Salam Aidil Fitri

In just a few more days, we will be celebrating Hari Raya. This is the 4th time I'm celebrating it in London, but I think this would also be one of the nicest ones for a number of reasons.

I used to just take Eid as it is and usually work on that day, but now I could feel the atmosphere and all the excitement surrounding it. Alhamdulillah I managed to go to terawih after so many years I didn't attend albeit it was only just a couple of nights. Someone told me that the ustaz at Malaysia Hall even had the photo of us (me being so very visible) on his blog.

Someone special to me is also coming to spend a few days during Eid and I do look forward to it. Even though being a non Muslim, that person has been encouraging me to fast knowing me well that I might not fast on some days.

And most of all, I am looking forward to open houses just so I could eat all the wonderful Malaysian food.

To my friends Muslim and Non-Muslim from all over the world, I wish you Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin. Please forgive and forget if I have unknowingly hurt your feelings or done you wrong.

Can't Hold Back

I didn't realise it was already more than a month since my last post. I guess there's a lot of things going in my life.

I'm still alive and I feel alive. I stop being so hard on myself after I realised that only I can make myself happy. Take That said that my time is coming and told me not to be late :)

It's funny weird how things turned out to be. I didn't plan to go and she didn't either, but fate intervened. We met, got a little distracted with each other and now we can't seem to stop chatting every night.

These days I found that sometimes sleep deprivation is good for the soul. But please remind me I said that when I becomes cranky during the day!

I like the fact that I look forward to reading the texts in the morning and talking on messenger the last thing at night.