of mantras

It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon.

I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.

No bullshit!

Come on, Ewok!

tales of the dales

The last few days have been quite alright I think. I didn't think about the heartache too much. Instead I went out of London to the little town where everything started.

It was really good to see Gaz and family again after almost 3 years. He bought a farm and has started producing his own ice cream. It looks like his business has grown and will continue to grow. A few months back he even offered me to work for him again with lots of incentives thrown together. Although I like him and the job, I feel that my heart is now in London.

As for Clarky, he has become little mature but he never lost his charm and as witty as ever. Well, except that he lost his front tooth. Ha ha!

They were a bit surprised to learn that K and I are no longer together and I was bombarded with the inevitable questions. But instead of feeling sad and depressed I felt really good talking about it. It was as if I'm letting go.

I am glad that I went up north just to clear my head. Maybe I should go out of town more often.

The only thing that made me sad is knowing K is sick :(

of dying and keeping perspective

People may say that no one ever died of broken heart but since I'm suffering from one, it's sure doesn't feel that way.

Every passing day is a torture. The lost connection, the fading laughter, the forgotten banters.

It's all feel like shit. I feel like shit.

How could she do this to me and then said she can't imagine not having me in her life? What the fuck is that? It's unfair and a little selfish I'd say.

There were times when I feel that I really wanna pick up the phone and call just so I could hear her voice but I know I can't. I have to resist the urge even though I think about her all the time.

Thank goodness for the good friends around me. Marc and The Candle Girl dragged me out to see films or just to hang out even when I was feeling despondent. The Third Floor Girls have been forcing me to go walking with them, which help takes my mind off my woe.

I admit that I fell out of touch with some friends during the relationship, but I have learned a lesson from it. I'm picking up all the pieces and as The Mentor said, my suffering is only one problem out of the many. I shall keep that in perspective.

of life swap

For those who think they have something to say, advice to give, preaching to do bla bla bla, let's make a deal, sweetheart.

Let's swap and I will let you live my life for the last 18 years. Then we can talk. What do you say, eh?

For now, you live yours I live mine. Peacefully, before I tell you to bugger off!

of pain

I used to think that I am a very calm person. I walk away from argument and I can't stand a heated conversation or any violent behaviours.

Now I feel like smashing everything in sight. I am constantly pissed and most of the time I don't know what or whom I'm mad at. I didn't realise that I have such anger all bottled up inside. I'm just angry at people, at me, at her and at lifeless objects. Gosh! This energy is driving me crazy.

I know my friends are telling me it's just a normal phase I'm going through. And I am embracing this, but I just don't know for how long I could do it. I'm just not cut out to be this way.

I'm too gentle, too nice and too emotional.

The Mentor has been very good and after reassuring me that I will meet someone nice and better she told me to get off it already, which made me laugh. Such gem she is.

Yeah, the thought of going back in the scene and starts dating is a little scary. I don't think I could do so soon since the duct tapes are still plastered all over my heart.

What also scares me is the fact that I would probably go through heartache again and again until I find the right person is a bit taxing. I can't handle it. It took me years to get over the previous one and now this one made me look like I came back from a battle.

Oh such pain!

the mask of a fool

My sister commented that I wear a mask all the time.

Maybe I am wearing a mask, but that's because I feel the need to shield myself. I want to protect myself from the cruelties and the horrible experiences that could hurt and make me suffer. Honestly, I am scared of pain and heartache.

However, I realised that sometimes when I feel slightly safe I'd remove the mask and rejoice in finding my true self. I want to enjoy the sunshine and the happiness it brings. It is such a glorious feeling.

But there will be a time when the unexpected happens and whack!! You got hit and fell flat on your face.

Damn!

It's time to put the mask on again. Too bad.

of freaky friday

A lot can be said from what happened recently, but I refused to resort to throwing a tantrum. That's not me.

And to be honest, she is such a nice and lovely person. So beautiful inside out that I felt so lucky to have known her. In these days of craziness, I'd never though I'd to meet someone as sweet and considerate.

The tantrum I'm refering to is not about her behaviour or characters. No, it's the way the relationship was going at that time. I wish I could change something that I did or said 3 weeks ago because it was that that triggered the break up. That freaked her out and made her run the opposite direction.

If there was someone to blame, it should be me. It doesn't matter that she said it wasn't me. Deep down I know the truth.

There was no point in crying my eyeballs out. At least we were happy in that short period of time, and we could still be friends even though my heart breaks at the thought.

Yes, it happened on a Friday :(

of time and rindu

Everyone keeps saying to give some space and time which is logical and fair enough.

I went into a relationship without a single baggage whereas it was different for her. Too many baggages and problems to think of that make it impossible to think clearly.

I honestly understand and accept the fact that we are on a different level.

But the heartache is still the same. Someone said to give enough time for her to miss me. But what about me? All the things I have belonging to her, the weird orange fish she won for me at a funfair, the special bull from Spain. Looking at them makes my heart bleeds. What about my rindu?

It hurts to know that I don't have the same previlege, anymore.

Kenangan Terindah

Aku yang lemah tanpamu

aku yang rentan karena

cinta yang telah hilang darimu

yang mampu menyanjungku

selama mata terbuka

sampai jantung tak berdetak

selama itu pun

aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

darimu kutemukan hidupku

bagiku kau lah cinta sejati

bila yang tertulis untukku

adalah yang terbaik untukmu

kan kujadikan kau kenangan

yang terindah dalam hidupku

namun takkan mudah bagiku

meninggalkan jejak hidupku

yang telah terukir abadi

sebagai kenangan yang terindah

of bleeding love

It doesn't matter who you like and who you love, you just follow your instinct and heart. And who could have explain love?

Love is.

When you try to be the better person than you were before. When you feel that every bit of your existence matters. When every drop of your sweat and blood appreciated. When you live and breathe happiness. When your heart feels like bursting with emotion. All that make you content.

You fight for love.

But there was a time when you just have to admit defeat. And you stop crying.

Only time can help and heal me again.

of healing

I can't believe that I'm going through this again after so long. I am tough, independent, hard and strong. I could do anything or go anywhere I want to but here I am writing, again, to heal.

It feels like a strong force just ripped my heart apart and left me bleeding, wounded. This is not fair. Decision was made for me and now I have duct tapes all over again.

All my being suddenly flew out of me. The things I want to do I can't do. Everything is so fucking cold and gloomy just like the weather.

I can't smile.

Lemah, that's the right word. The pain is so sharp I can't even describe it. I just need to pick up the pieces and let go. Damn! It hurts.

It was one of the happiest moments in my life. Though it happened at the wrong time, I will treasure it and she would always have a piece of my heart.

of heartbreak

I used to love this song so very much. One of my most treasured songs because it brings out all sort of emotions. The feelings just flow and I would love to hate it but I just can't.

This was our song. Even after I got dumped by her, it will always have a special place in my heart.

Breathe Me
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

of raya and fire

aahhh sod it! I had written quite a long entry about raya and fireworks only to find them missing from my drafts. I'm not bothered to rewrite. Instead, here are some photos of the fireworks display we had set off during Raya and etc.

Salam Aidil Fitri

In just a few more days, we will be celebrating Hari Raya. This is the 4th time I'm celebrating it in London, but I think this would also be one of the nicest ones for a number of reasons.

I used to just take Eid as it is and usually work on that day, but now I could feel the atmosphere and all the excitement surrounding it. Alhamdulillah I managed to go to terawih after so many years I didn't attend albeit it was only just a couple of nights. Someone told me that the ustaz at Malaysia Hall even had the photo of us (me being so very visible) on his blog.

Someone special to me is also coming to spend a few days during Eid and I do look forward to it. Even though being a non Muslim, that person has been encouraging me to fast knowing me well that I might not fast on some days.

And most of all, I am looking forward to open houses just so I could eat all the wonderful Malaysian food.

To my friends Muslim and Non-Muslim from all over the world, I wish you Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin. Please forgive and forget if I have unknowingly hurt your feelings or done you wrong.

Can't Hold Back

I didn't realise it was already more than a month since my last post. I guess there's a lot of things going in my life.

I'm still alive and I feel alive. I stop being so hard on myself after I realised that only I can make myself happy. Take That said that my time is coming and told me not to be late :)

It's funny weird how things turned out to be. I didn't plan to go and she didn't either, but fate intervened. We met, got a little distracted with each other and now we can't seem to stop chatting every night.

These days I found that sometimes sleep deprivation is good for the soul. But please remind me I said that when I becomes cranky during the day!

I like the fact that I look forward to reading the texts in the morning and talking on messenger the last thing at night.

of expensive walls

It seems like life is taking over.

No more mundane things. It's all extraordinary.

Sometimes when I was in my old shoes, I cannot take a step further than I want to. There are certain boundaries that I have to observe. More like living behind walls, except these walls are somehow self-made.

Do you remember when Berlin Wall came tumbling down in 1989? Bit by bit people chipped away the wall. To be free at last.

My walls are coming down. I think the west side is completely knocked down and I'm currently trying to find my courage to bring down the east side.

I don't know what the reaction from easterners yet. Maybe I'll never find out. That would be scary. At what price am I paying this?

of your little sister

Dear Aci,

I know you are quite busy most of the times, but I wanted to tell you something. Only that I'm not sure how to bring it up. It's hard for me though because I am quite a private and reserved person.

I think it could be due to several reasons and upbringing is certainly one of them. We hardly ever talked heart to heart, and when I was a kid, you were not around much anyway. But somehow when I get older or more accurately, when I became an adult, it is slightly easier to tell you things even though there are some that I keep hidden.

Over the last few years, I have written most of my thoughts on the internet. Quite a lot of them are about my anguish, anger, frustration and struggles, and everything else that tickled my fancy when I was growing up.

It is sort of therapy. And I needed that to help me find myself. I was lost. Sort of don't know who I was, and what I wanted in life. In other words I was miserable and restless. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not.

Maybe when I'm ready and you are too, then I will tell you my big secret. I am not good with conversation. If we talked, I would have cried and become emotional, and you would be the same. I'm not good with emotional struggles but I can write and I hope in time, you would understand.

One day at a time, I will let you read my thoughts on my blog. I started writing since 2004, but please don't mention this to Na or even your boys just in case they google me and find it. I'm not ready for them yet, but I am slowly getting used to the idea of you reading them. Plus, it has adult content anyway. Things that some people wouldn't even begin to imagine.

You are my only sister and I love you so much. I don't want you to worry. I am not in any kind of trouble. All I want is to be able to talk to you freely. I want us to have a closer relationship and be more like friends, but I am scared.

I'm not sure if you would understand. I am scared that you'd be judgmental because honestly I don't need that. I had enough on my plate anyway. All I want is understanding and love. I want people to love me for who I am. I certainly hope so, especially you.

So this is the beginning.

of poison dart frog

Some people are born to be destructive. Some are born to educate. Some are born to offer love. And some are born to be selfish.

It seems like in at least one of our veins, there's some sort of catalyst poison lurking around. That one evil streak. Jealousy. Naughty. Rude. Gothic. Think we are better than the other.

Are you really?

I hate people who preach like they know better. Why do some like to insist that their views, their ideas, their way of thinking are the right way?

Excuse me? Who are you again?

of smoky bandit

Officially, England has gone smoke-free.

And here I was, sending a message to TTG to bring me more Dunhill Light. I can't even smoke in the pub or enclosed public places anymore. I plead my innocent. I smoke only when I'm happy, which is not too often (please believe me) ;)

Other people smoke when they have nothing to do or when they are depressed. Not me, no sire! If I was then I would have killed someone in the last 2 years. You'd probably wouldn't notice me behind the smoke. I would be dead by now.

But I am a little confused. Bus stop is not an enclosed place but we can't smoke there since it's substantially enclosed whatever. My question is, can I smoke while I was walking? Or can I smoke at the park? After all, parks are public areas. What about smoking under an awning or something like that? I read the rules about roof and stuffs but I don't think I would ever understand the legal language, but I do know one thing. I do not want to pay £50 for the fine!

With the smoking banned, the biggest pick up line ever would also get written off from history. When you fancy someone in a club or pub, you can't even ask for light anymore!

of gay and gesture

"Even though we've come a long way, gays and lesbians are still fired from their jobs, beaten in the streets and the brunt of cruel jokes. Some people think an abomination, but we think we're just fine. Gay Pride is our day to say we're here, we're proud of who we are. We're celebrating ourselves, no matter what the rest of you think" -Katie Belge-

I need sleep.

It's funny how I used to say I could relax during the weekend now that I just work on weekdays. I was kidding. It was more tiring than working. Having fun is exhausting. But I am not complaining, honest.

Saturday saw me at the Pride parade. I went later than I planned to so I missed quite a bit, but it was very encouraging to see so many people out there bracing the rain and all. I was drenched but do I care?

Even an ice cream van was in the parade. How cool was that?

London is a very gay friendly city. Everywhere on the streets of Soho they had parties, DJs, rally and cabaret. Soho Square turned into British Airways Square for the day with lots music and stuffs. It has been 35 years since the first pride, and they do come a long way to fight for respect and equality.

Later that night, after my friends left, I didn't feel like going home just yet so I hang around Old Compton Street, watched people and smoked the last few cigarettes before smoke-free England begins.

There, I met Scott and Chris from Milton Keynes, having a drink outside a pub. They were really funny especially Scott, and we learned a few things about each other. At one point Scott grabbed hold of a stack of the Pride magazines left at the dump. He gave us 5 copies each to try and give it away to passersby as quickly as we could.

It was in the middle of the night and drizzling so people dodged us left and right. It became a mission who could finish their copies first. It was hilarious because people thought we were drunk and crazy. We only wanted to give the mags away so we were pretty harmless, really.

Chris just stood there whereas Scott and I were running around giving it away. In the end, it was a tie between Scott and I since we got rid of them at about the same time. Chris was still holding all of his. It was almost midnight when I left and when I got home I just went to sleep straight away.

On Sunday I woke up feeling a lot sober but I just stayed in bed trying to read and watch some telly. I think I didn't remember what I watched anyway.

Later that afternoon, I went to Stratford because the Poles threw me a dinner party. I met TCG BF for the first time since The Candle Girl got together with him 2 weeks ago. She said he was my birthday present and I could use him for 1 hour, any way I want. LOL.

Dinner was simple but delicious. I know they hardly cook at home but I was touched by the gesture. They don't really have to do it and it was nice to know that some friends will go to a distance for you. When they sent me to the bus stop, Marc started singing 'The Jolly Good Fella' and everyone else joined in. We were walking hands on shoulders and when we had to cross the street, we put on a show like an Irish riverdance to the traffics. It was fantastic!

When I got home it was 2am. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...