of heartbreak hotel

Back in the days when I first ran away from heartbreak, I bled like nobody’s business. I didn’t know it could hurt so much. I didn’t know it was going to make me numb and shut me off from everything that I was familiar with.

I thought how could this be? I didn’t even know I was in love. I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone so much that I felt I wanted to die when things turned sour.

Well, sour is an understatement. I hit rock bottom. How many times during the nights I cried myself to sleep? How many times I was furious with myself for being such a complete idiot? How many times I felt the knife went deeper every times I saw the other person pulled away from me?

I hated myself for being so vulnerable.

My heart was red and swollen. I had no other way but to drown myself in a different direction. How could I begin to tell you that I ached so badly that my heart had duct tapes all over it?

I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to be loved. If I could love someone unconditionally, why couldn’t someone love me back? Is it too much to ask?

I heal over time, and I rejoice for a while after I come up to the surface. But when I think I’m ready to start over and find a person who could love me as I am, I am scared. Where do I begin? Where do I find love, or does love comes looking for me? Clueless is what I am.

When a friend found out that her partner cheated on her, I told her to re-invent herself. Easy to say, eh? Now how do I do that to myself? Where do I go to find all the people who would find me attractive and interesting to date?

Wait! Now that I know who my type is, do I really want to date, or do I want to go straight to bed? LOL. That would be fascinating!

of a softie and a bouncer

I officially began my new life as a full time staff at an internet café last Wednesday. It’s not really an exciting job, but it pays the bills. I work long hours, but then again even with my previous company I work even longer hours and sometimes I was not at home for days.

I guess this one is okay. No fancy title to define who I am. No big salary or a beemer to show off. No expensive dresses or gadget to match.

To be honest, I asked myself, do I really care? Does it bother me that I don’t have all these? Imagine when I go home to Malaysia and people would be asking,

“So what do you do in London?”

“I work at internet café”

“Really? You mean you have an internet café?”

“No. I’m the bouncer”

“Oh!”

Ah well.

I am the bouncer, really. I have thrown a few people out of my store. You see, 3 teenagers came to the store almost every day. One day I caught them in the area that was closed so I threw them out. This week they came again, and I suspected that they were hacking into the system.

I confronted them. Me short fat woman, them big tall boys. I am not the confrontational type. Never. I walk from an argument and even if I tried, I’d lose big time. My hands were shaking and my voice trembled. They made it worse when one of them challenged me. I called 999. Well, I didn’t really call the police, but I pretended that I did.

A lot of things had happened since I work here. Some are good, some bad. The bad ones make me wish that I never changed my job, but I guess it’s the harsh and hard reality of life that one has to face.

I am simple yet complicated. The softie me will have to toughen up. And I guess it’s about time to discover and re-discover.

damn thief!

I am pissed off! Somehow, someone managed to disrupt my contented life.

You see, I was looking forward to a new job somewhere locally so that I can cycle to work. My two-years old bike was still good looking and in great condition. I had an old lock but I bought new chain lock that require combination just so I could park it on the street without having to worry.

I wired a pedometer to calculate the distance, time and speed when I cycle. I added new front and rear lights and put a drink holder for my convenience.

I even kept it in the hallway of my building.

All for nothing.

Some fucker managed to get inside and stole it right under my nose.

I know it's only a bike but it's £200 gone!

of love and path

Today I am honoured to be among the families to celebrate their official wedding ceremony. They finally come out. (mmm.. that sounds very familiar)

She was the most gorgeous bride and he was looking rather handsome. Together they are beautiful. I had to hold back my tears when I looked at them.

I could not imagine how it was to keep a secret for years. Yet, now I could and I understand because I'd be living a similar life and keeping a secret myself.

She knows me well. Our paths are parallel.

To The Mentor and her groom, may God bless you and give you all the happiness in the world.



I love you.

what makes you you

Found out my new boss has a blog and he was too happy to let me know about it. However, there's no way I'm telling him about mine.

He had this on it, and I quite like the phrases.


The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you have anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish and having ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are frank and honest, people may cheat you. Be frank and honest anyway.

If you are successful, you may win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may try to destroy overnight. Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it's between you and God. It was never between you and THEM anyway.

three

3 weeks to live double lives.

3 weeks of being a juggler.

3 weeks of madness.

3 weeks of being a liar.

3 weeks of cheating.

3 weeks to make as much as one can.

3 weeks to liberation.

3 weeks to being sane.

3 weeks to start cycling.

3 weeks to leave.

3 weeks to stay.

3 weeks of driving.

Only 3 more weeks!

of war and truth

When I started blogging, I was in an angry, restless and confused state. Maybe my words were not too harsh, and I wasn't too bitchy, but I was angry nonetheless.

I wasn't happy with a lot of things, but most of all, wasn't happy with myself. I needed an outlet. And truth be told, blogging never ceased to amaze me and it didn't disappoint me either. Sometimes I had so much to tell, but couldn't find the words to write. So, they dissappear into the air. And some things are better kept to myself.

I had one before this titled FTBB with a real picture of skulls and destruction and that reflected what I was going through at that time. I was in a war.

Then I closed that chapter because I didn't know what I was fighting for.

Even when I started this one, I wasn't really sure of the title. I thought it was kinda corny, and it reflected only some parts of me. I didn't know where exactly I stand. In between what? Two countries? Two feelings? Two football clubs? Two choices? Two loves? What worlds?

The truth was that I wasn't sure about everything. Full stop.

But I realised the title says it all. I was in between. Now I'm on the other side.

of moving on

I said before that I have less and less ice cream to share.

As of mid May (wishful thinking) I will not have any left.

I loved the old company. I love The Mentor, and being the nicest person I had ever met, it's natural that I am going to miss her so damn much. Also, I am going to miss all the whinging and gossips, and the late evening phone calls chatting for hours about everything and nothing.

I am going to miss the creamy Belgian Double Chocolate and Dark Roast Coffee that gives the same kick as any Starbucks drinks. I will miss the green country sights and the beautiful dales that sooth me every time I see them.

What I won't miss is the knackered ice cream vans. And I'm not going to miss the long morning drive to Newcastle or Cornwall and be back on the same night. I will not miss the angry clients, and the less supportive colleagues.

It has been a very long and tiring but interesting journey. But some thing has to end somewhere.

Things happen for a reason

Since I last post an entry, there have been quite a lot of things that happened to me and my humdrum routine.

I could say that I had been fighting a lot. Literally. The changes that I'm going through are quite exhilarating and interesting. It's just another adventure. The last one was quite a shaky experience. This time it's a lifestyle. One that I'm sure of.

The beginning was quite frightening, I kid you not. It was as if I lived through madness and hell. Something that I wish I do not have to go through again. It's exhausting and very unpleasant. Yet, if I had to do it all over again, I'd pray for a shorter and quicker route to get to where I am today.

Forever I would be grateful to the people who have been supporting me. I could never asked for better friends than them lot. They show me the utmost understanding that overwhelmed every little doubt I had. They gave me the power not to be afraid anymore. They give me confidence to live, and they show me kindness to be happy.

I haven't changed. Yet, I have changed.

Changes. I love the word. It meant a lot to me. When you have been in a limbo like I had, you'd appreciate the little things that changed you. The big thing would take you by force. It's either you survive it, or die trying.

I have survived and accepted it. And I have adjusted it to suit myself.

What I want now is peace. What I need now is friendship. And what I desire now you can't imagine.

I AM MUSLIM

After the long wait for her book, I finally got a signed copy from DZ.

It was kind of TTG to bring it with her, and we really wish that you and Lily were here with us so we could get loose in London. Imagine 4 beautiful women together, we'd create a riot!

I'm proud of you my friend. Sad though cos I wasn't there to attend the launch but from what I heard and read I'm glad it was really 'happening' and a success. Next year for IAM2, I don't care one, I don't want to be left out again.

Thank you babe! For the mention in the book. Now all I have to do is wait for the orders. Hahaha...

For those who hasn't got a copy of DZ's book, what the heck are you waiting for? Go get one. Now!

dis...

It seems like this blog has almost run its course. I am thinking maybe it's time to let it go, for ever. I love blogging, but am not sure this is what I want anymore.

Some of my friends have discontinued theirs. I have nothing else to write, no stories to tell, and less and less ice cream to share.

I'll think about it.

Yahoooooooooooooooo!!!

aaaa.. ahaaaa
Dancing in the dark middle of the night
Taking your heart and holding it tight
Emotional touch touching my skin
And asking you to do
what you've been doing all over again

Ohh...
it's a beautiful thing
don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know
what it is that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Ohhh... it's your love

Better than I was, more than I am
And all of this happened by taking your hand
And who I am now is who I wanted to be
And now that we're together,
I'm stronger than ever I'm happy and free

Ohhh... it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
If you asked me why I've changed,
All I gotta do is say your sweet name

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Ohhh.. it's your love

Ohhh... it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know what it is
that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't let go
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under,
Ohhh... it's your love
It's your love, it's your love, it's your love


Before you ask, no, no and no. I am not in love. But I am glad and feel like screaming for all the things that happened to me recently. I feel like telling the whole world about what I have found in myself, but I can't.

It's enough to say that I finally accept me for who I am. I am no longer searching for the lost soul. For years I was confused and depressed. I was scared and ashamed to dig deeper but in the last few weeks I have found the missing puzzle. I pieced them together and suddenly it became very clear. Crystal! It was there all along but I never saw it.

And my God, look at what it does to me! I am so happy and free that I couldn't stop this bubbling crazy feeling inside me. I feel like suddenly I have wings and could fly to wherever. Well, you could say that I'm in love with myself.

Hahahaha... 2007 will be good, I hope.

Bad Case of Resentment

Mmm... I'm going through a weird motion and I'm a little stress. It's just something that I can't talk about or express openly. Maybe one day I can.

A friend of mine Marc got a new job, and while I am happy for him, I do feel slightly jealous of him. But not enough for him to notice it. I may envy him a little, but he deserves it because he works hard to be where he is today. He actually put me to shame, therefore now I'm trying all out to send my CV and find a local job.

However, there is another girl Agy, who upon finding out that he got a new and better job, shows obvious resentment. The look on her face just suddenly changed and according to Marc her stare could kill someone. I know the kind of cold treatment she was giving Marc, and I feel for Marc because it wasn't even his fault.

Marc is a very friendly and cheerful person. He does have a lot of friends and always out and about. Whenever I spoke to him, he's always out drinking with someone or at a party. He loves drinking but he couldn't hold his drinks that well. After a few glasses of wine, he's done. At one party, he couldn't even remember that he claimed he was Jesus coming to town to save the people. It was rather funny, and we joke about that a lot.

Agy on the other hand is kinda annoying. She keeps tab on her housemates, prying into their life and checking up on them like she's their mother or something. She normally stays at home after work and hardly goes out with friends. When The Candle Girl comes home late, Agy would be asking her where she go and stuff. And when they didn't tell her their plans, she would be furious and annoyed with them.

I told Marc that she has a bad case of resentment towards them. I'm no psychologist but I think she feels left out, and she desperately wanted to be included in their outing plans. I do however think that if you're genuine and honest, you should be happy for your friends.

In this case, I think it was some kind of race of who can get a new job first between the two of them. Maybe Marc didn't feel that way, but I know Agy does. When I met Marc last nite, we finally analyse and noticed the little hints here and there in everything she does. It comes to a point that both Marc and The CG didn't want to tell her of their plan to go to Valencia in case she wanted to tag along. She told them that they have to let her know next time they want to meet me because she she wants to join, but guess what? They didn't tell her about meeting me last night.

Ah well. Good food, good company. I had a great time.

Greasy Limelight

This evening I had a very bad craving. I wanted cucur udang so badly like as if I were pregnant or something. You know it's a craving that won't go away unless I do something about it. If I didn't make some, I'd be having the same craving for the next few days so off I went to Sainsbury's and bought the ingredients.

I am far from rajin but I'm so bad that when I want to eat something I would go to a distance to make it.

There I was sweating like hell in the kitchen mixing the flour and stuff. But boy was I in for a disappointment. It was way below par. The funny thing is I always knew that I'd never made good cucur udang like I had a few weeks ago at a tahlil at Msia Hall.

An Indonesian woman brought some, and me and The Black Widow really love it. It was absolutely delicious. How come whenever I tried to make some it would never came out the way I want? Is there any secret ingredients that I didn't know about?

It wasn't good, but I stuffed myself with the lot of them anyway until I felt like puking from all the greasy snacks. Eeewwww!

Oh... At this moment, there's a show on telly 'Sun, Sea and Silicone' filmed in Penang about British women who want to do boob jobs. I dunno. Brits are weird. The young ones party hard, drink alcohol like water and go under the knife like it's a natural thing to do.

What disappoint me in that program was the GM of the hotel. I didn't catch the name of hotel, I think it's Park Royal or something but the GM is definitely 100% Malaysian. He claimed he had to check everything he requested for these women because if he didn't go into the room and check it himself, the staff wouldn't do it properly. The way he scolded his staff and told them not to lepak, yes he did say lepak, shows that he didn't trust them. Didn't he know how to delegate? And belittling everyone else? Come on, Mr De Silva, don't be too nasty, it's not nice. Not all Malaysians are lazy you know.

But then again, he probably wanted to be in the limelight. It is after all for a British television and him being a cheeky Malaysian wouldn't pass on that chance.

So there I was feeling sick with the fatty cucur udang swimming inside my stomach watching these girls having cosmetic surgeries in the homeland.

Dang! I gotta go on a diet, again.

hands off my baby!

The time has passed so fast it’s almost the end of February. Man!

I spoke to JackJack, or rather she baby-talked with me on the phone. Geramnya! Normally she would just hum to the phone, but this was the first time she actually wanted to talk. She turned two in December but oh how she’s grown in the last few months.

Talking about babies, CJ told me her plan to adopt but her hubby didn't agree to it. She was told that there’s someone in Narathiwat wanting to give away her child in return for RM8K. What comes to my mind is maybe the Thai mother lives in poverty, and in need of money to support the other family members.

But the truth is I don’t think she would be getting all the money. Anyone can guess that agent probably make more money out of this transaction. Let's say 1K is for the admin processing paperwork bla bla bla, the agent will take half of what's left and only then she gets the rest. For the poor the money might seem like a lot, but for me it seems like giving the child away for pittance. That bloody agent gets a lot for something he doesn’t deserve.

Ah well, what do I know? I don’t have children. I may not understand what the mother may be feeling. But I do know that there is no way for me to pay just 3K for a baby. Not the right price for a fortune we call life. And I cannot imagine being separated from my own child :(

Wholesome

This is a perfect title for today’s entry. I haven’t been feeling quite well, and I haven’t been complaining much about the people around me for quite some times. I guess nothing really exciting about the life I have. Social life is hardly thrilling, and love life is nonexistent.

I do, however, like to mengadu and merajuk about something. Alaaa… dah takde sapa nak mengadu to, so I have to write in my ever faithful blog.

I wonder why the hell can’t people just live peacefully, be thoughtful and happy for one another. Or the least they could do is mind their own business. That way everyone could be assured of a little privacy.

What I want to say has been in the newspapers for the last few weeks. You know the Big Brother hoohaa? This is not really about racism, but it has the same underlying tone.

Hmmm… there’s one guy here who most of us here dislike because his holier than thou attitude. He likes belittling people. Well, now that I think more of it, it does seem like bullying too. There is not need to shame people of their background, existence or even for work they do. Name calling, back stabbing and two-faced bitching aren’t necessary and sometimes you have to know when to hold your tongue.

Every time I hear something comes out from his mouth, it’s all I this, I that. Dia lah paling bagus, dia lah paling hebat. Puuhhhhhhhh…

It hurts when someone told me what this guy called me behind my back. You know, these are the kind of people I ran away from. The people I don’t want to have contact with. Malaysia is full with them bigot. They don’t do what they say, and what they say hardly mean something. They like to exaggerate. Sometimes they just say it to get rid of you, geddit? Or maybe to kiss arse? Who knows?

As much as I want to disassociate myself with such humans, I can’t. We are complex yet intriguing. If it happens just once I can forgive them. Twice, it’s down to stupidity. More than that they are just thick. I might as well ignore them.

Shilpa said don’t dwell on it. Keep your dignity and move on. But you know what? Tonight I felt I lost my cool a little. I felt like smashing his face, or smash anything at all. I nearly break my mugs after I kicked the desk.

Why can’t we respect people for who they are and for what they believe? People have feelings too, man. After all, we are brothers and sisters. I don’t judge you for the color of your skin, or for the bank balance you have. Why should you?

Next time you hear whatever people say behind my back ie budak gemuk, bodoh sombong or whatever, I don’t want to know. They may say it as a joke, but would you be laughing if this is about you?

You Know I'm No Good

Last Friday I went out with The Candle Girl. You know just to kill time, and also to catch up on a few things. I’ve been friends with her for a few years now, and we chatted a lot but I haven’t talked to her about serious things for quite some times. You know, like things that matter to the heart?

I don’t have anyone here I could talk the way I do with CJ or PS. I wish they were here so that I can rant about my worries, about who I really am, what I really want and about my anguish. I guess The Candle Girl is the only one I am comfortable to talk about all this shit. It’s quite terrifying to open up and to bare all to someone you barely knew even if you know there’s a possibility that they could be good listeners. Like The Black Widow. I admit she is nice and a good friend, but I’m not sure if I can tell her all the things I’m going to confess here.

The Candle Girl and I used to walk down the canals in Skipton talking about our dreams and future. About what we want in life and how to get them. We would buy a bottle of Bacardi Twister and plastic glasses, and as we sipped our drinks, we would talk about our fears and doubts. How I relish that moment when I could pour my heart out and have someone listened and agreed or argued with me. Someone who would share my thoughts, but would not be afraid to stand her ground and tell me otherwise. It was good that we met again for coffee, just the two of us. We had some quality time to actually talk and ponder on things that we entrusted with each other.

The chat didn't revolve just around talks about our dreams or friends anymore. It went much deeper. Maybe I’m a cynic for so long. I’m different when it comes to friendship. The Candle Girl told me what I’ve known for a long time. I give out my trust so easily that I’d end up losing a part of myself. I’d lose faith in people. I know I’m hopeless. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to believe that most people are kind-hearted and of good-natured. I’m readily available to offer my friendship.

I dunno why. Could it be that I want people to want to be my friends? Could it be that I want to hang on to them so that I don’t have to face the real nasty people out there? Could it be that I was born with this traits? Could it be that I refuse to believe and just live in my own world? What? What am I?

Even I’m at loss with myself. Yet, when it comes to love or a lover, I’m the opposite extreme. I hold myself back so much so that I didn’t give love a chance. Not even to explore the possibilities and to grow into something that could engulf my whole life. Deep down, I’m just scared.

Can you see the pattern? I’m way too open when it comes to friendship, but I shot down a chance at love faster than a man can say hello.

I don’t even know if I want to publish this piece. CJ once said that if I ever fall in love I would give everything I have to him. Wholeheartedly. She said that I was so damn generous that I wouldn’t have the heart to refuse anything at all. I’ll be damned!

That ain’t good, innit? You should be able to reserve at least 10 or 20% of yourself. Maybe that is why I always put a stop before it gets any further. Because knowing myself I would give it all and wouldn’t be able to pull my brake. Because if I got under the spell and got my heart broken, I would just crumble. I would be so miserable that you just want to see the back of me.

Gosh! I’m just writing rubbish. I dunno if I’m sane or not. I can’t believe I’m spilling my guts out.

The thing is there’s a nice guy who likes me. Anyway, that’s what everyone is saying. And I like him. We’ve been out and about and we have kissed. The world did spin a little, but I dunno if I want more. I don’t even know if I want to pursue this or commit myself to a relationship.

Is he worth the pain that I’ll be having? Is he going to break my heart? Can I trust him not to lust after another woman? I cannot bear the thought.

Yes. I am very cynical. I truly believe that every man, and I mean every single one of them, no matter how much they say they love you, will eventually break your heart. That they will cheat on their woman sooner or later. It may not be tomorrow, but it will happen in maybe 5 years, or 30 years down the line.

There! I said it. Hah! I’m so terrible that I think Datuk K and Siti will only last 10 years. They’d be lucky to have 15 years together. You know, it's the woman of the moment. Or whatever.

I don’t know if any man can prove me wrong. My father scarred me. Just look at some of my college friends struggling with their marriage lives. Pretty scary I tell you. I always believe that men think with their dicks and they always will. It is, after all, lust taking over their brain. At one point, when I had my heart crushed I hated men. I think I still do, and I don’t trust them. No, not even one bit.

More problems to me then. I admit that I can be very jealous. For me it has to be exclusive or nothing at all. I don’t mind him bonding and going out with his mates as long as it’s not another woman he’s thinking of.

Though I admit there are some rare gems out there, but even they make me sceptical whether they are genuine or not. Whether they would change the direction of their boats when the strong wind blows.

So I put on my shield. Keep moving. Keep the distance. New adventures around the corners otherwise you’ll be in trouble. The truth is I am tender-hearted and very vulnerable. I would offer up my entire being - body, mind, heart and soul, and it would be just pure weakness on my part. I know it doesn’t have to be that way, but that’s how I am.

The Candle Girl asked what am I afraid of?

I dunno, my own heart, I think. That I would sell my soul to the devil.

“It’s the hurt, sweetie. You’re always scared of it.”

She was right, you know.

“You can’t run away from love just because you might get hurt.”

I know. Love hurt, but it also healed. And it was what mattered most in the world. Deep down I know that love was worth the risk but dare I take it? Like the love that my JackJack showed when she beamed up after she saw me and called me Mummy, and the warm flow that I felt in my veins when she wrapped her tiny fingers around me for a hug. I wish I could love a man like I love her unconditionally.

“You have to change.”

My dear friend, I dunno if I can. I wish I can just close my eyes and say this to the man of my dream, “Darling, I’m all yours. Take good care of me.”

How to Look Good Naked

Since the move, I haven’t had my broadband working properly but I’m not complaining. That’s the kind of service you get when things are free anyway.

Last night, I got an email from my casting agency after almost one year of silence. In their email, I was informed that they would like to submit my name for an audition for a program how to look good naked.

Yes. You heard me. Naked. As in N.A.K.E.D.

I laughed because I find it quite funny. I remember telling them that I’m not willing to go topless or bottomless. And they send me this?

They asked for my measurements, weight, height and that kind of stuff. After the holiday season, how could they expect me to be in the same size? Of course I put on weight. I went back home for heaven sake!

So what did I do? Nothing. I brushed it off as silly joke.

But this afternoon, I received a phone call from the agency. The girl I spoke too was very nice even though I turned down the offer to put my name forward. But she warmed me up and in the end she got me to tell her the stuffs.

Hahaha… Some people can be quite persistent, eh?

I’ve heard of the program but I just never watched it. So I dunno who, how, why or what they want people to do in it.

Ironic isn’t it? My friend Dina is promoting her book “I am Muslim”, but here I am talking about appearing naked on telly. Hehe...

Ah well, it’s only for an audition.

Oh by the way, on the way to the internet cafe I received another call from Heidi that they want a picture of me in plain black or white bra and knickers only.

Hahahahahaaaaa.... I'm gonna be a porn star!

of pain and paint

Last week, I had a little project going for me. I came back to the UK knowing that I’d be moving room.

The current one is near perfect and comes with a balcony for lazying around in the summer. However, one thing I could not stand is the leaking and water dripping from the ceiling. There’s a bathroom on the floor above me. No way I could endure that anymore!

I knew that the ground floor room would be vacant on last Wed, and it happens that I knew the boy who lived there so I kinda know the condition of the room. The walls were sorta dirty with ashes and black mark. They looked pretty rundown.

Yet, that didn’t stop me since I plan to paint them all over (with the management approval, of course). The manager told me that he could get Rarebit, the handyman at the block, but I’d rather DIY. First, because I could get it done quicker and second, I was very impatient.

Stopped at Wickes to get cans of paints and I was unable to make up my mind about the colors. I had enough of soft green, and I don’t fancy blue anymore. Not interested in red or purple though I like to have purple hair. After spending more than 2 hours, I decided to use tones to create some sort of depth in the room and finally got a can each of caramel and soft sand.

So, on both Thursday and Friday, I was busy going up and down the ladder. Sampai rasa macam nak tercabut lutut. Looking at the room now, I am very satisfied and happy that it looks the way I want.

Though, I was annoyed with one comment made by a Malay guy who saw me doing the walls. He said, and I quote, “Eh, pompuan pun boleh buat keje ni ke? Ingat kan lelaki je”

Huh?

Hello mister? Ish ish ish… You ingat ni zaman apa? Of course women can do these kind of things when we put our mind to it, except most of us sometimes chose not to. CJ, PS and I did it once when we lived in Bandar Baru Sentul, and as I remember, we had fun doing it.

I can’t imagine a man who lives in the UK saying that. Haven’t he seen any of the DIY home makeover programs on telly? The 60 Minutes Makeover has a lot of handywomen doing the dirty job and I’m sure there are a few other daytime programs.

This guy should at least open his mind to the surrounding. It’s quite embarrassing to be ignorant.

don't wait till she comes, go to her

What a nightmare!

I dunno why Blogger team makes us change to using Google account. I find it terribly annoying and troublesome because I failed to login every time I tried. I can do everything else as usual but that login thing certainly menyusahkan.

Imagine this: Whenever I want to log in, I had to create a new blog just so I could sign in to my blogger/google account. Gila!

Just like the previous years, I don't make a habit of having new year resolutions. I'm sure half the population make this commitment to themselves, yet most would be broken shortly after they were set. What's the point?

Once, I was convinced that having new year resolutions would set my priorities right. First, I would work hard to lose the fat that has been inside me for as long as I could remember. Sure, I was motivated. I workout everyday, and most of the time I would overdo it thinking that I could achieve my goal in short period of time.

Then I told myself I'd find another job. I convinced myself that I hated my current job and it didn't give any on the job orgasms. And I told myself I'd buy a house soon. Get my dream car. Build my business. So on.

Hummmpppp....

Some people have a simpler need. Get married, have a baby, be happy.

Soalan saya: Bahagiakah mereka?

Maybe. But that's not what I want. Just yet.

I tell myself life will be better when I switch jobs, when I have a nicer car, when I take a holiday, when I migrate to another country. Life is just about to start when I do all that.

I get frustrated because all that things happened but the obstacles are the same. I still have ordeals to go through, work to be finished and lots of bills to be paid. I realised these are life.
We create happiness along the way with all the little things that matter.

Stop waiting to lose that 10 pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening, for a new car, for summer, for Mr. Right. The time is now.

Though I wouldn't mind losing that 10 pounds!

photos of yesteryear

Leave the footprints, take the memories and keep your heart with you

Flowers at Hyde Park, Oxbridge Boat Race, Chilly spring at Tower Bridge
Up the Brighton booster, market place in Barcelona, mirror image at Catalunya
Colourful city of Krakow, riverview in Torun, pretty face of Nicholas

Happy New Year 2007

Without noticing it, the time flies very quickly. It's now 2007 and I think I did not accomplish anything of excellent achievement in 2006. What a waste!

A lot of things has taken toll on me. A lot of pressure and battles I have with myself that I do not know if they were any good. Mind, body and soul.

Blogging has also become the last thing I think of lately. I realised that I manage to put up only 5 posts over the last 2 months. Very disappointing for someone who used to post almost everyday in her old defunct blog.

Anyway, I will try to get rid of this laziness and maybe share more boring stories of my life.

I hope this year will bring more happiness and opportunity. Selamat Tahun Baru

Malang Tak Berbau

We can never know when an ill-fated incident could happen to us. Sometimes we think that the horrific thing would never happened and when we least expected it, that is when it will happen.

I had the shock of my life when I arrived at my sister’s house in Kedah on the 8th. Everyone greeted me at the door, but I didn’t see my sister. Mana pulak pompuan ni? I spoke to her on the phone so I knew she was at home but I was curious as why she didn’t come out.

As I walked to the kitchen, I saw her walking but I was speechless looking at her blackened face, hands and feet. Muka dia bengkak and hitam abis and she didn’t look like her old self. I was still unable to say anything when I was told that she got burned while she was cooking and it happened 2 days before.

When my BIL changed the gas, he didn’t realized that the tong was a bit smaller that the normal one they used, so the gas comes out little by little until an hour later when Aci bukak the cabinet door, the gas terus sambar and burned the parts that were not shielded by her cloths and trousers. Her hands are worse because she was trying to pull tudung yg tengah terbakar on her.
When this happened, there were quite a lot of relatives at home. A few of them ran to get the water hose and pulled it in the house, but she and my cousin screamed to them not to spray with water because it will trap the heat in the body, thus making it worse, or so they said.

She was warded for a couple of days. According to the doctor, the burn on her face is not too bad as it is only 11% and it will heal within two to four weeks. But the hands and feet are 25% burnt and some of her cell maybe damaged.

I thank God that the skin on her face was healing by the time I left to KL for Ace’s side of the wedding. I don’t mind that we have to cancel our plans to go on vacation with the whole family. I just pray that she will be alright. I know you will, Aci. You are the strongest one among the five of us.


Note: Another accident happened to my mobile phone. It got thrown into the toilet bowl, and now suffers severe depression and had to be warded. Due to this medical condition, I am unable to retrieve Naz's and Mar's numbers. I sincerely apologise because I didn't call and I wouldn't be able to see you like I planned to.

The Wedding Part One

It has been awhile since I last updated the blog after I reached Msia. Up until the 8th of Dec., everything was ok and things went smoothly.

As PS was waiting for the chocolates for the hantaran, CJ and I went straight to Muar the evening after I arrived. Her sisters were anxious and worried that they might have less hantaran if we didn’t get there on time. Nevertheless, we were on time and even managed to check in at the hotel before heading to her house.

She was in the middle of majlis berinai when we got there and she looked absolutely glowing. The atmosphere was very lively, (and noisy) with the karaoke session and the children running around. There was one makcik who kept singing nonstop until we laughed because of her garau voice. At other times, her voice changed to become so halus and high pitched! At least she was cool about it and not ashamed to be singing in public. Kalau I, sure malu punya. Ahaks... nyanyi dlm bathroom aje lah.

At the same time we helped PS’s sister to arrange the last hantaran, the above-said chocolates. Since she wasn't able to move her fingers and grab a handful of chocs, she asked that we hid some for her to eat later. Heh! Some thing never changed.

The next morning we got there quite early since we wanted to be there for the akad. The groom and his family members arrived almost at 10am when we were already at the surau. Amboi! Masa akad suara the groom, I heard, was very slow and soft. Tahan nafas kot?

I told CJ to take pictures of PS as soon as the akad finished, and we caught the funniest expression on her face. We thought she would be ‘terharu’ instead she was ecstatic and secretly clapping her hands, probably in seventh heaven already. Ish ish ish… tak senonoh sungguh kawanku ni.

Before I came home, I made an agreement with Brian that he was to be our photographer so that CJ and I could just enjoy the day, lepaking and meeting friends. Unfortunately, he didn’t turn up since he had an urgent family matter. Dang! But I guess we managed to take some excellent shots, which unfortunately can’t be displayed here.

I’ve never seen PS looking so different. The woman I’ve known for almost 12 years always seemed very youthful, naive and innocent, but on that day I can say that the bride looked extremely exquisite in her green outfit. CJ said she looked a bit like Kyra whateverhernameis the actress.

Whatever it is, I am very happy for her to have met her Ace.

the bagel tragedy

I love bagel, especially the classic with smoked salmon and cheese. Isn't that the most wonderful guilty pleasure? Guilty because of the carb, and pleasure for the healthy salmon :)

Last week, I bought the onion and poppy seeds bagels only to throw them away because they were burned everytime I put them in the oven. Hitam semua bagelku! Today, with the last bagel and the last slice of salmon I was determined to get it right.

Tragedy almost happened, but it was still edible and munchable, so makan je lah walaupun dah terlebih gelap.

Bagel, however, must be accompanied with cheese. Unfortunately for the bagel, the cheeses are all in my bags heading to Malaysia gara-gara my sister. Aci ni memang hantu cheese, and now all her sons followed her footstep.

Of all the things they ask to bring back, they want cheese. Orang beli coklat bawak balik, I beli cheese :) Takpe lah kan, setahun sekali je. Lagipun cheese kat sana mahal sangat and takde varieties like you can find here.

Burp!

Opss.. dah kenyang with the hangit bagel.

It's almost 4am. I can't sleep because I fear that if I go to bed, I won't be able to rise on time to catch my flight at ten.

Last night I even dreamt that I missed the flight.

This is my first time flying with Qatar Airways. Done Emirates and I wasn't that impressed with their flight attendants. One particular attendant was rude when she used her foot to point the footrest. It was just unacceptable.

These days flying with Malaysia Airlines is out of the question. By choosing Qatar, I paid £200 less. Banyak tu! The different is just a four-hour transit in Doha. Never mind lah. Apalah sangat 4 hours tu compared to the extra cost. I keje extra 4 jam pun tak dpt gaji sebanyak tu.

Anyway, let's stop merapuing. I received a message from PS and from my nephew. Both messages said they can't wait to see me. Awww... It is nice to know there are people who are waiting for you. Somehow it made me feel extra special and that I am loved.

To be honest, I didn't feel excited about going home until yesterday when I started packing. Then it all dawned to me that I'm going to be in the company of my loved ones, and that's what important.

I love it here, in London, but there are times when I want to feel that I'm needed. However much I want to deny it, there is a gap inside me that long to be among the familiar faces.

Wait no more, Ewok.

I'll be home.

Not sure of the right wordings, but this comes from Ada Apa Dengan Cinta?

Ku lari ke hutan
kemudian menyanyiku
ku lari ke pantai
kemudian teriakku

Sepi,
sepi dan sendiri
aku benci
aku ingin bingar
aku ingin di pasar

Bosan aku dengan penat
dan nyah saja kau pekat
seperti berjelaga jika ku sendiri

Pecahkan saja gelasnya
biar ramai yang mengaduh
sampai gaduh

Ada malaikat menyulam
jaring labah-labah belang
di tembok kraton yang putih

Kenapa tak goyangkan saja locengnya
biar terderai
atau aku harus lari ke pantai
belok ke hutan?

updates... updates

Alamak! I better change the song on this blog. Raya dah abis duh... Ahaks.

A month of absence. No pressure, no addiction to blogging. I can't believe that I am now all above it. It's not that I didn't want to blog, but I just didn't have any ideas or the drive to write and even when the ideas came, they flew right out the window the moment I switched on the pc.

As for cik sitikus in the house, I have also made peace with him. We now co-exist without any arguments as I am just so penat of hunting him and trying to kick him out of the room. May you have a long life!

Just a little update in my life.

Two weeks ago, I went on a shopping spree at Cheshire Oaks Shopping Village. It's about 4 hours drive from London, so The Black Widow and I left on Friday night and stayed in a B&B near Chester.

Early Saturday morning we were already there ready for our mission of finding inexpensive stuff. To be honest, I'm not a shopaholic. The last time I emptied my bank account was more than a year ago. So, I guess this time, all the pent-up feeling were finally unleashed.

We went into all stores and tried on almost everything that was there sampaikan both of us lupa nak makan. And, the funny thing was that we didn't manage to finish all the 140 stores that we decided to go again the next day. Gila!

Some items are really cheap and some are not too bad. But the most bargain ones were the 8 pairs of Nike and Puma trainers that Black Widow bought for only £107. That is dirt cheap! And 11 Revlon lipsticks that I got for only £21 is not bad either. Oh not to forget we got bargain CK bras that were going for only £1 or £2 only. The bras were not even in my list but I think at that time, both of us went just absolutely mad and could not believe our luck.

As I drove back, I realised that it was actually fun going for a shopping spree, but not if you do it too often. Bankrupt saya!

The second time I was on high is when, with fellow bloggers, I went to watch Dirty Dancing at Aldwych Theatre. I can't believe I even remember the song sang by Baby's sister (remember with her hula hula and hawaiian skirt?)

At the end of the show, what can I say? Gila best! With the audience singing along, we couldn't ask for a better ending. Read Jane for more review.

Anyway, in 4 days I'd be on my way back to Malaysia. Yaabedabedoooooooo!

of hide and seek

Sekarang dah pukul 6 pagi tau! One whole night I couldn't sleep. It was all because of you. Isshh... tension sungguh aku dengan budak sekor ni.

I heard about you from other tenants, but I just never thought you would come to me.

At first, I just heard the noises you're making. You never showed your face. You must be scared of me and that's why you don't want to see me, do you?

I tried looking for you, but you just went quiet all of a sudden. I wonder why.

I know there's a cafe downstairs, I guess that must be the reason you have become an illegal tenant, just like your other mates. You don't pay rent. You steal the food. You sleep in our rooms. Dah la tak keje, makan pun nak bersuap ke?

For the last 2 months, I was pretty ok on my own until a few days ago when I had my suspicion that you have invaded my privacy. Can't you just leave me alone?

This morning, I noticed you managed to steal serunding daging. It's going to be raya soon, you silly bugger. Now I don't have serunding to eat with my ketupat. How inconsiderate of you! Thank goodness I still have another packet of serunding to keep me going, but I made sure that is hidden from you.

Over the last few hours, I noticed you have become a little bit daring. You finally showed your face to me. Eh, hello? You're just a little fella. I'm bigger and stronger you know. I will get you this time.

Being hungry makes one become more aggressive and determined. Well, guess what, buddy? I am determined too. Berperang lah kita. You will not be allowed in my place ever again. By hook or by crook I will kick your sorry ass out. I just can't stand you rummaging my place and leaving shits behind. I'm not your maid.

If you want food, go get them at the shops on the street. I'm not a charity. I know you're hungry, but that doesn't entitled you to abuse my place. I saw you running up the steps looking for my serunding. You think I'd leave it there again? Bodoh!

I heard you trying to steal what's left inside the tesco plastic bags. When I called out for you, you stayed hidden. But you can't fool me. I saw you jumping down when you heard me rising from my bed. I opened the door and told you to leave, but you're so stubborn. When you ran, I wanted to smash you so hard with the newspaper that I had in my hand. Lucky you I missed.

But the hunger pang is so strong that you can't afford to stay hidden. When you think it was safe, you slowly came out again. It was like playing hide and seek. I wish I have a baseball bat so that I can hit you so hard that your head just crack. Biar pecah berderai.

I'm not that heartless so I'm going to give you another chance to go quietly. I'd leave the food outside the door and you can eat your heart out. Just don't come back inside. You're not welcome here.

Hey little fella, get lost! If you're still not out from my place by tomorrow night, I'm gonna trap you. Mati kau, tikus!

Do you feel it? Or is it just me?

These days, when Raya comes, everything seems very different from when we were children.

The atmosphere is different. I used to love going to masjid for solat raya with my mom. Not to show off the new baju or shoes but that was the time when mom got to meet her friends before her house was swamped with visitors.

Normally, after we got home, there was little chance for her to get out again until probably late afternoon.

So, it was up to me to deliver all the kueh raya and cakes to the neighbours (kecik-kecik dah keje delivery.. heheh)

As I hardly had any friends in the kampung since I went to school in the city, I didn't go anywhere on the first day. If I wanted to go to friends' house, I had to take the bus and that's only happened on the second or third day.

Normally, my brothers would go to their friends house as soon as the solat ends and they would be back just before midday. So, it was up to me again to be at home helping mom. Well, what do you expect from boys anyway? Takde nye nak tolong in the kitchen sangat pun.

I remember following the kampung kids around to kutip duit raya. We went everywhere, even though we didn't know the hosts. We still went in to drink air sirap and eat a kueh before getting our duit raya. I stopped when I turned 12. Malu.. dah besar kan.

Last year when I went back for raya, I observed that kids these days just stood at the door, salam-ed the hosts and just waited for the duit raya. They didn't even have the decency to go inside the house, which kinda annoy me big time. Semua tunggu nak duit raya je. Some didn't even salam but just ran to the next house as soon as they got what they were after. Kurang sopan sungguh.

Kalau dari kecik tak diajar, dah grow up nanti dah tak makan saman dah. If my nephews and nieces did this, memang dah kena dah ni.

Oh... talking about anak sedara, dah bertambah meriah lagi lah one of my brothers' house. Anak dah semakin ramai. Yang pengsan nya Ucu ni lah. When I'm there, all of them will be like Ucu beli ni, Ucu beli tu, Ucu nak makan ni, Ucu jom main tu. Adoii... penat Ucu korang melayan, but since I go home pun sekali sekala, kasi chan je lah to them kan.

I love it when all of them waiting to hug me when I was at the airport. Even my brothers hugged me without teragak2. When I look back, I find it funny that these alim looking men with goatie hugging a young woman (aheeemm... i young wot) with all the lebai and makcik2 watching. Hehehe... Think whatever you want lah Labuuu.

Before bulan mulia ni ends, I would like to wish my readers well, be it the silent or the chatty ones from all over the world (US, UK, Msia, Brunei, Spore, India, Japan, Switzerland, SouthAfrica, Mexico and a few more countries that I might have missed)

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin.

May God bless you.

Added: Kak Teh asked if I wanted to join her at Mawar for solat hari raya. Mmm... I dunno lah. Sembahyang wajib pun masih tunggang langgang and terawih pun dah bertahun tak penah pegi, tetiba yang sunat ni nak pi.

I feel like a hypocrite, but hypocrisy is not an excuse not to go. My answer would be Insyaallah.

I'm hoping that raya falls on Sunday. It will be work as usual if it's on Monday and I'd be in Wales. Sigh.

of scoop and semak

Finally, I'm finished with the event for this year. Last weekend I took a van to Battle for the re-enactment of the Battle of Hastings that changed the course of English history when William the Conqueror defeated King Harold of England.

Apparently it was such a big event that I was so damn busy I didn't even have time to look up at the battles on the showground. I was worried that I might run out of ice cream, which I did. So the next day, I had to call for backups. I asked Mr. C to deliver the stocks and I begged The Black Widow to work with me. Thank goodness for them!

Since the Black Widow was quite slow scooping the ice cream, I told her to be the cashier. Big mistake! To me anyway, cos by the end of the day I felt my arms macam nak terlucut. We sold 900 cones and 700 tubs!

Got back home rather late since the traffic was horrendous with cars driving out of Battle, and even after we got home I could not rest just yet because I had to wait for the parking space to clear out for my van. What a day!

While we were waiting in the Black Widow's room, she showed me some pictures. One of them being a picture of a special function and everyone had to wear 'protocol' costume. No offense to our baju kurung, but when I saw that photo I told her it looks so semak.

I think it's the different patterns of the kurung that makes the photo jadi semak and berserabut.

Engkau tu yang semak, she said to me. Heheheh...

Just look at some of your office photos and you know what I mean. These days, I prefer simple kosong pattern rather than the berbunga2 one. But when raya comes, I haven't got any baju kurung with me at all. Not that I will wear it anyway.

I remember going to a friend's wedding last Nov in KL wearing my jeans. Nobody said anything, but I did feel slightly uncomfortable since I was on my own. None of my other friends turned up. Hmmmmm... I promise I will not go to a wedding alone again. Never!

Anyway, I didn't realise that raya is on the weekend. I was planning to go out on a date with that Gentleguy from work so I had to cancel the date, again. We have been planning for the first date like forever! Entahlah... macam takde rezeki je.

Apa nak buat? Tunggu and lihat je lah.

of cooking and stars

Malam ni dengan sukacitanya I went cooking at friends' place by the river in Deptford. We have been planning to do the makan session for ages, but we never got the chance.

Everybody seems to be busy. In London, if you want to meet friends, you have to ask if they were free on such and such date. They'll check their diaries and get back to you whether it's ok or no go. You have to book a slot in their diaries. That's how it is. None like good ol' malaysian friends. You call them say 'weyyy, jom teh tarik?' and off you go.

It has been, say 6 or 7 months since I last cooked a proper meal. Man! That long? I mean I do eat proper meal ie rice and dishes, but all that were mostly tapaued from Mawar or Nahar.

I still hadn't decided what to cook though. It was for a party of 4 and we go way back when we all first started our job in the UK together. We are all at ease with each other, no pretence whatsoever. We had the same humble beginning and we used to live together at some point.

And all of them love my cooking. Heh! Though I know that Agy cannot stand hot and spicy food, but knowing her she won't be able to resist any of them. She would just leave out the gravy.

So, Kfiatek and I met at the Blackwells on Charing Cross, browsing for books before heading to China Town. I set my eyes on Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro and The Time Traveller's Wife. Just can't wait to get started.

Anyway, we were browsing at one supermarket when I finally decided I would make meehoon goreng with lotsa taugeh, fish balls, fish cakes, veggies and some campak-campak chicken dish. Imagine me trying to whip something simple after hanging up my senduk for months. Not a pretty sight, but I guess it's just like riding a bike. It came straight back just like that.

Having Kfiatek as my slave to chop all the veggies makes it easier. In the end, I enjoyed it very much and I'm sure they did too.

Thank goodness I didn't drive to their place or else I would not be able to drive back. I was so full, and I don't think I'd be having any sahur this morning. It's quite warm even though it was raining earlier and considering that we are already in Oct.

As I was walking back from the Bond Street station, I looked up and saw a few stars. I know it's already morning in Malaysia, but if you looked up at the sky tonight, we might be seeing the same stars.

of studio and sugar level

Yesterday, The Mentor and The Grey Hair were guests on Ready Steady Cook. The Grey Hair was a green pepper and The Mentor was a red tomato. It's pudding week so they took our ice cream along.
Quite cheeky The Mentor! She asked her family and me to come along to the studio to vote for her. Hehe...

I brought along The Black Widow, and both of us were excited to be on the set. I thought that the set looks bigger in telly and they look so neat.

Ainsley was faboulous and he was funny as ever. He hardly makes any mistakes therefore they didn't have to retake the scenes. The two guest chefs were James Tanner (isn't he cute and hot?) and Phil Vickery.

As they were filming it, they actually did it within the time slot given. All the preps and cooking, it looks like it was live. However, after the show The Mentor said that when she was asked to separate the eggs, they were already separated but were put back in the shells. Heh.. so now we know how they make it looks so easy and fast! Everything was prepared beforehand.

Being in the audience is a lot of hard work too, you know. We have to cheers, clap, make suitable sounds ie ooooohhh, aaahhh, ooooooo, woooooww etc. When Ainsley asked the audience to vote, you thought that the audience voted straight away didn't you? Nope, we didn't vote.

We waited until the contestants and chefs leave the set for a couple of minutes. It was because one of the regular chefs (Brian Turner) hates it when the audience didn't vote for him. What a sore loser!
Anyway, The GH won and The Mentor had to make do with a hamper. For health and safety reason, the audience can't sample the food. However, as the guests of the participants, we were escorted to the cafe area where we got to sample (I didn't just sample them, I eat them!) all the desserts that were made minutes before.

My favorite were the Chilli Mango and one that I didn't know the name. What a treat! I only break fast with a grape and water, and seeing all the puddings made me go crazy. My sugar level just shoots up to the ceiling!

I had a good time seeing the filming of the show. For me, broadcasting and filming are just wicked.

The show is scheduled on 30 Oct., so watch it! If we were lucky, we can see ourselves during the voting time.

kad raya or orang yang raya?

I am not the kind of person who would normally send kad raya, but this year dah buang tabiat dah agaknya. I bought ten cards but for whom, I have no idea yet.

A friend is selling them, so I thought I'll help her out with a bit of marketing on this blog.


Those who are interested to buy them, there are two designs as displayed. Simple yet very nice.

The card costs £0.80 each. If any of you are interested in purchasing them, please email me or leave a message.

When success comes knocking

A friend of mine complained that she has been the receiving end of malicious treatment. It's all just because she works as a cleaner at some residences owned by the Malays.

"Hina sangat ke aku keje cleaner ni?" She asked me during sahur time.

"Apa duhhh... most melayu memang macam tu, suka pandang rendah kat orang lain," I said to her. "Never mind them, L, we know what we are doing. As long as we happy and tak susahkan orang, to hell with them!"

"You and me are the same huh? You driver, I cleaner."

Yes, that's what we are. I am driver cum delivery woman cum ice cream seller and she is a cleaner cum waitress. Whatever work we do, they help pay the bills. Though at some point, I'm tired of listening to people being high and mighty with me.

What I don't understand is that some people when they striked gold mines, they change overnight. Not just their houses and cars, but their attitude too.

The truth is that real successful people have a sense of dignity that they are pretty solid in themselves. They don't need to show off, brag about what they have or who they are. They maintain modesty because they simply can't be bothered with attention-seeking stuff.

So, listen here. If one day you become the man or woman to be reckon with, show some poise, be a bit separate from the herd, considerate and be someone others might like to look up to. You don't need to be aloof and standoffish. Dignity is about showing self-respect and having quiet self-esteem.

It's amazing to see many self-proclaimed successful Malaysians, yet they lack dignity.

In the meantime, stop being a prick. Unless you want to pay our bills, let us do our jobs and you do yours.

A Little Observation

Let's see, I've been staying in central London for slightly more than 2 months.

I can't deny that everything is just around the corner. The cinema is just 20 minutes away (during peak times, walking will get you there faster than taking a bus). I can get to the park even before you finish saying jump. Hehe, just kidding. It's still very close by.

For groceries, Sainsbury's, M&S and Tesco is less than 5 minutes walk. For Malaysian foods, it's just 30 seconds away :) What more do I want, right?

When I moved here, I thought it is just a temporary measure because I was desperate to find a shelter. But after having a little discussion with my other half (not my man duh), I might decide to stay here longer. It's all due to it's great location.

The people who lived here, however, are much to be desired.

Let me tell you about one Malay boy. I don't know his name but he works at one of the Malaysian restaurants in London. He has piercings at the end of one of his eyebrows. Also, he's got his tongue pierced.

I have nothing against people who have face accessories, if I may call it. I even thought of getting my eyebrow pierced when I was a rebel (with a cause, of course), but decided against it after I chickened out. Well, I'm not going to talk about his interests in body piercing. What I want to say is I find it really sad when I heard him talking.

He's trying so hard to blend in with the matsalehs that he forgotten one basic rule. Never forget your manner. He is the most kurang ajar boy I ever met here. I can't believe my ears when I heard him swears at The Black Widow. He hurls the word 'babi' and swear words easily, not caring that she's older than him. In front of The Old Pervert, tunjuk baik benar and pijak semut pun tak mati, but behind him, he calls him names. Sedih I tengok budak ni. But salah siapa? The parents for not teaching him well, or him?

Then there's The Old Pervert. His daughters are all grown up and the wife is quite pretty, but he is still looking for a second wife. His reason is that he wants a son. I don't quite understand these kind of people. There must be a reason why God didn't give them sons. He may want them to jaga and teach their daughters well instead.

My informer told me that The Old Pervert has asked her to marry him, but before that he wanted to have sex with her. You know, like the kind of things you buy at shop, try before you buy. Ada ke? What kind of short twisted mentality is that? Orang tua gatal.

Another guy, let's call him The Chef, is also pursuing The Black Widow, but he's more subtle than The Old Pervert. He uses kind words and romances to bring her fences down. He gives her flowers and cooks special dishes for her. To her, he was just a friend and kekadang she rimas with his advances but he never got the hint. I saw the text to her saying that one day they'll be together.

Someone warned The Chef's wife about him coming home late and put the blame to The Black Widow. They have assumed that The Black Widow is trying to 'rampas laki orang' as the Malays would put it. How sad. The woman in question does nothing, it's the man that have the itching between his legs, but weehoo... it's the woman who is the slut. How totally unfair.

There's a lot I can learn just looking at them. I hope that one day they will change, but that is wishful thinking. I don't want to end up being bitter, assuming and nasty like these people because I know I am better than the rest of them.

of Poles, wedding and vodka

Ahhhhhh... I'm finally on holiday.


Krakow

Dah dua hari I'm in Poland.

I came here not knowing anything about Krakow because I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't meet my expectation. That is how I was when I went to Barcelona, and Barca did amaze me with its beautiful architectures.

A few years back, Marc told me that Krakow is similar to Prague but luckily I didn't remember him saying that until he asked me after I left the city. To me, Krakow is so much better. The Poles are absolutely the friendliest lot I ever met.

When we arrived in the city, we were trying to find a parking space for the car when a couple of workmen, out of the blue, came to us and told us, in sign language, that we need to find a guy in vest and pay for the fee. They went out of their way and that made us feel welcome.

In the old days, Krakow was their capital city and was a very prominence education, business and cultural centre before it was moved to Warsaw. After the Nazi German occupation, Warsaw was completely destroyed and had to be rebuild from stratch. However, Krakow escaped complete destruction and managed to maintain its old look thus preserving the local arts and architectures.



Although the city is not modern and maybe about 10 years behind than most of the developing countries, it has its own charms. The serenity of Krakow just blew my head off. I just can't describe the feeling.



Updates 19/09
The next day, The Mentor and I can't really decide where to go because there are a few places worth visiting since we have just another day before we leave to go to Torun, we decided to forgo our plan to drive to Zakopane and the Tatra Mountains. Instead we drove to the salt mines in Wieliczka and then to the largest Nazi concentration camp in Oswiecim, commonly known by its German name Auschwitz. I didn't even know that Auschwitz is very close to Krakow and that shows I didn't do my homework before going on holiday :)



The tour at the mines was really good and we were taken further than 130 feet underground. However, the guide at Auschwitz wasn't that impressive as she didn't speak up and kept repeating whatever was written on the pictures on the walls. Halfway through, we sneak out and left the group to wander on our own.



The Wedding

The next day, we left the city really early in the morning at 8am because we were told that it takes about 6 hours to get to Torun. Since the wedding is at 4 pm, we thought we would be there at 2 just in time to check in at the hotel and get change. The road condition is probably worst than Malaysia but with the EU money that Poland is getting, they will definitely improve in the next few years.

Along the way, we saw quite a lot of people selling wild mushrooms and homegrown vegetables on the side of the road. One common thing between Malaysians and Poles is that they drive and tailgate the front cars very closely and when they overtake I felt my blood rushes to my head. Dang scarry!

When we got to the hotel, it was already 10 to 3 and Marc was already waiting for us in the lobby. Quickly, I had shower and changed into my dress and was ready in 20 minutes. By the time we got to the church, the bride has just arrived and going into the waiting room.

This was my first Roman Catholic wedding, and it was quite interesting and overwhelming to be able to experience it. It's obviously different from the English wedding or other Christian weddings because of the Polish norms and culture. The bride and groom's parents were delighted that we were there and we got a very special treatment and attention from them.

Throughout the one-hour ceremony, I was lucky that Marc was there to translate everything that was said by the priest and the couples. I even had tears in my eyes, soppy me!



While exchanging the vows, you can see that the groom can only see her and no one else mattered. He looked so happy and smiling all the way. I have to say that both of them looked absolutely stunning and handsome. After they came out from the church, everyone was waiting to greet them and I had to carry the heaviest and probably the biggest present I ever given to anyone. It actually filled up half of my luggage!



Before we leave, everyone threw lotsa coins on the floor and the couple had to pick every single one of them, with the help of their nephews. It's in their culture and it signifies that they have to work hard at getting their dreams and every bit of money or wealth they have, they can't waste it.


The Reception

Almost all guests then proceeded to the reception at Rubbens Hotel in the outskirt of Torun. My jaws dropped when we were told that the party would go on until 4 am with lotsa food, dancing and, of course, vodka. There were 1 Brit from the office, his wife, The Mentor, me, Marc and the bride's neighbours at our table.

As soon as the food arrived, the groom's father came to our table and put 2 bottles of vodka. I dreaded the evening for I know that I would probably get stoned. All night long, we were made very welcomed with the family coming by to sit and talk to us. After the happy couples had their dance, some of the men kept asking The Mentor and I to dance.



There I was, thinking bloody hell! I know how to move around when I went clubbing but I never did any proper ballroom dancing and I have two left feet. It was mind blowing and as the night goes by, I just let my hair down and go with the flow even though my feet were hurting. Past midnight, I stopped counting the vodka shots and was going barefooted. Steve's wife took me out for fresh air and made me to drink plenty of water. Steve was even worst than I was and slightly after 2 am, she took him to the room.

When it was time for the bride to throw her veil and the groom to throw his tie to the singles, Marc and I rushed forward but unfortunately we were not lucky. I should have fight my way and grab the veil. Heh!



And true to their word, the Poles can hold their drinks really well because they work it out with plenty of food and dancing in between the drinking session. So now their secret is out!

By the time we got to the hotel, it was already pass 4 am. With the dancing and all, it's no wonder that I went to straight to sleep as soon as I hit the bed.


The Kwiatkowski

The next day, we were invited to another party held by the couple. Yes folks! There was another party at the same hotel. This time it was a bit casual and more relaxing than the night before. It was a time to get acquainted and learn about each other. However, as we had another invitation for dinner at Marc's , we went to the party, stayed just less than an hour and left for a little town north of Torun.

Whenever Marc called home, he would let me talk to his mum, and because of that she grew fond of me and I her. She and his father was very much thrilled that we were coming that they went to an extra mile to prepare Polish cuisine.



He told me that his family live in a small town of Grudziadz in a flat dated back to the communist era, all greyish and looking like a box. However, since coming out of that era and since joining the EU, their government is doing a lot to improve. It is not such a small town after all. Although it does look a bit greyish and rundown, but the view of Vistula River from his flat is fantastic. With that view, I wonder why he left anyway.

During our visit, the hospitality showed by them is out of this world. If you ever thought of going to Poland (or any other Eastern European countries), you should go now when everything is very cheap and unspoil. The Mentor and I had a really big lunch (trust me it was really good food) in the city centre of Torun right in the middle of the square with stunning views and we paid only £10 for the whole lot.



Torun is the birth place of a famous astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus and listed as one of the UNESCO World Heritage Sites and has many monuments from the Middle Ages and many Gothic buildings. The old city of Krakow has a rich architecture mostly Renaissance and also listed as World Heritage Site.

It was a very good break, and definitely one that I will remember forever. However, I have to be true and honest to myself. For some reason, I had a feeling that it is not a country that I will visit again. Saying that, never say never!

Can I? Can I? Please?

Currently, I have a few questions playing in my mind. Questions that do not really require an answer because it's more like me poking at an issue that is not an issue.

Is it just me or you feel it too?

Ok. So here's one issue that I have no business questioning. When you meet your friends or relatives, you give them a kiss (or tripple kisses) on the cheeks. What is the significant of that kisses? How many times do we have to errr... blow? Do we actually just pressing our cheeks and blow the kiss to the air?

I honestly feel that there's nothing to it. It feels like it is all false and pretending.

Personally, I didn't feel it does anything to me. I prefer the back slapping real bear hug to show that I really miss them and I appreciate them for whatever, ie for coming to meet me, or for just being there. It gives me a sense of belonging and closeness between two people. Hug like you really mean it.

I have been observing that when people become close, they take hugging for granted. We say goodnight to each other while we walk up the stairs or while we watch the telly. We didn't take time to stop doing what we were doing, look at the other person in the eyes, say what needed to be said and mean it.

We hardly ever show affection. I, myself admit that I have problem looking straight in the eyes, but that doesn't mean that I do not care. I am shy what. No. The real reason is that I do not want people to misunderstand the affection that I want to show for something else.

Heh. I am very affectionate babeh :)

Can I have a hug?

Don't blame me if I hate you. You asked for it!

After many years of happily separated from my own community, I thought that it would be a good idea to integrate and blend in with my own people. I do miss the occasional banter, the friendliest gestures and the familiarity of having the same root.

I thought I would miss out on a few things if I keep away. I thought that the people in this metropolis would be slightly different. I thought that they'd be more open. I thought wrong.

Tonight, I realised why I kept away from people like you. For a while there, I remember why I hate the melayu and the spoilt brats.

Go ahead. Bash me for hating my own race, but what good is my people to me if they keep mocking me and my job?

It would be wrong to say that I am comfortable with what I am doing now. I never felt this way before but after moving here, I felt like I'm up for unwelcome criticism and sneering. Maybe it is my fault for feeling this way, maybe it is just my feeling. And they will say, 'jangan pedulikan people like this', 'not all malays like this'... bla bla bla.... If that's what you're going to say, fuck off from my blog!

I am bloody angry, disappointed and hurt.

How could I not feel hurt? The first time it happened I kept quiet. I put it down to naivety. I could still laugh about it when they say my van is 'van perompak'. Tapi malam ni I cannot tahan. How could they? Cakap tak pakai otak ke? Mak bapak tak ajar anak ke? Kurang ajar punya budak! Cakap pun tak reti berlapis.

I thought I am strong and tough, and I kept saying to myself that I didn't give a damn about what people think of me. The truth is I am very sensitive and sometimes cepat merajuk. You can say what you like about me, but I had enough of people laughing at my friends who ride with me in my ice cream van. All I need is just a little respect. I tak malu drive my van and I am not ashamed of my job, but people like you makes me retreat into my shell. You are not worth my time. And I hate you and pity you for having that short fused otak!

For a while there, I remember why I was reluctant to hire the melayu to help me out when I was desperate. I prefer the Poles. I am going to be honest here. To those I helped, did I get as much as a thank you note from you? No, right? So, forget about asking for a part time job, for a favour or for anything else. Pergi mampus korang lah. I pun survived on my own. At least the Poles always appreciate what I've done for them.

I may not make as much money as you (get from fama). I don't hold fancy titles to my name. But I work my butt off to support myself. Ada I asked for your help? Ada I menyusahkan hidup korang? Nasi aku makan, korang bayar ke? Bila nak tumpang, nak ajak I jalan, sanggup pulak korang naik van perompak tu yek?

Bloody ungrateful bitch!

of past life and being manja

Ever since I become friend with The Black Widow, I enjoy late night chats and lepaks. Although I normally reserve my lepak time with just close friends, I have to admit that this time I quite like it even though we didn't know each other prior to this.

In my opinion, we are quite similar in some ways yet very different in many other ways. That's what make it all the more interesting. Being amicable, friendly and full of good-natured traits, we found ourselves fast becoming close friends.

For the second time since I come to the UK, I feel that there is someone genuine who share similarities and that there is someone who would listen to my rants and nonsense, other than the people who read my blog. This is a real person whom I can talk to without reservation, and someone who won't hesitate in telling me what is on her mind.

She let me be me, and doesn't judge what I did in my past life. I dunno, as a rule, I just don't like talking about me or my problems or my shortfalls or my worry. With our chatting sessions, I gradually open up more than I realised. She listened and commented here and there, but one thing she never did was criticising my behaviours. I never felt that she looks down at me or at what I do for a living or at my lack of agama or wealth. Amazing enough, she told me what she did is praying for me to change to become a better person than I am now.

I choked when I hear that. Here is a person who knows little about me and that I am not a good Muslim. The daily praying ritual is not the top priority in my to do lists. I drink when I feel like it. I'm ashamed to say I pretty much did everything that is forbidden that I might be the first to go to hell. I admit all that.

Yet, she makes me feel that there's still something out there for me to reach out. There's still God watching over me. Tonight, without shame, I asked about the qiblat. And I am grateful that she didn't point her finger at me or give that disapproving look. To learn that she has that much faith makes me dizzy in a good way.

Simultaneously, I enjoy listening to her tales of her children and I try to be someone she can confide in when she's in dilemma over the many issues she encounters. She, in her own way, is coping with her loss and heartache of being away from loved ones. I noticed that we both need this emotional bonding due to the fact that our best friends are so far away. We have no one else to turn to who could understand our sensitivity and emotional disability.

It's quite rare to find a person who share the same principles and understand the need to be one own self. We refuse to meddle into other people's businesses and in return all we ask is for the others not to pry into our precious lives.

I won't hesitate to give my heart if she asked for it because I think she feels the same. She needs someone to be there, yet leaves her be when she feels suffocated. Tonight, I listened to her ranting about the harrasment she gets from the men who lust after her and expect her to give back something in return for their attention or so called kindness that they bestowed upon her. I pity her when I hear about the emotional blackmail people used on her to get what they want.

On most days I look forward to having our late night session. I was used to being so independent and rely on myself that when I first met her I feel a little awkward letting her take charge, and vice versa. Little by little, we have established an understanding that one of us would be the stronger one and keep the other one in line whenever needed. She made an effort to learn about the things I like and dislike and that warms my heart. I never knew what it feels like to manja, but she let me manja with her whenever I feel like it and when she wants to manja with me, I let her. It's funny though, cause both of us are not the giggly, girly girl kinda person.

On the other hand, I think that this bond between us has make others slightly uneasy. I know sometimes this relationship, if I may call it a relationship, is viewed with suspicion or even envy. I know it's still at an early stage but I hope it is strong enough to withstand all obstacles. I am beginning to love this woman just like I love my best friends.

The weekends that were

• Notting Hill Carnival

• Isle of Wight

Ah, bosan aku dengan penat

Dalam masa kita melepasi hari-hari yang tidak pernah berhenti walau sesaat, aku seperti terpegun melihat kebanyakan anak-anak muda zaman sekarang yang tidak pandai membawa diri.

Masing-masing mengaku bahawa mereka adalah dari generasi moden dan semua adat sopan dan tatasusila adalah kolot dan ketinggalan zaman. Mereka lebih cepat melatah, tidak berfikiran panjang dan lebih kebaratan daripada orang barat sendiri.

Pada aku mereka semua tidak tahu menilai erti kebudayaan timur. Aku tahu walaupun aku ni tidak arif dan tidak mempraktikkan sangat nilai-nilai ketimuran, tapi aku masih sedar dari mana datangnya akar umbiku. Walaupun aku tinggal di negara yang kurang mengambil berat tentang adat, aku tidak mudah lupa sama sekali.

Aku masih lagi cuba menjaga hati dan menghormati orang. Takkan sekalipun aku kasari dengan bahasa kasar atau tindak tanduk yang boleh mengguris perasaan seseorang. Aku bukanlah seorang manusia yang sempurna tetapi aku tetap mahu mencuba.

Pada aku, sekiranya seseorang itu telah cuba memberitahu yang dia tidak mahu and tidak rela meminjamkan sesuatu kepada seseorang yang lain, maka orang itu tidak berhak mempertikaikan keputusan dia. Jangan pula di belakang nanti, diheboh-hebohkan cerita yang kurang enak didengar. It yang aku betul-betul tidak gemar tetapi itulah yang selalu terjadi.

Kita sebagai manusia, mesti juga harus cepat berfikir dan jangan mengharap bulan itu akan jatuh ke riba. Kalau boleh taik bintang pun jangan diharapkan sangat. Dalam hidup ini kita mesti berani. Kerana jika kita takut, bermakna kita tidak akan dapat meneruskan perjalanan kita dan kita akan terus hidup dalam keadaan yang sentiasa gusar. Apakah itu yang kita mahu?

Aku perhatikan dari sini seorang anak gadis yang dihantar mamanya untuk mendalami ilmu dunia, namun dia resah dan enggan membaiki hidupnya sendiri sebaliknya dia lebih suka berseronokan. Bila ditanya kenapa ilmu pengetahuan ditolak ke tepi katanya dia rindu mama dan kawan-kawan di sana. Dia telah gagal sebelum dia bermula. Sayang sekali, mama itu turuti sahaja kehendak dia. Mahu wang, nah sudah kumasukkan ke dalam akaunmu! Mahu kereta, nah sudah kubelikan Honda City yang baru lagi berkilat. Di mana salah mereka? Salahkah cara mereka menunjukkan kasih sayang?

Ah, bosan aku mendengar cerita yang sama. Anak itu salahkan ibunya. Aku pasti si ibu itu ada perasaan marah pada anaknya. Aku terasa semacam mahu ku pecahkan kepala anak gadis itu. Bangun dari tidurmu! Kau bukan lagi anak kecil. Sudah 24 tahun! Sudah bisa punya wang sendiri. Setidak-tidaknya kau sudah selesai dengan ilmu dunia yang pertama.

Anak yang manis, hidup ini masih panjang. Jangan terlalu mengharapkan pada orang tuanya. Mereka juga perlukan masa untuk kehidupan mereka sendiri setelah penat mereka besarkan kamu. Biarlah mereka merasa nikmat hidup and berbakti dengan cara yang lain pula sebelum mereka pergi. Di kala itu, di bahu siapa kamu mahu menangis?

Mungkin kamu semua merasakan bahawa aku tidak adil dalam membicarakan isu ini kerana aku sudah tidak punya orang tua. Mungkin benar juga fikiran kamu itu. Tetapi aku mahu kamu semua melihat isu ini dari pandangan aku pula. Dengan tiadanya bimbingan dari orang tuaku, aku seharusnya lebih hanyut dari jalan-jalan yang benar. Aku sepatutnya lebih rosak dan tidak menghiraukan adab dan budayaku. Siapa yang ada untuk menegurku ketika aku melalui saat kegelapan? Siapa yang peduli?

Tiada siapa yang menarik ku ke atas semula. Aku bangkit sendiri. Walaupun aku tidak dicurahkan dengan kekayaan harta benda tetapi aku masih terasa kasih yang ibu taburi. Aku masih teringat-ingat pesanan ibu supaya sentiasa berbudi. Sesungguhnya aku bersyukur walaupun aku tidak sebaik yang disangka, tetapi aku masih ingat bahawa aku ini anak ibuku yang sedang menanti ku di pintu syurga.


ps: Telah terlalu lama saya mengabaikan bahasa ibunda saya, jadi hari ini saya ingin mencuba. Kekok rasanya dan mungkin tidak sedap dibaca tetapi ini sahaja yang saya mampu ikhtiarkan.

of lust and kawin

It is quite funny to see an old man merajuk. It's even worse when he think that it's cute to merajuk with the woman he is wooing.

Wait a minute, wooing is not the correct word here. He doesn't know how to court a woman, nor does he know how to be smooth and subtle with his moves. He hasn't got a clue how to tambat hati the woman he lust after. It is indeed more about lust than love.

He is just one of the many Malay men who don't give enough attention and thoughts to the little things that matter to women.

Does he expect The Black Widow to fall for him by saying that he will buy her a house? There are some women out there who would jump at the offer, no doubt about it. But there are still women with enough dignity, yet men like The Pervert wouldn't care for it. Dignity? What dignity? Kawin dengan saya cukuplah. Habis cerita.

Dia ingat kawin ni cerita senang ke? Geli betul when I hear him likening the hair on her arms to her pubic hair. Is that what he calls wooing? Eeee... geli geli.

Marriage is not all about sex. It's about companionship, friendship, understanding and tolerance. Maybe that's why I haven't met my match who would be my companion, my friend, understands my needs and tolerate my nonsense.

Kalau nak kawin setakat nak halalkan sex but abaikan the other needs, I'd say forget about it. I'm sure the poor Black Widow can see beyond that, and I don't think that is all she wants in a marriage.

Is it any wonder why many of us lose faith in our own men and love to bash them?