Countdown

I felt like I aged so much the last few years. And in the blink of an eye, the year is changing again. I started writing a decade ago, and started the blog in Oct 2004, also almost a decade ago. Who in their right mind could have believed this?

The blog has helped tremendously, in terms of emotional and mental strength. I believe I grew wiser and have changed to become a better person.

In 2014, a new chapter will be created. I will live my life the way I see fit. It is time to make changes.

Feeling better...

Yup, I'm feeling good after writing that down yesterday. I may be able to go through life after all. Of course, I know this feeling maybe temporary but at least I think I may be back on track. I need to keep going because no one is going to do it for me. It's only myself and I.

of walking alone

The only thing worse than going through life is going through it alone. All on your own. I'm not having a lot of faith in my own decisions at the moment so I'm doing my worst. I can't seem to find what I want to do. Well, I know roughly what I want to do most of the time, but I just don't have the strength to pull myself together, especially when I know I have to do it alone.

I hate being alone. I abhor it. I detest it. I can't shake it off.

"If you're out there trying to find the woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you're going to fail".

Although I still believe in love, I am going to stop looking. Because love doesn't agree with me. Because I may be not lovable enough. Because this is a punishment for me. Because I am unlucky. Because I am hideous. Because I am a sad person. Because.

As It Is

It seems that I may have quite a few things in my head these last few months. Heck! Last couple of years is more like it!

Every night I lay on bed thinking I should continue writing my thoughts just so I can heal. I may have lost all of the angst I bottled up during my teens and young adult life. But, I guess I may have accumulated a few new ones that have been bothering me ever since I hooked up with another married woman. Damn! I am a glutton for punishment, aren't I?

The chapter with this one has officially ended and I should just leave her be. But something always brings me back to her. We maintained the friendship and I was brought into her world again and again. Trust me, if I had a choice I would have stopped a long time ago. So I guess I do what most people might have done, and I listen and look out for her because I know she needs a friend.

I have passed that stage where I wanted her back. I have gone through the stage where I was mad at her. I have skipped that part where I was attracted to her. But what's left is just a feeling of pity. For her to live her life where she has to be the strong one, for her to be ridiculed, spat on, and emotionally abused. I hate seeing her being implied she's not good enough up to a point where she actually believed it herself.

I wish she could just be herself. She's like a flower trapped in a deserted garden. I wish I could water her so she could grow to be the beautiful flower that she is. I wish I could help her find her way. I wish she could just be strong enough to get out of the garden. But my wishes are just useless wishes when she herself stops believing.

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.


I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.