Countdown

I felt like I aged so much the last few years. And in the blink of an eye, the year is changing again. I started writing a decade ago, and started the blog in Oct 2004, also almost a decade ago. Who in their right mind could have believed this?

The blog has helped tremendously, in terms of emotional and mental strength. I believe I grew wiser and have changed to become a better person.

In 2014, a new chapter will be created. I will live my life the way I see fit. It is time to make changes.

Feeling better...

Yup, I'm feeling good after writing that down yesterday. I may be able to go through life after all. Of course, I know this feeling maybe temporary but at least I think I may be back on track. I need to keep going because no one is going to do it for me. It's only myself and I.

of walking alone

The only thing worse than going through life is going through it alone. All on your own. I'm not having a lot of faith in my own decisions at the moment so I'm doing my worst. I can't seem to find what I want to do. Well, I know roughly what I want to do most of the time, but I just don't have the strength to pull myself together, especially when I know I have to do it alone.

I hate being alone. I abhor it. I detest it. I can't shake it off.

"If you're out there trying to find the woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you're going to fail".

Although I still believe in love, I am going to stop looking. Because love doesn't agree with me. Because I may be not lovable enough. Because this is a punishment for me. Because I am unlucky. Because I am hideous. Because I am a sad person. Because.

As It Is

It seems that I may have quite a few things in my head these last few months. Heck! Last couple of years is more like it!

Every night I lay on bed thinking I should continue writing my thoughts just so I can heal. I may have lost all of the angst I bottled up during my teens and young adult life. But, I guess I may have accumulated a few new ones that have been bothering me ever since I hooked up with another married woman. Damn! I am a glutton for punishment, aren't I?

The chapter with this one has officially ended and I should just leave her be. But something always brings me back to her. We maintained the friendship and I was brought into her world again and again. Trust me, if I had a choice I would have stopped a long time ago. So I guess I do what most people might have done, and I listen and look out for her because I know she needs a friend.

I have passed that stage where I wanted her back. I have gone through the stage where I was mad at her. I have skipped that part where I was attracted to her. But what's left is just a feeling of pity. For her to live her life where she has to be the strong one, for her to be ridiculed, spat on, and emotionally abused. I hate seeing her being implied she's not good enough up to a point where she actually believed it herself.

I wish she could just be herself. She's like a flower trapped in a deserted garden. I wish I could water her so she could grow to be the beautiful flower that she is. I wish I could help her find her way. I wish she could just be strong enough to get out of the garden. But my wishes are just useless wishes when she herself stops believing.

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.


I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

What's the deal?

I have been confused for the last few days.

There was this woman whom I adored and loved in the last couple of years, and I believed I have not fully gotten over her yet. We were in some sort of a relationship for some times until she felt too much pressure and told me she wanted out. To make things more complicated, I see and work with her almost every day of my life.

It was hard, as always, to get back to the old life and carry on as if nothing had happened between us. She said she loves me as a friend and enjoys spending time with me. I was fun, that's what she said.
We had a deal that we would be together until one of us decided to quit.

I knew that somehow this is the life I am destined for. I needed to move forward and stop thinking of her as my beloved. I had to force myself to stop calling her with endearments everytime I speak to her. It was damn hard! I slipped once in a while, I can't help it but I believed I was making a very good progress for the last few months.

I told myself I can only do this if I put a distance between us, and lessen the time we spend together. And that's what I did. It really helped when I was told I had to go abroad for a week. It was great! It will help me heal. When I was away, I didn't call nor do I text her for the first two days. Only on the third day, I texted her. 

The following day, after work, she made a video call and we talked for a few minutes. And the same thing again on the fifth day she video-called me. I thought nothing of these two incidents because it was normal for her to call.

It's been a week since I've been back. The day before yesterday, she asked if she could come to my place and hang out. I was buffled for a while because she hasn't come to my place since last Jan. I told her to come anyway, and yesterday she asked if I could cook something for her. She knows  I like to cook so I told her yes I would cook for her.

She came around 3 and we had late lunch at my apartment. We were supposed to go out for an appointment at 5:30 so I thought nothing of that too. Somehow, things got a bit intimate between us and the rest is history.

Now I am confused. What am I to her?

2 years ago she told me she loved me. We had to be discreet because she has other commitment in life. Then, last year she told me there's nothing more between us. And now this? She was very firm and adamant when she broke my heart, but what happened yesterday was a complete reversal. She initiated it and pursued it.

I laid down at night, alone, and thought what's the deal?

To write or not to write?

Wow... It has been almost 3 long years since the previous entry. I didn't know I can last that long. Someone told me that I should keep the blog just in case I feel the need to write again, and I am quite pleased that I followed the advice.

Sometimes I felt that there were so much things in my head and I wanted to write the bits and pieces, but things never materialised due to time constraints. When a person go through rough patches, then the miseries and troubled thoughts needed an outlet. It has been proven, to me anyway, that this blog has helped during those times.

Here's a fact. I write when I am miserable. Then hope to heal.