of being scared

Last night before I went to sleep, I asked a friend about dreams and nightmare. A very bad mistake! I shouldn't have asked.

I had not one but 3 nightmares.

One, as I remember vaguely, I was looking at a car crash in the making in slow motion. Two women suddenly crashed into a wall and blood was all over the place. The car was beyond repair and one woman came out with one eye popped out.

Two, there was a girl in a red car. The rear door was opened and I can see her struggling on the back seat, fighting off an evil plant that was trying to kill her.

Three, this is the scariest because it seemed real. A figure in black hooded cloak walked into the room through the back door and was walking toward me. I saw it and I wanted to ask for help but I was unable to scream. It was like my lips are sealed. I think I was really trashing in my sleep that I might have disturbed the whole neighborhood. When I finally woke up, I went to shut that door straight away.

Damn door! If it's shut then I will feel like I'm in a desert in Afrika, and now I can't have it open because I am scared that some stranger may actually walk in during the night.

I won't be able to sleep either way now. But that would probably make someone happy because I won't be throwing my arms and legs all over the bed and disturb her sleep.

I have never been scared like this before. I had dreams where I cried in my sleep but not this. I'm awake but I'm just too scared to go back to sleep.

Bloody hell! I die a thousand death la. A cat just walked pass the window and scared the hell out of me. Mmmm... I just can't win, can I? Even a cat can scare me now. Eh, I ain't got 9 lives ya know. Aiyaa.. I think I'd just go back under the duvet and try to close my eyes again.

a promise to myself

As I was sitting in the tube last night, suddenly there was a rush of feelings running havoc inside of me. I've been busy maintaining dignity and being peaceful, it's tempting to think that I'm detached and there's no place for big feelings.

Well, it doesn't work that way. I know it's ok to feel angry when someone really hacks me off. It's ok to feel huge sadness and grief when I lose a loved one. And it's ok to feel tremendous joy. Sitting on my feelings isn't a good idea. They just get squashed that way.

Sometimes I grieve silently when people talked about their parents. Just listening to them talking about summer holidays and spending time with their families makes me envy them. Technically, I am an orphan, but after so many years of trying to maintain dignity and appearance by not showing that I am weak or out of control, I know it didn't do me any good, even though I was trying to get over the difficult times.

I brought these feelings with me but I just have to learn to walk away. I know we all hate to fail, hate to give up, hate to give in. Sometimes things are simply not going to happen the way we want and when shit happens, we have to learn to shrug and walk away with our pride intact.

In recent times, there were moments when I feel that I want to get even but being slightly older and wiser, it's just a total waste of time. Yeah, I do think that I am a little wiser now and I would walk away from such stupid feeling.

There is no one else. No matter how much I want to remain as a child (sometimes I act like one too), I am all grown-up and I'm on my own now. That's a fact. It does sound scary and believe me it is terrifying because whether I like it or not, all I got is myself. But I'm not going to let the situation controls me. I choose how to make my bed with every action and every decision.

It's like an instant karma. It is my bed and I am going to lie in it. Everything I do will dictate whether my life is going to run happily or badly. And whatever I do and how I do it will come back to me in spades.

However rushed and fraught I am, I'm making a promise to myself that I should always make the effort to do the right thing and remember good manners. At least I want to try because they cost nothing and yet can generate goodwill and make everyone's life (including mine) much better and pleasant. A simple thank you, a little politeness and being hospitable go a long long way.

We all lead increasingly busy, frantic lives. We all get caught up in chaotic lives to such extent that we lose sight of where we were going and what we were going to achieve. It's time to take a little break, look back, touch base and move on.

A man with an impressive name, Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi said, 'The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles.'

I can vouch that what he said is true. Now it's my turn to listen.

kwik fit

These last few days, I sakit pinggang. If at KL, sure I zoom to zen soul for their heavenly massage. Oh how I miss the city and the good people. Sigh.

Semalam my friend came back happy. She met Colin Firth. Gila best! She even served him. Waahhhhhhh... Why I tak jumpa famous people this year ek? Bad luck ke apa..

bodoh..

Americans are Idiot! Ade ke patut they voted Mandisa out...

tak puas hati siot! this can't be right. telinga they all tersumbat ke apa? Cissss..

of mirror image

It's very tiring driving around the country in the heat. Yes, it's getting very warm in the last few days. In fact, just being in the flat makes me feel like I am in Africa. It doesn't help that the rest of the occupants actually like the warmth. I would love to sleep in the nude, but since it's not possible, I resort to opening the door at night.

On Tuesday, I was in Whitby Abbey near Scarborough and spent the night in Peterlee. The next day, I was sent running around in Yorkshire meeting a few people. I was about to drive to Nottingham when I got a call from The Mentor telling me to go home because the office has messed up thing.

Ah well. I was quite happy to go home.

Yesterday, I met The Mentor at the office, discussing about our events for this season. Starting from next weekend until the end of August, I will be working almost every weekend. It's too bad that even on my birthday I have to work. Sigh.

Last night, after I left the office, she rang me and asked to stop at services for dinner with her. It has been awhile since I last had a long chat so I agreed to it. I kinda miss talking to her. She can really boost my spirit. Not many people can have a good relationship with their boss, but to me, she is also a friend.

Sometimes I think that she is the older version of me. She led a double lives, trying to fit herself in two worlds. But on the other hand, she doesn't give a damn about what people think, and she believes that one should have the freedom to do as what one pleases. That's what I like about her and I guess that's why we bonded.

It's quite spooky knowing people who actually echo my path. I have spoken to her about what she's been through and there were times I felt like we were of mirror image in terms of our experience, except she didn't have the freedom that I have. And it's even spookier (ada ke word ni) when I see someone younger trailling behind, taking almost the same path that I took.

Many a times I thought about the life and the people back home. Somehow, it's affecting the choices I have, making life more confusing. Will I be able to fit into the life I think I want to have?

Mary J. Blige, in an interview at Radio 1, said 'Life is not about holding yourself in a storm, but running around in the rain'.

choc

Does melted chocolate rasanya sama macam unmelted ones? Or does it taste bbetter?

of super duper and food

She has been in the limelight for quite some time. Fighting for her own cause, defending her beloved. I guess behind a fallen man, stood a woman.

I have never been interested in politics, unlike my parents who were pro gomen. Even my sister, at one point, was a ketua wanita before she became a rebel. No sire, not me. I know how to fight and I know how to work hard, but I dunno how to kiss arse. So, there goes my political career down the drain.

When one man came to town for an annual lecture, I figured I'd just go to hear what he has to say. Who knows whether he actually changed? The hard years he spent in the prison was actually showing on his face. Old age is catching up quite fast. He looks tired, and lack sparks. While he was on stage, I, on the other hand, started to stare blankly into the space. And just like me, some people began daydreaming and ogling one cute guy (one reason to stay put) :)

The only thing that pulled me back to reality was the news that his wife is my super super duper senior at SNC. Oh wow! I didn't know that. Where have I been all this time when she started her political career?

I made a promise there and then, one way or the other, I will introduce myself or get someone to introduce me as her junior. Hey, no harms what. I am no one's crony. Once that was done and out of the way, it was time for feasting.
Give me just about anything and I would clean up the plates. So, we all headed down to the ever faithful old dutch for pancakes again. I especially recommend the creamy spinach & cheese, banana with choc sauce & ice cream, and err... all lah! abis citer.

---

It's like having fresh pair of eyes and adding new adventures to a boring routine. Imagine after all these years of not having a melayu speaking friend in London, I was suddenly being bombarded with a few. Not entirely bad though. It feels like home a little.

I admit that I have been avoiding any kind of interaction because, if you really want to know, melayus here are sombong. Ok, maybe not all and they are prolly not sombong, it's just that they won't tegur you or they act as if they are not interested to know you. The ones I met the first year I was here and in Manchester confirmed my 'accusation' and strengthen my principle to avoid these people. They are so much different from the friendly malaysians in the States.

This last few weeks, however, I speak melayu everyday and makan at mawar twice a week. Ahakss... old age is catching up on me too! But one fact remains true, you won't see me mingling with snobs or smile to that rude waitress. Get a life, kiddo!

Oh! I suddenly remember that my roommate said I am not a kampong girl. Aiyaa... I seriously can't remember what we were talking about but I would like to stress that I am still one. Betul, tak tipu lah.

I don't think that just because I live here, all that will change. And the fact that I started to feel a deep love for London doesn't change that either. On the contrary, the longing for everything malaysian is getting bigger than ever.