Somewhere in Between

of bogus degree

2010-11-10T15:27:00.003Z

Right, this is the hottest piece of news since early today. It seems that the University of Wales has suspended its involvement with Fazley International College since they found that its Executive Director, 'Dr.' Fazley Yaakob has bogus qualifications. He claims his masters and doctorate qualifications are from European Business School (Cambridge), an offshoot of the Irish International University, which was exposed as a sham by the BBC in 2008.

Wow! I knew it when he declared to the local media he obtained a doctorate some time ago that something wasn't quite right. I questioned it, but at that time my sister said it was rather possible to fast track and get a doctorate and his was only Doctor of Business Administration. I guess my sister knows better, she's a Dr. herself, albeit a real one unlike Fazley. The reason I questioned it was because to me it seems like he didn't spend enough time on thesis and research. He was an artist, too, so where did he find the time?

To earn a PhD, one has to go through a gruesome, mind-boggling, excruciating and time-consuming periods of their life. Some made it in 4 years if they are lucky and intelligent enough, but some have to juggle families and other commitments before they earned the title. And how do I know this, you asked? I've seen my sister went through it. Between research, husband and kids she was exhausted. It was the longest 4 and half years of her life but at the end of it, she deserved every single benefit and title that comes with it.

Guess what? There's more to this drama. In 2004, when he claimed he graduated from IIU the local media published photos of his graduation day. One of the photos showed Fazley with the Mayor of London and a few others. To my knowledge, and believe me I should know this since I was a Londoner during that time, Mayor of London was Ken Livingstone and dear Ken does not look like the 'Mayor' in Fazley's photo! Another bogus one, eh? See for yourself, google Ken or read in wikipedia. He was Mayor of London for 2 terms from 2000 to 2008.

Fazley is, afterall, an entrepreneur and a businessman. He does not need to have a PhD to run his college, unless he was one of the teaching force behind it, which he wasn't. What annoys me is the lies that have been told to gullible people. He built an image of himself as a motivator and model to the young generation in Malaysia especially to the Malays. Some even paid good money to hear him talk at one of the motivational bootcamps or whatever it is that he calls them. Knowing all of these, he still shamelessly use his bogus title for personal and financial benefits, and in doing such has disgrace the nation and the rest of the PhD holders who sweat blood and tears for their hard earned title.

Some are saying that BBC is out to get him and to tarnish his good name as up and coming Malay entrepreneur. How come everything here always comes down to a matter of race? Well, to me, he brought it onto himself, and the BBC coincidently stumbled upon his piece when they went looking for the University of Wales news. Unlucky for him it was his secrets they uncovered but in the end, the truth always prevails.

promises, we break them; and memories, they break us

2010-11-09T19:33:00.001Z

I thought I was doing better in getting over her. In a way I guess I am a lot better than early this year, but I can’t just bury the feeling and be totally numb, can I?

Last night I came back from meeting a friend and I felt sad and melancholic. It was as if the progress I made at trying to forget that she was ever in my life was halted. It felt like it was only yesterday everything happened and that my world collapsed.

My friend told me of his current love life with some women, and I found that he was in exactly the same situation I was with The One Who Thinks I Was Better Off With A Single Woman. Phew!(TOWTIWBOWASW). I told him that he should be prepared with the obstacles that will come his way and that he knows what to expect from them. I also admitted to him that even though my relationship with TOWTIWBOWASW was the most complicated one, I had such good memories of us together and I loved her with everything that I have.

And it didn’t help that today I decided to give her a call because believe it or not I needed to talk to her. She was my friend first and foremost, then lover and now an ex. I always stand by my word that I couldn’t stay friends with exes but she insisted that she wants to continue our friendship. Who am I to say no to her? Even though it hurts I could never deny her anything. She is my best friend and soul mate, and I knew that I can’t live without her.

So, here I was trying to be indifference to her and continued talking as if we didn’t have a bad break up. She knew what she had done to me and admitted that she feels bad and punishes herself for hurting me. Ah well, what can one say to that? Water under the bridge. And at the end of the day, she is now happy and has gone and got herself a new girlfriend. I want to be above all of that and I am tired of being angry with myself and with her. What’s left of me? Nothing, I guess. They’re all gone.

The sad thing is that I pretended to be cool and cheerful and not affected by her actions. Yet, deep down I am still hurting. I didn’t want to cry but it was a helpless situation. Alone on my bed and accompanied by silence and darkness, my tears started falling on my cheeks after I put the phone down. I thought about her and about the memories I had with her. And I thought oh how cruel life and love have treated me. Nevertheless, when the time comes I know I will forgive her.

Lesbos vs Lesbian

2010-10-29T19:13:00.002+01:00

You know when I first heard that some islanders from Lesbos, an island in Greece, filed a lawsuit against an LGBT group to prevent them from using the term "lesbian", I find it quite funny. Not funny ha ha, but weird kinda funny. Some people just take things too seriously. Chill out mate!

I guess the Greek court was on the same wavelength as I did, eh. They dismissed the lawsuit accusing an LGBT rights group of demeaning the people of the Aegean island of Lesbos by purloining the word Lesbian, a term islanders have used to name themselves for centuries.

You see, they don't have to waste time going to the court. I could have told them they don't stand a chance. The word has been used and adopted into the dictionary worldwide. It's just common sense that the islanders did not have sole claim to the name. Nevertheless, they insist that they may appeal to the European Court. Whatever!

It's a well known fact that Lesbos was the home of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised love between women and often wrote passionate love poems to women. The island is a popular holiday destination for gay women. It's true! Just ask a few of my friends who loved going there in the summer. Ah! Bliss, they say.

Sappho lived from the late 7th to the early 6th century B.C. and is considered one of the greatest poets of antiquity. Very little is known of her life. According to some ancient accounts, she was an aristocrat who married a rich merchant and had a daughter with him. One tradition says that she killed herself by jumping off a cliff over an unhappy love affair.

Dimitris Lambrou one of the litigants in the case said Sappho was not gay. “But even if we assume she was, how can 250,000 people of Lesbian descent – including women – be considered homosexual?”

Tsk tsk... I didn't realise that Lesbians (I mean the people of Lesbos) are lacking intelligence. A lot, and I mean A LOT, of ancient lesbians were married and had children and still managed to have same sex relationship. It's something that is widely practised even today. Ever heard of closeted lesbians? Or double lives?

Lambrou also denied the suit was homophobic. “The word lesbian has been associated with gay women for the past few decades but we have been Lesbians for thousands of years,” he said.

Hahaha... now, that is funny!

the third sex

2010-10-29T18:13:00.004+01:00

"Lesbian" derives from the name of the island of Lesbos which was famous for the poetess Sappho, who wrote love poetry to female lovers. Not much of Sappho's poetry remains, but that which does reflects the topics she wrote about: women's daily lives, their relationships, and rituals. She focused on the beauty of women and proclaimed her love for girls. Before the late 19th century, the word lesbian referred to any derivative or aspect of Lesbos, including a type of wine.

Lesbians in western cultures in particular often classify themselves as having an identity that defines their individual sexuality, as well as their membership to a group that shares common traits. Some women who engage in homosexual behavior may reject the lesbian identity entirely, refusing to identify themselves as lesbian or biseuxual.

For some women, the realization that they participated in behavior or relationships that could be categorized as lesbian caused them to deny or conceal it. Other women, however, embraced the distinction and used their uniqueness to set themselves apart from heterosexual women and gay men.

The varied meanings of lesbian since the early 20th century has prompted some historians to revisit historic relationships between women before the wide usage of the word was defined by erotic proclivities. Discussion from historians caused further questioning of what qualifies as a lesbian relationship.

Female homosexuality has not received the same negative response from religious or criminal authorities as male homosexuality or adultery has throughout history. Whereas sodomy between men, men and women, and men and animals was punishable by death in Britain, acknowledgment of sexual contact between women was nonexistent in medical and legal texts. The earliest law against female homosexuality appeared in France in 1270

During the 17th through 19th centuries, a woman expressing passionate love for another woman was fashionable, accepted, and encouraged. These relationships were termed romantic friendships, Boston marriages, or "sentimental friends", and were common in the U.S., Europe, and especially in England.

Documentation of these relationships is possible by a large volume of letters written between women. Whether the relationship included any genital component was not a matter for public discourse, but women could form strong and exclusive bonds with each other and still be considered virtuous, innocent, and chaste; a similar relationship with a man would have destroyed a woman's reputation. In fact, these relationships were promoted as alternatives to and practice for a woman's marriage to a man.

One such relationship was between Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, who wrote to Anne Wortley in 1709: "Nobody was so entirely, so faithfully yours ... I put in your lovers, for I don't allow it possible for a man to be so sincere as I am."

Similarly, English poet Anna Seward had a devoted friendship to Honora Sneyd, who was the subject of many of Seward's sonnets and poems. When Sneyd married despite Seward's protest, Seward's poems became angry. However, Seward continued to write about Sneyd long after her death, extolling Sneyd's beauty and their affection and friendship.

Perhaps the most famous of these romantic friendships was between Eleanor Butler and Sarah Ponsonby, nicknamed the Ladies of Llangollen. Butler and Ponsonby eloped in 1778, to the relief of Ponsonby's family (concerned about their reputation had she run away with a man) to live together in Wales for 51 years and be thought of as eccentrics. Their story was considered "the epitome of virtuous romantic friendship" .

Romantic friendships were also popular in the U.S. Enigmatic poet Emily Dickinson wrote over 300 letters and poems to Susan Gilbert, who later became her sister-in-law, and engaged in another romantic correspondence with Kate Scott Anthon. Anthon broke off their relationship the same month Dickinson entered self-imposed lifelong seclusion.

Nearby in Hartford, Connecticut, African American freeborn women Addie Brown and Rebecca Primus left evidence of their passion in letters: "No kisses is like yours". In Georgia, Alice Baldy wrote to Josie Varner in 1870, "Do you know that if you touch me, or speak to me there is not a nerve of fibre in my body that does not respond with a thrill of delight?"

Around the turn of the 20th century the development of higher education provided opportunities for women. In all-female surroundings, a culture of romantic pursuit was fostered in women's colleges. Older students mentored younger ones, called on them socially, took them to all-women dances, and sent them flowers, cards, and poems that declared their undying love for each other.

Women who had the option of a career instead of marriage labeled themselves New Women, and took their new opportunities very seriously. This period was labelld as "the last breath of innocence" before 1920 when characterizations of female affection were connected to sexuality, marking lesbians as a unique and often unflattering group.

** Excerpts from Wikipedia

femme vs butch

2010-10-28T10:27:00.001+01:00

% of each type in general population

SOFT ANDROGYNE

2010-10-28T10:16:00.000+01:00

Your score placed you in the category of Soft Androgyne. This is the "steel magnolia" type. You may also wish to review Strong Femme and Androgyne, the two categories surrounding you. In a ranking across the femme/butch gamut, if 1 is femme and 100 is butch, you fall between 41 and 47 on the scale. For a review of where you fall in the overall population in numbers, refer to this chart. Your group is a large part of the 35-45 age group for the most part and has a wide mix of genders and orientations.

*mmmm... some of them are true but others are touch and go.

--------------------------------------------

For most of your life and social interaction, you don't really see yourself as either butch or femme, but if pressed into a corner, you react more femme than butch. You prefer to seek aid rather than solve your problems on your own, and prefer to give aid rather than to encourage someone to stand on their own feet. You're fairly well balanced over all, with the occasional weakness you haven't quite yet conquered.

Education is important to you, as you see knowledge as a key to independence and freedom, and you tend to have a higher educational level than your peers, either formally or by self-teaching. You read a lot, and a varied assortment of genres, enjoying cartoons as much as heavy psych drama. Biography, however, bores you. You like historical anecdotes but are not very good at memorizing dates, having a more general sense of time.

Your home is a roof for you and not a showplace. Order is optional. You cook if you have to and are efficient at it but really don't like to bother. You prefer to be fed. You like small dogs or big cats and the occasional hamster.

You enjoy a fairly strong butch for a partner, along the lines of a Feminist or Classic Butch, and take on other Androgynes as friends. Family is not terribly important to you, and odds are good you came from a home where that was not the primary issue. You may have a good, but distant relation with your family, or may not be in touch at all, but it's pretty certain you don't live with them unless you have to, or in the same city.

of lost love

2010-10-27T12:55:00.001+01:00

I want to understand how it is you can say you love someone so much and then walk right out of her life?

I want you to know that there hasn’t been a moment that you weren’t on her mind.

I want to know why you left her?

Her chest tighten from hurting so much and her eyes red from crying for you. Was it too late to fix it?

You would always have her heart. You're the other half of her soul.

How could you?

not new but kinda new

2010-10-14T20:22:00.003+01:00

I know I can run yet I can't hide forever. These were my random thoughts and feelings of my alter-ego that was kept away.

I love reading fan-fictions and hurt/comfort themes so here are my versions. Am I pathetic? A freak? Fucked up? Well, maybe.

These are the things that makes me me. Geddit?

taste of fire and hell

2010-10-14T19:30:00.001+01:00

I died and thought I’ve gone to Heaven. Alas, I had a taste of Hell and now I am alive, once again. What curse bequeathed to me for I shall be burnt whilst I breathe?

from a daughter to parents

2010-08-27T15:19:00.001+01:00

When I was growing up, I never heard about gays and lesbians. My parents were clueless too, I think. I always felt different. I knew from an early age that I would never marry a man.

During primary school, at my young age, I developed crushes on many of the girls. I thought nothing of them. It wasn't until college when I finally learned what "gay" was. You may think that I grew up in some long ago decade, but surprisingly, I grew up in the late 1980s and 1990s. I was in the dark. I didn't accept myself until I was in my 30s, but by then a lot of damages have been done to the state of my mind.

My parents, however, have both long gone when I finally acknowledged myself so in a way I consider myself lucky. But there are too many youth and young women out there who are not so lucky.

I learned the harsh truth that love is not unconditional, there's always a "but" at the end of a sentence. Parents may claim to love us, but they love the person they think we were and the person they hope we will be.

silenced screams

2010-08-14T23:01:00.002+01:00

A look from you is as blinding as the sun,
As stunning as your eyes I lose myself in.
A look from you is as pure as the clear blue sky,
As isolating and binding as the ties I'm in,
When I'm with you.

Every minute I'm not around you,
I feel like I left something behind.
Every time I'm not looking at you,
I feel like I am blind.

A smile from you is as electrifying as the moon,
As beautiful as the moonlight that shimmers off your skin.
A smile from you is as calming as the stars in the sky,
As cruelly wonderful as the world I'm in,
When I'm with you.

For you are the star in my life
An angel in the sky
What do I have to sacrifice?
For you, I would die.

I've tried, but I can't fly
No use, just hurting me more
You're my angel in the sky
Here I am, tied to the floor.

You leave me here, standing in the rain
You leave me here, staring at the sky
You leave me here, in darkness and pain
You leave me here, all alone to die.

I'm soaked in blood of shattered dreams
I'm drenched in tears of silenced screams
Looking at the stars in the sky
They're like scars, making me cry.

For you are the star in my life
You fell from the sky
What do I have to sacrifice?
For you, I die.

dearest

2010-08-04T22:27:00.001+01:00

I sincerely hope that you are well and truly happy. I know you are such a vibrant, caring and positive person who loves your life. However I cannot say the same for myself.

I don’t know who I was anymore. You told me that you want me to find someone single and be happy. I don't have the yearning to find that person. You tell me now, what is the point of all that when I lost my anchor? I lost direction when you told me you don’t want me anymore. But still, I kept searching for your astonishingly beautiful eyes, your soft hands and your soothing voice so that you can guide me back to where I belong and get back all that I have lost. I still want the same.

You know me better than I know myself, so how can one let one’s soul mate getting lost without direction? I don’t know what happiness is anymore. I don’t laugh, I don’t joke and I don’t enjoy life like I did with you. You took away everything with you when you left me broken. I miss you terribly. I never stopped thinking about you every day, but knowing that you don’t want me and that you have someone new hurt even more. It was as if it just happened yesterday.

I still have the same intensity of feelings when I looked at you. You are the most attractive woman and surprisingly my body started shaking when I look at your photo. Silly me, I thought time will help. It might have helped you but it didn’t do one bit for me. I know. You don’t want to hear all these.

I was angry at you for giving up on me, for giving up on us. You’re my rock and you’re supposed to believe in me. But deep down I know it’s not your fault. I had all I ever wanted but things were against me. Not a single day has passed without me blaming myself for my own stupidity. On contrary to what you think, I don't have the desire to bring you down or ruin your life. I would rather bleed for you than see you go through it.

So, you told me you're in love. I am happy for you. No, I lie. I am miserable and I don't think it's fair that I suffer. But then again, you know that I will always do everything for you. Well, remember the phrase 'no problem'? I can only hope she appreciates you more than I do.

I guess I will continue my journey alone. I hope that I will never experience heartbreak ever again because I don't think I'll survive next time. At least I have myself and that's for forever. Now all I want is to find solace so that I can carry on living.

ironic

2010-08-02T22:52:00.006+01:00

No more laughter. No more smiles. Since you left me.

Soul mates aren't we, but you casted me aside? And now you have another. Ironic isn't it?

In the beginning you kept saying that one day I would be the first to leave. Ironic, again, eh?

Help me God. I don't want to hurt anymore. I am tired. I wish I can tell my heart to stop feeling, but I can't. I can only continue living, hidden behind empty smiles.

I know you're happy, and I'm happy for you. I wish you no harms. I would rather bleed than hurt you. So, the knife twisted deeper.

the arms of sorrow

2010-07-30T22:23:00.000+01:00

Imprisoned
Inside this mind
Hiding behind the empty smiles
So simple (the anguish)
As it mocks me
Crawling back into the dark
Running, always running into the distance
Stop me before I bleed, again
The echoes on my voice follow me down
The shadows I cast, follow me down

Deeper I am falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

There must be serenity
The echoes of my voice
Follow me down
The shadows I cast
Follow me down

Deeper I am falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

The demons of my own demise
This horror must not remain

Deeper I am falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow
There must be serenity
I will live this life!

W.Shakespeare

infinite sadness

2010-06-25T22:10:00.016+01:00

I die on the day I was born.

My heart breaks in tiny million pieces. It never stopped. My shattered life and my broken dreams. I don't know who I am anymore.

Forever. Soulmate. Hah! Not mine. Everyone leaves. Let me be. So leave! Forget about me. Who fucking care? Not him, not her and definitely not you!

Kick me while I'm down, why don't you? Go on, be happy!

if

2010-04-08T22:08:00.000+01:00

if lips are made for kissing,
why can't I kiss you?
If arms are made for holding,
why can't I hold you?
If voice are made for talking,
why can't I say my feelings?
If ears are made for listening,
why can't you listen to my heart?

crash and burn

2010-02-06T23:06:00.000Z

I never thought that one day my heart would go through it again. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. You gave me heart and took me higher, then you crashed me and left me wounded.

How can I still love you? How can I never be mad at you? How can I still want you?

Please, please God save me.

go away

2010-01-06T22:03:00.001Z

The pain is so great that I have no words for it. Days and nights I just wish for it to go.

I am not worth anything.

Pain. Just go away and leave me alone

defeated

2009-12-09T18:56:00.002Z

The day I stop crying is the day that I don't have any emotions left. I am broken. I am alone.

All I want now was my mother. I want to cry in her arms, and for her to tell me things will be alright. God, please help me. I can't go on. How can you be cruel sending me away? I am in pain, mum.

don't let go of me

2009-12-07T21:53:00.000Z

It's too late. That's what you said. There's no more chances for me. And I have to watch you go away while I'm fighting for my life.

lost

2009-12-05T16:50:00.001Z

I have my days off during the week. Usually I would spend the whole day with you. These days I felt that you are so distant. You said that you would come to me but you didn't.

I felt like I'm losing you day by day. When I need you the most you're not there anymore. You're supposed to be my rock and my mentor. You're the person I looked up to. You're my inspiration, my best friend and my everything.

Without you I'm lost.

of pain

2009-11-23T19:45:00.000Z

Sayang

I don't know why you subjected me to this pain. You haven't replied to my messages. You didn't answer my calls and you didn't reply to my emails. You have been ignoring me for the last few weeks.

I don't understand.

You said you love me. You said you can't live without me. You said you're forever mine. Then you told me it's over.

I am hurting now baby.

no words can describe what I feel

2009-11-22T21:30:00.000Z

How can my heart breaks over and over? Why do this pain hurts so much?

So she's been kissed. By someone who knows that she already has me. Why? Do you feel trapped being with me? Do you want out? Do you not want to honour your love? Do you not want to be with me? Didn't you claim that I was your soulmate? Didn't you listen to all those things I confided in you? Didn't you say you can't live without me?

What am I now, baby?

of being terrified

2009-11-10T21:23:00.000Z

Something has changed and I don't know what it was. I can feel it in my bones. She wanted to make new friends so I encouraged her. She needed it, and I wasn't going to deny her that. But I have these nagging feelings that I was gonna lose her.

God! I am scared. I am terrified.

waiting

2009-10-19T21:19:00.000+01:00

It's been quite a while since I last wrote something here. And a lot of things have happened between then and now but the one thing for sure is that I am still together with the woman I love.

It is incredible to be able to say that you love someone that your heart actually hurt so much because you can't contain the feelings you have for her. She is the essence of my being and without her I'm crippled.

I feel a temporarily lost at the moment because she's on holiday for two weeks. It has been 8 days since I last heard from her. I can't wait for her to come back.

where's my girl?

2009-02-14T19:17:00.001Z

It's lonely without you here. All the words I want to say are left unsaid and all the feelings I want to show are put on hold until you are back in my arms.

Happy Valentine's Day Sayang.

if I had

2008-11-02T20:12:00.001Z

If I had the chance to hug you again,
I would hug you longer.

If I had the chance to kiss you again,
I would kiss you longer.

If I had the chance to hold you again,
I would hold you longer.

If I had the chance to walk with you again,
I would walk with you all day long.

If I had the chance to see you smile and hear you laugh again,
I would think of the funniest things I could think of to tell you,
Just to see you smile and hear you laugh.

If I had the chance to feel your love again,
I would spend every minute with you.

I would do all these things because
I love and miss you.

eight is the lucky number

2008-10-28T22:00:00.001Z

November is almost here. I can't believe that time passes so quickly.

We have been together for more than 8 months. I also haven't seen her for 8 days. It is a horrible feeling not being able to see her or even talk to her.

Everything seems to be going alright for us. Then I slipped and made the same blunder again. I know I hurt her and I know she was feeling the stress and the burden of having a relationship with me.

I am so in love with her that I end up hurting her instead. Our relationship is complicated enough as it is, and she thinks I am trying to make it even more difficult by not trying to understand her situation.

So, here I am trying not to crowd her. I don't want to make her feel that she has to be responsible for me. I am not going to be a burden to her! All I want is to make her happy. My feelings, my wants and my needs are not relevant at this time. She's the most important person in my life and I don't want to disappoint her. As always I will put her first before anyone else and that is my pledge to my love.

a note to Sayang

2008-10-28T21:08:00.001Z

"Dearest Sayang,

I am very sorry for subjecting you to this pain and hurt that I myself inflicted upon you. I promise I will try to have less demands. I will try to control my jealousy and the sharp feelings I get every time I think about the life you have without me.

I can't imagine my life without you and if I could only get a little piece of you I should be happy and grateful for your love. It should be enough and I have to learn not to be greedy in wanting more.

You have given me more than I could ever asked for. You have saved me, trusted me and gave me guidance in finding the way back to life. You believe in me and you care. And for all that you have shown and given I am humbled by your compassion and your love.

It is unfortunate that we fell in love under the circumstances. This is the hardest and the most grueling relationship ever faced by either one of us and with it comes the additional stress and pressure.

I know there were many times when you felt like quitting because the burden is too great to handle. I also know that it has crossed your mind that this relationship is not worth the risks you are taking. You have a great and wonderful life and it is something that is not worth giving up to be with me. I don't even have anything to offer to you because everything I have or everything that I am is out weighted by my shortcomings.

It is ironic that two weeks ago I asked you the meaning of the word peripheral. Today I accepted the fact that I am just a peripheral in your life even though I know you would say otherwise. I know sometimes you think I expect too much from you. Funny enough, last week after you spent the weekend with me, I realised you are not mine to begin with. Therefore I could not ask for more than what you can give.

I remember you once said that everyone is equal but some are more equal than the others. I did not get it at that time but when I looked at our situation I think it is slightly clearer to me now. We may be equal but we are not on the same page. I looked down at my feet to see myself and I looked into your face. You are far more sophisticated and intelligent and sometimes I feel intimidated because somehow I am not enough for you. This is something I have to work out and overcome.

In the next few years I may be still not enough or good for you but nothing can beat the feelings, the love and the hots I have for you. You are the one I give my heart to and the one I want to be with.

Regards,

Your Sayang"

Eight months and counting

2008-10-26T17:54:00.000Z

Wow! It's almost 8 months I abandoned this blog. Not that I have a new one nor would I neglect the one thing that kept me sane for the last 4 years. But life seems to move forward and time just passed so quickly.

I heard from a grapevine there seems to be some kind of gossips about my revealing story. It's all old news babes. Move on.

There are lots of things going for me, and the most important one is there's someone who loves me and gives me strength to face the new days. She is the most amazing and wonderful person and I know I finally found someone who really cares.

It's all going well.

Although, I have to say that The Mentor still scolds me over crappy and silly things I came up with even after I quit working for her. But one lesson I learned from The Mentor is that you only need certain people in your life. People who care for you, support you when you need them and who would be there for you during the good and bad times. Choose your true friends, and leave the peripherals out.

loved

2008-10-15T23:57:00.001+01:00

i) being in love

ii) being kissed by you

iii) being able to touch your face

iv) being in bed with you

v) being able to see you smile

vi) being cared for

vii) being touched

viii) being missed

ix) being able to talk to you

x) being able to joke and laugh

xi) being made to think sensibly

xii) being accountable

xiii) being your love

xiv) being amazed by you

xv) being whole when you are with me

Sleep deprivation and sex are good for the soul

2008-09-14T19:31:00.001+01:00

I love sex. Tell me who doesn’t?

Comparing her non-existance sway of a dance with sex was so wrong. She blushed when she tried to explain her reasoning for watching me moved to the music. She was adorable when she was being soppy. She was sweet when she was being sweet on me.

I thought I could go on forever.

here without you

2008-09-11T20:53:00.001+01:00

To my Sayang, I want you more than ever

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

please tell her

2008-08-18T20:50:00.001+01:00

I missed her.

I missed her voice and her sweet smile. I missed looking at her laughing eyes when she tried to wind me up. I loved her chuckles when she laughed at my sillyness.

Please someone tell her that I am here waiting for her to come and sweep me off my feet. Tell her that she lights my fire and I am hers if she would have me.

God sent me you

2008-07-15T20:45:00.002+01:00

Tonight I'm thinking about you again
I know you are a part of someone else's life
but for me you are my life
you have touched my soul
I didn't know I could love anyone
as much as I love you.
I hope this kind of magic stays
forever between us two,
and the whole wide world will know
I am lucky
that God sent me you

of being vulnerable

2008-06-14T20:43:00.002+01:00

I'm aloof and distant. I'm rough and tough. I'm independent and self-sufficient. I looked confident. I may sound selfish and spoilt to someone who doesn't know me. I'm needy and I want to be pampered. I'm soft and shy. I lack confidence and self belief.

But she knows me well. She can read me like a book. I become vulnerable when she can break my barrier and the fences that I erected to protect myself. She could bring my defence down with just the snap of her fingers. And she's all I ever wanted.

the four-letter word part 2

2008-05-25T20:36:00.002+01:00

It was a day later. A text came in @18:27

"I love you"

and the following day @10:29

"Hey baby did I tell you I love you?"

I'm on top of the world. Love you too Sayang!

the four-letter word

2008-05-23T20:34:00.001+01:00

I will always remember this day. When I got to her place I found out she was really ill from food poisoning. The feeling of being protective and concern suddenly emerged from within. I didn't want her to suffer. Oh I would do anything to spare her the pain.

I wanted to care for her and love her and just be with her even if we didn't utter a single word. Just the thought of being close to her is enough. I want to wrap my arms around her and never let go. It's a wonderful feeling.

I had the most magical day of my life. Felt like I was living in a bubble and did not want anyone to burst it.

Today I told her I love her.

ultimatum

2008-05-02T20:26:00.001+01:00

She laid an ultimatum. She won't tolerate it if I betrayed her and if I did it would be the end of us. What makes she thinks I would tolerate if the thing was reversed? Ok, so she hasn't betrayed me but what is going to stop her from doing it?

How could there be one rule for her and another set for me? Can I tolerate that? Is that a betrayal?

of respect and love

2008-04-16T20:14:00.001+01:00

She dropped a bombshell on me.

She said I need to find someone who is available to me full time. I know. I know before we got together that this relationship is impossible. I know that she can't offer me more than what she has given. I know that I can't expect us to be like a normal couple who are free in showing their emotions and affection. But I don't want her to leave nor do I want to find someone else. I made up my mind and I'm sticking to my decision.

My mates have been telling me that there's so many obstacles between us and it would have never worked out. To be honest, yes I agree with them. The lists could fill up the wall in my bedroom if I were to think of them. If I were to follow my head then I would have to put a stop to everything and stop seeing her. But no matter what they said - that this is wrong - I can't stop the feeling I developed for her.

From the very beginning, and this was some years ago, I was comfortable being with her. She made me feel like I was somebody and I felt appreciated. She cares and is interested with what's going on in my life. Every time she embraced me, I felt a twinge of happiness and jealousy. Happy because I like her and that she's been wonderful to me. I was also jealous for the people in her life who have been on the receiving end of her warmth, kindness and affection. I wanted to be one of them. I realised now that I wanted to be special to her.

Every time I saw her, she managed to put a smile on my face, and when I didn't see her I could get by just by talking to her. I remember telling her about my family and friends. I opened up to her bits by bits. The respect I have for her is enormous. I value and appreciate her and care for her. Then it finally clicked. I must have loved her for a while now.

diversion and jealousy

2008-03-17T20:05:00.001Z

I have a nasty streak that surfaced every once in a while. She's even worried that one day I might lose control over it and would use it just to leash out and strike her just because I was hurt. How could she think that I would do such thing to someone I love? She doesn't know that I would spare her all the hurt if I could, and I thought she knew me better.

Yes I am jealous. Isn't it natural to be jealous because you love someone? But I am all cock-and-bull false bravado. I would prefer to suffer on my own and rot to die.

Who am I to say anything? I can't even claim her as mine. She loves another, but to say that I am not jealous would be the understatement of the century.

So, what's left to do but for me to think that I am just an aberration or just a detour from her normal life. Something new and something exciting to spice up in life. I am trying to convince myself that all she wants is just an escape from all that pressure she has from work and family commitment. Everyone expects too much from her so she comes to me just to be herself and release that tension. I am sure when she had enough, she'd leave.

Some people often indulge themselves in some kind of forbidden thing, but when they lose interest it would be all over and they'd move on. Who knows, right?

the troublemaker

2008-03-10T20:01:00.001Z

The feeling I have for her is getting stronger and stronger everyday.

If I don't hear her voice I would feel restless. At times I feel guilty for making her have feelings for me. She would have never went for me if she knew my real orientation. Maybe that knowledge somehow influenced her emotion towards me.

I can't help but thinking I'm the troublemaker here.

lies and excuses

2008-03-08T20:00:00.001Z

Everything is so messed up. My life is taking a different turn and it seems to have make me confused. I can't even say the right words or do the right things. Words that came out of me seems to hurt her and I don't know how to make it better. To her they're all like poison.

She says I'm full of lies and excuses. Maybe I did lie because it's like second nature because if you're used to lying you just can't get rid of the habit overnight. But it wasn't my intention to hurt her at all.

On the other hand, sometimes my lies are to prevent or avoid confrontation. It's in me that I hate argument and I don't like being stuck in a heated conversation. I don't want to hurt anyone and I know I don't like her to be unhappy. I'd rather it was me that's hurting and suffering it all than seeing someone I love and care so much being upset and hurt.

you think you know

2008-03-05T19:56:00.001Z

I always thought I know what kind of woman I want as a girlfriend. Passionate, thoughtful and caring. I also thought I want someone who is shy and weak that I could take care of. I thought I am the strong one hence the criteria.

When I watched the L Word, I used to fancy the socks of Bette but I didn't think she was my type. It never crossed my mind that all these while what I needed is the strong-willed and an alpha female to bring me back to reality. Another criterion that I overlooked was the status because just like everyone else I assumed that most women are single and unattached. Until I found my love.

I never realised that she was right in front of my eyes. I was oblivious to her feeling towards me. In my defence it's all down to a huge barrier between us. I knew I had some feelings for her but I also knew that she's everything I want and I can't have.

of my coming out story part 5

2008-02-28T15:20:00.000Z

At the beginning of last year, I felt it was time to take another step and extend the discovery process beyond the cyber world and into the real world. There was a discussion and counseling group that meet every second and fourth Monday of the month at London Friend to talk about the issue of sexuality in a safe and friendly environment. And how apt it was that on the day I went, the topic was 'Am I, Aren't I? - Coming Out to Yourself'.

It finally clicked! Meeting people who are in the same boat made me realised I was not alone and talking about my fears and worries helps a lot. It dawned to me that working toward self-acceptance is the first step in coming out. It is the most important and often the most difficult step but it is better than living in the closet. It is a painful and lonely place to be especially if one stays there in order to survive; one would never survived! It takes a lot of energy to deny my feelings, and to be honest, denial can be costly.

At the ripe age of 33, I finally acknowledged and accepted myself. This was never a phase for me and I felt it was the most liberating feeling in the whole world. It felt like the weights on both shoulders have been lifted. Coming out to myself was the beginning of my not being angry anymore.

In fact, I believed it has helped me in developing a positive self-identity. I started to trust and believe in myself again. I also learn many valuable lessons about what the word friendship means. Friends that I thought would be the least judgmental were the first to drop me, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered the strongest support.

I have given hints to some friends through emails and phone calls but The Mentor was the first person I ever told face to face. It seemed appropriate for me to tell her since she took me under her wings and could read me like a book. When it finally came out of my mouth, I was already a nervous wreck and cried throughout the confession. She was the most supportive as ever and I couldn’t have ask for a better person to come out to. She encourages and pushes me to do more for myself. She sees the real person that I am and knew what I'm capable of. The thing that touched and humbled me the most is she believes in me at the time when I don't even have faith in myself. She is my rock and always will be.

I came to understand that the biggest hang-up was me. I was convinced everybody would have a horrible reaction to my coming out and would hate me. Soon after, it seems natural that I let my close friends know the real me. There were times when I thought I was ready to tell my sister, but then I chickened out. One day, I promised.

Coming out allows me to develop as a whole person. My confidence level has shot through the roof and I am comfortable with myself more than ever. It is honest and real, and it ends the stress of hiding and leading a double life. I started to listen to my deepest feelings and learn more about what homosexual is. The pre-conceived notions that gay people are freaks and sinful are from the stereotypical image that was badly represented but we are no different from the rest. The world would be a better place if people stopped labeling others and started respecting one another.

I realise it is not the faith that rejected people like me but it is the people of the faith that walked with holier than thou attitude. People who think that they are right and others are wrong. People who claimed they don't have any problems with gay people, but will add a 'but' at the end of their statement. People who refused to acknowledge that we existed and continue pretending as long as it is hidden.

I thank God that I am blessed with some friends who instead of preaching, they subtly invited me to the surau, which sometimes I graciously accepted, something I usually avoided in the past. To those who knew me, I thank you for being my friends and accepted and loved me as I am. I am still nowhere near perfect and as humble as ever but today, my spirituality is stronger and gentler. The God I know loves me and loves all those He has created.

As far as I can remember I have never been as happy and content in my life as I am these days. I am at peace and I love myself. That's all that matter. This is my coming out story. I have a long road ahead and it is very hard. I still have to fight to stay strong but I look forward to every new day, and I have never felt so free; no more headaches, no more stomach problems, no more misguided tortures. Just clear thinking. I found myself no longer in between.

And yes, I have always been different and I finally know why.

of my coming out story part 4

2008-02-28T15:14:00.003Z

Everyone sees me as the tough one. My family thinks that I walk on water and I could accomplish anything and everything, but what they didn't know is that I'm very good at hiding my miseries and sorrows. I could get an Oscar for that.

I didn't have anyone to confide to. No one that cared enough and made extra initiative to know more about me. I do have a few good friends but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I didn't think they would understand what I was going through because they were not in my shoes. There was so much pain and frustration that I was disgusted with myself and began thinking of myself as a failure. I was scared of being rejected for who I am; hence I isolated myself and lived in hibernation. I was thinking that if I rejected them first, then they wouldn't have the chance to push me aside and eventually hurt my feelings.

After years of lying, pretending and thinking that I was sick and not normal, I couldn't continue the facade. I needed to get out and be me. I don't know how but a part of me found the courage to write about it although I didn't admit that I was a full blown gay. Subconsciously I chose the title of this blog as it is because I knew deep down that I was neither here nor there.

When I finally told my good friend PS, I said that I think I was a bisexual just because I thought it was safer since I was only half gay and half straight. I was afraid of the reaction. I expected her to be horrified and stop being my friend. Gosh! What a relief when that didn't happen!

I remember she said that whoever I am, I'm just like everyone else with emotions and needs and I just have to accept it and just be selfish for once. For that, my friend, I would always be grateful for making me see it in a different perspective. If by being selfish I could be happy, then I'm not letting it go.

Slowly, I learned to accept that I cannot pretend to be someone that I'm not and that I have to stop hiding. Through some forums, the old defunct blog and this one, I started meeting new people. At first I was sceptical and afraid of being judged before they even knew the real me, but to my surprise I met some wonderful people whom later become very good friends. A few bloggers were kind enough to offer me friendship, advice and verses to read in times of confusion.

As I wrote about all sorts of things that were trapped in my head, I calmed a little and some stress was alleviated, but the torment of not being able to fit in was still thick and heavy in the air. It was an absolutely terrifying and stressful journey. And you know what, when you think about the family, it is always very hard to live up to their expectations.

l.i.f.e

2008-02-17T14:31:00.002Z

I thought I had my life figured out. I know who I am and what I want. It's so good to finally accept myself the way I am and I am not embarrassed by it.

I never thought that one day someone would come along and throw me off balance. Well, I thought wrong. I don't want to hurt and I can't stand the thought of being hurt. Why must fate be so cruel? Why must it be all or nothing for me?

empty space

2008-01-30T23:42:00.000Z

You know how funny/weird/ironic it is that when you resolve something or you finally figured things out, you find that you have nothing much to say, anymore.

of my coming out story part 3

2008-01-30T23:02:00.000Z

I began to struggle with my inner self and thinking perhaps I was having a mid-life crisis. 'This is shit!' I told myself. No one has a mid-life crisis in their mid 20s! I needed to start anew.

Up until then, I have to say that I was not interested in men and never had any boyfriends, but thinking that I should conform to the society, I found myself going out with them. I tried to create interests and give plenty of attention. Time and again, I forced myself but it never went any further. The interest just wasn't there and as soon as I got home from the dates I forgot all about them. It never crossed my mind to even think of them in a romantic way.

I enjoy being friends with men and having them as good company but attracted to them? No. Envisioning the rest of my life spent with any of them? No. Putting up with their behaviors and the typical manly characteristics? No, thank you! Married with white picket fences and 2.5 kids? Definitely a no no. I do not want to conform to what the society deems as the right thing to do. I don't want to get married just because that is expected of me. I was fucking miserable, and I don't think it was fair to make other people's life as painful as mine.

Yes, I've tried to be what I thought was expected of me, lived the life that had been modeled to me by those I knew. But deep down I knew it didn't fit. In 2004 I went through the bleakest and most difficult time of my life. I was depressed, suffering from anxiety attacks, had zero confidence, low self-esteem and suicidal.

Since I arrived in the UK, I kept to myself. I didn't feel like befriending new people and only knew the people I used to work with. To be brutally frank, I hated the narrow-minded and judgmental people especially the Malays. The angst in me was at full blown, even a few bloggers I met could sense the vibe at that time. Yet, I can't avoid my family even though I tried to keep minimal contacts with them. My sister tried to introduce me to a few of her friends' brothers and I even had a marriage proposal, which I turned down. Oh how I dreaded thinking about the subject!

There was a couple of times The Mentor mentioned about me finding a man, but with her I could just shrugged away and pushed it to the back of my mind. There was not too much pressure from her. However, after gentle and persistent prodding and genuine interest in my life, slowly, I was able to talk and open up bits and pieces of me. I found myself telling her the things that were on my mind, which I couldn't express and never uttered to anyone before.

For some odd reason I wanted to be perfect and invisible. I didn't want people to see me as weak and needy, and as a wimp but somehow I knew there's nothing I could do about it. I don't have what other people have, so I thought my life was shit and not complete.

To be honest, I didn't understand what I was going through. How odd it was that some parts of me were still green and naive. Yet, at the back of my mind I knew it had something to do with my sexual orientation. I felt so depressed, guilty, scared and angry all the time, but most of all I felt very lonely. The loneliness was devastating; sometimes I curled up in bed and didn't move for hours or didn't go out for days.

In the midst of all these, I struggled with how to reconcile the reality with a faith that totally rejected and shunned people like me. In my mind, I failed myself and I was a disgrace to the family. Only God knows how I survived and lived with that thought.

A wonderful Swedish getaway

2008-01-22T20:49:00.000Z

of this weekend

2008-01-13T19:58:00.000Z

One application on Facebook says this about me:

"A geek from the word go, you are brilliant at all the difficult and tech stuff. You excel at anything techy. It's sometimes difficult for you to find a company of people worth spending time with. Which is probably why you have planned to take over the world with your self made robots!"

Hah! What bollocks! I says loads of bollocks.

But I do feel absolutely fab! Happy as I can be.

With the sunshine and fine weather, good friends to entertain, dinner with a lovely company and great salsa night what more could a girl ask?

of my coming out story part 2

2008-01-11T18:12:00.000Z

I sailed through college without a boyfriend, and not wanting one at all. Though I did develop a close friendship with another girl, I thought it was just normal for girls to have that kind of bond with their friends.

I remember there was a paper we had to write about homosexuality but I still had no idea what it really was. As it happened, the friendship didn’t go any further as I felt claustrophobic and trapped with her neediness. So these feelings I had for girls completely and totally slipped my mind.

Furthermore, I had other demons to battle with at that time. I had to deal with the death of my mother, relocating myself to a foreign country and the shock that my father remarried less than 6 months later. As I blamed myself for the unfortunate death, I felt all the guilts were on me and was totally lost, angry and hurt.

I was young and didn't know any better. The way I saw it, I was coping well. I had my attention on things that were gothic, mystery and grotesque, and for a while there I even started to look like one. I made sure that the things I did were out of the ordinary, unexpected and slightly odd. Druid, satanic cult, emo, pagan, witchcraft, tarot, you just name it, I was interested. But it never lasted long enough. I was unbelievably lost.

I love being in the company of people, but there I was isolating myself, in my little world, trying to find a solid ground below or a hand to hold but I never managed to grab one. I was hiding and, at the same time, protecting myself from being hurt again. I always felt that I was there for people when they need me but at the same time, I can't help feeling all alone fighting for my survival. I always held back what was on my mind and never spoke of any sorrows. I pushed people away and refused to let anyone get close. I wanted to run as far as I could. Still, I didn’t know what I was running from or where I was running to.

It was only at the beginning of my so-called adult life that I found myself falling hopelessly in love, with a woman. And ironically, I didn’t even know that it was love. Like it or not, she filled my mind for the next few years and there was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. I felt that I finally had found something or someone to live for. I was feeling all sort of emotions and wanted to change for the best. I would have gone to the moon and back if she had asked.

Sadly, I was just a phase she was going through at that moment. I was devastated and it was way too excruciating to watch her leave. But leave she did.

of being scared

2008-01-06T17:50:00.000Z

I am temporarily insane

now I show you vulnerabilities
you see things I cannot do

now I tell you weaknesses
you see not my capabilities

now I bear my soul to you
you only see meekness

I'm not the person you thought you knew

of my coming out story part 1

2008-01-06T01:54:00.000Z

Growing up, I always knew that I was different, but I just didn't have a grasp on why and what set me apart from everyone else.

My teenage years were quite happy ones, yet a little stormy sometimes. Even though I was a well-behaved child and never had problems at school, deep down I was a rebel. I was a little rascal and went through stages of hatred and anger at things in general. However, I could never put my fingers on what it was that triggered my restlessness.

When my friends were checking out the boys from St. Michael or KSAH, I pretended to be interested and did the same when in fact I didn't feel an iota of feeling towards the male gender. I have always had an infatuation with women since I was a little girl. I only liked and obsessed over women performers and women actors, but I usually ended up putting posters of guys over the walls in my room because it was the 'normal' or 'right' thing to do. In a way I thought that if I had them on my walls, I would start developing some kind of attraction towards the opposite sex.

I was thinking that when I got a little older, this phase would pass and I would fall totally in love with a man. I even found myself studying relationships around me between boys and girls and wondered if I'd be fortunate enough to have a boyfriend one day.

Nevertheless, all the while I never stop having crushes on girls. I didn't know what it was but I did know how terrified I was, and the indescribable worry that I like girls more than I like boys. I had no knowledge of such thing as gay people. There was no talk among my high school peers and there certainly were no talk shows, no films or no internet to help better my understanding of such emotions.

I prayed to God, sobbing, and thinking it was the worst fate to ever be forced upon anyone. Not to mention the fact if dear mother found out, God only knows what layer of hell would be unleashed and set upon my frail teen soul.

of coming back to my senses

2008-01-01T15:29:00.000Z

How the heck did I suddenly write about political correctness and stuff? That is so not me. For awhile there I thought I sounded quite intelligent and had become a feminist. Er, not! Please can someone slap some senses back into my brain!?

Today I think I sounded more like the village idiot. It must have been because I had so much time on my hands. Thank goodness I'm back at work tomorrow.

I never took myself seriously and I'm not about to start the new year that way either. For all I know, I live in the playfulness of the moment, whatever that means.

2007 has been a turbulent but exciting year for me. I wish and pray for a playful yet happy 2008!

Notes for next entry: Is it ok for a 35-year old to date a 24-year old? Lame, I know, but mmm...

By the way

2007-12-31T18:04:00.000Z

Happy New Year everyone! May you have lots of love, happiness and prosperity in 2008

of my very long views, more like a letter to the editor

2007-12-31T17:06:00.000Z

A friend alerted me on the article in Harian Metro. I can't help but feeling sad and angry after reading it. Since it hits home and about who I am, I guess it's appropriate for me to express my opinion.

Dear Norainon Othman,
Harian Metro

I read your article about same sex relationship after a friend alerted me about it. Based on your writing, I take it that you don’t have a friend who is gay or know any gay people close enough to discuss the matter. But that’s ok because to write something you should know you subject matter, which I presumed you did a research beforehand.

Unfortunately, I have to say that I am disappointed after reading it. Obviously when you wrote that you would like to dig deep into this issue, I assumed that you would go back to basics and provide interesting insights. I am not a writer but how lame it is when I noticed that you failed the fundamental element of writing. There were no scientific or even academic studies cited to prove your points. All that present were the interviews with some government officials or some sort and even that were cited without statistics. The fact that you only wrote one side of the story and did not offer a perspective from the lesbian side makes your article less credential that it is already.

By the way, if you do interview lesbians, please make sure they are credible enough to offer mature and intelligent statements. Not just some kids who aren’t sure what they want and just wasting their life pretending to themselves and to the world that this is the lifestyle they want. But I guess it would be hard to find one because no lesbians in their right mind would risk talking to you.

I’m in awe when the Chairman of Sidim, someone who I assumed to be educated as he holds a high position, mentioned that animals don’t have a same sex relationship. Perhaps he and you would like to check with Oregon Health and Science University School of Medicine about one of the studies that confirmed that brain anatomy and hormone production play some parts behind the homosexuality found in sheep. Have you heard the news about Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins at the Central Park Zoo in New York? They made headlines when they, along with six other same-sex couples among penguins, were discovered. The same thing happened at Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen, Germany in 2005. I think it’s sufficient to say that there are many more examples of gay animals. You should dig them out you know. It’s your job after all.

President of Pekemas dares mentioned that this issue stem from the influences of pornography from CDs and Internet. This actually shocks me. What is this? Some kind of jokes? Have you seen a pornographic video of two women having sex, Ms Norainon? It is a disgrace and disgusting to watch, let alone to even suggest that this is one of the reasons women became a lesbian. Sex scenes in these videos are so downright dirty and demeaning to all women that they will actually turn you off and make you puke. These videos are for sick-minded and sex-starved men who can’t do much but fantasize about what they can’t have.

There may be some truth in the claim that some women who were terribly affected by the trauma or abuse in their life could develop an attachment to other women over times but that doesn't mean that they are gay, be it sexually or not. That's only because of the security and emotional needs that were provided by these other women. However, a lot of gay people also grew up in a happy and healthy surrounding as demonstrated by a few of my friends. Thus, the root of homosexuality can’t be pinpointed to just psychological reasons but also biological ones.

But it is absurd and laughable to say that some women become a lesbian because they do not want their freedom taken away by men. Do you know that many modern women prefer to be singles but are not lesbians!? Some single women prefer to have a male fuck buddy instead of a husband. And some gay women prefer to be single without being in a relationship. Believe it or not, we lead a solitary yet satisfied life. We may have feelings for women, but it doesn’t mean we have to act on it.

By suggesting that the government do something to prevent it from spreading, do you think it’s some sort of a disease or something that can be cured? Existing syariah law doesn’t stop married people from committing adultery or prevent people from having sex out of wedlock. And existing law also doesn’t stop the children from being molested by sick paedophiles. What make you think that the law can stop the world from being cursed by God already? And what makes you think that a law can stop someone from being a lesbian? It’s not like a woman could just wake up one day and decide to break the law by being a lesbian. Duh!

“Oh by the way mum, today I decide to be a lesbian just to annoy you and dad!” Or, “I got my heart broken and I hate men, so today I will turn lesbian.” What a funny notion. Where do you live, Norainon? It doesn't happen overnight. People can’t just switch on and off their sexuality to suit their need. And just for the record, women don't become a lesbian. We either are or aren't.

It looks to me that homosexuals are being treated like a third class citizen even though we contribute to the wellbeing of the country just as everyone else. Just look at some of the female engineers at Petronas, Shell or whatever. I bet my life that some are lesbians. What about some government officials or the people in the medical professions? Think about sportswomen, lawyers, lecturers or even politicians. Do you punish us all for being a lesbian? Do you oppress and discriminate us just because of our sexual preference? Does it make any difference to our work performance if you knew with whom we perform in bed?

Stop this bigotry and open your ears. I’m sure you don’t do that to any heterosexuals as that is deemed inappropriate and unprofessional. So what makes you think you can do that to homosexuals? At least we are intelligent enough to adopt the US Army motto of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell or else we would be oppressed and humiliated beyond repair.

The truth is we know rights from wrongs. By all means do provide support, counseling and religious classes for those who seek help. But you don’t have to lay blames and condemn us because we ourselves have been surrounded by guilt since forever. Please don’t add any more complication to our already complicated life. You are just going to drive us deeper underground.

the day I wrote about a serious issue

2007-12-28T03:57:00.000Z

It feels a little lonely to spend the festive season here instead of in Malaysia. But beggar can't be choosy, can she? :)

I hope everyone else is having a good time celebrating and I can't wait for 2008 to come. Thank God I was not caught in the madness of boxing day sales. It was never for me, and I had no intention to even step foot in Oxford Street at this time of the year. Mad!

Today I got a call from T who is having a problem with her boyfriend, asking if I could take her out. Since not much is happening I just took her to a girls club in Soho, with no intention of cruising or whatsover. We just wanted to unwind and relax and before the club closes we walked to another to find that most clubs are also closing as they're kinda dead anyway.

We ended up in a bar chatting and laughing away in a little corner when suddenly I found that we were surrounded by a bunch of men. They seem nice in the beginning but after a few minutes they started making innuendos that they wouldn't mind a threesome.

Initially, I find it funny and told them that I'm not interested in men and T told them that she too is a lesbian just to get them away. I got pissed off when these slimy, dodgy men were trying to convince me that I just haven't met the right man.

Excuse me? Which part of lesbianism that some people don't understand?

Let's be honest here. When people hear anything about lesbians, all they think about is sex. And it makes me even mad when people started wiggling the tongue. Gross! I dunno why but I got a vibe that that doesn't normally happen when it involves gay men. Unfortunately to us we have been portrayed as the sex maniacs or have become the butt of a joke or a pervert or something. Dang! If you are straight, look at the men or women around you now. Do you fancy them and want to sleep with all of them? No? Then what makes you think that I fancy all women I see?

The most important part that people need to understand is homosexuality is not all about sex. Most women find a special enjoyment being in the company of other women. There is more understanding on all levels; intellectual, emotional, sensual. Women understand what women mean when they talk, just as men understand men. Women relate to each other better than they do to men. If you take the sex part (and religious) out, it makes sense that two women would want to be together.

Let's face it, we (and when I say we I mean LGBT) did not choose this path or that we had the option of being gays, or not. Do you think that we enjoy and we want to be ostracised by the society? Do you think it's fun being alienated and live our lives the hard way? Having to hide our true self, being forced to lie, being harassed, oppressed and discriminated against? Trust me, no one wants that kind of life. Definitely not me.

You know the stories you read in the tabloid lately about young women with many lesbian lovers and runaway lesbians are just stories. Some of them are kids who do not know what it means to be gay. They are still 'budak hingusan' and rebels. Because of the social stigma attached to homosexuality, most parents try to point fingers at someone when their daughters 'turned out' that way. They blamed their daughters' lesbian friends or tv programs for the negative influence. Look. Just step back a little, listen and learn. Don't shut them out. Nothing good will ever came out if people started pointing fingers at each other.

And get real! It's neither a trend nor a phase.

If after reading this you think that I am brave, bold, adventurous and independent, think again. I am a chicken shit. Just like the rest of other people, I am the same person since I was born, the same person that my parents raised and the same just as before I come out.

The truth is I and I can say that most of us are scared that if we come out of the closet we will lose the love of the most important people in our lives, our parents and families. All we ever wanted to know is that we are still loved no matter who we are or what sexual orientation we have. Nothing more, nothing less.

And today, the 12th year since my mother passed away, I need to reaffirm my own belief that my mother and father would still love me if they had known the truth.

of mantras

2007-12-04T23:54:00.000Z

It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon. It will get better soon.

I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.

No bullshit!

Come on, Ewok!

tales of the dales

2007-11-29T00:50:00.000Z

The last few days have been quite alright I think. I didn't think about the heartache too much. Instead I went out of London to the little town where everything started.

It was really good to see Gaz and family again after almost 3 years. He bought a farm and has started producing his own ice cream. It looks like his business has grown and will continue to grow. A few months back he even offered me to work for him again with lots of incentives thrown together. Although I like him and the job, I feel that my heart is now in London.

As for Clarky, he has become little mature but he never lost his charm and as witty as ever. Well, except that he lost his front tooth. Ha ha!

They were a bit surprised to learn that K and I are no longer together and I was bombarded with the inevitable questions. But instead of feeling sad and depressed I felt really good talking about it. It was as if I'm letting go.

I am glad that I went up north just to clear my head. Maybe I should go out of town more often.

The only thing that made me sad is knowing K is sick :(

of dying and keeping perspective

2007-11-23T13:24:00.000Z

People may say that no one ever died of broken heart but since I'm suffering from one, it's sure doesn't feel that way.

Every passing day is a torture. The lost connection, the fading laughter, the forgotten banters.

It's all feel like shit. I feel like shit.

How could she do this to me and then said she can't imagine not having me in her life? What the fuck is that? It's unfair and a little selfish I'd say.

There were times when I feel that I really wanna pick up the phone and call just so I could hear her voice but I know I can't. I have to resist the urge even though I think about her all the time.

Thank goodness for the good friends around me. Marc and The Candle Girl dragged me out to see films or just to hang out even when I was feeling despondent. The Third Floor Girls have been forcing me to go walking with them, which help takes my mind off my woe.

I admit that I fell out of touch with some friends during the relationship, but I have learned a lesson from it. I'm picking up all the pieces and as The Mentor said, my suffering is only one problem out of the many. I shall keep that in perspective.

of life swap

2007-11-23T13:07:00.000Z

For those who think they have something to say, advice to give, preaching to do bla bla bla, let's make a deal, sweetheart.

Let's swap and I will let you live my life for the last 18 years. Then we can talk. What do you say, eh?

For now, you live yours I live mine. Peacefully, before I tell you to bugger off!

of pain

2007-11-21T03:19:00.000Z

I used to think that I am a very calm person. I walk away from argument and I can't stand a heated conversation or any violent behaviours.

Now I feel like smashing everything in sight. I am constantly pissed and most of the time I don't know what or whom I'm mad at. I didn't realise that I have such anger all bottled up inside. I'm just angry at people, at me, at her and at lifeless objects. Gosh! This energy is driving me crazy.

I know my friends are telling me it's just a normal phase I'm going through. And I am embracing this, but I just don't know for how long I could do it. I'm just not cut out to be this way.

I'm too gentle, too nice and too emotional.

The Mentor has been very good and after reassuring me that I will meet someone nice and better she told me to get off it already, which made me laugh. Such gem she is.

Yeah, the thought of going back in the scene and starts dating is a little scary. I don't think I could do so soon since the duct tapes are still plastered all over my heart.

What also scares me is the fact that I would probably go through heartache again and again until I find the right person is a bit taxing. I can't handle it. It took me years to get over the previous one and now this one made me look like I came back from a battle.

Oh such pain!

the mask of a fool

2007-11-19T22:57:00.000Z

My sister commented that I wear a mask all the time.

Maybe I am wearing a mask, but that's because I feel the need to shield myself. I want to protect myself from the cruelties and the horrible experiences that could hurt and make me suffer. Honestly, I am scared of pain and heartache.

However, I realised that sometimes when I feel slightly safe I'd remove the mask and rejoice in finding my true self. I want to enjoy the sunshine and the happiness it brings. It is such a glorious feeling.

But there will be a time when the unexpected happens and whack!! You got hit and fell flat on your face.

Damn!

It's time to put the mask on again. Too bad.

of freaky friday

2007-11-12T23:45:00.000Z

A lot can be said from what happened recently, but I refused to resort to throwing a tantrum. That's not me.

And to be honest, she is such a nice and lovely person. So beautiful inside out that I felt so lucky to have known her. In these days of craziness, I'd never though I'd to meet someone as sweet and considerate.

The tantrum I'm refering to is not about her behaviour or characters. No, it's the way the relationship was going at that time. I wish I could change something that I did or said 3 weeks ago because it was that that triggered the break up. That freaked her out and made her run the opposite direction.

If there was someone to blame, it should be me. It doesn't matter that she said it wasn't me. Deep down I know the truth.

There was no point in crying my eyeballs out. At least we were happy in that short period of time, and we could still be friends even though my heart breaks at the thought.

Yes, it happened on a Friday :(

of time and rindu

2007-11-09T14:47:00.000Z

Everyone keeps saying to give some space and time which is logical and fair enough.

I went into a relationship without a single baggage whereas it was different for her. Too many baggages and problems to think of that make it impossible to think clearly.

I honestly understand and accept the fact that we are on a different level.

But the heartache is still the same. Someone said to give enough time for her to miss me. But what about me? All the things I have belonging to her, the weird orange fish she won for me at a funfair, the special bull from Spain. Looking at them makes my heart bleeds. What about my rindu?

It hurts to know that I don't have the same previlege, anymore.

Kenangan Terindah

2007-11-08T17:51:00.000Z

Aku yang lemah tanpamu

aku yang rentan karena

cinta yang telah hilang darimu

yang mampu menyanjungku

selama mata terbuka

sampai jantung tak berdetak

selama itu pun

aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

darimu kutemukan hidupku

bagiku kau lah cinta sejati

bila yang tertulis untukku

adalah yang terbaik untukmu

kan kujadikan kau kenangan

yang terindah dalam hidupku

namun takkan mudah bagiku

meninggalkan jejak hidupku

yang telah terukir abadi

sebagai kenangan yang terindah

of bleeding love

2007-11-07T16:56:00.000Z

It doesn't matter who you like and who you love, you just follow your instinct and heart. And who could have explain love?

Love is.

When you try to be the better person than you were before. When you feel that every bit of your existence matters. When every drop of your sweat and blood appreciated. When you live and breathe happiness. When your heart feels like bursting with emotion. All that make you content.

You fight for love.

But there was a time when you just have to admit defeat. And you stop crying.

Only time can help and heal me again.

of healing

2007-11-07T12:24:00.000Z

I can't believe that I'm going through this again after so long. I am tough, independent, hard and strong. I could do anything or go anywhere I want to but here I am writing, again, to heal.

It feels like a strong force just ripped my heart apart and left me bleeding, wounded. This is not fair. Decision was made for me and now I have duct tapes all over again.

All my being suddenly flew out of me. The things I want to do I can't do. Everything is so fucking cold and gloomy just like the weather.

I can't smile.

Lemah, that's the right word. The pain is so sharp I can't even describe it. I just need to pick up the pieces and let go. Damn! It hurts.

It was one of the happiest moments in my life. Though it happened at the wrong time, I will treasure it and she would always have a piece of my heart.

of heartbreak

2007-11-05T15:44:00.000Z

I used to love this song so very much. One of my most treasured songs because it brings out all sort of emotions. The feelings just flow and I would love to hate it but I just can't.

This was our song. Even after I got dumped by her, it will always have a special place in my heart.

Breathe Me
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

of raya and fire

2007-10-19T00:51:00.000+01:00

aahhh sod it! I had written quite a long entry about raya and fireworks only to find them missing from my drafts. I'm not bothered to rewrite. Instead, here are some photos of the fireworks display we had set off during Raya and etc.

Salam Aidil Fitri

2007-10-09T03:14:00.000+01:00

In just a few more days, we will be celebrating Hari Raya. This is the 4th time I'm celebrating it in London, but I think this would also be one of the nicest ones for a number of reasons.

I used to just take Eid as it is and usually work on that day, but now I could feel the atmosphere and all the excitement surrounding it. Alhamdulillah I managed to go to terawih after so many years I didn't attend albeit it was only just a couple of nights. Someone told me that the ustaz at Malaysia Hall even had the photo of us (me being so very visible) on his blog.

Someone special to me is also coming to spend a few days during Eid and I do look forward to it. Even though being a non Muslim, that person has been encouraging me to fast knowing me well that I might not fast on some days.

And most of all, I am looking forward to open houses just so I could eat all the wonderful Malaysian food.

To my friends Muslim and Non-Muslim from all over the world, I wish you Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin. Please forgive and forget if I have unknowingly hurt your feelings or done you wrong.

Can't Hold Back

2007-09-09T21:09:00.000+01:00

I didn't realise it was already more than a month since my last post. I guess there's a lot of things going in my life.

I'm still alive and I feel alive. I stop being so hard on myself after I realised that only I can make myself happy. Take That said that my time is coming and told me not to be late :)

It's funny weird how things turned out to be. I didn't plan to go and she didn't either, but fate intervened. We met, got a little distracted with each other and now we can't seem to stop chatting every night.

These days I found that sometimes sleep deprivation is good for the soul. But please remind me I said that when I becomes cranky during the day!

I like the fact that I look forward to reading the texts in the morning and talking on messenger the last thing at night.

of expensive walls

2007-07-31T02:43:00.000+01:00

It seems like life is taking over.

No more mundane things. It's all extraordinary.

Sometimes when I was in my old shoes, I cannot take a step further than I want to. There are certain boundaries that I have to observe. More like living behind walls, except these walls are somehow self-made.

Do you remember when Berlin Wall came tumbling down in 1989? Bit by bit people chipped away the wall. To be free at last.

My walls are coming down. I think the west side is completely knocked down and I'm currently trying to find my courage to bring down the east side.

I don't know what the reaction from easterners yet. Maybe I'll never find out. That would be scary. At what price am I paying this?

of your little sister

2007-07-25T01:20:00.000+01:00

Dear Aci,

I know you are quite busy most of the times, but I wanted to tell you something. Only that I'm not sure how to bring it up. It's hard for me though because I am quite a private and reserved person.

I think it could be due to several reasons and upbringing is certainly one of them. We hardly ever talked heart to heart, and when I was a kid, you were not around much anyway. But somehow when I get older or more accurately, when I became an adult, it is slightly easier to tell you things even though there are some that I keep hidden.

Over the last few years, I have written most of my thoughts on the internet. Quite a lot of them are about my anguish, anger, frustration and struggles, and everything else that tickled my fancy when I was growing up.

It is sort of therapy. And I needed that to help me find myself. I was lost. Sort of don't know who I was, and what I wanted in life. In other words I was miserable and restless. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not.

Maybe when I'm ready and you are too, then I will tell you my big secret. I am not good with conversation. If we talked, I would have cried and become emotional, and you would be the same. I'm not good with emotional struggles but I can write and I hope in time, you would understand.

One day at a time, I will let you read my thoughts on my blog. I started writing since 2004, but please don't mention this to Na or even your boys just in case they google me and find it. I'm not ready for them yet, but I am slowly getting used to the idea of you reading them. Plus, it has adult content anyway. Things that some people wouldn't even begin to imagine.

You are my only sister and I love you so much. I don't want you to worry. I am not in any kind of trouble. All I want is to be able to talk to you freely. I want us to have a closer relationship and be more like friends, but I am scared.

I'm not sure if you would understand. I am scared that you'd be judgmental because honestly I don't need that. I had enough on my plate anyway. All I want is understanding and love. I want people to love me for who I am. I certainly hope so, especially you.

So this is the beginning.

of poison dart frog

2007-07-05T08:23:00.000+01:00

Some people are born to be destructive. Some are born to educate. Some are born to offer love. And some are born to be selfish.

It seems like in at least one of our veins, there's some sort of catalyst poison lurking around. That one evil streak. Jealousy. Naughty. Rude. Gothic. Think we are better than the other.

Are you really?

I hate people who preach like they know better. Why do some like to insist that their views, their ideas, their way of thinking are the right way?

Excuse me? Who are you again?

of smoky bandit

2007-07-03T17:20:00.000+01:00

Officially, England has gone smoke-free.

And here I was, sending a message to TTG to bring me more Dunhill Light. I can't even smoke in the pub or enclosed public places anymore. I plead my innocent. I smoke only when I'm happy, which is not too often (please believe me) ;)

Other people smoke when they have nothing to do or when they are depressed. Not me, no sire! If I was then I would have killed someone in the last 2 years. You'd probably wouldn't notice me behind the smoke. I would be dead by now.

But I am a little confused. Bus stop is not an enclosed place but we can't smoke there since it's substantially enclosed whatever. My question is, can I smoke while I was walking? Or can I smoke at the park? After all, parks are public areas. What about smoking under an awning or something like that? I read the rules about roof and stuffs but I don't think I would ever understand the legal language, but I do know one thing. I do not want to pay £50 for the fine!

With the smoking banned, the biggest pick up line ever would also get written off from history. When you fancy someone in a club or pub, you can't even ask for light anymore!

of gay and gesture

2007-07-02T11:39:00.000+01:00

"Even though we've come a long way, gays and lesbians are still fired from their jobs, beaten in the streets and the brunt of cruel jokes. Some people think an abomination, but we think we're just fine. Gay Pride is our day to say we're here, we're proud of who we are. We're celebrating ourselves, no matter what the rest of you think" -Katie Belge-

I need sleep.

It's funny how I used to say I could relax during the weekend now that I just work on weekdays. I was kidding. It was more tiring than working. Having fun is exhausting. But I am not complaining, honest.

Saturday saw me at the Pride parade. I went later than I planned to so I missed quite a bit, but it was very encouraging to see so many people out there bracing the rain and all. I was drenched but do I care?

Even an ice cream van was in the parade. How cool was that?

London is a very gay friendly city. Everywhere on the streets of Soho they had parties, DJs, rally and cabaret. Soho Square turned into British Airways Square for the day with lots music and stuffs. It has been 35 years since the first pride, and they do come a long way to fight for respect and equality.

Later that night, after my friends left, I didn't feel like going home just yet so I hang around Old Compton Street, watched people and smoked the last few cigarettes before smoke-free England begins.

There, I met Scott and Chris from Milton Keynes, having a drink outside a pub. They were really funny especially Scott, and we learned a few things about each other. At one point Scott grabbed hold of a stack of the Pride magazines left at the dump. He gave us 5 copies each to try and give it away to passersby as quickly as we could.

It was in the middle of the night and drizzling so people dodged us left and right. It became a mission who could finish their copies first. It was hilarious because people thought we were drunk and crazy. We only wanted to give the mags away so we were pretty harmless, really.

Chris just stood there whereas Scott and I were running around giving it away. In the end, it was a tie between Scott and I since we got rid of them at about the same time. Chris was still holding all of his. It was almost midnight when I left and when I got home I just went to sleep straight away.

On Sunday I woke up feeling a lot sober but I just stayed in bed trying to read and watch some telly. I think I didn't remember what I watched anyway.

Later that afternoon, I went to Stratford because the Poles threw me a dinner party. I met TCG BF for the first time since The Candle Girl got together with him 2 weeks ago. She said he was my birthday present and I could use him for 1 hour, any way I want. LOL.

Dinner was simple but delicious. I know they hardly cook at home but I was touched by the gesture. They don't really have to do it and it was nice to know that some friends will go to a distance for you. When they sent me to the bus stop, Marc started singing 'The Jolly Good Fella' and everyone else joined in. We were walking hands on shoulders and when we had to cross the street, we put on a show like an Irish riverdance to the traffics. It was fantastic!

When I got home it was 2am. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

will I ever?

2007-06-30T01:44:00.000+01:00

How often do you think that you know someone and then suddenly they uncovered themselves, and shook the whole world? Your little world anyway.

Probably not too often.

Lately, I have trouble being honest. Truth be told, I am quite big on honesty but this is like I spit on my own face? No? Ok. Maybe that's the wrong phrase. I'm not the effing Queen, you know.

I have been living in lies and deception. It is so hard not being able to talk about my fascination, the object of desire, the sexcapades (as if!) and the inner feelings. It feels like if I'm hiding this part of myself I'm hiding the best part of me.

What would happen if my sister found out the truth? Would I be cast aside? Abandon like a forgotten history. I asked myself, "Dare I risk it?"

Who am I kidding?

My silliness has come back. Five folds. In the middle of the night, I said the name and lie panting. Crush? So juvenile.

of logics and stuff

2007-06-27T05:49:00.000+01:00

The Mentor always offers the best and logical insights anyone could give. Trust me.

The reason for the existence of this blog is to document my journey towards self discovery. Today, since it was very quiet in the store, I managed to read all of my previous entries. Blimey! That's a lot of stuff I tell ya.

The issues I had with my father, the grief for my mother, the relationship with my family, my career choice, the healing process, the self-acceptance and etc etc.

These issues won't go away unless I tackle them head on. One at a time. And I am not afraid to say that I have lots of weaknesses, and I am not a strong person. I need all the help I can to get through, something that I'm doing slowly at my own pace.

All these make up the person that I am. I have to be honest, with myself, with my family and with my friends. I realised that all these while, I'm collecting bits of pieces of me that was scattered everywhere. I found them here and there. The pieces that will complete me.

It's not like I'm spilling any secrets that will get me signed to publish a memoir and make me an instant millionaire nor do I have a hidden sex tape somewhere.

Do you think that 10 years or even 25 years down the line this blog will still exist? I would love to look back and read all the zigs zags and bums I encounter while documenting my life.

Some of what I wrote in the beginning still apply but somehow the tone of this blog has shifted a little to mark the changes in me. I am a lot happier and at peace. And no one can take this feeling away from me.

of banging and celebration with a bang!

2007-06-25T11:18:00.000+01:00

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I had a early celebration on the weekend, and it will continue until the next weekend and the weekend after. Wow! What a fantastic start. I only get to be, er, 33 once.

Though I'm done with the ice cream co., The Mentor was very generous enough to get me tickets for a weekend concert by HRC. And me being cheeky managed to persuade my former colleague to get me staff passes at the last minute. The truth is I didn't just go to enjoy myself, I did help out for a while. Didn't I?

On Saturday morning, I rang Marc and asked him to join me at Hyde Park. There were like maybe 15 bands playing throughout the day but honest to God, I had no idea who they are except for The Feeling, which is great cos I love their songs. The biggest and the last act for the night was Peter Gabriel, and I don't know who he is. LOL. The Mentor's entourage just rolled their eyes when they learn what load of rubbish I was. Hehe.

For Sunday, I do know Aerosmith, but if you want to know, that's only the only band I recognise. And both of us only knew maybe just 3 songs out of the many that Steven Tyler belted out. LOL.

There were abundant of foods though and Marc and I had so many glasses of fancy smancy cocktails we never heard before. What a weekend! And more celebration to come.

Next Saturday is the Pride London, which I wanted to volunteer for but in the end I decided that I'm just gonna go and enjoy it with some friends I met at LF. Now I'm in dilemma since Marc and the others want to do something else on that Saturday. Then, there's an invitation to go to Norwich for the weekend. Dang! Choices choices.

Tonight we are having a big dinner party at the Holiday Villa. If you're in the area, come and wish me Happy Birthday. Hehehe.

new age

2007-06-24T23:46:00.000+01:00

At the end of last month, my eldest nephew turned 17. Gosh! He’s all grown up. He’s even talking about getting his driver’s licence already!

Where has the time flies? I remember when he was only ten and me cuddling him. Since he is the first grandchild my mom used to spoil him. I think we all did, but thank goodness he is not a brat. He is quite a responsible young man.

My own birthday is coming up very soon. I don’t celebrate birthday except when I was with good friends. What’s the point of celebrating alone, eh? My brother's son and daughter are also celebrating their birthdays at about the same time. One of them is a day before me and the other is a day after.

You know, I used to be scared when I saw the numbers going up. Now when I read about people getting nervous about being in their 30s, I find it quite er, funny.

Ok. Here’s something to ponder. Theoretically, I should say that I am 32 going to be 33. However, when we were born, people didn’t say that we are zero. Only when we completed a year then they say we are one. So technically, tomorrow, I would have lived for 33 years, and working towards becoming 34 the following day.

In a matter of 3 days, I go from being 32 to 33 to 34. We are actually 2 years older than we think! Hahaha… What load of rubbish! But it does make sense, right?

I’m fine with my age.

Er.. Maybe I won’t be able to say the same when I hit 40, but heck! That’s seven years from now, oh wait! Is it 6 years? WTF? Let’s not go there.

silly

2007-06-21T10:09:00.000+01:00

Silly silly silly.

How to deal with silliness?

of a sister and a rockstar

2007-06-20T09:53:00.000+01:00

To be honest, after cycling to work for the past 3 days I'm tired. My body is aching. I woke up late almost every morning. Dang! I am so out of shape.

Mmm.. isn't it a great wonder that we always whine about anything and everything? Heheh... I'm sure once I got back into the rhythm I'd be ok. (I'm trying to psyche myself up)

When I was young I always thought that I would one day become a corporate person. Work on the 25th floor, have my own office and always have people doing my biddings.

Kwang kwang kwang…

What was I thinking? Thank God that dream didn’t come true. I think I’d commit myself to a madhouse if it did happen. I realised that that's not for me. I could never be that person. I was chided by a few relatives when I quit my slightly cushy job in Msia. They told me what a huge mistake I made.

If I stayed behind I'd probably feel depressed by it all. Thank goodness for my sister who always let me decide for myself. I know sometimes she doesn't understand me but at least she doesn't criticise the things I do. She takes me as I am and that's the best thing about her. I think my mom would do the same if she was still around. I know there are issues that I have to work out, but at least I am quite happy with how things turn out to be.

Isn’t it easier to be a cat? If I had nine lives, I wanna be;

skinny woman who can eat anything and everything with no weight problem whatsoever
adventurous cat who love mountains and lives in Colorado Springs so I could enjoy sunset and sunrise any time
fabulous rockstar who gets all the gorgeous ladies
flower that never die and blooms every spring and make everyone smiles
sexy vampire who is content with small things she had and a loved one, and not having to drink blood

Mmmm… I would have to think of the other 4 lives. What it’s gonna be, huh?

tra.. lala..lala..

2007-06-18T00:35:00.000+01:00

I bought a new bike... yeeehaaaa...

Don't ask me how much I spent on it, plus all the accessories, but it's enough to put a huge dent in my pocket. The lock itself costs me a bomb but I don't mind. I like.

I went to carboot sales, looked up in gumtree and ebay, but in the end I know deep down I prefer to get a new one. Urrggh.. you must think that I am shallow, but heck, to each her own.

Here's to a good summer! Cheers!

of heartbreak hotel

2007-06-11T14:16:00.000+01:00

Back in the days when I first ran away from heartbreak, I bled like nobody’s business. I didn’t know it could hurt so much. I didn’t know it was going to make me numb and shut me off from everything that I was familiar with.

I thought how could this be? I didn’t even know I was in love. I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone so much that I felt I wanted to die when things turned sour.

Well, sour is an understatement. I hit rock bottom. How many times during the nights I cried myself to sleep? How many times I was furious with myself for being such a complete idiot? How many times I felt the knife went deeper every times I saw the other person pulled away from me?

I hated myself for being so vulnerable.

My heart was red and swollen. I had no other way but to drown myself in a different direction. How could I begin to tell you that I ached so badly that my heart had duct tapes all over it?

I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to be loved. If I could love someone unconditionally, why couldn’t someone love me back? Is it too much to ask?

I heal over time, and I rejoice for a while after I come up to the surface. But when I think I’m ready to start over and find a person who could love me as I am, I am scared. Where do I begin? Where do I find love, or does love comes looking for me? Clueless is what I am.

When a friend found out that her partner cheated on her, I told her to re-invent herself. Easy to say, eh? Now how do I do that to myself? Where do I go to find all the people who would find me attractive and interesting to date?

Wait! Now that I know who my type is, do I really want to date, or do I want to go straight to bed? LOL. That would be fascinating!

of a softie and a bouncer

2007-06-08T15:51:00.000+01:00

I officially began my new life as a full time staff at an internet café last Wednesday. It’s not really an exciting job, but it pays the bills. I work long hours, but then again even with my previous company I work even longer hours and sometimes I was not at home for days.

I guess this one is okay. No fancy title to define who I am. No big salary or a beemer to show off. No expensive dresses or gadget to match.

To be honest, I asked myself, do I really care? Does it bother me that I don’t have all these? Imagine when I go home to Malaysia and people would be asking,

“So what do you do in London?”

“I work at internet café”

“Really? You mean you have an internet café?”

“No. I’m the bouncer”

“Oh!”

Ah well.

I am the bouncer, really. I have thrown a few people out of my store. You see, 3 teenagers came to the store almost every day. One day I caught them in the area that was closed so I threw them out. This week they came again, and I suspected that they were hacking into the system.

I confronted them. Me short fat woman, them big tall boys. I am not the confrontational type. Never. I walk from an argument and even if I tried, I’d lose big time. My hands were shaking and my voice trembled. They made it worse when one of them challenged me. I called 999. Well, I didn’t really call the police, but I pretended that I did.

A lot of things had happened since I work here. Some are good, some bad. The bad ones make me wish that I never changed my job, but I guess it’s the harsh and hard reality of life that one has to face.

I am simple yet complicated. The softie me will have to toughen up. And I guess it’s about time to discover and re-discover.

damn thief!

2007-05-21T17:37:00.000+01:00

I am pissed off! Somehow, someone managed to disrupt my contented life.

You see, I was looking forward to a new job somewhere locally so that I can cycle to work. My two-years old bike was still good looking and in great condition. I had an old lock but I bought new chain lock that require combination just so I could park it on the street without having to worry.

I wired a pedometer to calculate the distance, time and speed when I cycle. I added new front and rear lights and put a drink holder for my convenience.

I even kept it in the hallway of my building.

All for nothing.

Some fucker managed to get inside and stole it right under my nose.

I know it's only a bike but it's £200 gone!

of love and path

2007-05-13T23:59:00.000+01:00

Today I am honoured to be among the families to celebrate their official wedding ceremony. They finally come out. (mmm.. that sounds very familiar)

She was the most gorgeous bride and he was looking rather handsome. Together they are beautiful. I had to hold back my tears when I looked at them.

I could not imagine how it was to keep a secret for years. Yet, now I could and I understand because I'd be living a similar life and keeping a secret myself.

She knows me well. Our paths are parallel.

To The Mentor and her groom, may God bless you and give you all the happiness in the world.

I love you.

what makes you you

2007-05-10T15:10:00.001+01:00

Found out my new boss has a blog and he was too happy to let me know about it. However, there's no way I'm telling him about mine.

He had this on it, and I quite like the phrases.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you have anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish and having ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are frank and honest, people may cheat you. Be frank and honest anyway.

If you are successful, you may win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may try to destroy overnight. Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it's between you and God. It was never between you and THEM anyway.

three

2007-05-10T15:10:00.000+01:00

3 weeks to live double lives.

3 weeks of being a juggler.

3 weeks of madness.

3 weeks of being a liar.

3 weeks of cheating.

3 weeks to make as much as one can.

3 weeks to liberation.

3 weeks to being sane.

3 weeks to start cycling.

3 weeks to leave.

3 weeks to stay.

3 weeks of driving.

Only 3 more weeks!

of war and truth

2007-05-02T11:11:00.000+01:00

When I started blogging, I was in an angry, restless and confused state. Maybe my words were not too harsh, and I wasn't too bitchy, but I was angry nonetheless.

I wasn't happy with a lot of things, but most of all, wasn't happy with myself. I needed an outlet. And truth be told, blogging never ceased to amaze me and it didn't disappoint me either. Sometimes I had so much to tell, but couldn't find the words to write. So, they dissappear into the air. And some things are better kept to myself.

I had one before this titled FTBB with a real picture of skulls and destruction and that reflected what I was going through at that time. I was in a war.

Then I closed that chapter because I didn't know what I was fighting for.

Even when I started this one, I wasn't really sure of the title. I thought it was kinda corny, and it reflected only some parts of me. I didn't know where exactly I stand. In between what? Two countries? Two feelings? Two football clubs? Two choices? Two loves? What worlds?

The truth was that I wasn't sure about everything. Full stop.

But I realised the title says it all. I was in between. Now I'm on the other side.

of moving on

2007-05-01T01:04:00.000+01:00

I said before that I have less and less ice cream to share.

As of mid May (wishful thinking) I will not have any left.

I loved the old company. I love The Mentor, and being the nicest person I had ever met, it's natural that I am going to miss her so damn much. Also, I am going to miss all the whinging and gossips, and the late evening phone calls chatting for hours about everything and nothing.

I am going to miss the creamy Belgian Double Chocolate and Dark Roast Coffee that gives the same kick as any Starbucks drinks. I will miss the green country sights and the beautiful dales that sooth me every time I see them.

What I won't miss is the knackered ice cream vans. And I'm not going to miss the long morning drive to Newcastle or Cornwall and be back on the same night. I will not miss the angry clients, and the less supportive colleagues.

It has been a very long and tiring but interesting journey. But some thing has to end somewhere.

Things happen for a reason

2007-04-29T22:16:00.000+01:00

Since I last post an entry, there have been quite a lot of things that happened to me and my humdrum routine.

I could say that I had been fighting a lot. Literally. The changes that I'm going through are quite exhilarating and interesting. It's just another adventure. The last one was quite a shaky experience. This time it's a lifestyle. One that I'm sure of.

The beginning was quite frightening, I kid you not. It was as if I lived through madness and hell. Something that I wish I do not have to go through again. It's exhausting and very unpleasant. Yet, if I had to do it all over again, I'd pray for a shorter and quicker route to get to where I am today.

Forever I would be grateful to the people who have been supporting me. I could never asked for better friends than them lot. They show me the utmost understanding that overwhelmed every little doubt I had. They gave me the power not to be afraid anymore. They give me confidence to live, and they show me kindness to be happy.

I haven't changed. Yet, I have changed.

Changes. I love the word. It meant a lot to me. When you have been in a limbo like I had, you'd appreciate the little things that changed you. The big thing would take you by force. It's either you survive it, or die trying.

I have survived and accepted it. And I have adjusted it to suit myself.

What I want now is peace. What I need now is friendship. And what I desire now you can't imagine.

I AM MUSLIM

2007-04-05T00:11:00.000+01:00

After the long wait for her book, I finally got a signed copy from DZ.

It was kind of TTG to bring it with her, and we really wish that you and Lily were here with us so we could get loose in London. Imagine 4 beautiful women together, we'd create a riot!

I'm proud of you my friend. Sad though cos I wasn't there to attend the launch but from what I heard and read I'm glad it was really 'happening' and a success. Next year for IAM2, I don't care one, I don't want to be left out again.

Thank you babe! For the mention in the book. Now all I have to do is wait for the orders. Hahaha...

For those who hasn't got a copy of DZ's book, what the heck are you waiting for? Go get one. Now!

dis...

2007-04-04T23:54:00.000+01:00

It seems like this blog has almost run its course. I am thinking maybe it's time to let it go, for ever. I love blogging, but am not sure this is what I want anymore.

Some of my friends have discontinued theirs. I have nothing else to write, no stories to tell, and less and less ice cream to share.

I'll think about it.

Yahoooooooooooooooo!!!

2007-03-29T22:54:00.000+01:00

aaaa.. ahaaaa
Dancing in the dark middle of the night
Taking your heart and holding it tight
Emotional touch touching my skin
And asking you to do
what you've been doing all over again

Ohh...
it's a beautiful thing
don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know
what it is that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Ohhh... it's your love

Better than I was, more than I am
And all of this happened by taking your hand
And who I am now is who I wanted to be
And now that we're together,
I'm stronger than ever I'm happy and free

Ohhh... it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
If you asked me why I've changed,
All I gotta do is say your sweet name

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Ohhh.. it's your love

Ohhh... it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know what it is
that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't let go
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under,
Ohhh... it's your love
It's your love, it's your love, it's your love

Before you ask, no, no and no. I am not in love. But I am glad and feel like screaming for all the things that happened to me recently. I feel like telling the whole world about what I have found in myself, but I can't.

It's enough to say that I finally accept me for who I am. I am no longer searching for the lost soul. For years I was confused and depressed. I was scared and ashamed to dig deeper but in the last few weeks I have found the missing puzzle. I pieced them together and suddenly it became very clear. Crystal! It was there all along but I never saw it.

And my God, look at what it does to me! I am so happy and free that I couldn't stop this bubbling crazy feeling inside me. I feel like suddenly I have wings and could fly to wherever. Well, you could say that I'm in love with myself.

Hahahaha... 2007 will be good, I hope.

Bad Case of Resentment

2007-03-04T10:27:00.000Z

Mmm... I'm going through a weird motion and I'm a little stress. It's just something that I can't talk about or express openly. Maybe one day I can.

A friend of mine Marc got a new job, and while I am happy for him, I do feel slightly jealous of him. But not enough for him to notice it. I may envy him a little, but he deserves it because he works hard to be where he is today. He actually put me to shame, therefore now I'm trying all out to send my CV and find a local job.

However, there is another girl Agy, who upon finding out that he got a new and better job, shows obvious resentment. The look on her face just suddenly changed and according to Marc her stare could kill someone. I know the kind of cold treatment she was giving Marc, and I feel for Marc because it wasn't even his fault.

Marc is a very friendly and cheerful person. He does have a lot of friends and always out and about. Whenever I spoke to him, he's always out drinking with someone or at a party. He loves drinking but he couldn't hold his drinks that well. After a few glasses of wine, he's done. At one party, he couldn't even remember that he claimed he was Jesus coming to town to save the people. It was rather funny, and we joke about that a lot.

Agy on the other hand is kinda annoying. She keeps tab on her housemates, prying into their life and checking up on them like she's their mother or something. She normally stays at home after work and hardly goes out with friends. When The Candle Girl comes home late, Agy would be asking her where she go and stuff. And when they didn't tell her their plans, she would be furious and annoyed with them.

I told Marc that she has a bad case of resentment towards them. I'm no psychologist but I think she feels left out, and she desperately wanted to be included in their outing plans. I do however think that if you're genuine and honest, you should be happy for your friends.

In this case, I think it was some kind of race of who can get a new job first between the two of them. Maybe Marc didn't feel that way, but I know Agy does. When I met Marc last nite, we finally analyse and noticed the little hints here and there in everything she does. It comes to a point that both Marc and The CG didn't want to tell her of their plan to go to Valencia in case she wanted to tag along. She told them that they have to let her know next time they want to meet me because she she wants to join, but guess what? They didn't tell her about meeting me last night.

Ah well. Good food, good company. I had a great time.

Greasy Limelight

2007-02-23T00:52:00.000Z

This evening I had a very bad craving. I wanted cucur udang so badly like as if I were pregnant or something. You know it's a craving that won't go away unless I do something about it. If I didn't make some, I'd be having the same craving for the next few days so off I went to Sainsbury's and bought the ingredients.

I am far from rajin but I'm so bad that when I want to eat something I would go to a distance to make it.

There I was sweating like hell in the kitchen mixing the flour and stuff. But boy was I in for a disappointment. It was way below par. The funny thing is I always knew that I'd never made good cucur udang like I had a few weeks ago at a tahlil at Msia Hall.

An Indonesian woman brought some, and me and The Black Widow really love it. It was absolutely delicious. How come whenever I tried to make some it would never came out the way I want? Is there any secret ingredients that I didn't know about?

It wasn't good, but I stuffed myself with the lot of them anyway until I felt like puking from all the greasy snacks. Eeewwww!

Oh... At this moment, there's a show on telly 'Sun, Sea and Silicone' filmed in Penang about British women who want to do boob jobs. I dunno. Brits are weird. The young ones party hard, drink alcohol like water and go under the knife like it's a natural thing to do.

What disappoint me in that program was the GM of the hotel. I didn't catch the name of hotel, I think it's Park Royal or something but the GM is definitely 100% Malaysian. He claimed he had to check everything he requested for these women because if he didn't go into the room and check it himself, the staff wouldn't do it properly. The way he scolded his staff and told them not to lepak, yes he did say lepak, shows that he didn't trust them. Didn't he know how to delegate? And belittling everyone else? Come on, Mr De Silva, don't be too nasty, it's not nice. Not all Malaysians are lazy you know.

But then again, he probably wanted to be in the limelight. It is after all for a British television and him being a cheeky Malaysian wouldn't pass on that chance.

So there I was feeling sick with the fatty cucur udang swimming inside my stomach watching these girls having cosmetic surgeries in the homeland.

Dang! I gotta go on a diet, again.

hands off my baby!

2007-02-20T23:53:00.000Z

The time has passed so fast it’s almost the end of February. Man!

I spoke to JackJack, or rather she baby-talked with me on the phone. Geramnya! Normally she would just hum to the phone, but this was the first time she actually wanted to talk. She turned two in December but oh how she’s grown in the last few months.

Talking about babies, CJ told me her plan to adopt but her hubby didn't agree to it. She was told that there’s someone in Narathiwat wanting to give away her child in return for RM8K. What comes to my mind is maybe the Thai mother lives in poverty, and in need of money to support the other family members.

But the truth is I don’t think she would be getting all the money. Anyone can guess that agent probably make more money out of this transaction. Let's say 1K is for the admin processing paperwork bla bla bla, the agent will take half of what's left and only then she gets the rest. For the poor the money might seem like a lot, but for me it seems like giving the child away for pittance. That bloody agent gets a lot for something he doesn’t deserve.

Ah well, what do I know? I don’t have children. I may not understand what the mother may be feeling. But I do know that there is no way for me to pay just 3K for a baby. Not the right price for a fortune we call life. And I cannot imagine being separated from my own child :(