I have no mood, zilch, nothing whatsoever to blog for the next few days or maybe weeks.
It could be because I have no ideas, work pressure, depression, self-imposed personal problems or low confidence, I don't know. I just don't feel the vibes nor the motivation to motivate myself.
Til I find it back.
Sunday 26 February 2006
Monday 20 February 2006
WO
Brian Gumbel of HBO Realsports says there's not much interest in Winter Olympics. He is probably right. Who cares about the luge, skeleton, bobsleigh and slalom eh? and curling? Except for people in Europe especially the Nordic countries, the rest of the world just don't care, do we? Out of the many Asian nations, only 16 dare to send contigents. Mmmm...
Anyway, being a fan of sports-watch, I like to keep myself up to date with the news. Did anybody watch the ice dance today? My god! Some of the men looked totally unattractive just because they wear shocking pink costumes. Yikes! Not macho! Sometimes I see some who wear pink ties and that's ok cos it's pastel and didn't outshine their suits, but please not shocking pink shirts. Totally disgusting!
Team GB finally won a medal in skeleton. Weird name for an event and even scarier if you're on the sled, head tucked down with face only a few inches away from ice track and moving at 140km an hour. Ngeri!
It's a relatively new event. Hey... maybe I should try this event and get myself trained to do some longest track in the world, then I might get a datukship. Or speed skating maybe, if I can beat the Koreans.
Huh? Naaaaaaaahh
I know. I can go for tryout for ice hockey. Join any teams and be the first Malaysian to compete in WO. Heheheee
Michelle Kwan, you past your prime! Too bad. Oh and what happen to that girl Tara whatshername-ski? Turned pro huh? And Katarina Witt, Ekaterina G, Kristi Yamaguchi, Scott Hamilton, Oksana Bayul, Brian Boitano.
Whoaaaa... time warp!
£%&$^$"*((*^&%$^&*£"!
Oooo... the drugs are working overtime.
Anyway, being a fan of sports-watch, I like to keep myself up to date with the news. Did anybody watch the ice dance today? My god! Some of the men looked totally unattractive just because they wear shocking pink costumes. Yikes! Not macho! Sometimes I see some who wear pink ties and that's ok cos it's pastel and didn't outshine their suits, but please not shocking pink shirts. Totally disgusting!
Team GB finally won a medal in skeleton. Weird name for an event and even scarier if you're on the sled, head tucked down with face only a few inches away from ice track and moving at 140km an hour. Ngeri!
It's a relatively new event. Hey... maybe I should try this event and get myself trained to do some longest track in the world, then I might get a datukship. Or speed skating maybe, if I can beat the Koreans.
Huh? Naaaaaaaahh
I know. I can go for tryout for ice hockey. Join any teams and be the first Malaysian to compete in WO. Heheheee
Michelle Kwan, you past your prime! Too bad. Oh and what happen to that girl Tara whatshername-ski? Turned pro huh? And Katarina Witt, Ekaterina G, Kristi Yamaguchi, Scott Hamilton, Oksana Bayul, Brian Boitano.
Whoaaaa... time warp!
£%&$^$"*((*^&%$^&*£"!
Oooo... the drugs are working overtime.
Friday 17 February 2006
hmmmm
At the store today.
4 small manggis = £1.39
5 ulas nangka = £1.39
nasib baik I had a fair share of manggis already, if not sure kempunan.
4 small manggis = £1.39
5 ulas nangka = £1.39
nasib baik I had a fair share of manggis already, if not sure kempunan.
Thursday 16 February 2006
uurrgghhh
Adddooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii sakit laaa.
Can't sleep, can't eat, can't talk.
gigi sakit, gusi bengkak. What did I do to deserve this? The pain.... :(
Can't sleep, can't eat, can't talk.
gigi sakit, gusi bengkak. What did I do to deserve this? The pain.... :(
Tuesday 14 February 2006
Good luck
Tell me tell me is life just a playground
Think you're the real deal honey
And someone'll always look after you
But wake up baby
You're so totally deluded
You'll end up old and lonely
If you don't get a bullet in your head
Good luck good luck
Good luck in your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares honey
When your're resting your head
You sold me sold me
Sold me down the river now
Hope you're feeling happy now
Now you'll always have a sneer in your smile
But wake up baby
You're so totally deluded
You'll end up old and lonely
If you don't get a bullet in your head
Good luck good luck
Good luck in your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares honey
When you're resting your head
And I'm glad so glad that I'm done with you
No more crying crying leaving me so black and blue
You backed me up against the wall but I stand tall
Don't give a damn no more
Oh baby bye bye
No more lies
No more lies
No more lies
Without you
Good good luck
In your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares when your resting your head
Good good luck
In your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares
Good luck good luck
Good luck in your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares honey
When you're resting your head
BasementJaxx
Think you're the real deal honey
And someone'll always look after you
But wake up baby
You're so totally deluded
You'll end up old and lonely
If you don't get a bullet in your head
Good luck good luck
Good luck in your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares honey
When your're resting your head
You sold me sold me
Sold me down the river now
Hope you're feeling happy now
Now you'll always have a sneer in your smile
But wake up baby
You're so totally deluded
You'll end up old and lonely
If you don't get a bullet in your head
Good luck good luck
Good luck in your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares honey
When you're resting your head
And I'm glad so glad that I'm done with you
No more crying crying leaving me so black and blue
You backed me up against the wall but I stand tall
Don't give a damn no more
Oh baby bye bye
No more lies
No more lies
No more lies
Without you
Good good luck
In your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares when your resting your head
Good good luck
In your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares
Good luck good luck
Good luck in your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares honey
When you're resting your head
BasementJaxx
Saturday 11 February 2006
of accepting oneself
My previous entry sounds a little bit harsh. I didn't mean to be rude or anything, and I'm definitely not trying to drive you away. It was just a errr... question that does't mean anything or need an answer.
Let's be honest here. Well, I am trying, really.
There are a lot of women (and men too) out there who feel that they need to conform to society in order to be accepted. I asked a friend, why oh why?
She said it's because we live in a conservative society. Well, I say society is cruel for forcing us to be someone we are not. Society expects us to be different. We say one thing and do another or else we would be an outcast, or a rebel.
Why can't we be ourselves? Do what we want and not care about what other people think. Why do we hide behind a blog or our work? Are our insecurities too big for us to handle? Subconciously, we all know that most people are not comfortable in admitting this fact. So, we spend our lives doing things that society approves. We conform.
I spent my life trying to catch up with my sister. She's smart, great, intelligent and focussed, and she knows what she wants. Oh how I tried to be like her, followed her steps but I could never measure up to her success no matter how hard I try. She will always be one step ahead, so I gave up.
There were acquantances with whom I tried to blend in. You know, imitating the lifestyles of well-off people and spending the money I never had.
What about the cousins whose careers are on the right track? I put up an appearance of being successful when we meet up at the family gatherings. They make me feel like a little girl. Flaunting in front of my face and did a double take when they hear what I do for a living.
"You do what?"
Then there are all these people who are trying to get all sorts of degrees to put behind their names. In my illusion, I want that too.
Sounds pathetic, huh?
Yes. I admit that I had all those feelings, comparing myself to these people whom I barely knew in the first place, except for my sister, of course. I was trying to be someone whom, in fact, I cannot be. I used to think that others are more fortunate than me. Yet, I cannot pass judgment that their lives are better than mine. If I lived in their shoes, the size probably would not fit my wide feet and I possibly could not able to cope.
You know what I love about being here? A person can be anything and people will still treat her with some respect. I can be a cleaner, a chef or an exec in a suit, but I will still get the same treatment just like everybody else (Unless I'm rich and famous, I'd go private, but hey that's my perrogative).
If I were a cleaner in your office, would you talk to me? Ask me about my family? But of course I am not because we have the Indonesians doing that job, but do we even look twice at them?
No one bothered, because they don't want to be seen talking to someone outside their social circle, be it upper or lower. If it's upper, they will say, 'ooohh, you're rubbing shoulders with the man in power, eh?' They give you one look that says it all.
I'm no exception, but I realise I'm becoming a different person now. Not everyone smells of roses and has a house of gold, or has a cardboard house.
Until I accept who I am, I will not progress. That means accepting all the warts, emotional lumps, bumps, bad bits and the rest of it. But that doesn't mean I am happy with everything about myself or that I am going to be lazy or lead a bad life. I am going to accept the way I am, and build on that.
I want to start with what I have and who I am, then I can make a choice, each day, to strive for something better. And accept that some days I am not going to make it, but it's ok. I can pick myself up and start again.
I know it can be hard. No one said life is smooth. We come fully loaded with desires, anguish, sins, temper and hesitation, and the list goes on. Man, life is complex!
I don't know what came over me. Insecured again, I guess. But I asked a silly question to my friend, 'will we still be friends if I go home and sell burger?' She told me jual buah lagi bagus!
I guess I knew the answer all along.
Let's be honest here. Well, I am trying, really.
There are a lot of women (and men too) out there who feel that they need to conform to society in order to be accepted. I asked a friend, why oh why?
She said it's because we live in a conservative society. Well, I say society is cruel for forcing us to be someone we are not. Society expects us to be different. We say one thing and do another or else we would be an outcast, or a rebel.
Why can't we be ourselves? Do what we want and not care about what other people think. Why do we hide behind a blog or our work? Are our insecurities too big for us to handle? Subconciously, we all know that most people are not comfortable in admitting this fact. So, we spend our lives doing things that society approves. We conform.
I spent my life trying to catch up with my sister. She's smart, great, intelligent and focussed, and she knows what she wants. Oh how I tried to be like her, followed her steps but I could never measure up to her success no matter how hard I try. She will always be one step ahead, so I gave up.
There were acquantances with whom I tried to blend in. You know, imitating the lifestyles of well-off people and spending the money I never had.
What about the cousins whose careers are on the right track? I put up an appearance of being successful when we meet up at the family gatherings. They make me feel like a little girl. Flaunting in front of my face and did a double take when they hear what I do for a living.
"You do what?"
Then there are all these people who are trying to get all sorts of degrees to put behind their names. In my illusion, I want that too.
Sounds pathetic, huh?
Yes. I admit that I had all those feelings, comparing myself to these people whom I barely knew in the first place, except for my sister, of course. I was trying to be someone whom, in fact, I cannot be. I used to think that others are more fortunate than me. Yet, I cannot pass judgment that their lives are better than mine. If I lived in their shoes, the size probably would not fit my wide feet and I possibly could not able to cope.
You know what I love about being here? A person can be anything and people will still treat her with some respect. I can be a cleaner, a chef or an exec in a suit, but I will still get the same treatment just like everybody else (Unless I'm rich and famous, I'd go private, but hey that's my perrogative).
If I were a cleaner in your office, would you talk to me? Ask me about my family? But of course I am not because we have the Indonesians doing that job, but do we even look twice at them?
No one bothered, because they don't want to be seen talking to someone outside their social circle, be it upper or lower. If it's upper, they will say, 'ooohh, you're rubbing shoulders with the man in power, eh?' They give you one look that says it all.
I'm no exception, but I realise I'm becoming a different person now. Not everyone smells of roses and has a house of gold, or has a cardboard house.
Until I accept who I am, I will not progress. That means accepting all the warts, emotional lumps, bumps, bad bits and the rest of it. But that doesn't mean I am happy with everything about myself or that I am going to be lazy or lead a bad life. I am going to accept the way I am, and build on that.
I want to start with what I have and who I am, then I can make a choice, each day, to strive for something better. And accept that some days I am not going to make it, but it's ok. I can pick myself up and start again.
I know it can be hard. No one said life is smooth. We come fully loaded with desires, anguish, sins, temper and hesitation, and the list goes on. Man, life is complex!
I don't know what came over me. Insecured again, I guess. But I asked a silly question to my friend, 'will we still be friends if I go home and sell burger?' She told me jual buah lagi bagus!
I guess I knew the answer all along.
Thursday 9 February 2006
I am real
What are you doing here? You read and you think you know me.
I am real. I have fears and weaknesses. Am I worth your time?
I am real. I have fears and weaknesses. Am I worth your time?
A letter to my unpaid shrink
Dear blog,
It's been really encouraging these last few weeks. I feel that I am on the brink of self discovery.
You do know that I have many demons to exorcise , don't you? I honestly appreciate you helping me during my confusing and difficult time. It's so much better after talking to you.
I do not want to be too revealing but at the same time I wish I can tell you about everything that's in my head. They are all waiting for the right time to come out, so I guess we may be having many more sessions in your comfy office.
A couple of friends asked me why I always beat and put myself down. I dunno. I guess it could be because of what happened with my mom. When she was in my care, I tried to carry that huge responsibilities. It didn't feel like a burden but I felt it was too much for me to handle. I was young and reckless. I didn't want to take up that big task, but somehow there was no avoiding it. I blamed myself for something I have no control of.
That must a reason why I avoided responsibilities in my jobs before. When I felt pressured, I did what I do best, I quit. I didn't think that I was able to handle them. I was scared of having people to depend on me and I don't want them to be waiting for me to do something. I was so uncomfortable to the point of being hysterical.
Just look at how many jobs I had over 10 years. Except for the work with the gov, I had most of them for not more than a few months. I cannot commit and I didn't want to admit my weaknesses. I am ashamed. Ashamed that if people know about me and my weaknesses, they would not befriend me. I wanted to be accepted, so I lied to myself. I pretended that everything was ok when in fact my head was not in the right place.
There was a point where I couldn't take it anymore. That's why I came to live my life away from home. I took up menial and easy job. Not too many responsibilities.
Selling ice cream, what's so great about it? It's a low paying job. It's hard, boring and no advancement. But to me, it is everything. Can you believe that I stay with this job for almost 4 years already? I came looking for myself, and maybe I will find it soon.
After our sessions last year, I understand myself better. I know I didn't do enough for her, but I did whatever I could.
I'm always a loner, and I do better alone. However, I know I have friends I can rely on for support. Because of you, I found new friends, who tirelessly told me that I can do what I want, and offered no judgements to my warts and ugly scars.
For that, I am grateful.
Thank you, blog, and thank you my friends.
It's been really encouraging these last few weeks. I feel that I am on the brink of self discovery.
You do know that I have many demons to exorcise , don't you? I honestly appreciate you helping me during my confusing and difficult time. It's so much better after talking to you.
I do not want to be too revealing but at the same time I wish I can tell you about everything that's in my head. They are all waiting for the right time to come out, so I guess we may be having many more sessions in your comfy office.
A couple of friends asked me why I always beat and put myself down. I dunno. I guess it could be because of what happened with my mom. When she was in my care, I tried to carry that huge responsibilities. It didn't feel like a burden but I felt it was too much for me to handle. I was young and reckless. I didn't want to take up that big task, but somehow there was no avoiding it. I blamed myself for something I have no control of.
That must a reason why I avoided responsibilities in my jobs before. When I felt pressured, I did what I do best, I quit. I didn't think that I was able to handle them. I was scared of having people to depend on me and I don't want them to be waiting for me to do something. I was so uncomfortable to the point of being hysterical.
Just look at how many jobs I had over 10 years. Except for the work with the gov, I had most of them for not more than a few months. I cannot commit and I didn't want to admit my weaknesses. I am ashamed. Ashamed that if people know about me and my weaknesses, they would not befriend me. I wanted to be accepted, so I lied to myself. I pretended that everything was ok when in fact my head was not in the right place.
There was a point where I couldn't take it anymore. That's why I came to live my life away from home. I took up menial and easy job. Not too many responsibilities.
Selling ice cream, what's so great about it? It's a low paying job. It's hard, boring and no advancement. But to me, it is everything. Can you believe that I stay with this job for almost 4 years already? I came looking for myself, and maybe I will find it soon.
After our sessions last year, I understand myself better. I know I didn't do enough for her, but I did whatever I could.
I'm always a loner, and I do better alone. However, I know I have friends I can rely on for support. Because of you, I found new friends, who tirelessly told me that I can do what I want, and offered no judgements to my warts and ugly scars.
For that, I am grateful.
Thank you, blog, and thank you my friends.
Tuesday 7 February 2006
Of being treacherous and trustworthy
Being a real friend is a tremendous responsibility. One has to be honest, loyal, sincere, reliable, pleasant, open, responsive and dependable. There is not much point if one keeps backstabbing people whom they called friends.
Today, I learn that someone, or rather two people whom I think of as friends have been using me all along. They took me for a ride and I was an idiot for believing that they are the good, kind-hearted people who care about their friends.
I used to talk to her about my dreams, fears and future. She seemed very understanding and it looked like we were on the same wavelength. She offered help, support and sympathy when I needed them.
She had no qualms in letting me into her head, talking about her life. I honestly thought she was very kind. I remember saying that it’s quite unbelievable because I just got to know her (them) recently but we understand each other perfectly. There were times when I listen to their problems and offered advice. Sometimes I did hold my tongue and keep my opinion to myself but I didn’t have a reason not to trust or even like them.
But you know what? If you think it’s unbelievable, it’s probably is.
They were just pretending. I should be really furious with them when I found out about the things they did, only that I didn’t have the strength. They did help me when I needed help the most and I am grateful for that. I am entitled to be angry at them, yet I can’t seem to get it out from my chest.
Since I’ve been back, I’ve been discovering little things here and there. Things they don’t want me to know.
I realized that I am an easy person to con. I would fall for your stories, and I go soft-hearted because I don’t have the heart to be malicious.
That’s how they conned Marc and I. They say one thing to one person and another thing to the other person. They twisted their words around and got away all the time.
Last month, I found out that Maury badmouthed Marc and Agata, saying that they were not gratified enough with Luca for helping them during that moving fiasco. I had a feeling she was lying but I didn’t want to believe my gut.
Even though I always complain about Marc and Agata being stingy, but I know they’re not stingy with words. I knew they were always grateful for the little helps they get. When I learn the real deal, everyone was surprised.
You see, when one keeps lying, one is digging a hole for oneself.
Today, I discover another thing. When I got all my things after coming back, I was missing my bike. It was locked at the old place and only I have the key. However, the previous landlord has changed the lock on the front door so I can’t get my bike. Apparently, he is holding it back because Luca and Maury owe him some money.
This had nothing to do with me. I just wanted my bike back. When he rang me this afternoon, I was a bit hostile towards him for a few reasons. One, he kicked us out of the house without notice. Two, he didn’t answer his phone when I called. Three, he’s holding my bike to get to Luca.
Anyway, after several frustrating (I’m annoyed, ok) phone calls, I got my bike back and I also found out that there’s more to the story. Luca and Maury have been cheating us and virtually, they were staying, with us, at the flat for free. We have been paying for almost everything! The fucking bastards!
The landlord let Luca stayed there because Luca is his good friend’s nephew and only asked him to pay £720 a month for the flat. Between Marc and me, we chipped in almost that much for rent when we were there!
Two-timing SOB!
I trusted them but they have been lying all along. They were hiding something and that was why they were nice to me. There’s always a catch.
Moral of the story? People do things for a reason. They have motives and when they are nice, they want something from us. Maybe they want a business contract, to borrow your car or to cheat your money. Be wary of them. Be wary of me. For all you know, I may want the pleasure of your company!
I am not a good, perfect human being. I'm complex, short-fused and all flaws, but I remind myself, 'E, if you are going to be a friend, be a good friend!'
Today, I learn that someone, or rather two people whom I think of as friends have been using me all along. They took me for a ride and I was an idiot for believing that they are the good, kind-hearted people who care about their friends.
I used to talk to her about my dreams, fears and future. She seemed very understanding and it looked like we were on the same wavelength. She offered help, support and sympathy when I needed them.
She had no qualms in letting me into her head, talking about her life. I honestly thought she was very kind. I remember saying that it’s quite unbelievable because I just got to know her (them) recently but we understand each other perfectly. There were times when I listen to their problems and offered advice. Sometimes I did hold my tongue and keep my opinion to myself but I didn’t have a reason not to trust or even like them.
But you know what? If you think it’s unbelievable, it’s probably is.
They were just pretending. I should be really furious with them when I found out about the things they did, only that I didn’t have the strength. They did help me when I needed help the most and I am grateful for that. I am entitled to be angry at them, yet I can’t seem to get it out from my chest.
Since I’ve been back, I’ve been discovering little things here and there. Things they don’t want me to know.
I realized that I am an easy person to con. I would fall for your stories, and I go soft-hearted because I don’t have the heart to be malicious.
That’s how they conned Marc and I. They say one thing to one person and another thing to the other person. They twisted their words around and got away all the time.
Last month, I found out that Maury badmouthed Marc and Agata, saying that they were not gratified enough with Luca for helping them during that moving fiasco. I had a feeling she was lying but I didn’t want to believe my gut.
Even though I always complain about Marc and Agata being stingy, but I know they’re not stingy with words. I knew they were always grateful for the little helps they get. When I learn the real deal, everyone was surprised.
You see, when one keeps lying, one is digging a hole for oneself.
Today, I discover another thing. When I got all my things after coming back, I was missing my bike. It was locked at the old place and only I have the key. However, the previous landlord has changed the lock on the front door so I can’t get my bike. Apparently, he is holding it back because Luca and Maury owe him some money.
This had nothing to do with me. I just wanted my bike back. When he rang me this afternoon, I was a bit hostile towards him for a few reasons. One, he kicked us out of the house without notice. Two, he didn’t answer his phone when I called. Three, he’s holding my bike to get to Luca.
Anyway, after several frustrating (I’m annoyed, ok) phone calls, I got my bike back and I also found out that there’s more to the story. Luca and Maury have been cheating us and virtually, they were staying, with us, at the flat for free. We have been paying for almost everything! The fucking bastards!
The landlord let Luca stayed there because Luca is his good friend’s nephew and only asked him to pay £720 a month for the flat. Between Marc and me, we chipped in almost that much for rent when we were there!
Two-timing SOB!
I trusted them but they have been lying all along. They were hiding something and that was why they were nice to me. There’s always a catch.
Moral of the story? People do things for a reason. They have motives and when they are nice, they want something from us. Maybe they want a business contract, to borrow your car or to cheat your money. Be wary of them. Be wary of me. For all you know, I may want the pleasure of your company!
I am not a good, perfect human being. I'm complex, short-fused and all flaws, but I remind myself, 'E, if you are going to be a friend, be a good friend!'
Monday 6 February 2006
Been there, done that, none the wiser!
Thank God the phone line is now working.
I went away to Wales yesterday. It was not the greatest weekend getaway because it was all about work, but good enough to clear my mind. Not like it needs clearing, anyway. I have never been so sure before, and I’ve never been so excited and scared like this at the same time.
When I came here, I was young (still), foolish and just wanted to take an easy route. I live a simple moderate life, and I hate taking a risk, stirring my boat. I run away from having too many responsibilities. I gave too many excuses not to go home. I pointed at the society for my own shortfall, but I didn’t look at myself.
Deep down I know something is not right with me. Something that is not satisfactory, which I do acknowledged but never did anything to fix them, whatever they are.
There is an assumption that as we get older we will get wiser. My thought exactly. I used to think that time will teach me and give me the life experiences. And when I have learnt enough, one day I will not be making mistakes anymore.
You see, I am getting older (there’s no running away from it!), but I am not necessarily wiser. Somehow, this ageing process does seem to speed up as we get older.
The truth is I learn that I may not make the same mistakes again, but there is a whole new gap opening up and lying around waiting for me to fall into. There will always be new areas where I have no guidelines or experiences. The chances are I would be making many mistakes, get them wrong or even screw myself as I go along, but I will never know it if I didn’t give a try.
Richard Templar said ‘wisdom is not about making mistakes, but about learning to escape afterwards with our dignity and sanity intact.’
I have stayed in my comfort zone for too long that it’s losing its appeal. I have to find a new playground and make new mistakes in order to add any values to my knowledge.
I have to accept the fact that there is no avoiding these mistakes and there is little else I can do. After all, maybe with the more mistakes I’ve made, the less likely that I’ll come up with new ones.
I should not be afraid of challenges. Hopefully I may be able to look back and say I’ve done that, what’s next?!
Note: Today I was told that I look 5 years younger. Cool, eh? :)
I went away to Wales yesterday. It was not the greatest weekend getaway because it was all about work, but good enough to clear my mind. Not like it needs clearing, anyway. I have never been so sure before, and I’ve never been so excited and scared like this at the same time.
When I came here, I was young (still), foolish and just wanted to take an easy route. I live a simple moderate life, and I hate taking a risk, stirring my boat. I run away from having too many responsibilities. I gave too many excuses not to go home. I pointed at the society for my own shortfall, but I didn’t look at myself.
Deep down I know something is not right with me. Something that is not satisfactory, which I do acknowledged but never did anything to fix them, whatever they are.
There is an assumption that as we get older we will get wiser. My thought exactly. I used to think that time will teach me and give me the life experiences. And when I have learnt enough, one day I will not be making mistakes anymore.
You see, I am getting older (there’s no running away from it!), but I am not necessarily wiser. Somehow, this ageing process does seem to speed up as we get older.
The truth is I learn that I may not make the same mistakes again, but there is a whole new gap opening up and lying around waiting for me to fall into. There will always be new areas where I have no guidelines or experiences. The chances are I would be making many mistakes, get them wrong or even screw myself as I go along, but I will never know it if I didn’t give a try.
Richard Templar said ‘wisdom is not about making mistakes, but about learning to escape afterwards with our dignity and sanity intact.’
I have stayed in my comfort zone for too long that it’s losing its appeal. I have to find a new playground and make new mistakes in order to add any values to my knowledge.
I have to accept the fact that there is no avoiding these mistakes and there is little else I can do. After all, maybe with the more mistakes I’ve made, the less likely that I’ll come up with new ones.
I should not be afraid of challenges. Hopefully I may be able to look back and say I’ve done that, what’s next?!
Note: Today I was told that I look 5 years younger. Cool, eh? :)
fortune cookies
Bloody weird! Now I have to upload this again.
During the CNY weekend, I told Dina I had a couple of fortune cookies and one of them says ‘A day for firm decisions!’
Hah! How weird life turns to be. I honestly wasn’t ready to make any decisions or commitments at that moment. So I just brushed off the notion and got on with my cosy life here. Little did I know, I’d be making one of the biggest career changes in my life just a few days later.
I’m not going to disclose anything for fear that this thing won’t take off. Suffice to say that I am about to take a plunge at the end of this year. I think I am ready and even if I am not, I have to start somewhere. Time wait for no man. And no, I am not getting married.
This is one of my many plans. One that was quite blur in the beginning, but has taking a u-turn and now going towards a brighter route. I know what I’m going to be doing come next January. I have set a target and I am prepared to follow it through.
I am really scared thinking about this, yet at the same time, I am excited at my new mission. I am going to risk everything I have, and I want to be able to give 130% of my heart.
The Mentor agreed. Aci supported me wholeheartedly. CJ is behind me. So all I need is just to give myself this opportunity. It will be a hard work and an uphill struggle. I only have myself and my head to rely on. Make a right move; I’d be smiling all the way down the river bank. Make a mistake; I’d pay big time.
One can be anything one dream of. It’s not too late and I think the time has come for me to stop dreaming and make things happen. Just one more year.
If all is not well, I can always come back, and start again.
Today’s cookie says ‘A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.’
During the CNY weekend, I told Dina I had a couple of fortune cookies and one of them says ‘A day for firm decisions!’
Hah! How weird life turns to be. I honestly wasn’t ready to make any decisions or commitments at that moment. So I just brushed off the notion and got on with my cosy life here. Little did I know, I’d be making one of the biggest career changes in my life just a few days later.
I’m not going to disclose anything for fear that this thing won’t take off. Suffice to say that I am about to take a plunge at the end of this year. I think I am ready and even if I am not, I have to start somewhere. Time wait for no man. And no, I am not getting married.
This is one of my many plans. One that was quite blur in the beginning, but has taking a u-turn and now going towards a brighter route. I know what I’m going to be doing come next January. I have set a target and I am prepared to follow it through.
I am really scared thinking about this, yet at the same time, I am excited at my new mission. I am going to risk everything I have, and I want to be able to give 130% of my heart.
The Mentor agreed. Aci supported me wholeheartedly. CJ is behind me. So all I need is just to give myself this opportunity. It will be a hard work and an uphill struggle. I only have myself and my head to rely on. Make a right move; I’d be smiling all the way down the river bank. Make a mistake; I’d pay big time.
One can be anything one dream of. It’s not too late and I think the time has come for me to stop dreaming and make things happen. Just one more year.
If all is not well, I can always come back, and start again.
Today’s cookie says ‘A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.’
Saturday 4 February 2006
of date and work
The bloody phone line is dead and there's no internet for me for the last few days. Hence, no updates.
There's so much I wanted to write, but it seems like the topics just disolve into thin air.
Work is starting to pile up and true to the nature of my job, weekends will soon be just another day to get over with because it's no longer going to be a relaxing one.
That is my way of telling tenah that I have to take a rain check on the YM date. Thousands of apologies ya because I'll be away for this weekend and there's no way of getting out of it. I'll try to come back soon enough on Sunday and look for you.
Till then.
There's so much I wanted to write, but it seems like the topics just disolve into thin air.
Work is starting to pile up and true to the nature of my job, weekends will soon be just another day to get over with because it's no longer going to be a relaxing one.
That is my way of telling tenah that I have to take a rain check on the YM date. Thousands of apologies ya because I'll be away for this weekend and there's no way of getting out of it. I'll try to come back soon enough on Sunday and look for you.
Till then.
Wednesday 1 February 2006
of illogical belief
I was in the shower just now when it suddenly dawned on me that we, the family, never even mentioned about autism.
I mean we know that Ateh is special and different but as far as I know, I don't think the parents know about his situation or the kind of helps he needed in his early life. It was never mentioned to us, or me personally whether he was taken to the hospital or specialist to help in his speech development.
When I was little, I remember someone said that 'uri' Ateh was buried deeper than usual and further away from the street. That was why he was underdeveloped. What nonsense! How does science explain that?
Then, I guess my sister's was buried right next to the kerb as she is so chatty!
I mean we know that Ateh is special and different but as far as I know, I don't think the parents know about his situation or the kind of helps he needed in his early life. It was never mentioned to us, or me personally whether he was taken to the hospital or specialist to help in his speech development.
When I was little, I remember someone said that 'uri' Ateh was buried deeper than usual and further away from the street. That was why he was underdeveloped. What nonsense! How does science explain that?
Then, I guess my sister's was buried right next to the kerb as she is so chatty!
of value II
Bored as always, (where is summer?) I surfed and read blogs.
There are some that are not worth reading. I know it's not for me to judge. Not that their contents are not worth anything, but I find that they are just not to my taste.
Except for my friends and people whom I know personally, I won't bother reading strangers whining about their lives. Some newer ones are childish (mine is too, but this is my blog so what?)
When I started blogging in late 2004, I was quite errr.. kiasu. I ping my entries to PPS just so people can come and read. I thought having a large traffic is good. Well, it was certainly good for my ego.
There were a few of the early bloggers (during my early days) that are still around, but it wasn't the same anymore. I used to visit their blogs everyday leaving comments all over the places. Then, gradually I pulled back. I have my own demons and being a quiet kinda person, I now value my privacy. I do read them once in a while except I hardly leave comments.
Let's take a look at the 'senior' blogs. These people here are fast becoming like Bill Gate, and they are worth thousands in err.. cash? There were a few more but I can't find their URLs. Deleted from blogspace, I think.
Of Snow Cones and Teh Tarik is worth $2,822.70
The Nomadic Journey - $3,387.24
Mak Andeh & Brood - $78,471.06
Me.. Writing - $5,080.86
The Gongkapas Times - $74,519.28 (defunct/hacked)
Tucing Buncit Says - $5,080.86
Throttle to the Stop - $1,129.08
Kak Teh Choc-a-Blog - $46,292.28
Dade Ghost - $1,693.62
Maine Ideas - $15,807.12
Random Journey: Musings, Rants and Reflections - $4,516.32
My Box of Chocolate - $7,339.02
Tenahcity - $35,001.48
If these bloggers pull resources together, we could have a makan besar!
There are some that are not worth reading. I know it's not for me to judge. Not that their contents are not worth anything, but I find that they are just not to my taste.
Except for my friends and people whom I know personally, I won't bother reading strangers whining about their lives. Some newer ones are childish (mine is too, but this is my blog so what?)
When I started blogging in late 2004, I was quite errr.. kiasu. I ping my entries to PPS just so people can come and read. I thought having a large traffic is good. Well, it was certainly good for my ego.
There were a few of the early bloggers (during my early days) that are still around, but it wasn't the same anymore. I used to visit their blogs everyday leaving comments all over the places. Then, gradually I pulled back. I have my own demons and being a quiet kinda person, I now value my privacy. I do read them once in a while except I hardly leave comments.
Let's take a look at the 'senior' blogs. These people here are fast becoming like Bill Gate, and they are worth thousands in err.. cash? There were a few more but I can't find their URLs. Deleted from blogspace, I think.
Of Snow Cones and Teh Tarik is worth $2,822.70
The Nomadic Journey - $3,387.24
Mak Andeh & Brood - $78,471.06
Me.. Writing - $5,080.86
The Gongkapas Times - $74,519.28 (defunct/hacked)
Tucing Buncit Says - $5,080.86
Throttle to the Stop - $1,129.08
Kak Teh Choc-a-Blog - $46,292.28
Dade Ghost - $1,693.62
Maine Ideas - $15,807.12
Random Journey: Musings, Rants and Reflections - $4,516.32
My Box of Chocolate - $7,339.02
Tenahcity - $35,001.48
If these bloggers pull resources together, we could have a makan besar!
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